ADVICE ON HOW TO MOVE ON NEEDED
Hello Stella,
I need your advice and that of bvs.
My marriage is in a mess and I don't know what to do or how to leave. We have 3 daughters together and the oldest just got into secondary school.
I have been holding the marriage together for years but I've recently reached a point where I know that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. But I just don't know how to leave and start all over. I fear for what will become of my kids. I won't want to engage in custody battles but I can never leave my children behind.
I fear that they'll keep asking me about their father (not like I intend to keep them away from their father, not at all, Never! Unless he tries to take them away or hurt them).
He is actually a good father but a very horrible spouse. He never communicates with me. We have been married for years but nothing to show for it because we can't sit down and talk and plan together. If I try to, he will get angry that I'm disturbing him or he will give me a sarcastic answer.
I need your advice and that of bvs.
My marriage is in a mess and I don't know what to do or how to leave. We have 3 daughters together and the oldest just got into secondary school.
I have been holding the marriage together for years but I've recently reached a point where I know that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. But I just don't know how to leave and start all over. I fear for what will become of my kids. I won't want to engage in custody battles but I can never leave my children behind.
I fear that they'll keep asking me about their father (not like I intend to keep them away from their father, not at all, Never! Unless he tries to take them away or hurt them).
He is actually a good father but a very horrible spouse. He never communicates with me. We have been married for years but nothing to show for it because we can't sit down and talk and plan together. If I try to, he will get angry that I'm disturbing him or he will give me a sarcastic answer.
This has kept the family stagnant because there is no direction for the family, and he's not the kind of person who sets goals. All he just wants is to pay recurrent bills, that's all. No aspirations. He's always borrowing too. I know he doesn't love me and he also lies too much. He even told me alot of lies while we were dating, only to tell me the truth after we've gotten married.
He will leave the houses at any time without telling me where he's going. He makes everything we try to do so difficult that it ends up not working.
He will rather spend hours on the phone with his friends or with his elder sister who has now become a thorn in the marriage. He accused me of sleeping with his colleague (I can't say what he found so I don't get decoded). This won't be the first time he's accusing me but he took this one very far because he told everyone I cheated when I did not, and i have never!
Ever since then, the marriage has hit rock bottom and this his sister is fueling my husband's hatred for me. She believes I slept with his colleague and my husband too has told her many more lies that have left me speechless. I think he does this because of the financial gain he gets from her. Probably to get her pity and to have gist that they'll bond over. Their family is disunited and they gossip and backbite each other all the time.
He will rather spend hours on the phone with his friends or with his elder sister who has now become a thorn in the marriage. He accused me of sleeping with his colleague (I can't say what he found so I don't get decoded). This won't be the first time he's accusing me but he took this one very far because he told everyone I cheated when I did not, and i have never!
Ever since then, the marriage has hit rock bottom and this his sister is fueling my husband's hatred for me. She believes I slept with his colleague and my husband too has told her many more lies that have left me speechless. I think he does this because of the financial gain he gets from her. Probably to get her pity and to have gist that they'll bond over. Their family is disunited and they gossip and backbite each other all the time.
A proper toxic family. He sneaks to take her calls now so that I won't hear their conversation. I had a relationship with her so I was shocked that she believed all he told her without ever having a conversation with me about it. They want me to leave without my children but that's never going to happen.
The marriage has broken down completely and I just want advice on how to leave without having to fight over the kids. I want them to live with me while they visit their dad weekends or something but my husband is a very mean person, I don't know what length he can go. I just know that this isn't the life that I want.
The marriage has broken down completely and I just want advice on how to leave without having to fight over the kids. I want them to live with me while they visit their dad weekends or something but my husband is a very mean person, I don't know what length he can go. I just know that this isn't the life that I want.
Anyone who has left a marriage with kids that are a bit grown, how did you do it? How was it? How did it affect the children? Should I just take my kids and leave? I don't really have family or friends as a support system, and they also don't live close.
I'm not rich but I have a business and I think my kids will be OK.
Who will the court give custody of the kids to? I have evidence of some of his abuse to me and even the kids. I hope it won't get to that anyway
People who know what I've been through in the marriage always wonder about my level of patience but I've now reached the limit of my patience.
Please advice.
Hmmmmm, they want you to leave but without the kids and you want to leave but with the kids......This is a serious issue especially as it involves Domestic violence.......If you leave with them and allow them to visit their dad, you will not see them again....
And the man is not someone you can discuss and have a convo with concerning anything? How come you do not have family and friends to support you? Your case is somewhat complicated and i really dont know how to advice you...I hope that somes advice helps you
Poster you need a family lawyer plus a solid support system to help you navigate this and that involves money.....If you say you can do this alone, it is going to be overwhelming for you....
ReplyDeleteJust find a good lawyer and discuss all that you have written here to him/her, their help will come handy...
All the best
Women always coming out with one-sided stories! The man is always the bad person - they are always the good wives, with no faults. Madam, pls provide a balanced story and be honest with yourself if you want objective and unbiased feedback from BVs
Delete15:29 oat tell the man’s story na since you’re the man. Mtchew!
DeleteAnon 15:29, you're constituting a nuisance, go to sleep. Poster, it is well. I'm so grateful for the support my family gave me when I decided to take a walk from mine. It is so scary how men who wooed you like their lives depended on it, change up when they finally have you. I am still traumatized by my experience.
DeleteAnonymous 15:29, it is not one sided. She has said he is a good father. Only not a good spouse. If you don't know this is possible then, I'm sorry.
DeleteOf course she is not perfect, but if they could have a descent conversation and plan together which doesn't happen, i don't think she will be writing a chronicle. Wait... And she has evidence of DV
15:29
DeleteShe just wants guide on going away with the (her) children. She's not interested in any objective or balanced advice. That's life. The man and father has no direct claim to the children of his loins. His claim is always conditional on the approval and permission of the mother. That's nearly the law and absolutely the societal rule.
Hmmmm women are now coming out of their shell.
DeleteTell him that you need separation and you guys should reach an agreement about children custody.
You might be shocked he will even be happy about it since he is no longer happy with you and men don't even like you leaving the kids so as not to stress them if they decide to be free again
Just give it a try
Can we rest.
DeletePoster's story is one sided.
That is confirmed by her refusal to tell what her husband saw that triggered the "adultery allegation".
Most chronicles are one sided irrespective of the poster's gender.
That is human nature.
The Bible says that "The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbour comes and examines him" - Proverbs 18:17 NKJV.
However, Poster is truthful as to her purpose.
Poster wants how to leave the marriage with the children without much stress.
In between and unsaid, Poster wants the children solely and if possible at their father's expense despite her... That is the burden of men and fathers - their children belong to them at the whims of the mothers of the children, and only so at their expense.
Hence younger men who do read this blog miss out on valuable lessons
But we all learn by and by, the good way or the hard way.
You guessed right. I am a male.
Which one is can we rest? You are obviously not resting.
DeleteIf your kids are teenagers and they have been seeing the way their dad treats you.
ReplyDeleteYou can have a discussion with them without talking down on their dad or making them see their dad as the bad person.
Just let them know in ways they can comprehend.
It would be hard on everyone in the beginning but eventually all will be well.
All the best.
Poster, nah person wey dey alive they fight for children....
ReplyDeleteWhere is Osinachi today?
Ain't the children still living?
Which do you think your children would prefer? A sane mother. Mentally stable, happy and positive vibes, Or one drown in anger, depression, bitterness, etc.
I think you should separate for now and let the other fears take care of themselves, as events unfold .
Honestly except u want to run away with the kids, u need a good family lawyer..
ReplyDeleteSomeone who is family oriented and understand you..
Sit your kids down and talk to them about what is going on so they won't be confused.... Kids can actually see and hear but talk to them too..
All the best dear, tell ur family members too
This situation is dicey sis, I wish you left when the kids were small (that is if you have aother good support system) 🥺 I dont advise that you stay because 10 yrs from now you may regret living with that kind of man. Let me listen to experieñced BVs ...
ReplyDeleteHot tears welled down my face as I read your story cause the only thing I hear is "Mummy!", Yes, my birth mother, unfortunately, she couldn't not be saved.
ReplyDeleteThe stories are both so similar I could have bet she wrote this if she hadn't gone to the great beyond.
Do you know the deeply hurtful part? His family who was once friends (dine and wine your money) but turned on you.
At my mother's burial, the minister beckoned on anyone from my father's side to speak about my Mum, No one, not even one person came out, but this was the woman who until her death, parted with goodies and money with you all. It was that day I knew that; the worst thing that could happen to a woman in life is to have terrible in laws.
I shed deep tears of sorrow midnight after the burial when I looked at how my sweet mother couldn't get anyone from my father's side to put in good memories of her to the large audiences, but much more tears because if she had listened to me to leave my father liked he made it clearly severally, she would still be alive.
Deep down, you know it's over, brace your heart, leave and don't look back, take the kids, and hey! Don't worry about the kids, he won't ask until later in the future, by then, you would have been seven times stronger, awared and prepared.
And oh! My father, he is down with severe stroke and only prays for death.
I'm sorry about your Mum. Sending you ehugs.
DeleteYour story is so painful to read. Mennn!
DeleteChai, so sorry about your mum. Mothers will always want to stay put for the sake of their children.
DeleteThis made me sad and sigh.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that you are going through all this, I honestly don't know what to say to you but I hope you get an advice or more that will help you.
Have you made an attempt to reach out to the sister to have a conversation about the numerous allegations he heaped on your head.
Do it without expectations though.
Walking away with 3 children wouldn't be easy at all, though things will eventually balance out but it is not an easy journey.
If they are as you have painted, you just need to be prepared cuz there will be a lot of attempts to make things worse for you.
If you decide, do it the legal way and probably before you proceed, seek further legal consultations so that you are properly armed.
I hope you have a great supportive system,
May God come through for you and yours and lighten your burden
@Poster, Your chronicle is similar to yesterday's. Also, pay great attention to all of the suggestions given yesterday and apply common sense.
ReplyDeleteStory of my life! The only difference between your story and mine is I have support system, in fact, that I could leave was because of their support, lluckily for you,, you have a business that you can use to sustain yourself and the kids., madam please leave.
ReplyDeleteThis kind of marital relationship is emotionally draining because you would feel all alone. Hugs sis
ReplyDeleteThis is really pathetic but you can pull through sis. All you need is God. Use him as your support system. Just consult with a lawyer and do all you can within the confines of the law and see how it goes. cheers
ReplyDeleteThis is my story presently, is even my daughter that advised me to leave before I die untimely death. I don't have any support system from anywhere but God has been faithful with me. He doesn't care about the children so I don't have problems leaving with my children, in fact he was even happy self.but when I look at my childrens I still thank God for everything.
ReplyDeleteThis is so sad, Poster.
ReplyDeleteIf you can afford a lawyer, please get one. The law has to be involved to keep your husband in check, else, you might not get to see your kids again. It is well with you. ❣️
Poster, what did you do with your colleague? What did your husband see?
ReplyDelete#Yimmu
Abi oo, she told us almost everything that happened between her husband and that of her sister in law, e reach for her and her colleague part she just code say she no want make them decode her. Hmmm
DeleteIt’s not even the chronicle on my mind but all the BV comments of similar stories. Some folks are going through serious trials and tribulations in this life. My heart aches for you all. May joy return and a new and glorious dawn break in all of your lives.
ReplyDeletePoster, as a child of parents who went their own way. I really wish my mother had departed that life long before she actually did. She waited too long and wasted too many years with my father. But she is the type that worries about what ppl will say so she stayed until it was too late. If you are worried about what ppl will say, that mentality will let you die and rot right where you are. The ppl who she was worried about what they would say are all old now and worried about their ailments and burying their dead. People forget about you and life goes on. So, if leaving the marriage is a must, start planning and being strategic. Cover everything you need to, plan well and make your move. You should also expect things to crop up than you did not plan for, but work through them and keep going forward. May divine protection be over you and your children.
Poster what you need is a good family lawyer, also talk to your girls about it i am very sure they will understand and follow you...But you didn't tell us what happened between you and your colleague that made your husband accused and hate you this much.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, sorry about the issues you're facing in your marriage. But since you said your husband is mean, I will advise you take your kids and relocate to a new state, even if you leave your home am sure he knows your place of business, he might still trace you to that place and do something crazy to you.
ReplyDeleteLeave for the sake of your sanity, and for the sake of your kids, they need you to stay alive for them in the future.
Reading comments
ReplyDeleteI read at a stage I stopped which story everyday like this eeh, God na your hand me dey like this 😳
DeleteDemonic men wear masks to marry women who they don’t love to become Mr married man and breed children for them. The men drops the mask when they get what they want ( they don’t change, they simply become their real selves)
DeleteThey are users
Start saving if you haven't. Start making demands for the house and the kids. Bill him my dear. E be like you dey do understanding wife too much. Please try and ignore him till your oldest child is done with secondary school. So that the kids will have grown to understand some things. So you won't have to explain too much to them.
ReplyDelete"We have been married for years but nothing to show for it because we can't sit down and talk and plan together. If I try to, he will get angry that I'm disturbing him or he will give me a sarcastic answer."
ReplyDelete"He accused me of sleeping with his colleague (I can't say what he found so I don't get decoded)."
Dear Poster,
The quoted above are at the core of your marital problems.
If the second event came before the first, then the issue is lack of trust. No man discuss with a woman he distrusts. Take this as a bankable truth. Adultery or the whiff of adultery does the same thing to both the man and the woman. All the tears women cry about adultery are the same men cry about adultery. The difference is that women cry out and the tears flow out. The cries and tears of a man suffering the adultery of his wife flows into his soul and body, and kpuff him quicker.
If the first came first, your problem is your disrespect for him. Few women respect a man seen as lacking ambition or tangible assets after marriage even if all his income was or is being spent meeting household bills. It is disrespect that makes a woman to have colleague related phone convo or contents that raise adultery allegations. If you respect your husband, you will never have such convo or contents.
Are you supporting on household bills as much as you want to see tangible marriage assets acquired. You will always get angry and or sarcastic responses from a man when you seek tangible marital assets but do not contribute substantially to the marital/household finance. A man who is stretched to his limit and borrowing without your financial support will not listen to your suggestions on planning for tomorrow.
And in what ever sequence the two occurred, he does not trust you as at date especially because of the latter event and that is why he seeks solace with or in his sister.
Your case is done as you say. So, this comment is for the unmarried or persons facing similar challenges.
Where there is No trust in a wife, no respect from her, the husband man will just be dutiful at best if he is not an adulterous man. His wife can never cross the threshold of his heart or emotions. When she gets tired, she is free to leave. Some husbands will not even worry about her taking the children along. Did you ask what about tomorrow, the reply is who knows or owns tomorrow.
But I know we do not like reading the flip side here most times. Therefore, it is agreed that your husband is bad and you are better.
theIsokoMan
Nigerian men have no respect for marriage or women mostly
DeleteThe singular once are getting desperate to become plural,and the plural are getting tired of it. God na your hands we dey
ReplyDeleteThere's no ease wat out. Is it possible to try therapy before you draw your conclusion?
ReplyDelete