MARITAL BROUHAHA
I understand that it is a Yoruba thing to curse and swear and insult unnecessarily but coming from an exposed, educated and well travelled person leaves me dazed.
I understand that it is a Yoruba thing to curse and swear and insult unnecessarily but coming from an exposed, educated and well travelled person leaves me dazed.
Hubby was not like this before marriage but as he grows older, he takes on this silly habit of referring to my late dad, brothers and uncles when we banter. Like when I say "why did you remain this small food ?" He would reply "it is your father that I left it for"
When I say playfully "go and bathe, you are oozing" he replies "your brothers are oozing", etc. I had told him several times to stop referencing my relatives when we talk, not like we are even fighting, just playing... He refused to stop.
So last night, we were just playing and I said something like "it's enough, go and sleep, it's late" and he said "your father". I replied him "your grandmother".
He has been angry since last night, he said that I referred to his grandmother. I told him that he has refused to stop mentioning my relatives, I don't like it, I'm not Yoruba so I won't understand why they like it, it they all do. I don't!
My father is late. His own grandmother too is late. So it's fair.
Now he is still giving attitude. I no send am. If this will make him get the message, its fine. I hate what I hate.
Nawah oooooh..This thing that hubby and i use to joke na him una dey use fight?You too your mentality is faulty....Why find fault in his joke and now refer to it as a Yoruba thing? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!
My mum in law is late and sometimes when my hubby says something i tell him it is his mum and not me.........He can playfully say ''Big bum leave me alone'' and I tell him ''Na you mama you dey talk to not me'' I also say to him ''you father''...If he references Naija in any negative thing, i say na your brother you dey talk to....We laugh and move on.....
Its you that needs to realise that he was joking but you were upset so yours was an insult.....
Please take it easy and ignore his remarks if he doesnt stop, he will eventually stop saying it...No carry matter of dead person for head nah....EASY!!!!
You can generalize a lot. Yoruba people are coming for you...
ReplyDeleteLol
DeleteLol
DeleteWith pankere soaked in kerosene. 😂😂😂
DeletePoster, the way you started your narrative already shows that you're an insulting and troublesome person!
DeleteAnd no, I'm not yoruba.
Don't expect to receive what you don't give. Since you don't want him insulting your family, then don't talk to him in a manner that'd make him insulting you4 family whether playfully or not. Simple!
All along he was trying to hurt you with his “jokes.” As you can see from his response, he considers those comments to be actual insults. Why is he resentful towards you? This signifies a deeper issue. Have a deep talk with him examining your relationship or you both should seek marital counselling . Pele.
Delete17:13.
DeleteShe reads controlling. The man maybe rebelling against that.
She should have told how long the marriage is.
It's Yoruba thing as if it's only my tribe that curse, and yes I'm Yoruba
DeleteStella if it was play play why is the guy angry when the lady joked with him too?
DeleteMe I don't like people pretending like they don't know what they are doing.
Youruba's can insult alot
DeleteHer first statement is an insult to 55-60 million people many of who will never even talk like HER not to speak of responding like her HUSBAND. This poster needs to learn more respectful manners & is condescending to her own man.
DeleteI can only imagine how she talks to outsiders if she thinks telling her man he is oozing is a joke by or controlling a grown man’s left over food amount. I find the first sentence of the post off-putting & rude. It says a lot about how she sees her man & where he comes from. Change yourself first, that is the only person you can control. Maybe if you stop subtly insulting him & his ethnicity his suppressed anger would not keep bursting out as what hurts you. Like Stella, I don’t get bent out of shape if you insult my dead relatives, they are dead before the insult, dead after the insult. Only the living can fix their manners, life & behaviors including preconceived notions about others’ backgrounds that seep into relationships.
If he is a good man in other ways, sit & talk about cause & effect as matured adults.
If poster lines, take advice from those asking you not “to gree” . Like someone used to say “the owner of the suffering will bear the original or most of the suffering, others can only hear and say sorry”; “Oniya l’Oma je original, die lawon eyan ma ba bear”
My husband and I banter like that and it’s fine cos we are both okay with it. But in ur case, you’ve constantly said u are not okay with it but he continues.
ReplyDeleteNow that you’ve dealt him same hand, he’s now vexing, meaning he may have even been doing it with intent to hurt you abi why is ur own response now hurting him?
Exactly, you husband is a mean person. Forget Stella’s advise. The person dishing the insults pretend like they don’t know it hurts
DeleteAs in ehn
DeleteMost likely.
DeleteThis! I was initially going to say poster was taking things too seriously but the fact that your husband refuses to accept the same joke from you shows that he doesn’t mean his as a joke
DeleteThank you Eka joy
DeleteNa only you get Sense
Wise. The guy is mean. Well try and resolve it o
DeleteNa Only Eka make sense.. others are ass licker shiooor
DeleteNa wa for her hubby
DeletePoster you are wrong in insinuating that is how all Yorubas behave....I understand that you are upset but mind how to paint people with a single paint brush...
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I believe your husband got the message as you simply mirrored his attitude after you had expressed your displeasures with him....Your husband comes across as an emotionally immature person... Don't ever tolerate what you don't like; even in marriage, there should be no go areas....
He will come around on his own, both of you will be fine ..
All the best
You gave him a taste, and now he is angry. Interesting. 🤣
ReplyDeleteNne you should just ignore if he refuses to stop. Maybe he is accustomed to it and it has become a part of him, might have been hiding it from you during courtship.
ReplyDeleteHubby also says it to me and I return it to him in double folds and we laugh it off.
The difference is you and your hubby laugh it off. Op's hubby is upset at being told the mean stuff he has been warned about. Don't tell her to ignore cuz both situations aren't the same. Your hubby is a jolly man,Op's hubby is a mean soul.
DeleteThanks AK047
DeleteOne man food is another man poison ,know yourselves and have peace
ReplyDeleteImagine the generalization.. anyways, let's leave it.
ReplyDeleteBoth of una dey do like small pikin.. simple. I use these words several times with my wife and we just joke it away.. this morning, wify was telling me to tune down the volume of my phone and i told her to go instruct her mother. She laughed and gave me a bomb and I also laughed. Simple
Make una leave us abeg if both of you can't grow up or act ur age
Mr Pinky, i understand. But husband's right stops where the wife's right starts. Is she says i don't like it, he should respect the boundary. They were not raised in the same house or home. Don't force anything on anyone. This attitude he is giving her is manipulation.
DeleteOne should be able to take what you dish to people.
Pinky keep yearning nonsense
DeleteWill read later in the night let me enjoy my party jollof rice first 😘😘 we dey the wedding like this 😜
ReplyDeleteI am Yoruba and will never be okay with anyone insulting me or my family members whether you are serious or joking. In actual fact, I find it appalling.
ReplyDeleteCalling someone idiot, werey is unacceptable to some of us and if someone says he/she doesn’t want, you stop it. I don’t even trade insults with my friends.
However, saying it’s a Yoruba thing is wrong because my son in law insults his wife’s relatives anytime he’s upset despite several warnings from his wife. He only stopped when my daughter told him she will start returning the favour.
Same way I feel. I find it childish. Some will jokingly say "get out", your father or mother". It's a no no for me. I don't insult no matter how light
DeleteGod bless you, I am Yoruba and right from childhood I dislike whatever people call joke by abusing or cursing each other and I don't do it to others because I can't take it but she saying it a Yoruba thing is so annoying. If it is a thing with her husband didn't she noticed this before they got married for her to tell him she wasn't cool with it.
DeleteMy son in law is Igbo btw
ReplyDeleteI don't know why you fail to see that you are passively aggressive while your husband may be actively aggressive. You are not entirely innocent. Your words are hurting him, so he decided to get back at you, but the thing is, he goes way overboard and is downright nasty and uncultured with his approach. When he could have just called your attention to it and let you know how hurt he feels due to how you talk to him, you seem like someone who can't overlook the littlest things and complains a lot. You even generalized a whole tribe.
ReplyDeleteYou asked him, "Why did you remain this small food?" And he said he left it for your father (which was wrong), but the thing was, he got your message. You were pissed, and you were indirectly asking him who he remained the small food for, like it is a crime to remain something small, so he responded rudely.
Why tell him he is oozing? Even when you make jokes, still be polite. You are bruising his self-esteem with your unfiltered jokes. Though I am not entirely convinced you were joking but only masking it as a joke now to make light of the situation. Even as a lady, I find your manner of approach cutting and mildly caustic. I find you slightly rude.
Anyways, with the latest development, he is definitely going to seethe for a while, but he will come around eventually. I am sure he didn't understand how nasty he was until he saw his reflection when you retaliated and started mentioning his relatives. He won't be like that anymore because he now knows how hurtful it feels, but you also need to refrain from speaking to him so tactlessly. That's the underlying issue that I believe needs to be fixed, considering you said he wasn't like that before.
Hian! Asking why he remained small food is an insult? Issokay
DeleteDid someone hack Gaby's ID? What manner of fuckery is this?🙄
DeleteBut the oozing comment was a compliment ba?
DeleteI think you got it wrong. She’s direct but he’s the passive one. If her words hurt his feelings, he should simply have told her. There is no way you’re calling her passive when she is clearly not. The woman communicated her clear dislike for the way he disrespectfully refers to her father. She found it hurtful and he childishly continued to insult her father? What a child… if he found her words hurtful he should have communicated that DIRECTLY like a grown adult. SMH
DeleteGaby, well said.
DeleteShe's controlling and passively insulting. In addition, all was narrated to suit her case and expected majority validation.
Na condition (no qualified suitors by her spec from her tribe) make Poster marry her husband.
Hmmmmm
DeleteThe moment she generalized, I find her post off-putting, that's all. I naturally feel that way about people who generalize a tribe, gender, religion, etc. I just feel someone like her, who would come online and boldly assert a negative trait to a whole tribe without remorse, is very tactless. I also surmise there's no way her lack of tact and cluelessness would not always surface in her choice of words and how she interacts with her husband, and she is just here presenting to us the milder jokes she threw at him—ones she preselected to table her case.
DeleteShe said he wasn't always like this, so he probably had enough of the "playful jokes." I just feel there was more to how she said it, either her tone or body language, that pissed him off. Even though that doesn't justify his extreme reactions, like I said earlier, he should have simply told her he does not like it.
I already mentioned that the good part is he would no longer respond to her that way anymore because she replied to him in a similar manner. So she doesn't have to worry about him insulting her parent anymore; still, the poster would need to stop the jokes.
17:33 You are right; I got it wrong with him being actively aggressive while he is being passive as well, but my stance on everything else stays the same.
DeleteYour response is the deepest @Gaby. I have been happily married for 33 years, both of Yoruba ancestry. I cannot imagine telling my husband “he is oozing” or asking him the way she asked him: “who did you leave the small food for”. No offense but that is a rude way to speak even to my children.
DeleteThe poster needs to change the way she speaks to her husband, respect begets respect. Yorubas have a saying that “Pele has male & female”… I’m not sure how to translate it but you can tell someone “to go to hell” & they will smile & complement you because of your presentation. She could have said something like: “ I didn’t realize I served too much food for you”, or “I just cleaned the shower after using it, I thought you may want to shower” or something like that. We do not use swear words or curse, not even the “F” bomb that is so common here so I will ignore your stereotype.
I am not justifying the husband’s language, he should have told her in a matured way that he constantly feels disrespected by her manner of talking down at him but he decided to get back at her for the hurtful & condescending manner she speaks to him by going “low”.
You should both have a mature conversation about your rules of engagement and discuss the root cause of your quarrels. Take the advice from various people here and change your approach & watch him change.
The only times my husband & I engage in ethnic “jokes” is when he sees I’m stubborn in my opinion on something he could jokingly refers to my ethnic ancestry stereotyped as principled & we both laugh. Or he says if there is a Yoruba word, there is a town in my parents state with that word made up of 400 people (Ekiti towns are small but sound like cities & are many, lol) & his friends from the state tell him he will pay extra money while referring to the common carbohydrates they consume on his own parents side saying we brought protein to balance his meal.
Out of love we women may appear controlling to our men. It’s left for couples to communicate to live happily.
21:36, Thanks Ma'am.
DeleteMake sure you do not apologize to him. Let him keep carrying his face and vexing.
ReplyDeleteI do not understand this banter and bringing in those who are departed into it, I don’t understand it. We all learn not to speak ill of the dead and to let them rest so why is he hell bent on bringing up your father and brother constantly, even after you have told him to stop. Who does that? The things some ppl do in the name of fun boggles my mind. Because there is nothing funny about this to me. I hold my loved ones who were dear to me close to my heart, I do not want anyone to speak their names unless they have something good to say.
ReplyDeleteGood on you for returning the favour. Sometimes ppl need a taste of their own medicine. Respect is needed in this marriage! Any spouse who shows they do not like something and ask for it to stop, then it should stopped immediately. When you respect someone you also respect how they feel and their wishes. Marriage is not for the inconsiderate. Please stop bantering and playing with him too. Perhaps he hates it and he lacks the balls to say out right so he brings up the dead. Find other activities that are entertaining and creates peace. Play board games, travel, take walks. Stop the bantering!
Why is he angry?a lot of people can't take what they dish out
ReplyDeleteA person cannot claim to love you but continues to disrespect you. If you continue to provoke your spouse in the issue they have warned you about, it is hypocrisy to cry foul when they summon the courage to retaliate. Oga should go and take several seats biko. Maybe he will stop after recovering from this episode.
ReplyDeletePoster,sit him down and tell him,you feel exactly,the way he's feeling,whenever he mentions your relatives. It's supposed to be a banter,but both of you,don't fancy such humour. So let it stop from both sides.
ReplyDeletePlease, you are justified. When you tell your spouse that you don't like someone and they continue to do it, it only means that they don't care about your feelings.
ReplyDeleteMy dear pls don't beg him allow him with the anger. When he is tired he will calm down and this might be the end of the insults.
ReplyDeleteSo.maney are like this. they call it testing the limits. They will keep trying till you react and that is the end.
People hardly likes what they dish out that's the truth. Just ignore him for a while and see how it goes
ReplyDeleteHe is vexing for what naa
ReplyDeleteSo he can't take what he dish out
Please ignore him and maintain this fight untill he gets your point
Men thinks they can talk or insult you anyhow asif it's their right to do so
Shior
Just a child in adult clothing and smoh diapers.
DeleteThey told you repeatedly not to make your cruel tasteless jokes referencing family members.
But you keep dishing them out because you grew up bereft of emotional intelligence and because as a man you feel, you can say anything and trample on anyone's feelings.
Just one spoon of peppersoup wifey gave you so that you too can enjoy the taste, you are sulking like the actual tata that you are.
She no even try, I for dip your head inside that pot of soup, make you feel am well well.
6 months e go dey shock you for brain, then you will know that respect should be reciprocated.
And honestly, are these the things to even escalate and cause issues in a marriage?
I dislike such jokes or banter or anything. There are numerous things to joke about but I draw a line to you calling my relatives. If you keep doing that, hmmm, you may not like mine. Let us learn , unlearn and acquire better habits.
ReplyDeleteBut if you understand yourselves and banter with it, that is cool. One person should not banter with it and the other cannot banter back.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Do me i do you na im cause wàhálà..
ReplyDeleteBut seriously why he is pained when he does the same thing to you every other day?
I hope this will make him stop the habit.
Intertribal marriage isn’t for everyone. In this case, this isn’t about tribe. You should have been giving him back ages ago. If na me I go dey give am before he says my own. All na joke na you take am serious. I will even laugh more sef. He’s a mad man but Yoruba people are very respectful so he knows what he’s doing in this situation.
ReplyDeleteKaren
Poster just go n rest he will be fine and later talk to you. It's better gave it back hot he will learn.
ReplyDeletePoster continue. He will get the message at some point.
ReplyDeleteGiving him a taste of his own medicine.. Lol, poser don't apologize to him at all, he will come around and gets the massage
ReplyDeleteDo not apologize, but not in the sense of you don't care because that may mean the beginning of the real crack in the marriage.
ReplyDeleteDo not apologize on the basis that you will start respecting yourself in the way you talk to him going forward.
Apologies is overrated in marriage. What is more important for some men is not giving the ready for this fight vibes and stopping the offending act(s).
Expectedly, you both will start working on choices of words. Or next time, you will bear his oozing and ask him unnecessary questions onward.
What are you blabbing
DeleteI don't know why he can't take what he dishes out. He should feel the pain small. I don't like expensive jokes like that abeg
ReplyDeleteI understand you very well poster and its obvious you weren't brought up that way just like me. I find it's absurd for spouses to speak rudely or insult me talk more of my family members.
ReplyDeleteMy family is sacred to me hence i dont mess with my in-laws no matter what.
Speak to him about your disposition on this issue and refrain from insulting his family gradually he will get your msg.
Dear Poster, please understand that it is not a YORUBA thing to swear or curse. You can leave out the tribal talk when you are talking, it could be anybody.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you have painted your father or brothers to him in the past in a bad light when you were gisting.
Next time, when talking about your family, Ensure you leave out the bad story that portrays them in a bad way
Na youruba thing.. you guys do that alot.. no be Lagos I dey
DeleteIs it only Yoruba that lives in Lagos? Illiterate.
DeleteShabi he dey play play with you since
ReplyDeleteNow you come play with am he begin vex..abegii
Chaii the one you told him come pain am , first to do no dey pain ooo..
Hello iya Boys
Yeah my jokes don’t extend to any member of my family
ReplyDeleteKeep them out of your mouth. Period
Poster let him keep carrying face, you too were playing with him like he has been playing with you since. Nonsense!
ReplyDeletePoster I quite understand you. This type of joke works when the parties involved enjoy it, just like Pinky's comment indicates up there. Sit him down and tell him that you would not like that issue to cause cracks in your marriage, let him stop it cos you don't enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteObviously he can't take what he has been dishing.
ReplyDeleteI hope this will make him stop cos how can you be hurting someone intentionally and then get angry when the same thing was done to you?
Poster please do not listen to those asking you to take a hardline. Even as you tried to soften your own jokes in narrating it like many posters do, they come off as insulting and rude to a grown up man. You both sinned differently, so communicate so he stops expressing his anger at your rudeness with such language.
ReplyDeleteYour stereotype may be bumping his own stereotype which is why it’s bad to stereotype a whole group! What ethnicity will cause in Nigeria😳 Yorubas also have a belief that some parts of the country are disrespectful and “wake their older ones and parents up by kicking them in the morning”.
All these are not good for modern day relationships! Communicate in an educated manner. Sit down and talk. Even after wars between countries, peace talks is what usually brings the resolution.
Pele ni ako , o si ni abo. Sorry have a hash and soft undertone. Jokes comes in different shades. I beg if you hate Yoruba? Just divorce him, no be by force.
ReplyDeleteAgbekale Oro wa important. If you banter back with him? He will understand, Yorubas are very intelligent set of people. Just follow you church mind and rebel, shebi your tribes men full everywhere? Sample one now?
ReplyDeleteI had this problem with hubby. Anytime we quarreled, he would mention my older brothers and my eldest sister's hubby who are way older than him too. It continued until I told him straight up that my relatives he's always calling are not his mates in any way, (age, class or achievement) and if he ever insults them by bringing their names into any of our arguments, I will not hesitate to insult his older sisters and their husbands. He has not tried it again since.
ReplyDeleteOP I agree with you. You had a boundary and your husband crossed it. He failed to listen to you. And he failed to protect you emotionally. Now you reversed the role, he is angry. Which shows he can't eat what what he served. Apologise for calling his grandmother. But let him know that if he continues with insult, you will serve him the same. He should respect your boundaries.
ReplyDeleteSome People can take QUATER of whatever they dish out.
ReplyDeleteHe feels hurt because maybe he does it with the intent to hurt you
Most people reveal their intent with the kind of Jokes and banter they dish out.
Gaby has spoken all of the other comments are almost irrelevant and toxic at best. Find a way to resolve your issues before you let your marriage get destroyed or on frivolity.
ReplyDelete