STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
HEALING TIPS NEEDED
Good Afternoon Stella, please share.
How do I heal?
Growing up as a young girl I had family support, like school was taking care of, food, clothing and shelter was not a problem. I was provided for but I had no guidance. I didn't just connect with my parents on a deeper level and I was the only girl with 4 boys.
My mom used insultive words to finish me, the words at some point was just ringing in my head until I used the word of God to change so much about the way I was thinking. All these made me stubborn and I tried really hard to stay sane growing up. My brothers bullied me, had no protection or security from them was molested by one and had no friendship with my mom. I was alone.
I went through puberty on my own, figured out everything a girl needs to know on my own. When I started seeing my first period, as a teenager, I figured it out on my own till I got used to it. Had bacteria infection, everyone at home was avoiding me even my mom was throwing it at my face. Why are you always smelling so bad whenever I walk past them. Till I got myself treated after figuring it out alone. I was my own best friend, couldn't connect with anyone, cried most times.
I went through puberty on my own, figured out everything a girl needs to know on my own. When I started seeing my first period, as a teenager, I figured it out on my own till I got used to it. Had bacteria infection, everyone at home was avoiding me even my mom was throwing it at my face. Why are you always smelling so bad whenever I walk past them. Till I got myself treated after figuring it out alone. I was my own best friend, couldn't connect with anyone, cried most times.
A lot more happened when I got into school but I had no one to talk to, somehow I went through it all and came out strong, independent, closed up, scared to open up to anyone. My self esteem was so low, it took a lot from me to start seeing myself differently.
I'm writing this because something is playing out now which I'm trying to stop but I'm struggling. A cousin of 15 years came visiting at the family house, she's staying with us cos of her school that's close to where we stay. She's a sweet girl but I can't connect with her.
I'm writing this because something is playing out now which I'm trying to stop but I'm struggling. A cousin of 15 years came visiting at the family house, she's staying with us cos of her school that's close to where we stay. She's a sweet girl but I can't connect with her.
Whenever they mention anything about her, in my mind I'll silently remember how I grew up with no guidance or family supervision. I'll just be saying to myself, let her find her way and not disturb me with her own life or she goes back to her parents. Sometimes I would want to ask her about basic stuff she might need which I can provide but I don't know how to go about it. It's aways awkward. I'm just closed up. I try not to let her get close enough. I just put up this very huge wall.
How do I give guidance I was never given or show care I never received from anyone especially my family. If its someone outside I don't struggle this much with caring but at home I feel I'm struggling.
How do I give guidance I was never given or show care I never received from anyone especially my family. If its someone outside I don't struggle this much with caring but at home I feel I'm struggling.
*You cannot give what you do not have....
Focus on loving and finding yourself first otherwise you will end up giving nothing to your cousin...Just be on the look out so that no one in house Violates her.
She will find her way while you should get bsuy finding yourself......Remember this that hurt people, hurt people.
God be with you, help yourself before extending to someone else.
ReplyDeleteSorry dear
DeleteIs gonna be alright🫂🫂🫂
I was scared when I was reading it cuz this is exactly my story but I give God glory because of the Catholic secondary school I went and this brought me closer to God. I am married with kids now and I am healing and getting close to my mother too. Please get close to God to give you peace amd gradually you will see changes.
DeleteI really empathize with you on what u faced growing up but should that not even want you to make sure someone else doesn’t feel the way u felt if u can help it.
ReplyDeletePlease draw that girl close to you, give her the guidance you wish had been given to you. Protect her as much as you can. In a way, I feel this may even help you heal.
Oh dear! I understand how you feel. Perhaps this also happened to your mother and is part of the reason she treated you so poorly (not making excuses for her, what she did to you is bad).
ReplyDeleteWhen I have negative feelings towards other people due to my own circumstances, I continuously pray to God to cleanse my mind and teach me to let go of those feelings. It may take a while but it helps.
I will encourage you to open up your heart to your cousin as she has not wronged you, also so that when you have a daughter you can be able to relate with her better than your mother did with you. Perhaps start by asking her to gist you how her day went. You can also buy one thing and tell her “I saw this when I went out and thought of you so I bought it for you”. Little little steps like that.
If it is easy to find a good psychologist or therapist, I would say you should see one so you can work more on healing.
I pray that God heals you.
I cannot believe you still stay in such a family house and a child has been brought to live there too.
ReplyDeleteBack to topic
There was this book I read about a man having a bee farm, after his grandmother got stung to death by bees. In a way, he has found a means of getting over his trauma and facing his fears. Extending kindness and warmth to the very thing that nearly ruined his childhood.
Sit down, take pen to paper and ask yourself how you would have loved to be treated growing up. Then take baby steps towards treating the girl that way. You don’t have to do all at once but little steps.
A simple how are you this morning, have you eaten?, how is school? What are you up to today? is a good ice breaker.
You can also go through the gist me which song is reigning now. You can ask her about her favorite authors and buy one or two books for her. Is there a popular family rated series you watch, ask her about it.
Tell her that if she needs anything she should let you know. She would happily connect with you and do all the work of reaching out, since you’d be like a big sis to her. Teenagers have that annoying mixture of puppy and cat energy like that.
Above all, remember that you aren’t alone. I too have faced some childhood trauma that sometimes I still scream in my head to shut up the thoughts. You don’t want to know how many times my mind randomly asks me why I haven’t killed myself yet or tells me hopeless and useless. Im still struggling but I have made up my mind to overcome my own self.
This girl may just be the instrument to your healing. Be kind and warm.
Listen to anon 15.30
DeleteThe most complex B
This is how Jesus taught us to love.
DeleteOh anon. Thank you for saying exactly what I had in mind.
DeletePoster, you see what was written, follow it to the last word and see your healing be full. Visualize exactly what you would have wanted if you were in that 15 year Olds shoes, put yourself in her shoes and act like the mother you didn't have.
I suffered similar fate like you but not as evil as yours from home. From friends however, I have seen hell and was angry and bitter for a very long time until I turned to Christ. It changed my approach and I started to do what I would have loved or things that would have helped me. As I am now, I have the most peace I've ever had, I have a few people I trust and love and I have a lot of lives I have touched. No greater joy than that my dear.
E hugs poster,God's speed 🤗🤗🤗🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
ReplyDeleteThis was a sad read. Trying to heal in the same place where the pain was doled out is a test in of itself. You are a broken vessel trying to glue back your broken parts together. The little you have left in you have to be used to feed yourself so you can remain sane. Perhaps you also noticed that your cousin is getting the kindness and love you never received and that is affecting you on a different level. Do not feel pressured to be anything because you are in the process of healing. Also, think about how you can strike out on your own. If you are in the university you may have access to free counseling you can explore that to see if it helps.
ReplyDeleteAs for your cousin, just warn her to lock her door at nights and to stay very connected to her own parents and immediate family. That is probably the most you can do.
So sorry about what you went through: Stella I totally agree with your blue pen and just to add: You figuring out what the problem lies means you have solved the problems half-way...
ReplyDeleteI will advise that you find yourself; get a counsellor and therapist to help you out and whilst at it, begin to build a relationship with Jesus...He is one friend that will never let you down and will be with you every step of the way....
The next step is to forgive your mother and siblings, let go of all the pains (Forgiveness is a selfish act but take it one step at a time) so you can heal very well.
You are an amazing and strong lady and I am truly proud of you; Even with all you went through, you made your way and you never gave up on yourself....This is the beginning of more beautiful stories and plans and future that God has install for you...
Ehugs Poster!!!
The answer lies in Stella's last sentence, "..... hurt people, hurt people".
ReplyDeletePoster the hurt you experienced in your growing years is still deeply engrained in your mindset and controlling your actions. Please get professional help/therapy if you can afford it.
However if you can't afford it, or if you are a DIY person; then go to YouTube and carry out some research on how to help yourself heal. You need to heal completely and rewire your mindset NOW so that when you start having your own children the hurting game doesn't keep reoccurring in your family.
Best wishes.
I don’t believe hurt individual hurt others. Someone like me learnt a lot from what I went through that I promised never to see someone close to me go through that. I make sure I learnt from them all. Is it hunger, maltreatment even rape, I went through them all. All this made me to be kind that what a lot couldn’t tolerate you would be surprised I did. My in-laws prefers staying in my house than their sister place, it also grew my sympathy for humans most especially the girl child. It all depends on how you want to shape your life.
DeleteAnon 18.30, so sorry to hear about your traumatized childhood.
DeleteI be
Anon 18.30, so sorry to hear about your traumatized childhood.
DeleteI believe the reason you are able to feel empathy and help others is because you have somehow been able to heal from your hurt. Someone still reeling in their hurt may not be able to easily do this.
You are one strong woman anon. 💪
There’s this false narrative that connecting always just happens
ReplyDeleteSometimes it’s practiced
You may need to practice connecting with her
Give yourselves steps to take
1. When you know you’ll see her have questions in mind. You can use the popular have you eaten what do you want to eat. I’m making indomie do you want some. Etc
You remind me of myself growing up. Stella's comment is right. Please focus on yourself. Love yourself. You deserve to love and be loved. It is a pity therapy is not common I Nigeria. Still, I will suggest you seek therapy. It will help you heal emotionally faster. Don't worry, things will get better.
ReplyDeleteThat girl is your easiest way to get closure. Try get close and do the things you expected from your mom and family.
ReplyDeleteIt will give you so much joy and fulfilment.
If anything happens to her, (God forbid) you won't forgive yourself.
So pls reach out. Don't forget to involve God and seek His help for you both.
I agree with you HF beddings
DeleteDear poster follow this advice 🫂
OP remember that broken crayons also colour, sad birds still sing. Be the person you so desperately needed when you were a kid. I don’t know, i’m not judging you please but i expect you to be more emphatic than the average person because you have been there, you saw it and felt it. Take it easy but you can do it, start gradually
ReplyDeleteFor you to realized that all you had been through were not right shows you still have that human empathy.
ReplyDeleteUnlike some they may be left shattered and traumatized,the only thing they can offer is to transfer the same bitterness to others.
Just support her with the little you know. As for you, you need to heal or rather stay away from such a toxic environment .That they are called family doesn't mean they are saint..
My dear I am sorry for what you went through while growing up but I think you can heal faster by relating with people as much as you can and you can start with your cousin and see how far you can go . It's not easy but you can start little by little and before you know it, you will no longer feel rejected and lonely. God be with you 🤗
ReplyDeleteIt will be better to be healed first, listen to songs and podcast that inspires. you can make it a gradual thing reaching out to your cousin, take it one step at a time, ask her things like "hope you are good", "how was your day" hope you don't have any problem at School or here at home".
ReplyDeleteFatimade
U will be fine my dear. U were even lucky they provided for you . Am on my own since the age of 13 after my father death. I never enjoy my youth at all . But here I am now living a joyful life either good or bad. Do not think much about the past but the present. If possible go for counseling.
ReplyDeleteChange is easy if you want to and help to her can start with girl talk and men behaviour with that small talk you can help her and you can also heal ,just share your experience with her .
ReplyDeleteThe first step to healing is knowing that you have all these huge walls built around you. You definitely cannot break them in a day but try to loosen up even when you feel you shouldn't that's how you break those walls, pushing yourself to care and really mean it. Tell yourself you did not get it but you can give it!
ReplyDeleteI think you should write down the things you feel you missed out on and take it step by step and God will guide you.
ReplyDelete❤️
Poster, mayGod heal you. Sending e hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI listened to something the other day. If you all God for courage will He give you courage or a situation to be courageous? God has sent your cousin so you can give her all the love and support you didn't get. If you leave her to figure it out on her own, the cycle continues. This is an opportunity to change the narrative, please. Show her that family can and will be there for you just like you wished you had growing up. As you are helping her, you are healing. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what you went through poster, if you are financially independent, I will advise you to first move out of that space and find true healing. You need to heal and be happy,so you can live a happy life.
ReplyDeleteChildhood trauma is the worst. I pray you heal and stay opening up gradually.
ReplyDeleteOne of your brothers molested you, hmmm... Many parents think it's just all about giving birth and moving on with life. Raising kids demands so much attention and sensitivity. Common to teach kids how to do their homework is taxing for even some stay at home mums, instead they'll do the assignment by themselves for the kids.
ReplyDelete