Hmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
VERBALLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND
I really don't know what is happening right now.
I really don't know what is happening right now.
So I am the laid back, quite type. Hubby does most of the talking. Whenever we have misunderstandings, it is usually him taking me to the washers and giving me the story of my life. I, on the other hand will give him the silent treatment.
I don't talk back at him, I let him vent, overtime he would sometimes apologise and in a more calm manner now tell me the message he is trying to send.
The matter is swept under the carpet and life continues.
Most of our issues are usually a matter of perspective- I see 6, he sees 9. My husband is not a bad man . On a scale of 1-10, I would rate him 8. We have our happy days and our in-betweens. My husband has trust issues (which he refuses to admit) and is verbally abusive.
Recently, we had a misunderstanding with him shouting down the roof, I did not respond, but was hurting inside. The next day I did something I had not done before. I did a voice recording, where I said all the things I would have said to him and even more. I took him to the washers myself. I sent the recording to him.
The matter is swept under the carpet and life continues.
Most of our issues are usually a matter of perspective- I see 6, he sees 9. My husband is not a bad man . On a scale of 1-10, I would rate him 8. We have our happy days and our in-betweens. My husband has trust issues (which he refuses to admit) and is verbally abusive.
Recently, we had a misunderstanding with him shouting down the roof, I did not respond, but was hurting inside. The next day I did something I had not done before. I did a voice recording, where I said all the things I would have said to him and even more. I took him to the washers myself. I sent the recording to him.
For the whole day, my husband did not talk to me or react to the recording. Later the next day, he sent me message that he did not expect that from me, how I insulted him, that he has forgiven me and still loves me.
But then, his behaviour towards me has changed. He practically avoids me. The only exchange we have is a good morning, welcome, anything that has to do with the children, side business we run, the home-that is unavoidable.
I'm now wondering, how long we are going to continue like this, because it is becoming draining. This one time I spoke back, abi I should have continued letting him have a field day, for the sake of peace?
But then, his behaviour towards me has changed. He practically avoids me. The only exchange we have is a good morning, welcome, anything that has to do with the children, side business we run, the home-that is unavoidable.
I'm now wondering, how long we are going to continue like this, because it is becoming draining. This one time I spoke back, abi I should have continued letting him have a field day, for the sake of peace?
Hmmm this is how men are oh..He expected you to continue keeping quiet like a piece of furniture, you shocked him.....Dont apologise oh otherwise you will continue to apologise for standing up for yourself...Let him be and go about your duties normally...He will get over whatever is biting him..
Continue
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteFire for faya solves no issue in marriage.
Chronicle was written to type to get validation for step taken.
The first challenge in the marriage is lack of trust.
Even Poster mentioned it first.
But she is not so much concerned about that.
Trust issue are triggered or is learned behaviour based on past experiences.
Which is applicable in Poster's marriage.
Deal with the trust issues.
Half or most of the verbal aggression will be dealt with.
Though her husband has trust issue, he is running a business with Poster
Is the trust issue business money related, then stop the business.
Or is it a second man related?
Two major trust issues in marriage are money and extra marital affairs related. See how Poster just made it look like the man has mind problem?
He has gotten so used to you being quiet when he insults you. Good thing you spoke back (even tho na through recording). I am not saying you should be insultive or anything like that, but pls STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
ReplyDeleteTrue.
Delete💯, very manipulative man. Poster let him keep carrying face, he will come out of it when he's tired.
DeleteIt's good now that he has had a taste of his own bitter medicine , hopefully, this will teach him a lesson to stop his bad habit.
You are right.
DeleteLeave him alone for now,don't apologize,he will get over it and be more respectful.
ReplyDeleteMy ex husband was verbally abusive,still continued after divorce untill I gave him a piece of my mind,he never expected it and he would only chat to ask after his children but with time he apologized and everywhere has been peaceful.
Whenever anyone of us is about to cross the line,we just tell each,let's talk about this later and it's been peace for 10years now.
Never send a voice note like that. It will be used as evidence against you if and when he reports you to anyone. They won't believe you when you say it was a reaction of his abuse. Next time, give him his gbas gbos as e dey hot. If you can't face him squarely, then continue your silent treatment but add a healthy dose of hostility to it.
ReplyDeleteSo true
DeleteLook up and take this advise. Look for a way and delete that VN when you guys are back on good terms
DeleteGbam 👌
DeletePoster oya go and d delete that VN. Its too much evidence against you. Heres how to do it:
Delete- Put off your data/wifi.
- Now go and change the date on your phone manually to a day before the day it was sent. Eg change it to 23rd march if you had sent it on the 24th of march.
You may need to remove the automatic option for time settings.
- Go back to WhatsApp and delete: select delete for everyone
- done.
MmaNwachukwu
Hmmmmm
ReplyDeleteI have one at home, I'm always quiet too, but I'm beginning to get tired, in fact, I'm tired ni, in a month, we can keep malice for 20 out of 30 days, I'm now used to being alone, I've always enjoyed my space though. But what I usually do is for me to record his voice whenever he's venting and when we reconcile or someone has to intervene, he will lie and my VN is always my saving grace. Already thinking of moving on jare. We have just a child together, and now that I'm thinking maybe I should try and birth one more, my period has refused to come since Nov, I've never experienced this before, never on any birth control, we've been on withdrawal, I'm not even taking it serious because I'm just tired of everything joor 😡😡😡😡 36 and nothing to show for it, this life no just balance my people. But if you see me in person, I'm the most cheerful, happy and friendly person you will always like to have around not knowing what I'm passing through
ReplyDeletePoster you shouldn’t have sent him that voice recording cos he will keep it and may use it against you while he deny every hurtful words he has said to you. However do not apologize. He’s my type that will act mad one minute the next minute I’m sober. How to deal with us is keep doing that thing that pains us while keeping silent. Give us silent treatment, it takes away peace from us.
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
This is very toxic. N should not be normalized. You have a lot of childhood trauma to heal from.
DeleteI don’t understand why you said childhood trauma, please explain
DeleteFan Emmanuel
Lmao... Yvonne come back and explain, maybe Fan can repent
DeleteTwo wrong can't make a right. You are trying to be calm when he gets angry for peace to reign but he didn't see that as a sign of respect.
ReplyDeleteSometimes they take being calm or silence for weakness.
Men I think naturally have ego. Mature minds know how to make it up even when they feel they are too proud to say " I'm sorry", .
Any day he is in a good mood, talk to him and tell him how his attitude is affecting you.
Just continue to relate to him like nothing happened..
ReplyDeleteTalk to him even if he doesn't talk to u, joke with him, play with him, just continue to behave normal to him..
Now he knows u won't be quite again, let it sink to his brain and get over himself.. He will come around 😂
Joke with him ke? When serious matter dey ground?? When he’s yelling at you? Can you do or take this your own advise? Na wa o.
DeleteFrom your write up when he lashes out you don’t react verbally rather you use silent treatment to express your hurt.
ReplyDeleteThis time you lashed out verbally, he’s hurt and using almost same method you use.
He hurt you first, then you reacted by hurting him too maybe even more.
He’s hurt. You must realize this, he has withdrawn mostly because he never expected that level of harshness from you even though he may have triggered it.
If you can plan a date. Take him out to somewhere nice and cool. Have a nice meal, listen to good relaxing music then sort out your differences.
You both deserve apologies from each other. And decided on more constructive ways to vent and resolve your conflicts with out the verbal abuse.
Remember, don’t go accusing him, that would put him on defensive and you won’t achieve much. Be very honest and objective. Let peace be the goal not who is right or wrong.
Good luck
😂 this advice is advicing 😂
DeletePlease poster just do as Stella says. Don’t go organizing any dinner or outing because you keep doing it for the rest of your life even when you are the victim. How many times did he take you out to apologize for any misunderstanding?
You are wise!
DeleteYvonne no vex my sister but does this kind of thing work? Especially in Nigeria? I’m mad at you then you invite me to a cool place then expect me to eat ? Expect me to listen to music?? No matter how good the music is it will be peppering my ears. No matter how hungry I am the food will come as an insult to me
DeleteFan Emmanuel
Poster, how many ears do you have? Two abi? The above is the wisest counsel on this matter for you. You yourself scored your hubby 8 out of 10. That is an excellent grade by all standards. On this issue, if you follow the above, the issue of verbal abuse will be resolved once and for all. All the very best
Deletelmao @fan. when I'm mad at someone and they go through all that trouble just to resolve our differences, it actually shows me the person values our relationship and cares about how I feel. that's a major green flag and btw good food always put me in a much better mood not to mention the music.
Delete@ fan, maybe you have not gone to a proper restaurant or bar that will over whelm you.
DeletePoster both of you get am for body...Take it easy...Only that you REACTED rather than RESPONDING to the issue on ground...I wish you never sent that voice note but rather you had a conversation with him telling him how he should never speak to you in that manner...
ReplyDeletePlease save us the Good O' Meter ratings; a kind person will watch his/her words, have some restraints and be self-aware about how his words would affect the other person...Your husband is verbally abusive and that is an ABUSE....
You guys will always disagree on certain things but you both will resolve that you would compromise to reach a consensus for a peaceful home front...Both of you ain't communicating and it is time to trace back your steps....
Nothing stops you to speak up about your feelings even when the situation is calm...Sweeping issues under carpet will cause an implosion...Allow him come around then once the atmosphere is cool; please address the issue head on if you guys can go for a weekend getaway, relax and trash your issues.....
All the best...
You no lie,both of una,na the same,but that's what marriage is about. Apologise to him,since he also does same,after lashing out. But try and minimise the triggers. God bless your home 🙏🏿
DeleteShe said that he has been insulting her and telling her all sorts but she chose to be silence. She only served him his own and he started giving her attitude. How can you give what you can't take.
DeleteIf he felt bad about that, he should know how she feels each time he insults her.
I don't have much to say but few things.
ReplyDeleteMadam, next time you want to vent at your husband, please do that without the insults. Put your points straight across to him. No matter what, he's still your husband.
Good you rated him 8 out of 10. That's to show he's a good man with some flaws which isn't a threat of domestic violence.
Please for the insult part, retract it and apologize to him. Let it be on the record that you felt bad about your words to him. Don't drag shoulders with such a man you rated that high at home. If not for anything, at least he still loves and see you as his precious wife.
It's not green outside afterall. So please guide your home very well..
© TEEJAY
Hmmmm TJ, but the man can insult her as often as he wants right? Let’s be honest, if you were in her shoes or she’s your sibling coming to you to vent, will you be happy hearing this? In all honesty at some point, one must react. Letting him having a taste of his own medicine FOR ONCE is good. The verbal abuse will reduce because at this point, he has realized she isn’t a pushover and probably one that keeps record. I’m not supporting her insulting him but once in awhile, she needs to shake him a bit.
Delete@ TWE, there's a better way to vent and express her grievances without the insult is all I'm saying... I don't support the husband acts but then, there's a reason she's the woman.
DeleteShe's free to get mad at him and respond back to him if need be but insulting a man that feeds and harbour you is a big NO to me and I won't even encourage or advise my sisters to do that to their husband.
©TEEJAY
🙌🏽 correct!!!!!! seeing it from this angle seems a better way.
DeleteBased on your analogy, TEEJAY, a man can shout and insult the wife all he wants and she keeps mute because of say na him dey feed am, you men, should learn decorum and stop being verbally abusive! Do not dish what you cant stomach..,kmt
DeletePOSTER DO NOT TAKE TJ'S ADVICE!
DeletePoster,I applaud you because you are a very peaceful person,it's not your fault,you got overwhelmed and reacted,you feel drained because you want peace to reign,it's men and their ego,just apologize if that will make peace to reign,like you said your husband is not a bad person,just do anything you can to make your house a home again.
ReplyDeletePoster I can understand your pain. Believe me, practically everything your husband says to you in the thick of anger are things he doesn't mean. Stella says that's how men are. Perhaps she is right. Perhaps she isn't. It is a weakness for a great number of men though.
ReplyDeleteIt is good you were able to vent. You need that let out. Your husband should know how his words hurt. No man is perfect. I know the verbal abuse can tend to wipe out memories of his good side. That is very understandable.
I'll not advise that you apologies for letting him know how you feel. Your feelings are important and they shouldn't be neglected. Give him all the time he needs to sulk. He will come around. In the meantime though, a little soul searching on your part may help. What exactly triggers the outbursts that results in name calling and can that trigger be avoided?
Keep letting him know you strongly object to his verbal abuse and hope that he gets the message. Him throwing the story of your life that you shared with him in confidence back at your face is regrettable. I can understand why most women would rather prefer to keep the past in the past. To avoid situations such as you are in.
Overall, I feel the situation can be managed. Patience on your path and understanding on his.
But OP why did you record your own side of your insults back at him? Don't you know you have given him evidence in case he wants to report you to the internet or his acqauitnces? Next time everytime he says things you hate quickly let him know. It seems he takes your none constitutional nature for granted. You have to let him know where it hurts without being mean. Also record him insulting you for posterity sake. You can make videos.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, please don't apologise but however, find a way to delete that video from his phone because he will keep listening to it over and over again and it's going to cause issues...your husband sounds like a grudge keeper
ReplyDeleteGive anybody that likes shouting at you just two to three times grace, then shout back anytime he tries it again. Keep shouting same way they shout at you if you know you didn't wrong him much. Continue, it will reset his brain one day, it works. You can't keep shouting at me on issues that can be settled amicably. Am I a kid? Am I your househelp? For how long will I keep hearing those harsh sounds of bitterness coming from a man that is supposed to be the love of my life? No way, I can't allow that to thrive. If you respect me, I respect you. That is why I am gathering things that will help me make my own money in future so I won't be at the mercy of any man or anybody at all. The energy you use to relate with me is what I will use to relate with you. My mind skips when someone yells at me but if you must shout then it should be that I have committed an abomination. I can't even wrong a husband that respects me.
ReplyDeleteThank God I didn't marry those years when I used to obey people like a fool. By now who knows what my husband would have turned me into . You can't keep disrespecting me and you espect me not to react the way it pleases me.
Give anybody that likes shouting at you just two to three times grace, then shout back anytime he tries it again. Keep shouting same way they shout at you if you know you didn't wrong him much. Continue, it will reset his brain one day, it works. You can't keep shouting at me on issues that can be settled amicably. Am I a kid? Am I your househelp? For how long will I keep hearing those harsh sounds of bitterness coming from a man that is supposed to be the love of my life? No way, I can't allow that to thrive. If you respect me, I respect you. That is why I am gathering things that will help me make my own money in future so I won't be at the mercy of any man or anybody at all. The energy you use to relate with me is what I will use to relate with you. My mind skips when someone yells at me but if you must shout then it should be that I have committed an abomination. I can't even wrong a husband that respects me.
ReplyDeleteThank God I didn't marry those years when I used to obey people like a fool. By now who knows what my husband would have turned me into . You can't keep disrespecting me and you espect me not to react the way it pleases me.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 you sef
DeleteI believe you a thug or I am not sure u even married cos u kinda not feeling fine
DeleteYou have both switched places and acting confused in unfamiliar terrain and you now feel awkward trying to navigate the new realities you aren't accustomed to.
ReplyDeleteYou may keep quiet when he raises his voice but you know it doesn't end there. You revel in the indifference you show him when you act cool like a cucumber and he on the other hand goes ballistic and rages. You prolong it till it becomes a silent treatment. You may not utter a word but you also wield your weapon of silence till he gets restless and apologises to you.
There is no point in letting the issue drag anymore. Yes, he verbally abused you first but despite your vituperations, he went ahead to message you and told you he still loves you even after you had reciprocated and verbally abused him in return. Which was a day after you both went silent on each other, right? You both kept malice on the day you sent the message but after he slept on it, the next day he messaged you to tell you he is hurt but loves you. Well, that was him simply leaving the floor open for a conversation with you so you guys could talk about it but did you reply to the message? You ignored it.
Why wait till it tips over? Yet It bothers you, hence your reason for bringing it here. So stop waiting for him to come to you or are you waiting for him to message you again?
Trust me, this is a new dawn and a better approach to handling issues the right way would suffice moving forward, considering you both can now see clearly how your manner of approach hurts each other because you have been in each other's shoes.
Kindly give us an update.
Words on Marble.
I don't like using the g word but this her husband is a gaslighter, he knows deep down in his heart that he caused that reaction from his wife and should be the one apologising first, instead he's 'dishing out' forgiveness like he's the assaulted, tamabout I have forgiven and still love you, ahh.
DeleteShouldn't the recording be a wake up call for him to realise how painful his words are to his wife? But mba, he still wants to coerce an apology from his wife without him doing the needful.
Omo, stella I have tayed on your blog....I recall a story many years ago where the lady did something similar...oldies will remember...Jeez
ReplyDeleteStella advise no be here na u get the marriage o. I advise instead of apologizing you both seat down and talk things through. U both need to compromise. Instead of dealing in silence.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I don't believe in just brushing things under the carpet with "apologies ". You should ask him to sit down with you to talk things through properly nd apologise to each other truly. I think you should get marriage counselling from a licensed therapist
ReplyDeleteHe would be alright Las Las. Let him have a taste of his own medicine and see how it feels.
ReplyDeleteDon't even know the right advice for this.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
The Lord will speak peace to the storm in your marriage in Jesus Name
What of the trust issue. Poster evaded it. Who is her husband distrustful of and why.
ReplyDeleteThis is a toxic relationship. Insults and shouting have no place in a marriage. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire. Disagreements are fine though.
ReplyDelete