ADVICE NEEDED ASAP
Hi Stella. Please help me post.
My wife is a medical doctor and a serious introvert. She doesn't interact much. Goes from work straight home. I've never had any reason not to trust her. She's very disciplined. We both agreed to leave the country with the kids through her writing professional exams. It'd be easier that way.
The country we agreed on holds the exams in Ghana not Nigeria.
Coincidentally one of her former colleagues lost his dad and he posted it on FB. She was scrolling through FB by my side when she saw it and said it out loud. I encouraged her to reach out to him because he also reached out to her when her dad died some years ago. That's how after the commiseration and all, the guys started telling her he needs to japa.
That the country is looking somehow. And he already discussed it with his wife. He now talked about where he was planning to go and it turned out to be the place me and my wife talked about. Since he didn't have study materials and my wife did, she sent them to him.
Now he is saying they should write the exams on the same day so they can travel together and save costs. The exam is just 1 day so she won't spend more than 3 days there. I don't think I like the idea of my wife travelling to another country with another man. I want her to choose another month entirely for the exams but I don't want it to look like I'm discouraging her.
I don't want to appear insecure since I've never had a reason not to trust her. How to I handle this?
Oga, I understand you very well, it is better to avoid the unknown...Please you are right, tell your wife to choose another date cos if they go together, you may not know whether they gbenshed or not but you might start building scenes in your head that might affect your marriage and then again they might gbensh.....Just tell her to get another date.... But wait oh, what if the guy also changes his date?
Why should he be the one to tell her when to write her exam? Talk to her, tell her her you feel. It is bether to avoid stories that touch the heart.
ReplyDeleteHow you feel*
DeleteNo be his wife?
DeleteHis concerns are valid.😎
She should chose a different day from him. They can chose the same eligibility period. Them no de lap person for plane. Let him research on cheap hotels( e.g gilbt) Use bolt for transport.
DeleteIf the guy can afford the exams then he should be able to afford his hotel room for 3 three days and local transport.
No gree for same day.
Apple, I mean why should the other man (not the husband) tell her when to write her exam.
DeleteTell her to change the date. If she insist, travel with her.
DeleteYour reasons are valid but since u said u trust ur wife where is all this coming from? She hasn't given u reason to distrust her too..
ReplyDeleteHe trusts his wife, does he know the other man's intentions?
DeleteOga, nor risk am o. Forget she doesn't interact much and all that.
Just tell her you are not comfortable with her writing the exams same day with that guy.
Mrs. Sharon, he trusts her obviously; it's just the man he is suspicious of. I think this is not even about trust but the circumstance, which appears disturbing.
DeleteThis is why it is important that couples should act conscientiously in a way that won't cause anxiety to their partner and try to avoid situations that may give room for suspicions and restlessness, even though deep down, you and your partner know that no matter what, nothing sinful will happen.
Let's be honest, if the poster says they shouldn't go together, it changes nothing if she is the cheating kind. They don't need a whole three days just to cheat. Besides, if they want to meet, does he think they won't be discreet and be this blatantly obvious? Can you really police anyone from misbehaving? Of course not, but irrespective, husbands and wives should always put themselves in each other's shoes and strive to act in a way that will put their partner's mind at ease. We know you won't cheat, but still flee from all appearances of evil, not just because of your partner but to protect your reputation as well in the eyes of your colleague's wife. What if the wife starts to loathe her because of that?
Is the guy her ex or has he ever shown interest on your wife?
DeleteSo why the imagination?
I am an introvert and we are always disciplined in such areas, we hardly fall in love with just anyone and it even takes time for us to develop something for anyone 3days is too small to feel anything, 3 months sef no reach.
Speaking from the desk of an introvert
Hmmmm if only you know the secret history among many of these medical people?
DeleteMy immediate ex is a medical school lecturer, Only for me to find out she is dating her student, younger in age sef. just imagine what the man who took over from me will go through in their hands, with my ex always addressing her young lover; My student! my student!!
That's why communication they say is very important in marriage sit her down and explain everything to her that you don't like the idea of both of them traveling together, then you guys plan and choose another date.Promise to support her financially as they are saying it will reduce cost,🙄even let him first go come back and give your wife more ideas about the exam.But Man 🙄 no too jealous nah😜
ReplyDeleteYou aren't insecure for feeling the way you do. You are just a concerned husband trying to protect your home and not leave room for unnecessary overfamiliarity, even though you trust your partner.
ReplyDeleteIt's best to always err on the side of caution, and that's what your telling her to pick another date is all about. Don't hesitate to discuss it with her, and I believe she would understand, because if she were in your shoes too, she would have similar concerns.
However, this doesn't mean the man has an ulterior motive; to him, it could just be a harmless suggestion due to the excitement of having someone to go with or a lack of deep thought. In all, you can't be too careful.
Let her choose another date! If the guy decides to also postpone his own,then know there is fire on the mountain o. Secure your home,oga.
ReplyDeleteYou're right sir,they should write the exams different days. You guys have helped enough. Plus it's not about trust but marking territory.
ReplyDeleteI am a woman. Take time to go through your wife's phone and check what the interactions have been like. If there is nothing to suspect, tell her you had a bad dream that she should change the exam date. If the guy decides to change his date too, then just know that your wife knows exactly what she is doing. I hate nonsense abeg. Or better still travel with her. Don't let the cost make you loose your home. Call me petty if you like but oga drop your kids and follow your wife and go write the exam. All na moral support. Make sure you have been treating her well o. So she does not suspect. God help you navigate this.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is necessary..
DeleteShe's your wife for goodness sake.
Just express yourself and let her know you're not comfortable with her travelling with the guy. You are human and your feelings are valid. However, apply wisdom in how you go about telling her.
Poster, something raised your hairs.
DeleteSnoop if you want.
But no need to tell a lie.
Tell her politely that you are not comfortable with the man's over closeness.
She may not even have turned her mind to it that she needs to be protective of herself.
The man says to save costs by them travelling together. Ha!
Please tell what costs can two adult male and female who are not married save from/by travelling together? Food cost? Transport fares?
Voila! Hotel room costs!!
Lol (pardon me).
What is in marriage/romantic relationships that a husband or wife (or partners) cannot say what is burning in their hearts/mind that people are here advised regularly to dream up.
Anybody who needs to dream up a lie to keep a marriage/relationship should do a check-up on the marriage/relationship.
In a similar circumstance a wife kept calling a male worker in a school who assisted her in collecting her certificate. She did not need the services of the man any more. The calls were also being made more frequently. Her husband asked her to stop the calls since she had collected her certificate. Simple. No dream tales. Pure statement that the calls were already inappropriate.
Poster, the reason for the joint travel is inappropriate - very so.
By the way, I am a married male.
If I was married I wouldn't even let a male friend of mine or my husband's in the house if I was home alone. I don't have one cheating bone in my body but I do not like the idea of my character being questioned. Tell you wife to choose a different day and not to go on a trip with him so as not to have her character questioned by anyone.
ReplyDeleteToo much is going on here simply from paying condolences. How does paying condolences leading to all of this and plans to travel together? Yes, it could all be innocent, but it feels weird and pushy. Worst comes to worst travel with her then. Be the doting husband there to support his wife and don't give space for any fckry to go down. You must have one sick or personal day you can spare.
Ok poster don't lie that you had a dream o. But pls talk and travel with her period. After talking, still travel. If deep down you know that you have not been treating your wife well, just no that no amount of travel will stop anything that other man must have been telling her o. Sha no lie o. Make matter no go worse. Lord I am sorry for telling the poster to lie o.
DeleteSir please since she has called this guy and given him the help he needed; it is better everybody stays in their lane.
ReplyDeleteAfter all the guy would have still found his way around if your wife hadn't called.
I know she has not given you reasons to doubt her but imagine if the tables were turned; she too would not find it funny.
Since she has sent her condolence to the guy, I think that communication should have ended there.
Talk to your wife please.
The thing about men is that they never talk
ReplyDeleteIf this scenario was reversed,the wife wouldn’t know detailed Dera about this exam,trip and date
If she is telling all these herself and you are not finding out yourself,cut her some slack
If you panic for exam finish,will you panic for the abroad
Oga drink cold water and rest
Nothing is happening .
If she wanted to gbensh you won’t hear pim
Abi make dem package lie give you
If you confront her or ask her she might become secretive and you won’t know much
Allow her and see
Na abroad she Dey go,if you no trust her for Ghana haaaaa
I’ve learnt not to give unsolicited advice,if you didn’t tell her to reach out. Your mind would’ve been at peace
"If she is telling all these herself and you are not finding out yourself,cut her some slack"
DeleteAgreed. She is innocent. Question: Is the man innocent? How come he is not uncomfortable with travelling with another man's wife, etc. Would he not have done his plans without this woman? Know from a male that an innocent woman is easier to be had. By the time she knows the true intent of the man, the deed is done.
And flip it.
There is hiding in plain sights. Ask around. You will hear women say that their most dutiful and respectful house keeper turned out to be the most havoc wrecking in their homes.
Was it not on this blog we read a wife caught her squared (Home > Work > Church > always Home in spare time) life style husband is the gbensher of a married church sister in that sister's home.
Oga, your fears are valid. With the way things are happening these days, it's enough reason to protect your wife by all means. You can offer to accompany her to the country for the one day exam.
ReplyDeletePeople are too moral bankrupt in today's world. That guy might even jaz her just to sleep with her. He might even drug her consumables, anything can happen.
I hope she won't be mad at you for not trusting her?
Someone said up there that it’s better to err on the side of caution and I quite agree. When it comes to marriage, it’s good to protect what you have. On that note, I’ll also suggest you ask her to consider choosing a different date for her exam.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side, as one who really holds her integrity dear, it would hurt me greatly if my husband doubts my honour especially when I have kept a clean relationship with any male friend or acquaintance. I know I would be deeply hurt if I was your wife. So please be sure you know how she’ll take your suggestions before giving them.
No one is infallible. I get that but if there’s nothing really to worry about, don’t make a big deal of it. If however you are deeply bothered about this their budding reconnection, you are within your rights to call a stop to it.
It’s marriage, you’ll both be fine.
I wish her success in the exams and bliss in your home 🙏
Rhod3s
The Poster has no doubts about his wife.
DeleteIt is the other man that he has doubts about.
You know how another woman is friendly with a wife's "over integrity" husband that makes the wife uncomfortable?
Our elders call it the art of an handshake going to the elbow.
It is still an handshake greeting, but...
Experience shows that it is the genuinely concerned person of the opposite gender that is easier to be had by a person with mischievous intent.
Stories abound of men and women who came to the realisation, albeit too late, of what had happened the second after the FULL act begun.
Hence the saying to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Something most have triggered the Poster.
Look for an appropriate time that she is a good mood and talk to her about it
ReplyDeleteMay the Lord add more honey to your home
Does the man not have his own wife?
Why plan to travel with a married woman?
Some people sef
Let her travel alone, it's not appropriate for a married woman to travel with another man other her husband
ReplyDeletePosh scents u r a muslim that is why u are saying this. I am a muslim too and i wanted to say but this is a non issue na, religion has settled it alrdy, a man that is not her husband, brother, father or uncle is not supposed to be alone with her talk more of even travelling with her, but then i realised that nobody has brought it up, so i just assumed that may be their laws are different.
DeletePoster please you are well within ur rights to come out straight and tell her, u r not comfortable with her travelling with him, he should either go with his wife, go with another male colleague or pick another date, but definitely not with ur wife.
This is not about trust, this is about setting boundaries. Next time she knows not to even entertain any male colleague that makes such an ungodly suggestion to her. Those saying, she wud be secretive when the hubby talks, fine, let her be, that is on her, but atleast he tried protecting what he has. If you find out she is secretive, u handle the issue accordingly. When we get to that bridge, u cross it.
17:17
DeleteALL Well said.
The man says they will save costs by them travelling together.
If they travel by road, would they take turns "lapping" each other on one transport fare?
Will they share one plate of meals at dinning times.
Will they share one double hotel room instead of two separate single hotel rooms
Nigeria may be hard. But it has not become so bad.
Did he say they will revise together and/or quiz each other in preparation for the exams. Even if he said that, what if the one of them was not writing the exams, would the other not have gone for it seeing that they separately decided to write the exams.
This is how some of the half narrated marital based chronicles will read here start.
I will advise that you travel with your wife for the exam because I smell a rat and make provision for the children while you are away
ReplyDeleteOga, let your wife change the date and go with her on the day of the exams.
ReplyDeleteFor you to know all their travelling plans and all shows your wife is carrying you along which is good,but to be on a safer side,please talk to her about it and let her change her date.
ReplyDeletePls discuss your fears with your wife.The devil knows our weaknesses.He uses scenarios like this to bring confusion and destroy happy and peaceful homes.
ReplyDeleteRefuse to listen to that voice telling you not to trust your wife.if changing dates and her travelling alone is what you want, so be it.she must listen to you cos you are the head of that home.
This woman leaves home everyday,she can still gbensh someone here in Nigeria if she wants.
Sometimes, it best we need things to God rather than stressing ourselves.Believe, she will comport herself while away.
Na from clap we dey enter dance, let her choose another date..She should limit her communications with that man too bcos i don't trust him...It's your wife, sit her down and talk to her
ReplyDeletePoster, what cost will a married woman and another man save by traveling together? Will they share a room or suite? Flee from every appearance of evil. Do you know if they had a history in College & the other guy is imagining things already?
ReplyDeleteNo offense to the mostly decent medical professionals but a few are loose when it comes to such. Your wife is good, do you know the guy well? I won’t even suggest that to my husband though we have been married for decades. Go to some hospitals staff common rooms etc here on early morning (Day) shift, used condoms in odd places, fresh ones in the cabinets (nobody has offices here unless it’s your private professional practice or you are an administrator), the common rooms have individual lockers. I remember seeing some stuff one morning yrs ago while working in one of the biggest hospital systems, wondering what time is available to even do this. People have energy for nonsense! Patients consultation rooms do not belong to any physician as all the rooms are used by anyone on duty.
Be harmless as a dove but wise as a serpent. My husband met& married me innocent & with integrity, he trusts me with his whole heart but we leave no room for the devil. Trust him to send flowers to mark territory or drop me off at work & pick me up though we have cars, etc.
Go to Ghana with her, borrow if you must and don’t fall into the trap of letting her go alone. I once met an older wealthy widower specialist (a widower with no kids) who thought I was single & wanted to marry me so bad because that day, my husband was too lazy to get down & join me at a hospital I went, which wasn’t even my workplace. He was a nice guy who thought God brought me in that day because of him & on my case till I handed the phone one evening to my husband to introduce himself!
We live in a messed-up world. Be sober, be vigilant. A successful marriage is one where both are intentional with not hurting each other’s feelings. Tell her over a dinner or movie date about your uncomfortable feelings focusing on the other guy so as not to seem like you doubt her integrity. It’s ok to be jealous over your loved one in a healthy way. I’d be upset if my husband wasn’t. God is a jealous God hence he wants NO other God besides him. There is positive jealousy between a man & his wife and a negative one which is possessive & toxic. Frankly I always prefer to speak to the wife when we have couple friends. It’s my personal transparency policy that my husband admires. I often tell him to call the man to tell him something even if the man is my colleague or I call the wife to tell him once we are family friends. It helps trust & boundaries as we vacation as couples to some locations & I don’t want anyone seeing my no on their man’s phone without them knowing.
I am surprised your wife sees nothing wrong with this. Keep loving & trusting her but PROTECT her & by extension, your home.
Very beautiful comment 👌🏼 I love your principle .
DeleteHello Poster,
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to see this.
I am married to a doctor and he also had to write a lot of exams together with his colleagues. If both you and your wife have been faithful to each other there's no need to suspect her. Don't allow the stories you read on social media to be-cloud you o.
Your wife knows how much you guys paid for that exam and that's the only thing on her mind now.
You are MARRIED TO HER... Discuss this issue with her and you will be surprised how she will assure you. Pray about it too but if you are still at unrest... Discuss with her to change the date.
That's if something hasn't started going on behind the scenes.
ReplyDeleteIf na woman, she wouldn't even allowed you this close to another woman.😎
Na wa oh..
ReplyDeleteHow hard can it be to tell a lady you're married to or in a relationship with that you cannot allow her travel together with another man to another country..
What sort of men do we have these days sef..
That exam wey hard like mad,. Someone close to me travelled I think 2 months ago to write it in Ghana too,m after the exam and she's emotional, guess whose shoulder she'll lean on..
If you like play yourself
I totally agree with you. How hard can it be to tell ur spouse u are not comfortable with that arrangement? A man fa? Even writing for advice on whether to talk to his WIFE or suck it up. No naah! Gsky we’ve lost it. Me as a woman would have told my husband i do not like that arrangement, straight up and he would know not to even conceive that kind of idea ever again.
DeleteThey can't keep goat and yam together..your feelings are justified. She should definitely choose another date
ReplyDeleteIt’s not your place to tell her not to travel with him but it’s definitely your place to let her know the closeness is making you uncomfortable
ReplyDeleteShe’ll handle it from there.
Now that you’re filing with her career, what if your own work. What will you do when you guys get there
It’s not his place not to tell his wife not to travel with another man??? Like seriously? Are u for real? Well, i do not know what or how you guys take ur husbands. But if we have agreed that a husband is the head of the house/family, then that head deserves some respect
DeletePlease tell her your fears & you can even join her. Most times they are emotional after the exam & anything can happen. Our inlaw & his colleagues sat for this exams years ago so I know
ReplyDeleteThe Most Complex B
This na temptation with a little confusion . The man might have other intentions.
ReplyDeleteill have to give it up to my husband. I travelled around for 10 years, sometimes with company male colleagues, abroad and within Nigeria . I NEVER for one day imagined in my head having anything to do with any of them, what the heck? I am so shocked at the responses I am seeing here. na so e easy for married woman to off pant
ReplyDeleteYes, na so ee easy, we read it all the time. This man is not ur husband, and ur husband is not this man. This man said he is not comfortable, ur husband was vry comfortable. Same way there are things u wud tolerate that this man’s wife would say over her dead body. That is life, no basis for comparison btw ur husband and this man. They r 2 different men.
DeleteJust as an aside, i’d be worried if i was always travelling wt male colleagues and my husband doesn’t mind. Knowing the way men are wired. But then u see, that is me, i’m not u, and u r not me.
Just follow your wife jeje to avoid stories
ReplyDeleteOga you sure say you dey faithful for this marriage so? Travel with her if you must, and I hope if reverse wad the case you'd let her travel with you?
ReplyDelete