Hmmmm.....
CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT TO DO
Sometimes last year, my 14-year-old son walked in on my husband and me gbenshing. That is our only child and we forgot to lock the door while at the do.
After that incident, we didn't know what to make of it so towards the end of last year, he walked to me in the kitchen and asked me if it was s#x, I and his dad was having. In response, I just explained to him that s#x is a natural and wonderful way of showing our love, and that it is not dirty or bad and he was quiet afterwards but I noticed as if he is still somewhat bothered because every time his dad and I are alone together, I think he thinks we’re “doing the do.”because he comes to the door asking for one thing or the other just to disturb us.
His dad has also tried to speak with him but he's still at our door every other time except it's at night when its bedtime.
Should I send him off to my parents for a while or should he see a therapist, or our pastor, I am just embarrassed about all this. Or is it something time will sort out?
His dad has also tried to speak with him but he's still at our door every other time except it's at night when its bedtime.
Should I send him off to my parents for a while or should he see a therapist, or our pastor, I am just embarrassed about all this. Or is it something time will sort out?
Dont send him off anywhere....Dont send anyone to talk with him....Time will sort out what he saw but before that you and your hubby need to have a talk with him...What he saw will remain in his memory for a long time so you need to tell him why its done and the consequences...its time for S#x education....
Do not trust your child with a therapist, most are abusive oh....
Why should he see your Pastor? 🙄. Abeg ,be locking your door. If he comes anytime you are gbenshing to ask for thing or the other, do not open the door. Let him know that Mum and Dad need to have their alone time.
ReplyDeletePut your trust in God.
DeleteDon't send him off, if your church has sunday school, be taking there and be explaining to him in a Biblical way. Be prayerful about it.so that he won't start early. Keep praying and blessing him always.
DeleteAt 14 he should know better na, you people should teach him sex education. Even in school they supposed to have thought him. Abi I am not understanding
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
Yes, they gave him no knowledge and probably sheltered him so much that he is confused. He probably thought she was in pain and maybe the sex smells did not help the situation. At 14 he should have a knowledge that adult couples engage in sexual activity. Doesn’t he even know how he got on the planet? Sheltering your child is one thing, bringing them up totally ignorant of life is ridiculous. The school cannot be expected to teach everything. Sex education starts at home.
DeleteI am sure many couples have had to deal with this. Unless one lives in a massive home children will hear sounds and see something at some point. I do not know if the poster were up all in nasty or it was being done modestly, whatever the case, the boy needs to get right into sex education and understand that his parents are not eunuchs.
Buy him some sex education books and learning videos that are age appropriate. If you’re religious folks you must position sex within marriage as the standard. He should know about wet dreams and his developing body, arousal and how to control himself and redirect his energy into something productive like sports or creative pursuits. You need to also set up the environment where he is free to ask questions. Not just you talking at him, but allowing him to ask what he wants to ask. His father needs to spearhead this discussion and get this over and done with.
Educate him further,he still doesn't understand you..
ReplyDeleteWhy should you knack without care knowing your son might come in unexpectedly ? Ndi iberibe
ReplyDeleteOversabi
DeleteMy dear time will sort out everything jaree, just follow Mammi Stella's advice
ReplyDeletePlease don't send him anywhere. Continue to explain to him,that sex outside marriage is a sin. Apart
ReplyDeletefrom that it comes with alot of responsibility. You and your husband should continue to educate him and pray for him.
Present day children have higher intelligence levels that mere induction of fear has very short and weak effects on them. They understand facts and reality better. Yes, tell him the responsibilities it come with, self control, matter of consent, protection, STI, etc.
DeleteHe is curious. It's the age of curiosity. With time it will get off his memory. But you have to let him understand that sex is for married couples not for children since he's curious to know
ReplyDeleteStella is right.. follow her advice.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, Please don't refer him to anybody or outsource this; it will worsen the situation and you would give him the free ticket to seek this knowledge from school mates, peers or a wrong adult......
ReplyDeleteYeah it is an embarrassing situation but it has happened....However, both you and your husband should sit down with him and discuss about sex; and give him some sex education in the mix....
Trust me these teenagers know what's up and he is aware too but he just needs wholesome information and he needs time to process what he saw.....You can both let him know that if he has questions, he can feel free to ask you but limit the answers to an age-appropriate discussion with emotional intelligence.....
You can visit parenting websites or resource materials to give a best approach with a teenager....It's not a very easy discussion to have but it will be a learning curve for your family....
All the best
Does this mean that at 14 years, you haven't started having sex talk with your son yet? If yes,please start educating him now and as Stella said, do not trust any therapist nor pastor with your child please.
ReplyDeleteGo to Google and find out how you can educate him on such things.
P.S Poster Please teach him how to respect boundaries and not to be a peeping tom or eavesdroppers as well....
ReplyDeleteYes, it's time for sex education.
ReplyDeleteTell him that sex is for married couple only.
Sex Education is the best right now.
ReplyDeletePls do well to educate him.
tell him he can ask you ANYTHING and LISTEN and respond gently
ReplyDeleteWhy sending him to your Pastor? What has the Pastor got to do with something that is a natural course of life? To “bind the devil” or to “call fire down from heaven” or what exactly? The way some people have contracted out virtually their entire life to Pastor is baffling. It is your responsibility to teach your son about sex education and a 14 year old isn’t too young to learn about it. The Scriptures say train your son in the way he should go and when he is old he would not depart from it. Simple.
ReplyDeleteFor this comment. God bless you abundantly.
DeletePoster, Buy some sex education books for him and ask him to keep reading them at his leisure then ask him questions about his understand of those books. Also let him know that what he saw the other day was you and his daddy trying to give him a sibling that it is only for married people
ReplyDeleteSit him down and ask him why he keeps asking about it
ReplyDeleteAsk him if he has any questions
Sometimes kids that have walked in on their parents have been known to think dad was hurting mum because of the sounds she was making
So he may need assurance that it was the do and nothing more.
A 14 year old? Dey play.
Delete16:41 you saying like all 14 year olds are same
DeleteI knew nothing about this at 14
We’re not all living the same lives
I think you have over pampered your son because at his age, he should always get a come-in before opening the door to his parents room because what you have let him see wont live his brain for life. I am speaking from my own experience. Till date, the same picture I saw while growing up of a cousin of mine hasn't been wiped off for over 30years now. Each time I see him, that is the first picture I see. Please don't keep acting ashamed around him because of what he saw but rather use a firm tone to stop him from coming to knock on your door. He will feel bad but I think that's the best way to remedy this and also set a boundary
ReplyDeleteThis one Na small thingy,you don't send him anywhere,they thought will gradually fade away Chill and give it a time.
ReplyDeleteAt 14yrs, he is old enough to know more about sex, i assume he is in secondary school now where the topic should be discussed. Maybe he just witnessed it first hand and was surprised if this is what is all about.... Just educate him the origin of sex and why it should be only in marriage it should be done.
ReplyDeleteWas it explicitly discussed in your school
DeletePTSD.... Handle it carefully or you scar him for life. At 14, his orientation is confused and dealing with the trauma of the sight might not be easy on him.
ReplyDeleteImagine seeing your parents actively banging... Eeeewwwwwwwwww
you and your husband to have a talk with your son on this, tale him out and you all should have a family time out where you both will explain to your son what is going on. Stop pushing the responsibility to another person before they give your son ungodly advise. You want to send him to some persons who cannot love him better than you his parent will do, i guess your son is lonely and need sibling.
ReplyDeleteyou should let him understand that dad and mum must have their time spend together without their child, you should have done this before now cos years old child is big enough to have sex education. You better start your home work on your son before another person teach him rubbish.
Just continue to answer his questions and let him feel free to ask any questions but for now don't do the do in the afternoon again since night is ok and if he comes again to ask for anything just open the door so that he won't have it in his memory that the only thing mum and dad does behind close door is sex
ReplyDeleteHow would you tell him that sex is a good thing without stating out the need for it to be done only in marriage. How do you want his mind to be at ease now after that half lecture you gave him. Sex is good but it's only adviced in the bible to be practiced by husbands and wives alone for procreation( tell him procreation!). With this he won't bother his mind too much wishing for the day he will practice it with someone at this early age. Or thinking that his parents are bad. The day he will grow wings you won't be able to stop him because he will say if his parents can commit the sin of fornication then they don't have the right to stop him. I said 'sin' because that's what his mind tells him now. Na wa for you o.
ReplyDeleteDon’t stress for procreation pls but that it should be done between a man and his wife before you end up creating problems for his future wife when he limits sex to when they want to have a baby only.😃
DeleteBuy him books on sex education . Or better still, Praise Fowowe has some really good materials and packages online you could purchase to help you tutor him.
ReplyDeleteDon’t ship him off to anyone. This is in fact the point of serious business in parenting any both of you have this privilege to mould him. Good to know that a 14yo boy is that innocent. God bless his sweet soul. Draw him close and teach him all he needs to know about this subject especially the matter of CONSENT and being a true gentleman.
Pls talk to and teach him sex education.Befire he goes out and do the wrong thing.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteStella is spot on. You and your husband have handled it individually, but what he saw was a mutual act meaning you all need to sit together and talk about this incident.
You must realise that your son is 14, not 4. So, depending on the level of his education, he may already know or have an idea about sex from his science classes, even if he hasn’t experienced it firsthand. Apparently, as parents, you and your husband haven't schooled him on sex education during family time. From his actions since that incident, what I think is bothering him isn’t curiosity but discomfort.
Walking in on couples intimacy wasn’t just a biology lesson; it was an emotional shock as well. Considering how long he may have watched or what act he might have seen, this picturesque is what is making him uncomfortable - it has become an indelible scar that torments his memory, he no longer sees you as his parents but two adults he is uncomfortable leaving alone together. He is at that age where he is beginning to develop more complex, abstract thinking about everything around him or with situations or experiences he walks into - like in this case.
He’s now hyper-aware of your closeness and your feminity, and his “disturbances” are likely an unconscious attempt to reclaim his emotional safety disrupted by the sight that still lives in his head. This may be the challenging question he is trying to reconcile with an explanation from a realistic perspective. Even though it feels like his actions are blown out of proportion or dramatic to you, to him, it is new, intense, and very real - reality shock.
Sending him off won’t fix this - it’ll just make him feel pushed away or expand the worrying gap playing in his head. A therapist? It hasn't gotten to that because, as parents, you haven’t adequately explored or addressed the issue as it is expected between a child and his parents. Only if he’s showing signs of distress beyond discomfort - what you narrated didn’t highlight any such behaviour. The pastor? Unless he’s an expert in adolescent psychology or a qualified teenage behavioural therapist, that’s just outsourcing your responsibility as the first order of parenting - there's no religious conundrum here.
A candid but calm conversation between both parents is where to start. Allow him to exhaust the ghost of his discomfort through questions. Curate beautiful, thoughtful responses, but be direct. Assure him that what he saw was normal agreement for couples but private - it's part of your responsibilities to each other as husband and wife, as his well-being is to you as his parents. Set firm boundaries - your room is off-limits without knocking and waiting for a response to either come in or wait - it is a must. And for the love of all things sacred, hold it upon yourselves to prioritise locking your door no matter the intensity of the urge or drive - you owe him that much as well. Time will help, but so will a mature, ongoing dialogue. I understand these conversations don’t come easy for some parents, but avoid the awkward anxiety or shame, be open, establish a robust rapport with him going forward, bond better, and reinforce respect for privacy while at it.