Hmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED
I have been given options to:
1. Freeze my eggs. Quite pricy and painful I have heard but I have a $30k budget for it. But I also want to get pregnant now instead because of age and not wanting to have kids closer to 40 than now so does it not defeat the purpose?
2. Sperm donor: Can't imagine having sperm of a stranger inside me and constantly imagining what he is like and what my baby will be like.
3. Random guy: I was thinking of joining a dating site and maybe having unprotected s#x but I am also worrying about STIs and family medical history as per psychiatric and other kind of issues. Plus it's not fair to the guy. I mean, what if they don't want to have kids.
So, is there anyone who has been in my shoes and how did they handle it? Has anyone tried any of these and how did it go?
I am so so unhappy and this will give me so much joy. I know it will complete me and I won't be receptive to having a man anymore. I just want to progress in my career and give my baby the best of everything.
I will be in the comment section. Please I don't want advice on how to get or keep a man. That ship has sailed abeg. I no dey do again.
Thanks!!!
Hello Stella and BV,
I will just go straight to the point and try to be brief. I am turning 35 in a month and have a "good" life.
I will just go straight to the point and try to be brief. I am turning 35 in a month and have a "good" life.
I have a successful career and I know it will only get better.
I am a happy and kind person and people say I am beautiful but I don't see or care much for that because looks don't mean much to me.
Everything is great but only one thing has eluded me and that is fulfilment that comes with loving and being loved. I have had very wonderful relationships but they always ended with the guys ending them and I almost dying from the pain, eventually moving on and them begging me to take them back but I just couldn't ever.
It's been worse in the last 5 years. I have dated 3 guys in the last 5 years but haven't even been able to keep them for 2 months because 2 of them were in situationships and one was just flat out toxic so I ran for my life.
The last one ended 2 months ago and I am just managing to come out of the struggle and pain. I love deeply and for every time any relationship ended, it was just the worst times because it affected my health mentally and physically, job, finances because I go on retail therapy; just name it.
Right now, I have come to the conclusion I might have missed my own or whatever but I am tired and don't ever want to get into a relationship again.
To my main question, I want to have babies even if just one. But don't know how to go about it. Having a bf right now is totally out of it because I don't want man matter to kill me for my wonderful family. I was pregnant earlier this year(accidental) but had a miscarriage.
To my main question, I want to have babies even if just one. But don't know how to go about it. Having a bf right now is totally out of it because I don't want man matter to kill me for my wonderful family. I was pregnant earlier this year(accidental) but had a miscarriage.
It was a very stressful one and I hated how I feel but I will do it all over again. The joy and completeness I felt in those 2 months was immeasurable.
I have been given options to:
1. Freeze my eggs. Quite pricy and painful I have heard but I have a $30k budget for it. But I also want to get pregnant now instead because of age and not wanting to have kids closer to 40 than now so does it not defeat the purpose?
2. Sperm donor: Can't imagine having sperm of a stranger inside me and constantly imagining what he is like and what my baby will be like.
3. Random guy: I was thinking of joining a dating site and maybe having unprotected s#x but I am also worrying about STIs and family medical history as per psychiatric and other kind of issues. Plus it's not fair to the guy. I mean, what if they don't want to have kids.
So, is there anyone who has been in my shoes and how did they handle it? Has anyone tried any of these and how did it go?
I am so so unhappy and this will give me so much joy. I know it will complete me and I won't be receptive to having a man anymore. I just want to progress in my career and give my baby the best of everything.
I will be in the comment section. Please I don't want advice on how to get or keep a man. That ship has sailed abeg. I no dey do again.
Thanks!!!
Freezing your eggs cost so much? My Dear it is better you go and gbensh now and get pregnant naturally if it is possible and keep all that money in an account for the child.
Getting a donor is not a bad idea, the donors family history and all is documented before they give up their sp#rms.
I dont know how to give advice further and wish you the best.....
Freezing your eggs is not 30k
ReplyDeleteIt’s the full ivf that’s 30k
Start by freezing your eggs that should help you relax a bit and then decide what to do with them
It’s a long process so at least start now
To find a donor, maybe you can ask interested parties to reach out to Stella
She didn't say freezing eggs is 30k. You are forgetting that, there's also egg rent she has to pay yearly. Freezing eggs is not a joke.
DeleteI'm not here to mock anybody or sound insensitive but just wondering how a single mum will explain to her child that he was conceived through a sperm donor...and the child will be wondering "Is my mum too bad that she couldn't get a boyfriend or husband to father her child"?
DeleteOmo technology is messing up creation.
Poster I pray God provide you with the right process.
@Sincere, that thought is in your mind and it portrays your personality. There are many reasons why women opt for that option and a child born through a sperm donor is completed like any other child. So is the mum like any other woman.
DeleteAnd yes, your comment is insensitive.
15:45 plus test and freezing warehouse payment, it’s still not 30k unless you do multiple cycles
DeleteAnon 17:41, you can't speak for the children born through such means, I have met many kids of single parentsand I know how it pains them that they don't either know one of their parent or have access to them. It is a struggle on its own. You don't solve a problem with another bigger problem. She can go ahead and adopt thereby fixing a problem in the child's life than creating one. We want grown men to love us but we can't love kids not born by us.
DeleteLook for a boyfriend or man friend, don't invest your emotions in there, know his health status, and plan towards getting pregnant, don't waste your money in freezing your eggs or go through sperm donor.
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Whatever you want to do is your prerogative. However the part of you need a baby to complete you is not entirely correct. If you start on that premise, you will still search for other things to 'complete' you.
ReplyDeleteThe best option you listed is sperm donor forget the other options.
I wish you all the best
Use your ex as a rebound and get pregnant and then move on. When you have a child the pressure of getting married will reduce within you. Try and have a child you will never regret it.
ReplyDeleteI concure 💯
DeleteAnon 15: 07 a child never replaces a partner, ask single moms, most of them wish to be married, so just be content in life if you can, don't think one thing will reducing your craving for another. Contentment and self control is what gives peace of mind. Do not also try to force somethings to happen, life happens and can make the things you can die for, give you pain. Just stay calm, pray, mingle with people that have empathy and godly , don't give your heart or body until you sure, things will fall in place, it can happen later and still be the best.
DeleteDate for a baby then. Make sure the person is clean. This is not good advice but just end it with the person once u know u are pregnant. But this will definitely backfire if I’m being honest but a man that wants a baby will come for his child whenever he finds out you have a child for him.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, sperm bank seems to be the best option for u. How it affects the child in the future is what no one can say.
Since you wish to conceive and have a baby, gladly take that route. But don't steal sperm. I'm sure you can get a willing donor to avoid questions from your child tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteGet pregnant if you can, not with a stranger sha. If you have a good male friend, you can talk to him about it. If he wants to be in the kid's life, fine.
ReplyDeleteLove deeply, a synonym for clingy/needy. Maybe you should ease up, just incase you decide to date again so they don't feel choked and run. Because this baby daddy ship you wanna enter so, I doubt you'd pull it off without hounding the man to be "present".
ReplyDeleteGbam. Love reading your comment blackberry. Love deeply Aka low self esteem, clingy/needy. Poster work seriously on yourself before you embark on a journey of motherhood because it’s not easy at all raising a child by yourself! Maybe see a therapist about your depressed mood so he or she can prescribe a medication that’ll boost your serotonin and dopamine levels. That way, you no go rely on men to feel good or make yourself happy. Also pray about it and just relaxxxxx jeezz.
DeleteAnon 21;11 I love your comment, she think she fit control life. Calm down pls
DeleteHmmm. Give dating a chance one more time solely with the intension of carrying belle.
ReplyDeleteDon't attach so much emotion. I said date someone so that before it gets to the point of gbenshing you already know about the oersons history and health status , to the point you gbensh and get pregnant.
Thay way you know your focus is to have a child and not the man's behavior towards the relationship.
Or
Get a donor from a reputable hospital where details are highly valued.
If I'm in your shoes and have the kinda money you have this things I typed will definitely be my choices .
Good luck
She shd sha find out his genotype and family history. Make she no bring a sick child.
DeleteWait on God o. He has blessed you but yet see you running up and down. Stop helping God. When it's your time, everything will happen. The right man and family will come to you. Join Stella's single mingles. But wait on God. That's my advise
ReplyDeleteFrom your comments anon 15:21 one can tell you're blessed and the womb that conceived you is blessed. May The creator of the Universe make your path easy for you.
DeleteAll in all what ever you decide to do always have a plan B. All the best to you picking up the advice you think will be useful.
ReplyDeleteIt's not every man that also desires marriage,why not find someone that's on the same page with you,get pregnant and coparent peacefully that way,you know your child's father Incase the child start asking questions when he /she have come of age
ReplyDeleteTake it to the Lord in prayer. God is interested in every aspect of our lives.
ReplyDeleteIf you see this, i will love to have a child too. I'm a guy, just graduated from the university somewhere in the East, currently an L.LB holder, with good and clean family history. My only condition is the child will bear my surname. I won't be needing anything else.
ReplyDeleteI m in. I will come to Naija by year end but you must be cute pls
DeleteLove this. Romantic me thinking you guys may end up being compatible and live happily ever after😊
DeleteDo you plan to pick up the child's bill or you want the child to bear your name while she takes over the child's care and finances 100%
DeleteOf course, i will try my best. I'm family oriented and grounded on the values of family. As long as i have the capacity, i will.
DeleteLoosen up my dear and stop showing you love them fast, atimes pretend as if you don't love them, delay answering their calls shah. Pray that the next will be the one, its all about faith.
ReplyDeleteLove yourself and stop pleasing men.
Mao Akuh
You are not serious at all ,greedy people always think of themselves but in your old age you will value the completeness of human being even with their troubles ,all your work and money won't be useful to you only a stranger who didn't work for it or knows you or even Hussle for it will eventually inherit it so what gain is that to you ?vanity give your life to Jesus you have a void in your soul and only God can feel it period
ReplyDeleteBut didn't poster say no advice on man
DeleteShe does have a void and after the kids she will start looking for a dad for them then later marriage , she will never stop fretting.
Delete17.02, truth of the matter is, she will eventually want a man. Being the type of woman she is. She’s very needy and has codependent behavior. She will end up wanting the man as she no fit stay single. Instead of poster to work on herself and pray to God to fill the void in her heart, she wants to bring a child in the mix on purpose. Very selfish move and selfish lady.
DeleteDon’t give up on finding true love. Stop putting yourself under unnecessary pressure. Ladies still give birth in their forties. Work on your character and draw near to God. God has a plan for you and at his own good time, all your needs will be met. You can’t rush God or control the outcome of your life cos it will boomerang on you. So many ladies are above 35, single, happy and living their best life. Why all these pressures, why let society pressure you. Live your life, live for God and in due time. God’s will will be done in your life. Jeez!!! This is dangerous desperation like did you create yourself or bring yourself to this world that you want to determine how your life should pan out. Watch it cos this might be why your relationships don’t work out cos men see these and don’t want it in their life. Submit to God and humble yourself to your maker.
ReplyDeleteChildren comes from God.pls relax and be positive this time around you will meet a good man, even if the relationship doesn't lead to the altar,God will cause it to produce the seed(offspring) which your heart desires.but pls I urge you to place all your plans at the feet of the Almighty.goodluck dear.
ReplyDeletePlease don't freeze your eggs, don't give up yet, you may find love when you are not even looking but don't freeze your eggs yet. Wishing you the best.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you want to take that route? The journey of being a single mother isn't easy at all.
ReplyDeleteBut as you say you're financially capable, no wahala but what of emotional support of your partner?
Poster I think you should look for a clean guy and befriend and after you might have noticed you are pregnant, tell him about it, if he's willing to wife you, good for him but if he tries anything funny, just ignore him, move on and go have your baby in peace
ReplyDeleteI’m 36 and I promise it’s not that deep. I’m a single mum and I have a bf too.
ReplyDeleteHe is doing well and I’m doing well. If marriage comes great if not we move too
Stella, please can you connect me to this lady? My brother needs a child and we're not sure if he's interested in marriage. He's 40yrs old. Please if poster is willing, we can arrange this. Please 🙏
ReplyDeleteSee option here
DeleteHugs, my dear. Honestly, fulfillment comes from God. Many are married yet unfulfilled. Many have children yet unfulfilled. Spouses die, and sadly, children die too, so they can add to your joy but don't give ultimate fulfillment. Take your fears and desires to God in prayer. Perfect love casts out fear. woman at the well had tried marriage 4 times and even her current crush was not her husband. She was still back at the well...thirsty, searching, seeking. That woman is all of us, we are never fulfilled no matter what we achieve or how blessed we are. Only one thing can truly satisfy the soul of man, which is the living water the woman met at the well. She met him in person - Jesus, the son of God and the fulfillment for our souls. May we drink and thirst no more. Amen
ReplyDeleteAmen dear and thank you
DeleteIf I were in your shoes, I would get a sperm donor from a center where they screen for everything including social and genetic history. I think that is the least complicated option.
ReplyDeleteFor freezing eggs, not all of them will be viable by the time you are ready. you’re getting older, fertility/fecundity will be decreasing. People on here are saying that people give birth in their 40s but that is the exception, not the norm. As you get older, your egg quality decreases, giving rise to more miscarriages and higher chances of pregnancy related illness
Another route you can take is… Freeze some eggs now ASAP, and still use a sperm donor now too. Don’t freeze eggs and wait for your own man to come fertilize. If man comes around, fine! If not, you have what you want.
I think she should be fine with just freezing her eggs. She can always get a sperm donor unless she wants to use someone she’s got some sort of relationship with.
DeleteDear Poster, do you really think what you are desiring will fill the void in your life, erase the sadness you currently feel? If yes, go for it! Sperm donor is still your best bet. Don't worry about the history of the donor, it's usually documented. May you receive guidance to make the right decision. I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteThis life!
I'll be 43 next month, no husband or children or job or business. Yet, I believe the best will still come, I believe in the unconditional love of God for me in Christ Jesus, I believe my best years will still unfold. I'm optimistic that God's plan for my life exceeds what I can Imagined for my life.
I mean, last year, while undergoing a life threatening procedure in a 7-hour operation (fibroids), I was begging God to take my life, I didn't want to continue living the life I was living, instead the surgery was a huge success, without complications and speedy recovery. Then I decided that since God didn't take my life as I begged Him to, then He's not done with me. Now I love myself fiercely, respect myself optimally, gentle with myself and set clear boundaries with the narcissists in my life. I feel no pressure and tolerant none. I seek to know my God daily and just bask in His Love.
My best years will come and I'll be glad I waited.
Amen 🙏🏾
DeletePlease you need to be happy by yourself first before you bring a child into your life. It sounds like you want a child to fulfill this happiness or love you’re lacking but I would advise you to be happy and content on your own because having a child isn’t always butterflies and lovey lovey feelings. Especially as a single mother. Freeze your eggs while you work on yourself.
ReplyDeleteMy advice for you is that if you finally decide to have a baby through a boy/man friend, please do not worry the man later with the issue of the baby. Please remember where you are coming from. He is not the one looking for any baby, you are the one.
ReplyDeletePlease allow the man to live his normal life. Remember the poor man is innocent of all these scheming, If possible, never ever raise the issue with him except he asks or wants the baby too.
I said this because women often forget how issues begin once the situation changes, you may start calling him dead-beat father and other names like that.
Thank you jare
DeleteSince it about a child for you. Get to know a guy, everything you need to know about and enjoy ur moment him so that if your kid wants to meet his father in the future, there will be avenue for it. Don't go with your emotions oooo
ReplyDeleteMy friend did ivf and had twins 2 baby girls.
ReplyDeleteShe is happy. Not married. She is in her 50s
Don't just think about today and yourself. Think about tomorrow and the child you are bringing to this life. Think also about your root/family. If anything happens to you tomorrow Godforbid., Will they be willing to accept the child as their own?.
ReplyDeleteThis pain and void you are feeling now will be nothing compared to what will happen in future when you are old and frail and this child start dragging your life like generator to show him his father.
If you get pregnant and the guy abandon you and the baby. Thank God..
If you marry and the man left you and the child. Good rediance to bad rubbish but to willingly do sperm donor or get pregnant with a random guy whom you cannot trace his root. Nne biko hold your peace.
If you need a child badly, kindly go and adopt a baby girl. Treat her like your biological daughter. If marriage come fine, if it did not come, good but I am.sure you must marry. It's not over till it's over.. God is a master planner. He is preparing the best for you. A child today will grow tomorrow and must ask questions. When you fail to give them the right answer and society start putting them under pressure by bad mouthing them. Nne wahala dey. One of my aunt is in that position today. Her greatest regret is ever sleeping with a random man just to have a baby.
I wish you the best
Nobody dey drag again o . Children these days no even get time. Na them go even use their mouth dey refer their father as sperm donor or birth dad if they want respect am small. Those days are gone o
DeleteMadam, give it sometime. You are still nursing your wounds from your last relationship. That can cloud your judgement. Bringing a child into the world shouldn’t be a decision you make in your current state. You simply want fulfillment, but this ain’t retail therapy, a child is a lifetime responsibility. Time heals all wounds. In the right time, you’ll look back and laugh at your current thought process. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteUnpopular advice: Get pregnant for a married man and relocate to another country. He will not want to drag the baby with you.
ReplyDeleteLol this your permutation no be here
DeleteLol. As crazy as this sounds, this is actually not a bad advice.
DeleteBut not all these old married men ooo. Those ones don't care. They will even want to have more children at their old age. Find one fresh bobo, who will not drag baby with you.
So I was gonna say have you prayed about this and ask God for direction? Then I remembered you might not even be a Christian.
ReplyDeleteSo I will advice you put this thought on hold for like 6 to 1 year (since you just came out of a relationship) so you can think clearly and make right decisions.
With the relationship, just incase you get into another (never say never darling) try not to invest your emotions too much. (Because of your kind of person) try to protect your heart and expect less . Just guard your heart and study the person very well to ensure they are with you for the right reasons and LOVE you
Lastly, why do you want to give up on love when God might not have for you?. Why don't you commit your life to him wholly and this aspect? Asking Him to take absolute control. (Knowing that He (God) does not live in time, cos He is the owner of time and with Him, it's never ever late.
He also does not break hearts, abandon or leave. He will be with you forever.
You feel unfulfilled because you haven't achieved it.
ReplyDeleteOnce you do, you will realise you were complete before. Marriage doesn't complete you.
You 'did not miss your own.' There are over 7 billion people in this universe, God is not so limited that he would only prepare one person for you. That's just part of the unlimited balderdash that Nigerisn men spew just to try to scare women and coerce them to settle with mediocrity.
Use an executive matchmaker. You are obviously choosing men based on redundant partners.
Use an executive matchmaker who will skin off the dregs and other worthless entities and give you options of 1 % who fit what you are looking for.
Elite executive matchmakers are not cheap.
But if you have 30k to freeze eggs, then you'll be able to afford it.
Best of luck.
Do you know one
DeleteFind one decent guy from a good family with good genes at least your child will know her dad and people. no need for sperm donor, they all lie on the applications. But in my opinion you are too much in your head. 35 is not old. You can still meet someone. Reevaluate how you are choosing your guys, thy should help guide you towards choosing a good guy.
ReplyDeleteDear poster,am 35 and also have a great career,all I can say is it's very lonely at the top,as a young lady,I had a rough life,left home at 18 to attend university and never went back,I have seen the good,the bad and the terrible of men,just be happy,do what makes u happy and sleep well at night,the world will adjust.
ReplyDeleteA random guy is better. However, do it with a responsible guy that has sense.
ReplyDeleteOther things about yourselves, will be kept anonymous, so one person doesn't disturb the other in future.
Before the deed, both of you can run tests to ascertain blood group, genotype and any disease.
I can be of help if you so wish ...
Let me tell you something
ReplyDeleteImmediately, you get pregnant randomly that is when you will start seeing prospective suitors you have missed.
Please don't do it.
Give relationship a try this time. Be intentional with someone who wants to be married. Use dating websites, use recommendations, use referrals but don't get pregnant. Do your due diligence.
Don't add baby drama to your headache. Don't do it. Wait and be patient.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
She thinks it easy to be a baby mama. Caring for a child alone is mentally and physically exhausting if you don’t have any type of help.
DeleteIt is very obvious why you are in this situation. There is no room for God in your plans as you seem to have a man-made solution to everything in your life. And even want to have a child at all cost as if it is a commodity or a status to have. Such a mind set ends in misery.
ReplyDeleteGo to God in prayer and make his will your priority. Change.... please change....
Baby girl, just time your unsafe period, look for a cute guy and sleep with. Me where dey inside marriage wan commot. Meanwhile others are praying to go in. Men are only nice during courtship in Nigeria, immediately they marry u, your shege begins. Marriage is not all that my dear. With your money, you can raise a loving family.
ReplyDelete