ABOUT TO TAKE A WALK FROM HUSBAND
I need advice from women who took a walk from their marriage for their sanity. How did you cope with the fear of the unknown?.
I know deep down, i am about to make the right decision but i am just scared of the unknown.I work online and take 70% of the responsibilities. I pay half of the school fees, half of house rent. Husband drinks, cheats and plays betting.
Most weekends, he is out with friends.
I have been told to endure all these years and pray that it will get better. Truth is... Its getting worse and I am becoming a mad woman. I am going insane.
Now everybody is tagging me a nagging woman. I really need a fresh start with my kids.
How do I overcome this fear? And i need tips for moving on faster because i lost at the end of the day. I sacrificed a lot for love. I am just happy i didn't take loans for him when he was begging me to do so....
I dont know what advice to give you about taking a walk but i want you to know that you did not lose, you WON......You won and that is why you know when to walk, you won because you have kids..you won!...Be sure to plan well before you take that walk, especially if he is the Violent type.
Stay strong
ReplyDeleteIt is well with you
You are doing well already, just physical separation with small adjustments you will be fine, your mental health is paramount then the children wellbeing which can be excellent when you are in safe mode,
DeleteDear Gentle Poster It is normal to feel this way but at the end do it afraid....You are stepping into something unfamiliar but hey you need to be strategic and plan very well...
ReplyDeletePlease don't avoid your emotion, acknowledge them and respond accordingly....Rushing yourself to move on quickly will put you on anxiety mode and you don't need that at all...
Carpe Diem!! Seize the day....
Be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove....
All the best
There is time for everything maybe this is the best time to move on ,don't fear you will be fine
ReplyDeleteSending love and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve peace and happiness.
Poster ndo nne. Just breath first. Marriage is not easy,talk less with an unrepentant spouse. I would advise you to start with separation first but I don't know the ages of your kids,if they can cope without their dad,many men are lousy husband but wonderful to their kids,it's all mind games to becloud the little ones judgement. Go for sometime,especially this yuletide season,go to a beach,stay in an hotel and gather your thoughts together. The kids can stay with trusted relatives or you leave them,with their dad. Take care of yourself,people already calling you names,you're not.🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteThis situation require a divorce since he is doing all what God hates. This is the same situation with a friend who just died recently. The husband cheats to the extent that he stills her money and give to other women. How can a man steal up to 20k inside 200k she kept. Now she is late. Everyone is pointing accusing finger on the man that she killed her because the woman has property she bought in his name.. sponsored him to Bible school. They call him pastor. He even refuse to work. Someone who the wife just died on the 1st of this month has suddenly gone to work meaning he can't even mourn the woman that gave you 3 children. The bread winner of the family
ReplyDeletePlease pray to God seek counsel. He is the only counsellor at this time
All the best
Just take the 30% from him and make it 100% and face your front. You'll be fine he'll give you serious infection that has no cure. I was always treating infection then I took a walk and never looked back. Get a side bobo fast it's the quickest way that helped me heal fast. I started glowing like light bulb. Allow him access to the kids don't stop him .he may also use the kids as weapon don't backdown.
ReplyDeleteSee this one - you are same with your ex. You ran away from a cheat and started with a side bobo. You think the side boo is loyal to you alone and different from your ex? Dey fool and whine yourself😁
DeleteYou are already unhappy and acting mad. You may be unhappy for a wife if u leave but at least the acting mad should stop. You will be fine. A marriage where u are not happy is not a marriage worthy of being in. Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteEka 💯👌🏾
DeleteChai my dear it is well with you.
ReplyDeleteMay God come through for you, this one hard oo 🤔
Hmmmmmm God abeg o
DeleteThe Devil is targeting the head(man) to bring down marriages but they are always blind to it!
It is well..
ReplyDeleteMoving from his location and anyone who will judge you helps you heal faster..
Hi Poster, all I can say is that it gets easier with each passing day. I left earlier in August. My marriage had become hellish for me. My husband had always prioritized his friends and family over me through our marriage. After the children came, they came before me also. We hardly ever spoke or did anything together and everything I did was wrong. I could NEVER please him. i was a clean freak but he hated me cleaning because I did too much and would not let the nanny do it. I loved the children and handled EVERYTHING that concerned them except laundry but he would rage at me because I was too involved and too attached. It got worse because I began to feel like he hated me. Found out later that he had placed a tracker in my car and on my phone. He also tapped my calls and messages and had my "friends" report to him everything I chatted to them about. I tried leaving three good times over the years and only got the liver to do it now because he has made so much money now that he can afford to replace me.
ReplyDeleteWell... we've been apart now since August this year. He moved to his new house, a big four bedroom duplex and I stayed back in our rented apartment. I feel so depressed whever I go to see my kids at the new house. I have them during the school week but they spend the weekend with their father. The hardest thing for me is losing hope of ever having a truly beautiful, peaceful home with a loving man. I never had that. The second is watching my kids go back and forth feeling so bad for putting them through this. I KNOW that I can no longer live like I don't exist, walking over egg shells and glass each day so I don't set him off but I have lived like this fo so long I fear that I don't know what to do with myself.
These days, my time is devoted to my children, supporting them through the change and helping them through it. My youngest would cry and call on me sometimes at 10pm to come get him and I would race over to his Dad's and pick him up. Nowadays, I just stay with him, telling him stories and chatting with him until he falls asleep then I follow up with a call the following the day. My older kids manage just fine but prefer the luxuries in their Father's house. Restaurant rate meals made by a Chef, bedrooms that look like hotel rooms, big screen T.V.s... I used to wonder if I should just break and beg him so I stay with my kids but I no...
I can't go back to the silence; the lonliness; the way he treats me as though he did me a favour by marrying me; like i wasn't enough. I don't have all the answers but right now, I am sad and sometimes depressed. I feel like i am drowning but I am done asking why. Everyone's path is different and there is a reason why i married him and not someone who loved me. I have accepted that this is the hand I was dealt and I maybe facilitated but it is life.
The point is, choose your path and stick with it. It won't be easy but with time, you WILL find your footing. You sound incredibly resilient. I wish you all the best. May God be with you.
Just wanted to add that I dreamt of all of this happening. EVERYTHING down to his move to his new place...
It is well...
This got me a teary, the kids had to be shuffling and they seems to enjoy their dad's because of the luxuries and you all alone by yourself.
DeleteAll will be well sis🤗🤗🤗
This is quite touching. Children bear the weight of a couple's separation, separation can deeply affect them, shaping their emotions and perspectives on relationships.
DeleteHealing takes time, but proactive effort can lead to a brighter outlook and the ability to support children through tough times.
Please pull yourself together, avoid being lonely all the time, and engage in activities that will improve your attitude.
Poster and dear anon, I will put you both in my prayers.
DeleteThe Lord shall continue to strengthen you both, no one should be going through this much turmoil in the name of marriage, you deserve happiness in these your short lives.
I know it gets better with time, lean on strength from friends and family this trying time.
The joy of the Lord is your strength dear Anon.
DeleteDarling anonymous, it is well with you. I have a lot to say about your journey but I already tendered to the main poster. The society was scripted for masculinity. We are like pawn at their mercy. Reason why we should be conscious of raising godly sons (even though there will always be a Judas among any 12) and resourceful daughters who understand their need to be independent no matter how little. My prayers are with you.
DeleteI felt so bad reading this.
DeleteE hugs sis.
Please you need to mentally let go of him too.
And by this I mean, try not to visit there. He can always send his driver to pick and drop them.
Avoid going to the house completely.
As long as you still do the things you do right now, you will never truly move on.
You need to find a life of yours, outside your kids .
The older they grow, the more detached they will become, then you will be lonely and depressed.
Find YOU. find YOURSELF. Use this period as an opportunity to LIVE. Go back to school, learn a new skill, join social groups, visit friends and families more, etc.
Make deliberate effort to LIVE and trust me, your kids will be fine.
Wish I can reach you personally, so I can constantly give you a push to move on daily.
My darling, it's time to close this chapter and open your heart to loving , pricing , upgrading yourself and in doing these, true love will find you again. Don't give up.
A friend left her marriage in similar situation, with 3 kids. In her case, the kids responsibility were left for her. It was a struggle at the beginning.
Delete5 years down d line, a young, never married man, found her. Insisted on marrying her. Today they are married with a kid, plus her 3 kids and she's still in awe how this man is still all over her and cares for not just her but her kids too.
Never ever think life is over for you. Never ever settle that you can't have your dream life, home again. Never ever think you can't have true love again.
Never say NEVER.
As long as you are alive, there's hope. Keep your dreams alive. It will come to pass.
Stella if you post this maybe in ihn or stand alone, I think this lady will get some words of encouragement. She needs it
DeleteMy dear woman, you are indeed strong, a lot of women want to take a walk but them no get liver.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well and may the good Lord help you
My dear, when you got married it was a walk into the unknown. When you had children it was also a walk into the unknown. Life is all about courage and being willing to walk into the unknown.
ReplyDeleteGo with God and you will not have to worry. Bad behaviour should never be encouraged in anyone. So if you need to walk for your own sanity then do so. Your husband has decided to live with decorum or values if you did not sign up for that then take your walk.
Any new venture always brings fear, fear of the unknown. I would advise that you get a place and move out and separate for sometime and take care of yourself. Everything will work out sooner than you think, don’t go back to what makes you mad in the first place.
ReplyDeleteRemember to educate your children on why you’re moving out and if you eventually have a new man, respect your children and don’t bring him home so your ex don’t use the children as a weapon to destroy your new found love and your children’s trust for you.
It's good you know you are taking the right decision, do it for you and your children's happinesse.
ReplyDeleteGod is your strength 🙏
It's well with you, you deserve every happiness you are yearning for so go for it!
ReplyDeleteHe plays bet(bet9ja)..shit is addictive, I pray you find peace.
ReplyDeleteSee ehn, we all are going through so much in marriage. If your mind no carry am, no comot o. Make you no com turn side chick to married man later. You can still choose to be happy and peaceful in the midst of chaos.
ReplyDeleteWe all are not please.
DeleteAlso, a lot of women find themselves single (for whatever reason, be that divorce, death of a partner) and live clean afterwards, my mum is a good example. There are still good and morally upright people out there, don't be deceived by social media stories.
See ehn, we all are going through so much in marriage. If your mind no carry am, no comot o. Make you no com turn side chick to married man later. You can still choose to be happy and peaceful in the midst of chaos.
ReplyDeleteSpeak for urself. Which one is ‘we all are’?
DeleteI will advise separating temporarily to allows you to firstly regain your sanity, emotional strength and clarity, which is vital for making well-informed decisions.
ReplyDeleteEmotional distance can provide the space needed to evaluate the relationship without the immediate influence of ongoing conflict.
Observing your spouse's reactions during the separation period can reveal whether he will truly acknowledge his mistakes and is willing to change. Genuine remorse often leads to actionable efforts toward reconciliation.
Rushing into divorce can sometimes lead to regrets if there’s a possibility of reconciliation. This measured approach leaves room for reconciliation if the spouse demonstrates meaningful change.
If the environment is toxic for the children, consider removing them to ensure their emotional safety and stability while the situation is being assessed. Witnessing conflict can have lasting effects on their mental health.
Taking these step signals self-respect and sets boundaries, showing that harmful behavior will no longer be tolerated. This empowerment can lead to better outcomes, whether the relationship is mended or not.
Since you have made up your mind to leave, trust God for your supplies and support. He will never fail.
ReplyDeleteJust take one day at a time and in few months, you will be shocked at how far you have come and the miraculous supplies.
Trust God all d way. And walk by faith, not by sight.
It's well with you
It is well with you, May the Lord guide your path.
ReplyDeleteNever marry a gambler!
ReplyDeletePoster, I wish you luck in your decision making.
Poster, May God guide you through your decision.
ReplyDeleteGod has a plan for everyone.He has the power to change this situation and bring changes.you need to go to him in prayers and ask if it's his will for you to leave this marriage?I am not telling you not to but I want you to hear from God yourself, so you wouldn't make more mistakes and complicate the situation further.
ReplyDeleteRemember he's God, he has the power to change anything and anyone.Apostle paul,was an enemy of the gospel, but when God had his time,he became a changed man.
Don't leave, create your own happiness and let him go to therapy.
ReplyDeleteCan she make him go?
DeleteWill he go?
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteLet me commend you for your strength in recognizing and airing your situation. It is never easy to get to this point, but it is a major first step toward reclaiming your peace of mind and creating a better future for yourself and your children.
You've borne many responsibilities and made sacrifices, all for the well-being of your family. You are strong and resourceful. Your contributions are not minor, and you definitely shouldn't have to bear the weight of a marriage that just continuously drains you emotionally and mentally.
To situate it clearly, the fear of what's next can be paralyzing in times when one must cross into uncharted territory. But you need to dig deeper than you have to wear a more conscious garment of resilience. Swimming through this water wouldn’t come easy, yet it is something you are familiar with - even if it's not as exact. You have already coped with 70 per cent of the responsibilities. Imagine how much more energy and stability you could have if you channelled this effort into a tranquil life without constant stress.
To walk this path, you'll need to change your mindset. Because the "unknown" doesn't just hold challenges; it holds opportunities for growth, healing, and freedom. And you don't need to figure out everything right now. Focus on today, on that one decision, that one step, at a time. Left to me, I think that you have taken the heavier practical step to move forward, by that decision to leave. Although not yet concluded it is something you'd eventually have to choose because that's where it has to start from. But in choosing to walk this path, you should trek rather than run. Trekking means good financial planning. As you work online and already bear a considerable portion of house responsibility, if not done, then start saving secretly. Build an emergency fund to give yourself a cushion.
If you have a friend or a friend of a friend with a legal background to advise you accordingly through every decision and choice you'd have to make, that might be helpful too. You will also need to lean on trusted friends or family members who understood the peculiarities of your decision, for emotional and logistical support. You may also find support groups if you attend a good church which isn’t judgemental for single mothers or women leaving difficult marriages helpful. Make choices that fit into your budget. Immediately start cleaning out your existing space to prepare for a new beginning.
One thing you must do urgently is to allow your feelings. Grieve the sacrifices you made and what did not come out as you had hoped, if you must. And learn to accept before you can heal. By doing that you are taking care of yourself. This means mental, emotional, and physical health. And where you are consistent and intentional about it, it can serve as therapy of a sort. It's an approach that never fails and is very valuable in sorting through your emotions and redeveloping your self-esteem. That’s a good way to start healing and moving on.
Children are already impacted negatively. So your plan must accommodate this part of them. They are going to be your driving force and support in this new phase. Giving them a loving, stable atmosphere will reassure you that the decision you made was right. Allowing you to set new goals: where your interests and aspirations will either be rediscovered or reborn. Reclaim the dreams that you have put on hold. Because you are not alone. Remember that so many women have walked this path before and have grown stronger for it. That's why I like that you are seeking out their insights here for inspiration. The experiences of fellow BVs can provide practical tips and emotional reassurance that a better future is possible.
You've shown courage to contemplate this step. Continue drawing on that strength as you go forward into the next stage of your journey. You deserve peace, respect, and happiness for yourself and also for your children. I wish you well.
What is the unknown fear? Do you still have doubts of wether to stay or breakup? Why should you doubt this decision? Please seperate for your mental and emotional health sake so you will not kpai before your time. Thank God finance is not a challenge for you.
ReplyDeleteEvery marriage has its challenges, and taking time to reflect can help in difficult situations. Consider going on a solo vacation for a month to reflect and seek clarity. Use the time to pray, engage in fun and energizing activities, and assess your marriage—what worked and what didn’t. Seek God’s guidance, define the peace you desire, and follow His direction.
ReplyDeleteMy story
I was enduring an abusive 7-year marriage. Despite my sacrifices, I faced constant mistreatment both from my then ex husband and in-laws. After praying for guidance, my ex husband forced me out of our home. Left with little, I moved to Abuja, started over, and gradually built my life. My travel agency business thrived beyond my imagination, and I achieved financial independence, including building a house. Despite my focus on personal growth, I struggled with accepting a failed marriage, so every single day for over a year, I was sending text message to my husband to reconsider us coming together to try again. I declined every opportunity to date anyone, I just focussed on building my business.
Eventually, my ex husband remarried, to say I was devastated was an understatement, but I found peace through prayer. Four months later, a man entered my life through business dealings. Without dating or courtship, he proposed, valuing my grace and godliness. We married and built a happy 14-year marriage, while my ex has endured multiple failed marriages (4 altogether after we parted ways).
Therefore @poster, I will advise you take a step back do some self-reflection, and prayer before moving forward. Rushing into another relationship can hinder you from knowing the next steps. Your case is very different than mine because you have kids between you both, I didn't have any child with the ex. Trust God’s plan to guide your next steps.
Oh wow. This filled me with joy. I am so glad. Congratulations. Original Poster, we can't figure it all out, but one day at a time with God, and you will be shocked what He will make of your life
DeleteAll the best in your decision dear poster. You will be fine
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was the.one writing this. The only difference is that mine doesn't sleep around or drink or hang out. He became a gambler and that ruined our home. He still hasn't changed till now..I wasn't doing anything at the time I left, but I'm grateful for my family..they gave me the push I needed and I left for my sanity because I couldn't recognize myself..I'm currently living with my mum, so no payment of rent thankfully. My family comes in once in a while, and I've gotten a job online..plus aunty Stella has helped me too in her own way..just face your fears and take the leap. I definitely struggle, but I have my peace of mind. You'd be alright I can assure you
ReplyDeleteE hug sis 🤗🤗🤗🤗💗💗💗
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