Hmmmm..
REGRETS!!!
Please Stella help me post... right now i am so depressed because of the wrong marriage am into. I have wasted 8 years of my life being married to a man that makes me feel like he did me a favour marrying me. Have tried tolerating him for years hoping things get better but rather it gets worst.
This man just want to frustrate me because am not financially boyuant,am just a private school teacher earning less than 40k a month but this man expects me 2 b sharing bills with him. He provides almost everything in d home, like taking care of d bills in the home, paying the kids school fees, while I take care of the home,does the cleaning and take care of our 2 kids alone without help from him, sometimes his family comes around,I still serve them and do my chores alone. I still provide in my own little way by buying clothes n shoes for my kids,he only buys them clothes once in a while, knowing how children grows.
I buy them clothes and shoes every year including outing, home wears n undies. I buy them snacks since they r always with me,you know how children are if you don't buy them those things you won't have peace n all that is a budget on its own but my husband wouldn't know that,I even settle their school sometimes like buying some books that was not included in the list of books I give him to buy for the kids, rather than go back to him to ask again I buy the books my self including paying for their school extra lesson n school party fees I settle that without involving him because I know is not easy.
My husband is a medical doctor and has 2 business that he refused to involve me in but decided his family should be handling the business for him,I didn't say anything but allowed him do whatever he wants.since there is no job or money to establish myself in business I decided to apply as a teacher in a private school so I don't depend on him.
This man doesn't have any value for me, since I married him I can count how many things he has bought for me yet he said I have not contributed anything to his life that I should pack my load and leave his house because he wants to marry a woman that will contribute to his life. Ever since then he has started sharing bills in the home for me by asking me to pay light bill, even our feeding money for the month has been divided into half, that I should take the responsibility since am working.
Have tried involving his family but his ignoring everyone and refused listening to anyone, even his family are telling me that they are tired of my matter so I don't have who to go to anymore. Looking at my situation right now my salary cannot carry responsibility and my family are not financially boyuant to help me because they're struggling, since my husband started this behavior they have been sending money to me and to keep asking them for money all the time knowing their situation makes me feel selfish.
The only person that I thought would be there for me is the one causing me pains when he has the means to take care of me and our 2 children. I regret everyday marrying this man because he derives pleasure seeing me suffer. I wish to leave but how do I take care of my kids alone without a good job....
Hmmmmmmmm....love gone sour because of uneven spread of finances.....What do women who lost their husbands do? Imagine that he died and manage the money you have if you really wanna leave.... You married a man who does not know how to take care of a woman and it has spread to the kids now...
Someone said to marry a kind man and most people did not understand.....
THE POST OF tUESDAY THAT WAS THINKING ABOUT CHOSING BETWEEN THE RICH GUY AND THE POOR ONE::i HOP THAT YOU READ THIS CHRONICLE
Marry a kind person e get why. 🚶♂️
ReplyDeleteMarriage is such a beautiful thing. If both parties follow the author's manual for Marriage, things will go well. But alas! The devil is working overtime wrecking such a blessed arrangement.
DeleteIndividuals now enter the union with purely selfish motives (money, looks, education, social and financial status), rather than character.
I will never advocate divorce unless under extreme situations (although I'm a divorced man myself).
My advice: continue doing good as you have been doing
Do not resort to abuse (verbal or physical), do not get your children involved in the issues, and prayerfully put the matter in God's hands.
I will neither insult you nor your husband. God can still remedy your situation.
See if you can increase your income by doing other things. Please don't disregard him. It's not the solution.
I will pray for you!
Aswear.. it's not even about the money..marry someone that gives you peace of mind..
DeleteThe man wants you out of the marriage. Since he can't throw you out, he chose to frustrate you out so people will blame you.
DeleteHe is ready to marry another woman . He regretted marrying you because financially you are below him . Check his circle of friends,are their wives better off financially?
Do other extra jobs that will increase your earnings. Drop ship online and pray that God favours you..
Anon 16;32
DeleteThank you for such a balance and wholesome perspective!
Poster follow this advice.
Leave him in Gods hand and continue doing your best while you pray for him.
It’s well
Marriage is not poverty alleviation program better develop yourself before marriage taking care of you is relative and reading from your text shows that your expectations is high but my advice is look for ways of improving yourself financially either by going to holiday school or have a provision shop near your house after school
ReplyDeleteNo sense in your comment at all
DeleteThat man is wicked.
DeletePoster, once in a while go out and visit your friends, dress to kill. Start ignoring him and be reporring him to God.
hmmmmm, this thing called marriage. odiegwu
ReplyDeleteA medical doctor? What was your relationship like while dating? Cos it sounds like you saw all these but felt it can't be that bad in marriage. Unfortunately, life had other plans for you. Like Stella said, act like he's dead and live each day as it comes. I can't tell you to go back home as you just explained how "home" is. All the best.
DeletePoster,you have to double your hustle ni oooo. Since he doesn't care,you have to step up your game,by engaging in extra classes. The reason I advise young women to be really financially empowered before marriage. Marriage is not an an escape from poverty or financial insufficiency. It won't be easy but you will survive. 🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeletePoster,
ReplyDeleteSorry for what you're going through. I really wouldn't know what transpired or made him to treat you this way which isn't a justifications as well. But why would a private school pays 40k? This is so poor and bad with the amount they make from pupils.
Back to the issue. This is one of the reasons we advise women to marry kind hearted men and not fixated on riches. Most rich and wealthy men treat their wives badly. They feel they're doing you a favour.
All I will advise you now is to start drawing a saving plan. Don't you think a little business is even better than that meagre 40k you're being paid. Look for something better business wise to do and You'll grow your finance. Teaching jobs only make you feed and pay little bills, you can't save or grow finance from it.
I wish you all the best.
© TEEJAY
A level 8 teacher in Anambra makes 40k/month.
DeleteHow much is minimum wage?
I m asking you Teejay...
Let me stop here but don't make out of touch statements.
OP,obviously he thinks you make a lot more than you do. Let him know what your salary is and your monthly expenses. Honestly I don't get all this 1 person picking up all the bills. Help out,do something. Let him do housework too since you are now running the modern pattern of marriage.
Dear Poster, This sounds very frustrating and I can imagine how you feel...It's almost like you are not doing enough even though you are doing your best...
ReplyDeleteGoing by your writeup, your husband is not kind and I don't like his attitude..However, you are now faced with the reality to increase your income...Have you considered adding another source of income or do extra lessons with other children? This is a wakeup call to double up; it's not easy but you need to pull your weight too which is where I am sensing your husband's frustrations....
Please count down the snacks and drinks for the children...You mustn't indulge to their demands all the time...kindly tell them that there is no money for snacks but more on home cooked meals...Just limit it and explain to them why...
Do both of you plan your monthly incomes and expenses? Like budget and all...When you do, you can easily remove the "wants" and focus on the "needs"...
Try as much as possible to do something to bring more because your parents are not happy that you still meet them for your financial needs...
You can apply for a higher paying job; remember you are doing this for you and your children...I believe that God will surprise you with a good news soon...
All the best 👍 May God come through for you...It takes nothing to be kind to one another...
What weight when she’s taking care of two kids and doing ridiculous house chores!!! There’s no way she can manage things plus that environment is toxic!! She will need to leave. Yes leave I said it! Mentally emotionally she won’t be able to manage things plus she works. Poster should move out, plead with your parents to move back, explain things thoroughly to them and how depressed and frustrated you are in that marriage because you’re afraid how things might end. Give them a timeline on how long you’ll stay. Tell your parents to help out with childcare so you can hustle and save save save. You’ll be in a much better position and environment where no one is frustrating you. Drag that modafcker to court if he doesn’t help with child support. There is this lady on youtube that helps with that. Funmi something….. I forgot her last name. I believe she does it for free or for cheap. You’ve been a single married woman. You’ve been one so why stay in a marriage that continues to devalue you and mess with your self esteem. Best thing is to separate and work on coparenting. In the long run, sign up for certifications, revamp your resume, network and talk to people about job opportunities. This is the time to go hard for yourself and your kids.
DeleteI can relate to this because I’m currently going through the same thing! I almost ran nuts dealing with a narcissist man. I had to leave and I have my peace of mind. I’m in a saner country so he has no choice but to pay for child support. Men like our husbands don’t change except God and when they decide to change. They’re mean to the core and it’s not your fault they’re this way. God will specially judge men like these so don’t worry. We are help mate to men and not slave and a lot of men have abused it. They will never seek help because they don’t feel like they have a problem. If he marries 100 wives today, it’ll be the same and will treat them like shit eventually because that’s who he is. Leave for your sanity sake and for the sake of your kids! Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteDust your CV and start looking for a better job. Focus on becoming a better you. What you need is better income and not a new husband. Some married women are the ones paying rent, school fees etc. Your husband wants you to level up financially.
ReplyDeleteI was like you. Married a man who doesn't know how to take care of his woman. Mine pays for everything in the house but doesn't buy me shit. I saved up my salary, really saved. Imagine saving 5k every month for nine years, yes that's me! I have huge savings now and he has no idea about it. Since I work as a chef on an island, I met people and I'm not a very religious person so I accepted all the help"that came my way. Amped up my looks with small facial surgery and now dear husband is seething with jealousy as I look hella fine and chic plus i no longer ask him for anything. He cheats like a dog, but yours faithfully isn't batting an eyelid. I'm not divorcing him, let him marry 10. So far he doesn't interfere with my life, I'm good. Be like me, do not care about society. Lie low and do your thing.
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmm @since I am not a religious person, I accepted all the help that came my way!!! I am sure you are one of the BVs who castigate adulterous/sexually immoral chroniclers here.When I say it that more married women in Nigeria are involved in affairs than the married men, you all may not believe me. Kontinu - you have used an "unkind" husband as an excuse to wallow in your adulterous ways.
DeleteBut Stella whether or not this husband is Rich is not the issue here. The Man is simply mean!!!
ReplyDeleteEven here in the abroad a teacher's salary is nowhere close to that of a doctor's. No right thinking person with a fair mind would think to ask a teacher to do half and half against a doctor who makes at least 4-5 times more on average. That is grossly unfair. I wonder if he is cheating and trying to frustrate you so the way is made for him to bring in whomever he desires.
ReplyDeletePlease stop asking your family members for money, that is a burden on them that they do not deserve, especially in these times. You will not be able to keep up and you will be further in debt. If you belong to a religious community please report him. Stay in your house and do not leave. If he forcefully have you vacated then you have the law on your side. Keep records so you can build a case. Locate one woman focused charity that also involves itself in family matters and speak with them so there is a record of you seeking help. All the requests for money you sent to your family members, keep a copy of them.
Continue to contribute according to your capacity, but don't turn to borrower and beggar when your husband is a man of solid financial means. Tell him you would like both of you to see a marriage counsellor, he will likely 99% refuse, keep a record. Contact one marriage counsellor so there is a record on your phone of attempting to take steps to save your marriage. Be strategic and start being tactical. He wants to put you on the street with nothing, plan and strategize. Even if tomorrow he turns over and start acting lovey dovey, don't buy it. He may have just seen the chronicle. Have your back up plan!
The deed is already done. Stop reporting him to anyone and do not complain about anything, just as Stella said what if he is no more. You sound like a graduate, start reaching out to people for jobs and develop yourself in areas you are lacking. There are alot of learnings you can do on YouTube, even for remote jobs or online businesses.
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to be ashamed of now, fight for your self respect in the most dignified way, let him see you can survive without him. It will be difficult but we are rooting for you. One step at a time.
I feel really sorry for you, this is a difficult place to be in.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is a wicked person who hates you and has no regard for you.
Like others have said, start doing extra lessons in your neighborhood. Then apply for better jobs elsewhere. If you can help people clean their houses or wash clothes during weekends, do that too. Stop contributing to unnecessary things in the home and save up some money. I’m sure within a year you would have some money to start a business.
But for now stay put in that house and begin to save. If you leave 40k cannot do anything for you in this economy.
If I were you, I will embarrass him by asking around his friend circle and social circle for menial jobs. Let his peers know that his wife has to do menial jobs to sustain the family. But that’s me.
Dear poster,I feel your pain,the Lord is your strength.
ReplyDeleteIn all you do,marry a kind person.
Doesn't this chronicle actually prove your assertions to be wrong? You told the earlier OP to go for money, yet today's chronicle shows that dating/marrying a man with only money to offer, can be a recipe for headaches and heartache!
ReplyDeleteAt the end it is only God that have the right answer.
DeleteThat’s what they call approbating and reprobating in law. Blowing hot and cold. English man will say talking from both sides of the mouth. Isn’t it better to stay mute?
DeleteThat's exactly what she told her. lol.
DeleteFolks just can't satisfy with who is in their life. He knew he wanted a high income earning woman and chose the BV because she is likely beautiful or appealing in some other way, now he trying to stress her out when he knew all along that she was a low-income earner with lesser qualification than him. Just go for what you want from the start and let ppl be. Frustrating that woman and making her life a misery to the point she out here begging and borrowing while being married. Putting her in such a shameful state. That man is vile.
Lol… sometimes Stella’s advice dey give headache and confusion
DeleteThis is quite pathetic, May the Lord help you, you also need to help yourself, probably look for a better paying job, it might not be easy considering the current economic situations, but nothing is impossible.
ReplyDeleteMadam you need to step up your game, just assume in your head that your husband is dead and you are left in this world to take care of your children. If he is no longer paying school fees for your kids, just take them to a more cheaper school you can afford for now. Make sure you follow them up with extra moral lesson at home since you are a school teacher.
ReplyDeleteZero your mind about your husband both his money just present he doesn’t exit at all at all. Just work hard and make your own money, see if you can save up something little and see how you can make things work for you.
Stop going to ask for money from your family, stop asking your husband for money, pretend you are not interested in his money but anytime he offers you something just accept and keep your head high. Make sure you don’t allow any man to come near you, try and build up friends who can help you out before you enter into depression.
Madam, contributing to his life is not necessarily finances as everyone is focusing on. Him sharing the responsibilities as half is a result/symptom of the issue.
ReplyDeleteYou married an intellectual and professional. You should understand the mindset of those types and when you're with them, you're expected to PULL YOUR WEIGHT, no matter how light it is: ask medical students if you don't understand. You can't be with such and be complacent both economically and intellectually. You'll end up in the state you're in now, disrespected. Lemme ask, what have you done to develop yourself these 8 years aside giving birth and staying in a low paying job. Aren't there courses to do? A more determined drive to improve your status?
Develop a drive and I bet you, the respect may start coming back.
If it's sympathy you want, there's enough of it above but what it is, is what I've told you. Hope it is still salvageable tho
Nobody should act on verbal abuse. He did not sit the poster down in a civil manner to tell her that he is concerned and a.b.c, he told her to pack her bags and leave. So because he stated that, she should now jump through hoops of fire to make him happy in a way that he has not even defined? While punishing the family financially just because he can. This type of man is the type to keep moving the goal post. He has seen what he wants outside and he simply wants to frustrate the bv to leave and make space for his desire to move in.
DeleteI agree with everything you stated with regards to self improvement, but not to please him, to make herself more competitive and secured in life seeing the works of her own hands. Nothing she does in this case should be about pleasing him. Man is eviler than a deep latrine with a high seat, anywhere you take it there is danger.
Read the Chronicle again. She said he HAD BEEN complaining she's not contributing while he was taking care of a lot of the responsibilities. The current issues are much more recent.
DeleteBasically, she was overly complacent. Which self respecting woman will see a salary gap that ridiculous and not struggle to at least close it somewhat for her own satisfaction.
Sorry o,but am not one for B.S and unnecessary empathy. Let's tell ourselves the truth attimes
She stated no such thing. She actually stated that the primary cost of caring for the children is on her shoulders. He established two businesses that he did not allow her to be a part of them and placed his family members to run. Then he wants her to do 50/50. How can they do 50/50 when they are not financial equals? They are in a 80/20 or 90/10 situation if one is to be absolutely fair. Now he has resorted to verbal attacks and chasing her out the home. That is not a correct approach to any feelings he is having.
DeleteHe is just not a good person. Azzhole with degree and status is still an azzhole.
Read the first and second paragraphs madam.
DeleteIt is from the fourth paragraph, afters he stated he wants out that the 50/50 thing came up.
Everyone always feel they're doing so much when in reality, they probably aren't. She stated he barely buys her things but I can bet if you ask him, he'll say otherwise. It's all impression vs reality.
Instead of castigating, the poster needs to be told to go and critically assess herself. Who sits comfortably in a 40k job? Buying clothes for the kids is what most women do...what do men know about sizes and wears, but frankly that is Not enough for a woman that sincerely wants to contribute to the home. . She should find a way/strategy to make the man feel her presence except she wants to take the advices above and destroy her home. Her home.
I’m sure a man wrote this. I dispise men like you! Raising kids is a damn tough job!!!! You men think it’s easy. Juggling young kids and working is tough! Ask other married women. I mean some are doing it if they have enough support system in place to help with childcare. But it seems poster is burdened with house chores and raising their kids! His kids! Postpartum depression nko? Some women go through that and it can be emotionally exhausting and to top it off, she’s with a Narcissistic man who basically hate her!! Poster if you can get through this phase ehn, just promise yourself you will make it in this life. You will be rich. You will never depend on any man or anyone ever again because you’ve seen how human beings can do 360 turnaround. Most naija men are mean and don’t have emotions in them. They’re cold fish. The harsh reality of naija economy is not helping the matter at all. Wishing you all the best 💕
DeleteMadam learn how to be doing pretentious prayers like knowing when he usually comes back, start kabashing that may God bless my husband, keep him safe..."
DeleteYou can decide whoever you like, it doesn't change the truth. If she wanted to be a sit at home wife, then she should have found someone that is ok with such. Multiple women work and still raise their kids and are still supportive...Truth. The poster is not completely devoid of fault and sounds very complacent. Everyone is advising her to up her game, isn't that what a self respecting woman should've been aiming at from onset, for her self development and for the home?
DeleteThis is why we keep having rubbish chronicles because we can't tell ourselves the truth.
@oster...
You wanted answers, you've gotten multitude. It's your home.. Finally you'll decide what will happen moving forward.
Advice is like gilded metal,the true value only comes out when the cost washes off
Poster can you fsce your life and leave him alone.you can consider him dead so that you xan rest.and do what will help you
ReplyDeleteStories like this makes me appreciate my husband eh, which kain wickedness be this biko?
ReplyDeletePoster this one hard o, this one you said your husband doesn't listen to advice, e go hard o, only Jesus fit help you like this. You are going to have to double your hustle oh
Poster, I feel so pained right now. Such a wicked and heartless man. The reason the so called horseband is even contributing money for feeding is because he is eating from the food and probably the house is his. That man doesn't see you as his wife. You are more like a househelp to him who is still contributing to take care of the house and his kids. Gosh!
ReplyDeleteI earn 140k monthly and my soon to be husband still supports me with 100k monthly due to the economic situation. person wen I never even born for. Your husband is evil
This chronicle is so annoying
And that is because you have a husband not a horseband. All these earthly titles that so many bow down to, and treat others like shyt because they feel that they are beneath them. A home, which is supposed to be a sanctuary for all has turned into battleground to the point where one adult is punishing another. One person makes 10 - 20 times the other and they want to split 50/50. Even if her income rises to 200k monthly it is still unbalanced for 50/50.
DeleteGo down on your knees and thank your heavenly Father who has blessed with you a good man.
Anon 17.29, pls just exercise patience until he marries you and the kids come in - then family expenses increase. Come back and write us a chronicle. Most of you women/wives are lazy and entitled. In this current tough economy in Nigeria, a husband was meeting all the bills in the house and may be you were still complaining and asking for me. How much are doctors paid and how much are the businesses bringing in? Businesses in this hard times? This is the way most men treat nagging, ungrateful and unappreciative wives. You earn 40T/month and you are comfortable with it - no effort to improve yourself or finances. What about other wives who have useless husbands that don't contribute a dime to family expenses and still steal from the wives? Your husband is doing all these to teach you a lesson, temporarily, so that you will come down from your nagging and broke high horse. The only blame I will heap on him is to be transparent with his finances with you. But I guess cos of your regular nagging he has decided not to, so that you can do whatever pleases you. By the way, there is no woman anywhere he is about to marry!
DeleteExactly. That's what these women do but get. The poster needs to look critically at herself.
DeletePoster, Your Husband is not a Kind Man. Listen up, You need ExtraSource of income, Buy stuff and sell.
ReplyDeleteStop reporting him to Family, Try and reduce asking your Family for Money.
Right now if you see Menial Jobs do it.
Yes it will not be Easy but like this You do not have the Luxury of Choice.
To the Poster that the 21years old Daughter wants to Marry, Can You see why i insist Your Child should not Marry without Been Independent!!! Today's Poster earn little Money ooooh,Yet see her Experience.......Your Child literally has nothing to her Name.
But she probably cannot do a menial job because he is a doctor and that would bring embarrassment to the family. Although, it would signal to the community that her situation at home is bad and may help her case. May not be a bad strategy when you really think about it.
DeletePls poster dust your CV and look for a better job with a better salary that can allow you to save like 5k or 10k monthly. Then you can start a business when you have enough. Leaving the marriage is not the solution since he is not hitting you or dashing you diseases. May God help you.
ReplyDeleteDude wants you to leave so he can marry another
ReplyDeleteHe’s trying to frustrate you to leave on your own
Be telling your children to go ask him for money
Your hubby doesn't have the fear of God because if he does, he would have been kind to you,even if he doesn't love you but for the fact you both have kids together.
ReplyDeletePoster, increase your hustle and improve on yourself.while still working as a teacher, you can as well go and learn a skill,it will assist you financially.
May God grant peace to your home and make your hubby love you more .
Everyone is saying dust your c.v like that shouldn't have been a common sense action in the past, lemme say six years, rather than sitting on your hands to the point your husband has become BORED of you, because that is what the problem is... He is B.O.R.E.D.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't good intellectual, academic nor economic mate, how do you expect the relationship to progress?
Let's tell ourselves and the poster the truth.
That he's well to do doesn't mean you wouldn't push yourself. Look at power couples the world over. Look at Odili and his wife: perfect example and learn your lesson. The same wicked man will get into another relationship and be the most giving and supportive husband.... It's impression/reality, action/reaction.
A world renowned intellectual said 'if you listen hard enough, everyone tells you what their thinking'...in your case, he's told you clearly, he doesn't feel supported. Two businesses or not first mean he's doing extremely well. There's something called Charlie's law. Listen to what he has told and try to make amends if you still want your marriage to survive.
You got it, bro or sis (whoever you are). She is a lazy, entitled and nagging wife! We have them many in Nig. Doctors are amongst the worst paying professionals in Nig. What business is he doing? That Doctor is struggling to survive and take care of the family expenses with no concrete support from the wife. Most men don't reveal or express the stress they are going thru currently, paying for house rent, kids' school fees, food and other unrecognised family expenses. Pls go and improve yourself and share one (just one) of the major expenses listed above to show solid support as a wife.
DeleteAlso, at the Tuesday Chronicle...I talked about the importance of intellectual connection then. This is a good example of what I meant. It's important to keep your selves stimulated and fresh. That's what keeps relationships alive. Not lovey dovey
ReplyDeleteWe cannot determine that she is intellectually dull based on the chronicle. And not all doctors are intellectually stimulating beyond their scope of expertise.
DeleteDear poster, please don't feel bad,money isn't the reason he is treating you like this,he is a natural sadist,try and cheer yourself up,look for a skill that can make you busy and forget about his attitude towards you.God will surely show up for you.
ReplyDeleteMadam if you do nothing about this situation you will still cry like this in the next 20years
ReplyDeleteI was like you
He is rich comfortable able to send children to above average school yet won’t buy me a penny,won’t invest in my business,won’t even acknowledge me. I am a POs
Has kids and this mudaf$&@ker won’t bat an eyelid
I left
Setup my self
Bought land relocated to another state
Stood up for myself
The dingbat is going about telling people I am cold
Who cares
I saw hell
I’m at a point that I can bring war,pure bl$&dbath war to his doorstep but I leave him
Let the universe take it’s course
I’m a winning woman
He couldn’t sink me
Whatever you choose
Stay or leave that’s up to you
But whatever you do don’t let your children see you weak
If you think you are in pain now wait till they grow up
Don’t let your children see you penninless and cry wimp
There’s little sympathy there
If you’re still single, pls make sure whoever you marry is kind. Not just to you but observe how he/she treats others. Especially when they are upset.
ReplyDeletePoster I will advise you to ignore him. Check out online for in demand IT courses you can do to acquire a competitive skill for your self.
Your husband is surrounded by intellectual women on a daily and somehow feels like you don’t level up.
Not like he didn’t see those women before marrying you but some of these men won’t want to be with a woman on their level because they feel she won’t be submissive but still won’t appreciate the one they eventually choose to go for.
Focus on improving yourself. Read books. Sign up to gym n workout, you meet people there and network. Go on solo dates. Just you in a lounge with good music. Enrich and romanticize your life.
This would help you greatly.
Also Save and plan your life in case of any eventuality.
I read a book about high achieving women who faced domestic violence. The author was a doctor and she said many men, even peers, do not go for high achieving women because of their ego and personal fears that she could become more successful than them.
DeleteI remember she said she was on a date and when the date learned of the illustrious institution she had attended and that she passed a test he had failed, she never heard from him again, even though she thought they had a great time. Many of them don’t want anyone with the potential to outshine them.
Hmmm.. unfortunately, this is the issue we are having these days. It's just so terrible. May God have mercy on us
ReplyDeleteLet me follow Stella and do, hmmmmm...
ReplyDeleteI don’t even know where to start. Everything about this marriage feels unbalanced. For someone like me who has walked through fire, it’s painful to see women enter or remain in marriages without a sustainable means of support. Just as women are advised to have "vex money" on dates, marriage requires the same—an escape plan for when things go irredeemably south. We see, hear, and read about this daily, yet we blindly surrender our self-care to fate in the name of love. But love guarantees nothing in marriage—empathy, kindness, and understanding do.
Your reality is drowning in unmet expectations, and you keep bailing water from a sinking ship instead of building a lifeboat. This man has shown you who he is—it’s time to believe him. You’re not weak; you’re just exhausted from carrying a load meant for two. Regret won’t change anything, but strategy will. Your husband values contribution over companionship, so stop expecting love where only transactions exist. Start saving, no matter how little. Your job may not be ideal, but it’s a stepping stone—upskill, explore side hustles, and increase your earning power. Stop funding extras and unnecessary expenses. Secure yourself first. Prioritise survival, then decide: do you want to keep being tolerated, or do you want to truly live?
In reality, you’re already fending for yourself. The only thing missing is your belief that you can do it alone. Stop begging for crumbs from a man who feasts elsewhere - he won’t change. Marriage, like a comfort zone, is where you live your true self. Start building an exit plan. Imagine he’s gone - how would you survive? Do that now. Love should never feel like self-neglect in disguise. Imagine nursing a wound while handing the knife back to the one who cut you - who does that?
It is true that, change happens when pain meets clarity. Kindly stop investing in "what ifs" and start honouring your worth. If he wanted stability with you, he’d have built it by now. Give yourself permission to walk away with an intentional plan - not as a punishment to him, but as a gift to yourself. Please, don’t let guilt or fear keep you stuck. Your children need a strong mother, not a sacrificial lamb. Step out of the shadows of lukewarmness. Be bold in your thoughts. Dare yourself. Step up for yourself, and you’ll find the path to freedom - one decisive action at a time.
No amount of affection will compensate for these chronic disappointments. His indecision isn’t circumstantial; it’s a pattern that has left you as his placeholder, not his priority. Why hope for closure from him - it isn’t in his words? It’s in your decision to stop waiting. Heal forward, not in circles. Please.
Stella sorry for posting late, na time difference cause am.
ReplyDeleteMy sister, let me advise you. Always read the room. Know your limitations, disadvantage and inadequacies and try to make up from them in other ways that you have superior qualities in. A wise woman will always weigh what she is gaining against what she stands to lose if she gets careless. Since you know how much you depend or need him, why don’t you stoop to conquer? Why don’t you invest yourself into securing the love and devotion of this man? You can actually get this man to devote himself to you if you find his weakness, his likes and capitalise on them. Focus on his strengths when you pray. Stop counting the things he doesn’t do for you because whatever you feed, grows. You know him better than us and I believe you can swallow your pride and win this guy back to yourself. Be feminine and focus on enjoying your marriage. The small money you make should have been purely for your savings and buying him gifts, celebrating him and thanking for all he does for the family. Your children’s up keep shouldn’t have rested on your shoulders if you didn’t decide to show independence. Take him out for dinners, celebrate his birthdays and achievements, send him ice cream and cake at work to share with his colleagues then save the rest. Soften him up and be a babe!
.. Just want to hug you and trust me you are not alone. Raising smaller children without external help on chores and still need to go to work, isn't easy at all. A lesson to the younger ones, be very equipped before marriage, regardless of his riches or not. I think you should be vocal on the help you need to be self sustaining... Who knows, help might come your way! Starting a business with zero capital is scary too. If he insists you move out.... Just take him as if he no longer exists . See if you can get a bit of financial help from your family and start from scratch, by renting probably a room. You can seek court redress for their upkeep and maybe enroll them in a public school, if he doesn't turn up. Give yourself maximum of 2 years to bounce back. Live very modestly within those period. Wishing you God's unfailing intervention and also see if there is a particular friend who could talk sense to him or a revered church member. Take some time out to pray for a change of heart if possible.... Hugs
ReplyDeleteShe buys clothes once a year.... Stop sounding like she's Bull Gates wife. She's lazy and like someone stated above, entitled....a flat tire, no motion
DeleteI wrote in two weeks ago about how my Ex left me because I was earning 35000 naira. Poster, you need to pray and take your life back by upskilling. I will recommend digital witch's IT support class. You only need to make out 6 weeks fot the training. I try to upskill every year. Earlier in the week, I was still offered a job paying in USD based on a skill I developed last year, but I turned it down because I need to focus on nurturing the business my former boss handed over to me.
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