Hmmmm.......
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARRIED TO ONES SELF
Stella I'm tired .
My husband is abroad and I have been in Nigeria with the kids for the past 10years, he has visited twice in this 10years.
I have endured insults,my mental health,my blood pressure,I'm confused.
I want to take my kids and go and quit the marriage,my parents have told me to leave but I feel for the kids,taking them away from their rights,so i have beared and managed.
I have never had any affair all these years,I have been faithful but he calls me ashewo,mad woman,mannerless,poor and many other derogatory names.
I work but my income can't pay kids fees ,we can feed with it,we live in our own house so we don't pay rent.
Recently he said he is no longer interested in me or the kids because he insulted me and I in return insulted him.
Stella,if I leave my kids,I will never see them again,he will make therm hate me,if I go with them how will I care for them. I'm just tired of this life,the thought of killing myself is filtering into my mind.
Bear with me if I seem distorted
Kill yourself because of what? if you wanna leave, please do so with your kids..
what are you having such thoughts for`?I cannot believe you have only seen your husband two times in ten years,WHAT!!!
He must be married abroad otherwise i dont understand why he stays away and has not tried to relocate you or the kids.
And then the disrspect with name calling? OMG!!!
it is obvious that you are married to yourself and need to find a life....Leave if it will put your mental health back in a healthy state....If he doesnt send money for you and the kids, please manage whatever you can, things will work out for you somehow....
Wicked man!!
So sorry about your ordeal,please don't entertain the thought of suicide,you're the only parent,the kids know,brace up yourself and double your hustle. 🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteChaii leave go where?
DeleteCan u not enjoy yourself while at it?
If u like carry marriage and children for head as if you came or are leaving with any of them
Get yourself a sweet looking guy and flex codedly!
Be nice to him on phone and pet him so he go dey drop grooving money jor
If u want to leave hook me up with him, na this kinda life I dey imagine
U never cheat before see ur mouth oya go and carry cup of fidelity
Poster, going by your post, you need to leave that man asap or try to get a visa for you and your kids and relocate, make sure you keep all the evidence of abuse so you can use it as a reason for asylum. If you cant afford to travel, stop taking his calls, dress well, make yourself happy, you could enrol your kids in government school because if anything happens to you God forbid your kids may not even finish school so be grateful if they can attend government school at the moment. Pls reduce any financial burden you have and stop taking that man's call. Work for the peace you desire by removing that negative energy from your life. Leave that man alone and move on with your life. You can get a skill if you can afford to just to keep extra busy and never forget your prayers.
DeleteIt is well ooo
DeleteI feel your chronicle isn't complete. Why is he calling you ashawo? What led to that? Is it that you skipped some informations or what.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I feel so sorry on your plight. If he has told you to go, I think you should listen to your family asking you to leave as well. Twice for ten years is very wrong for a husband to visit his family.
He probably don't love and want you anymore. Go and invest in yourself and take care of the kids.
© TEEJAY
Must he have a reason to call her an ashawo?????
DeleteI believe she skipped some part, how do u stay faithful to dis kind of man biko?
DeleteSo if kpai urself who loose?
Sell the house, relocate to a smaller, cheaper, safer place
DeleteMove on with your life
Candy,
DeleteA man just don't start calling a woman ashawo just like that let alone his wife. I'm not saying the woman did something here but looking at the chronicle you will agree with me that, some details were omitted.
Probably, the man could be getting information from people in Nigeria or just maybe they have had issues before. Believe me, there's a thing that warrant it. I'm not accusing poster but we should understand too that sometimes people tell stories on how it favours them.
© TEEJAY
Teejay you haven't seen abusive humans and disgusting words. I can relate to this because of what I have experienced from men I haven't met.
DeleteWhen you know who you are those words won't get to you.
If what she said is true,her husband is an ' agbero ' by calling her all those names like " ash*wo.
Women get called ash*wo just for being women.
DeleteSome people just feel that it's the best/highest insult for a woman.
Imagine what is being said about the new Zenith Bank CEO despite all her achievements and verified hard work and qualifications.
So TEEJAY, she really might be saying the truth.
You said you don't want to leave your kids with him, so if you kill yourself, what will happen to them? You have only seen him 2ce in 10years, he calls you derogatory names, said he's no longer interested. Your parents said you should leave, but you still wanna stay put. 🤦♀️
ReplyDeleteOh no!.
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry to hear about this.
Technically, you are not in a marriage. I honestly don't want to believe that if this same man you described here lands Nigeria, you will willingly have sexual relations with him because I just can't.
If he still caters for the children in terms of their feeding, school fees and clothing, then I think you should continue to stay in the house since you don't pay rent.
And even if he doesn't, you still have house rent covered while you think of your next line of action.
The name calling is a reflection of himself and lifestyle wherever he is.
if you kill yourself don't you think those kids you have been thinking of will suffer without a mother? your husband dose not care about the kids and you want to leave them behind for him to take care of them? Please leave this marriage already with your children. Find love and remarry if you will want to do that. Your husband is over there enjoying his life and having another family while you are here answering MRS from people's lips.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is very wicked, for 10 years he could not relocate you guys or even empower you to have a good business? I cannot have a husband abroad for over two years and he will not come for me and the children i will allow him remain there. I will pray powerful prayer and send him back to naija, is better we are here together suffering than he will be there alone enjoying life while i am here to suffer with the children. Your family asked you to leave but you refused to leave this shameless marriage and said your children's right, are they even getting any right from your husband?
madam, sale that house and use the money to get another house in a different place and start some business to add up to what you have. If you have any business or property in your place, sale them off and move on. That man is very wicked to have abounded you for that long and still bad mouth yopu.
Story owner I wish I could contact you. My own is 7 years of marriage to a husband in another country with kids as well. The insults are the same. He makes it seem like the marriage is not a do or die affair for him. These men operate in the same way. For anyone reading this, do not go into a marriage with conditions that you can't bear forever e.g the person living far away or living in an in-laws house. They will say it's temporary but if one is unlucky and meets a liar that does not have any issue with betrayal, things may never change.
ReplyDeletePoster, please train your children with what you have and start taking selfish decisions. Think for yourself and do what favors you. Wherever you go, take your children with you. That's your only gain from the marriage. There are still ways to make ends meet in Nigeria. Let everyone know you are no longer together so that your destiny helper will not mistake you for being in a marriage. Don't be desperate and don't ever cry on the shoulders of another man. They will just use it as ammunition and treat you worse. Please have s*x, it's a normal human body function and depriving yourself of it can hinder mental clarity and lead to other problems. Enjoy yourself, protect yourself and plan your life with whatever little you have. God forbid, what if something happens to him over there, won't you survive? Pull from your inner strength.
Please have s3x?... with who? .. herself?
DeleteOr Are you indirectly hook-up for her?
Don't leave and go suffer more o. Just stay please. Get a side cock that'll be pounding you. Your toto don slack because for ten years you haven't used the muscle it'll slack. Go and get pounded pls
ReplyDelete"If I leave my kids..."
ReplyDeletePlease, I'm confused! Where, and with whom, do you plan on leaving these kids?
You want to send them to their dad, or you want to go and leave them with their paternal family?
How can you think of leaving these kids when you're their only present parent? Going by what you've written, only your oldest has seen their dad - when he came to impregnate you the 2nd time. The youngest has never physically met their dad!
Keep them with you! Continue to stay in the house, as it's yours. Just begin divorce proceedings! That's if you're even still married. I know a lot of couples "divorce" on paper, to allow the man to scam another woman into a passport/residency-giving marriage!
Don’t leave now
ReplyDeleteLeave to where
Just put the phone down when he starts and let him be abusing himself
How are you letting someone use phone to torture you. He’s not even around lol
Madam stay there. Housing is not easy and you don’t have food money. Be figuring these things out before you leave. As long as he’s not driving you out. When he calls out him on speaker and call the kids to come say hello. Let me what nonsense talk he will say in front of them. Make sure they are around when you answer the phone
Yes some guys still abuse on speaker but most want their kids to think they are angels so they won’t
Yes you a right
DeleteToxic husband kilode, you will need to help yourself financially and cut him off. I wonder why he hasn't taken you guys to be with him. I don't advise you divorce him just cut him off and focus on other things to make yourself esteem pump up. Shebi it's when you pick call ot chats he knows what is happening. Just give him the required info and dont reveal your mind or plans to him. You need a good job too to sustain yourself and children. God will help you in Jesus name Amen.
ReplyDeleteHe's very married abroad, which I'm sure you know. Coz your complaints are stemming from him not visiting and sending money as he promised. He just kept you in his house so you won't pay rent. Either you continue humping your pillow at night, go back to your parents, or do hook up. In this case, you lost out, coz abroad wife won... for now.. you'd wait till gray hairs start sprouting from your head.
ReplyDeleteHe's very married abroad, which I'm sure you know. Coz your complaints are stemming from him not visiting and sending money as he promised. He just kept you in his house so you won't pay rent. Either you continue humping your pillow at night, go back to your parents, or do hook up. In this case, you lost out, coz abroad wife won... for now.. you'd wait till gray hairs start sprouting from your head.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where you guys meet all these animals in a husband form. When you married an ' agbero ' man. Being a man doesn't make them saints. You are tired of life because you married an irresponsible man, poster he doesn't worth the pain, an irresponsible man for that matter not even a real man.
ReplyDeletePick yourself up and get to love yourself and kids some more.
Love is not hard.
Some of una women dey give room for needless insult. OP in 10 years of your spouse not being around, you want to say you have not built yourself up economically that you can provide for yourself and your children? Like you aren't even ashamed to say that?
ReplyDeleteYour husband has seen the potentials of women out there and you think he'd want to return to a liability? What is there to return to?
As much as his absence for this long is totally inexcusable, he isn't the problem here. You are. You are failing yourself and your children. You need to do better for yourself and those children.
Get your finances in order, ensure a consistent and reasonable cashflow that can handle your needs and those of your kids. You have reasonable grounds for divorce if that's a path you want to take.
This is not the time of thinking of killing yourself. That's the talk of the weak. Your children are depending on you to be strong for them and you need to be. The future you desire will only come if you actively shape it.
The man is irresponsible and now useless.
DeleteWhat do you mean she is a liability? What is the work of you men in a woman’s life sef? So you people want a woman to do everything while you all just put your legs up like useless oafs? Na wa!
DeleteDog i am a woman and i totally agree with you. Most women feel it is the end of the road once they get married.
DeleteThe work of men in some women's life?
DeleteRead this post and recent post of the woman complaining about N50K monthly from her husband.
Some women here just like to abuse all men.
But when it is returned or a man abuse women here, women cry the most all over the post and several days more.
Does she have the resources to establish herself? That's the question, if she doesn't, it's time she starts working seriously towards that.
DeletePoster, the earlier you start seeing yourself as a single mum, the better. Don't expect anything from him, if he sends fine, if he doesn't fine. Double your hustle and work for yourself and kids. For your health sake, leave if you must. Why live your life as if it depends on him. Madam please move on. If you don't have husband, of course you will still survive. 10years is a long time to keep waiting.
ReplyDeleteYou want to leave your kids and go where?
ReplyDeleteI don't know why when men travel abroad especially the ones that never had the opportunity to move out of the country before become so proud, mschew he will meet his Waterloo soonest. He can't even fight for his family to come over what a selfish human being. Poster you need to move forward for your sanity and progress, since he's not in Naia you are already in a self marriage, you have to make sure you collect plenty money from him that can sustain you, children and a lucrative business. Thereafter sit-down dey look am. He wil come back and beg you because that abroad that is shacking him will not shack him again
ReplyDeleteSee your mouth like you what to kill yourself. Say who die? Who born the guy papa? So you will kill yourself because of a guy who is apparently having the fun of his life with another woman. lol. Don't worry when you die your children will clap for you.
ReplyDeleteYou better wake up to reality. A man that left you for 10yrs. Came home just twice that means once in 5 years . Call his own wife poor and derogatory names has lost all sense of emotions for her. Abroad is not heaven. People travel abroad every second. There is no difference between what you are currently in and leaving the marriage. You have been single for 10yrs.
Stay in that house at least rent is secured. Increase your hustle and prayer life. Look for other source of income. Put your children in a school you can afford with or without his help. Most billionaires went to government schools. Look out for yourself. Go to okirika and get good ok and improve your looks. Smile more and pray more. All these years you have been crying what have you gained. Allow him do his worst. Don't poison his children mind against him. They have eyes and ears. They know more than you think.
**The best revenge in life is success* If you can, don't allow your enemy match on your grace.
Receive every straight you need to soar. Life happens but we move.
*grave
DeleteWell every decision has advantages ,your decision is your life better decide now while it is still good for you.A lesson for those that want abroad guys many of them are already married over there for papers ,Nigeria wives are just wife number 2 .
ReplyDeleteMan even fit dey prison sef. Yet woman dey para. E happen for man yard years ago.
DeleteDon't even entertain the thought of killing yourself, for what! Pls stopeet. You have to toughen up especially for your kids, God forbid something happens to u who do u think will take care of your kids as you, so think twice, enjoy life, dont over think things, take care.
ReplyDeleteDon’t allow one irrelevant local champion who manage go abroad frustrate you
DeleteDon’t allow one irrelevant local champion who manage go abroad frustrate you
DeleteFocus
DeleteI do not understand your chronicle. Where would you need to leave and go? Do not leave the house and if it becomes a legal battle, a good lawyer will ensure that you and the children remain in the home. Madam, plant yourself in that house and do not move one foot out of it. Stay there with your children. Let him grant you a divorce and you stay where you are!
ReplyDeleteStay to save rent , to be free from landlord wahala, to recover, etc. Yes
DeleteBut stay with mind to collect the house on divorce is a different level. Nigerian matrimonial laws are not like that o! Nigerian society never reach that level too.
16:08, I will admit that I am not in Nigeria and unfamiliar with family laws there. But I find it hard to believe that any judge would let a mother and children move out of the home they have lived in, while the man has more or less deserted the family and been away in another country for a decade. I want to be optimistic that before the law no judge would turn them out, except they ruled that the house be sold and each party take a portion of the earnings. Why would a mother have to leave her children behind for a stranger to raise, when the father is not even physically present and she has been the primary caregiver to those children? I was just baffled that she would even think that she would have to do that for her children to have a roof over their heads because a divorce occurred.
DeleteThe marriage is dead, full of abuse, and the parties do not even have an opportunity for reconciliation because of the distance. A divorce is the logical option, but that does not mean you should automatically become homeless and separated from your children because of that. These women should educate themselves, even if they have limited capacity, find allies who understand the legal system and let them help, don't just walk away without even trying.
Just adding my two pennies to what everyone else has said.
Delete1. You are effectively a single woman
2. Stay in that house for now
3. Find work, any honest job or business that brings you money
4. Begin to think about how to o file for divorce on grounds of abandonment.
5. If you see another husband, marry. Don’t let anybody guilt trip you to stay because of the children. You are in a dysfunctional home with a toxic man and that is really bad for kids to learn that kind of toxicity
Find way to see that house you live in lol at least u use the money to hold yourself while you pick up the piece. Omo it is well with some marriages seriously. Please do not kill yourself pity your kids it better you leave them and go and find your foot then come back for them or you go with them as God will definetely see you through.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, suicide is never an option oh.
ReplyDeleteFor your sanity leave with your kids, you will survive somehow
Why did he start abusing you? What exactly did you do that made him start calling you Ashawo? Maybe you could help us with that part of the chronicle currently missing. So sorry about your ordeal Ma'am.
ReplyDeleteDibia Arusi
Madam pls get your mind off this man.its not easy,but you can.if he comes back to Nigeria,fine! if he doesn't good as well.increase your hustle.hustle for those kids of yours.you shouldn't give time exchanging words with him.It's obvious this man doesn't love you. For crying out loud,he doesn't care about your emotions and doesn't give a damn if you cheat either.he's only calling you those names to make you feel he cares.If you continue like this,you will be miserable and frustrated with life.
ReplyDeleteRemain in that house since you don't pay rent.that house belongs to your kids,yes, it's their inheritance.
Remain calm and live for your kids.you can not leave and let another woman inherit what you laboured to build with this man.
Be prayerful, God will not let you sow for another to reap.
Sell the house and buy elsewhere with the kids.
ReplyDeleteApart from the s3x issue, better to take what he can give you and make the best of it. And stop nagging him or doing what makes him insult you. If he starts his insult, don't reply. At least he cannot beat you over the phone for not replying.
ReplyDeleteHe calls you names? Are you hands clean? Then, who are you discussing his matter with. Who is spying on you? Someone is giving him information about you.
Did you issue or are you issuing threats of going outside to men?
Bottom line:
The streets are not fully in favour of a single mother now. Avoid trouble with him. You knew it could be like this though not so long bad. Do the best with what you have. But avoid adultery so you can have the voice and spiritual backing to fight for your children portions and rights if and when necessary
Sell that house and dissappear with your kids!! Don't be gullible common!
ReplyDeleteThat man is not and alpha male. Real and worthy men build up and not take tear down. That man is tearing you down instead of building you up and you want to remain there?. Please know that you are worthy of love. Your self esteem is so bad that I really want to be part of the process of building you up.
ReplyDeleteYou better be strong for your kids
ReplyDeleteDear Poster
ReplyDeleteSorry about what you are passing through.
Please understand that, that is your house, you are going nowhere after all, it's not as if he is here.
The kids need you alive.
We care about you too.
May the Lord give you the wisdom to make the right decision and help you to win this battle.
E hugs
Sell the house
ReplyDeleteSell the house!!
Is her name on the title documents?
Who amongst you will buy a house from a person whose name is not on the title documents.
Who amongst you will buy a house without checking from neighbours or the CDA or doing other due diligence on who is the owner of the house.
He doesn't love you, you don't love him, yet you have sacrificed your life for a man that doesn't care if you live or not.
ReplyDeleteI can't understand sacrificing your life in this manner. You are NOT married (this is not marriage), you are NOT a widow, you are NOT a sidechick, you are NOT a mistress, you are NOT single, you are NOT married.
It's difficult to describe your status, your situation is really pitiable.
The fact that you have stayed celibate all these years is inconsequential, because he believes you cheat (there is no way to prove otherwise to him), so you Are also depriving yourself of sex and its pleasures, while your husband has his feel wherever he is and still believes the worst of you.
Biko get out of this SHAM arrangement.
What do you even mean by saying that leaving will deprive your children of their rights? Which rights? The right to stay in the building the man built? Or being called the children of their father?
Aunty wake up and be useful to yourself
Better move out of that place, rent a small apartment, change your children's school and start rebuilding your life, else you will turn out bitter, frustrated,, suicidal (like you are now).
How do you authorize a man to ruin your life in this way!!!!!!
She is living rent free things are hard. We tell her to leave to go pay rent. Hmmm.
DeleteShe has school fees challenges. We want her to add rent challenge?
She should stay there unless she wants to divorce the man.
Moving out without divorce is cutting her nose to spite her face.
She should max the opportunity of free rent to better her life.
The only advantage of moving out is that she would be more accessible to men who want side chicks or men who want to marry divorcees. Such men are plenty if that's what she wants.
Poster should stoop to conquer. Since her naggings and insults (not once as claimed) have not worked, she should change tactics even if that is admittedly hard to do.
When next he calls, she should apologize. And seek to know his welfare. After several calls, plead for the school fees. And then avoid a particular friend of hers or a family member of the man after doing real introspection. Somebody is feeding the man stories about Poster.
If any of her male colleague is visiting or too close, she needs to review the friendship. If she wants to go to be with a man, let her go leaving the marriage. No need to be in the middle of two men. She may be celibate as claimed. But her story shows she is too friendly with a man or with single women or a woman known to be less celibate.
Here's not what flows with general views. But as the saying goes, pragmatism is best sometimes
Thank you everyone for your comments.
ReplyDeleteI have been living my life,he talks to the kids n ignores me.
I'm just thinking of ways to increase my income and be happy.
He has CCTV in the house so he monitors all that goes on in Nigeria.
Truthfully I have never cheated,never gone on a date with any man,basically I don't go out,i dont have friends.
One of his friends abroad found out his wife as been cheating,his cousin same thing wife cheating, so it's like I can't claim I haven't cheated.
And I'm like I have never cheated on you but he seems not to believe me hence my tiredness.
I ain't killing myself,I was just frustrated the day I sent the message to the blog as I don't have anyone to share my problems with.
I laugh at work with my colleagues till the next day other than that no close friendships.
I'm so happy you have a more balanced mindset & a JOB. Please start building an independent life for you & the kids.
DeleteIt is well with you in Jesus name, amen!
He's a mad man, imagine installing cctv for the sole purpose of being a monitoring spirit.
DeletePoster you know he's married abroad right?
Start ignoring him the way he does you, gather money and learn a skill. That will keep you very occupied plus will be an extra source of income.
Set a target of 2 -3 years for yourself and work towards it, then serve him divorce papers by then and move on with your life, that man is a time waster.
You not having friends is not a good thing. You need good friends to talk to, to chill with, friends that motivates you to be better.
DeleteOr did he ban you from making female friends? Or you think married women are not allowed to make female friends?
We are rooting for you and all that you are going to accomplish this year.
I support Lagos mainland girl that you need to have friends. It’s very important for you to have someone apart from him who you can lean on when you need.
DeleteIf I were you, I will slowly begin to work towards liberating myself totally from that man. It may take 2 years, it may take 10, but one thing for sure, I must extricate myself from that toxic marriage
Of all the romantic names , he chooses to be calling her mad woman, thief , ash* wo, etc. to show you the man is a confirmed ' tout'.
ReplyDeleteEven if she offended him , he should talk to her or correct her in love.
You can't claim to love someone and put her in pain. Love doesn't hurt much.
The man should come and give us his own side of story.
Poster, you might just be married and giving birth for a gay man. Why marry someone not in the same location as you. Sorry. The man used you to get what he wants.
ReplyDelete...and she's using the man to get house and child support. She's complaining now because naija economy is making things difficult...they both using themselves.
DeleteI feel so bad when I read stories like this. You have to leave with your kids for your mental health, or stay in the house and still act single. Try to see if you can do some courses and start earning online, especially in dollars.. GOD would sort you out
ReplyDeleteIt's always difficult when only one partner physically looks after the children alone, I salute you for managing all these years.
ReplyDeleteSeems the relationship is breaking down gradually and the children are the only ties holding both of you.
I perceive most of the fund were contributed by him and he's using it to control the house.
Some men don't trust their wives enough to take them abroad for fear of being reported to the police whenever they exhibit their controlling behaviour.
It seems you are afraid of losing some perks of you decide to leave.
Money is causing the rift because what he sends is not enough to meet the needs.
Solution: don't argue or fight, use your soft voice and soothe his ego (you must realise you don't have such hold over him compared to 10yrs ago)
When you're in good terms with him, suggest for an extension to be built or remodel part of the house then rent it out.
Take the children to an affordable school.
Use your money wisely...it seems you have chosen to stay for the "children inheritance". Keep the peace as much as possible.
PCX