I was young and, without bragging, one of the most beautiful girls on NYSC camp; tall, very dark skin, slim, white dentition with a cute smile. I won campus and NYSC pageants but I had a troubled background and found solace with series of boyfriends to whom I may run to to escape the volatile situation at home from a very young age.
There was poverty, incest, violence, diabolism, hate at home but I always end up with men who would never treat me well. They’d hit me, introduced me some perversions I wouldn’t even bore you with from a young age.
When I met this ajebo guy on NYSC camp among other toasters, I decided to stay with him. At some point, I got pregnant by one of my boyfriends back home and needed money to get rid of it so I decided to stupidly ask my ajebo NYSC boyfriend.
To my surprise, he beat me up and broke up with me. That was the first of so many times he’d beat me up because I begged and I married him for fear of remaining at home shortly after youth service.
He had a rich father, an only son, mummy’s boy too. For the first 7yrs we were married, I didn’t work, I had 2 kids and did some online certifications. The beatings never stopped. I refused to have more kids cos all the love and respect I had for him had disappeared.
He had a rich father, an only son, mummy’s boy too. For the first 7yrs we were married, I didn’t work, I had 2 kids and did some online certifications. The beatings never stopped. I refused to have more kids cos all the love and respect I had for him had disappeared.
By the 8th year, God came through for me and I got a job, saved up a little and left him. When his family were giving me too much stress, coupled with the laughable allowance the court stated as the upkeep of two kids, I decided to give him the children.
People of God, this guy married a new wife in the space of 3 months after our divorce was final. My kids sent to a boarding school but spent most holidays with them and a few weeks with me.
They’ve been married for 8yrs now and my son who lives with them tells me how he treats her. They hardly argue and he’s never raised his voice at her talk less of hit her. Although she has her own money, he still lavishes her with gifts and throws parties at any slightest opportunity. Things he NEVER gave or did for me.
I have built myself up financially but it hurts. I have tried dating, I keep meeting men who just wouldn’t treat me right!
I am still very stunningly beautiful but…I am lonely and angry. So angry now, I don’t even go to church anymore.
This is really sad....There must be something about you and how you behave that make men treat you so bad....
With the background you explained up there, you need God in your life right now...Going to church is not finding God, find God in your quiet moment by yourself...
Let go of the anger. It is not your fault your ex husband treated you the way he did, life happens. I am happy you left that marriage, you will be okay.
ReplyDeleteStop trying to find out how he treats his new wife, it is not healthy for you.
I'm happy you are doing well financially. Do things that make you happy. See, anger and sadness will complicate things for you.
You have a beautiful life ahead and you've made mistakes that I'm sure you've learnt from. Give yourself man break, all you need now is YOU.
You got pregnant for your ex and you asked your current to pay for abortion and you are still thinking this person will respect you. He only got married to you maybe because of your beauty. Nothing more. Men are not daft. Well I will asked you to move in and maybe seek solace in your kids. ..
DeleteFoundational problem
DeleteYour family needs liberation and deliverance.
Not going to church is what the devil wants. Where can you get deliverance if not church?
You know there's something about you or your family and you refused to deal with it.
Wake-up
You need cleansing,go get fortified crystal salt and cleanse yourself at least once in a month.
ReplyDeleteThis case pass once in a month!
DeleteShe has to start from the root, as in uproot every every!
Return her Spiritual dowry back to her Spiritual husband!
Chai! Not your fault. Not his fault either cos from what I understand, he tried but he wasn’t equipped to be the help you needed.He was probably young if he married you shortly after NYSC.
Delete1. He knew this background of yours and went ahead to marry you.
2. The way you mentioned his family didn’t seem like you were in good terms with them either, which means this guy must have married you against his family approval.
3. Given your background, you probably are toxic and unable to fit into that “ajebo “ life.
My advice is, get yourself a copy of “The Secret “ by Rhonda Byrne. That book will do a deep work in your soul, mind and body. You can then extend to her “The Secret to Love, Health and Money “ by same author. These books will blow your mind! Even you won’t recognise yourself afterwards. You will be shocked how you begin to positively view life and the kind of people you are able to attract into your life and how people will generally begin to treat you wonderfully. Her books were the beginning of every good thing in my life and taught me how I made money, married a man that had close to 100% of the qualities I wanted and treats me exactly as I have always fantasised, broke barriers in my career that people thought I was using jaz, even my children turn out exactly as I spoke them to be from birth.
Sorry o, did you casually mention incest in your background narrative or was that a typo? Chai! Come take a 🫂 hug.
Oh dear..
ReplyDeleteYou were desperate,naive and vulnerable,you had nothing to your name,no one to run to or turn to..
Some men takes advantage of that after all who will question them..
You have find God first,find yourself,love yourself then forgive yourself and everyone who has hurts you..
You won't find love in men if u didn't have love to give..just be happy..
You may find someone better too..
Mrs Sharon, your comment is touching. Abusers take advantage of their victims background or circumstances. Having a loving family can make a difference to how long a person remains in a bad marriage.
DeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteSending you a warm, E-sugar bear hug. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. You were only seeking love: something you should’ve received at home—but ended up looking in the wrong places and with the wrong people.
You’re still healing from deep trauma, which is why you may be experiencing trauma bonding and co-dependency. You accepted mistreatment as love just to feel wanted. I can only imagine the pain and disappointment from your ex-husband, someone who should’ve been your shield. Yet, I admire your strength for walking away and choosing a healthier path.
You deserve happiness. If you don’t feel like going to church, God understands—He sees your broken heart and still loves you deeply.
Please, consider seeing a therapist or counselor to help you process the pain, break toxic cycles, and truly heal in your mind, body, and spirit. Don’t rush into another relationship just yet. Take time to rediscover yourself, forgive, and love you again.
Remember: you are beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image.
Wishing you healing and love.
All the best.
Dear poster, you need to start a healing journey and find peace within your self.Tge Lord is your strength
DeleteI was about to type same . Poster take this advice from SDK HABIBI.
DeleteLove yourself and let your anger go, I mean, how can you give out, what you dont have? , and that's love dear poster.
ReplyDeleteSeek God first, tell him what you want, Stop blaming yourself, forgive your ex, hang out with the right people, and you will definitely find the right man for you.
Link up with the church counseling unit.
ReplyDeleteThe hurt in your life from the onset is the one chasing men away from you, including your ex. There's an altar somewhere, do you know who I pity the most if you don't do the right thing? Your children.
May God have mercy on you.
First of all you I commend you for leaving an abusive marriage.
ReplyDeletePlease stop worrying about what he is doing as he's another person's problem now. No matter what your past was like, you didn't cause your own abuse. You need to focus on your own healing and future but thinking about what he is doing will be an obstacle to any true growth.
Abusers never change, he may be abusing her in other ways or not in front of your son. Either way, comparison is the thief of joy. Keep moving forward, no matter how hard or slow. May God be with you.
But why did you meet another man when you finally met a boyfriend that loved you compared to the guys you've been meeting? Everything is not all about outward beauty babe.
ReplyDeleteWe support, we don’t judge. She has been through a lot. Her self esteem is playing tricks on her. She needs to read a lot. There is something that literacy and exposure do to you, nothing broadens your perspective like them.
DeleteThe guy na SIMP! I can only imagine the level of stress that damaged girl must have done to him before she carry her wahala go. The only thing she had to offer is her beauty and sex. Shebi you see he isn’t beating his 2nd wife. Shebi una say once a beater, always a beater?
DeleteAnon,I asked a question. I want to know what made her cheat on a caring man who cannot be compared to her previous boyfriends. It will be good if she answers the question. It's a simple question you people are too quick to shut someone up from doing the right thing here.
DeleteWork on your self esteem.ls not totally the men"n fault.
ReplyDeleteI would have said story of my life, however; no one has ever hit me. No man has ever treated me right. But I have learned to treat ME right. You may need therapy. U need time to heal. Everything is going to be okay.
ReplyDeleteMy dear please don't do this journey without God. For me any time I face life challenges and I check deeply within me that the fault is not from me, i hand it over to God. I don't worry myself over what i cannot control. With time everything will fall into place.
ReplyDeleteSorry poster but like Stella rightly said you need God.
ReplyDeleteBreakthrough from faulty foundation and foundational bondages
Place a value on your self henceforth. If possible, find out what others do that they are treated right and you ain't doing.
ReplyDeleteStop being forward or looking desperate with these men.
You can play hard to get and see.
Most importantly, if you notice a similar pattern, quite the relationship.
Hope this helps.
For your ex, it's mostly so with second marriages.
Most people in their first marriages were not mature, inexperienced etc. by their second, they most probably have learnt their mistakes and are more mature to handle situations proper.
Probably, he might have tried to hit her, and she escalated it or even reported to the authorities. But you settled and accepted it. Which gave him the courage to continue
By fowarddo u mean blunt.
DeleteKindly expatiate
Poster, the only way the pain will go away is to let it go. Beauty does not guarantee a good life, in fact beautiful women have to work twice as hard to eliminate those ppl who specialize in harming what is beautiful. The children who used to rip dolls apart and make them ugly are still alive in adulthood, they simply turn to beautiful women to rip apart. Added to your beauty is your trauma history, which makes you more susceptible to more trauma.
ReplyDeleteFrom your write up it does not appear that you have invested into your healing. Research and find a therapist you can go to. Use some of the money that you have made to purchase your freedom from the bondage of trauma bonds. Things have been happening to you since childhood, things you did not choose. Things you never signed up for will continue to happen if you do not become active in the creation of your life. Start crafting your own story, and create your life with intention from your own will of the end you want to see. Take control of your story and do not allow anyone who does not mean you good to enter your world. You have the power in you to have a wonderful life.
Let go of anger and forgive everyone in your past whom you still hold grudge against.
ReplyDeleteSeek Jesus Christ for peace ✌️. When you have received Jesus as your personal Lord and saviour, you will know what joy from within feels like.
I wish you well.
Dear poster, sounds like you need alot of counselling and healing.
ReplyDeleteYou attract men who treat you the way you treat yourself. It doesnt sound like you love yourself at all.
You got pregnant for another man when your ex husband was your boyfriend and you had the audacity to ask him for money to abort a pregnancy for another man?
Why were you surprised that he beat you? You gave him cause to hate and disrespect you.
He may have found you attractive but the memory that you are someone who doesnt respect yourself or your body, must have also been a factor that triggered him to treat you that way.
His current wife must respect herself and her body, so he knows there is no way he can treat her the way he treated you.
Dear poster, please find God, who is love and learn to love yourself. When you love yourself you will not be seeking for love in men and will not allow them to use you.
Please poster your value is not in your 'physical beauty' or that you are now financially stable. You need to know your value in God. When you learn your value, you can never accept less than to be treated in accordance with your value.
I pray God helps you poster.
May God come through for you.
ReplyDeleteStart by trying to love yourself, first.
Dear Poster, please don’t despair. Sometimes there are no answers to the question “why” when we ponder on the seeming unfairness in life. A lot of times, this happen. Perhaps your ex new of where you were coming from and treated you badly because of it. Whatever the reason, please let go of the anger. I have been in your shoes and quickly came to realize that the wounds inflicted on me were not just the I’ll treatment from my ex but that I had still invisible chains around my neck from the anger, pain, SHAME, and feelings of inadequacy. I wondered why he couldn’t or would not just love me. You must accept that it happened; that he just couldn’t love you and that’s okay. It would help you open your heart to the possibility of love from a purer place.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about where she's coming from or her previous story. She cheated on him while they were dating. If it's you would you take that lightly? Will the love ever remain thesame with you after discovering that you were cheated on?
DeleteThat's the truth SDK said in black and white. Finding christ is not in going to church. You need to genuinely give your life to God. He's the creator of the universe. He will soothe your aching soul and give you genuine love and rest. Matthew 6:3. Should be your mantra. 🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteIt's Matthew 6:33
DeleteMatthew 6:33
DeleteMatthew 6:33
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGiveaway have finished speak your mind pls stop concurring with stella goshhh
DeleteSometimes it’s hard loving someone that’s doesn’t love themselves.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of spiritual and emotional healing to undergo.
I Pray You Find Love
ReplyDeleteI Pray You Love Your Self
I Pray For Peace, Mercy And Grace Upon You..
May God Embraces You With His Lovely Arms In Jesus mighty name 🙏..
Abeg No Dey Think Anything ooo..
You Gonna Be Alright👍
Hello iya Boys
Poster I write that you love yourself first. Treat yourself well first so that you get treated well by others. Don't put yourself in a servitude position. Raise your self esteem and be more confidence now
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of Trauma that hasn't been dealt with not to talk of being healed.
ReplyDeleteYou need, therapy from all the abuses you faced while young that you carried into your marriage.
There is a certain way people who are traumatized behave, and people can sense that,. So when they do they respond either negatively to do more or positively to help.
Pls ask around and see how you can get therapy.
Pls first forgive yourself, and forgive those who hurt, just forgive. That way you will begin your healing.
The moment he started beating you, you enabled him. You should have taken a walk or made sure his first time of beating was the last.
My story from time.
ReplyDeleteA man who would give heaven and earth to his girlfriend, but when it gets to me.. no man spends a dime on me.
Yea, they always love me, likes me and the me that I am, but when it comes to money they will never give me.
The highest money a man can give to me as a girlfriend is 3k.. I mean Three thousand naira.
When they get to the next, they start spending again.
No.. I'm not miss independent and I don't have my own money either that they'll feel I do not need their money.
Anyone I ask for money will definitely agree to give me but getting close to the promised time.. malice and enmity start and that's the end of the relationship.
I don't know what it is but I know something is definitely wrong somewhere because actually nobody helps me financially both family or otherwise.
For this reason, I don't date any man.
If you like me, we do the do and you pay me for my services, that way you don't owe me anything and I don't owe you anything either.
Im sorry but you've turned yourself into a prostitute. You are worth more than that. Don't let bitterness take you down the wrong path.
Deletewith what you described, beauty is not enough to keep a relationship. you already had a troubled background which affected your attitude
ReplyDeletei think you should go back home and ask for forgiveness and find peace at your self so you can attract people that will treat you right
i hope this helps
please i am a man and not a woman
thanks
Poster, I'm sending you 🥰❤️🌹 I'm happy at least you have two kids and you're doing well financially,from your write up, it's not the fault of those men,but what the enemies has designed.cry to God every night for Deliverance,please love yourself and let go of the anger.
ReplyDeleteMay the Lord come through for you. Please make sure you never tell the stories of your past to your intended. It's not that you will lie, but a summary that doesn't give too much details is better. That way you will be respected. Stop giving gory details to people. Change your environment if possible, or change your church. Let people see you in a new light. If you can go to therapy. If you can't use ChatGPT as a therapist. Purge yourself of all the baggage of the past. Heal and be whole. Patterns/ trauma from childhood especially unhealed have subconscious effects on our lives. Stay off men for a while, focus on you. Become whole. Dress well, look good, always be cheerful. Deal with anger. Go out. Enjoy life. Your person will find you.
ReplyDeleteI pray u get the liberation u need....this is deep
ReplyDeleteYour value should not depend on how you are treated. It all depends on how you treat and view yourself. Bad men are like door to door salesmen. They will knock on every door and the one that is easy to open is the one they will enter. When you let a man beat you and you still marry him, you are done for. If he knew you were prepared to report him and embarrass him, he would have behaved. He knew you were vulnerable. You have endured a lot of trauma and many people can see how bitter and damaged you are a mile away. You need proper counselling and not from a judgy church. You need to truly care for and nourish that inner child that was damaged. You need to have boundaries and stop being led into perversions. You have done well career wise but you can do even better. Start seeing yourself as precious and worthy beyond your physical beauty. Men can see through bravado so at the first sign of your boundaries being tested, walk.
ReplyDeleteThis 20.17 comment enter o abeg. I like it.
DeleteBrilliant comment 20:17!
DeletePoster let me add that due to your past trauma from your background, you have subconsciously accepted that you are trash and should be treated as such. You also subconsciously believe you deserve to be punished for all the abuse you had to endure or willingly engaged in. So you attract that punishment. You also are not used to loving yourself and standing up for yourself. These are things you can learn from a good therapist and from your own research on healing. So you see, you need time and effort to rebuild your self esteem and purge from all the hurt and pain. Then you become more naturally positive and begin to attract healthy relationships.
Above all, Jesus blood was shed on the cross to wipe away all your iniquities, and enable you start a new relationship with God whose love for you is unconditional. When you walk with God, your life will change, as long as you walk in obedience to His will.
Finally don't be too focused in what you can get from men, but on what you can do for yourself to add value to yourself. There are generous but depraved abusers out there, so you have to be careful. Yes, there are the stingy ones, but there are the ones who will pay you to use you or to abuse you. So as has been said, work on your standards, values and boundaries, and only give in to men who meet these by being in alignment with you. How do you know them? Not by their words but by their actions towards you. I wish you well dear poster. You are worthy and valuable.
This is just so devastating to hear. Are you sure it's not spiritual? If it's not, then you need to see a therapist. There might be something you're doing wrong. All the best
ReplyDeleteYour comment really melted my heart Stella.
ReplyDeleteI will like to recommend two books to this poster namely: Knowing the God of Unparalleled Goodness and Inner Healing. Both books are by the same author Prof. Z.T. Fomum. The answer for you dear poster lies in God and not in a church. You need first to settle and handle your belong to God. God wants to meet you at your point of need dear poster. May it be well with you. Sending you heartfelt prayers.
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI sense you're carrying deep pain, shaped by turmoil and a history where love felt entwined with hardship. It’s important to recognize that you’re not to blame for this. Healing now becomes your journey. While beauty may attract attention, it doesn’t heal a hurting heart; it draws both light and shadow. Until you face that pain and unravel the grief within, you may find yourself on a familiar yet unfulfilling path.
Try not to measure your worth by comparing yourself to your children's stepmother; that’s a trap that can poison your spirit. Loneliness doesn’t reflect your lovability; it speaks to the love you deserve to offer yourself. Take this time to explore your inner world. Seek therapy to support you as you peel back the layers and foster self-love - not for anyone else, but for your own peace. Just so you know, healing is a continuous journey, a courageous stand against the past. Begin today with determination and purpose, prioritizing your well-being.