Hmmmmm....
SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED
Good day Stella. Please help me post.
Stella I'm pregnant. The pregnancy is stressing me out. I cannot come and join another stress to it in the name of gift. That's why I'm telling him on time so that when the time comes and I say no, it won't take him by surprise.
My son is old enough to start school and me and my husband agreed to put him in a school close to our house which is also affordable.
We found a school that was like 90k first term to reduce to 50k for the remaining 2 terms. It is quite affordable and it's also a missionary school so their educational system is good.
It is like less than 5 minutes walk from our house which is even better for us. My sister in-law said she wants him to go to a good school and there is one near her office. School fees is almost 700k and she's going to pay.
I am extremely grateful for this show of love. My only challenge is the distance.
The school is on the opposite end of town and it's like 6k-7k to and fro with public transport. Not to talk of the physical stress of going all the way across town after work. I simply told him that since he has chosen to accept that gift, he should take responsibility for the gift he has accepted.
He has to make arrangements to take our son to and bring him back from school. He flared up and started shouting about how ungrateful I am. That if he can't pick him, I must go and pick him up.
I must make sacrifices for our son to have good education. Someone that was seriously advocating for affordability and no transportation cost o.
Stella I'm pregnant. The pregnancy is stressing me out. I cannot come and join another stress to it in the name of gift. That's why I'm telling him on time so that when the time comes and I say no, it won't take him by surprise.
I was already stressed up reading this and when i got to the part where you said you were pregnant, i became upset...Some Nigerian men have no right marrying because of how their mindset is...some are wicked,emotionally unreachable and rigid......Why not opt for peace of mind?..Are you not able to communicate with your sister in law?If she can pay so much as gift ,make she kuku add car...hisssssss
Please tell your sister in law what is going on if you talk on a friendly level with her? I hope that your husband is not abusinve cos he might resort to that if his sister says she is no longer interested.
Please insist that your child goes to the school you can easily access...
Please nobody should focus on my advice, give yours and keep it moving.
Make she kuku dash una the money.
ReplyDeleteCos even with a car, the distance is too much and will be stressful for the kid.
Also, what happens when she stops paying. I don't think the man thought this through.
Moreover, shouldn't the child's mother be consulted before making decisions about her child especially where there's a prior arrangement?
She should talk to her husband when he's in a better mood and if she has good rapport with the sister in law, she should explain her concerns to her too.
I don't like this type of arrangement; I agree with you that she should dash them the money, and what is the sister's business in knowing the type of school her nephew is going to? She should leave your family to grow and enjoy your humble beginnings that's what makes a marriage enjoyable in the later years, and not keep poking her nose into your affairs. As for your husband, he is not being reasonable. He should put himself in your position. Madam, you must take your stand well; don't let his anger scare you. I noticed that when husbands realized their wives could not be pushed around, they would calm down. If he is ready for such free gift, let him also enjoy the stress attached to it alone.
DeleteStella you are totally right on this one. This is from a personal experience. poster never accept this because he knows he would not pick up that child up to even one month before totally leaving it for you. Only accept if you are sure you can run it personally
ReplyDeletePoster this is not peculiar to your husband...Most people think that expensive school fees is equal to quality education which is so so wrong and a fallacy.....Why didn't your husband bring you into this discussion before making such decision.....Paying 700k is too much and how about maintaining consistency over the years....What if something comes up and your sister in law can keep up anymore.......Your husband is just living like the Joneses and wants to feel among the rich kids.....
ReplyDeleteNo problem thank her for helping with the school fees, tell your husband to add money for school bus to carry her son to and fro or he must carry his son everyday from school since he consented it...Tell your doctor to give you a note stating strict bedrest and avoiding any form of stress due to your pregnancy...Tell him your doctor said no sternous work and act the role very well...make everybody kukuma dey craze together......
All the best.....
* can't
Delete* to carry his son
* can't
Delete* to carry his son
Very good advise. some husbands just love that crazy part of thier wives
DeleteI became tired reading your write up! Because I can pick the stress you would go through with or without pregnancy! And I can assure you that if your husband can't force you to agree with him, he's going to guilt trip you( if that hasn't already started) . The only recourse you have now is to talk to your sister in law, let her. Know you appreciate the gift, let her know the reasons why you have picked the school. Let her know that the stress would affect the little boy's health( I can assure you, it will). Let her see reasons with you, birthday don ever make it seem as if you resent or don't want her gift.
DeleteThis is heart breaking to read. Even if she's not pregnant; the stress alone is on another level. Please talk with your sister inlaw as Stella said. That the school fees is 700k does not mean they will teach better than the school of 90k. And what if tomorrow your sister inlaw is not able to meet up with paying the fees in the middle of a school session, what now happens?
ReplyDeleteYour husband is not being considerate and reasonable on this matter abeg.
700k for school fees from someone else is not something I will advise u to take. What happens tomorrow if she stops or is unable to help anymore? You will now take the boy from such big school to a much lowly one.
ReplyDeleteDo u know how indebted you’d have to be to someone that helps u pay 700k school fees for ur child?
Well, if they insist that they want ur child to go to such school, can’t they find something closer to ur home for easy pick up and drop off?
Finally, maybe if there’s option of school bus, they should kuku pay for it because pregnant or not, a woman still deserves her comfort.
6 to 7k for transport fare everyday or a month?
ReplyDeleteEven if you had a car specially for his school runs, it's still not healthy for your son. The stress will be too much for him. He may even sleep when he gets to school every morning.
Since your husband wouldn't listen to you, call your your sister in-law in his absence and gently explain everything to her. Tell her that there are schools as good as the one she wants your son to attend close or not too far from where you live with same fee.
The money for transportation in a month is enough to pay for the school you and and your husband wanted your son to attend .
You can still convince your husband by making him see reasons why your son shouldn't be stressed all in the name of going to school.
If you ask this sister in-law to be supporting you people with 50k every term so the child can go to the school near by, her type will not do oo.. Poster you can’t go through that stress even if you’re not pregnant. Let your husband register for school bus so the school bus can be picking and dropping him. If he’s not okay with it poster reject the offer. No body should kpai you before your time.
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
How long is she willing to sustain this offer? Hopefully she won’t pay for one year and start complaining of finances? Have this conversation with your husband. Ask him what is the sustainability plan if his sister stops? Will he withdraw the child or pick up and hopefully he will be able to sustain it else na frustration if his salary can’t keep up and he shouldn’t pour nor transfer his frustration on you. Sha have a calm conversation with him. You know him better than us. Emphasis on sustainability and the need for more funds as a baby is on the way.
DeleteGoodluck 🙌🏽
Dear Poster, your son is just starting school. What's with the 700k worth of school when it is not convenient?Thank your sister inlaw and make her see that for the obvious reasons you have stated it can't work.
ReplyDeleteAlso find a convenient time to talk with your husband. What is the objective of taking your son to an expensive school? Isn't it the same thing he will learn except maybe the food or the playground???
You shouldn't live on someone's expense. In the long run, you may not be able to have a say.
Take a decision on what you (you and hubby) want and put your foot down. Don't forget to show appreciation for the kind gesture.
In 3yrs time will she be willing to pay for the school?
What if tomorrow the sister in-law can't meet up with paying the school fees?
ReplyDeleteWhat will happen?
Can your family continue to afford the fees for your child?
Since it's not a stated scholarship which I'm sure of the duration,the Realist in me won't accept the offer if I were you both,because of many eventualities or inconveniences;and also because life has taught me that people change,or life itself could also happen to anyone(both rich and poor);so I rather stick to what I can afford at my own pace and God's grace,than rush to a luxury I can't continue to afford at that moment financially,if anything goes wrong for my benefactor.
Wish you both the best.
@MARTINS
I have the same mindset as yours.
DeleteWhat of if she couldn't continue the N700k payment in future, can the husband afford the luxury?
I would rather suggest the family stick to what is currently available and shouldn't go for what is not possibly affordable in the future.
Transport alone is 30k weekly, 120k per term. What will happen if your sil doesn't keep to her promise?
ReplyDeleteDo your calculation again
DeleteStella I will focus on your advise o bcos what you said is 💯 correct. Greedy man. He is not thinking of next term o. Only looking at the now...what if something happens and the sister cannot meet up with paying up next term, what then happens?
ReplyDeleteEducationist adviced that when picking a school for a child,one should think of proximity because some kids spends unnecessary hours on the road which make them inactive in class and too tired when they get home which inturns affect them academically.
ReplyDeleteSpending #7,000 per day on transportation is not
a good one even most salary earner will never spend that much on transportation,most stay in places close to their work place and go home by weekend because of stress,so why stress a child because of gift,that can be easily saved in a bank and use it to cater for an affordable education in your area.
Your husband has to view things from your point without been pregnant moving around isn't easy let alone being pregnant...
I used to be like you, work in the office that i feel is not properly routed, i will be speaking my mind upandan, and others will be silent about it, but wud still do what’s in their mind. So when the chips are down while others also didn’t do the work, but because i was the one that spoke my mind initially and made it known that i won’t do, i end up getting blamed, at some point i was even told that i was leading a protest, imagine.
ReplyDeleteThe point i’m trying to make here is, madam learn the art of silence, it is not always practical to speak ur mind the way it is, esp as a married woman. So when you noticed that his mind was made up about the gift, u wud have just kept quiet and tagged along, when the time comes, and you start, u ‘break down’ if you know what i mean. He would eventually end up doing the sch runs, when the stress is too much for him, he would decline the gift, even if not for ur stress but for the cost of fuel to go that far for sch runs.
Learn the art of silence, i am also learning. Keep quiet first, so no one knows what u have up ur sleeves, then go ahead and do what is on ur mind.
I’m also learning the art of silence ( ignoring) but not in all cases. If it directly affects me I speak up immediately, in this case she needs to speak up Now,because they are about to start what they can not finish. School runs can kill someone faster than you think, stress of waking up early, distance, financial stress, safety ( bcos you are always on the road,even for emergency reasons….. please poster, speak up now!! Also she may not be able to pay that amount next term and they may also increase the fees…. Bottom line anything can happen so stand your ground and don’t agree to it.
DeleteI'm an advocate for a good school, but not when it stresses one out, even the child will be stressed out mentally and physically by the time he gets home. If you guys are not living in a residential area, why not pack to a place closer to the school.
ReplyDeleteTouch wood...but should something happen to your sister in law in the near future, what becomes of your child's education?
ReplyDeleteWhat if unexpected expenses crop-up, leaving her money tied up elsewhere?
Ask your husband if he can comfortably pay the tuition, in these scenarios.
Or does he plan on withdrawing and re-enrolling your son when/if his sister has money??
Talk to you sis in law and let her know your concerns. Lay everything on the table to her.
This is the second time in a few days I have gotten to read about sisters-in-law on this blog, and the love and concern they show their nieces and nephews is really commendable. It is good to read that not all sisters-in-law or in-laws are bad, as some presume. Chronicles such as this are uplifting, a deviation from the "norm."
ReplyDeleteYou said your child is old enough to start school, which means s/he is still a toddler, right? Honestly, I don't think it's mandatory to spend so much at this age for the level of education s/he is at. When s/he has gotten older, then the discussion can be had—that's if she is still interested in assisting, of course.
But if your husband still insists, why don't you go ahead and discuss it with her instead? A sister who would love to pay for her brother's child's tuition, knowing fully well she would always have to step up to the plate till God knows when, I believe, isn't someone you should find it hard to express yourself to. She is open about being a part of the whole process beyond the financial aspect. She wants to be involved; don't push her aside, share your concerns with her.
Your husband is not seeing things from your angle right now because he sees this as a rare opportunity, and it would be unwise of him to let such slip from his fingers, but he needs to know that when a blessing comes with unbearable discomfort, it is okay to let it go. Besides, she is his sister, not a stranger; she can always help when the time is right, and the situation is different.
Your sister-in-law, on the other hand, knowing how far the distance from your place is to her office, yet suggesting such an enticing offer, probably thinks you and your brother would find your way around it—that is if you agree to accept it. I don't think she is enforcing it, or is she? So don't be upset with her, but know this: it is not uncommon for the person offering support not to find it hard to understand the discomfort their proffered help may bring to the receiver. They can't just see the whole picture clearly as you do. It is not intentional.
I hope it gets resolved.
Poster, what happens if by chance your sister in-law defaults to pay the fees? Anything can happen at anytime. Please make your hubby understand.
ReplyDeleteThe Only Constant thing in Life is Change.
ReplyDeleteYour SIL can change,Things can change for Good or Bad. Accepting a N700k school fees as a Gift is " Long Throat" when in reality You both can only Afford N50k school fees.
Your Husband should not start what he can not Afford,Continue.
Continue talking with your Husband, Try and make him see where you are coming from,Your SIL might not understand Your misgiving and will end up misunderstanding your complain,She wont understand how,why you will want to reject " A N700,000 worth of free school fees.
Beside i thought we are Expected to Cut our clothes according to our Material ????
Reading comments 📍
ReplyDeleteThat child is too young for such stress! You know your husband, let him know that though the offer is free but the long-term inconvenience will take a toll on your child's physical and mental health.
ReplyDeleteEven as an adult, going from Lagos mainland to the Island for work is exhausting! The sister can open a trust fund for the child to support his secondary and tertiary educator. May your husband receive the grace to say no to this enticement.
Exactly 💯 likr open a trust fund.. Thank you
DeleteExactly 💯 likr open a trust fund.. Thank you
DeleteYou see schools like this, 700k aside..... Occasionally other expenses will come up aside from the school fees Please who will pay for it (excursion,parties,other activities)sister in law?
ReplyDeleteMe I'm happy for that offer but to be truthfully because of distance i will talk to her cos that child is too tender to be waking up too early to meet up with assembly, why not rather look for a good school around your vicinity and sister in law still pay because clearly she wants the best for that child.
Poster, I sense that your sister inlaw is the good type and your kid can be safe woth her.
ReplyDeletelet the child stay with your sister inlaw, since the school is closer to her or her workplace.
You can get your child to spend weekend with you.
This will reduce some stress for you especially now that you're expecting.
Huh??????? Huh??????
DeleteTufiakwa
DeleteYou people didn't go to ask for help with school fees, why do some people like to meddle in other people's lives?! There are some core responsibilities of a parent that should be left for them and their children's well fare is one of them. Someone can offer a man means to make oney or even raw cash and let him be the one who makes vital decisions in his home.
ReplyDeletePoster, your position is valid and you are very right laying your cards on the table about the inconveniences this "favour" brings. I am sure this said child is just a toddler and ideally should even be home sucking mommy's breasts if not for this our modern style of pushing babies into classrooms as early as 2.
Hmmm on point
DeleteHmmm on point
DeleteQuotes from chronicle:
ReplyDeleteI must make sacrifices for our son to have good education. Someone that was seriously advocating for affordability and no transportation cost o."
"the physical stress of going all the way across town after work"
Selfish father focused on awuff
Selfish mother focused on no stress and seeking expected validation with some insults thrown at 'some' Nigerian men as if men from other races would not be greedy as this man if that is in their character.
Would the debate really an aggro) between the couple have been different if it was focused on the wear and tear of the long distance on the child, a school beginner?. That fact was not mentioned in the chronicle.
Both parents (and the good SIL) are overlooking the fact that the distance will wear out the child and negate any quality learning the child will get at the FAR AWAY school. oth parents are focused on who will have the final say in the house. The proverbial I am the head and I am the neck debacle.
Poster and husband are thinking only about themselves. That is why there is this chronicle
U for use ur ID. If u never find way to blame wife even though blameless in the write up, you will not type.
DeleteCases are won by presentation. Even here, she didn't make a case for her child. Only her. He too is thinking only him.
DeleteIf she wants to reject the "good sisterly" offer, she may still need to use the inconveniences the child will face otherwise she would appear an ingrate.
Other suggestions of contribution to the fees of a nearer school have been made to Poster. Those can be thrown in as alternatives. A good intentioned helper will take any accepted opportunity to help
Yes. Good cases can be spoiled by bad handling. She is spoiling her good case by the way she is going about it. The bole ka ja way. She may win the battle and be losing the plot.
A human is not bad or good simply by the type of P the person has by nature .
Before I forget, I don't have a Blog ID and don't need one. Even without one, you appear to know my comments 🤭. Or so you think 😁.
If She Dash you that money is not bad oooo
ReplyDeleteWetin them dey tech for that 700k school that can't be taught in the one close to your house..
If someone is doing something he should think of tomorrow
If tomorrow come reach she can't meet up kwanu
If your Oga And SIL in insist please tell them how it will not be Convenient for you
Then the both of them can take it up There
Pele dear🫂🫂🫂
Hello iya Boys
Find a way of telling her the challenges that comes with it, so it won't seem as if you are ungrateful, and since your husband is not ready to assist.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is be careful of the ' devil's gift' ? This one is gift with stress added to it, plus being indebted and not being able to be assertive when you have to. This requires wisdom as your husband seems quite touchy about the subject..ask God for wisdom..your husband is being quite unreasonable about this issue I must say!
ReplyDeleteMost marriage crisis are caused by third parties.yes, the devil use them a lot to bring enemity between happy couples.
ReplyDeletePoster,I will advice you to pray and let God intervene because it's important your hubby listens to you at this time and not his sister.you need wisdom to make your hubby dance to your tune.
In Esther 5:2, And it was so when the king saw Esther the queen standing in the court, she obtained favor in his sight.
God will give you the wisdom to overcome the challenges of marriage.
Poster abeg bring update o make we know as the matter take end. God bless and keep you.
ReplyDeletePoster I'm pregnant we wanted to change my sons school but cos of the stress I told my husband ,you re abroad na only dey run am o I don't want to be waiting for school bus to drop my kids cos most times ,they drop others before yours or pick others before yours. I don't have that kind of energy.
ReplyDeleteThat's how I embraced my peace in your case no gree o your kid it's too tender fir that stress. Have an agreement with him pls you need the peace of mind there is nothing Luke close by school is less stressful plus your condition
Nigerian marriages are just so stressful. I wish you well.
ReplyDeletePoor child will lose sleeping time cause he’ll have to wake up early to make resumption
ReplyDeleteDear poster, there is a lot that comes with the 700k school; excursions, talent day, cultural day, etc. There are also places they go and things they do. Kids are mean with their words cos they don’t know better. If your level is 50K and you take your child to a 700k school, there is risk that he will stand out poorly and that can affect his self esteem and ability to develop social skills. You don’t want him denying you and your husband and claiming his Aunty as his mum. Build your family at your level; with internet and technology, expose your child to the world. He can even go for summer lessons in big schools during the long holiday but please don’t put your hand where e no reach Abeg.
ReplyDeletePut your foot down poster! Inlaw can’t make Decisions for you because she wants to pay. You and your husband agreed on a school, remind him and stick to it. And with this type of man, no more kids biko.
ReplyDeleteHonestly it’s exhausting dealing with Nigerian men. I’ve dated other race and marrying a naija man has been the most stressful and most depressing relationship ever. Their mindset is wired differently. Not all but majority of them.