SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED
I need advice .
Whenever my wife and I have disagreements, she says the meanest things and when the dust is cleared says she didn’t mean them. Things like ‘very soon I won’t need you anymore, you’ve never done anything for me,(i have high blood pressure cos of giving too much to the marriage), or she starts saying I will suffer bla bla bla.
So many worse things too.
After fight don finish she’ll start crying and saying she didn’t mean them. I just feel like she says how she feels when she’s angry and I should take them seriously but I’m worried for my kids, she’s not good with them and they will suffer if I leave.
My friends ask me to leave for my health and say when the kids grow up, they’ll look for their father.
I’m really confused. I have tried to leave several times then I look at my kids and can’t. Just confused mehn and we are in the diaspora too.
If you are in such a bad state of health because of your marriage and you dont leave physically so that you can live, when you die, your eyes go clear...Just make sure you dont ever lay your hands on her......
And you are right, most people say the truth when they are angry.
She is being manipulative,after saying hurtful things to you and she starts crying.Dont buy into the crocodile tears.
ReplyDeleteHave you both tried therapy/counseling because your mental health and general well being is very important to you,your kids and your own family.Dont let one woman send you into stroke or untimely death.
If things arent working after counseling,It's better you both separate and coparent peacefully,the kids can stay at your place,since you're the better parent.
All the best.
My thoughts too. She needs to realise that she's wrong and if she's truly remorseful, she should seek help so she can be a better person.
DeleteYou also need to heal from the negative effects of her words.
Hmm poster from your write-up, your wife is emotionally abusive and manipulative towards you....Please seek the help of a marriage counsellor or therapy for both of you....If possible, invite both families to also intervene as well concerning her behaviour.....She might be going through some mental challenges.....
ReplyDeleteHave you tried taking her out for dinner or a quiet place to have a heart to heart talk with her and let her know the marriage cannot stand a chance of survival if hurt, abuse are in the mix....If you have done all these in the past and still no changes, then you might consider a separation for the time being...
Also look out for you too
All the best
Poster, your wife says those things out of frustration. Maybe she's not well taken care of.
ReplyDeleteMoney is very important marriage. Your friends too are not helping matters.
Anyway, if you feel your heath is at risk, both of you should go your separate ways. Your wife also complained of HBP since she got married to you.
Na lack of money dey cause una quarrel.
Both if you need to take care of your health.
You see those words are not said out of frustration o, she is saying how she feels. You better take her serious and look out for yourself first.
DeleteMoney is not a problem in the marriage, she’s well taken care of. She doesn’t have everything but she has enough for people to envy her and one of her friends tell me I should’ve come to the country single.
DeleteYes, she's saying how she feels because she feels frustrated. Listen to her, "You've never done anything for me" she also says she has HBP because of giving too much to the marriage. It means she's tired and frustrated.
DeleteShe is simply not enjoying her marriage.
Yimu her freind said you should have come alone so that her freind can have an affair with you and if you leave her one of those your freinds advising you to leave will be no 1 to have an affair with her if possible turn her to another partner. Why even involve freinds in your matter. Me I don't trust anyone o because my eyes have seen serious something on matters of the heart. Forgiveness and listening in marriage is key. All the best to you and family in Jesus name Amen
DeleteChildren should not be reason to stay back in a bad marriage because if you don't survive the marriage, they'll still have to find their way around life. If there's a need to leave the marriage or separate for a while please embrace the option and get custody for the kids
ReplyDeleteFelicity
I’m confused?. Why can’t you leave with your kids???
DeleteI say mean things when I'm angry too but I don't mean it lol...sorry I mean some lol lol
ReplyDeleteShe is using you, she said the things in her mind when she is angry. You need to sit her down and talk things over this last time, if she continues after your deep conversation with her please leave that marriage. Remember your life and health is very important.
ReplyDeleteIf you die how will you take care of those children? but if you walk away you can explain later when they are all grown up and you will be sending money for their upkeep.
You can take some time off from the marriage by getting a new place , separate from her for now and take good care of your health. Make sure you involve family members so that tomorrow the narrative will not change.
Don’t leave your kids. That’s all
ReplyDeleteI think you shouldn't disregard all she has been saying when you guys have your arguments cos that is when a lot of people actually say what has been eating them up and do not have the courage to say to your face when you both are happy.
ReplyDeleteYou need to take care of yourself to be able to look after your children. If it's becoming too much for your to bear, please take a break for a while, it may help reset her brain, you never can tell and if not, please leave to live.
Raising you kids in a toxic environment will only damage them, this is not right. You can work out a plan on how they can be well taken care of while you're 100% involved in their lives. Your life is valuable, please.
Its when you're angry, that you say the truth, that's when you say your deepest desires. Better protect yourself. She detests you already. Maybe she's staying coz of the kids too.
ReplyDeleteGo and rent a place and move out. Spouses like the one you have are a huge drain. The emotional highs and desperate lows are not healthy for you.
ReplyDeleteAs much as you want to be there for your children, your kids need you to be alive far more than they need you to be there. Any spouse that cannot be equally emotionally invested in making a marriage work is not a spouse you should think of building with. What she tells you in anger is what she means. If her finances were slightly better than yours, she will have left you long time.
Do what you can for your family but make sure you are keeping aside money for yourself for the future. As sad as it sounds, you are in the marriage alone.
It is time for you to be ruthless in your decision making. You need to start looking out for you o because you do not have a wife.
Thats why it's good to be quiet when angry it'd so hard to do but it's better, I think you should have a heart of forgiveness since she's always apologising else you will keep taking every word your wife says to heart; I don't condone that type of attitude but like you said for your children's sake stay and make it work. God will touch her heart, change is a constant thing. You have to ignore her and walk away from disagreements, I am sure you too have tentacles you show her as well but you didn't tell us your own bad side. Marriage is tolerance and forgiveness after all the bible says we should forgive 70×7 , thereafter we should continue forgiving. It is well, marriage isn't small fry
ReplyDeleteIt's also important that you watch how you treat her. She is expressing her pain through her words. She will not just start uttering such words with out being provoked. Action brings reactions.
ReplyDeleteMay God give both of you peace. And resolve with ever is causing you pain.
So sorry about your ordeal poster. Even if you're not divorcing her yet,go for separation for your mental health sake. Leave to live. You will only be useful to your kids,when you're alive. Your wife is a very sick woman,don't allow her to drown you,in her intentional quest to dehumanise you.
ReplyDeleteHusband and wife matter, i no dey put mouth, when u are tired of her crossing ur boundaries, u kno what to do. No be me go tell u to pursue ur wife comot for ur house.
ReplyDeleteWords linger longer than action. Advice her not to use mean words when you two have disagreement. Or learn how to walk away before the situation become heated (that's what I do)
ReplyDeletewomen are not the only ones to check themselves during marriage....what are her issues with you? have you addressed them? her problems might be not knowing how to address her emotions correctly or maturedly...this sometimes is a result of how people are raised....you both go for counselling so the root cause of behaviors will be addressed.
ReplyDeletePoster, aside the fact I don't support manipulative behaviours. I guess you need to find out what pushes her to say those extreme words. For instance, she said she gives too much in the marriage. Could this be the source of resentment? Do you put in your best just as she does in your marriage? Its best you have an honest conversation with her. Peace and love🧡
ReplyDeleteGod will give you direction on the step to take
ReplyDeleteWhy are u still in a marriage causing u HBP. Don’t you know how deadly it is? Maybe you people should seek counseling and if this doesn’t work, no be me go open mouth tell u Wetin to do.
ReplyDeleteGeneral advice: abeg, even in the state of heated quarrel with friends and family, be mindful of what comes out of ur mouth because once it’s out, you can never unsay it.
Oga please leave. She won't change oo. Co-parent from afar
ReplyDeleteMost people say what they feel in their moments of anger, especially those who are quiet and calm. If you want to leave, that's your choice but you see that nonsense talk of your kids looking for you when they are grown? Just stop that rubbish. Even if you are divorced, does that mean you can't coparent or take care of your kids? Or is this chronicle an excuse for you to be advised to leave your marriage so that you can leave the care of your kids to your wife only? Oga OP, do as you want with your wife but make sure you take care of your kids too.
ReplyDeleteContinue…..shogbo!even ur family members are tired n wants u out of that bondage! U know!
ReplyDeleteSeperate from her for sometime first please.. She's mean and talks carelessly when angry.. Hopefully when u leave for a while she will get the massage and if she didn't please leave completely and send up keeps, if u die even the children will live without u..
ReplyDeleteSeparate ke when there was no fornication. Poster you may suffer worse if you leave. The babes out there are out to eat the biggest fish without leaving traces. Please fix your home , communicate and ensure all your questions are closed ended
DeleteNa waoooo
ReplyDeletePower Of Anger can Make Some one talk nonsense and Rubbish
Oga hmmmm for your Mental health to be healthy
You know want to do ooo
See me they give advice o
Nah so my own be o
Let me not even Remember what he said to me when I just came bk from hospital
Even when I get belle for the second time
ThankGod Chikaodili is a Conquer 💪💪💪
Anyway I wave everything aside
Make I pose here jareee
Hello iya Boys
I think she has told you what she has up her sleeves. Be prepared for the worse! When a person is angry, they show their true self. You need to discuss what you are feeling and your fears with her, you two can however seek counselling and if it isn't working , it's better you separate for a while for your health sake and see if she changes. But never stop being there for your kids.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a separation will help for a start...
ReplyDeleteYou know your wife so only you can really tell
ReplyDeleteMy * used to be quite bitter tongued but she really loves her husband . Just when she wants him to be more aggressive in accomplishing something, she’d get frustrated and just unleash. In the end only you can say if your wife is acting out to try to get you to do better or if she’s just trying to be rude and insulting
When you look in her eyes what do you see. Is it genuine despair or desire to put you down
Bitter tongue a man to accomplish.
DeleteYimmu.
A man who has been bitter tongued all his life by parents to accomplish will not move and will even dislike the wife.
A man who has not been bitter tongued at all before will see as commanding and bullying. He will likely resent the wife.
Only lazy and weakling men get bitter tongued into success
Why bitter tongue, and not sweet tongue by reference to last time success when he was sweet tongued into action.
Is there any difference between bitter tonguing and nagging.
How many women like being bitter tongued.
Lol 19:39 say what you know
DeleteNot every family is idyllic like the previous one you guys act like ou grew up in
Some of us saw parents having tug of war mouthed fight and they are still together laughing about the stupid fights of the old days
Some of you know this but won’t tell the truth
He has someone’s child in a new environment. She’s acting u cause she’s lonely and frustrated.
When last did you pay for her to go see her people in Nigeria
You said she is not good with the children and she speaks unkind words when angry. Is she mentally alright? Is she fulfilled in the marriage? You need to have a real serious and deep conversation when everyone is good. Hard conversations need to be had no matter how uncomfortable they are. She may also be one of those ppl who feel they must win an argument by any means possible so they say any vile thing.
ReplyDeleteFor your peace of mind and sanity Poster, please leave.
ReplyDeleteNa who dey alive dey live o
And na person wey die, e own finish.
I'd only advise you don't abandon your kids.
Sue for shared custody and be involved in the lives of your children.
They're innocent and they didn't ask to be born.
As much as you love children, please Do your best to live and be happy while at it..
You're also important.
I say this all the time. There's a way you interact with someone when you have it at the back of your mind that you still want to be with them. Even in angry moments, let's learn to be cautious. Every single words overtime bears fruits considering that those words are like seeds.
ReplyDeleteYour friends saying comment about, "your kids looking for you when they grow up" is unnecessary, except you plan to avoid them along with their mom. Which is not right because their mom is the issue according to you and not them, so why are they subtly encouraging you to not be in your children's lives, but rather wait till when they have grown, when you have the same right to them just as she does?
The two times you get to know people's true thoughts about you is when there are angry or when they are "joking". Whatever they utter at those points is what they truly think of you.
Don't ignore the comments you hear during those times. You would do yourself a disservice if you take those words lightly.
I am wondering why she had to attack your person rather than tackle the issue on ground considering you stated you were having a disagreement not a 'fight' but for a woman who silently feels this way about you, I can only imagine how issues gets quickly blown out of proportion because of her deep-seated resentment.
It is admirable that you put your kids' safety and care into consideration, but not at the detriment of your health.
You need to be alive to be there for your kids even though you and there mom may not be under the same roof.
You can still be heavily invested in their lives away from her reach, if you peacefully co-parent and who knows, maybe that may be the nudge she needs to re-evaluate her ways and turn a new leaf.
If you really love your kids as you claim, you would do everything to be alive to be there for them.
I won't bother to tell you to talk to her because I believe you would have countless time neither would I implore you to speak to someone you know she listens to because personally I feel the moment a man or woman opens their mouth to say, "I am staying in this marriage for my kids" they must have reached their breaking point and the marriage has lost its essence.
Also, when someone has a death scare, I think it's unfair to cajole them to endure a situation. I honestly believe there are a lot of causes someone could die for and would make a great impact in the life of loved ones or the society at large, but sadly, marriage isn't one of them.
poster read this over and over again.
DeleteThis advice summarized everything.
DeleteProblem is she won’t allow me coparent in peace. She’s one of those women that will punish a man with the kids if she separates from their dad. I will also be killing myself slowly if I stay away from the kids cos I will always worry about them so it’s really dejavu for me.
DeletePoster fix your home in Christ Jesus. Call her and talk to her, Marriage is God's institution not Man or psychology. Fix it man and stop thinking of running. God will you and wife and the entire clan. Shalom
Deleteposter, you need to start documenting everything she does. and be ready to fight in court for those kids. women fight for their kids in court, men can too. If youre at a point where you cant see a way forard, then a divorce is the best option
DeleteIt is well.. forgiveness
ReplyDeleteHas she ever been like this? If not, it's resentment toward your conduct. If so, is she bipolar or a narcissist? For the sake of your children, you might seek professional assistance from a clinical psychologist, who will guide you both and put an end to the problem by determining the fundamental reason. I know someone who does the same thing and uses social media to call her boyfriend unprintable names before accusing him of being toxic. Everyone understood that her volatile emotions were caused by her mental instability—a maniac episode.
DeleteResentment from previous mistreatment might also be a cause. A competent therapist can assist you with any of the aforementioned issues.
Finally, bring her to the attention of a family member to whom she can answer; this will help to rein her in.
The children need a stable mum; you can help them achieve that.
God bless you.
Some people stigmatize couple therapy some people feel they know it all and can do it by themselves.
DeleteBad wife and mother - absolutely no redeeming qualities about her. Sir, why are you still with her?
ReplyDeleteExcuses...excuses...
ReplyDeleteThrow the advice from your friends in the trash!
You know you can leave your marriage WITHOUT leaving your kids, right?
You live in a western country - so, it's easier to file for full custody, and prove to the court why you're the fitter parent!
Usher has primary custody of his older sons. Ludacris has primary custody of his one of his daughters. Kevin Ferdeline got primary custody, while Britney Spears got visitation.
Though these men may be famous, there are everyday men with full physical and legal custody of their children too!
What stops you from being listed amongst them?
Husband man didn't tell us what causes the argument. In all you need to forgive and couple therapy. Also discuss with her that you don't like the words she utters when you fight. I would advise develop a hard heart and leave the house when argument brew for fresh air
ReplyDeleteI no dey shook mouth for husband and wife matter
ReplyDeleteBroda man, hear well: she is serious.
ReplyDeleteThe Bible says that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
She has plans of Premium gnashing of teeth for you if you lose guard.
Woman no good with her children.
Na you she go good for now or tomorrow?
Since you are in the diaspora, consult certified and competent estate planners and properly structure your estate to provide for your old age without her as a factor.
Have safe investment (preferably land property) out of reach of the courts of your country of residence.
Funnily, life surprises. She who is planning such EVIL for your tomorrow, may turn out to be the one depending on your goodwill or good heartedness.
Very typical Nigerian (even some foreign) woman thinking in marriage.
Lastly, make sure you ingrain yourself in the hearts of your children.
Her next point of action will be to bias your children against you. So, move ahead of her.
You have been warned. When she starts her plans, she will be merciless. She will salve her conscience by saying she forewarned you.
Stay in your marriage if safe so you don't lose your children and part of your life by payments to her. When they are old enough you can reconsider.
Yes, a man sent this.
You need to forgive o, infact my friend's husband used to be very saucy and narcisistic when we're newly married, he shouts anyhow he wouldn't let her talk in an argument or explain myself, call her names. She used to be quiet before but omo she started talking back o, this is someone that they built together. The moment she tarted opening up the times they suffered and all guy man cooled down, na she get mouth now in the marriage. POSTER you didnt tell us what you do to make her tslk like that. In all you need to forgive your wife and have a heart to heart talk with her, you also have to develop tolerance because this divorce is not easy even the process is psychologically draining. God will help you and family, I wish you all the best
ReplyDeleteUr frnd’s husband indeed.
DeleteAbi now.
DeleteLol
DeletePoster don’t listen to them
ReplyDeleteMany Nigerian women are lik this. Many Nigerian mothers are like this. Their kids still did well.
Help your wife become better
Not every time run
You can travel for a little while and give her some small space
Take your time to find out why she’s so hurt
Ose
DeleteTake this advice and start digging your grave.
DeleteYimu, all this people shouting leave leave, they will prey on you when you leave. Home breakers are everywhere ready to DOG EAT the vulnerable. Fix your home in the Lord Jesus Chriat. JESUS HEALS HIGH BP TOO. FORGIVE AND MOVE ON EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is the key to haPpy home
DeleteNa so.
DeleteTrue words.
Many Nigerian wives are like this. But when they send chronicles, they are told to leave and to remember to take "her" children along. Nothing for man in a marriage if the wife wants out. Plain truth.
18:10 your mothers mouth didn’t kill your father so why will he die
DeleteCarry your wife to the other room and close her mouth her. Run for what
Unless you sef don’t want to marry again
May take control of your marriage in Jesus mighty name Amen.
ReplyDeleteI am also sitting on this table. My wife can say hurtful things to me. Even curse follow. But on her good mood, she is the best person you can find. She will always beg and plead when I try to leave. She will say she doesn't mean the words she say to me. Theory states that when a woman is angry, the things she say, she doesn't mean them. That's what I follow, if not I for don Waka. But my kids future is at stake. But I noticed she can't leave me for someone else. She is obsessed with me. Even going out is a problem. She always wants me to be around her but why saying those hurtful words to me. It's painful. I can't change her. That's who she is. Even her friends come to complain to me including neighbors. Her problem is anger. But in everything I love her. She is the opposite of me. She complements me in so many ways. All the best poster
ReplyDeleteShe will change
DeleteShe will mature too
Mr rose petals continue indulging her do not put a stop to it. Obsession is a mental issue or is she BPD
Deletewell, at least your wife has some redeeming characters unlike posters wife.
DeleteMan double your hustle. Plan your life/estate well. Save and invest more than before for yourself/tomorrow. Acquire brain skills that earn money without big physical work for today and tomorrow. Bond tighter with your children intentionally - do all the small things children see as big that women instinctively do to buy children into thinking Mum is the better parent.
ReplyDeleteStay in your marriage. it is your best bet on getting your children and keeping your life material gains (especially abroad).
Recondition your mind to living with her without taking to heart the pains of her words. She has warned you enough. She has "worded" you more too. Treat further words as water off the back of a duck. Those words asking what you have done is almost every woman's question in marriage. Till a man dies in marriage, he never does enough for his wife.
It was in a Lagos (Danfo) bus that a man once said that "My mama tell me say no worry if woman say you have not done enough for her because any man whose wife says his good and has done enough for her is dead awaiting his burial". That is why it is mostly at the graveside you see young widow lamenting about the goodness of their gone husbands. have you see an old widow weeping at a graveside?
For your peace and health , Stop anything you do to trigger the conflicts. But that will not stop her plans.
"To be forewarned is to be forearmed".
@poster, some people say what exactly in their mind when they're angry or drunk. Both of you should sit down and talk about it alone, when you're in a peaceful environment. Deal with the causes of the issue. It will be underlying issues which you guys haven't trashed. It's very wrong for one to be saying negative things when angry to someone, not to talk of one's spouse. Words are powerful. Seek the help of a counselor.Let's be careful what we say when angry.
ReplyDeletePoster when someone utter a word then went back pleading and crying for forgiveness, know it was out of frustration and anger, those words are meant to get you angry at that moment, those words are not to be considered.why not have a heart to heart talk with her,let her know your fear and pains whenever she utter those words and please forgive her
ReplyDeletePoster is your wife also working or is she a full-time house wife,if the latter is the case then this is it.Probably she she want work in order to folfill her purpose. Please when writing a chronicle make it balanced.Your story is one sided or are you a perfect husband cos I've not seen one before.
ReplyDeleteChi loving
Lol
DeleteI think the poster's wife must be a housewife. No, be me to advise you on what to do. Deep down, you know what to do. The poster is afraid of something, so he has not left, other advantages apart from children. A man will walk away without looking back if he is determined.
DeleteBest comment!!! He can’t leave o,won bi da!!!! After u gave her that incurable disease???? It’s still going to be hotter than this,u know!
DeleteHa, this is sad.
ReplyDeleteI know a few women like this. Their problem is that they are prone to anger and they lack emotional regulation and control. You both need to learn how to communicate without using abusive words. If you are abroad find a great private therapist and work through your issues. Leaving is not as easy over here as it is in Nigeria. She can take you to court for child maintenance. Fight you tooth and nail for sole custody etc I will suggest you record her when she starts her kolo and play it back to her when she is calm. Many women like this say many hurtful things they forget. At the very least you will have evidence you can use in case it all turns legal.
ReplyDeleteDem nor dey like put mouth for husband-and-wife matter ohh. But poster the two of you should seek counselling. Alot needs to be addressed
ReplyDeleteI think you guyz need therapy before it escalates. Therapy would determine if the marriage will work. Thankfully, your abroad where to can get access to a good therapist
ReplyDeleteThe problem I have with men is when their wives express frustration rather than them work on the problem they start thinking of running away. What are you doing that is making your wife bitter?
ReplyDeleteHer behaviour is unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteBut Sir I wish you could answer some questions like:
How long have both of you been married?
Has she been this way from the scratch? When did you guys start living abroad and did this her behaviour start immediately you people landed overseas?
How did you treat her before you people travelled?
I may be totally but you see some women; they may endure the worse things in Africa but once their feet touch abroad they explode.
We all know women are powerful abroad and this might be a pay back.
Please go on a date with her when both of you are cool and talk things out. If you both can go for counselling I think it will help.
But if after all these and this attitude continues; I will advise that you go your separate ways jejely and then coparent.
Truth is that one day she may trigger you and you may do something that may land you in police.