Hmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
WORRIED
My younger brother just got engaged to a lady who has brought out the worst in him and I wonder what they both see in each other as they presently have no endearing qualities.
They have been dating for 2 1/2 years, and nobody in the family has anything good to say about her, at the same time my brother has not been in employment for some time.
In the past, he always had stable relationships with girls we really enjoyed, but with this one, they are always arguing, and these are things he never did before but he's doing them now —another one is turning down jobs by being selective, making less time for family meetings and even turning down simple advice.
It also seems as if because he's getting older or since his group of friends are getting engaged, it seems like he's feeling pressured to settle down or is it the lady that's pressuring him to settle down?
Everyone thinks that, as the oldest brother, I should be the one to voice our concerns about her. Would it be too forward to tell him it's a bad idea or to hold on with the idea of marriage especially now that he hardly listens to anyone since he entered this relationship?
Hmmmm it is good to guide him when he is wrong or not progressing but dont make it about the lady he is dating please!!You think it is easy to date a jobless man? Are you perfect? So why Judge others?Because things are bad you are blaming the girl, when things go right will you also praise her? Stop pokenosing and let him marry her if he wants, if she turns out to be a bad wife and sister in law, make una manage am and if she turns out treat, then nice one...
Before i forget, please note that the advice you wanna give to him will scatter your friendship with him....
I will advise you let him do what he wants. Matters like this are better handled diplomatically.
ReplyDeleteTalk to him calmly, and when he says otherwise, then you let him be.
DOZZYBEST.
Thank God there are options. If the marriage no sweet them again at some point, they separate and find other people. Divorce has been welcomed in our society now so none of the intending marriage candidates have that till-death-do-us-part to consider.
DeleteJust talk your mind small and leave him alone.
How come you’re blaming the lady for your brother’s wrong doing, you didn’t state anything she did.
ReplyDeleteFace your brother for turning down job offer, not listening to advice and not attending umu nna meeting. Leave the lady alone
But you were blaming Obi's wife yesterday for what he did, abi?
DeleteI reject bad wives for my son's and brothers in Jesus name Amen..
ReplyDeleteThe ones I've seen are terrible abeg, they've turned the men to something else..
Poster, please talk to Ur brother and pray for him because some of these ladies are diabolical,if she can't date a jobless man then should leave and stop frustrating him..
Why is a jobless man keeping a relationship sef,?he should focus on himself first..
Advice him to be prayerful that he can do midnight prayer with her.
DeleteTalk to.him like you are a pastor, "there's nothing God can't do..."
This woman, I pray my daughters or any girl I know never have anything to do with this your sons. In fact, na to look out for mummy Sharon o. Any boy who's coming for my daughters and his mum is Sharon, we go check am very well.
DeletePoster he is not a kid and has right to choice. Let him follow his heart.
ReplyDeleteDo you want to advice him not to get married or what??
Two and half years??,so after leading her on and whatever they must have done together you want him to dump him for who??
Know when to mind your business.
No single sane reason why y’all don’t like her was mentioned sha. She’s the bad one while ur jobless, job selecting brother is okay
ReplyDeleteMy sister, that's life for you.
DeleteDear Poster, Your concerns are valid however it is important you get the full picture...Don't just say his fiance is at fault; if you just take your time and find out your brother would have his own fair share of the blame.
ReplyDeleteSince you are the older brother, you should approach this in a neutral and open-minded approach...You want to understand him to respond and not just to react...Here do not apportion blames or mention his fiance in your conversation, you want to hear from him.
1. Take him out to a nice cool spot over a bottle or two of beer or any of his favourite..Make sure his mood is light, happy, calm and not agitated.
2. Open up the conversation with ''Hey bro or his pet or nickname; I have been noticing some changes for sometime now you haven't been cheerful, you seem withdrawn from us and I am concerned, I miss you cheerfulness...I am concerned about you''...
3. Listen to his response, it will give you a clue on your next questions like ''Are you truly happy, or are you feeling like it’s just time to settle''..Don't say ''Don't marry her, bro''...You want to understand his thought process...
4. Once you have heard him out..You can ask him if he wants to hear your honest opinion..If he says Yes, then reply him by saying ''You can both consider premarital counselling or pause yoru wedding plans so you and her are well aligned and in agreement...
Please note that he may push back or might be defensive but please keep your cool & calm composure....Don't argue with him, just promise to support him in whatever decision he makes....Whatever the outcome is, you have done your part as a big brother and keep praying for him...
Please do share an update with us on how it went...
I wish him and you all the best...
P.S He needs to get a job..His fiancee could be nudging him to do something but you see it as her being troublesome.... Just tell him some home truths calmly and respectfully....
DeleteHmmmmmm.
ReplyDeleteNo point advising an man in love. If he goes and gossip you to her, your family peace will be in jeopardy.
If they eventually marry, she will see all of you as as her enemy .
If he is truly in love,he won't see the bad character until the worst happens someday.
ReplyDeleteInfact after you have adviced him,he will sit down with her that night and vomit everything you and your family said to him about her;then if for any reasons they get married in future,you all will know what a toxic sister in-law truly means.
Just advice him on reality and how a happy home means a lot for the happiness of the parents and kids future,cos both can survive on a toxic ground.
But don't make her the sole reason of discussion cos once she gives him Spiderman style that night, everything will be voiced out.
@MARTINS
This advice is for your brother..
DeleteA man without funds doesn't naturally like himself,and truth is in this century it takes a lot to see a woman who would respect you as the head of the house without you having Monetary backup.
For now,he should forget relationships and focus on building something that can feed himself,and two extra mouths(wife and kid) in future first,because majority of problems faced in marriage is what money can solve if available ie FINANCE
A man without money to maintain a family has little to no options when it comes to women,relationships,marriage and life generally..
Money gives you access to various options especially in Nigeria our country,and that includes RESPECT,cos even if you aren't loved;the.money you have made would be respected.
@MARTINS
😂 lol @ spiderman style.
DeleteWhere is the lie
DeleteCounselling go.fit you Martib
DeleteHow old is your 'younger' brother first?
ReplyDeleteThat is the koko.
I don't know why many of you send in chronicles with very superficial details.
The advice you give a 24 year old man is different from a 44 year old man.
ReplyDeleteHow old is he?
That will give an idea of the direction to take.
Poster if I were you , I will forget about that woman and concentrate on my brother. You guys forgets a lot. When you have a stubborn kid brother who do you blame then. just advice your brother if he would listen and forget about the woman she might even be suffering in that relationship hence the every eke market day argument
ReplyDeleteThis girl could be his karma. Let him enjoy his kama in peace.
ReplyDeleteIf you are married let him know what it means to have a good and bad marriage and let him understand with marriage, there's no age mate or competition. And how marriage can either make his life unbearable or bliss. So he should ensure him and his girlfriend settle their differences before tying the knot, if he says she's the one.
ReplyDeleteAlso let him know getting a job is paramount to getting married.
Jobless person wants to get married? In this economy? OP and you are not talking about booking an appointment for him at Yaba?
ReplyDeleteJust forget the lady part it is not your business but just advice your brother to delay his marriage because of finance and let him grow his finance by looking for work and if he didn't listen let him face it but keep the lady out of your advice or rebuke that is if you still want to have access to your brother after marriage
ReplyDeleteHe should get a job before talking about getting married, else, you guys will keep settling issues.
ReplyDeleteA bad wife is more dangerous than a bad husband! I always pray for my male friends and family to marry right...poster, your brother is an adult, so you must tread carefully when advising him about his relationship...why is he jobless though? Did he become jobless when he met the woman? Perhaps advice him on getting a job first.
ReplyDeleteNone of them good
DeleteWhether bad husband or bad wife
Still don't know what the beautiful young lady is doing with your brother and judgemental family? She must truly be in love or self destruct mood. No emotional or financial support or gains. 🙄🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteYou're not wrong to worry about your younger brother - any reasonable person would. But truth without tact is a wrecking ball. He’s drowning, and you're blaming the water instead of asking why he’s not swimming. This isn’t about the girl; don’t cast her as the villain in a story that might be more about him losing his grip since he lost his job. People often change when they feel lost, unloved, or left behind. Maybe he’s scared. Maybe he thinks this chaos is his last chance at something stable. This is less about her and more about the choices he’s making from a place of fear.
ReplyDeleteYou may believe you understand the dynamics of his relationships, past and present, but what you’re missing is the unseen understanding that binds them. She might be his shield in a world that’s been unkind. Don’t be the storm that drives him further away - be the lighthouse that brings him home. Instead of confronting, invite him into a conversation. Speak less about who he’s with and more about who he’s becoming. Remind him of who he was, not to condemn who he is now, but to help him remember.
Love him loudly, but gently. If you must speak hard truths, lace them with compassion - not judgment. A jobless man rushing into marriage isn’t just a red flag - it’s a siren. Your role isn’t to choose for him but to hold up a mirror and help him see beyond the emotional fog. Understand that he might not hear you now, but your words will echo when the fog finally clears.
Poster, do not discuss anything with your brother at all. He is an adult and fully self-responsible for his life.
ReplyDeleteBut if you still feel obliged to discuss with him, tell him to take any fair (transport fare, lunch, home feeding, and rent covering) job offered to him. If he asks why, tell him that the longer he stays out of job, the less attractive his CV becomes to employers. Also tell him that some jobs may even expose him to other employers or business opportunities.
DO NOT EVER MENTION his girlfriend in your discussion.
If his girlfriend has been feeding him and telling him to reject job offers “beneath him”, she would at the least not have any serious aggro against you if she hears your reasons why he should accept available jobs.
Forget about your Brother’s unwillingness to attend family meetings. He apparently does not see any benefit from attending. Let him spend his time with his girlfriend or other friends. Begging for association with a sibling is very undignifying. If he does not see you guys as of value, you can only convince him by value benefits to attendees, not by pleading with him to attend. The human mind is calibrated to respond positively to what pays its owner’s body.
Those doubting you on your complaint about his girlfriend should ask themselves how it came about that God said directly to Adam, “DO NOT EAT” and he did not. Then Eve said later to Adam, “DO EAT”, and he ate. Why did Adam not say: “Let me wait till evening when it is God’s visitation time to ask God if the instruction has changed”. The answer: Eve’s influence.
The woman’s power in romantic relationships is influence. Women who know its effect use it for good and or for bad. Either way or both ways, it is always used subtly. Only the results show. Unfortunately, when it is used destructively, people around the person being destroyed see it and know what is going on, but cannot say this is what is being done - only results show. And as always, the woman and her supporters deny the misuse of the influence.
Mr. Mann
Some relationships bring out the bad side of you. Worse still, they might not even realize it. I feel you should talk to him in a way he would understand. Let it be that you said something just in case it goes bad. Please give us update
ReplyDelete