ADVICE NEEDED
I have something bothering me, and I need your advice. It's about the man that I have a baby with,Because of issues we had, he left me with his daughter for over 2 years now and she's all grown up and about to start school.
He was the one who named her, but we are not married.What I need to know now is, should I use his name or my dad's name for my daughter?
Why should you use your Dad's name? If he named her please use his name before she grows up to start a relationship with her blood without knowing..No matter the problem you have with her father, dont change the name...
A Lot of baby mamas give the names of their fathers to their kids and i just think it is wrong.....
In Igbo culture, such kids automatically belongs to your family and has nothing to do with the irresponsible sperm donor.
ReplyDeleteDOZZYBEST.
Speak for your clan. It's not so in my Igbo clan. Everybody dey answer im papa name.
Delete16:55
DeleteThank you. It has almost sounded here as if tribes who permit naming after unmarried fathers are ...
Lol, Anon 16:55 …you sound like those ones that are ready to fight anybody for properties .
DeleteDon’t ask me how
Selfish tradition but the Igbo are knacking belle every where without paid bride price and the child still bear the Igbo man name
DeletePoster please give her your Fathers name. You will encounter many issues if you decide to procure a passport for her in the future. You will also be flagged unnecessarily at airports when travelling with minor bearing different surname. Since there is no father on the end of the phone to clarify these issues when they arise, please save yourself the headache from beginning.
ReplyDeleteBecause of issues like this please use ur father's name..
Delete@OgeAussie; Hmmm...a very important point to consider. But what if she now gets married and takes her new husband's name? How does that work?
Delete@Saphire
DeleteThe kid can always bear the mum’s maiden name. That’s enough proof
Ms Sapphire, the marriage certificate will take care of that
DeleteOga Aussie na eem be say hausa ppl no dey travel be that, because we don’t take our spouse’s name therefore we have different surnames wt our kids, iv not seen anybody that was flagged down for this.
DeleteI am married, I didn't change my name. I carry passport and birth certificate
DeleteLol@18:11,
DeleteComments are from the depth, breadth and length of our respective knowledge.
That is why when we try to force ours down on other people we appear to them somehow somehow.
Give her your dads middle name
ReplyDeleteDon’t give her the fathers name or your fathers last name. Equation balance
Don’t give her the irresponsible fathers name. Baby mama is not the same abandoned mama. He is not her life so don’t cause trouble for her by putting his name and she’ll start explaining things later
Poster,please use the name on her birth certificate.
ReplyDeleteI can’t believe Stella is asking you to name a child that doesn’t know her father after the father. That child belongs to your family/father. Him naming her and not meeting the obligations of being present already negates him being a true father. I solely stand with what OgeAussie said. Right now it looks okay but in the future, issues might/will arise. Name her after your father case closed
ReplyDeleteThis "I can't believe Stella...' is not necessary here. Stella gave reasons why she believes in her opinion, she is concerned that the child may grow up and start a relationship with her relative tomorrow. Her fears are valid because it happens. What you should do is; state why you believe that your opinion is better than her's.
DeleteIf you must respond the way you did, it's not in the scenario. Save that for any day that you see a senseless comment.
Poster, my opinion is that the child should bear your father's name
Deletesomething is wrong with u..how does my opinion concern you?
DeleteStella ti binu. Please calm down.
DeleteIf he’s a deadbeat that does nothing for ur daughter, please give her ur father’s name. She’s as good as someone without a father and just has a sperm donor.
ReplyDeleteNobody is asking what happened between the 2 adults before the man left. Nobody is saying until they hear from the man. Maybe just maybe the man later found out the baby is not his own after all. Deadbeat abii
Delete21:11, na u know the one wey dey do u because my comment was very clear
DeleteI think it is out of anger and toxic feminism that made social media users glamourize this voluntary single motherhood thing. Honestly, it's not easy and very far from funny on both you and the child. I actually opted for it at some point and today I am thankful God didnt answer that prayer.
ReplyDeletePoster, kindly refer this question to an elder in your family, preferably, your father if his is alive. Because these social media people always have a way of making nasty situations look glamorous. Don't forget there is tomorrow and this child depends on you to make healthy decisions for him/her .
Abeg shift
DeleteHow dare you call someone’s life nasty
The child’s mother is asking a question about her life and you’re using such poor words
Sapphire don't mind that anon. E just dey look for your attention.
DeleteMy comment pinched you somewhere bah😄. You probably read wrong o. I said "nasty situations" which sums up a plethora of situations that are unpleasant, or unfortunate. I wasn't talking about that your particular situation only. Inugo nne? Take it easy.
DeleteSapphire I’m not ababy mama but I have sense
DeleteI am not the Anon , but I support the anon. Your comment is very insensitive, as adults lets should earn diplomacy.no be everything wey dey our mind, we suppose talk.*Emotional Intelligence matters a lot in life) calling her life nasty is totally uncalled PERIOD.She is a Babymama and so damn what? what makes you think you are better than her? Poster having a child out of wedlock is not the end of the world ok? instead of giving your fathers name, give your kid your name as a last name, eg if your name is Chika and your child's name is David, he/she can be David Chika
DeleteIn my place,you are either married to a woman or not! No in-between.
ReplyDeleteIf you have a child out of wedlock and the man refuses to take charge and become a responsible father by doing the needful,then automatically the child belongs to the "Father" of your Baby mama and bears her family name.
So if you as a man decides to be a sperm donor or an absentee father,you just helped the girls father to increase his lineage because nobody will even force you to come and wife the woman,na you go use your eye see as e dey play dey show.
So poster,treat him in same approach just as you are being treated.
If he doesn't find you worthy enough to wife you;then he doesn't deserve to have a fruit from you to bear his name.
Place value on you!
@MARTINS
"If you have a child out of wedlock and the man refuses to take charge and become a responsible father by doing the needful"
Delete"If he doesn't find you worthy enough to wife you;then he doesn't deserve to have a fruit from you to bear his name."
The two "IFS" do not have the same answer.
A father shirking financial and father duties is different, very very different, from a fully present father who for any reason decides not to marry the mother of his child.
A woman can e found not worthy of marriage after pregnancy and before marriage. Let us tell ourselves the harsh truth.
Also, woman has a right to refuse to marry a man after having his child IF she discovers something that disqualify him as the type of husband she need and want in her life.
In any case, Poster knows what is going to do. She only appears to need validation.
21:18 he should have figured that out befor belle
DeleteIn our Igbo culture, once a man hasn't paid your dowry, all kids birthed belongs to your father even if both of you cohabits. Likewise if a man has paid your dowry but you are no longer together; any child you have belongs to your ex as long as the dowry paid wasn't returned.
ReplyDeleteIf his not active in the child's life then do you. Remember if you want to relocate or get a passport you will need the father's approval and all that protocols etc. Do your due diligence you know the right thing. If his active in her life; please do the needful
Hmmmmm,lemmi learn to o,my son still bears my ex name,he named my child,and we were never married.
ReplyDelete#following
ReplyDeleteThe way the chronicle is worded I cannot tell if he is in the child's life and lives elsewhere or he is completely out of her life and has no contact with any of you.
ReplyDeleteIf he is completely out of the child's life and has no contact with the child in any way then go ahead, as both of you having the same name protects the child from stigma. If he is involved in the child's life and simply lives elsewhere and is no longer in a relationship with you then leave things as it is.
Where I come from, if he hasn't paid your brideprice, the child will not bear his name.
ReplyDeleteHmmm I support the blue pen pls give her the appropriate surname
ReplyDeletePathetic
ReplyDeleteMy sister has a child with a dead beat guy so she gave her own surname (dad’s name). The child is a now 31yrs and still bears my father’s name, she intends to change it only when she gets married. Her father has connected with her now(as they usually do🙄). He even begged her to change the name, she disagreed in honour of my sister who passed away 14yrs ago.
ReplyDeleteIf The Father has not be during Fatherly Duties,
ReplyDeleteAnd not responsible for her Upkeep
Poster nah your papa name she go bear ooo..
Hello iya Boys
If The Father has not be during Fatherly Duties,
ReplyDeleteAnd not responsible for her Upkeep
Poster nah your papa name she go bear ooo..
Hello iya Boys
In my tribe if it was a male child I would have advice that you give him his father surname. Since she is a girl, do whatever will give you peace of mind at the long run.
ReplyDeleteA child is a child, stop giving honour to unworthy and useless men
DeleteWetin be this
DeleteIf you're not in contact with the father and you have no relationship or contact of the man family, i think your daughter should bear your father's surname. When she is old enough let her know the truth.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, it has been clarified that this Igbo culture often mentioned here is not uniform across Igbo land. There is a major case in Nigeria where the Igbo woman fought till death for her son to be acknowledged by the son's "alleged" father. Well, maybe it was because the man was a national top shot whose name is already in the national history. If man top with doors openning name and capacity, woman wey sure of the DNA go carry pikin give am another name. Yimmu.
ReplyDeleteI think we will need to write/post how culture plays role in having child outside wedlock, so that those women/girls that want to "carry belle" will have a rethink.
ReplyDeleteVery wise words from aunty Stella
ReplyDeleteNa make Incest full Igbo land nonsense ,thier men they knack belle free of charge not paying bride price still the child go bear he name.i like wetin my guy do one Igbo girl for yankee he knack belle no bride price family they shout omo this is america every body go land for court as far the guy thet do the need full with receipt
ReplyDeleteNo offense or antipathy to any culture but the whole world does NOT follow the Igbo mainstream culture of:
ReplyDelete1. Monetary Bride Price
2. Bride price as a determinant of paternity of a child.
That it has become dominant opinion on Nigerian SM space does not mean it is global practice. I am surprised other ethnicities where they don’t collect bride price are not speaking up. Bride price has no impact on the surname of a child nor does it determine paternity. If you are in the US, maybe even in many parts of the world, and an Asian, a Caucasian or AA impregnates you outside wedlock, pays child support, the person has as much right as you do. Culture evolves according to what Organizational Behavior Professors teach in business schools globally. Was “Agbada” the predominant male clothing among Igbo men decades ago? No. I rarely see “George wrappers” at parties like before. What happened to the “up and down” with blouse cultural mode of dressing? It evolved! What do you see now? Many donning Agbadas with only the red cap and fan showing their ethnic identity.
If the pregnancy is yours alone to nurture and you are not in the west where a parent can be prosecuted for kidnapping if they keep away a child from an involved, interested & active Dad, prayerfully do what you choose. This cultural “dominance on SM” of one world view does not help many Gen Zs & young Millenials on 🇳🇬SM space especially as westernization via the internet is now their mode of learning. “Idana” in Yoruba land often does not involve the exchange of money. If money is involved, it could be as symbolic as 50 cents or a nickel. I don’t know of Efiks, Ibibios, Edis, Kalabaris etc but I’m reading here now that it’s not even all Igboland that practice naming a child after a woman’s dad if the man has not paid the bride price. Bride price is not the norm throughout the 200 ethnicities in Nigeria. My own culture was more of the dancing, exchange of greetings by the two families, asking the mother-in-law to tie wrapper and back the grown up daughter in law as if she gave birth to her, my older father in law prostrating before my younger dad (both now late), the women on both sides partying etc. In fact my husband and I joke that he got the best deal free from her family in front of our Igbo friends! $ doesn’t often exchange hands, my husband took me shopping for a luggage of clothes on his own volition, I picked the clothes myself while my late parents in law bought me stuff from England as he travelled for something else before the engagement and wedding. There are 200+ different nations within Nigeria.
Traditional marriage IS NOT bride price in many ethnicities and in Yorubaland, if you like call the child your name, the child is counted by the paternal relatives so it’s psychological & maybe practical if the dad is not involved as passports, visas etc will be easier and your decision will be understood in all cultures. Multiculturalism and diversity of cultures should be reflected in conversations on 🇳🇬SM as we don’t know the background of the poster. Jayden, Jason, Tyler are AA ghetto names that are now becoming mainstream in Nigeria. In 10 years time Gen Alpha may think those names originated from some Nigerian ethnic group as history is not taught in schools & the curriculum in K-12 is not as dynamic as it should be. ✌🏾