Read and argue or discuss
She posted
"Choose ur japa partner carefully.
Don't end up with someone like me.
When ure done reading this thread, drag or block me. I understand but I gat to say this:
During my recovery journey from a devastating heartbreak, I decided:
"Not everyone will marry for love.
Make I carry my cross & live my life".
I had three goals as I was entering my 30s:
1) Finish residency.
2) Have my babies
3) Japa
When I met my (now ex) husband, I told him my 3-point agenda, but he was not listening. Men don't listen well.
He was thrilled by my goal oriented personality but he didn't pay attention to the fact that he was not going to be the centre of my world. He was not going to be an integral part of my dreams.
He shared my vision, since japa was his priority and he was ready to start a family. However, I had presented a "you go do or you no go do" disposition.
Romance was not a priority.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them. Don't allow misperceptions and misinterpretations. What they said is what they said. "I love her..she is such a goal getter" but are you her goal?
Anyway, fast forward almost a decade later, with lots of water under the bridge, I packed my bags and left.
Nigerian culture would say it was a 'use and dump situation'. I respect that. I won't even make excuses or try to pull any "even though" stunts.
Bottom line was that, after a decade, a critical appraisal of our partnership showed me we had achieved our mutual goals. It was a win-win.
However, a subsequent feasibility study showed that we were going to be shackled in a loveless and bitter marriage, if we continued into the next decade together.
Looking back, what were the major missteps here:
1) I should have chased my 3-point agenda on my own, while waiting for love to find me or vice versa.
I didn't need him for japa or Fellowship, obviously. However, making babies was a different matter.
I knew I didn't necessarily need a man to make my babies but I feared the stigma that the Nigerian culture and Christian religion would inflict on me, if I pursued my IVF/donor-facilitated single motherhood journey. So, I settled for the 'traditional' approach. Big mistake.
Sis, if love doesn't find u and the clock is running out, make ur babies. Single motherhood can be with dignity.
2) He should have walked away that day, when I shared my goals with him. It was a business meeting but he thought it was a romantic outing. A transactional marriage was the only item on my agenda but he thought I would fall on love with time.
Even if he didn't leave that first date, he should have left, when love didn't grow. I didn't hide it. I didn't pretend. I was his everything but he wasn't mine. I have been madly in love twice in my life and he was not one of them.
That's why I pity guys, when they start this "what are you bringing to the table" conversations during dates. First date oh.
Ogbeni, faraburuku bale... observe if this woman likes u... if she go fall in love....if u will become the breath that she breathes...her everything.
When a woman loves u, omo! Nothing friends, family, or twitter feminists wan tell . She go dey hide spoil u.
When a man loves u, Sola go talk taya, Bro go continue 'simping'...he no go look Twitter Patriachs' faces.
Forget maths...Chemistry yen gan gan ni koko.
Aligned goals is not enough.
Prospect, pockets, and potentials are not enough.
Love is crucial.
That puppy love...that "I will do anything for you"...that "my world will crumble for a long time if you walked away" kind of love.
Hmm, ladies and gentlemen.
Marry the person who LOVES you.
Review that relationship. Decide before Valentines Day, if she loves you.
P.S: I'm forever a hopeless romantic. I'm never going to get to a "fuck love" point. However, I will never, ever get into a committed relationship without me being MADLY IN LOVE with the guy.
Oya, floor is open for dragging.
If I taya, I go lock account for 24 hours. Then we continue the dragging, till u move on to other gists."
"Choose ur japa partner carefully.
Don't end up with someone like me.
When ure done reading this thread, drag or block me. I understand but I gat to say this:
During my recovery journey from a devastating heartbreak, I decided:
"Not everyone will marry for love.
Make I carry my cross & live my life".
I had three goals as I was entering my 30s:
1) Finish residency.
2) Have my babies
3) Japa
When I met my (now ex) husband, I told him my 3-point agenda, but he was not listening. Men don't listen well.
He was thrilled by my goal oriented personality but he didn't pay attention to the fact that he was not going to be the centre of my world. He was not going to be an integral part of my dreams.
He shared my vision, since japa was his priority and he was ready to start a family. However, I had presented a "you go do or you no go do" disposition.
Romance was not a priority.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them. Don't allow misperceptions and misinterpretations. What they said is what they said. "I love her..she is such a goal getter" but are you her goal?
Anyway, fast forward almost a decade later, with lots of water under the bridge, I packed my bags and left.
Nigerian culture would say it was a 'use and dump situation'. I respect that. I won't even make excuses or try to pull any "even though" stunts.
Bottom line was that, after a decade, a critical appraisal of our partnership showed me we had achieved our mutual goals. It was a win-win.
However, a subsequent feasibility study showed that we were going to be shackled in a loveless and bitter marriage, if we continued into the next decade together.
Looking back, what were the major missteps here:
1) I should have chased my 3-point agenda on my own, while waiting for love to find me or vice versa.
I didn't need him for japa or Fellowship, obviously. However, making babies was a different matter.
I knew I didn't necessarily need a man to make my babies but I feared the stigma that the Nigerian culture and Christian religion would inflict on me, if I pursued my IVF/donor-facilitated single motherhood journey. So, I settled for the 'traditional' approach. Big mistake.
Sis, if love doesn't find u and the clock is running out, make ur babies. Single motherhood can be with dignity.
2) He should have walked away that day, when I shared my goals with him. It was a business meeting but he thought it was a romantic outing. A transactional marriage was the only item on my agenda but he thought I would fall on love with time.
Even if he didn't leave that first date, he should have left, when love didn't grow. I didn't hide it. I didn't pretend. I was his everything but he wasn't mine. I have been madly in love twice in my life and he was not one of them.
That's why I pity guys, when they start this "what are you bringing to the table" conversations during dates. First date oh.
Ogbeni, faraburuku bale... observe if this woman likes u... if she go fall in love....if u will become the breath that she breathes...her everything.
When a woman loves u, omo! Nothing friends, family, or twitter feminists wan tell . She go dey hide spoil u.
When a man loves u, Sola go talk taya, Bro go continue 'simping'...he no go look Twitter Patriachs' faces.
Forget maths...Chemistry yen gan gan ni koko.
Aligned goals is not enough.
Prospect, pockets, and potentials are not enough.
Love is crucial.
That puppy love...that "I will do anything for you"...that "my world will crumble for a long time if you walked away" kind of love.
Hmm, ladies and gentlemen.
Marry the person who LOVES you.
Review that relationship. Decide before Valentines Day, if she loves you.
P.S: I'm forever a hopeless romantic. I'm never going to get to a "fuck love" point. However, I will never, ever get into a committed relationship without me being MADLY IN LOVE with the guy.
Oya, floor is open for dragging.
If I taya, I go lock account for 24 hours. Then we continue the dragging, till u move on to other gists."
It is her truth and she said it. I love her honesty and she owned every of her actions. She laid her cards bare on the table but he did not read them critically and assumed at some point things would change. Like she said When people tell you who they are and what they want, do not go disbelieving anything would change.
ReplyDeleteSounds fabricated. The average naija woman, mid to late 30s treasure being a 'Mrs' more than their life. Dont get me wrong, they may not believe in love bcos of the rampant 'acceptable' cheating by their men (from uni to nysc, to workplace, they were told that men must straff and cheat bcos egusi dey tire them) but to drop that 'mrs somebody', takes a whole lot. So she is paying for childcare and the other bills by herself when a raretofind genuinely caring man, who she is even married to, is willing? abeg abeg abeg It sounds like a screenplay or those Hints loriiro stories of those days.
Delete14:05
DeleteYou inserted many facts into the story.
1. That she dropped the Mrs. title. Many divorced women don't. Recent evidence abound.
2. That the ex husband is not contributing to the welfare of the children.
3. That all women have capacity to love. Despite all her theorizing above love, she is already stone cold hearted because of previous experiences.
4. That all women want to be married. Not so. Some women do not want the responsibilities of marriage but want the benefits.
Fabricated or not . Men regularly meet the type of woman described. When the men initiate the divorce, they are more vociferous in claiming victimisation after "all I suffer with him".
It may be fabricated for Elon's money purposes but the story is plausible. Seems they have japa so they live abroad
Delete-Mrs. Title does not matter in the abroad. In fact, I have never heard anyone addressed as Mrs. here, except in a Nigerian church setting and OP doesn't seem religious so she won't care for it
-Residency means she is a physician, her income is high enough to take of the kids alone. She may not need financial support if she earns more than him. Plus at divorce, the man can always pay child support. She didn't say he doesn't
-Me I can't marry without love but some women have the capacity. Her desire for kids was stronger than her desire for romance, hence her decision.
I commend her bravery to be able to pen this on her account rather than all those hilarious hide my ID stores.
ReplyDeleteSo many are shackled in loveless marriages, male and female. If the title is more than your happiness, peace and growth, by all means stay.
Hmmm interesting read! She actually made great points, it is well
ReplyDeletehmmmm many are in a business related marriage.
ReplyDeleteAll I see here is the very beautiful quote from Maya Angelou. ''When people show you who they're, believe them the very first time.''
ReplyDeleteAlways know when to leave and never convince yourself to stay when you ought to have been gone.
You see women baaa, they always know what they're doing. They're ever intentional. A discussion for another day.
© TEEJAY
What’s this one misyarning. Speaking from both sides of the mouth.
ReplyDeleteDoctor that doesn’t even sound intelligent.
You are the one that doesn’t sound intelligent. What did she say that can be characterised as speaking from both sides of her mouth - that’s if you even know the meaning of that expression.
Delete10:24 You must be extremely dense to not understand this.
DeleteLike climate change kinda extremely.
I’m not the anon up there, but i wud answer u. First she insinuated that after a bad heartbreak, she no longer believed in love, infact she only wanted to finish residency, make babies and japa. She said romance was totally out of the equation for her.
DeleteThen as part of the missteps, her number one point was that, she should have achieved her 3 point agenda while waiting for love to find her or vice versa. Pls read again, it is all in her write up, if this isn’t talking from both sides of her mouth, i dnt know what is🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
Lol, you actually sound unintelligent from your comment
DeleteThank you @13:26.
DeletePlenty more dey d write-up. Wicked user justifying her actions. She believes in love, but the pure love of a man could not change her heart .
Na angel from Heaven go come give her love she can reciprocate?
You for just born stay your lane
ReplyDeleteLol.
Delete@10:31, exactly with she said, but again if you read well to comprehend she says tradition and Christianity were the reasons she decided to go the traditional route, that is to marry...She also advised single ladies not to do as she did, but to do IVF, and birth their babies without roping a man in.
DeleteNow back to the point she raised, I think many, males and females alike, now enter 'transactional' marriages.Society is so hardened so much so,love is now termed Simping, juju or stupidity...acts of sacrifice like waking up early to prepare lunch for your spouse is now termed slavery for the woman, and Simping for the man who does same for his wife.
Sadly this will become worse, the marriage institution may no longer be as popular as we all think.Signs of the end.Selah
Men do it all the time
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is that you cant fake love. So never settle in a loveless one sided relationship as it brings epistle like this
Either the woman leaves or the man leaves.
Thanks for bringing here Stella. I must fault some areas in her write-up. It is great to look out for yourself but she started her marriage on the premise of this is my vision and mine only and that was the foundation and beginning of the end of the marriage...No it takes two people...And did she express and emphasize this or she just implied?
ReplyDeleteNobody can fault her dreams but she could have just stayed on her lane Jeje..I see she is an ambitious lady at the peak of her career; if this is what she wanted all along then she should have been on her single journey or go the Oprah Winfrey route....She went about it the selfish way...
There is huge difference of I-am-a-go-getter kind of way in the corporate/career world and when you enter into a marriage...That transactional way of life is totally different and should not be applied in every situation; you wanted the single life yet still want to reap the benefits of marriage...No dear you can't have it your way in the place of a marriage...
I believe this is to teach herself, look inside yourself Doctor and have some deep self-reflection....
Thank you for this. Nicely written. 💯💯💯
DeleteThank you for your para 1. She deceived the man. How many people told the 3 items she listed before her ex husband will interpret pre-planned divorce from them.
DeleteDid She mentioned Christianity somewhere as influencing her decision to raise children by a man she intend to divorce 10 years after birthing their children?
Abeg make person stop before world people go say "Ang". By the way, long time I read that word here.
💯
DeleteHmmm! Very deep.
ReplyDeleteBut I understand what she's saying.
If you read with open mind, she made a lot of sense. 😎
I didn't see any sense here rather a selfish woman.
Delete© TEEJAY
Circumstances can actually make some people Selfish o
DeleteIf the man is just Stagnate one place and she has Opportunity to Japa wetin make she do ...
That is when Selfish grow wings🤣
Very selfish. Rightly said @TJ
DeleteNo mention that the man was stagnant.
She made clear her heart was made up on what to do.
Nothing the man did or did not do influenced her.
If all married people japa from marriage leaving their "stagnant" partners. How many marriages will remain.
This sounds very familiar. O.D.V.Aj... is this you? 2 kids, used to live in Festac...it's the victim. God dey!
ReplyDeleteIn all of these, I feel for the kids that will be brought into this ''intentional singleness'' when as a person, you enjoyed being with both parents. I won't fault anyone.
ReplyDeleteWhat about the man, who has build his life around her all this year's, HOPING, she even refer to him as 'simp' not fair at all..
DeleteShe would have gone for someone with her kind of mentality and not drag an innocent man in to it..
Anyway shit happens and he should be glad she left... Now he can get someone who truly deserve him.
Thanks, Mrs. Sharon.
DeleteMy thoughts exactly! I
Words on Marble.
Agreed, Mrs. Sharon.
DeleteBeing selfish is wrong on all sides, good she knew this.
Sharon what Cynthia is saying is that, even if she had gone with a man that has her kind of mentality like u insinuate, what of the kids that would be brought into such an unholy transaction? Cynthia is feeling for the kids in this situation and rightly so, even sane and emphatic person would.
DeleteWhen people say just have ur babies when ur clock is ticking, i say that is very selfish. What of the kids? Every kid craves a stable family, ask the kids of these baby mamas, it is even better for the ones that know their dad is dead, but the remaining, it gets to a point they ask questions about their dad, be ready to answer. Most of them grow up angry with self esteem issues. That is when u wud realise that u actually did that for urslf, u didnt consider the kids. Wait till they start sch first, and some of their friends get picked up by their dads or both parents always show up for sch events, and the kids start asking them where is ur daddy? That is when u wud know that, though they are kids, but they have emotions and they have certain rights too.
Good to know you are living your truth.
ReplyDeleteI commend her honesty, and I think she came to that decision because of her past heartbreak, unfortunately the man didn't take her decision as serious as she did.
ReplyDeleteAnother confused soul who knows nofin,
ReplyDeleteNonsense
Gifty
Some of us weren’t raised in happy homes even though we had two parents. I would have preferred a balanced single parent family to what I had.
ReplyDeleteYh, in ur case, it would have been better if ur parents divorced, but believe me, ur case is not the worst case scenario, it is still better than not knowing who ur father is, or u didn’t have him at all at all present in ur life. Sometimes just knowing that u came from somewhere, no matter how bad it is, is better than not knowing at all.
DeleteThis lady is a very heartless person. It is wrong to get involved with a person while having such a mindset without letting them in on how you feel so they can decide on their own if they are down with it or not.
ReplyDeleteShe stripped him of his autonomy to steer his life the way he desires. Her marriage was never going to work anyway because her heart was never in it from the onset and it seemed she was not even over her exes.
I can't imagine what the poor man went through in the marriage trying to hold it together till he finally lost the resolve to keep fixing issues in the marriage. (Issues that would never have been an issue in the first place if she was married to someone she truly loves) and let it crumble.
Words on Marble.
I agree.
DeleteShe is heartless because it’s coming from a woman 🤣🤣🤣 But every gaddam day, men do it and you don’t see it as heartless but a man’s world. Anyways she spoke her own truth. I don’t support neither am I against her decision.
DeleteEveryone has experienced their own share of relationships and heartbreaks. Some didn’t survive it, some survived it, went back to the drawing board and ré strategized while some continued to thread on that pathway believing that love will find them.
He who wears the shoe, knows where it pinches the most.
Briffault's law fully explained by a woman.
ReplyDeleteSee the way she was bending and bending the story to put the blame on the man.
She went for a business meeting and laid her cards open but coded on her "first date", but she advise men not to ask what a woman will bring to the marital table on a first date
Nothing new said.
It has been severally highlighted here by a Bv that some women have this character trait. Just that the good women are quick to lend their wrappers to the bad ones to cover up while they are yimmued behind their good backs .
Those who grew up in some polygamous settings know that a woman can be more devious than narrated in the post. Only that in those cases the women have their husbands as the fall guys.
Very warped way of thinking and extremely selfish. 🤔🤔🤔
ReplyDeleteThis is just a proud and selfish woman talking. She just used her husband as a sperm donor without thinking about how her selfish decisions will affect her children.
ReplyDeleteShe probably left her husband now that she "believes" that she has made it in life i.e. Good career and Children, so what's the use of her husband??? Most likely, her husband is not in a good financial position now, so she decided to execute her long-term plan of divorce and then to rub injury to the wound, she comes online to humble brag about it.
Madam, just wait a few more years and you will see the law of karma. Once her husband becomes financially buoyant beyond her expectations, she will want to use "for children's sake" to stylishly return but it will late because another woman will fill that gap.
Next, she will become the quintessential Bitter baby mama. I am a woman writing this and it's sad to see when women believe that they can act this way and get away with it.
Life will humble you madam, you are not the first nor the last!
Easier said than done. In present day Nigeria, a single lady will go for IVF as an option to having babies? E rare oh.
ReplyDeleteSebi two actresses have done it. If those in public lime lights can why not her in her private world.
DeleteIs it not reported that a male musician did a no marriage, but birth my children arrangement with a woman friend.
She could have asked the man plainly too for a no marriage but children arrangement.
Her Christianity did not allow any other arrangement other than to marry a man she knew before hand that she would divorce after using the man to achieve her goals 🤔
Hmmmmmmmn.
ReplyDeleteShe's just selfish and heartless 💔
ReplyDeleteShe's not thinking about her children feeling and mental health.
Stella she is right, I was advising my youngest daughter about her education, I told her to focus on her self and her education, she should not be too romantically with any man bcos of her future. She might decide to travel out tomorrow and the guy might want marriage with her, and at the end all her dreams will be put on hold( I reject it for her) am advising her based on my experience.
ReplyDeleteMehn a lot of you on this blog have comprehension problem i swear....
ReplyDelete