LONELY MARRIAGE
Dear Stella and BVs, I'm sorry for this long write up..
Dear Stella and BVs, I'm sorry for this long write up..
I got married few months ago and I haven't enjoyed the marriage at all. I was working in a different state and had to leave my job just to move to his own state of residence.
I took in just a month after marriage while still searching for job and the first trimester was hell. I couldn't eat anything, drink water and I was always weak. If I drink water, I must vomit everything. It was terrible that I could barely stand so I stopped searching for job.
I lost so much weight and was the shadow of my former sef and so I stopped going out too. Though my husband tried to help during this period but some words that frequently came from his mouth were insensitive. So after the first trimester, I became a bit well and I started my search for job.
He said I should wait until I deliver next year cause when I am heavy, I won't be able to do any stressful job. So now, I am mostly inside 24/7. This is a new environment, I have no one to interact with. So a month after we got married, we went out, he was driving and I was speaking to my sister over the phone.
The call lasted for over 30mins and I noticed he was already changing mood while my sister and I were talking. I decided to end the call and the next thing he said was "what am I always discussing with my sister" "does she have marital issues" and I was shocked cause this is my elder sister. I decided not to be calling my sis for long conversations or gists again just to respect him. This was the same way he asked me to cut someone off (few weeks to our wedding) just cause I was gisting with the friend.
Now I respect him and don't call people or take calls when he's home. He goes to work very early and comes around 8pm. If I chat him up during work hours, he barely replies claiming he's busy. He doesn't call to check on me and whenever I call, he might not pick. This guy will come back by 8pm, eat and press phone.
We live like roomies (no interaction). I noticed he derives pleasure in gisting with friends over the phone. He will be on a group call with friends and the least time they spend on talking is 2hours. They sometimes talk for 3-4hrs and its gossips or petty talks. Few days ago, I was in the kitchen prepping his food, a call came in from my sis.
As I was speaking to her, my nephew said he wants to talk to me. I was speaking to him when my guy came in and yelled at me that why am I talking instead of cooking. I felt so bad cause the little boy heard him yell at me. I went to him and told him to please never yell at me that way again.
This guy threatened me, called me names and said he will talk to me anyhow but I shouldn't talk to him anyhow. He complains a lot too, about food and every other thing. I honestly have no issues with him gisting with his friends but why does he have an issue with me talking to my family and he can gist as he wants.
Sometimes I will be sleeping, he will enter the room laughing and shouting, not respecting the fact that I am sleeping. All the money I spent on antenatal registration was from my pocket, I don't ask for money and I spend the little savings I have just to avoid disrespect. I apologise for everything but rather than apologise for his wrongs, he will rather push me to bed to make love and that's it. Is this not a condescending attitude? Is this how most men act? I am so lonely and I so much miss my family.
OMG.. what kind of story is this?Didnt you see all these red flags while dating? they must have been there but you must have thought it was love? Ah, I am afraid to say this but i dont think this your marriage will last, ah!!!
Please get a job (he may not allow you work) and equip yourself for when the real drama will start, so that you can make decisions easily....
In fact, i dont know what to say..... You married an axxhole!
You stopped calling your elder sis for long gists, cos you want to respect him. You are cutting people off because of him, but he still keeps his friends/family. Ok. 🚶🚶🚶🚶
ReplyDeleteMy dear, you are married to a mongo Park.
DeleteA control freak, a narccissist and yes he is of a man.
If you like give your blood for peace to reign it will never be enough.
So tell us, what do you think is good for you? What are you going to do???
And yes, he is less of a man.
DeleteThis is living in bondage marriage
DeleteKai poster I feel really sorry for you oh. No matter what you do, take your job hunt very seriously. Even when you deliver. Bcos be will use that one as an excuse to tell you not to work too. Don't listen to anyone that tells you not to get a job yet oh. If possible, make your moves without his knowledge.
DeleteYou have married a very wicked person and you'd need to toughen up for the road ahead, sorry to say this.
Please keep in touch with your family, and tell him straight up that you cannot cut away from your family (not in a rude way).
I fear he would start beating you soon na them oh.
I wish you the best, May God help you
Even if you get a job it will continue, in fact it will get worse, your husband is a NARCISSIST. He doesn't want you to get any happiness outside him. Omo its even hard to advise you on anything right now but find a way to occupy yourself with something or get an online job. And you see ehhn there is nothing prayer can't tackle
DeleteJudge Lynn Toler used to say “even after marriage, wait at least 2 years to observe your husband” before having children with him . It is stories like this that led to those words of wisdom. If you leave without children, at least you can end your entanglement with this individual. He is either gay or just a narcissist, whatever he is though, HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
DeleteYour husband is hostile. DON'T STOP talking to your sister,he wants to push you to loneliness and depression.
ReplyDelete👍👍👍
DeletePlease do not get pregnant again, dont try it, in case you decide not to end this marriage and want to continue enduring/praying. My sister stayed and saw shege promax. Moving on with one child is much easier than having more.
DeleteMay God grant you wisdom and see you through.
This man is a wicked man,if you have searched through your heart and you see you haven't done anything to warrant all the nonsense he is doing.please stop begging him and don't ever cut your family and good friends away because of marriage.
ReplyDeletePlease focus on yourself,you need all the strength for yourself and baby.
Once you put to birth,please find a job and don't be in a haste to get pregnant again.
Wishing you safe delivery.
Mariam.
Hello sdk,I just sent you a chronicle.please check your mail.
ReplyDeleteThanks ma'am.
He’ll threaten you if you decide to work. Call his bluff. Get a job fast. When you’re busy all this pettiness will stop.its one of the things that’ll make your marriage last.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wonder why people get married. Honestly for the stress that comes with it it’s not worth it.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, marriage is good if with a right person. God should not let us marry a heartless person.
DeleteHow many people are married to the "right person ". Honestly marriage is just not it😢. It takes two committed people
DeleteThe only time I’ve suffered in my life was in marriage. Truly it’s not right going to a relationship that will nearly kill one
DeleteThought I was the only one oo Jesus Christ. the only time I’ve suffered in my life was also through marriage. I got so depressed and became the shadow of myself. It only got better when I stopped loving him and grew a tough skin and stopped focusing so much on the marriage! Right now i do things for me, I reconnected with my friends, self care;?I’m still a work in progress but I promise myself never to let go of myself ever again! These men ain’t loyal! Someone that claimed love and sweetness during dating stage now turned to a mean sprited person. I’m still healing but at least he’s not as bad at this poster’s husband! Not even close and my mental health took a hit. So I’m wondering how poster will handle a real narcissist chai!
DeletePoster do NOT get pregnant for him again please. It’s going to get worse. You’re in a bondage. This is not marriage. You’ll completely lose yourself and get really depressed especially in a new state. Ahhhh poster you’re in for a long time. You need to voice your feelings to him and how you feel about his treatment towards you. If he doesn’t change, start planning your exit ASAP. Else he will break you mentally completely. Your mental health is at stake!! You’ll need the physical and mental strength to care for your child. I’m even suggesting to go and stay with your parents after giving birth or your family members shd visit you because I’m worried you won’t get any type of support from him. I wish you serious goodluck oo because you will soooo need it.
Ps: remember, marriage ends here on earth!!! Even if you don’t remarry again it’s fine because it all ends here on earth! This type of marriage won’t even allow you focus on God and heaven! Poster please put you and your kid first!
I'm sure you did moan helplessly too. Hopefully he'd grow up else, you're on one helluva bumpy marital ride coz your husband is not a kind person.
ReplyDeleteVery unkind something with abusive traits.
DeleteIs this man your boyfriend or husband?ko ye mi rara
ReplyDeleteIt is well with you posted.
ReplyDeleteYour Mumu na pro max. Ontop man!
ReplyDeleteNa see finish don enter so o!
ReplyDeleteA very big mean joker.
So he's cutting you out from people that will be there for you tomorrow.
Na them o!
He go soon add beating, na small small e dey start.
Now, try and get a job. When time reach to put to bed, you take your maternity leave and go back to your job after. Do everything to be scarce in his presence, to avoid see finish
And hey, whatever you do take care of yourself and your baby.🤗💙
Even if see finish enter, this is not normal!!! This is not marriage at alll.
DeleteHe can keep his friends and family but you can't keep.
ReplyDeletePlease keep your family and friends cos you will need them at long run and pls Once you deliver Ur baby and bounce back, look for job to support your self
What kind of man is this? Some of these men be making marriage difficult and scary,
ReplyDeletePoster it looks like it was a long distance relationship before you guys got married, no friendship too
Please don't cut your family off if not him and loneliness will deal with you!
I wish you weren't pregnant. Kids complicate even the most basic issues. He won't hesitate to use the kid as a weapon to achieve his purpose. Frankly, I don't even think he will support your plan to get a job after birth. As toxic as he is, he will only get worse and it's up to you to face him squarely. The last thing you should do is alienate your family for the sake of whatever peace. Stand on your ground and talk as long as you want with your family. If he doesnt like it,he should go and mop the sea.
ReplyDeleteDid you trap him or was he forced to marry you?cos how can a man be so controlling and insensitive at the same time?this is a radarada marriage
ReplyDeleteI can confidently tell you he was not forced, he probably married her because society expected him to be married at a certain age and who doesn't want the benefit that comes with being responsible in the face of their family, friends and community? He has the tag already, "I'm married" and he's about to enjoy the fatherhood tag, mission accomplished.
DeleteI have a family member who married someone like this, you will know why he married you soon if you pay enough attention.
In all you do, don't let him rush you to have a second child, get a job and be prepared to train that child because they are fancy daddy except if you know how to trick him into paying bills.
Poster, I'm sorry you were a victim of this. Don't hide his doings from your trusted family members and friends. At this point, you need to be smart with him, don't argue or trade words with him to avoid being hit. Will he change? they barely do, you just create coping mechanisms around him but what is the benefit of getting married without enjoying the major thing it is found for; companionship is vital.
Poster don't cover up for him at all, he sounds mean and is an enemy of progress
DeleteAlso sadly he doesn't love you
We don't really do what is termed dating, we like abridged versions of everything. Worse still, we subject our choice and decision to what suits social rhetoric rather than our most logical compatibilities.
ReplyDeleteCritically comparing every situation in a marital scenario is what dating period should be. If you aren't satisfied with the goings-on, extent the dating period until you have a clear and better understanding of the kind of partner you are dealing with. And the probable relationship you are enabling. Love is sweet, but you need to go into one more with your head, and less of your heart. So you can see things clearly.
You are in trouble lady. See that controlling remote you married, you have to be wise.
ReplyDeleteYou should have reserved your money and ask for antenatal money from him. What you can't sustain, don't start now.
Ask for money because he has the capability. Don't cut off from your sister.
Ask for money for antenatal , he is the man who gave you belle
DeleteExactly!He impregnated you so he should take full responsibility of your wellfare.He works so why is he not giving you money.You sound so naive.They no born the man well wey go control the the way I make calls….Please do yourself a big favour and stop at 1 child.Take heavy precautions to avoid taking in the second time cuz the future with him looks blank.I repeat “ON NO ACCOUNT MUST YOU GET PREGNANT BY THAT WICKED MAN”.
DeleteAnd another thing;make Una try de ask spiritual questions before choosing a partner ..It’s very important a.
Hmmmmmmmn.
ReplyDeleteWas it an arranged marriage?the reason why i asked this question is because i know of someone in this kind of similar story to yours
ReplyDeleteThe only difference is that,this lady is not pregnant yet,as at the time i'm typing this...lol
It's like you probably didn't date well enough to notice this attitude of his before you got married,or you overlooked it,thinking he would change which most time,it gets worse after marriage.
My advice is this.....
Start to confide in close family members especially your elder sister,do not talk to any of his family members yet,as they often complicates things more.
Take a trip maybe a week to your parents place,you need sanity and peace in this your condition.Watch his reaction.
start to plan for yourself alone after the birth of your baby,how to start work and be financially strong,i'm afraid this his action is tending towards domestic violence.PLAN for your life sister.
Life is too short to live in confinement in an unhappy union.
Whatever that your person does, let her not get pregnant ooo. Pregnancy complicated things! She needs to first come to terms with her situation f therafter she wants the child she can proceed, for now press pause!
DeleteHmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteThe most complex B
He seems like someone who can get violent. Let your people and his know about this development. I know the marriage is too young to start inviting third parties, but there is no other way.
ReplyDeleteAs you look for ways to remedy the situation, also keep a plan B at the back of your mind, and plan B should be an exit from the marriage.
Where is your mum? Ask her or your sister to invite you for a visit. Take a break and give him one too. He’s either evil or acting out cause of pressure from all the charges in his life. If it’s the first option, we are in trouble
ReplyDeleteIf he’s acting out due to life changes, then give both of you a break, rest with your parents and get some pampering
You don’t want to remember your pregnancy with just sadness. Even if you can’t go to mum, try to focus on your joy right now. Watch movies you like, join fb groups for pregnant women, join good prayer lines, learn how to code, learn cybersecurity, learn a new language, learn yo make new dishes for you and the knuckle head. He’s out from morning till 8pm, that’s enough time for you to make your calls, learn things and enjoy. When he comes home, give him food and start your bed prep
Whatever he says that you don’t like, don’t reply
Dear Poster
ReplyDeleteSorry about what you are passing through.
He said you should wait till you give birth before you get a job,but what do you really want or think? Do you want a job now or you want to wait till after you give birth? I would advice you get a job though and this festive period is when to start applying for jobs .
Next time when you are on the phone with your family, how about passing the phone to your husband so he can greet them as well?
If you chat or call him just to check up on him during work hours and he does not reply ,please don't because of that stop checking up on him,he will come around .Also, are you sure that you guys are speaking the same love language? Check to be double sure.
Next time if he does something or says something that you don't like ,try not to talk back at him when you know he is angry and talking,two captains cannot be in one ship,later, you can discuss this with him when you see he is in a good mood,study his mood.
He is still your husband, I know you are angry and hurt but try not to refer to him as this guy.
Try have patience with him
Do you pray for him ? Do you pray for your marriage? Do you pray together? If no,please ,start now,a family that pray together, stays together . Pray for your home,your husband and the baby in your womb. Make positive confessions as well
Your marriage will work in Jesus Name.
I am glad you have a positive outlook. Hopefully things change for the better for her.
DeleteAll these emotionally immature and entitled creatures pretending to be men have no business getting married. They are TOXIC
Delete@Lagos Mainand Girl,
DeleteThank you. Words well said.
won’t she express her feelings. So she shd continue to bottle them up until she goes crazy??? Some of you women have serious low self esteem Jesus Christ! NO, she shdnt continue to text him if he doesn’t reply her. He will continue to feel entitled! Men like him are demons inhuman form. He doesn’t not give a damn about her. Only to produce pikin. Poster make up your mind on your next steps if things don’t change. Or is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Miserable and unhappy??? You’ll look back and have lots of regrets. Speak UP 🗣️. In a respectful way but firm. Just pray and use discernment to handle this marriage situation. Because na real situation be this oo hmmm.
DeleteMy dear, this is not marriage. You can't talk to your sister because of husband? He told you to cut off someone before marriage and you did not end whatever you had with him there and then???
ReplyDeleteHe wants to subdue you and make you a zombie. Either you stand up and fight it now or endure it forever and become a bitter person with low self esteem.
Choose one now.
I feel so sorry for you poster. Nothing like disrespect,make demands on him,concerning your pregnancy journey,the child is his,don't allow him to cut you off from your siblings or friends. You have to be strong for yourself and unborn child.🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteIn all you do, don't form Mrs financially independent.Ask for money o.
ReplyDeleteASK OOOO
DeletePoster,first of all sorry for wat ur going tru dis early in marriage.abeg don't cut ur sister and family off dats y ur lonely.if he will not be there for u abeg let ur family be there for u.pls do and go job hunting,see finish don dey enta.take care of urself and don't develop BP on top man matta.pls let ur family mk u happy.ur sis is just checking up and he is jealous.e hugs dear
ReplyDeleteShe mentioned that they lived apart when courting Sha.. You just never completely know a human until you know them.
ReplyDeletePoster, sorry about what you’re going through. Please follow Ava’s advice.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry that you are in such a union, especially while being so pregnant. It seems as though you are strangers and the marriage is not built on anything at all, except that you are pregnant. Where is the friendship? Where is the togetherness, the unity? The man is controlling and does not want you connected to anyone but him, these are tactics that an abused users to isolate their victims. Did you do any marriage counselling before getting married? Please be alert and aware.
ReplyDeleteI wish you had the means to just go somewhere and have a peaceful birthing experience. Whatever you do, protect yourself from getting pregnant again. See what this marriage is about before you let that man lay up in you and put you in a situation where you cannot easily run away because you are pregnant again. And the easiest time to get pregnant is right after giving birth. Also, have an income of your own, do not let him coerce you to stop working and have a serious plan b in place.
I can confidently tell you he was not forced, he probably married her because society expected him to be married at a certain age and who doesn't want the benefit that comes with being responsible in the face of their family, friends and community? He has the tag already, "I'm married" and he's about to enjoy the fatherhood tag, mission accomplished.
ReplyDeleteI have a family member who married someone like this, you will know why he married you soon if you pay enough attention.
In all you do, don't let him rush you to have a second child, get a job and be prepared to train that child because they are fancy daddy except if you know how to trick him into paying bills.
Poster, I'm sorry you were a victim of this. Don't hide his doings from your trusted family members and friends. At this point, you need to be smart with him, don't argue or trade words with him to avoid being hit. Will he change? they barely do, you just create coping mechanisms around him but what is the benefit of getting married without enjoying the major thing it is found for; companionship is vital.
This is what the alpha males want ...a door mat, a breeder, a toy for their pleasure...a slave, very soon now he will 'lock' you out of 'his' house as you no dey contribute rent, let Eessah and Dante advice you, seems your hubby is their type of man.KMT. Sorry Poster.
ReplyDeleteAlpha males are full of flaws and broken
DeleteAlpha males are full of flaws and broken
DeleteThey are hardly present on this kind of chronicle. Did you see them around? That chronicle of a man that wanted to divorce his wife because he said she is clingy , if it was a lady that sent it in, he would say she has another bobo deceiving her outside and looking for a way to dump her husband hence her complaining that he is clingy. That as##wo still dey her eye.
DeleteThe poster husband is abusive and would start to hit her soon if she stands her ground. I wonder how he pretended and she did not notice.
19:19
DeleteLol.
How do you know a male bv has not commented? Is it because you have not seen a known male Bv ID?
Anyway experience shows that when sincere advice is given here by male Bvs, insults follows quicker knowing that shaming of the man as talking too much (like a woman) will prevent a reply/retort from the typical male.
19:58. I never said any male has not commented. Don't twist my words. Maybe you scroll up and read the first comment I responded to.
DeleteYour last paragraph is just cheap flimsy excuses. Such fake reasoning has never prevented some male blog visitors from commenting with their IDs when the Chronicles interests them.
Case in point the man who wanted to divorce his wife due to clinginess and the case of the one who wanted to break up with his girlfriend due to her complaining nature. Why didn't "they" avoid commenting on those days since they were scared of being tagged as "talking like a woman"?
Please say something else and stop being sly. But if you still insist that is the reason then I hope they prove you right by keeping quiet on every other chronicle posted henceforth.
21:37
DeleteLol
So you were looking for the mouth of specific male Bvs?
Meaning you did not have the interest of Poster in seeking male contribution?
You just wanted a gender brick bats?
Was that what the Poster wanted?
Anyway, Apologies. Full apologies!
Lol.
I thought I was the one that sent this, just that I didn't get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteMarried only to find out that the man only wants me to represent him as his wife during his mother's funeral cos it will be shameful to him if the junior brother's wife performs the rite.
After funeral, I saw hell, he even choose all his exes over me.
Last Last, I carried my bag and left. Bride price returned after his initial graduation.
He is mean. Why deceive someone just to save his face? do these people think this experience leaves the women/men involved in a normal statement?
DeleteThat is why I tell people getting married is so easy in this era but finding a sincere person is the difficult part
Just imagine!
DeletePoster. I feel bad for you reading this. What kind of man is this?. Is this truely marriage?
ReplyDeletePlease after you put to bed, look for work. Infact start now to search online for possible clues so after you can do physical search.
Don't cut off your friends and family. I am speaking from experience. Keep your distance.
After making his food, be on your own or simply go to the room if he is in the sitting room. By so doing he will get the message and probably know you are not happy in the marriage. He may change or may not
He wouldn't have treated you this way if you were to be financially okay. Nothing as good and respectable as a financially
Strong and independent woman.
I wish you all the best and safe delivery
Truth is some men do not care. They are even happy to be rid of the presence of the wife to do what they "press phone" for.
DeleteRed flaggg.
ReplyDeleteTypical abuser style.
The first thing abusers do when they marry their victim is to cut them off from their family and friends. Google is your friend.
My dear, you havs to brace yourself because it gets worse.
I have a foreboding that this marriage has a major crisis point ahead of it soon. Domestic violence won't be far.
ReplyDeleteHowever, no one can abuse you if you don't allow it. That man is totally insensitive. He will destroy his home with his hands.
Young marriage for that matter this is sad poster pls don't cut your family and friends off , his attitude its ok at all no communication, play,lovey dovey as new couple
ReplyDeleteAsk him money for ante natal and things you know husbands do for their wives, so if your savings finish how will you cope stand up for your self
I don't like this at all it's not healthy for your condition
I am a man and i hate when a woman is been maltreated. Poster, your hubby is an heartless man. In the name of God i beg of you delay your second pregnancy with him. I wish you safe delivery. Shalom.
ReplyDeleteWhy are you spending all your savings
ReplyDeletePls ask him for money
Always ask for money
Do not stop asking for money
Keep asking for money
Stop spending all your money
Someone or something else maybe spending his money
Save your money
Always save your money
Keep saving your money
Take from him and save money
Poster did you hear me??????
And pls don’t be afraid to ask for money it’s your right!
Ask for money to buy baby things and ask for money to stock your fridge with fruits and vegetables
If he asks what you are doing with your money. Tell him you have exhausted it
Love
Zendaya
Zendaya 💯💯💯. She needs to collect money from him!. That us her only gain in this "marriage ".
DeleteAnon and Zendaya, it's not easy asking for money from a wicked and stingy person oh, it's draining and undignifying. Reason why we tell ladies to have a source of income, no matter what, if she was empowered, she would definitely have a choice and a plan B. Poster, keep searching for a job first.
DeleteMy dear anon 21.42 believe me I know. I am living it. It is soul destroying😢. But she has to , if she spends all her money then she will be in a more terrible situation 😢. It is very hard but she has to collect money from him
DeleteIf she uses up her savings before finding another job, she will see shege promax. It's better to collect the antenatal money and money for baby things from him and even save some in case he refuses to buy baby food. Just have a plan to get someone to look after the baby so you can actively go and search for jobs or start a business once you have the baby.
DeleteWhat you cannot sustain, do not start in marriage.
Try to study when he is in a good mood and speak to him about things he does that you don't like. If you both continue this way without speaking to yourselves the marriage will not last. The signs were obviously there but you ignored thinking it was love like Stella rightly said. May God help you.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, please start standing up for yourself now, else this man will so manipulate you and if care is not taken make you miserable. Call his bluff and do the long calls with your loved ones, marriage is not between slave and master. For me respect is reciprocal if you like be husband think say you fit talk to me anyhow, omo na to return the same energy with full force, stop paying for things from your savings, with this kind of man you married put a full stop to that your madam independence mentality, if not you wlill finish all your savings and be at his mercy, this one you are seeing will be small compared to what he will dish out. Woman put your foot down, how you start your marriage is very important. More like as you lay your bed na so you go lie on am.
ReplyDeleteHmmm of she talks to him anyhow, he will beat her ooo. Her family are not even nearby😢
DeleteInstead of faya for faya in marriage, is it not better to leave the marriage?
DeleteWe castigate women who stay in bad marriages.
Then encourage them too to fight back and retaliate bad behaviour with bad behaviour?
Yes, she should stop picking bills of any kind in the marriage because she is unemployed.
But would you encourage her to split bills 50/50 as soon as she is employed, based on your advice to her to do 50/50 faya for faya fight?
Why is it only bad husbands' behaviour wives are encouraged to reciprocate?
Na by force to stay married to a bad man?
This is a very nauseating story. Poster I'm so sorry for all that you are going through but this isn't a marriage. It is a slave-master relationship. That man won't change and he'll cause you more pain and gaslight you later on.
ReplyDeleteI'd advice that
I'd advice that you prepare for the worse and map out your exit. Sadly, you married a controlling self-centered man and hope that he doesn't add violence to it on the long run as abuse is already involved.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should take some time off away from him for your mental health sake.
Poster please use your brain o! Which one is you are spending for antenatal? Ask him! Bill him! If he says he doesn not have , pretend like you stopped going and next time ur sis calls make sure you say to her hearing that u have not started antenatal. Please stop spending ur money! Does he help you with chores? How are u doing traditional wife and spending money? Sorry about what you are goinv through but u need to be smart. Also after this child, pause o. Childbearing oo because this man is not it. You need to prepare.
ReplyDeleteHmmm
ReplyDeleteDid u date this guy At all or u guys where matched?you didn’t see no signs or what?
ReplyDeleteI feel for you but pls for the sake of your health and your unborn child do not stressed yourself. Wait till you put to bed , get a job because this Your marriage may not last and stop spending your money anyhow.
ReplyDeleteLadies sha.. Everything your husband is doing to you didn't start when you got married. But typical of Naija women, maybe out of desperation, or the 'I will change him mentality' you ignored these signs of toxicity.
ReplyDeleteI always tell women, build your self worth, marriage does not determine your self worth.
I am not one to advice a woman to leave her husband, I will never.
All I can tell you, is that you should regain the self respect you sacrificed on the altar of having a Mrs title, by demanding your husband treats you right. Your husband is a bully with low self esteem and the only way to handle such people is by standing up for yourself.
This post reminds me of the dude I broke up with 2 weeks ago we’ve been in a relationship for 1year and 7months before I left him 2 weeks ago. The first day I visited him after months of him asking me out he shouted at me angrily I mean his voice was at it’s highest tune I was scared that day but to me honest I was lonely and I really wanted to be loved by someone prior to meeting him I had moved and lived in that city for 2 years I didn’t have friends or any single soul to talk to so I overlooked this red flag and accepted to date him I’ll proceed to state somethings I noticed about him the first day he picked me from my office he dropped me half way and said he will order a bolt for me because he had an important meeting to attend he checked the bolt price it was 1100# he said the price is too much I should enter normal along keke (Please note that this man is very rich he lives in his own mansion , he owns filling stations and big businesses ) I really loved him and I was working and making my own money so honestly I wasn’t bothered about whether he spends on me or not. He has a son I really loved the boy like my own well one day he went to church with his son and I couldn’t make it to church with them I had to cook etc he called me after church to tell me he took his son to Shoprite I was like okay babe pls buy me ice cream he said “ madam the weather is cold I won’t buy it “ well to my utmost surprise he came back with a cup of ice cream in his son’s hands I asked myself wasn’t the weather too cold for his little son to take ice cream so he bought for his son and never thought to get me one since I asked ? I over looked it well if I take a bottle of 200naira coke from his fridge he will nag as if I took a bottle of Moët so I started buying my own soft drinks whenever I visited. I would be in his house he would go out and come back with food , suya etc for just himself I lost my job and for 4 months this dude couldn’t help me with even 1thousand naira pls note that whenever I visited him I bought things to cook with my money sometimes I stock up his house with provisions for his son when I’m visiting. This dude abused me emotionally and mentally till I lost my self confidence I started to walk on egg shells around him because I didn’t know what I would do or say that would get him angry and he can keep malice for months I went through a lot to cut the long story short he relocated and did a passport for me then started the process for me to join him after we get married this December 2 weeks ago I sat myself down and asked myself irrespective of how much I love this man is he a kind man ? No will he bring me joy? No is he a friend ? No does he feel like a companion? No will he treat me and love me like I do him? No I woke up the next morning deleted and blocked him on all platforms my friends say I’m stupid I’m going to be 30 next year and I rejected a rich man and the opportunity to relocate. I don’t want to be among those ladies that travel and leave the man because men will say “ she left me they won’t say what they did “ dear poster leave that man .
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for taking stock and realizing your worth. You may not feel it today, but one day you will be absolutely proud of yourself for what you did. A bondage marriage is no marriage, not even on paper.
DeletePoster I came in late but I must drop my own advice to you. LEAVE that marriage NOW! Trust me, nothing cgood will come out of it and guess what you will still leave later but I'm afraid, with plenty low esteem, battered personality, plenty children,maybe hbp etc. Mark my words, your horseband will get worse
DeleteI am sorry for how you feel poster, it's the worse place to be as human. leave that man now it's early. No coating of words. Leave! When you meet love, you will
DeleteThanks for sharing anon 20:36.
DeletePlease what are you still doing there?
ReplyDeleteSome of you will come and write about how your spouses do not love and respect you but you won't see how you do not love yourself. Are you not being hypocritical?
You won't treat yourself with respect, you won't show yourself love then you will turn around asking why someone else is treating you badly while pretending to be clueless like you don't know you are the cause.
Keep tolerating his excesses and watch him control you like a robot. Keep at it and very soon, little by little he will turn you into a caricature of yourself.
What do you mean you respect him so you don't pick up calls when he is home? Are you not losing your sanity like this? Go back and read that comment of yours, please does it make sense to you? You don't pick up calls when your husband is at home? Are you living in bondage? If there is an emergency at the time your husband is around, that means nobody can reach you? Please pity your parent who brought you into this world and take your sanity back.
I have been avoiding your chronicle because it is vexing me but I just have to say my mind. I opened and closed it three times only to come back.
Are you, not the one that gave him the confidence to treat you the same way you treat yourself? You call him at work, and he ignores you, knowing fully well he left a pregnant woman at home and yet he won't call back to check on you, still, you keep giving him unnecessary attention as if he matters.
You refused to ask for money for antenatal and that is the same way you will refuse to ask for money for baby needs when your baby arrives. Why are you such a coward? Why are you so timid and fidgety? Are you a slave? That child you are carrying belongs to him so go right now and meet him and let him carry out his responsibility as a father.
How can you even respect a boy who is so sleazy and not ashamed to step up to the plate?
That tyrant doesn't respect or rate you because he thinks you are dumb and he will take advantage of you till you stand up for yourself.
My advice to you is to leave him but I doubt you would listen. So firstly, report him. Report him to whoever you know he listens to and let them help you speak some senses into his head. Do not keep quiet or the abuse will escalate. Quickly nip it in the bud by shouting out and letting people know what you are going through.
When he enters the room when you are sleeping without consideration for you while shouting, kindly stand up and go to the next room to sleep or better still, tell him to tone it down.
If you try to stand up for yourself just have it at the back of your mind he might go violent. This is why it is suggested to quickly escalate this matter by reporting him to his family and yours before he goes full-blown ballistic on you. If he gets to the point of violence and you still stay with him after he has pummelled you and he knows there is no consequence, just know, he will hit you forever.
You have to leave after all that if he doesn't change because some of you do not love yourself, you only love the fact that you are in a marriage. It doesn't matter how miserable you are treated there. You will refuse to leave and complain to people.
I don't know why leaving someone who makes you miserable is a problem for some.
P.S.
Whenever you are cooking and you have calls coming in, you can put it on speaker instead of holding it in your hands because it helps you multitask, so you won't delay in preparing and dishing the food while you keep your husband hungrily waiting or you tell them(whoever is calling) to give you a minute to attend to your husband and then call back. This is about showing some consideration. The kind he failed to show when you were sleeping and he entered the room shouting without caring you needed some rest and he might wake you up.
Words on Marble.
SHe was talking on the phone
DeleteThere’s no excuse for yelling at your wife
He could have bloody waited
Anon 21:14
DeleteYou have said it all. Plain and glaring truth! God bless you.
We do not like the truth. The comments preceding yours did not advise her to leave. Rather she should endure endure endure. So many women have found themselves in this situation, they were asked to endure and make plans for plan B….going into defensive mode from day one, is hardly a marriage.
My dear poster. Your marriage is headed for doom. With you being the victim on all levels and all aspects.
What I would do:
* I will call his bluff (as gently as possible) If he dares beat me, the marriage is over - I will pack my bags and leave with my life. I won’t be afraid of this because the way it is going, that is where we are headed if he does not change.
* I am also a human being. Why should I give up my whole life because of you? Have I not given up too much already - my name, my job, my comfort?
* how can I not speak to you my husband as my husband, my friend, my lover?? Why would you not answer my calls?
* I will not cut off anyone for you unless I feel that person is not a good person or is giving me bad advice.
* be sure to share my story with people around me. I will not keep quiet, because keeping quiet festers the pain I am in. And also gives him the opportunity to grow his evil character.
* be sure to confide in a member of his family. Maybe his sister. One person is enough so that they know what is going on. Make a sister out of this person.
* I will get a job. Make my own money. And still ask him for money. “Good” girls are always the victims.
* I will not be afraid of him. If you were not pregnant, I would have asked you to take taekwondo or karate classes or something so that you will be sure enough to defend yourself when the time comes. Men as hunters smell fear from a mile away.
* I will tell him (in a gentle way) and guide him in how I want to be treated. Men respect women who do this (without knowing it).
* I will zero my mind that if this marriage is not working, I am out!
You have hard choices to make poster. You have been adviced. Do that which will keep you alive tomorrow.
💯 @ 4.40
DeleteThis comment should be pinned or stored by all. Abuse is insidious and it’s often too late to react when it’s chipped away at your soul.
Poster, please go back to speaking with your sister and do it openly as well. Do this intentionally or you will be isolated.
Get a job as soon as you can! Start a small business if it’s a childcare issue.
Others have said it all. Just keep a copy of this post. One day if you get more strength, majority of these comments will be useful.
To others who are facing this and reading, get out now and stop thinking that your relationship is your life. It is being married and suffering domestic violence that is a death sentence.Stop blaming yourself, your abuser is very smart and deliberately chose you.
This marriage is too early for all you have said..it's dead on arrival I'm so sorry to say. How can you guy be living like roommates already, no gist and all. I pray you find a job or business and start prepping yourself for anything
ReplyDeleteHello poster. How are you doing? I hope you are doing great. That man right there is my HUSBAND, and I can tell you they only get worse with age and time. First, make YOURSELF happy, very HAPPY o. Because they derive joy in sadness, they can't connect emotionally with their wives. When I was pregnant, on my way to Antenatal I will be praying that I don't throw up in the car. Cos the way he will yell at me eh. Unfortunately, I have fallen completely out of love, because I have cried too much, I don't even feel anything for him. Make yourself HAPPY, or better still its just 1 child now, Leave.
ReplyDeleteShe should leave? why have you not left since he is the same character with your own horseband?
DeleteAnswering your last question, not all men/husbands behave as complained by you of your husband.
ReplyDeleteSecond, please stop spending your savings on your ante-natal care.
The reasons are:
1. Your husband can afford to pay all expenses relating to your pregnancy, delivery and baby care.
Though almost every woman believes that the child of her womb belongs to her only, it is the norm, except in cases of sudden loss of total income and total loss of capacity to earn, that a married (even a sensible unmarried) father should bear the costs of birthing his child. The mother may choose to spend extra to give the child better, but the mindset with which you are spending on your ante-natal care is wrong.
2. You are not working/earning.
3. You need your savings for emergencies and "he refuse to pick your call"; for your job search later; and for the warm comfort that only having money gives.
Know now that financial dependence on a husband is not the main or only cause of see finish in a marriage. See finish is caused by several factors in the relationship vis-a-vis the respective backgrounds of the couple. Even the daughter of a Billionaire can be seen finish in a relationship with the son of a poorer father just as a richer wife can be seen finish in marriage.
Third, and this unrelated to your marriage issue, please stop carrying mobile phone into your kitchen. Stop picking or making calls in the kitchen. Phone calls has been known to cause killer fire explosions/incidents in kitchens. Mobile telephones are known to be very dirty/bacteria laden and should not be handled when preparing food.
Fourth, it appears something not really big or serious went skewed between you both. Is this a case of unmet expectations magnified? Review your pre-marital relationship, marriage celebrations events, and all you did not write here alone or with your husband to find out where it went bent. Trying to avoid see finish to the extent you have gone is itself a red flag in a marriage. It reads as if you have small raised shoulders. And all these wahala is a poor attempt by your husband to caught you down to size.
Sometimes, we stoop to conquer. Some Female Bvs will tell you don't stoop o; give him back to sender. Very good suggestion. Clearly, you did not sign up for suffering or humiliation in marriage. You also did not sign up for war in the marriage. In fact giving a man back to sender in a fresh marriage is the highway to full "see finish". It means the woman has nowhere to go, or nothing to live on except the man. If you cannot stoop to conquer, this chronicle was a waste of time except as a quest for validation of an already made decision to leave the marriage as insinuated in some comments.
Fifth, apparently your husband is like the typical male who lacks marriage knowledge and experience of pregnant women challenges. It is worse for men whose wives got pregnant immediately after marriage. Even some of the female Bvs who will come discredit my comments have not sat down to talk with their sons about this matter or even teach their sons the basic home affairs matters. Generally men learn on the job in marriage. Some women are, however, lucky to marry men who learned from living with older married sisters or older married brothers/uncles, etc. or in the rare cases, men who are just good-natured.
Sixth, the best solution to a problem is to avoid or evade it. Avoid and evade the challenges you can so deal with. Telephone/Gist with whoever when he is out of the home. Give him space (not grudgingly) to chat when he is at home. When your child is birthed, fatherhood will likely sober him. Please do not use your savings to buy diapers and baby food O!
Plenty marriages have this type of teething problems. Some couples overcome and laugh over it later. Some couples go apart.
When you start earning you can then talk about bills support not to assert equality with your husband or to avoid see finish, but because you care.
Wishing you safe delivery and successful job hunting or business establishment.
Marriage is not easy especially at the beginning, but the worst you can do for yourself is to give in to his bullying tactics......... If he complains you stay longer on phone please when he is on call complain too. At this first stage the way you give in to his demand is the way it will be. Just be wise be woke.
ReplyDeleteYour Husband is Evil Personified
ReplyDeleteYou are living with your Enemy
He wants to break and crush your Spirit and make you solely dependent on him.
Try and stand up for yourself and please don’t stop communicating with your siblings and friends.
He’s a Controlling Evil Man
💯 True talk.
DeleteMadam I am not sure you pipu dated o. for you to finding out about this issues na. Couples are suppose to be partners in crime and love, flatmates o. Pray God will turn the story around. Please talk don't get tired or speaking to him. Do it with respect too
ReplyDeleteDon't call this one marriage at all cos you are not married but in a man's house as his furniture or house maid. Who does that to a woman called your wife? You shouldn't speak to your family members cos you are his wife, you shouldn't also make friends, no going out of talking to anyone.
ReplyDeleteI know that once your baby comes you will be so busy to even notice him,by that time he will understand how a woman will treat a man who he does not respect.
You are feeling terrible to cos you have no job cos if you have job you will a little bit occupied and not wait for his attention. Please make friends on line and always chat with them. Your husband want to see you depressed or reduce you to something else but don't let him break you. If the stress is much and you feel that is a harm to your pregnancy please move to your family's house and stay there till after 3 months of giving birth.
Don't let that your husband be catching cruise with you again, when he is on phone making calls and laughing just leave that area and go somewhere to make your own calls. Sit him down and ask him why he married you, what is your offences or how you both can fix your home to be better else start thinking of exit.
My dear I Don't even know what advice to conclusively give...Nigerian marriage is usually a bed of thorns. Is there any way to have marriage counselling? I am sure he will refuse 😢. It's hard for me to tell you to leave because apparently " a wise woman builds her home". That seems to mean you put up with whatever the husband does .
ReplyDeletePlease have only 1 child for him. Start collecting as much money as you can from him. Make sure you get a job as soon as possible. Try not to shout back at him but speak to him calmly and firmly, stand up for yourself in a calm way. Try to make some friends in your location. Just give it a bit of time, if he doesn't change or gets worse, then you must leave Al least you know you tried your best. If he EVER lays 1 finger on you then LEAVE and NEVER go back NO MATTERWHAT!.
Poster, start demanding money from him , respectably. Keep your remaining savings, you wll need it especially when baby arrives. I say start collecting money for baby things and your own upkeep. Tell him respectably that you have exhausted your own savings and you can't work now. I keep saying respectably because that is the only thing that can help you in your condition. Address him respectably, do everything respectably o. After you deliver, search for a job.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I hope you are attending a church or mosque program and also join your state WhatsApp groups from Facebook groups, make friends in your location. Don't cut off from your family and friends because of this man o. Just reduce the way you talk to them on phone when he is around. Do this for now because of your condition.
Most importantly, collect money from him 2. Finish him with respect. This is coming from a married woman with almost 20yrs experience. Reduce the love you have for him so you don't hurt too much and focus on yourself and baby.
After you respect him very well, if he gives you money and doesn't beat you, you can manage him but if he is useless or beats you, then leave. Those two things are my deal breaker.
Safe delivery I wish you
I am sure that the friend she said the husband asked to cut off must have told her the truth about what she should expect. She went ahead because of the "what will people say" mindset, as if it is those people that will help her endure. With the news and gist flying around nowadays, any right-thinking woman that values her sanity will not settle for this kind of marriage; How will a wife, not a slave say she does not pick her sister's call whenever the husband is home, "out of respect"? Very soon she will stop eating out of the same respect. If this is happening in less than 6 months after wedding, please how will the next 6 years look like?
ReplyDelete