STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
DIFFICULT SITUATION
Stella, I need an advice concerning my sister in law ( my brother's wife). I had something to do in their city so I spent a week with my brother instead of Booking a hotel but what I saw made me unhappy.
Mind you, the SIL and I are not close. Back story, I tried to love her as a sister but when I saw it was one-sided, I stepped back, besides she loves to do me and my husband. Sometimes, when they have issues where the wife needs to call the husband family to report the husband she can't call us and my brother does whatever he likes unlike the other SIL that calls us and report her husband to us anyhow and anytime and he comports himself.
Sorry I digressed. But I need to shed light on how the relationship between us is so that you will understand why I brought this here rather than talk to her so you can advice me.
The issue is when I got there, I saw a house help in the house. Stella, the house help look like a skeleton. I was confused. They are very comfortable and her child eats every one hour. So it isn't because of lack of food. I asked her (the wife) why does her help look like this and she said she doesn't like eating. It was later I realize that she lied. The house help eats once a day and the portion is like that of a child.
The second thing that shocked me was how her son talks to the house help. The son insults the house help anyhow and this is a boy of 8 years old. At first, I thought I was dreaming but it happened again. He said to her, ''I don't blame you when you did not go to school'', ''you are very dumb, get out of here'' etc. The house help will be laughing and when you scold the child the household will say don't scold him he is only playing with me.
A small boy talking to you anyhow is playing with you? You can tell the house help feels sad but what can she do. I can't write it all because it was so shameful and my SIL acted like it was normal. Her son is so mannerless even insulted her brother one day. She even makes excuses for the boy.
Stella we are not close so I just minded my business but on a second thought what if the house help hurt the child someday out of anger of deep-seated hatred for the mother. She slapped the house help and doesn't treat her well. My mind hasn't been able to take it that It is someone else's child being treated badly. What should I do?. Should I mind my business or talk to her or her husband about it? Remember we are not close.
MIND YOUR BUSINESS
If you talk to her or her husband about it, you will not be welcome to stay in their house again....The lady that is suffering and decided to stay, that is her cup of tea not yours......Maybe where she is, is better than where she is coming from...
If she did not ask for your help, then mind your business.
Tomorrow a better portion of the blame will go to the father for raising such a child and the mother won't be blamed cos he's a man and not a girl.
ReplyDeleteI won't stop saying and condemning this, we are beginning to see women raising up boys into men in the most wayward manner. Most of those words you heard from that little boy came out from the mother's mouth.
Tomorrow he grows up and insult good women, even beat them too and people will ask, ''Who is his father?'' Whereas a woman damaged him.
© TEEJAY
Teejay, what do you advice? I am the poster.
DeleteInstead of you to give advice you decided to attack women.
DeleteWhat advice did you give the poster nau?
Poster no mater how nicely you put it. She will have a problem with it. Is she stupid not to not know that what she is doing is nonsense
If it was her child will she like it.
Instead of you to give advice you decided to attack women.
DeleteWhat advice did you give the poster nau?
Poster no mater how nicely you put it. She will have a problem with it. Is she stupid not to not know that what she is doing is nonsense
If it was her child will she like it.
Poster, since your brother is not in town, talk directly with your SIL. If you send a message to her through your brother, she will ultimately know that you were the person who told your brother. She may very likely disrespect you in addition to any other ill feelings towards you. She will see and or treat you as a snitch and be wary of having you around her or her home even if your brother gives you full welcome there.
DeleteSee, wives may not like SILs and BILs who tell them the truth, but they respect them, always.
If and when you discuss with your SIL, do not be confrontational or condemnatory. Be civil. However, do not be cowardly in telling her what you observed, why it should be better.
First, present the matter in terms of seeking the betterment and welfare of her son.
Second, let her see the danger she faces if the boy grows up that way. That he may grow up to be out of her control.
Third, bring the house maid issue and tie in by referencing the consequences and the dangers of an embittered maid to her and her children though your judgment is that she is not in any immediate challenge because the maid in the house is very good minded.
In summary, present it that you are looking out for her and her son (your nephew). Present it that you are not condemning her because sometimes due to age and inexperience, some maids could be naughty.
If you do not trust yourself to control emotions and the discussion, use a well crafted and meditated and revised typewritten message and close the matter. Though written words cannot be twisted, they cannot be re-explained and be easily forwarded for mischief to biased persons. But they always speak for themselves. If you write, get somebody neutral to edit and strip it of all likely combative and accusatory words.
And in all seek counsel from your mother or other siblings. Let you all be on a page. If they say no, forget it. Clever wives know how to sow discords in family to escape blame in circumstances like this.
Now, questions as I am here to learn
Mind your/her business?
Yet men are regularly lampooned here as if ...
Was this not how those men were trained?
Even on this post, question(s) has/have been asked about the man, to drag men in?
But thank God for Poster's response(s).
If a male child is trained like this what should his wife or colleagues or lower income workers/earners expect of him or from him tomorrow?
Mr. Mann
Thank you Mr. Mann. Poster take this comment above. It's lit. Exactly my stand as well.
Delete© TEEJAY
Thanks, Mr Mann. I will try to be diplomatic as possible.
DeleteTeejay, who has ever asked about the father of a badly raised child? Whether male or female child. What you said up there is a big lie. When it comes to upbringing of children, mothers always take the praise or blame. You didn't have to lie like that
Delete@anonymous 23:08, are you minding Teejay?
DeleteWhoever questions the father about the bad upbringing of a son?
Seeing black and calling it white.
Do not mind your business, talk to your brother about it since you are not close to your sis inlaw.
ReplyDeleteThey should caution their son, he is very disrespectful and if he grows up that way, you all will "benefit" from his poor upbringing.
Also, you can mention it to your mom.
If you cannot treat your help like a human being, you do not have a business getting one.
Sluttychic.
Thank you. I will be reading the other comments, then decide.
DeleteSometimes I don't understand this Stella. How can she mind her business pls
DeleteThis is how they invite poisoning.
DeleteTalk to your bros, because any little thing can make that girl poison someone one day.
Surprisingly or not surprisingly, you are blaming just ur SIL for how her help looks and how her son behaves but ur brother is absolved of all blames abi?
ReplyDeleteMy brother stays in a different country and when he was in the country, he worked in a different state and comes home only on weekend.
DeleteWhat advice do you have?
Thank you Poster for your question.
DeletePersonally, I’d talk to my brother about it. Btw, except u left that out, there’s nothing in it write up that states that u can’t talk to ur SIL or that she would get upset if u did. You were able to ask her why her help was so slim and even though she lied, according to you, she did give u an explanation.
DeleteYou can also tell her in a discussion, same way you raised the question of her help with her, how her son’s behavior isn’t right at all. Her response to u will determine if u can talk to her.
Concerning the help you believe eats just once a day, you can tell her the negative effect that can have on even her own child if she doesn’t start treating her help right.
I honestly hope you actually painted the story the way it actually is because you also sound like a problematic SIL.
Nawa oo but OP already said they are not close and even gave the reason up there in the story. you are even twisting the story.
DeletePoster said the child eats once a day yet you are saying poster 'believes' she eats once a day like she is imagining it.
OP can ask about the slim part because that is an observation but the second one you are suggesting that she ask, about the eating once a day, that one will look like attack to the wife because she is not a child and she know what she is doing is bad. Else why did she lie. She will feel like poster is questioning how she run things in her home. You too reason am.
The poster is not problematic rather she is smart not to discuss with the wife especially after she lied.
You see how you did not throw insult on today chronicle. you did not insult the wife for being wicked. hope you will extend the same energy when the chronicle is about a man. 😏
Poster tell your brother, abeg!!!!
18:29, it’s like u want to be the one to collect the insult I didn’t throw today.
DeleteI feel sad reading this......
DeleteWhat really does it take to treat others with kindness even when the world has proved to us that we can't predict life?
I wish things were right for everyone honestly!
But life has left the kind hearted people empty but blessed the wicked ones, what more can I say but life is unfair!
To tell you that every wicked person knows she is doing a bad thing why did she lie that the help doesn't like eating why didn't she boldly say the truth?
They know what they are doing
Thanks Eka
DeleteShe will be welcome to stay whether she tells or not, please. So because of this the brother will tell the blood sister not to come to his house again? Is this how fickle some of you relationship is with your siblings? Nawa oo
ReplyDeletePeople who treat their househelp unkindly are funny and unwise. I remember the day I caught a house help maltreating a child and she told me she was only reciprocating what the madam did. The way I was told to mind my business ehn
Anyway, if the madam is not wise to treat her maid well despite having a child na she Sabi
leave them alone and mind your business. At least your conscience is clean that you tried. Let her raise her kid anyway she wants and let her maltreat whoever she likes. Face what you went to do there and leave when you are done.
I don’t support this mind your business thing.
ReplyDeleteYou should talk to your brother about this, after all the mannerless boy is your brother’s son. What is he doing that he can’t participate in the raising of his son to have common courtesy? Also your brother has eyes to see that his help isn’t eating well, what is he doing about it? Talk to your brother please, he has his own fault in all these.
Just know that next time you may have to book a hotel, and that may be better for you than staying under their roof.
The man is busy being a loving husband by letting his wife have full reins and reign in their matrimonial home. That is a second full-time job for today's husbands; especially those who want wives medals and public praises for it.
DeleteThank you.
DeleteThis is really sad and complicated. Was gonna ask you to tell d husband until I saw Stella"s comment.
ReplyDeleteJust ask God for how best to deal with this.
But you can draw the disrespectful nature of the boy to your brother. If not stopped, that boy is gonna be a big time abuser in future, with zero manners and lack of respect for especially d female folks.
I'm sure you don't want your brother's son to turn that way.
Then, of there's a way to draw your bro attention to the help's I'll treatment without saying so, pls do
Yes, it's complicated. This situation makes me wish SIL and I were really close. It would have been easy to address everything. Asides from the child's manner, I am concern about the girl. She is suffering
DeletePoster Instead of talking to your SIL....Why not channel this through your brother....
ReplyDeleteWhy should he condone such in his home; the maltreatment of the house-help and the bad manners of his son......Let him know that it will be on his head if anything untoward happens especially when it gets to the hands of the police e.t.c.....
Let there be record that you did something and said something...If they don't allow you in their home again, so be it....
All the best
Exactly...I will tell my brother about it and avoid their home in future, let it be on record that I didn't support the nonsense the wife is doing.
DeletePoster, i will advise you talk to her about it and even talk about it to someone else in your family, even if she doesn't allow you visit her again. We have cases of House-help / Housemaid carrying out some evil act due to the kind of maltreatment they get from their boss. For the sake of your brother's children, beside's the househelp too human being.
ReplyDeleteIs your brother out of the country? Why is it that men don't notice it when their wives maltreat the maids?
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that men don't have a say on how a maid should be treated? Why can't they ensure that their maids are well taken care of?
Poster, since the house help didn't complain to you, just ignore and mind your business.
Yes he is. He resides abroad presently. He asked I stay in his place since I was coming to the same state he lives. I didn't want to and wanted to book a hotel but he got upset that I always avoid his place.
DeleteHmmmmmmmm,so you don't know some women are green snake in a green grass?God! I have one that pretend to be good wifey in front of the hubby,but she's a devil in human form.😭my cousin brother wife,chai!this lady dealt with the mil but always pretend in front of the hubby to be good ,her mil died she refused to go forming sickness.
DeleteSo tell your brother what you saw. This is to absolve your self from regret and have peace in your heart
DeleteIt is the 21st century, why exactly do people still keep househelps again? Such a thing should long be outlawed. That's a practical form of slavery.
ReplyDeleteCodified laws should be put in place to regulate the hiring of helps. Basic standards must be adopted. And even more importantly, their welfare must be streamlined.
This madness of keeping househelps is something we must frown on. These helps are denied their rights and are assaulted most times.OP posted that her SIL slapped the help. That's assault in a toxic work environment. But what rights does the help have? None! Imagine this scenario in hundreds of thousands of locations across Nigeria.
OP, I Understand where you are coming from. Privilege turns people into monsters without them knowing. Moreso when they are in a permissive society like Nigeria. Let your SIL dare try that rubbish in the US or Europe.
OP talk to your brother. Voice out your concerns. Let him call his wife to order.
It is actually outlawed for any person below 21 years old.
DeleteHouse help work for any person above that age is permitted all over the world.
Poster I’m not really bothered about the house help if she’s an adult but your nephew acting like a monster. Give them serious warning and be prepared, if the woman do anyhow make sure you enter her well well, who born the devil! Tell her she has no right to damage your nephew the way she has damaged your brother. If your brother talk tell him he’s talking from a woman’s honeypot. Call him woman wrapper and threaten to report to every member of your family. No body has the right to chase you out of your brother’s house, not even your brother himself. That boy is your nephew so you have every right to give him serious warning. Take it upon yourself to install the training his parent refused give him. Poster okeye adiro ano na ulo ewu amuoo no ogbi! Don’t shy away from wickedness. I’d rather prepare for worse than to ignore them. They will never forget that my visit in a hurry
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
Lol @call him woman wrapper
DeletePlease Don't mine your business, that girl need your help, where she is now might being better than where she was.
ReplyDeleteWhat if she your daughter?
What if she your sister.
Will you mine your business? If No then talk to her . Just pass the massage,anything can happen , she might change she might not.
Any how do your part.
Mind your business has left so many at psychiatrist hospital. Mind your business has lead to so.many deaths and unfulfilled lives.
ReplyDeletePoster please don't mind your business. Let it be that you spoke up and she did not listen. You can talk to your brother instead of your SIL. Life is a mystery. That child will grow and become a torn on their flesh tomorrow. You cannot believe the number of children that are sent for rehab daily. For the sake of posterity. Speak up. Not only because of the maid but because of your 8 years nephew. Don't be quiet. If they don't want the maid, they can send her home.
speak up, and don't worry about whether someone listens or not.
Poster,please you have to talk to your sister in-law about your observations. The boy in question is your nephew. Talk to her from a place of friendship and concern not judgemental. I pray she listens,if not,mind your business.
ReplyDeleteHaba, Stella, that's a bit harsh but I agree with you though. Just not the way you put it. lol
ReplyDeleteOP, I think you should respectfully limit your visits to your brother's house. Should you visit at all, please do not stay the night. Personally, I don't go where I am not wellcome. As for the kids, I don't know. If I were in your shoes, I would gently correct the boy when the Father is around. But that's as far as I would go.
We are siblings and Stella telling me he would prevent me from coming over made me smile. He won't!
DeleteHe told me himself I can come to his house anytime and his door is opened because we are siblings. I wasn't interested in going at all.
I am open to answering any questions. I will be in the comments, guys. Thanks a lot
I'm guessing you are the younger sister. My younger brothers wife was like that. I bypassed her husband and told her that if she maltreats her help again, I'd personally see she is posted on SM and dealt with. She reported to her husband, that one cannot talk to me. How can a help sleep on hard cold tiles? Wake up by 5am, prepare food, clean with less time to rest? I had to help her mop the house while i was visiting. If she doze off, this woman hits her, and she is just 13yo. I am watching her, yes I have time.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you. Your own no go spoil amen
DeleteAmen
DeleteBless your Heart Dearie
DeleteSome Madam 's are wicked shaaa..
Hello iya Boys
Anon 15:41, God bless you for that, we gathered as a compound and challenged my former neighbour, matured single lady flogging her maid mercilessly all the time, the girls body was full of marks. Please, don't mind your business oh.
DeleteStella and her advice...if na your pikin nko? SMH
ReplyDeleteYou dey mind the dragon
DeleteHave a conversation with your brother and his wife at the same time on your observations and proofer a way out.
ReplyDeletePOSTER U DONT SEEM TO KNOW THE POWER OF A WIFE. U WANT TO GO TO A HOUSE WHERE THE WIFE DOES NOT WANT U EH- ABI U WAN BREAK YOUR BROTHER MARRIAGE.....
ReplyDeleteYOU BETTER THREAD WITH CAUTION, WEIGH ALL THE ADVICE AND TAKE THE BEST, HES YOUR BROTHER ALRIGHT BUT YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IF THE WIFE DOES NOT WANT U
Stella, there is no where she said the wife does not want her. Their Relationship is not chummy as MOST wives want it today except on their terms. But that is far from not wanting her at all.
DeleteI am a woman and I understand where you are coming from. I insist, If she doesn't want me, it changes nothing. She is just going to push him away. We are a close knit family and I wanted the same with her but stopped trying to bond with her years ago when I realized she doesn't want it.
DeleteI love my brother and his kid else I wouldn't care how she raises him or if the maid hurts him when she goes back to work.
Even people that have good maids despite treating them nicely ends up being hurt by them sometimes let alone this one that is being treated badly.
Families are different.
DeleteIn my family, my nephew is our full time business 😃
Talk to sil talk yo brother abd in fact tell that nephew that if you catch him talking one more nonsense to that girl, he will know you and his mother gave birth yo him together
Them never born the woman that will show me I'm not welcome in my brothers house because she doesn't want me.
DeleteDoes she know how we grew up? The sacrifices we made for each other?
Poster, your concerns are valid!! Speak to your brother and Mon about it.
Sluttychic.
Poster, talk to your brother, stay away from his house subsequently if you have to but don't keep quiet about this. You will save that young lad's life and help the maid.
DeleteYou should talk to her first, listen to her response and talk to your brother about it, Cause if anything happens to that maid, Plus her o, plus your brother, both will be in trouble. So say your mind boldly, not with anger,but with love, try to make her understand and if she refuses to make amends, Then you should mind your business.
ReplyDeletePlease talk to your brother about it but do it in a calm way.
ReplyDeleteI cannot mind my business knowing someone is being abused. The child will never respect the househelp that they see their mother ill-treats and abuse, he is repeating whatever he has heard. Bring up the matter with your brother and let him know that what they are doing is wrong and abuse against anyone is a punishable offence under the law. Whether the wife comes from a background where abusing the household workers was normal, or she is just a natural jezebel type it has to stop. Would the worker be within their rights to retaliate because of the continued abused? Would they be wrong for serving them a 'meal'? Your brother should setup a hidden camera to see what he got married to, unless he too is party to the abuse and does his own in other ways so he cannot interfere. There is a difference between reprimand and abuse, I cannot stand anyone who abuses others. Some of them will treat their dogs like gold and treat their workers like garbage. Fck an abuser whether they are family or stranger.
ReplyDeletePoster tell your brother. Whatever he does with that info is what is none of your business. You can decide to tell him anonymously.
ReplyDeleteA smart man will come back unexpectedly without informing his wife to confirm what is going on. That boy is your kids cousin, and your nephew. Find a way and inform your brother.
He can start to fix this fix this by making plans to have his family under one roof and be a co parent, instead of a visitor.
Arangee wife meets Anita’s abroad husband.
ReplyDeleteThis is the result.
Maybe your SIL is your brothers karma and the kids will be their parents karma.
According to someone on this blog.
Stella I no fit tell my SIL not to visit even though I don't like her, a fact that hubby and herself know. Family dynamics are just different here however we want to look at it.
ReplyDeletePoster, what if the house help one day, poisons the wife or the child?
ReplyDeleteWhat if she commits a heinous crime then people will start saying, had I known, what pushed her?
I am a guy and I have a househelp. I try to treat them well. They usually leave, after some time, as is expected but most, ask to come back or chat me up. Why? Because we treated them well and did not abuse our position of power. We were not the highest paying but we ensure they eat all that we eat and when we eat. They do not wake up at an ungodly hour to work and we talk to them nicely too.
Call your sister in law and talk to her.
She will frown, get upset, etc and will probably, not want you coming to her house, it is fine.
Also, call your brother and tell him.
Remind him of the possible implications or repercussions of their actions; from the house help committing a crime there (we all have our breaking points); to his son, maltreating people who he perceives are beneath him or serve him.
No condition is permanent, what if they because sooo broke that their son has to live with someone for food? Karma is real, either in this life or in the next so please, help your brother reduce the karma in his life and that of his offspring.
Wishing the best in this. Goodluck.
Nabucco
Poster, see this.
DeleteChaii it is well
ReplyDeleteThat person insulting me, please continue wasting your spit, i will never enable your comment.....Hahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
ReplyDeletechronicle that everyone gives opinion you are goung under anon to insult me, i return the insults to you.....
Sorry about that, Stella.
DeletePlease bvs different opinions are welcome. I appreciate you all.
Poster, from your first complaint about your SIL, it shows that you’ve been looking for something to complain about her. If not, why complain about her not reporting her brother to your family. Who reporting help?! If she feels that she can handles the matters in her home, then mind your business on that part. You’re a nosy and troublesome in-law and someone reading between the lines can tell.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I digress. From the matter you’re seeking advice on, talk to your SIL or your brother about your concerns. This is because it’s exactly that, your concerns! If I feel like someone is in a position that needs correction, regardless of how i feel, I’ll address it. So quit trying to make trouble where it might not be and talk to your SIL/Brother first before making a mountain out of a molehill.
Poster so from your response your brother is an absentee dad...when he was in naija he comes home weekend now he has japa'd ...he has failed as a parent too.
DeleteYou’re a busy body
DeleteAunty close your mouth...u wrote u spend a week w/your bro...bad sil...u spent it with his family...for your information..there is no issue a wife is mandated to call her inlaw....maturity says so..u are a 3rd in that marriage including all parents inlaw...inspector general...watching and counting how many times a child eats...is that child no your bro kid too...2 parent raise n train a child. Blame your perfect brother for not raising a well mannered kid. It takes a village they say...correct your niece or nephew Aunty know it all. Next time stay in a hotel too..
ReplyDeleteWhether she chooses to "report "to you or not should not be your concern. Because... Why should she? It's her marriage and it's for the both of them. Let them settle their differences between them. I maybe wrong but it seems you just want to feed on the gist of their problems.
ReplyDeleteAnyways to the main thing, i digressed just like you did
DO NOT MIND YOUR BUSINESS.
Call her and talk to her plainly, politely and carefully about your observations. Open her mind and eyes to all these things you have narrated.
Now even if you want to tell your brother, it won't be as plain as you told your sister in-law. Whatever be the case, let her know what you observed
It may surprise you that work has eaten her time and didn't get to notice these things. Let her know.
And also know that you cannot impose your opinions, but you can sell it to her.
HYDROGEN
Your brother is rarely around, so start by speaking with him directly. Be cool when you approach him and let him know how you are concerned about his son's attitude toward the housekeeper and the overall mood in the home. Stress that you're concerned about the long-term consequences this behaviour may have on his son's development as well as the possible threats to the house help's wellbeing if they feel mistreated. Talk about the effects of the behaviour while talking about these matters instead of placing blame. Put yourself in his family's shoes and express your care for their welfare instead of criticising or insulting his wife. By doing this, you adopt a positive attitude and maybe prevent conflict. Your objective is to promote mutual understanding and a more optimistic atmosphere for all parties concerned.
ReplyDeleteIf he doesn't deal with the issue, think about your welfare. At least you've done your part if he doesn't respond. Next, determine if it's the appropriate decision for you to remain in that setting or come around other times. Consider if you're willing to put up with the circumstance, and if required, consider taking a leave of absence from your visiting your brother's family.
Hmmmmmm when I read so many BVs advising the poster to talk to her SIL that brought bad memories to me. My sister was in the town where my brother lives & spent some time with them though my brother doesn't have house help but if she tells you the way the wife shouts at the husband to the extent that if my brother & the family goes for an event she stays away from where the wife sits or stays. And my sister also said that she's raising her children worst than this posters nephew yet my sister cannot talk to her because she came to her house.
ReplyDeleteNote when my brothers wife was living in the same country with my sister she respects her because my sister could be more than 8 years her senior. My sister said that she was so rude etc to her and we were so shocked when she narrated her experience to us.
Poster, I will not see my niece or nephew talk to someone with disrespect without immediately correcting the child, let the mama warn me not to correct her child again. For the maid, if the madam said she dont like to eat, I will go by what she said but I would tell her that if the maid is sick, it would be to her own disadvantage and would be better the maid adds more flesh and I would confront the maid before madam like " ehen fine girl so you dont like eating, if you fall sick na you know oh" then I would chip it in to my brother.
ReplyDeleteNow i understand why so Nigerians that was used to house help ,gateman ,driver cant live abroad even with their wealth
ReplyDeleteMy sister, mind your business..if the house help is tired, she will go
ReplyDeleteTalk to your brother not his wife ,you might hear more
ReplyDeleteTalk to your brother not his wife ,you might hear more
ReplyDelete