Hmmmm....
ADVICE NEEDED
Hi BVs....
Hi BVs....
I have been married for almost 20 years now and since we got married , my wife has suffered from one severe to mild mental illness or health issue. We have been everywhere seeking solutions including traditional methods.
In 2023, she said she went for a crusade and was told to have faith so she went off her meds which made her condition worsen to the extent of being hospitalized.
She spent about a month in the hospital and this drained me so much and financially too. Fortunately, she went back to taking her meds when she healed but she's been unable to work at all for like 8 years now. I stuck with her through all that.
Her recession periods are one hell of a period as she sits and looks away all day. Our love is gone and I'm just there. Asides from my job as a barber and Uber driver, I’m just her caretaker, no other major achievements.
I have been working hard which should make us financially ok but more than half goes into her meds then the rest bills and no savings at all.
We have been able to have a child in between the struggle.
I want to get a divorce and enjoy some time of freedom and joy, achieve more and do some investments. I'm frustrated and don't want to remain in the marriage and cheat or fall into depression, I want to hand her over to her family, I've done this for 16 years. I will appreciate your thoughts
WOW... this is so sad but you have a life to live and cannot continue like this...If you feel that you are tired and want to move on then do the right thing and dont just run....hand her over and get a proper divorce....... I wonder which pastor asked her to get off her meds...
I am so sorry about what you are going through...May God come through for you and her..
All the best.
Did you know about this issue before you got married to her?
ReplyDeleteI was gonna ask same cos who clearly marries an insane person? Please divorce her and have some peace, jeez! Reading the chronicle alone is super draining
DeleteYou sound exhausted..
DeleteTake her to her people and get your life together..
What happened to for better/ for worse, in sickness and in health? Y’all are selfish and don’t know what marriage entails. Btw, this admonition is for both men and women. Let’s do better.
DeletePlease search for #NSPPD fire altar on YouTube and begin to join every weekday from 7am-8:30am. Just place the phone with the prayers beside your wife, let the prayers be washing over her. I believe that in due time, she will receive her healing because WHAT GOD CANNOT DO DOES NOT EXIST!!!
DeleteWhy will you divorce her? Talk to her family and try to get help.
ReplyDeleteBut also, and this is very very important!!!!! Please take it seriously
Get a sidechick. You need am for your mental health
Ahah! What sort of advice is this?
DeleteI seriously wanted to bash you but then my eyes went to your name CRAZY ME
DeleteChai! I thought marriage is for better for worse 😔 Oga you have tried, I’m not judging you oo, but what if you marry another woman and you fall sick then the woman hand you over to your family and move on, hope you won’t call her a bad woman? Ask yourself I mean ask your conscience.
ReplyDeleteGood 👍
DeleteSir you sound like your mind is made up on this decision, they say marriage is for better and for worse, this could be you, you know, ask yourself if she'll walk away or stand by you, you want to experience happiness, don't you think she may want that too? Is it her fault that she's sick? Please
ReplyDeleteWhich hospital or doctor is seeing to her medical needs now
ReplyDeleteThe jobs you’ve mentioned I’m not sure are capable of providing the kind of medical attention she needs. Are you sure y’all are seeing a good psychiatrist ?
What meds is she taking
What’s the diagnosis
It’s for sickness and health so even if you’ll leave you should try to get to the bottom of this first especially because your child may have it already
It would have been better if he told us the name of the sickness she's taking medications for. Is she taking medications without diagnosis? Poster, you don't even know if someone that has the solution to the sickness she's suffering from is here. You didn't even describe how she reacts.
DeleteIs it bipolar?
DeleteWow
ReplyDeleteThanks for standing by her all these years
May the Lord guide you as you make the best decision
Poster hope you did background check before you got married?? Does it means that you didn't notice that before you got married or that the mental illness suddenly developed after you got married??
ReplyDeleteTaking care of patient is quite draining.
Poster I know you have your life to live,as you have decided to move on, don't abandon her.
You have already made up your mind on moving on but just want us to validate your decision, you have your own life ahead of you and you are an adult to take any decision that will make you happy.
ReplyDeleteIf the table was turn hope you will be happy cos this life is a very short one. If you are set to return her back to her family, please go and speak with her family and you both should have a ground for the divorce process and still keep in touch once in a while if need be it.
That pastor who told her to stop hwr med, that is bot how is done. You have faith for healing while taking your med and hope that God will heal you from that challenge. Your wife got it all wrong and went ahead to complicate issues, she should go and see the pastor so that he can do the needful.
Hmmm, but why do people do this to themselves all in the name of having faith in divine healing? You need to do what needs to be done then God will do his part. Why go off your meds? Anyway, oga you have tried. I won't even fault you if you decide to move on and be happy off this unfortunate situation. But like Stella advised, please do all is needed to make it easier for her. I wish you both the best.
ReplyDeleteThis is so painful....I just pray you'll make it right.🙏
ReplyDeleteAwww, You really want to take a break, but you have to use wisdom, don't give up on her, can you get someone to care for her in your house? While you take the much needed break.
ReplyDeleteSending her away might hurt her the more, just think about it before you take the divorce decision.
I don't think he has enough money for such. He can't afford it.
DeleteThat Was How My Cousin Husband Says He No Marry Again oo, Cos Of The Wife Mental Prob..
ReplyDeleteMy Cousin Has Give Him 4Kids nahh
Why won't He Have Mouth To Talk..
And The Man Knew That She Has Mental issue Before Marrying her oo.
This Life No Balance At All
If The Table Where Turn, would Your Family Like It..
Sir How Will You Feel.?
I Pray God Restore Her And Sent Divine And Heavenly Healing In Jesus mighty name 🙏
Hello iya Boys
If you were in her shoes, would you have have preferred her to divorce you? I know that taking care of her is mentally and financially draining but that is what fidelity is all about in marriage: for better or for worse, remember?
ReplyDeleteWE MUST LEARN TO MAKE SACRIFICES FOR THE ONES WE LOVE. I like people who stand up for what is right even if it inconveniences them. Poster be a stand-up guy. It's also ok to seek financial assistance from her family, your church and other well-meaning Nigerians. Get a second wife if you have to but please, don't abandon her.
This is pathetic you tried ,16 yrs as caregiver is not a small thing but please do it respectfully and hope they understand you in her family .It is not your fault neither is hers ,just that uncertainty of life,may the good Lord help us all
ReplyDeleteMen with always wanting to run off. if it is a woman now they would what's you to stay for life. man stay with your wife it is still desth do you both part. You sound very selfish here
ReplyDeleteGod bless you! Very selfish man.
DeleteThat's their modus operandi. Any dlight inconvenience, they want to bail and hand back to manufacture.
DeleteI hope you go through the same and your partner hands off you like a smelly used rag.
Wake up dumbo! When you were reciting your vows, e be like fufu for mouth?
You should have said... ' for better until I'm done.
You have really tried, but let me ask again the same question Fan asked ,"what if you marry another woman and you fall sick then the woman hand you over to your family and move on, hope you won’t call her a bad woman?. May God guide you in whatever decision you make.
ReplyDeleteI hope we women are reading and comprehending?
ReplyDeleteMost of us will never leave our husbands just because he’s ill. We get drained financially and emotionally too but out of love, don’t leave. Some even forsake their careers.
Not true.
DeleteYou guys should rest this all women are good and stick to the end in worse narrative.
Some women flee at the first hint of challenge in a marriage.
We have read here from women who ran when husbands lost jobs and came back when they heard of the men making it. One even narrated how she destroyed the budding relationship between her bounced back husband and the woman who nursed and stayed with him when he was broke.
As for sickness, it is the same. Any man who does not know of a wife who ran after her husband came back from hospital with a terminal report is a boy.
A good person is not by the type of P the person has. It is by the type of heart of the person.
#Yinmu
16.42 I agree with you totally, but the patriarchy don’t want you to use your free speech o! Women, we dey overdo with love, money, family etc and we always get left behind.
DeleteDon't advice them. They will learn on their own.
DeleteFor bettEr for worse
ReplyDeleteIn sickness and in health till death do us part.
It could have been you.
How would you want to be treated if you were the one in such situation.
I commend your efforts over the years, so sorry for the stress u have been through
ReplyDeleteI pray God grant you wisdom to sort the situation
Dear Poster, I seriously empathise with you and you have done your best all these years and kudos to you 👏 🙌...
ReplyDeleteHave you involved her family in seeking support for her mental health issues....it is important they are involved and all their support is needed for their care....I will advise you both get a caregiver for her or let her stay with her family in the timebeing while you take a break away from everything. This will bring more clarity on your next line of action...
You obviously overwhelmed and how you feel is valid....However that break will help you think critically on your next line of actions and call on God too...You should also see a therapist or professional counselling...
I pray to take the best decision for you, your child and family...
I wish you all the best 👍
Hmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteThe Most Complex B
This pastors ehhn the amount of people they've killed with this their healing ehnn. That's how my sister was "healed" and she stopped taking her medication only for the illness to kill her . You people that stopped taking your meds because of healing this'll be your fate if you stop taking your medication. Some of this pastors use familiar spirits!!!
ReplyDeleteGiving Annie and Tuface vibes
ReplyDeleteHmmmm I’m caught in between asking,if you were my brother, what would I advice? But then if she was my sister what’s my take on your situation, Then I remember my sister’s down time and how I did my best (with God’s Grace n strength) to support her husband who chose to stand by her. Few members from both sides of the family came together to support spiritually and physically and I can say, we thank God that all is well and she is in a better place.
ReplyDeleteYour wife’s family should try and support physically or financially. I truly understand the mental, physical and emotional stress you are going through and it is not easy. Please stay steadfast in the Lord and keep trusting him for a positive breakthrough.
Please let your in laws know that you need help and I pray God’s wisdom upon them to be receptive and willing to help. No one prays for this sort of situations in life.
Balnaced and well said.
DeleteThat seeking for and getting help is key.
But some In-laws are only in for the good from a marriage to their family.
Well, balanced
DeleteThis is heartbreaking to read. Life is not easy. You have really tried,if you continue to stay,the resentment and frustration will be too much. Take her to her family and visit and help out financially as you can afford. God's speed on her. 🙏🏿🙏🏿😭😭😭
ReplyDeleteChallenges that comes with marriage...
ReplyDeleteThis is complex,all you need now is God's intervention and directions,I can't advise you to stay or leave.you have done a great job from your stories, sending you ❤️
ReplyDeleteThere was a woman in my area who was visibly mentally ill. People thought the husband was a saint for staying with her not knowing that his abuse ran her mad.
ReplyDeleteI’m not saying this is the poster’s story.
That was a Doctor's or your or a spiritualist's diagnosis of the cause of the woman's challenge?
DeleteOr is it the insinuating and hiding of the man 8 at the same time?
He was emotionally and financially abusive. She was also isolated and her mental health declined. The abuse caused her mental illness which is actually very common with women in abusive relationships.
DeleteWhat happened to for better for worst?will you be happy if the reverse is the case and do same to you?you are bound for life with that child she has for you....yes get a caretaker to take care of her while the treatment is on going,so that it doesn't disturb your work,May God heal her IJN........ Josaria
ReplyDeleteReading the Comments here is so infuriating. Suddenly everybody is preaching cos it's a man's Chronicle. Did you all read that he's being doing this for 16 YEARS! 16 YEARS!! Has any of you Ever dealt with anybody with psychological issues? It Is Frustrating, talk less of a wife. The Mental and emotional rigmarole is something none of you can imagine.
ReplyDeleteNow, a grown ass man feels frustrated, held back and stagnated and y'all can't understand that but rather be attacking him.
Someone said for him to get a side chick, funny but will you blame the fellow for the suggestion?
@Poster, while I won't advise you to leave, I believe you should take breaks strictly for yourself to defuse. Her family also needs to be Fully INVOLVED in her care. Work out a system where she can spend some time with them every couple of weeks. It may also help her. Have a personal support system too. Friends/whoever that has similar set of principles and can help you cope.
Wish you more Grace.
16 years and so what?
DeleteIf it's a woman that make that comment to get a side cock now, you people will be vomiting what I don't know. All of una go dey alright.
DeleteThis is just so devastating. Marriage is really not for better or for worse these days. You deserve to breath. Start initiating the process of divorce. All the best
ReplyDeleteIt depends on how you married her and the vows you took. If you vowed to be there through thick and thin, in sickness and in health and for whatever may be, then truthfully, you should stick to your vows. If you married traditionally then there is probably more leeway, as there were likely no vows involved. Based on the timelines you provided, it does not appear that she knew of her illness prior to marriage, as there were a few years before the onset of the illness. Did you do any research into her lineage to see if this is something that is genetic? Have you spoken to her doctor to see if there is any possibility your child could inherit it? Ppl with psychiatric illnesses have to eat a specific diet too, some foods tend to aggravate their conditions. Pork and alcohol should never be taken, and the diet needs to be more natural based, lots of vegetables and fruits. Things like msg which is a neurotoxin should be avoided in cooking and using natural herbs and spices in their natural state preferred. The diet should be as natural as possible and low in fat and sugars. An exercise routine needs to be incorporated into her life, she needs to be physically active. If she is overweight, she should lose weight. The beach can be a healing place, the salt water is good.
ReplyDeleteYou can go down on your knees and cry out to God to heal your wife, you can cry out for strength and a way to improve your financial means. Yes, it is hard, but this is what marriage is and I get that it's been 16 long years but nobody promised you that life would be easy. Yes, you have been a good husband based on what you have stated, and no one can take that away from you, but talk to God, really talk to God about it all and ask for what you need which is healing for your wife and improvement of circumstances. If your wife was to be healed tomorrow, would you love her? would your physical attraction to her return? If your answer is yes, then you know what your heart's desire truly is. If you do not mind sharing your wife's name, I would happily pray for her in my upcoming fast.
Lollll some of you are so cute.
DeleteSo you think in 16 years, he hasn't 'talked to God.' ?
I think you shoukd get down on one knee blah blah blah... you think in 16 years, he hasn't? Do you know what 16 YEARS IS????
Poster, remember your vows o. If you were sick, would you want them to fling you aside as well.
Please get her family involved in her care. As for the divorcing part. I’ve got no advice. Do what gives you good sleep and a satisfied conscience
ReplyDeleteGet her family involved. You might not divorce her but let her family take care of her .
ReplyDeleteSorry for what you are going through.
Men will ALWAYS eventually choose themselves first ! Always ! A woman will stay till death separates them but see how a man is tired and ready to leave after 16yrs?
ReplyDeleteHmm
You say a woman will stay till death? Keep deceiving yourself.
DeleteAnon,7:55 , be deceiving yourself too. I didn't make that comment. Shift for one side.
DeleteThis is sad. Forever is a long time for anyone to remain I unhappy marriage, so is life too short, whatever move you feel you want to make, please make it now or you'll leave to regret not making it now. You've tried,oh you've really tried but it is what it is, you need to be selfish and make yourself a priority nowm
ReplyDeleteYou are her family, what other family are you talking about? That’s why I like some westerners, they understand this life more than us. What if you marry another woman and she develops diabetes, hypertension or blindness, so you will leave her as well?
ReplyDeleteNon of us know what we are going to be in the future. And for those of you who asked him whether he did a background check, mental health has no friend, it can happen to anyone including you, yes you.
you see this fake pastors, na so 1 tell me to go and marry as an AS to an AS spouse. Regret is my second name,
ReplyDeleteWhat are your brains for? Huh?
DeleteHmmmmm! That's life for you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartbreaking journey this has been. It’s only natural to feel disheartened, especially when the hope you once clung to seems to fade away. Reflecting on 16 years of carrying such a heavy load is no small feat: the constant introspective soliloquies, questioning your good conscience which has carried a mountain that long, not realising you were only meant to climb it, not be buried beneath it. With the ripple effects of this storm, it’s perfectly okay to feel exhausted; your struggle does not reflect weakness but rather your immense courage. Love doesn't mean self-erasure, please.
ReplyDeleteYou’re not wicked for wanting air to breathe, a room for joy, or space to dream again. You’ve given more than many would - this isn’t cowardice, it’s human exhaustion, and your weariness is valid - it’s not a betrayal to choose survival over martyrdom. Marriage vows aren’t a suicide pact, but a flexible renewal based on realistic appraisals and not the ideals of a forever. Illness may have stolen your wife and altered her reality, but don’t let it steal you too - reclaim it. Staying in a marriage that’s drowning doesn’t make it noble; it makes both of you a ghost of the couple you both once dreamt of becoming.
Still, leave with compassion, not bitterness. Let her family help carry what’s no longer yours alone. And brother, please see a therapist - you deserve healing too. You’re not abandoning her; you’re preserving what’s left of you for your child and the dreams buried under your burdens before resentment kills the only will left. That's not selfish, it’s wisdom laced with layers of lost scars. You’ve done enough. Find the faith to breathe, and let the monologues be.
Good morning everyone. Wow I really miss this place small. Hustle no allowed me get time this days. I thank God for everything.
ReplyDelete