MORE ENJOYING GBENSHING AFTER BROUHAHA IN MARRIAGE
Hello BVs, I have a question I want to ask, something very confusing for me, and I want to know how it works .
There's this thing my husband usually says, whenever we have misunderstandings or an argument, and I try to keep to myself or avoid him or something.
He tells me that it is not supposed to be so, and that I am supposed to draw closer to Him then and become more affectionate with him and enjoy a greater s'x that period:...
Please is it supposed to be like that? Because I'm not like that. I don't know if I am normal or there's something wrong with me, or is that what is obtainable, because I usually read where some people say that when they quarrel with their partners that some couples, or where they have arguments, or where there's some form of physical violence, it means that the s#x for that period will be great or something...
And then now that my husband is saying that whenever we have issues, it should bond us. Yes, that's what he usually says. And I am not like that. I try to withdraw and I feel very unhappy with myself and the situation, and try to process it, but my husband feels like it should create more bonding and affection between us. Please. I need your responses. Thank you.
Different strokes for different folks but i see this as a form of marital abuse to enjoy it more after a misunderstanding....This means some people will create more stressin the union to have greater s3x...
Dont let anyone fine tune you into how they think marriage should be, have your own mind and own reaction to situations.
Dear Poster, Stella made a valid point there...Sex should not be used as a weapon in couples....I see that you guys want to use as a tool for manipulation...How about discussing about what transpired and settle it immediately...
ReplyDeletePoster you are no longer single oh..You have to compromise here when you want to settle issues...This is one of the discussions you should have had before marriage...
However you need to find the root cause to your marital issues and still them immediately...If he is physically violent with you, then he is using sex as a weapon to tie you down hoping you stay in the circle of violence....
Whatever it is at the end of day, sort this out and don't use sex as a weapon to hurt or manipulate...
All the best
*sort them immediately. Come to a better understanding for both...
Delete*sort them immediately. Come to a better understanding for both...
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLet me perch here.
DeleteBe careful taking marital advice from toxic people. People who enjoy gbas-gobs and think it’s normal or natural. What is the essence of your anger if not to be pacified, talk about it and your spouse acts to remedy what you are upset about? He wants you both to work things out in the bedroom but you choose silent treatment and malice?
It shouldn’t matter who is wrong or right. Focus on the issue and treat it. Respect each other’s emotions and take responsibility for your spouses happiness. I have NEVER believed or accepted that it’s natural for couples to quarrel, even when I was very young and that has been my reality in marriage. Not once have we exchanged angry words in my almost 10 years of marriage.
Your husband has suggested a very healthy means of conflict resolution and you are here asking what? It’s his marriage too. Conflicts are like a cut in a relationship. If you wash and treated them with care, they’ll heal properly. But when you let them fester and get infected with malice and silent treatment, even when they heal, they leave an unpleasant and ugly scar. ENJOY YOUR MARRIAGE.
Wetin marriage dey cause for some people ehhh, Sotey, Adult no come know good and bad. Omo!!!😞
ReplyDeleteUnless I’m the one that caused the misunderstanding if not please avoid me after the quarrel. The only bonding I want is for you to genuinely apologize and buy me gifts.
ReplyDeleteCarry your gaslighting and move one corner if not na another round of quarrel you dey ignite
Fan Emmanuel you are right
DeletePoster, your husband is trying to manipulate and gaslight you
Your husband seems to have the mindset that couples use s*x to resolve all their conflicts
He appears to be of the school of thought that make-up s*x is the sweetest s*x and that once a couple does it after a misunderstanding, all the problems are automatically solved
That is what he thinks of conflict resolution in relationships and marriages - you simply kiss (gbensh) and make up
He does not know that communication is the one effective key to conflict resolution in relationships and marriages
When couples quarrel, after things have cooled down, they should sit down and talk things over and come to an understanding
The offending party should apologize and promise to try not to repeat such behavior
You on one hand seem to have this knowledge
Your husband on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have it
With his mindset, he expects you guys to settle all your quarrels with gbenshing
However, even if that is his mindset, which is actually a wrong way of thinking, shouldn’t he be the one to “draw closer to you then, and become more affectionate with him, and have a greater s*x that period”?
Why should you be the one to do it?
So does he mean that even if he is the one in the wrong, you should be doing the reaching out?
That is not right
That is very very wrong
That is emotional, psychological and mental abuse
Do not allow your husband to do that to you
The woman in a relationship is not solely responsible for conflict resolution
It is the responsibility of both parties
Do not let your husband place the burden of conflict resolution solely on your shoulders
It is not your load alone to carry
He also has a part to play
Do not allow him to gaslight you into thinking your mindset is wrong
His mindset is rather wrong
"Why should you be the one to do it?"
DeleteShe should or her husband should. Depending on the party with the bigger fault after each party's "processing" of the matter.
Either way, make up gbensh should be after matters have been properly made up. Otherwise it is like building a sancrete block house on bamboo stilts in silt land.
dear poster... i think your husband is just encouraging you to not hold on to whatever is upsetting you and he wants you to work to resolve your issues quickly, cause if you let it fester the gap between you can widen... it's always better if when there is an argument you work to resolve it by addressing it, bonding and making love, it actually makes you stronger and strengthens your union. It's a tragedy when a couple stops having sex, it affects the intimacy that is essential in marriage.
ReplyDeletethe bible says dont let the sun go down on your anger... i know it may be hard if you're someone who likes to process what has happened... explain that to him that you want some time to process it, but also let him know that once you have processed it you will let it go.
By God's grace your union will last and will be til death do you part in Jesus name!
Also please dont compare yourself to others - you're allowed to be upset... process and take time to do that... have space.... just dont allow it to fester into days, weeks and months.
Work on resolving your issues if you can sooner rather than later.
Blessings!
I believe so too
DeleteAfter the do, you may be relaxed and talk about things, instead holding grudges, grudges puts a huge strain on relationships.
Solidly well said @15:30
DeleteVery weird assumption. I hate conflict of any kind. Make up sex,it's after a long abstinence due to distance or ailments, not from quarrelling.
ReplyDeletePut your fit down and stress your grievances until they are resolved amicably.
ReplyDeleteI see misunderstandings as an opportunity to bond with your spouse(I am not talking about sex please) and grow in your marriage. What I mean is this, misunderstanding shows that, there is an aspect of your spouse you do not fully understand yet or there is a part of you, your spouse hasn't fully understood yet. When the heat/tension between you two has died down, it is time to communicate your grievances effectively(be open to take responsibility where need be and also apologize where need be). Some people tend to become emotional after this conversation, there may be crying and sex at this stage. It doesn't end at this stage, the next stage after this is where so much effort is needed, it is the stage where both spouses make reasonable compromise and adjustments to accommodate each other.
ReplyDeleteDisagreements are normal. But fight clean: no name calling ,voice raising or bad thoughts allowed. He is still your sweetheart.
DeleteThen discuss and settle and bury it to everybody's satisfaction. And yes Makeup sex is great. However nobody fights inorder to have makeup sex. That's toxic
Your husband is simply trying to manipulate you so he can still gbensh even when he misbehaves.
ReplyDeleteHe for kuku buy koboko dey flog you so that you guys will be having great sex every time.
You assume that the issues are always from the husband?
DeleteSome men want their dose whether or not the wife brought the wahala.
Some wont even go near a troublesome or generally good wife when she starts her wahala.
She never said who is always at fault in their misunderstanding.
Abi na me no read to understanding?
I think some men enjoy such.
ReplyDeleteI once had a boyfriend who would finish beating me and gbensh me, even while I am crying.😑
It's hard to believe that you let a guy beat you up and then had sex with him while you were crying. This was a boyfriend, even if he was your husband. I truly believe that women should cultivate self-respect before entering into any relationship because lack of self-respect is the only reason you were allowed this kind of nonsense to happen
DeleteWhilst crying.you still.open ya passport office?
Deletethis is the reason why anyone that has a girl child should abeg, SHOW HER LOVE AND WHAT LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE O, PLUS PROVIDE FOR HER O.
DeleteIf not, she'll be looking for love in the wrong places and be thinking it is okay.
He hated you and derived arousal from your distress and pain
DeleteHe is an ANIMAL AND EVIL
Your husband is a big-time manipulator,and Nahhhh Notting is wrong with anyone getting angry or upset when the person get picked at , it's only telling the person is 100% human.Dont get is twisted ooo, I, m not supporting keeping grudges and malice,If you are provocked be angry, keep to yourself, sulk if you want to ,Notting is wrong that ,it's very human but Don't let the sun go down on your anger.
ReplyDeleteAs for your husband, he should learn to say sorry when he hurt you and not brainwash you into thinking you are not normal for getting angry after upsetting you.
Master selfish manipulator
DeleteA former colleague in my university days used to do such.
ReplyDeleteHe will tell me after beating his woman black and blue, he will now sex her with force.
He's not entirely right thou, I mean after an argument, you both should first all of trash out the issue amicably, apologize properly to each other, then maybe sex should be the topping of it all.
ReplyDeleteSee, if your husband does everything right, He wouldn't need to remind you about sex after quarrels.
Guys guys so the worst just happened so my boyfriend just called me to ask if I have some money to lend him that he has an emergency. I never believe such could ever happen to me. Though he has been complaining for weeks now that he’s broke, said company tied his money and hasn’t paid yet. He’s a contractor, does projects for IOC’s I’ve seen the some of the contract agreement running into thousands of dollars , drives 2 solid cars 2015 upwards, no they’re not borrowed but I’m just shocked. When he had money he was quite generous but I’m not the type to spend money on a man especially one I am not married to. Is it that he has poor financial planning ?What do you guys think?
ReplyDeletePs: we are barely 5 months into the relationship Stella, please post my comments please don’t turn it to chronicle or if you want to turn into Chronicle post it tomorrow thank you
Give him what you can forgo. If he is genuine, use your mouth to count your teeth. Or how do they say it?
DeletePls be careful. Why does he need to borrow from you. You told him how much you are worth??? In just a 5 months relationship?
Do not panic. He was spending on you. Nothing wrong with loaning him but don’t loan so much that it will affect you. Also if you feel he won’t pay back, just loan what you can forfeit. You’re in a relationship to help each other. 5 months is plenty of time to know someone.
DeleteSimply tell him you do not spend money on a man especially one you are not married to.
DeleteWhat is so hard in telling a man that? It should not be hard since that is who you are and who you will be if you eventually get married, and situations like this arises.
Meanwhile, if you are thinking about marrying a contractor, know that they face this type of challenge fairly regularly. Contractors are usually owed or in deed of money beyond savings to take advantage of job opportunities depending on their individual risk appetite.
So, if you are not one for supporting a man financially when he is in need, look for full time well-paid salary earners.
Let me pause and let you hear from your fellow women. You may not like to hear the rest of my comments. You already know what the female Bvs will tell you and which you want to hear.
Just borrow or lend him the amount you can easily let go of. He maybe a scammer. Did you see him doing work for IOCs or it's was just some documents to set you up. Be extremely careful otherwise you will say has I known
DeleteThe Most Complex B
The Most Complex B
How much is the loan?
DeleteThat’s the most important part
Theres a game where they spend $500 and borrow 5k that they never return
Be careful
Hope the dude somehow reads this and dumps your selfish, entitled as*.
DeleteEmotional blackmail at its peak.... Self serving and more....
ReplyDeleteVery selfish mean inferior men nowadays
DeleteVery selfish mean inferior men nowadays
DeleteYou're not alone sis. I feel the same way you feel. It's such a toxic mentality. My ex used to tell me that when the house is too peaceful, he doesn't like it. So he starts something that will end up on quarrel and I wasn't happy about it
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone sis. I feel the same way you feel. It's such a toxic mentality. My ex used to tell me that when the house is too peaceful, he doesn't like it. So he starts something that will end up on quarrel and I wasn't happy about it
ReplyDeleteSex is a form of communication for those that are ignorant. Poster seems like the type to drag out issues...the 'you must apologise for every damn thing' type. It's not that serious.
ReplyDeleteAm really glad I dated my ex. She taught me how to quarrel 'forward'...and she sometimes used physical contact to break the ice, as it should be.
Those calling your husband a gas lighter and manipulator are simply deluding you.
Kind of crazy to me how y'all expose your spouses to insults from strangers, that are in most cases no better, for issues that do not even qualify as such