REGRETS
My partner and I had our two kids in our mid 30s, and they are aged six and two. We're happy as a family but I don't think we did much planning and deep thinking about having kids.
Motherhood is like an endless burden, I am always envious of my single friends. I am struggling with my role as a parent and, sometimes doubt if I love my kids.
I hate toys, and having to train some growing humans or model a certain behavior, I hate scattered and littered spaces.
Sometimes I cry about my situation.
School holidays and weekends overwhelm me but during work days I’m relieved as I’m at work and away from the kids. I don't feel guilty about this and, if I’m honest, I’d say I don’t enjoy having small children or kids at all. I thought I was weird but I said to myself, maybe if I have one then again, I thought maybe a second one will make it better but I regret it altogether, now nothing can make me have a third.
School holidays and weekends overwhelm me but during work days I’m relieved as I’m at work and away from the kids. I don't feel guilty about this and, if I’m honest, I’d say I don’t enjoy having small children or kids at all. I thought I was weird but I said to myself, maybe if I have one then again, I thought maybe a second one will make it better but I regret it altogether, now nothing can make me have a third.
I just wish its my partner and I alone.
I dread being left alone with the kids as I feel choked.My partner is very helpful with them. I feed them more junk food and screen time than is healthy for them, just so that I can spend more alone to myself or in my room.
Any advice on how I can accept my life as a parent forcefully when deep down I regret having kids?
Any advice on how I can accept my life as a parent forcefully when deep down I regret having kids?
That's a very big selfish behaviour. You are so selfish and lazy you don't to want share your space with your own offsprings, why birth them in the first. Let nothing happen to them before tunder go fire you.
ReplyDeleteIt’s not selfish, it’s her truth. You guys don’t have any idea how many women feel like this but will not come out to say how much trauma having and taking care of kids cause women so they don’t get bashed like you just did. This is a lot of women’s reality
DeleteI pray for you poster. First, you have a disorder and only you can reevaluate yourself and ask God for forgiveness because if you keep despising them, God might remove you and allow another take care of them.
DeleteMay God help you to love them, care for them and cook real meal for them and strengthen you.
Stop feeding them junk, they are your future, your helper when you are weak, have you ever thought of old age or when you fall sick? Please I beg you, love them or bring in your relatives to help in caring for them.
There's actually nothing selfish about poster, we need to start understanding that not everyone is cut out to be a good parent, society needs to start forcing people to birth kids.
DeletePoster first off, I hope you are not suffering from any psychiatric related issue, especially depression.
Now that you have these kids, I don't believe there's a turning point, it's too late to undo that, you need to find ways to at least be a good mother to those kids, you at least owe them that, they did not ask to be born, you were a full fledged adult when you made that conscious decision.
If it means paying for therapy, please do, you might just be pleasantly surprised by how much you'll be able to unpack and unburden in therapy.
I beg of you, do right by them, at least till they're 18.
Thank you anonymous 15:32 for saying the plain truth.
DeleteSome traditional and cultural practices (I don't want to add religious ones), the pretense, fear of speaking, unhealthy expectations and all is well facade people are forced to put on these days have made it very difficult for some individuals to speak their truth.
Watch has people chastise the Poster for being brave to speak her truth. Instead of understanding that this is the reality for some people. Thank goodness for such a platform as this where people feel safe to express their pain, trials and triumphs anonymously. A lot is going on and the Poster has the right to speak her truth. In my line of work, their are many fathers and mothers who feel this way and are often relieved of their parenting duties, when their mind can't handle it anymore. The fact that a person is a parent doesn't mean they can handle parenting, mentally.
I spoke with a woman few days ago, who doesn't want to be involved in her child's life directly and would rather relinquish the responsibilities to professionals. It is all right to not have the mental capacity and other abilities for parenting. This is why some crazy ones takes the life of their child and children when it becomes overwhelming. May God come through for you Poster. I feel you, sincerely.
oh Jesus please fix this.
ReplyDeleteAmen 🙏🏿
DeletePoster please seek for help before you hurt those kids unknowingly.
Seek professional help fast!!!
ReplyDeleteThe guilt shows you are not nearly as bad a parent as you think. Don’t worry. You will be fine. I guess you live in the diaspora and have no domestic help. Yes, motherhood isn’t for everyone but then many who venture it got a handful more than they bargained for. Screen time and fast food…you won’t kill yourself naw. They will soon grow and be less dependent on you. Do your best and leave the rest biko.
ReplyDeleteWahala
DeleteVery funny! Imagine ‘leaking’ my comment. Una no get work? When did I become that important on this blog? Abeg post the link to the leaked comments let me see. Time difference no let me visit here like before.
DeleteYou are not alone on this, but that's the path we have chosen and we better be good at it. Give yourself a break, motherhood is a daunting task, it distracts you from all else but maybe use the distraction to pray and ask God for mercy and healing.
ReplyDeleteYour write up sounded ungrateful but that is what PTSD does to you, you stop seeing the beauty in precious things, there are millions of families who want what you have so chin up and let's be the best in this motherhood thingy.
Na wa!
ReplyDeleteNo body forced you to open your leg like KFC and collect. Make up your mind and sacrifice the next 10-15years and raise those kids. Jesus!
ReplyDeleteDon't do what will make you regret in future. This is a phase many mothers pass through. You are just ungrateful. You are not even grateful that you have a partner supporting you. Some laddies out there catter for up to six kids without support from anybody. This phase will pass and you will get to other better phase.
ReplyDeleteInstead of you to spend time grooming them to the standard you want them to be in future you are here nagging. Be there wasting the times you are supposed to spend inculcating right values to them . Just be nagging you hear, nagging will solve your problem.
Omo!!! This sounds like a plot of a novel. You're telling me you have no emotional connection with your children? I've read situations like this in fiction, but I never thought it could happen in real life.
ReplyDeleteThis chronicle reminds me of a viral video I saw on Sunday. A woman has been searching for her birth mother, who had given her up for adoption when she was a baby. They coincidentally met at a mall, and the reunion was so shocking. The mother claimed she wanted nothing to do with her daughter, suggesting that the daughter seek therapy and move on since she herself had already done so. I was stunned and assumed it was scripted. Reading this chronicle made me realize that the video was not unbelievable as I thought.
I suppose it's eye-opening to realize that people with perspectives like yours exist. It's intriguing that you feel a stronger bond with your partner than with your own children. This challenge the common notion that a mother's love is always unconditional. Or can be this be post-partum depression? I will be reading comments.
You need therapy. Honestly, you need someone to talk to...
ReplyDeleteI wish this were didcussed more in the nigerian space but watch them come judge you.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mother of small kids with little to no help is no walk in the park. Especially if you try to combine it with working or schooling or any other thing really.
Parents in nigeria (or anywhere else) who usually the help of relatives/neighbors or cheap domestic help to raise their children have no idea how easy they have it. They can never understand you.
I enjoy my child, but i also recognize that no one really prepares you for how difficult it is to raise kids when its just you and your spouse with no support system. It is more work than a full tine job. I do not blame people who decide to be childfree at all, i wish that would become a thing in nigeria and people wont feel pressured to have kids.
Thankfully your spouse is more hands-on with the kids. Maybe you can introduce the kids to activities that you enjoy doing, that way you can bond with them.
Also see a therapist if available to you so that you dont unconsciously pass on the trauma of how you feel to them.
I see you.
Thank you!!! I used to wonder why people will be that selfish to not want kids, but I've grown to realise that being selfish in this context is not necessarily a bad thing, better to not birth at all than to birth and not care for their needs.
DeleteAt times, I find myself worrying and praying so much for the future of my needs with the whole mess going on around the world, and again start to see reasons with people who choose to not bring kids into this messed up, chaotic world.
May God help us all to raise these kids right.
So why have kids????
ReplyDeleteNo need to give the poster Slap.
ReplyDeleteThis is a psychological issue and she needs to seek help.
Now a lot of women are confidentially choosing not to have kids even in Africa.
Do not let society define how to live your life.
People like this poster succumbed to what the society has made the “ideal” and now suffering the consequences.
Truth is a lot of women have no business having kids. It’s one thing to birth a child but raising kids is a different ball game entirely.
Thank you! I wonder about the slap too.
DeleteThe day your partner will marry another lady, you will see shege depression pro Max lol
ReplyDeleteSee yeye talk 🙄
DeleteUntil we all realise not everyone is wired to get married and/or have kids the better for all of us. Not everyone is borne with maternal instincts and some women don’t enjoy raising and nurturing little ones.
ReplyDeleteLet’s be less judgmental and try to proffer solutions for her because a lot of women have gone through this phase and some will still do.
Raising children in the diaspora is hard with no help from anyone else. Some mothers actually feel like running away some times. Contrary to what some men think, it’s not inborne in women but what the society and religious books have thrust upon us.
Poster, pls don’t feel bad about how you feel…you aren’t a bad or selfish mother.
Is it possible to get someone who comes in for a few hours on some days if you can afford it. Someone from a reputable agency who can even stay with the kids while you and your hubby get away for some days?
Pls try and do things you enjoy with your spouse before you wake up one day and realise you are 60yrs old and the only thing you can remember doing for most of your life is sacrificing for parents, siblings and later husband plus children.
Don’t get me wrong…not saying you shouldn’t care for your kids but care for your emotional and mental needs too.
Not by force.
DeleteCommunicating to your parents with good reasons will go along way.
She didnt say where she is, don’t k’ow whr u got that she lives in the diaspora, she didnt also say she is caring for her parents and siblings.
DeleteI was actually talking about a typical woman and sadly about myself. We women from young ages sacrifice for our siblings and some for parents, later for our partners and then kids till they grow old and leave the house.
DeleteYou look back and realise you lived a life of sacrifice.
If I had the chance to do it differently, I’d care for them all but prioritise myself.
Tell me about it anon😭
DeleteSorry for your mistake , parenthood is not a child play it requires grace and mercy ,God will uphold and strengthen you
ReplyDelete😂😂😂 Stella no slap am now.....
ReplyDeletePoster You painted yourself like the worst villian after Maleficient or Urusula in Little Mermaid , there is still some good in you so please drop yourself bad....You are overwhelmed, and rightly so because humans are always resistant to change.....However, feeding them junk food suggests that you need to see a therapist.....Thank God you have a supportive husband so be thankful for that....
You are so fixated on your single life and everything perfect....Now that you have 2 babies, your house, your kitchen will not be the same till they are teenagers...The truth is they won't be babies for too long; why not enjoy their clumsiness, your scattered house e.t.c....Before you know it, they will be flying off the nest in years to come.....
Please see a therapist or professional to help you enjoy the simple things of life and your family.....
All the best
Aww dear Poster. A very big E. Hugs 🫂 to you. You need to seek a professional help. Your narrative shows that you might have suffered a mild postnatal depression/psychosis without it being detected nor treated.
ReplyDeletePlease go into a good hospital that specialises in women's health and narrate this to them. I'm not a Nigerian so I don't know your hospitals.
With proper therapy sections and some antidepressants, you will be fine soon.
Don't take the harsh words people might be telling you in the comments to heart. Many women suffer these things than you know. Please, seek help, you will be fine.
You're completely normal! I have three kids and always value my 'me time' as well. Their tablets and kids' TV shows help keep them occupied. I’m also not a fan of noise or a messy environment, but I love looking at my children and feeling proud to be their mother.
ReplyDeleteI do struggle with some things, but I’m still considering having a fourth baby. So try to manage your feelings. you're not bad but can be better. Make effort and you’ll be fine!
People will drag you but I understand how you feel. When I had my son he cried so much I had violent thoughts about him. I couldn’t sleep, I was always angry, losing weight. One time I flew domestic with him and he fried all through to the point people were insulting me. I knew I had to get professional help when I purposely left him at home and booked a hotel. It was his father that came home from work to meet him wailing that evening. I didn’t tell anyone where I was for 2 days. Even at that I didn’t return home for another week. I was ready to start life afresh in another country. I just felt overwhelmed and needed some space. To come back home it took my MIL and sister to pick me from the hotel and encourage me.
ReplyDeleteHow did I fight this? I had a community and was made to understand he is my son and I can’t throw him away. I was made to understand that there are phases with children and everything will be fine eventually. My husband has been very supportive. Weekends he takes charge of home work, play time, feeding while I have a lady that comes during the week to assist with house keeping and babysitting as I work from home. It’s been 4 years and I’m only just opening my mind to having another child. We are looking at twins and have put things in place to make sure all of us don’t feel overwhelmed.
You are not a bad mother for feeling this way. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad. You are not lazy or selfish. Humans come in different forms. Some are great at math, others are good with crafts. Some women produce milk, others dont. Some people can chest cane, others will cry before being flogged. You are human and you have your strengths and this is simply an area you need a lot of support and guidance on.
Have an honest conversation with your husband, find a way to balance responsibilities, find a hobby (me I have a book club I go for every month and hangout with friends too), and remind yourself that this phase will end one day.
I want to know how it’s going after a month.
Thank you. OP is your husband really hands on with the Kids? If you are working full-time then he gets 50% childcare. You are overwhelmed . Do exactly what this poster did. Take a mandatory day off childcare once a week. Your husband can take one too. It's a marathon and not a sprint
DeleteGreat advice!
DeleteGreat great great!! I'm glad people like you are here to share your experience with the poster.
DeletePoster, you will be fine.
you need to get a help so that the work can be less on you while you enjoy your family. Family is a very beautiful thing especially with lovely kids, do not allow this mind set to affect your happiness. Those your single friends may not be happy as you look at it from afar. Deep down they maybe wanting to have a family or they envy you but will never tell you that. Enjoy the free gift of family that God gave you, so many are crying day and night to have it.
ReplyDeleteNo one should blame her . This is the reason women like Oprah don’t want kids. I and the other hand wants kids I need that unconditional love Abeg
ReplyDeleteRaising kids is an herculean task,I won't even pretend. It takes everything. With time such feelings will wear out. I'm a big time loner,I enjoy my company alot. But as a mother,they barge into your room,make demands and all what not. Just be patient.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't normal madam maybe to me. Just two and you are already wailing. Make friends with those that have 6 and you would appreciate your situation. Jesus please fix this
ReplyDeleteYou’re normal
ReplyDeleteMany feel the same
I like you and I like your husband for doing his best
You are trying. Just go one day at a time
Don’t be too worried about how to take care of them
Kids are funny. I bet they try to hang out with you more than their dad that seems to enjoy their company more
Another man food is another man poison, some women fast their life out looking for children, poster I understand you perfectly well, marriage and motherhood no be child play,I know a day is coming you will go on your knees praising God for those children.just keep trying your best as a mother 🌹❤️
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand and relate with your situation.
ReplyDeleteYour acknowledgement shows you are trying to be a better parent but you don’t know how. I would suggest if you can join parents/mothers group? It can help you to ease the tension and stress you currently going through.
If you can’t find one around you, you can search on the internet where you can join in virtually. You will be alright! and please ignore those bashing you. They have zero idea of what you going through. X
Chai, poster pele. May you find the love and strength to raise your children right. Pray well for this, so that you don't blame when the children start having issues due to lack of care from you. Even that excess junk food screen time can affect them negatively for life. Some children now have diabetes, obesity, etc. due to this.
ReplyDeletePlease don't scar those children, instead just look for a level head relative to stay with you to give them the attention and love to grow well. You can be paying the relative or start a small biz for them so that they can mellow down and stay long for the children to grow. When the children grow up you will start enjoying them and wishing that you had more sef.
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ReplyDeleteMe that have one, I am even praying to have more. 😭
ReplyDeleteChildren are a huge joy and blessing to me.
I pray for the blessing of more children.💃
I have been caring for my kids, without a helper, go to work including Saturday, market, wash, cook, clean, scream, flog, arrange, go to church early, come back late cos, im a church worker,not easy. You know what, it's ELROI that gives me strength.
ReplyDeleteLove them and ask God the way forward, He will help you.
You are truly a strong woman.💪
DeleteWeldone ma'am!!!
U are clearly suffering from untreated post partum depression it has degenerated to smting else, poster pls seek help before u unalive those kids by mistake, try and calm itself down OK, I wish I can hug u, hold ur hands in prayers, Kai ur outburst got me, I feel so emotional. But please try and get help asap u really need it because u are clearly traumatizing those innocent kids.
ReplyDeleteGbam. Was going to say this.
DeletePoster, if you believe in God and prayers, start talking to God about this matter. Ask for mercy , grace and help from above. I don't know what else to say.
ReplyDeleteMay God help those kids. Honestly.
Poster were u abused/molested as a child?
ReplyDeleteE hugs baby . All will be well.
ReplyDeleteCome and take this hug
ReplyDeleteCome and take hug
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone sis, i feel you!!
In my own case, hubby travels a lot for work, mil lives with us so we are both raising them together🤣🤣🤣🤣, my mum drops by often too.
If not i would have lost it, its overwhelming but i love my kids,
dearly, i scream my head off and feel guilty, most of the time i don't know what the hell i am doing so i pray 😂😂😂
Understand sis kids are messy and very needy, have your alone time, very important but also make out time for them, they can ask 50 questions but answer gently, or tell them to ask you later if your are busy or not in the mood, you can get help too, pay someone that comes in the evening to clean(4pm to 9pm)
Personally i don't want help, my kids get back by past 4, so immediately they get back, they do homework, eat watch TV, ask me 100 questions in between, bathe and get ready for bed, i send them to bed by 8 except weekends
Ask them about school, gist with them, you will be surprised they have gist😂, sometimes i listen to them gist about stuff amongst themselves and lmao, you will be surprised that you start to enjoy them, may be you won't but sha make an effort,
Try you hear
There's a good reason why willing singles are required, amongst other things, to be sure they are emotionally and mentally prepared with a practical mindset before talking about marriage. You may be willing but not equipped. Marriage will not be for everyone, same as having children. Some are better off being unmarried mothers. Some desire to be married without children. Some want to enjoy their union as long as it takes, before starting a family. And there are those of us who want both and are ready or were condemned to be ready by the thrust of fate.
ReplyDeleteTo marry is easy. Staying married, just like starting a family or parenthood, is where the challenge is, it changes all dynamics - even the most prepared yet finds it difficult to navigate sometimes, especially where children are involved. It can be over-demanding and draining as there is no utopia anywhere. Poster, you are not feeling out of place. Hopefully, yours, like many who have been there before, is a phase.
Motherhood indeed, feels like an endless weight - you’re drowning in regret, exhaustion, and the longing for your old life. That doesn’t make you a bad parent - it makes you honest. You don’t hate your children; you hate the disappearance of the serenity of oneself, the loss of freedom, the chaos, the overwhelming responsibility, the multitasking, and the endless having to do it all over again and again. And that’s valid - piecing a puzzle together is the fun that comes with a toughened mentality. Not for the faint-hearted.
The only issue I have with you is that you did not understand your kind of personality as one that fares better without children and ought to have gone for a partner who is also not keen on children; you'd have to come to terms with your reality. You need space, structure, and support. And I'd suggest, you lean on your partner more. Call up any loyal support you can get, and manage a family system that prioritizes your uniqueness and can work for your marriage - in other to avoid recycled conflicts.
Set clear boundaries with your kids - your sanity depends on it. Make self-care a necessity, not a luxury. You need time to deal with the life that has befallen you - to heal from the anxieties that come with parenting. Therapy needn’t be about fixing you; it should be about giving you room to breathe. And find healing while at it. Mindfulness can help, but so can practical changes - regular alone time, activities that don’t involve you entertaining them 24/7, and a routine that works for both you and your husband too.
You’re not alone. Plenty of parents feel this way at the early stages but don’t admit it or are quick to snap out of the deadlock they have found themselves in. Regret doesn’t cut it, nor
mean you don’t care - it means you’re human. And being a great mum doesn’t mean loving every moment, just showing up in the best way you can. So take a deep breath. You’re doing better than you think. Parenting is not a race or marathon; it is a life walk of instances and moments. Where the little details matter the most. May God give you the grace to acclimatize to the increasing demands of parenting.
Wow..this life is not balance..see me crying for another babies..
ReplyDeleteI know it overwhelming but Urs is different,u don't want them, that's a strong word, like I'm even scared for them right now..
Wow! This life Sha!
ReplyDeleteI am reading this at 7:51pm on my way to Lagos for a fertility treatment. I've been on the road for 12 hours! In my quest for a child and someone is here regretting having children 😭.
God abeg🙏
Forget about the life that wished you had and live the life that you actually have. All children grow up with time. I think that caring for and loving the children you have even going through deep disappointment is highly commendable. You still keep and care for them, others walked away from their responsibility and could not tell you how their children were cared for.
ReplyDeleteDo your best to bond with them and never ever let them doubt or hunger for your love. God makes no mistakes, there are many women who were desperate to be mothers and failed miserably at it, even though they thought they would be amazing. Here you are, never having truly hungered for it and doing fine. Life will not always be comfortable, nor will we enjoy every part of it, but we can grow and become better ppl from the difficult experiences. May God give you the strength and peace to fulfill this demanding and complex role.
When people like me say I don't want kids, people will be like, what's she talking about. We are all wired differently. I just spoke with someone about this today. He was shocked. In your on case, you're wicked. You knew this before getting married. Why didn't you talk about it with your partner before getting married. It's well with those kids.
ReplyDeleteI think you’re probably going through postpartum depression. Poster should find a support or therapist or someone that can help so she can take breaks. I feel like this some days. Motherhood is not easy and it’s the hardest job! But remember this too shall pass. Love those kids and take care of your mental health first.
ReplyDeleteJust have it at the back of your mind that, they won’t be young forever. They will eventually grow up and be independent. Do as much as you can to raise these kids well so they don’t become a liability or a problem in the society and even for you and your husband. Seek help and support system. Support groups for mom, help from family so you can take breaks. It is hard work. I feel overwhelmed sometimes but what keeps me going is, they don’t stay young forever. Whatever you teach them now is what they will hold on to. Good luck. 🤗
Was just going to say this. Possibly postpartum depression that has gone untreated and just ballooned. It is not something to feel ashamed of but you need to get help asap, to try to help you figure out what the problem might be.
DeleteIf you don’t have help, or close family, this is time to get them too so they can help you. With the stigma around mental health in Nigeria, people feel ashamed or scared to speak out and get help. You need to tell your husband too. The sooner you get help and on a path of recovery, the better. All the best!
May God fix your mental health ASAP beacause na like this it will affect some part of your brain before you grow old you will become a wicked mother 😳😳
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are valid sis. Some people are wired like that. But you can't throw them away cos they are here. Please make do with them. Unlike you, even though I feel overwhelmed, I can't get tired of seeing my kids. I'm always the first parent to go and pick her child from school. Let them come home and keep annoying me and I would keep yelling, but I know I'd have been so miserable without them
ReplyDelete