BROKEN BY MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE
Dear Stella,
In the last couple of years, I have transitioned from being a very selfless and altruistic - happy -go - lucky personality and now living the life of a total recluse. I have not been to anyone’s house in over a year, and no one has been to mine. I don’t even care about my phone or anyone anymore. I can be looking at your hundred calls and not pick, up and yet, feel no guilt about it.
Personal relations = 0!
An old friend chatted me up, and I don’t know what made me pick up my phone to call her. We spoke at length, and I told her I’d be coming to spend some days close to where she stays and decided to invite her. I wasn’t certain we would hook up because having people in my space is a lot of tiny pins in my ass.
She came around where I stayed and gave me a tight hug publicly. I used to be carefree with hugs but honestly, touching my skin in a certain way brings out a different level of paranoia.
In the lodge, we chatted a lot, and I was even surprised at my level of openness. We got to watching movies and I told her I was finishing up a certain movie which she said yes to. While scrolling through the movie, she saw an animation and said we should watch it. I told her I don’t watch animations but she can go on to watch the animation while I watch my movie on my phone. She insisted we watched together, and I told her I couldn’t, that it’s a normal thing for me. We settled for one…
I am a very focused person when it comes to work. I can be somewhere else and someone would need my services which I’d have to deliver, and so, as we watched the movie, I was working.
I suddenly realized she could interrupt you in the middle of anything and expect you to give her attention. She asks lots of questions. I don’t talk much, and I don’t appreciate it when people ask me questions. When she asks a question, I just smile or focus on what I am doing, and she would be offended.
Now, I’ve known her for long, in secondary school. She was three years my senior but she was nice to my crew and me. If we missed dining food, we called on her. When broke, she was there for us as her boys, and we were all involved in Church activity.
She got fed up, thinking I was giving her attitude, and left me to do my thing, and when I was done, we did it!
It was unbelievable for me because I never imagined we would cross paths that way. It was great, but I had no emotions attached to it. At one point, she wanted to cajole me into saying something, but even before then, I told her I was very single and not ready to be emotionally attached to anyone.
When it was time to sleep, she wanted a cuddle, but that’s the worst part of me yet she wouldn't want to see. I don’t make body contact with anybody while sleeping because every slight move they make wakes me up except my kids. I wrap them in the cocoon of my body, spirit and soul. It’s my little world.
I saw hell in my marriage because I let everything slide in the name of “I love you – I love you!” The divorce broke me and made me very hard on myself, and right now, I don’t see myself as someone ready to have a thing with anyone at the moment. The prospects are slim. I’ve grown to love this peace and serenity around me.
If you are married and never divorced, work hard on your marriage. Everyone would suffer in silence, and some may boast about it, and how they walked away, like me, but no, my pillow gets soaked at night because I didn’t think things through before saying “I do!” I didn't cross the "Ts" and dot the "Is." I just wanted to have a family.
Now, I have an ex-wife, and I have kids. My Mid-Life crisis seems to have gone into the future
The kids are growing up looking at the changes that they can’t ask questions about. Their curiosity is evident. I wish that thing called “Vibration” was absent in them, because…
And to you single–pringle pilgrims, work on yourselves. I refused to use my head when it mattered. Now I use those eyes on my head to cry some tears, and then use my mouth to take painkillers while blowing my running nose with tissue. As for the ears, I listen to sad songs, to write emotional pieces for strangers who don't know me!
Not to be Continued…
Personal relations = 0!
An old friend chatted me up, and I don’t know what made me pick up my phone to call her. We spoke at length, and I told her I’d be coming to spend some days close to where she stays and decided to invite her. I wasn’t certain we would hook up because having people in my space is a lot of tiny pins in my ass.
She came around where I stayed and gave me a tight hug publicly. I used to be carefree with hugs but honestly, touching my skin in a certain way brings out a different level of paranoia.
In the lodge, we chatted a lot, and I was even surprised at my level of openness. We got to watching movies and I told her I was finishing up a certain movie which she said yes to. While scrolling through the movie, she saw an animation and said we should watch it. I told her I don’t watch animations but she can go on to watch the animation while I watch my movie on my phone. She insisted we watched together, and I told her I couldn’t, that it’s a normal thing for me. We settled for one…
I am a very focused person when it comes to work. I can be somewhere else and someone would need my services which I’d have to deliver, and so, as we watched the movie, I was working.
I suddenly realized she could interrupt you in the middle of anything and expect you to give her attention. She asks lots of questions. I don’t talk much, and I don’t appreciate it when people ask me questions. When she asks a question, I just smile or focus on what I am doing, and she would be offended.
Now, I’ve known her for long, in secondary school. She was three years my senior but she was nice to my crew and me. If we missed dining food, we called on her. When broke, she was there for us as her boys, and we were all involved in Church activity.
She got fed up, thinking I was giving her attitude, and left me to do my thing, and when I was done, we did it!
It was unbelievable for me because I never imagined we would cross paths that way. It was great, but I had no emotions attached to it. At one point, she wanted to cajole me into saying something, but even before then, I told her I was very single and not ready to be emotionally attached to anyone.
When it was time to sleep, she wanted a cuddle, but that’s the worst part of me yet she wouldn't want to see. I don’t make body contact with anybody while sleeping because every slight move they make wakes me up except my kids. I wrap them in the cocoon of my body, spirit and soul. It’s my little world.
I saw hell in my marriage because I let everything slide in the name of “I love you – I love you!” The divorce broke me and made me very hard on myself, and right now, I don’t see myself as someone ready to have a thing with anyone at the moment. The prospects are slim. I’ve grown to love this peace and serenity around me.
If you are married and never divorced, work hard on your marriage. Everyone would suffer in silence, and some may boast about it, and how they walked away, like me, but no, my pillow gets soaked at night because I didn’t think things through before saying “I do!” I didn't cross the "Ts" and dot the "Is." I just wanted to have a family.
Now, I have an ex-wife, and I have kids. My Mid-Life crisis seems to have gone into the future
The kids are growing up looking at the changes that they can’t ask questions about. Their curiosity is evident. I wish that thing called “Vibration” was absent in them, because…
And to you single–pringle pilgrims, work on yourselves. I refused to use my head when it mattered. Now I use those eyes on my head to cry some tears, and then use my mouth to take painkillers while blowing my running nose with tissue. As for the ears, I listen to sad songs, to write emotional pieces for strangers who don't know me!
Not to be Continued…
I love the way you wrote this, you sound like a very emotional man.I dont know what happened that broke your marriage and of course i dont wanna believe you dont share part of the blame for whatever happened but honey, you can love again!...Sebi your brokos stand to gbensh? you can love again and date again and you dont need to marry but please stop gbenshing if you cantdate cos that nonsense you complained about her up there is wicked....You can hug, kiss and love and let go of the pain...Stop being so hard on yourself..::Your ex mut have must have moved on....
Dear Poster dwelling on past hurt will only keep you backward without peace of mind.
ReplyDeletePlease erase the past events and move on with your life, and please don't let others you come in contact to regret ever doing so.
DOZZYBEST.
Ehugs to you, Poster!! I am happy you are able to articulate your feelings; at least as an outlet to express yourself...Please take your time, get close to God, speak with a counsellor or therapist, be intentional with your healings, find someone you can confide in or as an accountability partner and you will be good....
ReplyDeleteAll the best
You are still alive that must count for something, but you have got to start living again especially for your children
ReplyDeleteVisit a shrink, bro. You need serious help. In Jennifer's voice, "You are not a good person rara".
ReplyDeleteI don't like people who insist on behaving in a particular way and expect the whole world to adapt. I don't like people's skin touching mine. I don't like to respond to people when I am working. I don't like to gist. I don't like to cuddle. I don't like.... Bla bla bla
It's always about you and everyone has to adapt or get lost.
The thing tirer me self😏
DeleteI see people that can't adjust some of their not so good characters to accommodate other people as being selfish! Poster please you can work on all those your, "i don't do this and that" A shrink will also help you better.
DeleteThis his attitude sef can contribute to his wife leaving sef...imagine living with such a man. Pls relax a bit sir. Your ex might also be soaking her pillows too o. Go and find your family and mend what is broken. Else another woman will come and suffer problem that she did not create. Remove bitterness from your heart. God keep u sir.
DeleteWould have loved to help you get over it but I don't know where you are and if u listen to advice and encouragements
DeleteLoosen up dear make yourself happy any small way you can please remember u came to this life alone and will leave alone even if u had the best marriage
Me I have decided to explore and do whatever makes me happy now, if at the end I make hell no problem cos I have locked up for long depriving myself of certain things but still everything still seems the same.
Pls stop crying ok? I love guys so much that I always feel for them each time they are hurt and voice out because if u know what it takes them to open up they must have had it up to their neck
Anon 17:31 and others, I think he became a recluse after his painful marital experience, he said it at the beginning. This is not his normal behaviour, he seems to be suffering from PTSD.
DeleteYou said it all. Very self centred somebody. Na so so me, me, me. No consideration for the guest even he acknowledges to be caring woman. This is why a lot of men like him end up alone with no visitors in old age here in the abroad. Even single old women where I work always have visitors because they have social skills and emotional intelligence.
DeleteAwwww.. Very emotional writer..
ReplyDeleteI feel u should be free so deep depression won't set in.. Met new people and be ready to accept them..
Take time to heal, but do not dwell on past hurts.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it seems like we can’t move on from the pains but the truth is, we are stronger than we know. Don’t let the negativity of life hold you down. You are still alive which means you have multiple chances, kindly grab it and move on with it. Life is all about living and living to the fullest. Don’t let anyone or anything take away your fun.
ReplyDeleteGoodluck Sir 🙌🏽
There was a time in my life I kept meeting divorced, depressed men. Before then I believed every divorce was solely the fault of the man and that only women grieved and hurt from broken relationships/marriages. That period reshaped my perception of what I thought men were made of. I met one who just needed a friend who wouldn't mind long phone calls into the nights, who won't judge him for admitting his part in the failure or call him weak for breaking down. I didn't mind. I was single and that was the point I truly came to understand men to a large extent.
ReplyDeletePoster, I feel you. I understand you. I know strong men who have been through this path and I promise you, talking helps. You will get through it. I will wait for your addendum.
Was their penis depressed too?
DeleteObviously the poster's penis is very active?
🤣🤣🤣 wetin bring penis come my comment now? Cos I said he just wanted to talk long on the phone? Girls like me usual required thorough toasting through all the romantic stages. No depressed man got time for romance. Even the long talk is me listening while he talked and unburdened. Not him trying to woo me. By the time he heald I was already married but I am happy he eventually pulled himself together and doing well.
DeletePoster csn you let go as you would be fine. Just try to mice on. There's always light down there just believe
ReplyDeleteThis is so emotional, coming to a Man.
ReplyDeleteSorry for what you're going through. That's life and shii happens. Brace yourself, it's not the end. And as they say "Time heals" you'd be fine with time. Cheers !
Sorry for your divorce experience. Learn to love again but with caution. Anyways, hope you gbenshed safe sha because of bele or std?
ReplyDelete"Some broken hearts never mend, some memories never leave, some tears will never dry.... Don Williams"
ReplyDeleteAww baby come take a hug. All will be well with time. Don't worry time heals all wounds.
ReplyDeleteIt is well with you oooo
ReplyDeleteJust take your time oooo
Everything is gonna be Alrighty
Hello iya Boys
Is well may God heal your broken heart
ReplyDeletePoster,I love you already. I love men,who are not ashamed of their emotions. Just forgive yourself and try to heal properly. Since your kids are grown,take a break and unwind. I have not been through divorce before,my senior sister did,and she's exactly what you painted. Be kind to yourself. 🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteYou have a problem and you need somebody to cross your space and give you real trouble so that your sense can be reset ,no man is an island ,start moving again you can still reach your destination
ReplyDeleteEveryone shouting emotional. I don't see what you people see. Poster get help!
ReplyDeleteLol, what kind of heart do you have ?
DeleteWell, we all are not the same and can't never be the same.
Seriously! He's fucked up and should admit it to himself so he can start healing. And stop contact with that babe so you don't rub her with your shit.
DeleteIt’s clear that you’re going through a period of deep self-reflection, and while it’s normal to feel broken after a failed marriage, it’s also important to acknowledge your pain in a healing way and how divorce has impacted your life. But dwelling on that pain and living in isolation from others will only deepen your wounds, not heal you. No one from these others hurt you; they were not the ones that threw you under the bus; someone did. And that's who you have held on to their hurt so much and too long, that you have mirrored it on everyone else but yourself - you are accountable to. In a relationship, it takes two individuals to make or mar its fulfilment.
ReplyDeleteThe first step in moving on is realizing that to every 'yes' there was an attraction. What was the attraction for you? Forgive yourself and your ex-wife for any past mistakes - you both played a role in the choices made and decisions taken. Healing from emotional wounds is essential and begins with acceptance and seeking the right help. While taking time to heal is important, remember that healing requires active steps. Seeking professional help can provide a safe space to express yourself and guide you through self-recovery. It's also important to let go of rigid patterns that keep you emotionally distant from others. Interacting with supportive people can help you connect and open up to new experiences.
While your current self-protective habits may bring temporary peace, as you cherish your solitude. Keep in mind that being too rigid with boundaries may prevent you from experiencing genuine human connections. It also blocks your ability to form new, meaningful connections, both with yourself and others. Your experience in marriage might have been painful, but it doesn’t have to define your future. Keeping your heart open to love again without rushing into emotional commitments is possible. Avoid detaching entirely; your children need to see you strong, thriving and engaged in life. Not stuck in past hurt that can be rewritten.
You need to stare at yourself intently in the mirror and accept that the road to recovery is about balance. Instead of clinging to past mistakes, focus on personal growth. Develop healthier boundaries and allow room for intimacy without fear. Life, as painful as it may seem, offers endless opportunities to reset. Don’t let your past mistakes or feelings of failure trap you in a cycle of negativity. While you don’t have to rush into new relationships or feel pressured to love again immediately, taking small steps toward rebuilding your social life will help you rediscover joy.
But you cannot do that in isolation. Life is all about mistakes, and everyone does and goes through that. But real growth comes from learning, adapting, and permitting yourself to embrace the possibility of happiness. Living fully means finding balance, releasing grudges, and refusing to let old scars dictate your future. Don’t blindly rob yourself of the life you deserve to live. Life alone is not complete without purpose; you couldn't have replaced that with your brokenness. May God show you mercy: His light is always beautiful, seek it.
You just have to work on yourself, do your best to accept people the way they are....... You're a choosey person that's what I understand, mingle with different personality and if you're able to accept their ways of life healing comes.
ReplyDeleteDon't go into any relationship now til you overcome your fears.
I was getting pissed off at first but i remember we all process things and heal differently
ReplyDeleteHow can one be so comfortable in their misery? Oga this is not a way to live, your marriage ended, nobody died, why are you doing this to yourself?
I truly hope you get help, i wish you all the best.
I hope you find the grace to go through this phase and come out better.
ReplyDeleteTake all the lessons, feel the pain but also give yourself grace. I hope you get to truly smile and be joyful again and even in a better way.
"Not to be continued" speaks of a healing that is sure to come with time. Losing a loved one in death is also a replica of the emotions you have just described and somehow with the phase of time; we heal. We go through our pains and sorrows differently but there is always a breaking of dawn.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one that thinks poster is a lot to deal with I honestly pity your wife. I don't like this I don't like that I don't do this I don't do that please give me your wife's number let me console her
ReplyDeleteHe's selfishness personified and must be cruel. Thank God for her freedom
DeleteRead the chronicle again; he became like this after his bitter experience in marriage.
DeleteHmmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteNo matter how emotionally drained you are, you will still have your high moments. You know that moment you managed to rise from the lows to the highs. It will be subtly present, though sparsely and non-lasting. Your friend was fortunate, or perhaps unfortunate, to call you at such a time, and you invited her over because the repressed part of you, the one you thought you had buried, sought an escape and ventured out while clinging to the memories you both once shared.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't pick the calls of others, but you picked hers because she was a new and untraveled terrain in this journey to your new self. Subconsciously, with her, it felt a bit safe for you to bring your guard down and slowly build your way back up to the person you were; after all, she wasn't in your life when the divorce happened, so considering she was someone you knew and had fond memories of, why not?
Sadly, it escalated rather quickly. I am honestly curious how you went from not responding to her comments wholeheartedly and giving her non-verbal replies to suddenly having s.. with her. Inasmuch as she is an adult and responsible for her actions, deep down you feel guilty because you suspect you treated her unfairly, yet you intently believe your mental state and past experience excuse your actions towards her after the act. Did you apologize to her?
I think it's best you don't let others get 'too close' too soon until you heal. "Hurt people hurt people," and if care isn't taken, it turns into an unending cycle, simply because one person unconsciously triggers the sequence. Why should the next person you meet be the one to pay the price for something they weren't privy to?
Nice advice to every single person who is on their way to being blessed maritally, yet it seems you solely advised against divorce simply because you soak your pillows at night. I strongly believe that is your vulnerability speaking, considering you got out of a union where you wrote you were taken for granted despite giving your all. When you write like that, it reads like you feel it is better to be in an unhappy marriage than to pass through the temporary unpleasantness. I wonder if you are still in love with your ex-wife or if you could turn back the hands of time, you would have settled for the lesser of two evils simply because the pain of loneliness is too much to bear. Still, you need to accept that the unpleasantness you feel is a phase you will get out of eventually. You just have to be intentional.
If you keep trying to go on by yourself, you won't realize how much hurt you are carrying and how much damage this will cause you and others you allow to get close to you. You need to visit a counselor and unburden everything. You will go on, push people away, and hurt innocent people, albeit unintentionally, because you have put a wall around yourself, but in the end, you may not like the resultant effect this has caused. I would advise you to take a healthier approach towards healing before it is too late.
Sorry about everything you went through. But you need to get the real you back. If not for you, then for your kids. Kids are not as complicated as many believe. Sometimes they just want to see you happy even if you are no longer with their mom/dad. Sometimes, your happiness can convince them and provide the answers to the silent questions that prod their minds.
But no matter what, do not regret the fact that you were true to yourself and loved selflessly. Regret that you were all that to the wrong person. Keep being yourself and do not give anyone the power to take that from you. The outcome of or the response to a positive or lovely action doesn't determine or change the fact that a good act/thing is a good act/thing. Too bad for the recipient who lacks the capacity to appreciate it. Always remember that.
Hmm. This man is depressed and is mired in self pity. He is an adult and seems not to possess basic social skills. All this being a loner and keeping to himself is fine as long as he stops the blame game. I can only imagine the lack of communication in his marriage. Even the kids he is talking about, let them hit their teens. How will he even communucate properly with them? Oga you need counselling. You need to do the inner work of healing which is not easy. You seem the type to nurse your wounds and your wounded ego around. Lord help any woman that has anything to do with you because you will never connect emotionally with them. Yet you will want free transactional fork with no feelings. May God heal you because you should not be inflicted on any woman.
ReplyDeleteIt's well
ReplyDeleteThis guy just explained how divorce traumatizes someone ..as someone that is separated, I can tell you that it's an ugly thing to go through. May God help us
ReplyDeletePlease, in your next episode, endeavor to tell us the cause of your breakup. What is that thing that made you and your wife in reconcilable? We need to learn from your mistakes bro.
ReplyDeletePoster you're broken, hurting we know that, but please get help. You know you need help
ReplyDelete