Hello everyone,
My initials are J.A.I., and I am the person involved in this story. I just want to express my gratitude to all of you for your contributions and the time you've spent discussing this issue.
First, I want to reiterate that I have asked for counseling multiple times, even offering to pay for it and giving her the option to choose any counselor she prefers. I have also suggested that she report me to any third party she feels comfortable with. All I want is for someone to listen to both of us. Unfortunately, all these efforts have failed. I mention this because some comments have suggested counseling as a solution.
Others have suggested that I should look inward or check myself. However, I clearly wrote that she demonstrates the same attitude towards everyone, including her family members and our children. Should everyone look inward? I find it interesting that some people raise concerns about finances. Before moving overseas, we were in Nigeria, and after two years into our marriage, she started talking about leaving the country. I had a good job and tried to convince her that it wasn't reasonable, but this led to one problem after another. By God's grace, I managed to move our family overseas, with her mother, who has since returned home, helping us care for our two children. Despite all this, I still manage most things at home.
I want to emphasize that I don't disturb her. When I faced problems with my business and lost my immigration papers, I was on the verge of being deported. She saved a lot of money from government support and work. She was able to save this much because I cover all the expenses at home and have never asked her for a dollar. At the same time, she was building a house in Lagos. I begged her to pause the construction so we could use the funds to resolve my immigration situation, but she was furious and called me many names, from selfish to others. It eventually took me three years to fix the issue.
Regarding the psychiatry concerns some have raised, she knows how to put on a good show when people are around. I remember when her aunt’s friend from Australia came to visit. For those four weeks, it was as if she was a completely different person—calling me darling and interacting wonderfully with the kids. One of our children, who was around 7 at the time, asked me why mummy had changed. Sadly, she reverted to her previous behaviour the moment the lady left. In fact, from the airport, she began issuing harsh instructions.
Again, there is her pastor she calls everyday, and when ever she is on phone with him, she is very cordial, she does not insult anyone of she talks to us calmly, but immediately she hangs up, booom. so she clearly knows what she is doing. Her mum has even said this.
My kids even asked me days ago, "How did I end up with a woman like our mother?"
Hmmm, so you people live in a Country that uses Dollar....Maybe she is no longer interested in the Marriage, I could have said she is bipolar but she actions seem calculated.......I pity you and what you and the kids are going through
My initials are J.A.I., and I am the person involved in this story. I just want to express my gratitude to all of you for your contributions and the time you've spent discussing this issue.
First, I want to reiterate that I have asked for counseling multiple times, even offering to pay for it and giving her the option to choose any counselor she prefers. I have also suggested that she report me to any third party she feels comfortable with. All I want is for someone to listen to both of us. Unfortunately, all these efforts have failed. I mention this because some comments have suggested counseling as a solution.
Others have suggested that I should look inward or check myself. However, I clearly wrote that she demonstrates the same attitude towards everyone, including her family members and our children. Should everyone look inward? I find it interesting that some people raise concerns about finances. Before moving overseas, we were in Nigeria, and after two years into our marriage, she started talking about leaving the country. I had a good job and tried to convince her that it wasn't reasonable, but this led to one problem after another. By God's grace, I managed to move our family overseas, with her mother, who has since returned home, helping us care for our two children. Despite all this, I still manage most things at home.
I want to emphasize that I don't disturb her. When I faced problems with my business and lost my immigration papers, I was on the verge of being deported. She saved a lot of money from government support and work. She was able to save this much because I cover all the expenses at home and have never asked her for a dollar. At the same time, she was building a house in Lagos. I begged her to pause the construction so we could use the funds to resolve my immigration situation, but she was furious and called me many names, from selfish to others. It eventually took me three years to fix the issue.
Regarding the psychiatry concerns some have raised, she knows how to put on a good show when people are around. I remember when her aunt’s friend from Australia came to visit. For those four weeks, it was as if she was a completely different person—calling me darling and interacting wonderfully with the kids. One of our children, who was around 7 at the time, asked me why mummy had changed. Sadly, she reverted to her previous behaviour the moment the lady left. In fact, from the airport, she began issuing harsh instructions.
Again, there is her pastor she calls everyday, and when ever she is on phone with him, she is very cordial, she does not insult anyone of she talks to us calmly, but immediately she hangs up, booom. so she clearly knows what she is doing. Her mum has even said this.
My kids even asked me days ago, "How did I end up with a woman like our mother?"
Hmmm, so you people live in a Country that uses Dollar....Maybe she is no longer interested in the Marriage, I could have said she is bipolar but she actions seem calculated.......I pity you and what you and the kids are going through
See if you can separate for your own peace of mind and that of the children. She clearly knows what she's doing.
ReplyDeleteOne question please, is your umbilical cord tied to hers? Why not go your separate ways since she is obviously trying to make you run mad.
DeleteHelp yourself and the kids. I am not an advocate for divorce but this will harm the kids more than you think. I feel so sad for you because you're very nice to have put up with her this long, many men can't stand such women. Bros, please take care of yourself first and your kids and forget about this wife of yours.
Oga your wife is a selfish, spoilt brat. You have spoilt her. I know you love her but please if you can, throwaway face. Pause trying before you kee yourself. I feel like flogging her. Imagine not helping you during the immigration crisis? She no well.
DeleteI can now understand the situation.
ReplyDeletePoster, all I can say is The Lord is your strength.
She knows what she is up to. I hope she will be happy at the end
People wey dey abroad o
DeleteTruly life no balance
I feel she is no longer interested in the marriage, but doesn't know how to say it. She's doing all of this to push you to file for a divorce, so that tomorrow she can say you broke up your marriage.
ReplyDeleteChai Poster your situation reminds me of James Ingram's evergreen song - I did my best....
ReplyDeletePoster Happy New Year now it's time for you to make that decision for you and the sake of your children....There is an internal & external influence driving her behaviour....A separation is what you need...
All the best
Separate from her for a while, if it doesn't work out, you know what to do?
ReplyDeleteYou and the kids don't deserve this.
Dante said it on that post that she's probably knacking her pastor. Wow. That guy
ReplyDeleteI thought of this too, but she might be in love with the pastor and seeing you as a hindrance to her happiness. Let her go and enjoy your life. If you let high blood pressure kpai you because of love, she will end up under another man in few hours. Love yourself first.
DeleteWow, so many more details. Was this a love marriage or an arranged thing? Cause adding everything together does not feel like love was part of this. Maybe your success as a businessman was what pulled her in. And that she would not budge in helping you with your immigration problems is telling. One more thing, could she be punishing you, holding on to some long time grievance? Did you ever cheat on her?
ReplyDeleteI don’t know how old the children are now but I commend you for being there and not leaving them at the mercy of your wife. Having one good parent is probably all the good that they will remember from their childhood.
You will have to sit and figure out how much more you can take. You can try having an intervention involving family members but there has to be a strong person to keep things in check and this person would have to be 100% unbiased. An intervention may shake her up, but they could also open a Pandora’s box. You could also use prayers, asking for divine intervention in helping to build a new spirit in her. Otherwise, if she remains unchanged and unwilling to mend her ways, then separation or divorce will bring the only lasting peace. Try to setup an online business or set something back up in Nigeria or wherever you feel comfortable. I have a feeling that if a divorce comes up she will fight dirty, like real dirty. Start securing something for yourself financially if you intend on walking away from the marriage.
Poster start gathering evidence of her not being fit to raise the kids. If you separate or divorce, take the kids.
DeleteDear poster, sorry about your situation.
ReplyDeletePls have a discussion with your wife after you find another place to stay. Talk to your children and tell them you are leaving, give them the choice of choosing who they will rather be with. You or your wife. So it won't look like you manipulated them. Take them and move on. Or separate for a while. If she so desires.
There is no marriage in heaven, and marriage here on earth is not by force. You have the right to be happy
And so do your children.
It's a new year. How will you like it to be?
Poster your wife has a terrible character and sorry there is nothing you can do. If you divorce her it will tell on your kids and imagine your kids living with only her. I guess this didn't start now, it has been all there but I am suprised you don't know how to treat people of this kind. She knows exactly what she is doing.
ReplyDeleteMy wife of less than 3 years is the same. We already had a big fight on this but I learnt what now works for my peace of mind. IGNORE!!! I don't care if she cooks or not, if she doesn't I cook, if she doesn't clean, I clean without saying pim. I provide 100% finance for the family even though I know she has a lot but has refused to support. I want intimacy she refuses, I enter bathroom and masturbate, that is it. We only have intimacy when she wants only like 3 or 4 consecutive days in a month, i guess her ovulation.
What I observed is that I now have more peace, as her behavior doesn't bother me at all and she also started improving a bit on her behaviour and does things she should do but majority of the time, she is forming moody or angry, but she becomes all lively immediately she is on the phone with her mother.
You are also lucky her mother is helpful, initially I was complaining to my mother-in-law but during the last big fight involving families from both sides, it was clear that both mother and daughter are in it together, who only pretends while encouraging her daughter behind.
Ehmmmmm, Why are you still there!???
DeleteY’all will teach your kids to endure horrible
DeleteWhy will he kids suffer???. Why ant he TAKE ThEM
DeleteContinue suffering in the name of marriage. If you kpai one day, that is the end.
DeleteIt is unfortunate that there a lot of people like this. They don't contribute and are not willing to contribute to their family even with children involved. They are manipulators and narcissist. They can't love or receive genuine love. In any relationship, please make sure nothing is one-sided.
DeleteFor Your Mental Health
ReplyDeleteSeparation would be better..
Make you self get Yourself..
Pele Poster it is well ooo..
Hello iya Boys
some women don't get married because of love. Some of them want to get married early and have kids. All they want to hear from men at that moment is I want to marry you '.
ReplyDeletePoster you sound like a cool guy. Only an understanding man can endure such attitude like you have done.
Start giving her space,with time she will realize that you are no longer feel bothered.
Poster am available. We can mingle. my ex husband and your wife behave alike.
ReplyDeleteWhen a victim mingles with another victim. Seeking for rebound? Send your divorce chronicle let's help you heal.
DeleteYou are the one that knows why you are still in the marriage because people have divorced for less. That thing you described doesn’t seem like a marriage at all
ReplyDeleteStockholm Syndrome
DeleteBecause the society where he lives the woman will hang him dry and take most of his possessions that's why the man is still managing the situation. But to be honest the woman has checked out of the relationship and is obviously sleeping with another man. But if care is not taking you may end up losing your life in this relationship.
DeleteI am in the same situation as the poster but it's the man that is doing this!
ReplyDeleteLucky me! We are in a distance married.
He spends barely three weeks anytime he comes back and I have so trained the kids on how to follow him till he leaves.
And he doesn't provide either.
I don't have strength to type.
Poster I can understand your situation.
The Lord is your strength oh
Pls consider the anonymous 16:14 advice. It's very important
ReplyDeleteYour wife has a god complex mixed with sadistic tendencies. She likes the fact that everyone around her fear her and respect her. I worked for someone like her two years ago and it was a hellish experience. Her husband and kids were terrified of her.
ReplyDeleteYour wife is a small witch. File for a divorce and free yourself from this bondage. How did you endure this bullshit for 10 years? Wake up, brother man.
Stockholm Syndrome
DeleteShe is bipolar they switch mood easily. It is not calculated I promise you.
ReplyDeleteShe fell out of love. Win her back by going to live alone. Go rent a small flat and tale the.kids weekends. Nobody sew your umbilical cords together abeg. If she misses you she will ask for you back otherwise move on
ReplyDeletePoster,if it's possible share the link of this chronicle to her so that she can send her side of the story.Also put her in your prayers,she will change,I hope you didn't maltreat when you guys were in Naija.
ReplyDeleteChiloving
Send her side of the story because? Ka gini mezie?
DeleteShe is not bipolar. She is a narcissist. She knows exactly what she is doing to a large extent. It’s completely draining dealing with them. I urge you to do a bit of in depth reading about narcissists. Forget the fact that the word has now become a cliché word used to describe people who behave badly. It’s actually a real condition. I read your first post, and it was as if you were talking about my husband. The behaviors are the same to the T. Check out mentalhealness on instagram and see if all he says resonates.
ReplyDeleteTry to understand the disorder first. They say it cannot be healed, but that is for man, with God all things are possible. You can’t try in your own strength anymore. You need to do what the mental health experts advice to keep your own sanity when dealing with narcissists, and then you need to fully and totally give it all to God. Your strength will fail you! Just keep praying and waiting on the Lord to renew your strength. In my case, I had to walk away. I decided it was better to pray from afar because I needed to preserve my sanity. I didn’t even know what exactly I was dealing with until I left.
As a final advice, please see a therapist of some sort. The years of dealing with narcissists messes one up. Please see someone. A good therapist will also help you dig into why you fell into her hands. They pick their prey, and there’s always a reason, mainly because their prey are unable to hold their boundaries and let people walk all over them. You need to deal with that first and build your own self up too, otherwise you’ll keep going round in circles.
I wish you all the best and I pray the Lord strengthens you.
"They pick their prey" - This is the truth. They want an everlasting punching bag.
DeleteUnfortunately I think she doesn’t like you Period
ReplyDeleteOther possible thing is she thinks she’s holding on to her marriage by being strong
If you want to test my second theory, sit her down and say you guys should start working towards divorce. See if she’ll agree
Pele dear. But e get something wey you do wey you refuse to reveal. It hurt her so deeply. You can't beat a child and tell it how to cry. Until you resolve that matter nothing will work.
ReplyDeleteEven to her children?
DeleteWhat could he have done to her, to have her extend that attitude to her children?
Poster, just divorce her for your peace of mind and that of your children. I am sure she would even allow the children go with you cos obviously she does not care about them or you.
ReplyDeletePoster I think you should gather enough evidence before initiating a divorce.
ReplyDeleteIf you file for divorce I bet you she'll fight real dirty.
I think your wife is bored and tired of the marriage. You need to ask for a separation and see if that resets her brain but bear in mind it may lead to a divorce cos you clearly love your wife. Ensure you have all your legal rights in place and ask for full custody to the kids and if you are unable to manage having them full time with work, consider your finances and if you can afford an au pair or registered nanny to help with the kids, school etc. It's a lot to take in but you need to come to a place where you will realise that your wife doesn't love you anymore and has checked out of the marriage. As a start, consult a divorce/family lawyer. She doesn't know what she's has until it's gone. I wish you best of luck. Pumpkin
ReplyDeleteOmoh this is a lot. Poster may God guide your next line of action
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeletePlease leave for the sake of your children. Their childhood shouldn't be marred by this insanity of a mother, pardon my language.
If it possible, you can relocate back to Nigeria where you can have support from families and friends.
You seem like a genuine and good hearted guy. In all of your story, you never mentioned trying to seek happiness outside like most men would have done.
I wish you the best and i pray life becomes better for you.
Is it possible she never wanted marriage talk less of children?
ReplyDeleteWhat was her attitude during courtship/dating?
I remember the story of a lady that trended on Twitter few years ago, she got married bcos she loved the guy, despite knowing marriage is something she never wanted for herself, she had to leave few years into the marriage, even leaving her daughter too.
You sound so gentle. I wonder why good people end up with horrible people. I wish you all the best
ReplyDeletePredators select their prey
DeletePredators select their prey
Delete