ADVICE NEEDED
My guy is ready to come see my people but my family; especially my elder brother who will stand as my father is making issues from the whole process.
My dad died June 24, 2023 and he kept pushing his burial till December ending.
He is saying my dad will have to complete one year before he was buried before my guy can come with his people to do the needful. We waited till this year to get married, right now we have to wait again till next year before we can get married cos he said we have to wait till 31st December 2024 before he can come for my hand in marriage.
We are from imo state and my siblings including mum are all in Abuja. Not like we are travelling home to go do the traditional marriage . We even proposde to do just a sitting room occasion with few friends and we move but he is saying nope. My guy is from Edo state where their culture is different from ours.
I saw the frustration on my guy's face these past weeks that my brother rejected their coming. He told me last night that i don't understand how my brother has slowed his plan with marriage and his travelling. He wants us to get married, and travel together which everything is currently on hold till next year.
He already has an offer and the money is not even the issue here. I have spoken with him to be a little patient and allow my brother have his way so that peace can reign. My mum said it is not too good for us to do that cos it will look like we are rejoicing over my dad's death but she is still asking me when they are coming.
I am even confused if what she said is true or she is just saying it.
Please can someone from imo state throw more light if this is true? I was born and bred in Abuja.
Please can someone from imo state throw more light if this is true? I was born and bred in Abuja.
Please eh in cases like this, you will wait forvever cos it looks like you have a wicked brother.
Both of you should do registry secretly and travel ,when your brother is ready, his people can go and do the necessary....
What if after Dec 31st, your brother comes up with another reason, still gonna go ahead to listen to him? Before you know it's 2026.
ReplyDeleteI hate anything that has to do with delaying peoples' lives and opportunities. I am more inclined to go with Stella on this. Or you allow your guy to travel first so he doesn't lose his offer. Maybe also try to speak to your mother to talk to your brother, since she is asking when your guy's people are coming. The old man has died, may he rest in peace. Life goes on..........
DeleteYour dad doesn't have brothers? He can pay the bride price. Your mum should convince your bros and the elders to collect the bride price. From there, do your Registry then after Dec 2024, do the others. That's if the guy is meant for you o.
DeleteMao Akuh
Please Please please..all this wicked family members...tomorrow now,they will be the ones begging for assistance from your husband forgetting the ordeal they put him through!
DeletePlease and please, go to d court and do marriage registry! Simple n quick! But do it secretly! Don't tell a soul. Next year will come now and your brother will give another excuse mtchew!
They want you to carry belle before they will rush it.
DeleteMao Akuh
Don't carry belle
DeleteInsecure men use every small opportunity to feel powerful, be careful , fast and pray hard . Do midnight prayers
I don't know about your culture but in mine,they won't wait for over a year to have a wedding because one of her parents died.
ReplyDeleteYou both can do a court wedding pending when your elder brother will be ready but inform your mum and trusted siblings.
Marriage never too hungry you like that if not u will find uncles that will support you and proceed with ur marriage. It would seem like ur brother wants to be the weapon fashioned against you.
ReplyDeleteDoes he think your father in heaven will be happy seeing him use the excuse of his death to act the way he's acting?
See, take your man to do registry and let him start planning for the traveling, once the traveling clicks, both of you should travel and whenever your uncle is ready, you will both do sbsential traditional wedding. Your uncle is just being wicked and if care is not taken, you will lose that man and getting married might become a real issue for you later
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
*brother not uncle
DeleteYeah yeah, I support Stella. Don’t say a word to anyone not even friends. Just go to the registery and do it. Don’t post pictures until you have traveled out. When your family start asking, tell them it was required for embassy requirements. I’m also hoping it won’t backfire and your guy will stand by you through thick and thin.
ReplyDeletePlease weigh the options. Goodluck 🙏
Your brother is over emphasizing the whole burial thing...Is your brother married? if not he might probably be jealous, and if yes then he is wicked like Stella said. Hope your fiancé would not wait too long and look for another lady whose family are ready; if that happens you will never forgive your brother.
ReplyDeleteWhy would he be jealous? Some people take family matters more important than some others. Marriage is a lifetime thing and there is no hurry, you don't even know if you will discover something about your husband in this waiting period, DNT GO TO ANY REGISTERY, december is almost here, wait a bit more and use the opportunity to get skills you may need abroad and also ask more questions about your husband to be and his community.
Deletemy brother is married with two kids.
DeleteMy sister please reschedule to January 2024. Use these period to do more investigations about the man you plan to marry. Which country is he traveling to? Does he have a visa? What does he do for a living currently? Please obey your family.
DeleteI am not saying it is so in this family, since I don't know them but jealousy exists in some families. You see them doing everything to pull themselves down, instead of coming together to build themselves up. Bad blood. If you come from a good and reasonable family, praise God every day.
DeleteAnon 16:17, shouldn't the brother who is standing in place of father be the one to investigate the fiancé and encourage them to marry? If he already has a job abroad, he might lose it for delaying his relocation.
DeletePoster, please go ahead with the registry and plan your relocation, you'll sort out the traditional procedure whenever your brother is ready. Your father lived his life and passed on, it's not fair you should he restrained from living your own life.
Do not go ahead with that Registry without your family consent, don't try it, don't enter marriage in a rushed way, let him go ahead with his relocation if he cannot wait till January. To give honor to your dad is not a bad thing and 6 months wait isn't too long except you are rushing to have kids and time is running out but please carry your family along . Go into prayer and ask questions about the man, his community, their beliefs etc, so that there will be no "I never knew this or that before I married him". Use your time well.
DeleteHow long have you known this guy? It's possible your brother is trying to buy time for you to learn more about him. Immediately I saw Edo, my heart cut. Many Edo men have the tendency to marry outsiders and later go back to marry an Edo woman. I don't understand it. Don't go behind your brothers back because if it backfires, he will not be eager to help. Have you seen the offer? Do your due diligence o. All the best.
DeleteThis is frustrating. Try talk to your uncle's or elder ones in the family whom your brother listens to and respect. If he is still adamant, you can just go to the registry then when your brother is ready you have the traditional wedding. But I pray your guy won't take you for granted.
ReplyDeletemy brother is like mini god, he does not listen to anyone cos he got small change.
DeleteWhat kind of tradition is that??
ReplyDeleteWhat about doing it low key till further notice instead of delaying your plans, for how many years??
Shey I have said it before that they should modernize some traditions, life is easy like that.
Dear poster, your brother is being an enemy of progress oh. I don't see any valid reasons he gave for postponing the wedding. I just hope your fiancé and his people don't get tired and may want to back out
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to advice you sha.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost in the same canoe. Except that my people refused based on tribal differences. He even got upset and faced hos front.
He's back again, and he's still sounding it. That my people are making things hard for him.
The first time i was soft and respectful, this time around. We go give ourselves. And it's always one person causing the headache.
In my case. I'm an orphan. So my uncle is having a field day. (wipes mouth, i speak positively)
It is well
My bride price was paid 2 weeks after my Dad was buried. I had to travel back to my base and my kinsmen told my husband’s people, when they came for introduction, to do it before I travelled back so they were happy to. I’m from Anambra. No mind that your brother o.
ReplyDeleteKaren
You can go ahead with only the registry for now. Let your brother have his way for now let peace reigns
ReplyDeleteU better follow Stella advise, because ur may just travel and leave for ur brother..
ReplyDeleteIf you are sure, do your registry like Sdk said, and proceed. When they are ready they will call you to come and do formarlities.
ReplyDeleteYour brother is being difficult and wicked whether he is married or not, he is being inmature.
If you don't break this, he will continue to wield some power snd authority over you people.
Oya your kins men, over to you, what is she doing wrong?
I go with Stella on this.
ReplyDeleteMy late father was not even a year after he died that I got married. My Uncle wanted to do same with me but my now husband joined hands together and prayed concerning it,he called on his own free will for us to do the registry alone.
Best advise Stella has ever given!
ReplyDeleteMy dear,marry and travel with your man.
Your brother has plans
He will keep post poning
Yes Anon, Stella's advice is her best bet, my friend married exactly one month after her mother's burial. They are from Imo State too
DeleteLet the ;dead bury the dead', time waits for no one especially the days. Find a way and move on with your life. Go to the registry, it is cheap and a legal tender and you get to choose who your witness are. Even though they insist on parental consent, you can manage this. Relocate with your partner and both of you can return after how many years to do the family thing, opt for a virtual Nigerian/abroad trado or just send money to your brother and mum to sort out the dowry and kindred stuff. Don't let anyone or anything steal your destiny. Your late dad loves you.
ReplyDeleteStop misquoting the holy book.
DeleteIf you cannot wait do the statutory marriage.
ReplyDeleteBut not only your brother is delaying you. Your mother too. Your chronicle confirms it.Lets be fair to the men here.
Culture is also delaying you. Only 5 people are needed for a marriage ceremony. But our culture has turned it to money and other stuff issues.
You and your man are the final delayers of yourselves. At now, it cannot be said you threw yourself at him cheap if you secure his commitment to do the traditional when everyone is ready. Then move on with your life. Even if you don't do traditional marriage, statutory marriage is marriage.
Inside the family somebody or person's is or are looking for status and billing ceremony.
I’m just angry they kept that man for 6 whole months before burying him. Shyt like that is what should stop in every culture.
ReplyDeleteIn my culture, the dead is buried in a week or two. Southerners will keep the corpse for months, make banners, invite DJs, make pepper soup, prepare jollof and swallow, buy crates of beer and turn a burial into a feast. Weird, hedonistic people!
DeleteBv Binam i have to laugh so hard with the way you describe how they make preparations. We too na big preparation we do in our place. I wish we can stop all those unnecessary celebrations.
DeleteYes that's how it's done at Imo state,nothing like celebration or party until the burial cloth is burnt after one year(called Itópú Akwa mpke).
ReplyDeleteDon't know if any family or community make exceptions;but my own place it's that way.
If you need the marriage certificate for Visa purpose;then go to the registry and get it..
If you all are out of Naija and after the one year memorial;he can send his people to yours and your bride price will be paid in full;then visitors chop small rice and that's all.
It will even save you cost self;use the money you would have used for extravagant Trad,to travel and put in something else.
Wish you all the best,but if you know your man after travelling out won't see the essence of coming back to do the traditional rites for you;then don't take that step of going to registry;cos if anything happens in future;the whole village won't be on your side cos you haven't paid your rite to them traditionally..
Hope this helps..
@MARTINS
Also in some communities;for something like a wedding as urgent as this;they can just do it as a very private parlour wedding with selected Umunna.
DeleteNo music,canopy and other sereren,everything ends inside that parlour.
You pay the brideprice and cash equivalent of required marriage trad list,give your husband the palmwine and that's all;marriage don finish..
So check if this option is available according to the culture of your community/Kindred.
Wish you all the best.
@MARTINS
I'm also from Imo, I did not have to wait a whole one year. Our wedding was done in less than a year after my dad's death, no one gave us such issue.
DeleteOne of my sisters had a suitor that was asking for her hand in marriage before my dad pass on, after we buried my dad he camn back again with his parents after 6 months, but my elder brothers told them that we are still mourning my Dad and that my mum will not wear the mourning cloth and be given her daughter out in marriage. So they have to wait for a period of 1 year before coming back, by then my mum would have removed the mourning clothes and the memorial service and burning of cloth must have been done.
DeleteAnd the man and his family agreed to come back after 1 year . And they did so after 1 year, they married my sister, to the glory of God
This marriage has lasted for more than 15 yrs and happly blessed. And this man is one of the best in law in my family.
So it's not bad to process things accordingly.
This your brother sef. The bad part of it is that, this type of brother's kind don't care even if your fiance leave. But your mother should weigh into the situation. You mum should address the issue. Is she mute? why?
ReplyDeleteSo it could be tradition or maybe they don't like something about poster's man. Poster maybe you speak to your mother and brother to determine what they actually think of your man. Then you can really know where you stand.
DeleteTo be frank, just follow Stella's suggestion! How can you waste people's time like that? For what purpose really
ReplyDeleteBurial 6 months after is not shocking
ReplyDeleteWe do one year after sef in my area
Only concern is whether your brother did this intentionally to delay you but I don’t think so sha
I think his people can come and meet your mother and your uncles. Pick the date and let them come. Your brother will budge unless he’s the devil. They usually change once the day is picked
Don’t do anything big just tell them to come like three or so to meet the family. After that do court wedding. You can do a bigger wedding next year
I wonder why 2 adults will be waiting for people's blessings that they do not need to get married. Just thank God that you have a patient boyfriend. Someone like me would have dumped the poster's ass.
ReplyDeleteI'll accept if they ask us not to throw a lavish wedding. I'll even accept if they ask us not to invite friends, colleagues and associates. But making me wait for two years is unacceptable.
Why should the dead stop the living from living?
ReplyDeletePeople die and the bereaved still show up at work the next week. So what are we talking about?
When my Uncle died, his daughter did her wedding a few months after. She wanted to postpone until after his one year burial anniversary; I vehemently refused. She married and she is happy now; she recently celebrated 4th wedding anniversary.
If you don't mind delaying the marriage, that's fine. But your brother is not acting kindly.
I am Igbo also.
Shaaaa don't lose your man through this artificially imposed frustrations. A good man willing and ready to make marital commitments should be cherished and tightly held on to.
make una no delay too much cos time no dey
ReplyDeletemake una do everything on low key as una want do and face front.
This your marriage issue is almost similar to mine. I'll ahare mine when I have the time to do so...
ReplyDeleteIn my place in Delta state,that's how it's done. After one year.
ReplyDeletePlease follow Stella advice
ReplyDeleteThe mourning period is over, it is time for some celebration abeg, if they refuse just go ahead to do registry, magane ya kare!
ReplyDeleteI’m from Imo state and that’s how they doin my place. You mourn for one year.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your brother wasn’t ready for June burial that’s why he pushed for December. I don’t think he is wicked but being the father figure of your household. He might be protecting your family from village people wahala. Talk to him to find out if there is another way out due to your travel situation. Try to understand his views and maybe you guys can work together for a solution that will benefit your family as a whole.
I think the brother is worrying about spending again, I think that's why. He needs a breather but he could have said so instead of doing strong head
DeleteYou better go find someone that will stand for you and get married, before your guy and his people go change am for you.😎
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 16:17 exactly my thoughts,things happen for a reason but we failed to understand God's plans concerning us.poster take it to God in prayers be patient and wait still December.
ReplyDeleteSis I'm from IMO state too and your case is the same as mine, no difference atall, this your story is just bringing back memories.
ReplyDeleteI was told to wait for one year too after my father's burial which I did, it was not easy sha, bcoz we were supposed to marry before he died but my family kept postponing it.
Even after one year, the trad was fixed, four days to the wedding my brother said we should postpone it, mehn I refused, I said I will do it without him, my mum begged him tire, before he managed to come down a night before that day.
Just try and endure for some months but start holding your ground now before he comes up with another excuse.
Also be prayerful, some of this things are tactics of the enemy, don't fight ur brother, give your mum heat, she will be the one to direct the heat to your brother, that was exactly what I did.
Most of you because of giveaway you don’t have a mind of your own anything Stella is right bla bla. Poverty is wicked.
ReplyDeleteLol.
DeleteHope you are good sport as your laughter evoking comment.
Are Anonymous now qualified for giveaway here?
Many (about half of the) comments on this post encouraging her to go for statutory marriage are under Anon mode as yours. Or do you have a blog but went Anon out of cowardice?
You believe comments on the post were "giveaway induced", but you did not give/present your own advice or comment or suggestion.
You wrote in as Anon just to abuse others?
Is that not too Petty?
If the man is genuinely set to travel abroad and with her. Is it not even better they start the statutory marriage process now? In some States, the process takes longer time and that marriage certificate is generally given more credence by administrative offices than traditional marriage certificates.
😁😁we, Anonymous(es) and a few like Eka Joy (though I don't like her "ogboju"), Martins and MC Pinky, are the REALEST persons on this blog.
DeleteLike Stella proposed
ReplyDeleteDo registry marriage and travel
Then when your wicked bro is ready to accept, you proceed with the traditional marriage. Case closed ✌️
When will black man free himself from all these shackles of useless traditions ???
ReplyDeleteNa wa o, this elder brother might not like your ideal of getting married to the guy that's the reason why he might want to frustrate you guys to see the outcome. In my place, in cases of death from the immediate family, the burial will hold first before any joyous ceremony then immediately after burial, then outing service on Sunday the family is open for celebrations.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me like your br doesn't want a guy from another state to marry you so he is just using delay tactics to see whether you will change your mind. Have a private talk with him and plead with him to allow you to get married. If he has any other thing in mind you will know.
ReplyDeleteI don" think people are still mourning up to one year,it"s 6 mths and some eastern states are mourning for 3 mths. I am from Imo state, I lost my mum in 2014 and she was mourned for 6. Mths my younger sister got married a day we removed the the morning cloth. May be your brother want to know if your man really love to the extent of waiting for you. It could also be because he is from another ethnic group or because of all those old tales about them not accepting women from other tribe. This my view on this.
ReplyDeleteChi loving.
Never go on with this wedding without the support of your family, e get why.
ReplyDeleteWhat your brother is doing is nonsense. My father died in July 2021. My brother got married in January the following years then my sister did hers in April..we are from imo state as well. So there's no such law. Try and talk to your brother again..if he dies accept, do what Stella says.. please send us update
ReplyDeleteThat guy wey wan marry you no serious. He never marry Una don dey stress am.
ReplyDelete