Hmmmmm...
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
A STORY TO LEARN FROM AND ARGUE ABOUT
A couple recently moved into the apartment across the street behind my residence. They had been married for 16 years but you can never tell. The wife is 37 and they have 5 kids already. She is nursing the 5th. The husband is a banker and the wife has a small kiosk where she sells petty items in front of their apartment. I had observed over time that they appeare very religious and take going to church serious. I found that commendable.
On a particular Sunday, I had gone to get noodles for my kids from her. We exchanged light banter and I playfully inquired why she didn’t go to church with the rest of her family. Her reply was that she was under the weather and decided to rest. I bid her well and left. Thinking nothing of it.
A few days later, my wife during a random discussion, made it known to me that the reason my neighbors wife did not go to church that particular Sunday was because the son had no pampers and since the husband refused giving her money to buy, she decided against going to church that day. I was shocked and disappointed.
A couple recently moved into the apartment across the street behind my residence. They had been married for 16 years but you can never tell. The wife is 37 and they have 5 kids already. She is nursing the 5th. The husband is a banker and the wife has a small kiosk where she sells petty items in front of their apartment. I had observed over time that they appeare very religious and take going to church serious. I found that commendable.
On a particular Sunday, I had gone to get noodles for my kids from her. We exchanged light banter and I playfully inquired why she didn’t go to church with the rest of her family. Her reply was that she was under the weather and decided to rest. I bid her well and left. Thinking nothing of it.
A few days later, my wife during a random discussion, made it known to me that the reason my neighbors wife did not go to church that particular Sunday was because the son had no pampers and since the husband refused giving her money to buy, she decided against going to church that day. I was shocked and disappointed.
I felt that since she had a business she was running, she could well afford a unit or two of pampers at least. That was when my wife mentioned that our neighbor’s wife had bitterly lamented that her husband would rather use his money to settle the needs of his relations and leave his own home in need. That she was tired of pinching from her capital to meet needs of the home without the husband paying back. That her husband is ashamed of allowing his colleagues ever visit him at home because as a banker, his salary could afford a more decent place. I thought she made valid points.
My wife then dropped a shocking and bizarre tale of what happened when she was in the labor ward for our third child. There was a lady who had been admitted to the labor ward days before my wife was admitted. Her labour was becoming problematic and Caesarian section was recommended. Payment needed to be made before she could be taken to the operating theatre.
My wife then dropped a shocking and bizarre tale of what happened when she was in the labor ward for our third child. There was a lady who had been admitted to the labor ward days before my wife was admitted. Her labour was becoming problematic and Caesarian section was recommended. Payment needed to be made before she could be taken to the operating theatre.
Now the husband to that lady for some reason could not afford the money. He was hoping that the wife would give birth without the need for C.S. The situation was becoming dire. The doctor in charge that day, decided that the operation should go ahead even without any deposit(the state government had mandated that in situations where payment was not forthcoming, such operations could go ahead).
The wife kicked against been wheeled to the theatre. She had the attendants tell the husband that he had to go and source for money before anything happened. Desperate, the husband went to see what he could raise on short notice.
In his absence, disaster struck. The wife’s situation deteriorated. She was quickly rushed into the theatre but efforts to save her and the baby failed. Both died. The husband returned with what he managed to raise only to be told his wife and baby had passed. He was beside himself gutted with grief.
Here is where this takes a bizarre turn. As she was about to be wheeled into the morgue. They were gathering her belongings to give the husband, when a small polythene bag fell out of her wrapper. In the bag was 53,000 naira neatly tied together. The money for the C.S was 70k. The wife had more than enough to have given the husband to pay as deposit. She refused to but rather mandated the man to go looking. Seeing the money his wife had kept hidden, in anger, the husband walked away and abandoned the corpses. It took his younger brother and several people to get him to return and take the corpses for burial.
The reason why I tied the story of my neighbor to the second story is that when there is an absence of trust, financial fidelity and integrity between couples, the consequences can be very unpleasant. In the first case, the husband lacked financial accountability and fidelity to his wife. In the second case, it would not be too far of an assumption to think that the wife did not trust that her husband would come through for her, hence she resorted to rather desperate means to get him to pony up. Too bad she lost her life in the process.
The lesson here is, nothing builds harmony in a marriage and binds like when spouses are mutually accountable to each other financially and can trust themselves with each other’s finances. While the man should be the financial head of his home, his integrity with money, his willingness to have his wife have a say in how that money is spent, his appreciation of her efforts when she compliments him in providing for the home can make his task a little less challenging. Too many marriages are in crises because of absence of financial accountability.
This is my take but what do I know? I am just 4 years in marriage so maybe there’s more to the picture I don’t understand yet.
In his absence, disaster struck. The wife’s situation deteriorated. She was quickly rushed into the theatre but efforts to save her and the baby failed. Both died. The husband returned with what he managed to raise only to be told his wife and baby had passed. He was beside himself gutted with grief.
Here is where this takes a bizarre turn. As she was about to be wheeled into the morgue. They were gathering her belongings to give the husband, when a small polythene bag fell out of her wrapper. In the bag was 53,000 naira neatly tied together. The money for the C.S was 70k. The wife had more than enough to have given the husband to pay as deposit. She refused to but rather mandated the man to go looking. Seeing the money his wife had kept hidden, in anger, the husband walked away and abandoned the corpses. It took his younger brother and several people to get him to return and take the corpses for burial.
The reason why I tied the story of my neighbor to the second story is that when there is an absence of trust, financial fidelity and integrity between couples, the consequences can be very unpleasant. In the first case, the husband lacked financial accountability and fidelity to his wife. In the second case, it would not be too far of an assumption to think that the wife did not trust that her husband would come through for her, hence she resorted to rather desperate means to get him to pony up. Too bad she lost her life in the process.
The lesson here is, nothing builds harmony in a marriage and binds like when spouses are mutually accountable to each other financially and can trust themselves with each other’s finances. While the man should be the financial head of his home, his integrity with money, his willingness to have his wife have a say in how that money is spent, his appreciation of her efforts when she compliments him in providing for the home can make his task a little less challenging. Too many marriages are in crises because of absence of financial accountability.
This is my take but what do I know? I am just 4 years in marriage so maybe there’s more to the picture I don’t understand yet.
As a woman please make sure you have a means of livelihood before getting married so that you can have your own money to spend..Please what is this mentality with always waiting for a man to give you money before you can do certain things in the house? if you want to say he didnt allow you work, why will you allow him talk you you into becoming a housewife without a day job?Even a provision store in front of the house OK but make sure you sue the money from sales if nothing is forthcoming....
Marriages are packing because of the wrong mindset towards finances and entitlement mentality in marriage...Because you are married does not mean you should chook eyes in your spouses finances....For me i can discuss with you about my finances but my money is my money and yours is yours, if you bring fine and if you dont thats on you.....
Nigerian women especially need to stop usoing men as atm in marriages otherwise their marriages will continue to crash..
You dont have to agree with me abeg!
I have no issue when a woman chips in here and there, but there are some men that are sooo relaxed letting their wives take care of the home.
ReplyDeleteMake God grant us wisdom, amen
DeleteMao Akuh
This is where i always come in to advise them to hide their money but in a situation where your husband is generous, please wives be generous too...
DeleteI watched 50 cents interview where he said his grandad gave all his earnings to his grandmom and explained that he did it so she wouldn’t ask him for what he couldn’t afford. I’m not sure that works for Nigerian women though, it might result in see finish and women are very unpredictable too. Financial literacy in marriage is something that isn’t talked about properly. Unless you have a LOt of money where you don’t need it, I think partners should have money discussions regularly
DeleteI could remember when i went into labour for my 1st child. My husband was being owed 1yr 6months salary. There was no money on him. I just told him to go to my box,there was emergency fund i kept there. That money took care of the bills and naming after 7days. Till date, i always set aside emergency money.
DeleteI concor with everything said here.
ReplyDeleteSame with me, I learnt a lot from these stories.
DeleteBut truthfully some of these things are just common sense. How can a grown adult whether a man or woman depend solely on another for financial freedom. A mere mortal that can disappoint you anytime. Stella I support your provision store preaching today. please open a provision store and manage as you can. So that you don't die out of depression very fast
ReplyDeleteShifting the mentality towards financial independence and equality in partnerships is essential for progress, not only in Africa but globally.
ReplyDeleteWhen women are empowered economically, they contribute significantly to household stability, community growth, and overall economic development.
Marriage is about partnership—financially, emotionally, and intellectually. Encouraging financial literacy, entrepreneurial spirit, and shared responsibilities can help break the dependency cycle. It’s about both partners bringing their strengths to the table, fostering mutual respect and growth.
This shift can also inspire future generations to adopt a balanced perspective on partnership and self-reliance.
You are right.
DeleteIt is all about the value system under which most of our daughters were raised to live off men (there are a few exceptions where the man's leadership and catering behaviour was the issue), yet a very wrong mentality, but men love it. It allows them to lord over their dependent wives. And in times of trouble with no economic power, the woman becomes his refugee.
While I was home over the ASUU strike in that year of our Lord, I was in the 200 level back then in the 90s. My father woke me up one night and asked me a series of questions. The next question was determined by my answer to the previous question. The underlying message of that conversation that night was that I was created for a purpose and that I must find what that purpose is, then fight hard to actualise, realise and live it no matter what. But not to let the lure of marriage empty my vision. God has been faithful with the kind of marriage I found myself in. My parents taught me equity, and warned me never to entertain the idea of equality because it will never happen - discrimination will continue to be a social menace that creates distortion, disagreement and division.
I know a first-class graduate who is wasting away in her husband's hometown, as a housewife. The society was designed in a way that favoured men. Why choose to be a slave to masculine misogyny instead of a slave to the actualisation of your life purpose in the pursuit of your happiness? The mistake we make as women is the lazy, entitled mentality of choosing men with a closed mindset because of the allure that most often comes with. Whereas, what more of us need to grow, bloom and flourish are liberal men who are habitually open-minded to the existence and fulfilment of a woman's life purpose through kind belief in symbiosis (mutualism).
Society will continue to badly raise the male child because there's a vacuum of punitive accountability. But must the female child be raised with a defeatist conditioning and a dependent mindset? That's where we got it wrong. You must have sometimes cringed listening to most female mindsets about life and marriage. In my opinion, marriage does not favour the man, but it also enslaves women perpetually if that's their end goal in life. There's an urgent need now, more than ever to recondition the mindset of the female child. By reawakening them to the deceptive intricacies of life's booby traps. The many chronicles on this blog underscore this reality and attest to the need for quick shift.
My amiable male cousin would usually assert that while equality could be the end goal, equity should be how we get there. Because it is what makes our voice recognised, what gives us a seat at the table, and what shows how invaluable we are to the course being undertaken. It is our worthiness in the value chain of female-male dichotomy in a healthy marriage or relationship. And that your relationship should always add value to your growth but not become a liability. Most of our marriages are liabilities across both genders, but of a high ratio on the female side.
Nigerian marriages:
ReplyDelete3 major sets
1. Woman or man marry to be provided for (called cared for)
2. Woman marries to secure financial support for her paternal/maternal family in addition to herself.
3. Woman/Man marry to assuage societal, plus conj pressure.
The marriage for companionship is too negligible to be class as a set though it exists.
The day Nigerian marriage laws explicitly provide for judicially enforceable pre-nuptial agreements will be the beginning of the death of marriage as practiced in Nigeria today. Then we would have more of infatuated marriages and real marriages.
On the topic, the issue is selfishness of the spouses, not financial accountability. Did we not
read that story of the woman who billed her husband for candies bought for their children but have four houses - two abroad and 2 in her home country, yet had her V full of incisions loaded with husband entrapping charms?
How much do they eco pay bankers except top officials. You decided to birth 5kids in this Tinubu and blame your husband for not providing diapers even gossiping him to neighbors she’s very silly
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
Fan Emmanuel, she took the decision of getting 5 kids herself pregnant herself . for the 5 kids.
DeleteFrom my understanding of the story, she provides for the family.
My question is does her need to borrow sense to be supportive to his own immediate family? Or to leave the burden alone for her in the name of relatives
Men who do not put wife and children as number one priority are failures
DeleteMen who do not put wife and children as number one priority are failures
DeleteWhat a pity ,money ,money ,money when will people know that naked we came and naked we will go
ReplyDeleteMy landlady did not support the landlord for once before he died. I went to their apartment 3 years ago and a sachet of beverage was needed by landlady's sister. It was N100 at the time. Landlady told her own sister to go collect N100 from her husband. I was shocked. Didn't she have N100?
ReplyDeleteAnother time, landlady's mother came visiting and fell sick. I followed them to the hospital. Landlady's mother was asked if she has eaten, she said no. Would you want to eat? She answered yes. Her daughter, my landlady was there. Landlady told her daughter there and then to go collect N300 from their father (the landlord) for beverage.. He gave them. Landlord was buying and providing everything in the house to match box. Landlady deals on cosmetics. Their father pays for everything the children collect from her shop to mensural pads for the girls. What does she do with her money? Fashion. She goes to market for goods, she sometimes buys as much as 15 pairs of slippers and sandals for herself. You keep wandering what a life.
The man died and life's been very very difficult for her. Oga was buying food stuff, everything in the house. As she was crying upon her husband's death, neighbors were gossiping she was not missing him but the soft life he gave her. There's element of truth there because during COVID-19, oga was on the essential services group so was driving around. I over heard her one day when oga was around "go to work and bring money". A man that never spent 3 weeks combined at home during lockdown.
Meanwhile, landlord was paying her shop's rent.
Different things for different families.
I have nothing to say because if u interview this woman she will tell you the main reason for her attitude
DeleteMen can be something else honestly
The landlady married for selfish reasons. I'm sure the man must have had laddies who genuinely loved him but decided to settle for the whose love he bought with money. Women who built with him and women who were ready to build with him if he treats them right were there but he decided to settle for the one that his friends will see and praise him for conquering .
DeleteNK please hold it there
DeleteWe attribute women’s bad attitude to their husbands behaviour all the time.
Oya who do we attribute men’s bad behavior to?
Evil spirit abi.
You read all these things that was typed. How a woman who owns a shop sells sanitary pads to her own children so she can collect money from her husband and you’re looking for a reason for the attitude.
A woman who collects 100,300 naira from her husband.
Make una fear God oh
That second woman should be ashamed of herself wherever she is right now, how do you hoard money even at the point of you and your child's risk of safety and health, like how???? As she don die, na who loss last?
ReplyDeleteThis same thing happened when I used to go work in OOUTH Sagamu a few years ago too, only difference is it was a man in this case, the wife and kids were running helter skelter for money for treatment and this man did not fess up that he had some money on him right there till he died. They found enough money to cover the cost of his medication that the wife was rallying around to get right there in his pocket while emptying his clothings before depositing the body at the morgue.
Preparation is always important and as a husband and head of the home, he should have made arrangements for money from CS before the pregnancy was due. He has nine months to prepare.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the woman has been catering for everything in the home and wanted to use the 53k to buy final baby things. It is unfortunate.
On the first chronicle, before you give birth to six children for any man, make sure you have something doing. In Nigeria, some men have some kind of mindset. In some cases, the more children you give birth to, the more they treat you nonchalantly because they know that you are not going anywhere.
No matter what, don't ever resign from your job because of marriage. Don't do that. If you must, make sure you have another job. If you must be a stay at home wife, make sure you have enough savings and investment.
Women, it is good for you to spend on yourselves. Spend your money for own good, for your health, eat well, prioritize yourself.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
While the man prioritize his wife and children.
DeleteIt is only a childless woman that prioritize self.
No child asks to be born.
A woman who wants to prioritize self stay stay single.
#Yimmu
#Pricetagsonallchoices
Some women are sometimes angry with their husbands because they believe their husbands are not doing enough by providing for the family hence the "you must go and look for him to sort this particular situation by Force", attitude.
ReplyDeleteI understand but not when it comes to ones life.
Women, when it comes to critical situations, please, bring out the money you are hiding immediately and get the problem solved. You can face your husband later.
You are right to an extent. Some men are just very annoying. They would impregnate you and leave all load for you and it gets to a point you just want him to input by force but it should not be to our detriment women
DeletePoster thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteWhen you remove financial gains in relationship & marriage, many romance will crash.
A man has the responsibility to provide but in a situation he couldn't genuinely afford and a woman(wife) can afford, it's a common sense that she uses hers at the moment but then what do I know from Nigerian women.
© TEEJAY
Very educative stories. The banker's wife should stop birthing kids already. Aside the financial burdens,her total wellbeing is also at stake. The second story is a pathetic one,she had to die,for others to learn. 😌😌😌
ReplyDeleteAlways man and women matter. Are you guys not tired? Can't yall discuss more important things? Can't yall ask advice for more important and purposeful issues, like jobs, education, important life decisions?
ReplyDeleteStop Lying! The chronicle yesterday was about housing concerns. The ones on Monday were about staying in the city versus going back to the village and gift ideas for a future mother-in-law.
DeleteWho made you the Chronicles police? Let ppl ask or submit anything that is on their mind. If you are not interested then go to another post. Who are you to tell anyone what an important life issue is for them, they determine that. Send in your own chronicle or shut the hellz up. Mtssccchhwwww
You can also send those educative stories. 🙏🏿
DeleteSo you didn't get the lessons from here? Na wa for you o😂😂😂 . Calm down and pick lessons o, because you don't know the kind of person you will marry tommorow and the person you think is perfect for you today might turn out to be something else tomorrow because of some circumstances o.
DeleteA good advice to men out there.
ReplyDeleteOnce your woman inform you she's two weeks gone, pls start saving immediately for hospital bills and also possibility of CS. Open an account for that purpose. I know sometimes things happens that will cause unforseen expenses but in such case, be discipline and save. I don't know why men starts running up and down once their wife is on labour. Something they knew nine months ago. What was he even expecting?
© TEEJAY
While you are still single. Open a bank account for your future children. Deposit some amount of money and put it in savings fund, first bank has one, Zenith and others. Prepare for the future.
DeleteKING XOXO MYSTERY
TJ, when you get to the bridge, you will understand.
DeleteIn Nigeria, many things and anything can happen.
The woman in the second story kpai herself by herself - she was prepared but tradition, or greed, and or revenge didn't let her benefit from her preparation.
Let's ask. Was the child for her husband only. Who claim entitlement to a child the most in real life and even on this blog?
I know someone that cooks with charcoal bcos her husband refused to increase the house running allowance. This woman and her husband are both federal civil servants. Why suffer yourself to prove a point to anyone?
ReplyDeleteMany women are now more egotistical. One of my church members 10 years marriage is about to end. No violence or household issues. She insist he chooses her above his family. Husband visits his widowed mother every Sunday. That's the root cause of the issue,since last year Dec. I am really pained,because of their lovely daughters. 😌😌😌
DeleteMarriage is a poverty alleviation arrangement for some people.
DeleteSomeone I know was in jail, in holding. The money that was required to get him out he had more than that in his pocket at the time. Then he was sending for relatives to come and bail him out. Humans are strange creatures when it comes to money. The worship and deification of money needs to stop. It's a tool and that is all it is, you need the tool to get something done then use it and move on. I am not saying ppl should be spendthrifts and not save for a rainy day, but how you need emergency surgery or to bond yourself out of jail and prefer to hold on tight to your money that is right there at hand in a time of crisis, instead of spending it and setting yourself free. Folks just crazy.
ReplyDeleteSo bad however some women do it because they suspect that the husbands are taking care of their side chicks.
ReplyDeleteMy sister use to complain about her colleague them that even drives her car at night with little fuel that can keep her stranded at Apapa Lagos then. She was earning well but will hardly contribute to the house upkeep. Her story long.
The Most Complex B
Very disgusting mentality !!
ReplyDeleteSone will even wait for the Ma to brig money for common match stick , yes My neighbour does that. Match stick , satchet water haba,!!!
Woma have your own money oo.
Finance is verrry Important in marriage.
ReplyDeleteAnd for your neighbor, why give birth to 5 kids when she knows that she and her husband are not on the same page financially.
As a woman, having your own money is sweeter and necessary this time and age. If one source of income is not enough, look for a 2nd one.
You can afford something, why suffer yourself or your child just because you want the money to come from your husband?
Wisdom is truly profitable.
While it is true that some men get laid back once their wives begin to foot some bills, it is also true that some women are stupidly stingy/drag right. As a woman who has always been taking financial responsibilities since my late teens, I don't live my welfare or the welfare of my kids at the mercy of my husband. If he is unable to provide and I have the means, I do what should be done. We can only spend this money here on earth! Let wisdom guide our decisions and actions.
ReplyDeleteI said this the other time, no woman should sit at home waiting for hand down from the husband. A woman should be a help mate not a liability, if you like ni work I, e go shock you.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of them around me, any little bill, they'll have to wait for oga, God forbid, as a woman don't even think of marriage until you're financially stable to atleast take care of your needs and some bills in the family. E who has hears
Haba Nah,if she can't pity the husband let her pity herself..
ReplyDeleteThe second story is really pathetic ooo
May her soul rest well..🙏🙏
Hello iya Boys
Hiding money even on her death bed. She did herself dirty. No one should be stingy to themselves.
ReplyDeletePoster, I like the way you balanced everything. You are a wise man. It's only someone with wisdom that can balance it like this
ReplyDeletePoster wat a great story and lesson for everyone. Stella you on point with ur advise. Couples need financial literacy.
ReplyDeleteFinance and trust..hmmm
ReplyDeleteI learnt a lot from this story today. Thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteMy gender is good to assist your husband but don't over do it, let there be a good understanding between you both please. We should stop waiting for the man to do everything for us especially when we have something.
ReplyDeleteAssist your husband, that will make your home sweeter and give your husband more peace. If you notice he is lavishing his money and things that are not useful, please reduce your assistance in your home.