MAN WITH A SECURE JOB NEEDED
Dear Stella
I am a 30 years old single lady hoping to settle down. I have always prayed to God to give me a kind man that won't be a liability.
On Instagram, a guy slide into my Dm. He introduced himself as Femi. We live in the same city, Ibadan, Nigeria. He is a 34 years old graduate that still lives with his mum. I don't even have issues with him living with his mum because his late dad built the apartment and his mum is old.
His mum has 2 children and he is the first born.His father is late. He doesn't have a stable job. He hustles as a live stock farmer and he helps people in building houses. His character is not bad but he has not gotten a good job.
I am a civil servant. Although my salary is not much but there is job security and less stress. The guy has been asking me out and asking me to be his woman. But I am seriously concerned, I want a man that has a stable job, I want to be a help mate that God has called me to be. Femi is the only toaster I have right now and the economy is not smiling, I want a working class guy because I am also a working class lady.
I feel dating a man with no stable job might prolong the courtship. I want to get married at least within a year of courtship. Should I date Femi or I should keep searching for a responsible man that has a stable job?
I am a 30 years old single lady hoping to settle down. I have always prayed to God to give me a kind man that won't be a liability.
On Instagram, a guy slide into my Dm. He introduced himself as Femi. We live in the same city, Ibadan, Nigeria. He is a 34 years old graduate that still lives with his mum. I don't even have issues with him living with his mum because his late dad built the apartment and his mum is old.
His mum has 2 children and he is the first born.His father is late. He doesn't have a stable job. He hustles as a live stock farmer and he helps people in building houses. His character is not bad but he has not gotten a good job.
I am a civil servant. Although my salary is not much but there is job security and less stress. The guy has been asking me out and asking me to be his woman. But I am seriously concerned, I want a man that has a stable job, I want to be a help mate that God has called me to be. Femi is the only toaster I have right now and the economy is not smiling, I want a working class guy because I am also a working class lady.
I feel dating a man with no stable job might prolong the courtship. I want to get married at least within a year of courtship. Should I date Femi or I should keep searching for a responsible man that has a stable job?
Do not settle for less than you deserve or for less than you want.....How can you marry someone who does not have a stable Job and you wish to settle down?If you rule out the stable Job part and do not have expectations of the person you want to be with, then you can go for Femi but also have it at the back of your mind that you might end up being a baby mama if you agree to be his woman....
So, think twice before you agree to be his woman.
Stella has said it: DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. Do be not be desperate to settle down, rush into marriage and then regret it or feel resentment towards Femi.
ReplyDeleteI dey fear anybody called femi..
DeleteIf you marry him, you will be expected to play all the traditional roles of a wife. Whi h is natural and very doable.
DeleteWhen you have children you will be expected to perform ALL the roles added. Society, His mum, and himself will expect this to be done to perfection without complaint, just 'peaceful home'.. Bear in my mind you are with a man who socialises mostly with his mum, his livestock occasional buildings
and his computers. You will be the more socially enlightened partner. This is in addition to you being the breadwinner as per stable source of income.
Everyone will look to you, including the innocent babies brought into the situation and the OAP (his mum) who you have come to add (a kind of) stress to her golden years in HER home.
Now I don't know your kind of civil servant, but mine is more demanding everyday, you will be expected to fulfil your duties timely, Stay longer when required and all that. No excuses.
If he view smally from that Instagramthat he met u and he cheats with her and u find out as the bread winner AS WELL AS major caregiver, e go pain you die and age you by decades. Na raw life truths i dey spit so.
I am just laying everything down for you from what you have stated here.
NOW LETS SAY the genders were reversed, assin the man with stable income and the woman in a part time working situation, guaranteed to be mostly at home to look after his mum, and then future kids, I for nor even type as we dey patriarchal society and such arrangement, that won't hurt naija male ego, is the norms and usual practice in gender roles.
Terrible to feel desperate as a woman, but it is all laid down for you to decide.
Kai Stella o
DeleteMao Akuh
Don't do it. The marriage will experience serious shaking if you try this. Don't let anyone lie to you, money is the bedrock of a stable home.
ReplyDelete@Poster, if you guys name is really Femi run oh. The guy is a serial womanizer, all he said is format to get into you, then he starts acting up.
DeleteI sincerely hope all ladies looking to settle down meet serious responsible men but we have too much vagabons out there.
May God help us
Dear Poster, you never ready ooo. God bless your searching and deliver the right man
ReplyDelete30 isn’t old. In fact I don’t think anyone should settle at any age. Stick by your principles and deal breakers.
ReplyDeleteYou should remain friends with Femi and nothing more. Simply because he doesn’t tick the boxes you want in a partner. If financial security is a deal breaker for you, then that’s perfectly fine and reasonable.
Let him know you’re not interested without explanation, don’t apologize but thank him for wanting to explore a relationship. Be firm, brief and polite.
If he should keep pushing for reasons, tell him that you’re simply not interested and if he still keeps pushing, cut him off.
It is well
ReplyDeleteGod will grant You
Your Most Special Heart Desires 🙏🙏
Hello iya Boys
I really don't understand you because you stated that he is a livestock farmer and he does other side jobs.
ReplyDeleteWe both know how the situation of the country is. Its not as if he is idle. Or just simple say you want a civil servant like yourself or a salary earner instead of making it sound like he isn't fending for himself.
Anyways, it also seems you don't really like him but if you do, have you discussed your fears with him and find out what his plans are? Have you also prayed?
God bless you.
DeleteWomen will tell themselves and their likes never to settle for less but will encourage a wealthy man to marry a broke lady. Why the double standard?
I can never take women here serious.
© TEEJAY
@Teejay, because many of these broke men are not good!
DeleteThey expect so much and give nothing but trouble, stress and occasional care to keep the lady confused.
Once the man makes a breakthrough, his Ego will then be all that matters. He focuses on the woman lapses and do what pleases him. Men wicked oo, na out of experience we dey give advise.
Broke man and Broke woman aren't the same, you should know this already
@Bee
Delete"Broke man and Broke woman aren't the same, you should know this already"
Not correct. Money reveals the true character of all human beings.
Even a broke woman reveals herself in her richer husband's house to the same husband who married her as a broke woman that could barely feed herself and who starts feeding her 3 times plus a day.
An orphaned female child grows up into a young woman of menial means and unstable abode. Seven years in marriage where she could for the first time freely make decisions of her life and at least not worry over food and shelter. What does she ask her husband? Who you be? Wetin you do do for mean sef?
Life and categorical statements!
Here we again, generalising, sorry ma'am do you know this particular man the poster is talking about? How do you know he is going to disappoint her when he made it? I don tire for una matter for this blog seriously.
DeleteAnon 18:37, you are right. It's a human thing both men and women.
DeleteThough due to the positioning it affects women more, you should know not every woman date / marry rich or men that provide. A bulk of ladies date regular guys and we are tired of them taking advantage of the situation.
@Last born, if you tire for this truth, imagine how more tired I am. It's best we prepare the Poster for the reality so she makes her decision and manage her expectations oh, instead of hoping the guy is different and get a huge blow at the end.
Iree oo
Dear Poster Please don't allow pity or desperation make you take a wrong decision.....You have said you want a working class guy...You know what you want already...If he does not click what you want, please allow him go so he can date his kind.....Truth is not everyone can be a working class guy or lady, it is more of skill based or handywork skills are now in demand......
ReplyDeleteIf you wanna compromise, then ask him what are his plans especially financially and career/occupation wise in the next future.......Ask a lot of relevant questions before you decide you want to date him or not......At the end, use your head, think deeply & pray to God....
All the best
You can help Femi find employment in the public service if you truly love him and he fulfills all of your desires in a partner.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, please reconsider before becoming a baby mama if Femi is acting haughty or exhibiting other warning signs due to his lack of a permanent employment.
The Nigerian economy is not doing well, T-Pain every where.
Wetin be this? Leave him alone. When you ladies clock 30, the desperation will start. Dem take marriage swear for una ni? I'm a Lady and 36. I'm not desperate one bit.
ReplyDeleteLolz, I think we have always desired marriage from birth. What happens in our 20s is mostly not being bold enough to demand what we want, leaving too much in the hands of Bf, waiting for the "unserious" guy to propose. It's usually in our 30s we became more bold and don't want to waste time dating due to biological clock issues.
DeleteFor guys asking why girls waste their 20s. The answer is simple, we are sacrificial in nature, believe it or not. Many girls don't even know themselves yet till late 20s, and oh, there weren't suitors as you think.
Is he a graduate? If yes, then you can connect him to suitable jobs. If he builds houses for people, then he has a job even better than a salary earner.
ReplyDeleteEveryone mustn't be working for someone or government. His a boss on his own. He can decide to set up a farm produce shop. Or don't traders get married?
What I will advise you is to find a man who genuinely love you. With the little he's making you both can set up something lucrative that will be bringing money.
The money bag you will go for may also see you as below his level as well. Your priority should be to focus if he's a disciplined man with potentials. Don't women marry teachers? How much are teacher's salary?
All the best to you.
© TEEJAY
I applaud Femi for his honesty, that shows he has decent character to a degree. However, if your salary is not much why would you be interested in someone who makes way less, also he is not a social person. Even in his work he has very little contact with people. He did not meet you organically and he lives with his parent, never having gone out to explore the world and see life. People like him prefer to be alone and a woman is different from a farm animal or a computer. Leave that man alone, don’t even try for a friendship. There are glaring red flags. I am almost certain it is his mother who is telling him that he needs to settle down and find a wife of his own now, if he won’t give her grandbabies before she dies.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know what tommorow holds for him. He doesn't have a job today doesn't mean that he won't be lucky tomorrow. Don't pressure him to get a job so he won't pretend to be searching for one. Date him as see how eager he is in searching for a job. Relax and observe him. Some of these guys whose parents already built a house for them to be collecting house rent don't put much effort in building their own house and searching for a good source of livelihood.
ReplyDeleteRemember, you don't have to tell him the exact amount you earn until the relationship well defined and solid.
You're not supposed to be confused at all because,Femi did not meet your requirements.
ReplyDeleteIn this day and age, no man or woman who has not attained a certain level of financial stability should be looking for girlfriend or boyfriend truly. There should be a law against it. Even to japa you need proof of funds, spare yourself the PTSD and mind your business until it matures.
ReplyDeleteWhy not just calm down and let things play out the way God wants it to? Relax and live your life, things will fall in place.
ReplyDeletethe problem we Nigerian girls have is that we think date is equals to marriage. Nne date Femi and if you don’t like it go. We are so quick to plan marriage from the first date. Sometimes in dating you are able to analyze better.
ReplyDeleteTruly, Femi hasn't said a word of marriage. The guy just wants to date
DeleteIf you know you can't cope with him, please find someone else, don't be desperate to settle down.
ReplyDeleteDear Femi
ReplyDeleteGod bless you richly
For not being lazy, doing different things even though what you are waiting for hasn’t come
For staying with your mom in her old years, for loving a parent, you have empathy
For caring for animals , it takes a large heart to
For being sincere with who you are, in this day and age of fake it till you make it
You are rich in fact wealthy
Wealthy in humanity
I genuinely pray that God Almighty gives a woman who is yours. The actual bone of your bone
The one who sees you as God sees you
I celebrate you
Thank you for staying with your mom
That is a huge blessing
Dear young lady
You are not a bad person, you have expectations which is absolutely normal
But you see this man,he is living his comfortable life,it’s not what you really want
Years after you may look back in regret
I doubt Femi is interested in more ,like work and much more cash
He seems happy and at peace
It’s beautiful your paths crossed but leave him alone
WELL SAID.
DeleteYou said he is into livestock farming and also helps people in building houses means he is not a lazy man.
ReplyDeleteIf you do not want him because he does not have a 9 to 5 job like you then let him go.
Poster, I wouldn't say you should compromise your standard because you want to marry, but sometimes there is advantage when both partners are not salary earners, at least one will have a flexible time for the family. Since he isn't lazy, if he was that would have been a red flag, and you said his character isn't bad, well , if it's a working class husband you want , you can help him secure a salary paying job ,but if you are not settled within , pray about this because once you start having this kind of doubt or cold feet follow your instincts, don't be desperate. Don't tell him that it's because he isn't a working class guy you ain't interested in him, just tell him you ain't interested, that you can only be friends nothing more.
ReplyDeleteDate/marry a guy that is financially stable
ReplyDeleteDon't settle for less cuz of age or pressure
May God see you through
Many guys aren't financially stable and even the ones that are, are not looking for ladies.
DeleteIt's well
I think you should ask him some certain questions indirectly or you look out for certain information when you discuss with him; what are his goals and the steps he's taking to achieve them.
ReplyDeleteHe might be on a journey to somewhere big and great, check his potentials. This present economy is not fair to the youth, in whatever you do, don't pick a laid-back person with little aspirations except you are one yourself.
Felicity
Look for someone else, poster.
ReplyDeleteI don't have strength to type.
This same guy can come off rich and Prosperous tomorrow. You as a woman carry a blessing and will definitely be a favour to the man. Do not use today to determine what tomorrow would be. Most rich men had a time in their lives when they did not know where the next meal may come from.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the character of the man? There are other things to look out for...
Of what value is a man of good Character?
DeleteWe don't judge men by character this side of the world.
That is how we decide on who to vote for at elections.
We collect N500 inside loaf of bread or two yards of low quality ankara to sell our votes, then cry pain for each circle of 8 years.
That is why we read chronicle from the wife who gbenshes estate gate man ONLY because her husband is "arrogant". And after she is satiated or guilt stricken, she wants the same husband to get the gate man sacked.
Character is valueless.
No matter that only a characterless man is most likely to be arrogant husband.
I will always advise any lady to not settle for less. If I told you guys what am facing now eeheee hmmmmm.
ReplyDeleteMay God Answer your prayers Amen!
ReplyDeleteJesus fix this one ooo
Anybody wey dey bear Femi no dey always dey good. I hate to generalize,but that name get one kind spirit wey dey follow dem. Hahaha!
ReplyDeleteposter face front, do not allow femi to distract you from great suitors. Do not date him cos of all his stories just focus on something useful for now.
ReplyDeleteI am the POSTER. Femi keeps emphasizing that his mum don't want a liability. I don't have connections to secure him a stable job even if the man is earning 100k I don't mind I will combine my salary with his although am 30 but my colleagues are saying I should help him to establish his pig business but I don't earn much. I feel at 34 he shouldn't be living with his parents. I am feeling is my expectations not too high?
ReplyDeletePoster what do you say that the mum said she don't want a liability,so you re the uplifted that will ll be looking for a job for his son ,I beg you in thr name of God abort mission , before you know it they start saying its because you have a job that's why you re rude.
DeleteLeave him biko your own will come just cancel the ship pray and move ahead , once you start compromising you ll be the breadwinner tmrw and by then you ll choked ,resentment will set in and you ll send another chronicle
Dear Poster, I will not advise you to go into any relationship with this man.... I'm not saying that he's not for you o but it may lead to marriage & what happens when you both start having children, their well-being, schooling etc? Love alone cannot keep a marriage, you both hav to be financially stable ♥️💰
DeleteDon’t give him money but you can help him establish
DeleteThat pig business is not bad. If he really is a hustler you can find a way to grow the business
But first, do you like Femi. Do you enjoy his company? Do you want to be his woman? If yes then what did Femi study? Mention here because someone might be able to connect him with a better job
@Last born, see I hadn't even read from the poster, you see Femi and his mum's words of not wanting liability.. you guys know nothing about how entitled many of these regular guys are, I speak on this cos I date them.
DeletePoster, my advise to you is not too do pass your power oh, please try avoiding investing your little money in his pig business, use your money to take care of yourself and make you happy. Your concerns that he still lives at 34 with his mum are valid. A man must leave his abode and face life, that's what makes him a man.
Please eventhough it seems there are no other options, do you for now. Another guy will come. Goodluck
Tor, his mum don't want liability, thereby speaking his mind too.
DeleteLet me repost here.
If you marry him, you will be expected to play all the traditional roles of a wife. Whi h is natural and very doable.
When you have children you will be expected to perform ALL the roles added. Society, His mum, and himself will expect this to be done to perfection without complaint, just 'peaceful home'.. Bear in my mind you are with a man who socialises mostly with his mum, his livestock occasional buildings
and his computers. You will be the more socially enlightened partner. This is in addition to you being the breadwinner as per stable source of income.
Everyone will look to you, including the innocent babies brought into the situation and the OAP (his mum) who you have come to add (a kind of) stress to her golden years in HER home.
Now I don't know your kind of civil servant, but mine is more demanding everyday, you will be expected to fulfil your duties timely, Stay longer when required and all that. No excuses.
If he view smally from that Instagramthat he met u and he cheats with her and u find out as the bread winner AS WELL AS major caregiver, e go pain you die and age you by decades. Na raw life truths i dey spit so.
I am just laying everything down for you from what you have stated here.
NOW LETS SAY the genders were reversed, assin the man with stable income and the woman in a part time working situation, guaranteed to be mostly at home to look after his mum, and then future kids, I for nor even type as we dey patriarchal society and such arrangement, that won't hurt naija male ego, is the norms and usual practice in gender roles.
Terrible to feel desperate as a woman, but it is all laid down for you to decide.
I wonder what his mother means by she doesn’t want a liability. Hmmmmm. She has obviously formed an opinion of you and it’s not favourable. Use wisdom and discernment and do not do anything because of desperation.
Delete"His mum doesn't want liability"... even if you are a mum's boy, common sense should tell him what not to say. Leave Femi for his mum.
DeleteWhy will you be the one to establish his pig business?do start playing hod in his life. You need to take it easy on yourself to avoid marrying a man you will end up feeding because you are 30.
You kind of seems too worried, relax before you enter one chance marriage.
Felicity
Live-stock farming, if he puts his true back into it, is not an unstable means of income. He might even earn higher than you as a civil servant. I always preach marrying your class and I think he is your class even though he has a blue collar job.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteI am happy you have a clear idea about the kind of values and aspirations you want to work with about marriage and starting a family.
What I think you should do is break it down further one after the other and take an in-depth look at dy/dx=dx/dy as follows: plot your graph, find your gradient and see that it matches.
You also mentioned that you seek a stable and responsible partner, which is understandable, considering you are a working-class woman yourself. But maybe think deeply about what "stability" will mean to you outside of having a nine-to-five job. While Femi does not have a nine-to-five job, he hustles and works in construction and on farms. These may eventually yield stable returns in the long run, especially if he is committed to growth. More importantly, one should seek to know whether Femi is seeking a long-term sustainability goal and whether he has any plans to enhance his financial situation.
He has a good character, which is important, as you said. Not demeaning the status of money in married life, being kind and sharing values with a supportive relationship is often more critical in the long run compared to financial security. You may want to reflect on his motivation and openness for growth. A motivated morally correct man can give you stability, but only if his current lifestyle coincides with your long-term goals anyway.
You said you want an intentional relationship that culminates into marriage within a year. That's quite a great timeline for courtship if you are mentally ready, too; sometimes, it is beyond the financial aspect. You must discuss your timeline with Femi irrespective of his present work situation. As things may drag on due to his situation at work, open communication can make you find out if he shares your expectations for marriage.
* You've prayed for a good man, and your partner seems like a good one. But wisdom and faith go together. Even though you might be the only working-class person in the relationship, it might still be worthwhile to consider it if his outlook on life and his outlook on the future are similar to yours. If not, it's okay to keep searching for someone whose objectives and situation are more similar to your own.
It all boils down to whether you believe this relationship can provide you both with emotional and pragmatic stability for the two of you to build on together. Married life is a serious business that one shouldn't survive but thrive through with an optimistic mindset, peaceful even with all its rancour. Listen to your gut instinct and allow yourself to talk to him about your apprehensions truthfully and candidly. Choose what you think will make you happy.
What is wrong with a livestock farmer that has a side hustle? You want a civil servant that would have job security and can't rent a decent house with the salary being paid.
ReplyDeleteIf you are a woman and you are not ready to support your husband with at least 40-50% of your salary if he is an average earning Nigerian, then you have no business getting married.
85% of the families I know, there a point that the woman had to take up all the responsibilities of the household because of job loss, illness or going to further his education.
As you are praying for a financially stable husband, think of a business to start since you are one of those the govt is paying to do the bare minimum. Thank you.
Whenever I pray for my husband, I pray for myself twice as much for the blessings I want for him
Poster pls don't settle for because when responsibilities comes up love will fly through the windows.
ReplyDeleteMostly dating a guy that lives in family us is always
Just do you and be fine. What works for you might spoil mine so pls just do whatever makes you sleep better at night.
ReplyDeleteHow serious is femi in this relationship? I have seen so many couples started small and they are living their dreams life,but dont be desperate because you're 30yrs
ReplyDeleteYour marital expectations and worldviews appear far apart. Based on the tenor of your post, he appears laid back and you may likely stress him.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you both will have to live with his parents for more years than you can cope with. You are a stable income seeking wife (civil service or paid worker worldview) willing to be a help meet. He is a halfhearted entrepreneur; at least in your view because your chronicle does not exude any trust in his hustles.
He needs a woman who can provide at least for herself alone happily as you are now and for the home without resentment before things pickup or are slow. That is the message in what “his mother said”.
Only a stoic and risk taking woman who encourages quietly can be with him until he achieves full success or stay with him in his lateral or up going state. Are you that type of a woman? Very unlikely hence you sent this chronicle.
And please do not set up a farm for him. Let him find a way to do that. The fear of losing his start-up capital will fire him to work harder. Without that fear, most halfhearted business starters give in easily. If you marry him, you can join in with expansion capital when the business starts moving.
Mr. Mann
I think you are equating having a paid employment with being financially comfortable. This is not totally true. This Femi guy might be richer than you as we speak. If he is doing his livestock farming very well with his building contractor side hustle, he might actually be a silent millionaire.
ReplyDeleteTo clear your doubts, this guy is very enterprising and, from what you said, he loves you and he is interested in marriage, this is a good guy to marry. Go for him. With the current situation in Nigeria, this is the kind of guy that will make money very well (farmers, livestock farmers, inventors, etc) before other people open their eyes.
Marry him if he is serious.
Take it to God in prayer. He may be the one, but because he doesn't appear in the package you expect, you are tempted to push him away. We can only advise you, but only God can give you clarity and divine direction in matters like this.
ReplyDeleteI understand you like what you like, but if after praying you have peace in your heart concerning him, then know this: the man in question has a job and also has a side hustle, which means he isn't lazy nor thinks himself too big to accept menial jobs despite being a graduate. Neither does he sit around waiting for manna to fall from heaven; he goes out and gets busy.
The thing with wanting a financially stable partner is that a lot of these men won't get to that stage while single. Most would have had a long-time girlfriend who has been there for them before they became the attractive men you see today. Besides, you won't always get every desirable quality you want in a person right off the bat; you must be patient enough to leave room for growth and offer support because it takes time.
Everyone is looking for refined products, but nobody wants raw materials while every other important virtue is shoved aside. Not his mom telling him not to go for a "liability." What if the woman God wants for him will be a liability for two years before she evolves? Where is the place of prayer and God's will in all of this?
Anyway, if after praying you are certain he isn't the one, don't date him out of pity, fear of being lonely, or due to a scarcity mentality. Be patient; your man will come, but note, he may/may not be a working-class man at the end of the day.
For all i know this Femi guy isn't idle or jobless. Not like he has so many siblings to shoulder their responsibilities. Well, you already have your spec, so do what you want. Do not act desperate, because you're already giving yourself a time frame which is fine, but be wise
ReplyDeleteWhen you get married, you will realize that love is not enough. Think clearly before making your decision
ReplyDelete