Hmmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
COLD FEET AND RED FLAGS
I am dating a man who takes good care of my financial needs but makes me feel worthless by his words and actions. He is married but the wife relocated abroad with the children due to irreconcilable issues.
He told me and I also snooped, got the wife's contact and spoke to her and she confirmed it.
He has gone to see my people. However, I'm having serious second thoughts about this relationship and potential marriage. We often stay days together without meaningful conversations, and I find myself catering to his every whim while he's glued to his phone or TV.
Even our intimate moments lack emotional connection. It's as if I'm just a mere object to fulfil his emotional desires and after that, he quickly switches to his phone. No effort to satisfy me.
I am 39 years and he is in his late fifties. Our court wedding is planned for next month. Everyone sees him as God sent but as I reflect on this relationship, his care and my age, I get more confused. He has given me till end of this year to get pregnant either through IVF or naturally....
Everyone sees him as Godsent because he has money?Well by the time you are married, money will mean nothing if you did not marry a good man who understands you....If you already see so many redflags, please dont do it oh...Why didnt you ask the wife what the irreconciliable difference was? she might have told you same thing you are complaining about....And what if you marry him and pregnancy is delayed?And he disrespects you?NO PLEASE; dont marry him!
Do not marry a man who does not know how to make you laugh or c#m.
The ultimatum though...I hate it!
ReplyDeleteAs in eehn, like he's scared she may not be able to conceive or what? Poster look well o to avoid had i know.
DeleteTo be honest, I do not think you are having second thoughts. I think you just want someone to ginger you and say "manage the one you have". All I'd tell you is do what you want to do.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣
DeleteYou is wicked 🤣
I am having second thoughts Candy. I have prayed and fasted for years for a good husband. But this here is not what I prayed for. He is financially satisfying but emotionally draining,
DeletePoster, a man in his fifties is set in his ways. This kind of man is only good for a woman who doesn’t care about emotional connection (if such a woman exists). You will just be married roommates and knackmates to produce children. You should only expect money from him and face your own business squarely, if you have any further expectations from him, you will just break your own heart.
DeleteYou know the kind of person you are, if you don’t have a heart of steel, do not proceed. I sincerely pray that God brings your own man soonest because this man above is not an easy type to manage
I disagree with you, poster. You don't need prayers to know he's not it. Guess you wanna stay put because of financial security, right?
Delete@16:38
DeleteYou said all well and clear.
A plus for the man is that he appears to be a good hearted man by the fact that he is not misleading Poster on what she would get during marriage. He is likely to meet any complaint tomorrow with "well, this is who you agree to marry".
How good and pleasant the world of marriage would be if all men and women lay their cards on the table the way this man has done. There are women for his type. Some have the skills for changing his type, some know how to cope. Poster apparently lacks the skills for both.
Before I forget, there are women who do not care about emotional connection in marriage too.
And before I also forget, I am a man.
Madam poster, you can't have it both way, as long as you lots just want to rip where you did not sow, this is part of what happens. A man work his ass off in his youth to make money, after making the money and willing to spend it on you, you still want to be in charge of his emotional stand, it will not happen. Every man dream is to have enough money so you can be in control.
Delete@19:47 you’re a broken specimen, not worth calling yourself man. Look at you looking for whom to control. Mschew
DeleteChai 1947. Who broke you? You think money gives you a right to control everyone around you. Your trust issues no get part 2
DeleteYou can go ahead,if you're ready to be abused mentally and psychologically.
ReplyDeleteThis kind of rich man knows he can get whatever he wants, so they don't attach their emotions to women.....I see a man that will turn you to a footmat,he is already giving you ultimatum to get pregnant.
Ire ooo
The last statement. Is he God or is she the one that determines how and when she will get pregnant cos I don't understand the ultimatum.
DeleteNa you sabi, do what best suits you.
Most marriages these days are transactional..but having the transaction with the right person is paramount...if you can deal with his emotional absence abi na distance and his lack of empathy and romance then go for it...he takes care of you and you give him a child..Otherwise walk and keep walking...and ignore what society will say about your marital status.
ReplyDeleteI really don’t know how y’all arrive at this ‘most’
DeleteTrue talk @15:10
DeleteMarriages have always been essentially transactional in the sense of each party or their parents looking out for their own interest. The difference between then and now is that parties use to pay the price for what they get; now, people just want to take and not give.
A woman praises her husband for being the best in the world. Ask her what she gives. Nothing. The same for the man whose wife gave up her medical doctor cert or more to nurture the man and their family as a full time house wife. He goes online to praise her. Ask him what he has given up for her or given her in return as husband. Nothing.
Dear Poster, I understand you are considering your age in all of this, but do not marry a man that feels like he is doing you a favour. Imagine him giving you an ultimatum to get pregnant. So what happens if there is a delay in conception? You become a divorcee too like his wife on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.
ReplyDeleteFollow Stella's advice, why marry a man who does not connect to you emotionally, nor have a bond of friendship with you. He cannot also make you laugh nor c#m.
Poster God will give you your own man. This one no be ya own, keep marching on and don't look back. You will be miserable after marriage if you marry this man
DeleteIs the ultimatum because he knows Poster is on contraceptives?
DeleteMost chronicles do not always say all.
If you fantasize about living in the flames of hell daily then by all means go ahead with the wedding, just make sure you have lots of water. Marriage is supposed to be a joyful, expansive and fulfilling experience. It is supposed to help you to grow and become a better version of yourself. The two become one and create something beautiful together that they could not have created on their own. Nothing you have described seems anything close to what a good marriage is.
ReplyDeleteMoney is not alive, it is a tool that is dead until you use it. Do not ever marry for money or you will have to earn every penny of it through the marriage and the way you will have to earn it will be painful and degrading. Isn’t it good your man is already showing you how you will have to labour for access to his funds. Wait until you have to live with him and cannot escape, you think you see labours yet. You know what to do 🏃🏾♀️
Hmm Poster what are you doing? You are not married yet he is giving you terms and conditions.....Can't you read the writing on the wall? Do you know the meaning of irreconcilable differences? Why didn't you ask the wife the reasons for that, like ask more questions......
ReplyDeleteBecause he saw your parents does not mean you must marry him.....The problem I have noticed in most relationship chronicles is that there is no freedom and there is this fear of being open and communicating with their intending spouse and I wonder if the meaning of love is truly understood.....
You are 39 years and by now, you should know what you want in a man.....This is marriage and it is not because of your parents but for you.....Money is not the only thing to consider in a partner....Don't allow desperation to take the upper hand in your decision...He has shown you all his cards and it's not gonna change when you are married....Use your tongue to count your teeth....
All the best....
SDK Habibi. We talk about everything but don't have this intimate connection expected of lovers. The ex-wife told me everything that happened between them which confirms exactly what my guy told me.
DeletePoster,please don't let availability of money becloud your judgement and intuition. He has zero respect for you,neither affection. The only thing you will get is money. And with time too,you won't see shishi.🙄🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteThis! With time you won’t see shiishi!
DeleteDon't marry him if you know you can't cope, because you will wish you never met him, he's an abuser and a narcissist, what you're seeing now will be very small compared to what you will see in marriage.
ReplyDeleteBut as age isn't on your side, if you think you can cope, you can go ahead, but be 100% sure that marriage will not be enjoyable.
@Stella, but you know in your heart that she will marry the man lol.
ReplyDeleteShe is 39 and the man has money. She is just looking for emotional support.
Enjoy your marriage to your God’s sent. If you just wanted to chop and clean mouth, you would not have called the wifey for confirmation
@Stella, but you know in your heart that she will marry the man lol.
ReplyDeleteShe is 39 and the man has money. She is just looking for emotional support.
Enjoy your marriage to your God’s sent. If you just wanted to chop and clean mouth, you would not have called the wifey for confirmation
Aswear, she will still go ahead with the marriage. All these things we are saying na just to fulfill all righteousness. Poster happy married life.
DeleteMadam,
ReplyDeleteIf only you had made your own money, there are certain things you won't tolerate in a relationship. This is why we often clamour here for women to make their own money so disrespect like this won't be tolerated. When we advise you ladies here, we're termed misogynist. But we'll keep advising regardless.
Did you bother to know why the first wife left with the kids? Is it what you think you can handle and tolerate?
There are enough red flags already but desperation won't let you see it.
Let me tell you something. If you truly love yourself and seek happiness, throw him away. You must have self love before going into relationship.
If the number of women here who depend on men for provision, will work on themselves and make their own money, become successful and career driven, you'll enjoy your pick of men willing to commit and wife you and not you being desperate over a man about marriage when the red flags are glaring.
© TEEJAY
You that’s talking, have you made your own money? Abi no be you dey apply for giveaway? You guys talk like it’s easy for everyone to make money
DeleteLmaoo. Anon ehhh
DeleteDear Poster, you know in your heart that even with the money he gives you plus the sex, you still do not love him. And he does not love you too
ReplyDeletePlease, why do you still want to go ahead with the marriage?
No connection whatsoever.
No don’t go ahead Ma’am you will regret 100%
ReplyDeleteSee, there are women perfectly built and equipped specially for these kind of men. His type is not strange at all. The question is, ARE YOU THAT KIND OF WOMAN?. If you are the emotional type, then your grave is very very near if you marry him.
ReplyDeletePlease hold on a little . I PROMISE YOU, your kind of man is around the corner. I say this because this is usually the cue; you will be presented an option so terrible but you will want to take it because your are desperate but if you dump him now, the real guy will surface in less than 3 months.
Yeah, I know.
Your comments too dey make sense,I swear.
DeleteI'm always looking forward in reading your inputs on the matters like this.
And please, stop disappearing from us.🙏😍💙🌹🌹
Still missing Chikito and. Isabella.💙💙😎😎
@Apple of God's eyes, most of my advice are from personal experiences. I saw it all, walahi. As for disappearing, I have a full hand dealing with settling in a new country, a new baby and no domestic staff as I was used to back home. I will be here as much as I can.❤️❤️
DeleteMs Saphire that’s true. I believe in that too, whenever you have reached the level that you just want to give in, a miracle is always lurking around. It’s just that we humans are very impatient especially Nigerian ladies above 30. This advice is also for me. I almost entered one chance marriage this year because I clocked 31. Thank God for His mercies and graces, I am in a better place, at peace, hopeful and most importantly I don’t feel any ounce of Pressure from me to me.
DeleteLoool you will go ahead and marry this man because of the financial benefits and nothing we say here can convince you otherwise.
ReplyDeleteBecause seeing all these red flags and still agreeing to marry him says a lot about you.
Also the wife relocated, I didn’t see anything about officially divorced, if they’re not divorced remember your ceremony will amount to a nullity, it will not be recognized by law.
All the best in your bondage Ei marriage
In all your doings, marry a kind man. I don't mean the one who constantly gives you money. But a man who desires and wants to spend quality time with you. Does he make you laugh? Does he have meaningful and deep conversations with you? Do you click on two topics out of 6? If no to all of this, you may have to have a rethink. Cause he's never gonna change.
ReplyDeleteBut if you feel you are under pressure at 39 and no intending suitor coming along, then goodluck.
Anyone whose entanglement is headed for marriage deserves to be in a relationship where they feel valued, respected, and emotionally fulfilled as a teammate to someone who shares similar beliefs. That's where you got it all wrong: that he is taking good care of your financial needs, is the cheapest thing he has to offer you. And doesn't mind how much of it you demand or take. It is the easiest of all things he can offer you. Making you feel worthless by his words and actions is how much he values you. Your attraction to his financial security has led him to objectify you. You are just a piece of item off the shelve he can buy, use and replace.
ReplyDeleteThis is what you get when you don’t bring nor add a purpose to the kind of value that motivates or inspires your partner. You didn’t evaluate your goals and expectations before agreeing to this relationship and staying in it. Because from the look of things, you are coming to terms with your possible realities. You're facing a very challenging and emotionally complex situation. And you seem to have sold your self-worth for a pot of porridge. Feeling worthless in a relationship is a significant red flag. A healthy relationship should uplift and support you, not make you feel diminished below per.
It could also be that you have shown signs of eagerness to get married to him, and he knows it's all because of his financial pull. Hence, he disregards companionship other than for his selfish pleasures. The lack of meaningful conversations and emotional connection could be a result of this. I think you have sold yourself too cheap to the extent that communication as the foundation of any strong relationship is not alive. It can only grow stale in marriage. Intimacy should be a mutually fulfilling experience. You need to talk boldly but respectfully about these same things you have shared here.
Another way to look at these dynamics could be the age difference and the different stages of life you are both in. While at it, don't let external perception take precedence over your personal experience. The pressure to conceive is my other worry for you. It may end up being an entrapment to keep you with layers of stress loading. In a serious and committed relationship that is almost birthing marriage, pregnancy decisions readily come naturally as a mutual desire, not as a condition.
My advice is to go over this post again in your safe space and explore your feelings deeply enough to the extent that can help you gain clarity and support you in making the best-informed decision for your long-term well-being. Reflect on what you truly want and need against the strength of your tolerance in this relationship. While your current needs are being met, can you envision a fulfilling future with this person? You cannot change an adult. Your post shows you know what you want, but the attractiveness of your financial needs being met is confusing your good sense of judgment. And I trust fellow BVNs here, they will help with their valuable perspectives in a way that will reset your brain if truly you have any self-worth to put some pride to your name.
My prof. I align myself in toto with your ever compelling advice
DeleteMarriage was ordained by God for 3 different reasons which are
ReplyDeletea) For companionship
b) To avoid sins of the flesh
c) For procreation
Each human being would want the 3 but not everyone will have the 3 so poster, my advice is for you to pick what’s important to you and go with it.
If at 39yrs what’s important to me is having children to call my own before menopause kicks in, I would gladly go ahead, do IVF or whatever it takes to get pregnant, detach myself totally emotionally and ignore the sex side.
However, I would not go ahead to marry him and expect him to change from who he portrayed himself to be from the onset or go about badmouthing him or writing chronicles. I would see the marriage as just transactional especially because of the pedestal on which my kids would be starting their lives.
Whether we like to agree or not, people marry for different reasons these days…love, money, sex, beauty, kids ,political affiliation etc. The list is endless.
Just know yourself, what you want and what is intolerable to you.
Never expect companionship, love and empathy from an emotionally unavailable man.
Thank you very much for this very, very , very pragmatic comment.
DeleteThe choice is hers: Pick from the three or continue to pray for all three, which very possible.
Just a question for Poster:
If a man - same age, divorcee/separated, very emotionally available and connected, no ultimatum, but broke shows up now for you. Would you say Yes to his 1 month's time marriage proposal?
Please, it is JUST A QUESTION to illustrate O!
Well poster I'm not here to stop you but is this person Alex from pH? He also said his wife and kids are abroad and his kids are small too? Well loop well o cos they aren't separated nor divorced o, but if it's money he has and if need be God grant you your own kids and you can request he rents a place for you and the kids if the union is not unioning. All sha do what's best for you and your mental health
ReplyDeleteIs this alex from delta state
DeleteHi. I am Alex based in PH and from Delta State in my 50s. I didnt promise any of you marriage, so what is this about?
DeleteYou will hate yourself if you eventually marry this man cos he will drain you emotionally.
ReplyDeleteThis life no balance...
ReplyDeleteSome are married with all the emotional attention yet no finances (some men in this category are not even ready to lift a finger and improve their financial status)
Some others are married to rich men but don't have access to those riches
There are people who get married to rich men, have access to funds but no emotions. Some women don't care as long as you foot their bills.
Poster you're the only one that knows what you can survive with so make your decision.
Honestly, and this life is a huge risk on its own. She may decide to leave this man and find no one still or vice versa. Very unpredictable life.
DeleteBut you are seing what you dnt like
ReplyDeleteDo you wanna go ahead...
Sha nah because of money ni
No marra the Advice you got here you will still go ahead and marry him
This one you done tell us ya Age..
This is what My friend is going through now
She never born o
Oga come dey put eyes out side
But the man get kids ooo
Mature ones
But he say he want boy
Belle self no gree enter..
It is Well 🙏🙏🙏
Hello iya Boys
Deadline to get pregnant, hmm, think about it well.
ReplyDeleteOh dear! You know it is better to wait for the one whom you love (no; you are not in love with him) or be happily unmarried than to be unhappily married to the man you succinctly described, right?
ReplyDeleteYou both are not the right fit for each other, and you know it. For his 'ways' to be a source of concern for you at this courtship stage, where love is supposed to have you in blindfolds, is a telltale sign that when you finally get married, you would unearth more unpleasantness and then realize the financial care you relished could not satiate nor compete with the yearnings of your innermost desires.
You are 39, so I am sure you must have dotted your I's and crossed your t's; still, you can't ignore the nagging feeling that silently tugs at your heart. If you feel those feelings that weigh on your mind are worthy enough of expression to the extent of bringing them here, then maybe you should really give them respite rather than treat them with levity.
It is disturbing to know he gave you an ultimatum, but what is more disturbing is that he didn't raise his head to see you sashay your merry way out the door? What's got you stuck? Is it your age? Or the constant reminders of 'well-wishers' daily drumming in your ears that you won't get a better man if you let this one go? You know you would do well to rid yourself of the scarcity mentality you have because in life, you only get the love we believe you deserve.
I also know it's tempting to think, "well, it's because you are not in my shoes...how can I break off an engagement one month away," but be mindful, I say this to you as someone who has also broken off an engagement before. I once shared the story here. Though my reason differed totally from yours, still I will never encourage anyone to walk into what causes them worry, and I don't think your kind of person would be happy being married to someone like him.
You write so much like Isabella when i read your comments i miss her.
DeletePoster,
ReplyDeleteWe have all assumed you are the emotionally involved type on your say so. But are you?
Some of us are like emotional musical instruments in relationships. If we are not played, we do not sound. But we are the ones who complain the most about the emotional silence in the relationships. This is what you have been told above. There are women who can play this man to sing or sound emotionally loud. There are women who want his kind of silence. There are women who do not want his kind of silence and would not stay in marriage with him.
Choose. Do your choice.
Mr. Mann
This time around ehnnn, just know that he sees you as a baby making factory. He feels he has lost the other kids and wants some that he will be with. I’ll just add to what other people have said. If you do decide to marry him, make sure he sets you up before the kids start coming. Don’t say you didn’t know oo. A word is enough for the wise. After all, I consider that enough payment for catering to him and having his kids.
ReplyDeleteIncase you’re confused, your marriage is 100 percent transactional. Zero romance or love. Be guided
You better 'japa'. Am in my fifties but the way men rush me at this my age . I just dey run away . Poster believe in yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis is just a marriage of convenience. It's very sad that after you've waited to marry, you end up being sad. Except you want to commit to a lifetime of sadness and just be comfortable and have your kids, abort mission
ReplyDeleteYou know what you want, so you decide..
ReplyDeleteAs much as what everyone is saying is right. I will offer a different approach. Treat this marriage as a business give birth to a child or two . Save money. If possible ask that the child is born in the USA. This way u can relocate like his wife when the marriage( don’t tell him this) Becomes unbearable. There’s nothing like having your own child. If I were you I would consider having at least a child and forget about love. Zero your mind from emotion. That’s my take. It’s not easy but as a single mother from divorce though I will tell u I am happy I have a child that being single and childless.
ReplyDelete@ Stella, he already disrespected her though, but I am sure that's important in the grand scheme of things for poster and her family.
ReplyDeletePoster if I were you and 39 years old I would marry this Man. I will lock up my emotions birth him 2 kids, and concentrate on his properties and wealth for my kids. Life is generally not fair your mission now should be money, money, money. Please marry him you don't have time your biological clock is ticking don't mind people asking you to wait you are lucky that he is Rich please marry him before you regret it in the future. You don't have time Marry him
ReplyDelete