COMPLICATED SITUATION
Hello Stella, compliments of the season.
I need to unburden/purge my mind before the year runs out. I feel I need closure. I’ve decided
I’m done with all of them and under no circumstances would I ever have anything to do with them no matter the scenario
I recall that when you posted the story, there was a lot of backlash from the comments section with some going as far as commenting that there Might be another wife the family is protecting or we may not be married hence the omission.
Yes we are married and yes we live together and yes we have on child and it’s the child that Is being tested this way.
Recall I previously posted a comment which you upgrades to chronicles sometimes in may/June 2021.
It concerns my husband’s family where by they, for reason best known to them decided to omit my son’s name and mine from their dad’s burial booklet.
I mean only the two of from the same family( I’m married to their first born n we have a child.
Pls don’t get me wrong, i would have taken it as an error if there hadn’t been precedent of such ill treatment’s. I shall proceed to narrate two incidences prior to this!:
In 2021, they lost their grandma and as usual ,we went to the wake keeping, we live a bit far andcouldnt go back home same night and so their mum asked us to go sleep in her room,(I and my son And one of her daughters and her two kids).
when it was time to sleep. The sister ordered my son who was 8 then to vacate the room and go sleep in her other brothers room as she claims her much older son would not compose himself n sleep if my son is there.m( Her son is older than mine). Who does that? Why does the younger child suffer for her sons lack of composure.
I objected and she said she’s already discussed with my husband.. I stood my grounds and we ended up sleeping on the floor with my son while she slept with her two kids on the bed.
There was also another episode where the other daughter looked me in the face n asked me how I feel that my son is not the first grandchild.(her elder sister has a kid that’s older than my son(she got married before him). I feel this is all shades of wrong and unacceptable.
On each occasion, I bring up the issue with my husband and he claimed it s just an innocent act or I misread their intention.
Now with this two instances out of many, I’d proceed to narrate how they not only omit my son’s name n mine, but claimed it’s an oversight.
Recall my husband is the first son.
My pain is that they were Aware of this supposed error but didn’t bring it to my notice till during
the church service when my son read the booklet and called my attention first (My son is a voracious reader.
I thought it’s an innocent mistake till I looked closely and realized my name n his were the only ones omnitted.
I withdrew completely from them after the incidence and had no contact with them in
whatever capacity at whichever period since it happened. As in I’m done.
Recently, the mum came to visit us. During her visit, she said what happened was unfortunate and I should pls forgive but insists her kids have nothing to do with it and she didn’t raise her kids that way.
She repeated this same response about her daughters behavior of sending my son out, saying her daughter cannot do such.
To say I was shocked and dismayed that this is the best she can do as per damage control is an understatement.
Is she trying to say its printers devil and as such no one is to blame?
Is this a coincidence or just one of many that could happen?
Is she siding her kids despite all evidences ?
Thing is, I feel the apology is a fluke as they are not ready to own up to their actions.
It has caused a considerable strain in the marriage as I see him as weak for allowing such and not doing much to protect us and taking sides with his family.
Pls is there anyone who has experienced this or am I simply being paranoid,cos I questioned my sanity when the mum said her kids are not capable of such.
Pls if you were in my shoes, what would you do.?
I need to unburden/purge my mind before the year runs out. I feel I need closure. I’ve decided
I’m done with all of them and under no circumstances would I ever have anything to do with them no matter the scenario
I recall that when you posted the story, there was a lot of backlash from the comments section with some going as far as commenting that there Might be another wife the family is protecting or we may not be married hence the omission.
Yes we are married and yes we live together and yes we have on child and it’s the child that Is being tested this way.
Recall I previously posted a comment which you upgrades to chronicles sometimes in may/June 2021.
It concerns my husband’s family where by they, for reason best known to them decided to omit my son’s name and mine from their dad’s burial booklet.
I mean only the two of from the same family( I’m married to their first born n we have a child.
Pls don’t get me wrong, i would have taken it as an error if there hadn’t been precedent of such ill treatment’s. I shall proceed to narrate two incidences prior to this!:
In 2021, they lost their grandma and as usual ,we went to the wake keeping, we live a bit far andcouldnt go back home same night and so their mum asked us to go sleep in her room,(I and my son And one of her daughters and her two kids).
when it was time to sleep. The sister ordered my son who was 8 then to vacate the room and go sleep in her other brothers room as she claims her much older son would not compose himself n sleep if my son is there.m( Her son is older than mine). Who does that? Why does the younger child suffer for her sons lack of composure.
I objected and she said she’s already discussed with my husband.. I stood my grounds and we ended up sleeping on the floor with my son while she slept with her two kids on the bed.
There was also another episode where the other daughter looked me in the face n asked me how I feel that my son is not the first grandchild.(her elder sister has a kid that’s older than my son(she got married before him). I feel this is all shades of wrong and unacceptable.
On each occasion, I bring up the issue with my husband and he claimed it s just an innocent act or I misread their intention.
Now with this two instances out of many, I’d proceed to narrate how they not only omit my son’s name n mine, but claimed it’s an oversight.
Recall my husband is the first son.
My pain is that they were Aware of this supposed error but didn’t bring it to my notice till during
the church service when my son read the booklet and called my attention first (My son is a voracious reader.
I thought it’s an innocent mistake till I looked closely and realized my name n his were the only ones omnitted.
I withdrew completely from them after the incidence and had no contact with them in
whatever capacity at whichever period since it happened. As in I’m done.
Recently, the mum came to visit us. During her visit, she said what happened was unfortunate and I should pls forgive but insists her kids have nothing to do with it and she didn’t raise her kids that way.
She repeated this same response about her daughters behavior of sending my son out, saying her daughter cannot do such.
To say I was shocked and dismayed that this is the best she can do as per damage control is an understatement.
Is she trying to say its printers devil and as such no one is to blame?
Is this a coincidence or just one of many that could happen?
Is she siding her kids despite all evidences ?
Thing is, I feel the apology is a fluke as they are not ready to own up to their actions.
It has caused a considerable strain in the marriage as I see him as weak for allowing such and not doing much to protect us and taking sides with his family.
Pls is there anyone who has experienced this or am I simply being paranoid,cos I questioned my sanity when the mum said her kids are not capable of such.
Pls if you were in my shoes, what would you do.?
Why dont they like you? Anyway please dont put any pressure on your hubby, since you already tagged him a weaklimg,what do you expect him to do? Do you expect him to take sides with you against his family?Forget it!.......If you cant handle them, then stay away from them and dont put your hubby under pressure, he is also probably defending you when they talk.......
Handle the situation smartly
I think its deeper than u think. Your hubby is adopted or possibly an outside child. Therefore they do not want his lineage of kids recognised since they have "in house" biological grand kids whose inheritance they ll like to protect.
ReplyDeleteOr 2, your hubby has a grown up child outside and na only you no know
BV Sylvia
👍👍👍
DeleteWhat is your husband stand on this?
DeleteI think u lost yourself in the bid to please them and you were trampled on as the result!
Face your life and your son, this is 2024 choose ye peace of mind!
My dear poster, you're not alone.
DeleteI bet my experience with my sister inlaws is definitely more horrible than yours.
My husband has two elder sisters that described me as 'tiny'. They expected me to stay 'tiny' in all ramifications, but I dare to do otherwise.
My offence was being better than they could ever imagined. They were used to Lording over my husband, and can't imagine even a younger girl coming up.
The eldest never ever congratulates me for any feat. I got a govt job, not even a congratulation from her. The only thing she could say to me after some time was that I am a "hustler ".
We stay in the same city. I birthed my kids without any visits from her. She waited for over a month for one, while she never bothered for the other.
They said that I'm a stranger, while they are family.
They also omitted my name from the burial brochure of my parent in-law and said it was a mistake.
My dear, I had mental breakdowns.
My husband won't see a fault, would give excuses, or would apologise when it's crystal clear.
They use their words to make me feal less, but the more they try, the more my God enlarged my coast.
I almost left my marriage. It was so stressful and uninteresting. My husband and I began to move far apart. Sometimes love is not enough.
A lot happened, but to cut the long story, I left the country with my family.
It was even another level of wahala. Why did I take their brother out of the country without informing them first.
I made up my mind to not entertain anymore mental torture and choose to stay on my one.
I told my husband that he could join them if he wants but he should let me face my world her.
Now, they are far from me, our marriage in more beautiful than ever, we are enjoying watching our wonderful kids grow, we have fantastic experiences here with great careers to keep us busy.
Bottomline, choose to love yourself, and see yourself in your own eyes and not through their lenses.
Improve yourself, grow and enjoy life.
They'll surely come to you.
E hugs, I can only imagine the trauma.may God heal you.
DeletePoster, this is coming from someone who has experienced something similar.
ReplyDeletePlease emotionally detach yourself from those nasty in-laws. Stop trying for you and your Kids to be ‘included’, face your face and family.
Don’t complain about your in-laws to your husband going foward. Keep yourself happy and busy. When them see say you no get their time, them go find another victim.
This was the exact way I responded to my in-laws, now na for internet them de see me, if very important, they can reach me via my husband.
👍👍👍
DeleteHmmm. Poster I don't know what to say to you than for you to have patients and take them the way they are. Just no know humans are created differently, you can't change who they are. Just accept your faith and love yourself and son. Self love kowai
ReplyDelete@Poster, From your narrative, it's obvious you don't like your in-laws, and they are also giving it back to you in any way they can. You sound like a troublesome fellow. Please change your attitude.
ReplyDeleteNawahooooo
Delete😂😂😂
DeleteAre you for real?
DeleteMadam you never forget this thing?
ReplyDeleteFree this people ànd concentrate on the well-being of your child. Omission of name from burial booklet is not an omen of any sort. Let it go.
Is kind of painful shaaa
DeleteBut Poster That Booklet no dey give money ooo
Dey your dey jaweee
And double your hustle..
Respect dey Dey ..
Madam if Dem no send you
DeleteNo send them, mind your business
Blackberry, if na you, you go happy? This particular incident affected Poster psychologically...coming from her husband family. That's what made her rethink other similar incidences. Well, people are wired differently, you can't do somehow to someone and still dictate how they should react. Her husband's family don't seem nice or well mannered. Poster, just emotionally detach from them & love your husband & children, period.
DeleteMadam calm down what do you expect your husband to do to clear war of fight why didn't people always know that peace is a great price if they don't like you stay away from them,and don't put pressure on your husband and this competition of who is first grandchild is really petty .Even twins don't have the same destiny just pray that the future be better for your children.
ReplyDeleteExactly
DeleteThere is no point to prove, leave them and their booklet for who done die
His family do not like you. Just stay on your lane, avoid contact/communicating with them.
ReplyDeletePoster I understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteBut look away and begin to care more about yourself and son.
Pretend they don't exist.
Your husband is weak that is true, many men are and can't truly stand up for their family.
And with the instances you gave there is nothing that can be done other than him warning them never to repeat such.
Just move on from this if you love your home and your man.
Ignore.
Most important thing you need is ithat this man takes care of you and your son in other ways like he is a responsible dad and husband.
Don't let this cause separation. You already know the truth, but pretend.
And stand up to your man if he insist on always bring you and his family together with their nasty behavior.
Let him understand you don't want to find fault and so prefer to be on your lane
In this life, just get money cos money go cancel insult.I don’t know what your husband is doing about this o but most of the error is in his hands.Hes the first son abi and most of the decisions made in the family probably goes through him so he is the one you should direct your grievances towards.Its either he has lost his respect in his family or there’s something else.
ReplyDeleteFirst son be dictator?
DeleteIn a group of adult children?
Even if he has all money, would all siblings salaam before him?
He sees their behaviour for what it is. Even if his hands are tied for whatever reason, he is cannot kpuff them.
If your husbands family doesn’t respect you and your son,look to your husband.Its different if they don’t like you o and that can happen but if they disrespect you openly like you’ve narrated,the issue is from your husband.They either don’t have any respect for him or his money is short.God will help first sons to be first sons.Im a first son too and I know how family treat them in certain situations.
ReplyDeleteExactly! It's unfortunate that poster's husband doesn't realize that this disrespect to his family is disrespect to him... If he did, perhaps he would have stood up to them
DeleteIt appears that he does but he may be gaining more from not standing up for his family than if he does.Only a simp of a man stands and watches as his family disrespects his wife.If my wife’s family disrespects her,I can’t do much but if my family disrespects my wife and child,they won’t even do it.
DeletePoster, we sent the most money (they denied it but we’re the treasurers, we can’t confirm their own contributions) yet even my husband’s name (the first son of his father) was omitted from his father’s burial booklet. They put mine and those of my children but omitted their own brother and first son’s name. Leave toxic families to be toxic, don’t blame your husband. He cannot force terrible folks to change.
DeleteStop competing on who is the oldest child or grandchild, you have different family units & the females have children with different last names now! Pray for you, your husband and children to succeed, be in good health and live long. They exposed themselves to my husband more than any complaint of maltreatment I could ever make by omitting his name from the booklet. He was hurt. After collecting our $. They also pocketed all the envelopes and recovered their expenditures instead of everyone to be open!
Booklets that people trashed after the ceremony showed their dark hearts & hatred of their own brother. My own MIL was nice but devastated at her husband’s loss, had no say, so the wickedness was by my SILs, selfish beings who have not spent N10,000 on me and my children in decades of marriage but always expect me, a wife to be contributing money towards their things until I put my feet down! Face your life and leave them! Don’t fight your husband, they may not even love their own brother, like Joseph in the Bible. Pray and be of pure heart towards them and watch God fight for you.
You must not be friends with your in laws. Mutual respect is all that is needed.
ReplyDeleteDon't make your husband chose please. If your husband is responsible at home, give him space with the issue. He might be fighting for you behind and wouldn't want you to have animosity with his siblings.
Relax and enjoy your marriage. Don't grant them their wish to see you leave.
Exactly!
Delete... Jesus is my worth!
Exactly!
Delete... Jesus is my worth!
Omitting u or ur son may be an oversight but omitting both of you together is definitely intentional. Definitely! Says a lot.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is even the first son so naturally, his family would have been looked into first, I really don’t see how they could have omitted you mistakenly. You have taken the right step of distancing yourself from them, let it remain that way.
His mother is around, you owe her respect and cordiality. As for ur husband, if he’s not doing anything to make them fix the wrong they’ve done u, leave him be but be on ur guard. God forbid, God forbid, if anything were to happen to ur husband, u can already guess what would happen to you and ur kid so start doing everything possible now to protect u and ur kid.
Poster you are on your own in that family
DeleteI have realized that you don't have to offend some people before they start hating you. They just hate you for no justifiable reason.
ReplyDeleteKeep them at arm's length and double your hustle. Your success will humble them.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
DeleteTruth is, most inlaws stick together, when you fight and report, a good percentage would side their son even if not in ur presence they would do it behind closed doors.
ReplyDeleteAs for ur husband, i will not side with him, there are some battles within his family that are not urs fight, they are strictly for him. It is what he allows that is going on, he has shown them that they can get away with anything they do to u.
My advice: cut them off, u guys sound poor, because, the only reason why they treat the family of the first child like this is because you guys might not be doing well. Face ur family, build and respect urself. It is not every family function that comes up that u wud attend, sometimes create excuses even if it is a burial, since u know where u stand with them. If he has to go, let him go alone, with the kids may be, but make an excuse not to go. With time they would know that u are no longer interested in being friends with them. Let everybody stay where they are, no one ever died from creating boundaries.
God bless you so so much. This is so me right now.
DeleteTwo minds thinking alike
The sweetest revenge is success,madam leave your in-laws alone they are not your God,channel your energy towards building yourself and your son to enviable heights in life.Money stop nonsense,make your own money,go for family events and sleep in 5 star hotels and see whether your sister in-law will talk to u amyhow.
ReplyDeleteI concur 👌👌👌👌👌
DeleteI swear
DeleteNo be who Dem see them go disrespect, poster make yourself and your son scarce
DeletePlease focus your energy on positivity. You take notes of all things.
ReplyDeleteForget about them and make money Ma'am..
ReplyDeleteIf they don't respect you as a person;they would definitely respect the money you have made..
Being on this issue for years now won't solve anything positive for you;put in good vibes for your health sake,focus on yourself and your child;everybody loves a success..
Omitting your child name can be intentional;but you both? They see you as nothing..
Change that narrative;when money dey na them go dey ask you if they should add your maiden name to the next brochure..
@MARTINS
Welcome back
DeleteLol @ adding maiden name to next brochure 😀😀😃
DeleteMadam just create boundary and have a peaceful life. Stop reporting them to your hubby so that he doesnt see you as trying to separate his siblings from him. Be productive and see them respect you from afar. All the best
ReplyDeleteMadam,
ReplyDeleteFirst, Try and begin to respect your husband; settle the real issue (if any) in your matrimonial home, and let your husband handle his family as he knows best so long as your child and you (lives) are not endangered. Take it or leave it! Once a wife does not respect her husband (your husband may have sensed you don't respect him), he would most likely never ever join issues with his family because of her. It does not matter what caused the disrespect.
Second, accept any move for peace made by your mother-in-law and max it positively without letting down your guard. On this parts, it is believed the older folks do not apologise. They believe they would lose their patina of authority and the awe for them if they apologise. So they do it in circles without accepting liability as she has done. You are expected to understand, accept, or reject. But for her heart, she don apologise.
Sometimes, deflection is the best way to fight.
Almost every woman wants the husband that gives his family faya for faya for her. But that may not be the best way especially for people who have not been trained to fight all round as we folks do here. Know that intra-family fights are very deadly. The Bible recognises so when it says a person's worse enemies are sometimes members of the household.
Some men are will not fight family unless it involves the ultimate.
Some men know the weaknesses (sili ways) of their families, and want their wives to treat it so too instead of using the hammer on an irritant fly.
Some men know their families do not like their wives, and see it as inconsequential so long as they love the woman and their children.
If the only real serious issue you have with your family is his family conducts as highlighted here, Madam, you do not have a problem worth the stress you have put yourself. Pardon me. No attempt to trivialise is being made. Hindsight from solving similar in-laws problems with the gra gra you want your husband to put in this matter tells that husband and wife lose more than they gain unless higher powers are involved.
If there is another issue between you and your husband, you both should find a way to solve it. Then you would not need him to fight his family to prove his love and respect for you because you would be sure of it.
Mr. Mann
*If the only real serious issue you have with your HUSBAND
DeleteIn-laws are one of the major break-ups in marriages.you need to apply wisdom while dealing with them.
ReplyDeleteYou can not force them to like you.take good care of your hubby and give him peace.do not nag him and make him feel his family's opinion about you was right.develop thick skin over their attitude.they may change with time.
My dear, I tell you it is hard to forget all these ill treatment, especially rejections from family, to silence this type of behavior the only thing you can do is to be courageous and bold don't let intimidation limit you, speak to one or more family members about it by so doing your worth will be felt well.
ReplyDeleteGood evening all. I've been an ardent visitor so to speak on SDK but never commented but just have to comment on the poster's write-up because I've experienced almo similar thing when I was married to my ex. We were both from different tribe and state. The climax of the hatred was when my late father-in-law then died who was the only one that loved in that family. When he was laid in state, they asked all the children, sons and daughters in-laws to go round the corpse to pay their last respect. As I was about entering the sitting room one of the sons(2nd) stood by the gate and asked me to go out to come in with my parents because I hadn't given birth and my ex was the first son/child. I cried like a baby. I will never forget that day. I went through a lot of emotional torture from tbat family. So I can understand what you went through. Be strong and shine your eyes, which I failed to do because I was bothered about what people will say. Haven been called 'MRS' and will come out pretending that all was well. It's well with you poster and I pray that help you.
ReplyDeleteI think I advised you back then to never bring up the issue with anyone. You are probably one of those persons who everyone must know exactly how you feel at all times, this may unburden you but your enemies always know which button to push to trigger you. You are better off learning to be indifferent to things. Learn the art of indifference it leads to peace.
ReplyDeleteWe have discussed many times in chronicles that very rarely are spouses, especially the wives accepted wholeheartedly and treated as though they are flesh and blood family after marriage. They have shown you what they are about. Cleave to your own family, because you had one prior to marriage. Respect your husband and do not pressure him to fix the impossible and cause strain in your home. You also do not have to attend everything happening their side, and if you must go setup things in a way that you go and return same day or stay in a hotel. There is no rule book that says you must sleep in a family member’s home, it is fine to stay at a hotel. It is fine to be independent at all times.
Do not carry this burden on your soul into 2024. Please set them and yourself free. They are not greater or more valuable than the family you were born into. It is as if you put them on a pedestal and now you don’t know what to do with yourself. Stop it! Have some self-respect and nurture your home and not cause division in your home because of these ppl.
This is quite disrespectful to be honest. I wonder why your husband is taking it lighlty. Anyway, they have made you their stance towards you. Avoid them at all cost except it's necessary
ReplyDeleteCowardly men shouldn't get married, a woman cannot come and be fighting your battles for you
ReplyDeleteI pray say make first son wife mentality no drive you comot for your husband's house. Try to dey take chill water with your in-laws.
ReplyDeleteI doubt if you have the mental capacity to comprehend the crux of the matter at hand.
Delete