WAR BETWEEN MIL AND HUSBAND
My mother in-law is the best gift God can give to any woman.
From the first day she set her eyes on me, she has shown me nothing but the love of a mother. She is a shining example of selfless love.
My mother is late so she instantly took the place of my mother. She embarrassed me with open arms and filled the void in my life.
This love is constantly threatened by the war between her and her son.
According to the son, she abandoned him when he was 5 years and remarried.
Her second husband died and she came back to his dad again by then he was 25. My husband said his dad remarried and the second wife dealt ruthlessly with him till she died. He struggled through school ,his mums second husband died and she came back to his dad who also died four years after his mum came back .
My husband is doing well for himself but has refused to forgive his mum. He blames her for his dad's death and everything that had happened to him. Every effort to reconcile them is not working. I love my husband so much and I also love my mother in-law as she is the only mother I have now.
I invited her to our house for omogwo but my husband has warned me not to allow her touch our child.
As the emotional toll of this conflict grows, I find myself caught in the middle. My husband has given me an ultimatum: choose between him and his mother. The weight of this decision is crushing me, as I love and cherish both of them dearly.
The mother is old. He is all she has. You can see and feel the regrets of the past in her voice and eyes. How do I win this battle?.
As the emotional toll of this conflict grows, I find myself caught in the middle. My husband has given me an ultimatum: choose between him and his mother. The weight of this decision is crushing me, as I love and cherish both of them dearly.
The mother is old. He is all she has. You can see and feel the regrets of the past in her voice and eyes. How do I win this battle?.
Hmmmmm!!!!...This story made me so emotional on your behalf because i also had the best mother in law..SHE WAS THE BEST...
I dont know what to advice you cos i was never faced with this situation when my mum in law was alive but i can tell you for free that love always wins...
You may not be able to heal the hate your man has for his mother but please do not let him spread it to the kids.
Keep praying for him. Ask God to heal him and soften his heart towards his mum.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is wicked. I’m sure he leant from his father. No wonder the woman left in the first place. Imagine telling you not to allow his own mother touch her grandchild! Poster you should be more worried about that dark heart you married. This type will frustrate you should in case any yawa in that marriage. Is he her only child? Let her focus on the ones that love her. Onye kele Sunny, Sunny ekelee ya!
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
Because you haven't suffered deep trauma doesn't make you become ignorant of people's pain. Some pain go way deep. I dont blame the man, I will advice the woman to stay away and just help the mil where needed. Dont try to form close relationship against your husbands wish. She's only nice cos of the situation at hand. She's manipulating you. Be wise
DeletePlease stop.. Do u know the emotional damage he went through?
DeleteWhy didn't the mother go with him while leaving?.. No amount of regrets can change the pain he went through..
She should pray and beg for his forgiveness..
You don’t know the situation that made her leave. Most of these men will not allow their ex to move out with the kid especially male child. Okay she left him now he want to abandon her what makes him different?
DeleteFan Emmanuel
Some of us will always stretch any story to create a loop hole to blame men.
DeletePoster sitting by a user, don't dull 🎵
Some MIL are bad gan🎶
So u are torn between choosing ur mother in law and ur husband???? From ur write up, your husband is a good man and I can’t fault him for finding it hard to forgive a woman that left him in the hand of an enemy (step mother) to suffer.
ReplyDeleteIf I were u, I would maintain a relationship with MIL (since she’s good to u), away from her son. If he doesn’t want her touching his child, it means he doesn’t want her in his home. Don’t push it. Visit her if u can but don’t invite her to ur home.
You can keep trying to reconcile them but pending the time he takes to turn around, you have to abide by what ur husband said.
I agree with you Eka. As painful as it is,her husband has the final say in this issue, and she must respect his wish.
DeletePoster,kindly pray concerning this. I'm assuming you are a Christian? Ask the Lord to soften the heart of your husband towards his mum because at the end of the day,if he lets go of the bitterness,it would be for his own good. The Bible says that the heart of a king is in the hand of the Lord,and he turns it where He will. He can work on your husband's heart.
The Distinguished One
I agree with anon 15:43.There is nothing prayer can not do.
DeleteThis is a difficult situation.
ReplyDeleteJust be praying madam cos if you do too much, you could have issues with him.
Are you christians? If yes, how is his relationship with your pastor? Maybe he could speak to your husband.
Since he didn’t stop you from inviting her for omugwo, let her stay with you guys, that way you can take care of her to some extent.
Do you have a grown up children?
Don't actively get involved. Use subtle influence as any wise woman should know how to. He said he doesn't want her in his house or touching his child - no wahala. Find a smart way of pacifying the old fragile woman without rubbing it in how much her son hates her. Tell her to be patient and keep hope alive. While with your husband, you must let time heal most of the wound. As the kids grow, find a balance and see how to bless the woman with the love of her grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, your husband remains your priority.
👍👍👍
DeleteYour husband's feeling is very valid. Only a wicked mother abandones her 5yr old child to their fate. you and your MIL should do your love affair from a distance and don't force him to develop a relationship with her.
ReplyDeleteMiss Aboki, easy with the conclusion, while i feel sad that the woman left her son at 5yrs of age, we have no way of knowing what happened. You can't judge without walking in her shoes.
DeleteWhatever happened, she is back in his life.
The truth is the husband is the one in the cage by refusing to let the woman go. No matter what, if he has received forgiveness from God, then he needs to forgive her. While it takes time, it cam be done.
Eventually they will have that talk, what happened?
Will you be extending the she grace of it was a man that abandoned his child, remarried and came back only after the new wife died? Let's keep the same energy. The woman is very wicked and only remembered here son after her husband died. She deserves whatever she's getting from her son.
DeleteHmmmm, if your mother-in-law was in good term with his son, if she didn't leave her husband and everything was good in their family, would she have loved you this way or she's just doing it in order to get his son's full attention and love?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank God that she loves you still.
The only thing you can do for now is to keep pleading with your husband to forgive his mom. Don't go against his wish and don't let your mother-in-law know about what your husband said.
God can use you to bring mother and son together but you need wisdom.
Pray for wisdom.
Thank you!!! If she and her son were getting along will she be showing you this kind of love. She is using her to warm her way into her son's heart.
DeletePlease listen to your husband love her from afar
No mind am, she is trying to use the wife to get to him. If that son shows him love tomorrow, you will not believe it's the same woman.
DeleteOP. Face your home. Use your head. This is not your fight. Safeguarding your home is all you should be concerned about. If your home becomes a casualty then what have you gained?
ReplyDeleteYou did not mention that your husband is stopping you from with his mom. Relate with her within the boundaries he has set.
Actions have consequences. His mom is facing the consequences of her actions now. That is not your business. You will be a fool to loose your home because of a woman who could not keep hers. You push this matter further, that is what will happen.
The DOG has spoken.
Hmm Dear Poster this is quite an emotional chronicle; your husband has some childhood unresolved trauma and your mother-in-law made some decisions in the past that has caused your husband so much pain.....I can imagine you are being caught in the middle of all this.....
ReplyDeleteI believe Mama regrets her actions and has decided to pour on the love on you and your new baby which has made your husband so resentful about why she wasn't there for him....I understand your husband's hurt and his pains are valid.....Has your mother in law tried to approach him to genuinely ask for forgiveness for all those years? He would not appreciate all the attention she is giving you cause he would say why now? She is only available when things are rosy....
1. Please choose a time your hubby is a lighter mood; and have a heart to heart discussion with him; let him know you will always support him...If possible, let him see a counsellor or therapist to help with his pains and childhood traumas...You can organize a treat or somewhere private to have these discussions; even if he pushes back; just let him be....It's time for him to let go so at least he can feel his mother's love while she is here....if she goes to the great beyond, he will feel more sadness, pain and regrets...
2. Have a discussion with your mother-in-law separately; to let her know that her son is hurting after all those years...She has to ask for her son's forgiveness genuinely....Then allow her son some time to process his pain....
3. See how you can organize something with mama and her son alone....Just the 2 of them alone; just to catch....
Please note this will take time as the results or reconciliation will not be instant...Poco a Poco they will get there.....
Finally, what we hate we become but what we forgive, we overcome....
You are a wonderful person and congratulations on your new born...
All the best...
Lol. C.gpt gave me this same answer. If I edit and post, it would have been similar.
DeletePhoenix and C.gpt are 5 and 6, she no dey bother edit, not knowing that those of us like her, know how the agent sounds.lol
DeleteAll these anonymous won't kill me 😭
DeleteP.S Please pray for the direction of God and the Holy Spirit if you are a Christian....Please talk to hubby to at least give her the privilege to hold her grandchild and have that bond....Cook him his best delicacy 🙂🙂
ReplyDeleteThis is your write-up. The one above is meta AI.
Delete@15:52, 🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteThis one is hard o, please always pray about it that God touches his heart.
ReplyDeleteHmm this life. The ones u find that love u unconditionally, the sons don’t like it. The ones that don’t want u in the family, the sons are tied to their aprons. May God help us
ReplyDeleteLove your mother in law from a distance, call her, gift her in your own accord..... Let it be your husband decision if she visit or not..... Be at the back of this triangle and still show love from there.
ReplyDeleteThis is what every woman prays for: a mother-in-law who would love her like her own and spoil her silly with love. But it's sad because now that you have been among the lucky ones to be blessed with such a mother-in-law, you are sadly deprived of relishing this love by the very person who is meant to solidify it even more.
ReplyDeleteYou see, I am not even going to ask what happened in the marriage for his mom to abandon him because just like some fathers, some mothers also abandon their kids, whether the reason is justified or not. Well, I don't know. But for him to not be able to stand her this much reveals that, according to him, the reason she left was not good enough. He wears the shoes so...
Do I blame your husband? He has been badly hurt. We can only imagine, but no one can fully understand what he went through at the hands of the second wife. No matter how much we try to imagine the misery he was subjected to, we can never fully grasp the damage it must have done to him. The truth is, it must have been hell, and even the devil must have shuddered seeing everything he was subjected to.
Pray, tell, who doesn't have an inkling of how some women treat kids who are not from their wombs? From housemaids to a child of a helpless relative, now imagine that for a child of a supposed rival.
Poster, your husband hasn't healed, and until he surrenders his deep-seated pains to God, having his mom around would always bring back all those bitter memories.
You may say four years is enough time to bond with his mom and embrace forgiveness when she came back, but people go through traumatic processes differently. Though I believe if the father had not died early, it wouldn't have deteriorated to this stage.
I think the father's death finally ruined the little chance the mom had for reconciliation with him because one thing I noticed about kids raised by a single mom or dad who were abandoned by the other parent is that they find it hard to forgive if the loving parent that stood by them dies. Showing love to the other parent always seems to them like they are betraying the dead parent.
I won't also bother blaming the dead man because wicked stepmothers can be so sly that the husband may not even suspect a thing if he isn't always around. Some are covertly wicked.
The only thing you can do is take it to God in prayer. He alone can soften the hardest hearts. Don't try to force him to reconcile; that would make him despise her even more, and if care is not taken, he may start to resent you too because he would feel you don't understand his hurt.
Remember, she went away for almost 20 years, and wanting to be readily forgiven so fast is wishful thinking at most. You both need to give him time. She needs to be patient and understand the forgiveness he would show her will spread over the years till he can finally love her as a son would. And even if he doesn't love her as much as she wants despite forgiving her, she shouldn't take it to heart but rather understand that he may only love her based on the knowledge alone that she is his mom and not because of a non-existent bond she expects he feels that was never there considering she wasn't around for the best part of his years.
I won't say your mother in-law is wicked for leaving a 5 yrs old child because I don't know what make her leave in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI pray God give you the wisdom and guide you on how to go about it
This is not a difficult decision as far as I'm concerned. Your home first! Your husband knows his mother, stay clear so you don't become the casualty of their fight. Never invite her for any omugwo if her son says so. My mum is late too and my mother in-law stays more in my house because she has a good relationship with her son! Younger women should learn from this. Never abandon your kids if your marriage goes south.
ReplyDeleteKeep praying for him that God should touch his heart
ReplyDeleteSo pathetic it is well ,God will solve the problem in his own time and way
ReplyDeleteShe came back when he was 25 years old?
ReplyDeleteWow.
Did she keep in touch those 20 years?
Visit him in school?
Send gifts?
Celebrate milestones?
Pray, guide advise him?
Or was she fully incommunicado?
As a deadbeat mother or father you cannot disappear after almost 20 years and expect your children to automatically love and trust you.
You were not there for the most critical parts of their lives.
At best you were the vessel that provided the X or Y chromosome that saw to their birth.
And may or may not share the same surname.
Nothing else.
Forgiveness does not always come.
Life is not a fairy tale.
It's best his mother makes peace with this fact, and moving forward, live the rest of her days showing up as the best version of herself as a person and a parent.
You have to choose your husband, he is the one you made a vow with and is the one you are creating your own family legacy with.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure how this can be resolved. Perhaps professional counselling. I am not sure if your MIL ever apologised to your husband, sometimes a sincere, and I mean sincere and heartfelt apology is what will start to break the ice. No parent should waltz back into their child's life without addressing the past in full. Humans are flawed creations and tend to hurt the people they claim to love the most. She should do what is required and not act like she was not an absentee parent running after her own pleasures instead of being there for the life she created. If there was something else happening with her, she needs to confess it to her son.
How do you know that she truly loves you, or she is simply just using you get into your good graces as a means of mending the rift between them. She seems to have a pattern. I would not broker too much on her 'love'. Your husband knows her methods better than you do. If she was truly of a contrite spirit she would be working harder on mending these broken fences, you would not feel that it is your responsibility, she would know it is her responsibility and be moving every mountain through her own strength.
Get an aunt of yours, sister or someone else on your side to do the omugwo. Your allegiance is to your husband. You can love his mother but should never let it appear that you love her more than you love him or do more for her than you do for him. The last thing he needs is a disloyal wife or what appears to be one. Please ensure he knows your loyalty is to him.
All i can say I pray for Peace And Unity upon Mother And Son
ReplyDeleteFather give The Son A gentle and pure heart to give her mother🙏🙏🙏
Hello iya Boys
My friends dad and mom had issues and the mom was sent packing. The dad didn't allow her go with her kids and even changed their school when he found out she was going there to visit them.he also moved from where they were staying so for years she didn't have any contact with them but they grew up and went looking for their mother.They were maltreated by their stepmom who labeled them witches and convinced their dad that they were witches so he also maltreated them.
ReplyDeleteI think your mother-in-law should have a one-on-one conversation with her son and explain to him whiy she had to leave without him
If there is anybody your husband loves & respects, you can invite him or her to intervein. Like SDK rightly said Its a tough one but love will win.
ReplyDeleteWhat about a woman that did not abandoned them but struggle with pains to raised them alone and still tag them with her to her new marriage . Give them education. a home, an home with love , a security and sense of belongings but yet they disconnected from her. Poster we are whom we are . A child that will love you will never used your mistakes to judge you Bcos he too may not be a perfect father for his son
ReplyDeleteMay God guide you on this situation 😇
ReplyDeleteI understand how challenging this situation must be for you, trying to balance your love for your husband with your care for your mother-in-law, especially given the pain between them.
ReplyDeleteYour husband's feelings are deeply rooted. Being abandoned as a child and mistreated by his stepmother has left lasting scars. It's natural for him to have built walls to protect himself. Meanwhile, your mother-in-law seems to regret her past actions and wants to make amends. Her love for you and your child shows her desire to reconnect.
Let your husband know you understand and support his pain, even if you wish things could be different. His feelings are valid. At the same time, you can continue to care for your mother-in-law without pushing her into your husband's life. Visit her, talk to her, and keep that bond alive, but respect your husband's boundaries.
It might be helpful to suggest therapy, where he can express and process his pain in a safe space. If faith is important to you, praying for peace and healing for both your husband and his mother might offer some comfort. Healing takes time, so show love and patience, and keep communication open. Let your husband know that you love him and understand his pain while being honest about your relationship with his mother.
You're in a difficult position, but by showing love and understanding to both, you're already doing a lot. As difficult as it is for you, take care of yourself, too.
Poster thanks for reciprocating your mother's in-law love,I love women like you 🌹❤️ please don't give up, keep praying,try your possible best to unite your husband and her mother, bring in that one person your husband looks up to(godfather) similar thing happened to my neighbor,it was the wife that helped unite them,that mother died this month presently at the mortuary.
ReplyDeleteGive it time. I'm sure he will come around
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing prayer cannot do. Keep pleading with your husband and give it time. But as much as you can, do not allow anything affect your relationship with your husband ohh. He seems to be a good man from what you said, he's just hurting which is normal. People's emotions differ you know
ReplyDelete