Hmmmm...
SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED
Please advise me on the next step to take…
We met during our Youth Service in the core North. It wasn’t love at first sight; it was at a prayer meeting in the church. We exchanged normal pleasantries as church goers. It remained like that till our passing out from NYSC Camp and we went to our separate homes.We reconnected via phone call and proceeded to add each other on Facebook. We talked endlessly via facebook which was the common and cheap means of communication then. Five months after reconnecting, he proposed to me and I accepted. By April of the next year we got married.
I moved with him to the city where he resides and started life with him. Eight years down the line and still unable to conceive, coupled with fibroid diagnosis which was later removed via open surgery.
I am forty-three years now and just two years shy of menopause. Husband woke me up one night to tell me he wants to take another wife and that his people are on his neck to do the needful. I asked him so what is going to happen me? He replied that I will have to move out.
I shouted God forbid and I wasn’t going to do no such thing. What came out of his mouth shocked me and threw me off balance.
In his words “It is better for me take a walk quietly and not drag issues, because I can sell the house and you will be forced to move out” I was still gaping my mouth wide when he landed another shocking one.
In his words” Haven’t you been married traditionally before? That he will use it against me in court should I want to make trouble.
Stella, before I married this man in 2016, I opened up to him about my past that a man once paid my bride price but we found out he was part of a cult syndicate. Immediately we learned of this, my parents summoned a meeting and we returned their bride price '' before they will go and use my daughter for money ritual” ln my mother’s voice.
Now why does my husband whom wedded me in church is bringing up these things in present day 2024 just to have a case to build up.
Since these discussions transpired, I have been on the lookout for house. Although he has said I should let things slide after my parents called him, but part of me feels I am just married but single.
Stella I am very educated but am not going to put this here for the sake of my identity.
Please keep me anonymous. I haven’t been myself lately.
Such a pity that he took this route..If he was tired of waiting for a child, he could have discussed it properly with you or begged you to allow him marry a wife to procreate with him while you still try to concive..Maybe the fault is even his..
Anyway you know his mind now, please move on quickly anf gbensh someone else, to see if you will conceive...Forget the call your parents, they are not there with you to chop insult....Please move out and move on no matter what he says.
Poster I hope you’re financially okay.
ReplyDeleteJust intensify your search for a house so you can move out fast cos a man that can say all these nonsense can kpai you. Move out immediately and make sure you file for a divorce. Check your eggs and go freeze them, explore every other chance to have a child but if it did not work feel free to adopt if you wish. Please do not remain in that marriage cos that selfish man may end you oo.. You don’t need to remain in misery in the name of marriage. Leave to live a fulfilling life.
Fan Emmanuel
Just today a woman gave a testimony on NSPPD, she had quadruplets in her 50s, no children before and she didn’t use IVF, just prayers. I don’t know who told you menopause begins at 45? What God cannot do does not exist!!!🔥🔥🔥
DeleteAll I can tell you to join Streams of joy - NSPPD fire altar. Report him in that Fire Altar and see.
DeleteMao Akuh
Yeah for her peace of mind and safety, kindly leave. He has asked you to leave calmly, heed to that. Going forward, don’t open up all of yourself to your spouse. E get why. Sorry Ma 🤗
DeleteAgbam, i agree with you, he may harm her. Poster please consider this advice 🙏
DeletePoster, I share in your pain and I will share in your joy, He has spoken it's left for you to take drastic decision that will favor you now and ever.
DeleteMy colleague just passed this phase recently, the guy didn't support her to adopted earlier in the struggle but he mistakenly impregnate (according to him) someone after 3 year that the woman Forcefuly adopted her son just to recently impregnate the woman 2nd time now.
The wife left the marriage and the man refused to allow her even threatened to report her to the welfare so they can retrieve the boy but thank God the woman was enlightened, she wasn't frightened so with people intervention the man left her, thank God for the boy, he his her companion now till she decides to try love again
Poster take the news as blue print of what is about to happen, that is if it hasn't happened.
What do you want advice on? To stay and how to do so? To go and how to do so? It would have been better if you clarified.
DeleteIt is best you consult a lawyer on your marital rights.
You married as a divorcee -- return of bride price fully terminates a traditional marriage. Marrying as a divorcee does not affect your rights in this current marriage.
You married in the church. Did you also married at the Registry or is your Church licenced to conduct Registry (statutory) marriages? If the answer to both or either questions is yes, he may not have the just say right to marry another woman. But if the answer is no, you may only have a traditional marriage which is regarded as potentially polygamous.
Do not seek to test your fertility outside until you wrap up this marriage if you choose to leave it. A pregnancy outside marriage may be joyous to you. It also makes you the marriage breaker and provides an alibi for your husband. If you want to leave, do so with your head high and dignity intact.
If you choose to leave the marriage, refused to be stampeded, negotiate favourable terms of dissolution knowing fully well that you did not conduct an illegal marriage with your husband as he wants you to believe.
Best wishes.
Mr. Mann
Your husband is WICKED. Whaaaat! He doesn't want to take another wife, he HAS another wife. Imagine how easy it was for him to utter such statements, and then he wants you to let it slide. "Slider". Pls divorce his a&&, move out, and cut all means of communicating with him. You will find someone who truly deserves you.🤗🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteGet your place, move out.
ReplyDeleteHe has showed you now who he really is, be thankful for that. You have been married to a snake.
What's the guarantee that his new wife will have kids for him? That will be his punishment for treating you that way.
As for you, try another man to see if you'll get pregnant, you never can tell.
At this point, do not care what any one would think or say about you, just do what you think will make you happy.
Sluttychic.
Start making ur plans because he's already making his, know ur stands and leave without losing.. Life goes on, u can also adopt.
ReplyDeletePoster Ehugs to you....Please who gave that report that because you are 43 years, you are 2 years shy from menopause....Is it the doctor or God? Have you both visited a fertility specialist to check both of you? Because you only mention your side.....
ReplyDeleteMehn! It is so disappointing that the one whom you made a vow to that should stand by you at this waiting period is acting so callous and ready to place blames on you rather than seeking a solution....I understand that we share some stuff with our spouses, but it should not give him the temerity to insult you or bring you down when there is a disagreement....
Does he have anyone he respects deeply and a very mature person so he/she can mediate both of you....Even if you decide to go your separate ways at least you have explore all other options....Your husband is a chameleon and unveiled his true nature......
All the best....
Who said menopause begins at 45?
ReplyDeleteWho said menopause begins at 45?
ReplyDeleteHow do you know you are two years shy of menopause?
ReplyDeleteQuietly divorce that man. Don't let anything slide else you will just be like a furniture in that house in his eyes of you don't get pregnant while he goes out to keep a second wife. His plans are still intact just that he has found another way to achieve it behind your back now.
Divorce that man and start dating. You may not have a baby with him doesn't mean you won't have with another. There are widowers, unmarried single mature men or divorcees you can get to meet. Don't write yourself off but forget that man because he has moved on emotionally, mentally etc from you even though physically he is still with you.
Don't wallow in self-pity. Have faith, pray to God. There is no situation that scares him. If you believe you will also have your own kids but maybe not with the man you are with presently. You will be fine
Who told you that you will hit menopause in years time?
ReplyDeleteHmmmm, your husband is mean, he didn't even think of renting an apartment for his "second wife". Why would he tell you to leave because of another woman.
Did the doctor say you can't get pregnant? Did both of you go for medical check up?
Keep hoping and continue to carry out your duties as his wife. Miracle still happens.
Don't leave until he brings in the other woman. That's if he does.
There is a high possibility that your husband has already got someone pregnant, and if not has it been confirmed medically that you are the cause of the lack of conception? have you you both done fertility test?
ReplyDeleteIf it has been determined medically that you are the cause, my dear move on.
It's quite appalling that your husband could take such decision, where is the love.
sorry about what is happening to you at the moment
ReplyDeleteyou both should have try IVF cos you did not mention that in your chronicle
since your husband has said what is in his mind, is high time you move on and get and give him some space. He will some day bring in a child and tell you that is his child and his wife. You should be strong, i know is not easy but you have to accept life and hope on God for a miracle.
Poster, did you follow him for tests and treatment? He might even be the one with fertility issues if he has not done the above.
ReplyDeleteSeems you are not doing bad financially, why did you not try other alternatives for having a child, like surrogacy, IVF?
I don't wish infertility on my enemy, it will drain you pocket and your emotions. At a time, if you don't have good support, system. it will make you look worthless.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, take everything he said that night very serious, He has made up his mind. Forget pity party. I have never seen a friend and father as kind as Jesus. He does the impossibilities, when men say there is a casting down., that is when he takes the wheel,
Cry very well. Allow all the emotions out. Get a house far from your former house, where people don't know you.
Don't discuss this issue with anyone in your place of work. Discuss with only close family and friends till when you are emotionally healed,
Please leave that environment. Gradually disconnect from his friends and relatives and anything that reminds you about him till you find your fit emotionally.
In all you do, avoid any form of pity party. Wish him well and allow God to have his way.
I will be here to read your testimony soon.
Congratulations because our God is dependable.
Poster, I am sorry for how your marriage turned out. It's not your fault. TTC isn't a child's play. Even those that married as virgins are not exempted from this ill luck. Now that aside, what's still keeping you in this sham of a marriage? Your partner opened his mouth to tell you that you aren't worth shit and went ahead to blackmail you, using a harmless story in your past, yet you are reluctant to leave. As Stella said, your parents aren't the ones chopping insults directly from source so they are not in the right place to advise that you stay. Right now, your time is already ticking down to the second you will be thrown out and replaced with a 'younger fertile woman'. Divorce isn't always as bad as Nigerian men makes it out to be. At your age, you still have the chance to meet another man who will value you for your worth and not for the contents of your uterus. Please leave while your head is still held up high and proud. There is nothing left here to salvage.
ReplyDeletePoster, never let anyone tell you twice that they don’t want you. Your husband doesn’t want you and as hard as it may be, you have to move on, if not the rest of your life will be miserable. He will get that child by hook or crook and either abandon you inside the sham of a marriage or still pursue you out of it.
DeleteYou can still find a lifetime companion at 43. May be a never married man, a widower or divorcee. Just make sure you go for someone who will not disturb you for children as if you are the one who makes them. Then, You can either try for adoption or surrogacy or just live your life.
By the way, your husband already has a ‘wife’ in the shadows, what remains to be seen is if the person is already pregnant.
I'm so sorry ma'am..
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you much hugs & comfort from Jigawa 💜
I am so sorry to read about your predicament.
ReplyDeleteSad.
I doubt things will ever be the same in your home again given your husband's utterances.
He will probably secretly get married or have a child or children and still sell the house.
Be prepared is all I can say.
I pray God gives you many beautiful memories ahead.
You could try IVF or surrogacy if you want to.
God heal your heart and give you clarity
God have mercy! He should take easy o. He may be the problem. I pray God come through for you dear poster.
ReplyDeleteThose words hurt..I think you really need some time alone to think things through. Because he has made up his mind about getting another wife. So you need to think about your exit strategy if you want to divorce or remain the other woman. Just lookout for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI pray and hope that if you move on with ur life, that he marries someone else and not still find a child and may God bless u with a child from another person
ReplyDeleteAMEN!
DeleteHmmmm. life with all its twists and turns. No more resilience or sacrifice in marriage. No more till death do us part in marriage. People are just too selfish and only look out for themselves. Poster move out and move on
ReplyDeleteE hugs to you, I had tears in my eyes reading your story.
ReplyDeleteThe man has checked out from the marriage, if he really wanted kids, he could tell you he is taking another wife instead of speaking to you in that way and make you decide if you want to be numbered or not.
He cannot use your first marriage in the court of law for anything since the bride price was returned.
The Lord will grant you peace, it is well ma🤗
May God come through for u in a way u least expect
ReplyDeleteMy sister. All you need is prayers and hear the mind of God. gbenshing another man might not be God's perfect will for you. Seek counseling from genuine men or women of God. I can give you contact if you want. All the best dear. As a Christian,is not all advice you take
ReplyDeleteThis is so painful. Even he has said let it slide, please he has said what will do. Just be watch.
ReplyDeleteAll will be fine.
Wahala, see prayer , madam nobi Nollywood movie oo, the ways of God is different from that of man, you go shock say that man go marry another woman born children well and nothing go happen, that is God for you, his thinking is so different from ours. But sha waiting that chairman do no good at all.
ReplyDeleteMove on My Darling ,as You walk away may Almighty God be with you and grant you Your Most Special Heart Desires, May You find A God-fearing Partner who will Adores you and treat you like a Queen you are, and bless your womb with Multiple babies🙏🙏
ReplyDeleteStay blessed 🙏🙏🫂🫂
Hello iya Boys
So sorry ma,I pray the Lord gives you peace and directions.
ReplyDelete@ Poster, it is so unfortunate you are in this position. However, once a man make those declarations, he left the marriage long ago, and I won't be surprised if the second wife is living in your neighborhood already, they are just waiting for you to move out. I will say, please give them the pleasure... move out of that house, get a place of your own, and focus on God, yourself and your work.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you my own story: I was in a marriage for 8 years (exactly like you), not only was this man calling me barren woman everyday, he also physically and verbally abused me. From the 2nd year into my marriage was when the ordeal started. His family asked me to come to their village, they prepare sets of concoction for me to be taking, I was taking them religiously. After the 4th year, we went to a doctor, he said the man has low sperm count and recommended some medication, which he never took, but was always monitoring me to swallow the concoction from his parents. 7th year into the marriage, his pastor took us to a doctor, and after all the checks, the man said nothing is wrong with me, but that my ex is sterile and can never father a child..
Brethren, when we got home that day, despite that revelation from the doctor, the man beat shege out of me that I had connived with the doctor.. My people when the marriage was going to its 8th year, I accidentally saw one of my ex (who was still single at the time) and one thing led to another we had sex, I was expecting to see my period the next month it didn't happen, so I went for a test and it was confirmed I was pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to pin the pregnancy on my ex, so, I terminated it, and I filed for a divorce. We have been divorced for over 14 years now, and I finally got married to that my ex who I was pregnant for, we have had 4 children together (oldest is and in grade 7) and that my ex, as we speak have not had one child and he had gone through 4 different women, cos his family will help him chase each one that won't give birth after 2 years and get him another.
Please move out, God knows how to fight people's battle without them knowing. May be God wants you out of that place now so you could be where He wants you to be. Don't be bitter even when you leave. I told my ex on the night that I was leaving his house that I forgive him totally for all he did to me and I meant it.
I thank God for your testimony and I am glad you got a happy ending.
DeletePardon my curiosity, how did you have the emotional strength to terminate your first Pregnancy after being childless for 8 years? Weren't you afraid you may not be able to take in again? I'm just curious.
I am so happy for u
DeleteWao 😱
DeleteThank God for you🌹
DeleteWow!So happy for you,🌹❤️🥰💋we should learn from story like this,and your ex family are still blaming innocent women out there loving their son! it's well
DeleteMay God bless you with a child from someone else. Don't wait ma'am. If he can go impregnate someone with plans to marry, then don't wait, go try with someone else ASAP.
ReplyDeleteSorry @anon 16:28, I just saw your response. He wasn't sleeping with me after we returned from the doctor, and it was in between those months that I met that my ex, so if I had kept the pregnancy and seek for divorce, people will pin adultery on me. But I want the case to be clear.
DeleteYou're a bit far from menopause. My mom go pregnant at 55. She cried her eyes out. Today my 6year old son has a 3yo uncle hahahahaha 😂
ReplyDeleteOmg wow😍
DeleteAwwww is God not amazing. Sarah got pregnant at 90. 90. Like, God purposely left her barren until 90 to encourage us because she is basically our mother in faith. Don't write yourself off if you are not up to 90.
DeleteOur God is the greatest
DeletePoster, I think there is nothing to remedy here.
ReplyDeleteThat man will not change his mind because, the statements he made are TOO heavy.
I think you should dust your hat and move on.
I feel sorry for you and may God give you the strength you need because you need it. E-hugs, girl.
Got married at 30. Tried fertility treatments for 12 years including 3 IVFs, egg donor that led to 1 stillbirth. Last year while I was praying in my guest room the Holy Spirit told me it was my child’s room. As I write this, I am carrying my son of my own DNA. I was preparing for another IVF early this year when I discovered I was already pregnant, no medical assistance of any sorts.
ReplyDeleteMay the Holy Spirit lead you.
Hmmm… if only God’s children learn to wait on God and stop running up and down seeking help where there is none.
DeleteCongratulations
DeleteAmen
Glory be to God Almighty 🥰
DeleteIn the past, I would have said move out and move on, but now, I won't say that.
ReplyDeleteIf this marriage can be salvaged, make an effort to salvage it. It is a big deal to be childless, and to go through life childless, especially when one party can have a child and the other party to the marriage cannot. In an ideal world, we would ask him to just stay until pregnancy and child birth happens naturally - this is what we expect when the man loves his wife. But this is where we are, let us make some compromises and accept the situation of things.. Childlessness is a big deal, so let's not be quick to give up on the marriage.
If you can afford it, consider IVF, using donor eggs (if the doctors say that is a viable option), using your husband's sperm. Be proactive. Ask him if he is comfortable with adoption. Explore all options before moving out.
however, mentally prepare to accept the end of your marriage if things get to that point, but don't just throw things away and move on. Take a loan if necessary for the IVF. My friend used donor eggs, with her husband's sperm and they have a son now. You also need a child, so explore this option. If the marriage fails, quickly start considering adoption, so you can have a child to share your life with.
Madam please move out since like yesterday. He is not a good person, pls even if it’s a frnd or relative, move to their place while you search ur own accommodation. At this point i am aftaid on ur behalf, that man can do anything to get u out of his way inorder to marry who he wants to. Pls before he kills you in ur sleep, just quietly move out n do the process from a distance. Once a man says he is not doing again, he means it, na woman dey change mind depending on circumstances, may be money or kids, but a man??? No ways.
ReplyDeleteMay God make it easy for you.
My friend was married for 9 years to an older man desperate for children. She went through all sorts of abuse and emotional torture because she could not conceive and basically 'chopped shit' from him and his people as she believed the fault was hers.
ReplyDeleteThe marriage ended and on her first birthday after divorce, she deliberately decided to be 'reckless'. Boom! she conceived and bore a healthy baby boy.
Thank God, she didn't catch some kind of disease. People should be careful despite the pressure and not do what they will later regret.
DeleteMay the Lord grant you the wisdom to handle this dear Poster
ReplyDeleteGod is still in the business of answering prayers and yours won't be an exception. You will carry your own babies.
Ehugs
Poster if I am in your shoes I will leave. Your hubby has made up his mind. May God surprise you amen.
ReplyDeletePoster I'm so sorry for your challenges, please move out and move on,the God of multiplication will surprise you.🥰❤️🌹
ReplyDeleteWicked 🖤 it's not even about him marrying anoher wife, it's the way he's going about it with wickedness. I wonder if he ever loved you.
ReplyDeleteGod can shame him and you'll even have your baby before the wife o, na that kind man second wife dey give another man's child
Selfish man. Hmmm...
ReplyDeleteGod please fix this one oo🙏🏾
ReplyDeleteIt's very painful what you're going through..so much pressure when your are waiting for the fruit of the womb. I pray GOD comes through for you soon
ReplyDeleteDon’t move out if you can’t afford it
ReplyDeleteFind your own way
At your age, visit traditional fertility home or ivf center. Your ivf should even be backed with ogbonge traditional fertility Dr so they help you tie the pregnancy to avoid miscarriage.
ReplyDeletePoster please leave that marriage for your sanity and safety. You are not close to menopause, so there is still hope for you.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that some men are not patient with their TTC wives and some of them may be the reason for delayed conception due to low sperm count.
ReplyDeleteBut if a man has financial problem ,his wife will try her best to cover up and still remain faithful.WHY? Ineed answers.
May be the poster contributed to building the house.
Please leave in peace and allow God judge him.