Hmmmmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
ADVICE NEEDED
I have an adopted brother (my third cousin).
The thing is, he lost his mom (my second cousin) when he was just a baby then my mom decided to take care of him since his grandpa (my first cousin) was old.
One of my aunts (my mom's younger sister) came to our house one day, saw him for the first time and the next thing she said was "this boy that I'm seeing will be very ungrateful".
Mom was not happy with what she said and a little misunderstanding happened but was later settled.
We took care of him and sent him to school. Now in the university, I am practically responsible for his tuition fee and many other things.
He would call me to ask for money at any time without giving a hoot if the money is available or not and when I complain that he's too demanding, he'll ask me why I'm complaining that God has already blessed me and I should not complain. I'll always send the money to him, that he knows for sure.
What got me pissed off the most was when I recently sent him a huge amount of money and he called me again after some days that I should send him money, that he needs the money for something... Then I told him I'm done sending him money.
My little brother asked me if it's that token that I sent to him that is making me boil like this?
Then I told him he's an ingrate and I ignored him. I didn't send him the money.
Only to later hear his late mom's half siblings (mother side) saying they are the ones solely responsible for his schooling and upkeep.
I'm sure he must have told them that no one is contributing to his school affairs since he wants to get something from them also.
I feel so hurt, because this is someone I have spent so much on.
I wanted to confront him, but was told to act like I didn't hear anything. I'm feeling so hurt as I am typing this.
ADVICE NEEDED
I have an adopted brother (my third cousin).
The thing is, he lost his mom (my second cousin) when he was just a baby then my mom decided to take care of him since his grandpa (my first cousin) was old.
One of my aunts (my mom's younger sister) came to our house one day, saw him for the first time and the next thing she said was "this boy that I'm seeing will be very ungrateful".
Mom was not happy with what she said and a little misunderstanding happened but was later settled.
We took care of him and sent him to school. Now in the university, I am practically responsible for his tuition fee and many other things.
He would call me to ask for money at any time without giving a hoot if the money is available or not and when I complain that he's too demanding, he'll ask me why I'm complaining that God has already blessed me and I should not complain. I'll always send the money to him, that he knows for sure.
What got me pissed off the most was when I recently sent him a huge amount of money and he called me again after some days that I should send him money, that he needs the money for something... Then I told him I'm done sending him money.
My little brother asked me if it's that token that I sent to him that is making me boil like this?
Then I told him he's an ingrate and I ignored him. I didn't send him the money.
Only to later hear his late mom's half siblings (mother side) saying they are the ones solely responsible for his schooling and upkeep.
I'm sure he must have told them that no one is contributing to his school affairs since he wants to get something from them also.
I feel so hurt, because this is someone I have spent so much on.
I wanted to confront him, but was told to act like I didn't hear anything. I'm feeling so hurt as I am typing this.
This is someone I can't even give my friends phone numbers to, he'll call them to beg for money (that's to the extent of how greedy and selfish he is).
Although I made a promise to him that I will sponsor his university education, what I want to do now is cut all forms of financial responsibilities to him from my end.
Won't people say I'm being wicked? Or maybe I'm over thinking the whole thing?
What do you suggest I do? Because I am so boiling with rage right now.
Hmmmmm...You enabled this ungrateful behaviour and now its too late....Its either you give him ad chop the insult and behaviour and leave it all for God to Judge or you stop giving him money to teach him a lesson...when he has no one else to give him, he will come begging, then you can reset the Narrative....If i was you i would choose the second one.....Let him learn his lessons abeg!
Your Aunt was right afterall. You made a promise to sponsor his University education, don't break it. You can do all of that without comunicating with him. He's an entitled ingrate.
ReplyDeleteCANDY
Please confront him. Tell him all you heard before ghosting him. If possible don’t stop paying his fees but let it end there only.
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
i go with the 2nd advise anty Stella said please teach him small lesson to learn so it will reset his brain
ReplyDeleteI kuku sabi throwaway people…so easily
ReplyDeleteWe plenty o
DeleteWhat you can't finish, don't start.
ReplyDeleteIf he comes back for break, you guys should sit him down and talk to him. Whatever he needs to know tell him and advice him with love but pls continue till he goes for service, from there, wash your hands.
Let him be for as long as it will take him to realize his mistake and humble himself.
ReplyDeleteThese kind of people could be a serious threat to you and your family if not taimed now.
Dear Poster, We have an almost similar position but the parents are still alive in this case....Anyway, thank you for you have done honestly....Your family deserve a huge hug and a pat on the back....This is a case of youthful exuberance and insolence....I really dunno what is wrong with the youth of today...
ReplyDeleteYour concerns are valid and I support that you don't give him other funds until he gives account for the ones he has received...Secondly, is he really in school and can you confirm this from a neutral third party? It is very important....Please forgive his bad character and treat him like a child...
Whichever you decide to do, once you send him money, indicate in the description what the money is for and tell him firmly that should give account before you send another....But this is your decision to make if you want to stop giving me money or you want to continue but boundaries must be placed now....
Please reduce the back and forth conversations with him...Take deep breaths and just talk to him once and for all....Once arguments start, disrespect will become the order of the day.....
What an ungrateful child...
All the best...
Poster, people who exhibit this kind attitude are very dangerous. I am speaking from what we experienced in my family from not just one person.
ReplyDeleteI think you should be grateful to God that you discovered his full character now. Quietly plan and secure yourself from any hurtful attempts he may want to make at you or your mother. There is no need engaging him in any discussion just cut all forms of financial obligations to him. Face your life and pray for God's increased blessings and protect upon you all.
I wanted to send similar reply.
DeletePoster, be careful of people like this, be very careful.
Pray…
You should have specific amount for monthly upkeep you used to send to him. Making it on-demand from him was your mistake.
ReplyDeleteFrom now, send him monthly allowance and lock up until next time.
Take this advice poster.
DeleteWhen I was in uni, I received a standard monthly allowance at the beginning of each month. Then extra every first semester for books and clothes. Things like my hostel fees and school fees were paid directly by my parents. If I wanted to finish my allowance on a week that was my business. There was one time I lost a phone and my parents told me point blank that I should replace it from my savings. I’ve cried from hunger a week to month end because I overspent. My parents didn’t blink and I’m a girl for that matter. In fact my father told me that the money I’m wasting on phone call I can use it to transport myself to class. I ate rice and oil, drank garri, trekked under hot sun to conserve tfare till I got my allowance. I thought they were being cruel but it taught me discipline and the importance of saving.
ReplyDeleteThis style of giving him bits and pieces when he asks is very dangerous. He can start bad habits like gambling, drinking and drugs. He will also start getting the attention of the wrong crowd. If he knows you have a structured format to sending him money and you stick to it, he will never ask you for bits and pieces. Let him go and disturb his other uncles and aunties as he’s already doing. Also I should point out that if it’s a total of less than 20k you give him a month, then he has every right to ask other relatives because cost of living is now very expensive.
Regarding him asking from other family members, what’s your own? You have bank statements and credit alerts. As they bring it to your attention, counter it with proof. Also strike conversations with others he might have told and show them proof. He’ll soon finish school right? Just give him a structured allowance and when he’s done hand him over as government property through NYSC.
On the matter of him calling your friends, my dear are all of you mad???? How did you people train this boy that he has this much audacity? If he had tried that once with me I’d have beaten him like a young thief and made him call my friend in my presence to apologize. Then I block and delete all traces of their numbers from his phone. What irresponsible madness.
It seems you people dropped the ball somewhere or he’s just a very bad egg. Either way, adopt a structure, dig to get the truth of this narrative and clear your name, and let him understand that there are consequences for certain actions.
I’m just a bit worried that this kind of boy will revert to stealing or violence. It is well.
I completely agree with this.
DeleteWell Said...Anonymous
DeleteI thank God for this blog, this is my exact predicament right now I just pray for strength to overcome
ReplyDeleteIngrates are so annoying! urghhh!
ReplyDeleteI think you should have a meeting with him and his people to address the nonsense he told them if he wants you to continue with his school sponsorship.
Also, you can restrict the monies you send him to be for tuition, accommodation and feeding. Other extras should not be your concern.
God bless all your good efforts, don't feel too bad. It's well.
It's unfortunate he's like that. Though you people didn't train him on financial discipline. Our undergraduates are placed on allowance and any other expenses are tabled.
ReplyDeleteFulfil your promise to sponsor his education and when that is done there is nothing more.
ReplyDeleteSince he is family and becoming an adult, please speak to him about his insatiable greed. If this goes unchecked he will create problems for himself and others later in life. Greed is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason. Perhaps he is possessed of the spirit of a Nigerian politician in the making.
Sometimes in our quest to help orphans we baby them so much that we forget to instill good character development in them. You can love and protect but disciplined but be present in guiding children. Nobody should be spoiled to the extent that they expect to get everything that they want and their greed goes unchecked.
He Has Bad Mouth
ReplyDeleteWith His Ungrateful Behavior
He Needs To Apologize To You..
Also Make He Understand That The Country Is Hard
Seems He No Get Eyes And Ears To See And And Hear..
Before You Start Giving Him Money Again
Tell Him This Is A Particular Amount You will Be Sending To Him Monthly
I'f He Like He Should Not Have Sense And Use It Wisely ..
Hello iya Boys
When I do things for people, I do it as unto the lord. I do it without expecting anything in return. Most humans are ungrateful. The way he is tasking you is the way he is tasking those other people. He is an ingrate not because he is an adopted child but that is who he is, you promised to see him through school, go ahead and fulfil your promise according to your ability. No seed sown goes unrewarded. God sees your heart.
ReplyDeleteConfront him about what you heard. Let him know you are aware he collects money from other people, also let those people know your financial commitment towards his education to avoid people calling you names that is not yours.
God bless you.
You can famz yourself. Even God hates ingrates abeg rest
DeleteWhat if all her efforts to see him through school yields no result at the end?? I mean what if the guy is in school to pass time??
DeleteIgnore him for a while, let's see how long it will take him. Very ungrateful being
ReplyDeleteRelax! Generosity is an investment you are making on yourself. Don’t borrow money to give him. Give him as love leads you. As per his attitude of tasking every Tom and dick for money 🤣, his eye will clear when he graduates. My brother too thought he was being smart when he was behaving exactly like this until he finally exhausted all the connections he could have built a lasting relationship with. Why are boys like that? What I told my brother when he minimised my generosity to him through school was “now that you have graduated and has a small job, you too find a relative and do your best to out do my generosity to him/her”.
ReplyDeleteI have never called or considered anyone an ingrate for any reason. I mean, wetin I do for the person? I give you life? Whatever good I do to anyone is because I am happy doing it and I know I always reap it from other sources. Most of the people who help me, I may never be in the position to pay them back. Many of them are total strangers I may never meet again. So, whatever you do to anyone is waiting for you somewhere.
This boy should be in his 20s. Don’t worry. He has a lot of maturing to do. Take it easy and don’t burn bridges. PLEASE!
Don’t give him any more money
ReplyDeleteDon’t you people work for your money
How can you work and give your money out to an ingrate
Stop it
Most kids these days are cold, they really don't care for how much sacrifice is put in to give them a soft landing. You should give the matter a deep thought & decide how you want to relate with him going forward. He needs to be corrected & learn to be appreciative.
ReplyDeletePoster are sure he is in school??
ReplyDeleteBe careful with him ooo since he never showed remorse.
All these ingrates once you stop offering them help ,next Is to plan against you or plan how to bring you down.
He is just a spoilt brat.
You should have a budget set aside for his Education
ReplyDeleteAlso,please understand that any help you render to people you are doing it for God not them
You said you promised to send him to School, the Lord has been helping you and you have been doing it ,please don't look at his behaviour
Madam, you are worsening his bad behavior by not letting him know that you are aware of him collecting money from the other family. You need to take actions that will make him bury his head in shame . If I were, you, I would call a family meeting involving both families. I will explain everything that happened, telling them that you were not aware that the other family has been supporting him all these while, yet he comes making demands all the time as if you are his last hope. ask him to deny it in the presence of everybody if he thinks you are lying. With your explanations, everybody will see him for who he truly is, and from there onwards he will cut down from his over entitlement and learn to make demands in humility.
ReplyDeleteDon't help him again ,he won't appreciate anything
ReplyDeleteThe reason is: He collect money from both sides and by so doing, he will credit whom he feels is training him. Every other money you think your spending your ass out with, he feels its his pocket fare, that's why he can open his mouth to say such.
ReplyDeleteIt has happened to me, a child i had no connection with was not going to school at all and he lives in their church premises. I paid for admission fees, bought uniform, books and all of that, i later heard that it's the Pastor Prophet that is training him. A boy that has been there running errands for them instead. When he ask me for money, i just kukuma refer him to his pastor prophet so he can collect the credit wholesale. monkey no go work, bamboo come collect praise.
I'm sorry to bring this up, but I'm concerned that your cousin might be struggling with drug addiction, given his frequent requests for money. I think it would be wise to gather his mother's relatives for a discussion to explore alternative ways of supporting him, such as a monthly allowance, rather than providing funds on demand. To avoid enabling his behavior, it might be helpful to establish a collective agreement where each family contributes only six times a year. Alternatively, if you're willing to take on the responsibility alone, please inform the others so they can refrain from providing additional support. Unfortunately, I have firsthand experience with the devastating consequences of drug addiction, as my own cousin is currently undergoing treatment in a psychiatric hospital. I urge you to intervene and support your cousin before the situation worsens.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to bring this up, but I'm concerned that your cousin might be struggling with drug addiction, given his frequent requests for money. I think it would be wise to gather his mother's relatives for a discussion to explore alternative ways of supporting him, such as a monthly allowance, rather than providing funds on demand. To avoid enabling his behavior, it might be helpful to establish a collective agreement where each family contributes only six times a year. Alternatively, if you're willing to take on the responsibility alone, please inform the others so they can refrain from providing additional support. Unfortunately, I have firsthand experience with the devastating consequences of drug addiction, as my own cousin is currently undergoing treatment in a psychiatric hospital. I urge you to intervene and support your cousin before the situation worsens.
ReplyDeleteThis is a long story.
ReplyDeleteI've been married for 10 years and for that 10 years, I've had series of miscarriages. The one that broke the camel's back was this year February when I had Ceasaran operation at 7mths old pregnancy and ended up losing the baby.
I need help for surrogacy.
Financial help is what I need now... I pray God send an helper to me.
Please anyone help me!!
Stop and see how he will react.
ReplyDeleteEven if you will give him money, discipline him first and let him realize his mistakes, there are lot of people out there looking for who to sponsor them in school, yet he has the opportunity and he is misusing it.
ReplyDeleteBia Poster,
ReplyDeleteYour rage is justified biko. But for your own sanity and wellness, it’s time to turn that anger into strategic action - instead of housing such an amount of anger and regret in your kind heart. In a way, you also enabled his entitlement by always giving in - they say spare the rod and spoil the child - the grief surrounding his infancy, in a way, enabled him to be over-pampered. Now you must reset the narrative with firm boundaries, and tough choices. Financial support should never be a blank cheque; it should come with accountability.
If you must fulfil your promise, streamline it - pay his tuition directly if possible, set a structured allowance, and make it clear that anything beyond that is on him. No more emergency requests. No more guilt trips. If you have a good relationship with his mother's relatives, reach out and come to an understanding of how to manage his tuition and other financial handouts. If not, stick to yours. I have a younger one in the University, every financial assistance is duly accounted for - which I do quarterly. It's not easy but it is what needs to be done painstakingly even if.
What about his lies? Call them out, but not emotionally. Gather proof and let the truth do the talking if necessary. Let him stew in the consequences of his greed. He’s testing the limits of your kindness, and you must teach him that generosity is not a weakness nor is kindness foolishness. You’re not wicked for withdrawing excessive support; you’re enforcing discipline which he lacks even the basics of it. If he learns now, you save him from a lifetime of entitlement. And inadvertently, save some innocent lives of the trauma of dating an ungrateful man. One way or the other, life will eventually teach him the hard way - hopefully, it won't be too late then.
This is just so painful. But you have started the good work regardless. It's best to just complete it. All the best
ReplyDeleteProbably leaving big boy life in school
ReplyDeleteProbably living big boy life in school
ReplyDeleteIngrates are the worst folks to deal with as they do not understand that giving is sacrificial. There is an opportunity cost of whatever amount you spend on them either the stocks, bonds etc you could have invested in for your old age. These entitled folks hide under the Nigerian religious mantra of “you are doing it for God”, as if God wants us to be foolish with money. The Bible says a fool and his money are easily parted, and gives us the parable of the ungrateful servant as templates for how God sees & punishes ingrates.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know how old you are but at 55, my only regret in life is how I foolishly gave what could have helped me retire comfortably by now to this cultural brainwashing. I gave $hundreds of thousands stupidly to folks who never became independent or pretended they were not, expecting me to give till 70! Borrow yourself sense, have him do chores like wash cars, do some clerical or shopping chores etc for money when he is on holiday etc to actually earn money. Make sure you treat him the way you treat your children.
Keep record of all monies given to him with dates. Let him know what you can comfortably afford. People with his attitude become dangerous when you stop, they badmouth you as if you never gave.
That boy is already involved in a lot of bad things. I guarantee you that he rolls with bad gangs. You may get robbed if you don't give him what he wants. Have you ever heard about boarding school? Send him to a military school so that they can fold him into a disciplined child..if you don't adhere to my advice....he is a ticking time bomb
ReplyDeleteAnon, he is in the university, read the post again.
DeletePoster pls first confirm if he truly is in school. Take his admission number/matric number and check.
ReplyDeleteIf he is in school, start giving him monthly allowance.
Call his mother's people and let them know you have been supporting him, send them proofs if possible. Also let them know all he has been doing to you.
My younger brother did this to me.
After depriving myself of many things to support him in school when I was working and earning peanuts as a young graduate, I used to send him monthly allowance and pay his school fees sometimes.
He later asked after graduation that "what did I do for him?" "Did I think it is the little change I used to send to him that he lived on?"
I was so hurt.
Now he is married and passing through hard times, any help I render to him now, I carry my husband, children, mum and other siblings along and I do whatever my power can carry, I don't deprive myself to help him, I have learnt my lesson.
Thank you all for the advice.
ReplyDeleteReading all your comments alone makes me feel calm and also makes me see that I wasn't overeating.
Aunty Stella, thanks so much for giving us this platform. I pray the good God will continue to bless you for all of us. #Bee