STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
BROKEN ENGAGEMENT DUE TO FINANCES
Hello Stella,
Thank you for the great work that you do with your blog.
I'm a 29-year-old woman living in Canada, and I’ve been dating a long-time friend from Ghana. After four months of dating, he proposed, and we started planning our wedding.
We discussed finances, and he proposed I contribute 30% of our household expenses, despite his $26,000 debt plus his intended mortgage loans in which my name will not be added to the mortgage . I disagreed, wanting a more flexible approach where I wouldn’t be locked into a set percentage but could still contribute fairly.
I’ve already paid for various things in our relationship, like flights, trips, and shared expenses, without asking for equal contributions. His stance on finances felt rigid, and when I pushed back, he ended the relationship.
I feel hurt because, if the roles were reversed, I would have tried to negotiate rather than break up. Now, I’m asking for advice from others on how they manage household finances with their partners.
Hello Stella,
Thank you for the great work that you do with your blog.
I'm a 29-year-old woman living in Canada, and I’ve been dating a long-time friend from Ghana. After four months of dating, he proposed, and we started planning our wedding.
My only request was that we travel to Nigeria to ask for my dad’s blessing, but he pushed back, citing financial reasons and suggesting we could just have a white wedding in June in Canada and my parents were welcome to attend.
We discussed finances, and he proposed I contribute 30% of our household expenses, despite his $26,000 debt plus his intended mortgage loans in which my name will not be added to the mortgage . I disagreed, wanting a more flexible approach where I wouldn’t be locked into a set percentage but could still contribute fairly.
I’ve already paid for various things in our relationship, like flights, trips, and shared expenses, without asking for equal contributions. His stance on finances felt rigid, and when I pushed back, he ended the relationship.
I feel hurt because, if the roles were reversed, I would have tried to negotiate rather than break up. Now, I’m asking for advice from others on how they manage household finances with their partners.
Thank you for your contributions
PRAISE GOD that he broke up with you otherwise only God knows what was loading for you....
How can you marry a man who cannot go and ask for your hand in Marriage and wants to invite your parents like guests??????? what an insult!
And about the shared expenses, he sounded like a dictator and will probably increase yours with time and insist.......
This man would have married you and ended it with any slight misunderstanding...Please let him go!
About shared expenses, we dont do that in my home.....I use my own money to buy what needs to be bought and my hubby always refunds without me asking... .no rules or regulations and i try to do right ...Not all may be lucky like me but its not a quarrel matter but one that the couples sit down to see how it would be beneficial to both...
Please let that man go, he had ulterior motive.
Poster you dogged a bullet. Just 3 months relationship not marriage and you were already having financial issues. Let him go and sort himself out . A man that is not bold to meet your parents is not worth the pains. The foundation matters.
ReplyDeleteWhat is paining me is that after collecting all these advises the poster will go behind and beg the brother gigolo and they will do their wedding behind our back. This guy was not just a red flag, but a red signboard. Dear poster you dodged the biggest bullet and you should be celebrating with tubers if yam and handkerchief to dance with. This kind husband fit kpai wife just cos of inheritance. If you like go back to him you hear fine girl. Se you see jilting
DeleteAnon 15: 30, chop knuckle. If she like, make she go back. Wet in concern us.
DeleteHmmmmm how much of in a desperate situation are you that you are getting married after 3 months of virtual dating? Some Women shaaaaaa!!!!!! Wow!!!!!!!
DeleteSorry to read about the difficulties in your relationship, it's not easy to manage disappointment especially when you're already planning a future with this your long time friend.
DeleteWe only know people in stages and then make up our minds if the friendship continues.
Money: your friend expects his future wife to contribute significantly to the home running (financially amongst other contributions). Considering his huge debt, it's a reasonable expectation. You have to ask yourself if you can manage like that.
2. Mortgage plans: shows that he's future planning, risk taker and has a good credit score. Not having your name on the mortgage is a positive thing for you (you can get your own mortgage without bad credit score attached).
However, it made you feel insecure.. discuss your fears. I don't know about Canada marriage laws but in the US the wife is entitled to alimony/property in the event of divorce (I don't see it as a problem therefore).
3. Paternal blessing: your cultures are different, I don't know if Ghanaians place much premium on fathers blessings. People who have lived long time in the west generally speaking, don't see much value in seeking parental consent. Can you live with this value because when you marry him, he might never bother to visit your folks.
4. Pressure: I get the feeling that he's under pressure, from the debt to mortgage, now you are adding a trip to Nigeria to visit people he doesn't know nor care about (which will set him back financially), then some subtle pressure of providing for the new home. It makes perfect sense to quit the relationship since it's creating more problems. The stage where he is financially, he doesn't need much argument about money because he'll be sensitive and perceive you as a complication. How does his marrying you favour him, what does he actually gains from marrying you this year rather than 2026 when he may have been a bit more stable?
It's easier to think that you dodged a bullet than to critically analyse your different views on money, marriage, role of parents/extended families and even child rearing practice on this your planned union.
Wishing you godspeed as you reflect.
PCX
Poster, thank God revealing his true nature before marriage. Please be patience, a good man will come.
ReplyDeleteMadam Stella has said it all. That man never meant well for you, Movie on please.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, Negotiate wetin? Thank God for saving you....Hearing about all those loans plus not honouring your parents with your marriage plans you no fear?....Are you for real? I thank God you dodge a bullet.....Please you are the prize, don't just accept anything thrown at you because you want to answer Mrs....
ReplyDeleteHe has shown you his true nature....I know it hurts; however let him go please....
When you meet the right man; it won't be how much percentage is dictate between you guys...There will be a mutual understanding and agreement on what you should cover....
Dry your eyes na fine girl you be with plenty spec...
All the best
Broken engagement sounds better than a broken marriage even though both of them are not do or die affair
ReplyDeleteMy dear,
ReplyDeleteYou sound so reasonable in your narrative and if this is exactly how it played out, then it's his lost. Don't ever contemplate going back. Very good a thing he showed you who he is earlier enough. Pls believe him. That marriage wouldn't have lasted any longer even before it starts.
Just like I would and often say here, you don't need option to quit a relationship most especially when the red flags are glaring. You quit and stay single.
Again, let me say this to both men and women here going into relationship with marriage in sight. Pls guys, look at on value oriented individuals if you want something lasting. Low standards make average look extraordinary. Raise your expectations, and you’ll see the difference between value and convenience.
Why would he even snubbed your parents (family) in the first place? That's absolute rudeness and enough for you to call it off.
I wish you a more better and deserving man.
© TEEJAY
that part that refused to come see your dad for blessings is a no no for me. i understand that things are expensive but coming to see your dad was very vital. You both would have traveled down here and see your dad, from there you do your traditional marriage and travel back to do the white without stressing your dad to come over.
ReplyDeleteHe could be hiding something from you but want to use this one as an excuse to end the relationship so that you will not find out what he has been hiding. I feel giving the woman percentage to contribute to the home is not really nice, why don't you have a discussion with your woman to make her contribution in the home as the spirit lead. Why form a fight or end a relationship cos she didn't agree to your demand? You can ;love a more and she will make more than that percentage contribution willingly without any fight or argument. Just know your math and how to approach matters like this.
Thank goodness he left already, just be patient cos someone better is coming your way soon. You will meet someone who will tick all your boxes without asking for any contribution. Cheer and stay strong.
The major red flag was her not being included in the mortgage. Immediately he said that you should have ended it yourself.
DeleteThe red flags is 📢. My dear God will favour you with a good husband soon, not that manipulator of a man.
ReplyDeletePoster, if cost was truly the only issue and we know that the cost of travel to Africa can be significant from this part of the world, especially now when it seems like airfares have skyrocketed, he could have still asked through Zoom or Skype. He did not make any attempts to follow traditions, and he knows that these are longstanding traditions.
ReplyDeleteThe issue of his debt is concerning. In truth a 30% contribution is not high, but it also depends on how it would be done. The mortgage payments would be the highest monthly cost. Let’s say between you both there are 7 bills coming in monthly, he could have assigned the mortgage payments to you and something else, technically that could be would be 30% of the bills, but in weight you would have been paying for 85-90%. The carriage of the 30% was not clearly established.
He broke up so that tells me he felt no bond to you but likely saw you as a help meet, to help meet his needs that would benefit him. I also feel that you did not know each other long enough and understand each other ways. When marriages come out of only the practical with not real emotional connection between both parties they can blow in and blow out just like this did. You really only knew him for 4 months🤷🏽♀️
If there was anything COVID taught me, is that cultural practices can be adjusted based on circumstances. Marriages and burial ceremonies held on zoom, people found new ways of involving their loved ones despite the distance.
DeleteMortgage is usually a significant bill and since it's taken in his name he would/must have to pay. My guess is that he saw OP as a partner so expect her to contribute almost equally to the union(it's common practice abroad). If they are in the same page on issues like this it was good he called it off before children were involved.
PCX
Poster you dodged a bullet. Big red flag. From all what you have narrated, don't ever contemplate going back to him if he comes back.
ReplyDeleteHe will not make a good husband or father. He will leave most responsibilities for you.
A man must be a man .
May God bring your own man
Only on finances a man is expected to be a man.
DeleteI nearly said yimmu. But I did not. Instead, I imitated Stella's hehehehehehe.
Ah Stella, I join you say Praise the Lord on poster's behalf.
ReplyDeletePoster!! Listen you are just 29 years, you have your whole life ahead of you. Take it from a woman in her 40s; that man is not your husband. He doesn't even love you. You should thank God he broke things off and give yourself time to heal. Love will find you.
You should be thankful.
ReplyDeletePoster just move on ok, not been included in the mortgage is a major red flag.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't even regard your parents also. Nawa
When I read stories like this, I thank God for the kind of husband/best friend I’m blessed me with.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has never asked me to drop one naira in our 8yrs of marriage. I remember our first year of marriage, my mother inlaw came visiting and that period there was no light. I gave the gate man money to go buy fuel because my husband forgot to drop money.
When he got back home from work, he was very upset. I was confused cos I thought I was trying to help o. Oga said I shouldn’t do his responsibilities for him 😂. My mother in-law was just laughing 🤣. I just buy whatever I feel like buying for the house and my kids.
I book spa sessions mani- pedi and home service hair cuts just to appreciate him.
Poster run!
Not asking you to contribute is not the blue print. I’m just writing it here for other ladies intending to get married. Times are hard, contribute if need be. Except you’re asked not to
DeleteSome men are like that. They see women paying for things as emasculating. If a woman tries that on a date or in a shop it could end a relationship or stall a date from progressing to more. Their image is everything and they do not want anyone to believe a woman is carrying them. My stepdad is kinda like that. But he’s in his 70s and from a different generation.
DeleteOnly few men have the kind of money your husband have in Nigeria. Wives are expected to help their husbands here if you want them to live longer.
DeletePls, living in Nigeria is not same as living abroad. In Nigeria, a man can afford to bear 90%/100% of the family expenses. But it is not same abroad. It is same mentality that Nig girls come with to the West, get married to foreigners and expect same treatment. But within a shortwhile, their marriages break down. Which foreigner will pick 100% of the home bills - dey play! Bills and responsibilities (cleaning, cooking, etc) are shared here. Nig girls, make una remove that entitlement mentality for una head as una dey head to US/Canada/Europe, if una want a happy and sustainable marriage.
DeleteThank you @17:19 and 21:53
DeleteIt is actually wickedness for an income earning (especially good income earning) woman to expect her husband to bear ALL expenses in marriage.
@20:19
When such men relocate out of their comfort zone/countries, problem usually crops in for them.
Some men also do it because of traditional beliefs. Among some tribes, a man must not eat any food prepared by his wife which he did not give money for without first asking the source of the money for the food. To avoid plenty questions everyday, it is better to provide the money always. There are two reasons for the custom. One, to teach the man financial obligation and responsibility. Two, to prevent a wife from feeding her husband with money from extra marital relationships because such food quickly kills the man.
As it is with food so it is with all other money worth or purchased items.
Where the man eats after asking and he is lied to, the woman or her children bears the fatal penalty if the money was from extra marital relationships.
Is Written All Over Him nah
ReplyDeleteThat he has interior Motives
This kind person might even tell you to pay your own bride price , he never do that one o, he jump go white wedding hmmmmmmm kilode something is not right..
Abeg make he go Far Far Far Away...
Be grateful oh Jareee
Hello iya Boys
Nne, it is ‘ulterior motives’
DeleteIn some cases, white wedding is less expensive..a gown, suit and very few friends in Canada. You don't need to feed anyone, can be done during the week sef.
DeleteI can’t even relate.
ReplyDeleteMy husband pays the bills even though we both work.
I buy things for house whenever I like.
God bless my King ❤️
And if the need arises, I’ll 💯 step in because he deserves it and more.
My dear that is the way it should be ,especially for those of us born in the 80’s.. I ran away from so many guys that asked or implied that I should contribute. I never grew up that way. I grew up knowing that I could contribute on my own terms but the man was the provider. I already know as a woman I should use my discretion and wisdom to manage and build my home. And so I waited for the right man, God answered my prayers.
DeleteThat man wasn't ready to be married, nor was he even enthusiastic about being married to you to start with. He merely entertained the idea of being your husband, seeing as you appeared to be financially sufficient, and he viewed that as a potential safety net. So don't be surprised he has moved on, seeing that the only thing that initially attracted you to him has now become unattainable.
ReplyDeleteAlright, he has got debts and mortgage loans he hasn't even paid off, and he desperately feels he needs to gather all the scraps he can find, but at the expense of doing right by you and meeting your parents?! It's quite astonishing! He truly has no limits, and that should have been your cue to break up the relationship. His penny-pinching ways have reached an unprecedented level.
Yes, he broke up with you because you stuck around for him to be the one to break up with you. You see... that's how the cookie crumbles. When you drag your feet in breaking up with someone you ought to, they end up being the one to pull the rug out from under your feet.
He envisioned that marrying you would provide a lifeline to ease his financial struggles and restore his financial standing, but the stark reality he faced was overwhelming. So what were you expecting him to wait around for? Beyond his financial limitations, it’s also painfully clear that he lacks genuine respect for you. While I cannot entirely blame him, you seemed to me as someone who has allowed so much— I mean, beyond just financial matters—your newfound desire to assert yourself has come too late, unfortunately.
When he informed you that he would not be traveling to Nigeria to meet your parents, that should have been your signal to end the relationship. Yet, you persisted, and inevitably, the lack of respect extended to your parents as well. How could he possibly find the notion of meeting his future in-laws only on the day of the wedding appealing? Ultimately, it's good riddance; you should feel relieved.
Moving on, I would advise against using the financial practices of other married couples as a template for your own household. Focus on what genuinely resonates with you and trust your instincts without second-guessing yourself.
Poster run without turning back
ReplyDeleteThat man doesn't love you oh. Please leave him and face front your own will come. Come and marry my younger brother if you are finding it difficult to date Nigerians there. Just kidding 😂
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story, and I appreciate the honesty it takes to open up like this. I know a majority of the people would say you dodged a bullet, but I think you are the one armed with the gun to shoot down this UFO.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, proposing after just four months of dating does feel rushed. It takes time to truly know someone—their character, values, how they handle challenges or even their financial habits. A solid foundation isn’t built overnight, and while rushing works for some, for most it often leads to cracks down the line. These are the hard conversations we all need to have early on, alongside setting boundaries before committing to a relationship.
Your request to travel to Nigeria to honour your dad and your culture was entirely reasonable. Expectedly, it is a standard practice within our culture. It’s not just about tradition; it’s about respect for who you are, where you come from, and the family you were raised from. The fact that he dismissed it so quickly, citing financial reasons, says a lot. Marriage is about compromise, adjustments, adaptations to needful realities and finding ways to honour what’s important to each other. If he wasn’t willing to make the effort here, what would have happened down the line with other things you value?
When it comes to the financial conversation, his approach felt rigid and one-sided. I have no issue whatsoever with shared responsibilities; it comes with the times we are in. My problem is making it definitive. I very much support my home by contributing to the home-keeping. After all, we are both earning - why watch your ship sink because the delightfully responsible Captain seemingly needs help navigating its waters from the storms, when you can equitably sail the ship? We need not wait for that to happen before realising our roles as a dual support system. But suggesting you pay 30% of household expenses while being excluded from the mortgage is a concerning dynamic. It puts you in a position where you’re contributing but without a stake in the bigger picture - a position your efforts should earn by being a partaker. On top of that, you’ve already been generous - covering flights, trips, and shared expenses without asking for equal contributions. His unwillingness to find a more flexible arrangement suggests a lack of fairness or an overly controlling and manipulative attitude about financial responsibilities.
When he ended things because you challenged him, it became clear he wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment he was proposing. A healthy relationship comes with accountability which thrives on communication, oneness and mutual respect on all fronts. If walking away was his first instinct, it shows he will not put in the work that comes with the longevity of marriage. He seemed like an aeroplane that would skip taxing before the flight and skip its runway before landing - such an accidental disaster in the waiting.
I know this hurts - it always does when you’ve invested your time and emotions. But honestly, this could be a blessing in disguise. It’s better to see someone’s true colours now than after making a deeper commitment. You deserve a partner who values you, respects your culture, and matches your effort. Genuine love is about more than just the two of you - it’s about how you connect with each other’s world understandably, with deep compassionate reciprocity.
This isn’t a failure; it’s a lesson. Keep moving forward with your head high. You have so much to offer, and you’re going to find someone who sees your worth and is willing to invest in building a life together, not just for themselves. You unveiled this mask before he regales you with his masquerade dance steps.
Forget the fool and move on.
ReplyDeleteThat is not a man in love. Don’t feel bad. Good riddance. Yours will find you. I was also involved with one I almost married who had so many uncompromising rules about many things especially finances. Please let him go. You are 29 and you are not desperate enough to be treated as if you are begging. Imagine someone neck deep in debt considering himself a price. Mtcheeeeeew…
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,self first is not selfishness,if he wants you to contribute 30 percent when married how much has he contributed to your life during courtship,kindness begat kindness,you don't except me to donate my kidney for you when you can't even donate your heart first for me.
ReplyDeleteIf things are as you narrated, then be grateful that things ended quickly.
ReplyDeleteCount your losses and pray for someone better.
Poster,just thank God for saving you,that guy never loved you,what is marriage without the blessings of your parents? Just move on my dear.
ReplyDeleteYou dodged a bullet sis. I'm so happy for you
ReplyDeleteOn second read, I'm tempted to think his attraction towards you was because you seemed self sufficient. You paid for trips and didn't make financial requests so everything was fine. Seems like you really didn't know him well in the areas that mattered most-money, family, handling marital conflicts.
ReplyDeleteWondering if there was truly a mortgage considering that he is 26k bad credit, if any bank were to loan him the money the interest rate will definitely be higher.
Tempting as it were to try and patch things up, his calling off things instead of talking doesn't show emotional maturity (communication is the bedrock of relationships).
Be careful if you do go back, don't be in a hurry to get married..be sure he doesn't belong to the group of guys who only want baby mama and not wife(they specialise in luring girls to live with them but will never marry for fear of alimony). Is he working?,does he do things to show he values you?
PCX
“Now, I’m asking for advice from others on how they manage household finances with their partners. Thank you for your contributions”
ReplyDeleteSummary: Be you. Do you. Do what you can bear and carry with joy in marriage.
There is No manual on how to succeed in marriage because it involves another person. That is why people court to find partners compatible with them, who share the same values with them and who have value they can contribute to their lives.
Some men carry 100% of family finances and burden. Some share at different percentage with their wives/partners. Some do not even contribute at all or contribute anything significant. Some women stay with men who do not contribute or do negligibly happily because of benefits in the marriage for them, some women stay grudgingly because of other reasons.
If you must follow other couples guides, please leave out advice from the home countries. The conditions and factors couples consider in their home countries are different from those in the countries of “economic residence”. You already know that. Most of us who will tell you “my husband do this or do all”; “I only buy candies or a pack of panty liners once in three years” will have a different story if they relocate to your country of residence today. You know that a wife’s financial contribution to marriages on that side of the world, especially for economic immigrants with home based tax is necessary. And your approach of clear negotiation is better.
Some relevant questions to ask yourself are: How many men in your preferred marriage pool can afford to work with your plans and expectations. Are you ready to marry a non-African? How do citizens with all their benefits arrange their marital finances? How do other African economic immigrants arrange their marital finances?
And congratulations on a successful courtship with the Ghanaian man. Very successful courtship no matter your pains because he showed you both are not compatible on financial matters which obviously is very important to you both.
Finance is apparently more important to you than the need for your man to see your family before marriage because you would have gone on if the finances were okay with you. So, please keep your eyes on it in your next quest for marriage.