DIASPORAN HUSBAND AND THE EXCUSES
Hello Stella.
Kindly post my chronicles, I need your red ink as well as advice from your readers.
I've been married for 14yrs and my husband has lived outside of the country for 10yrs. My children live with him as well...
He has been home twice in the 10yrs. We communicate normally,infact he calls me every day to know how I'm faring and sends me upkeep too.
He assures me that he is working on getting me over but I'm very tired on these promises.
I want to move on - Note that I don't have anyone /I have not given anyone chance to be with me But I long for intimacy and a family.
Am I asking for.too much.
What's my fate?
Should I keep hanging on to his promises or move on.
We've got properties together and our kids have a strong bond with both of us....
What if I get myself over there. Won't that look too desperate?
I'm confused. Help me.
Thank you.
* You have only seen your husband 2 times in ten years???So he relocated 4 years after you married him? Your kids must be quite young!
I dont think that your husband wants you over there with him at all.....
How did your kids get to stay with their Father and you their mum cannot go? Naaaah, your husband wants to stay married but does not want you over..
This is my conclusion cos i know some guys who did same thing here in Europe. They have told their women all manner of lies but dont want them over cos of the problems women who are relocated cause for their husbands........
Have a talk with him to know if you should move on or not please...
It's obvious he dosen't want you to come over.
ReplyDeleteYou have to give him an ultimatum or pay him a surprise visit. (,A visit ooo. Don't sell off stuff and go yet)
Atleast when you stay for 3 months, you will know every every.
Let's hope he will pick you from the airport when you arrive.
Don't waste time further. Make this move ASAP
Are you sure the man has not forged a death certificate and relocated his kids then remarried?
DeleteOR
May be he's married already and the wife there advised him to bring whatever that will make him to be travelling to Nigeria to his base. These abroad men can lie shege.
My friend married one guy living in Germany, he will come, stay for few months and go back, 2kids now. Babe has complained and nothing.
Madam poster, call and talk to him that he will see you in that country soon if he doesn't do the needful. Watch his reaction
Mao Akuh
I have seen how many gay men interact with women and marriage. One common practice is to marry and have kids (they want kids) and after that they travel abroad or move to another state far from their wives. If you give them any reason, they’ll divorce you asap or even cook up a reason to divorce you. Travelling abroad is one very easy way they escape living with a woman while remaining “married,” the wife and children will not be suspicious because they don’t see any women around him but daddy has one or two “very close” friends or business partners who he spends a lot of time with, discussing business of course. 😜 This is just one of the possibilities for his refusal to live with you. If there was a woman in the picture, the kids would know and he wouldn’t be able to call you as freely. Your arrangement is perfect for a gay man; married while enjoying his secret desires and not having to endure living with a woman.
DeleteHow is it a surprise visit if she is going to be like picking her from the airport?
DeletePay him a surprise visit keh, is abroad her backyard she can just stroll in?
DeleteShe can take a cab to the house
DeleteWhy are your kids with him and you are here? Abi he has a wife over there? This is not right at all. Please have a heart to heart talk with him.
ReplyDeleteLet me get this straight - he's with your children and you want to move on? Hmmm
ReplyDeleteI would go and surprise him in that European country. Get a visa, most preferably a work visa. Engage the services of a travel agent if you have to. Type his name on google and his address will likely pop up. Then you pay him a surprise visit. If you find that he's married someone else or he wants a divorce, make sure you have custody of those kids.
Address will pop up once she lands there. She won’t see any address in naija. Poster don’t let him know your moves o else he won’t send anymore. And you need that money to process your visa and accommodation once you get there. That’s if you don’t have your own money. So save as much as you can so you’ll know what to do. Very selfish man. He’s having his cake and eating it. Kaii
DeleteIt is well sis marriage and it wahala
ReplyDeleteThis sounds preposterous really. 10 years and you've not seen your spouse more than a couple of times? Is this still a marriage? If your husband doesn't care about your needs for intimacy I damn well can say that he finds a way to make sure his get met.
ReplyDeleteFrom your post, the money to bring you over isn't the issue. You have property available that can be sold. So what's the hold up?
And your kids madam. How have they been faring? It appears you are satisfied with remaining the Nigerian wife. I can tell you for a fact, no Nigerian man can stay faithful for 10 years. Mba!
Give your husband and ultimatum to come to Nigeria and move you over there or better yet, arrange for you to come over ASAP! I feel your husband is taking you forgranted but make i no talk too much.
Your marriage, your rules.
Some Nigerian men and men in general are actually asexual
DeleteHe may not care about it like that
Gbam
DeleteBut does asexual mean lacking in any desire for affection and closeness? If that is the case, then that must be torture for the spouse who desires affection and closeness. So the sex was just endurance for making children 🙆🏾♀️ Sheet. People really putting up with things. This is why I tap into nothing, some of this tapping na 💩you tapping into.
Delete16:34 he talks to her and sends money. That companionship might be enough for him
DeleteAnyway you look at it, the man is selfish.
DeleteA really very selfish man
DeleteMost times, the played is always the last to know. He's having it both ways, married with children but not living with his wife. He has documents to travel or not? 2 times in 10 years is very poor. His bag of excuse must be big and filled up. His answers and reaction will surprise you when you bring on the conversation of being tired of waiting and want to move on. Life is like the shirt of and infant, always short.
ReplyDeleteDefine what you want with him and plan from there. This marriage is not okay and you know it. If you miss step, there will lie your judgement and the wait of these years won't be remembered and talked about.
Madam poster, like Stella said, your husband obviously doesn't want you there. Madam you are in a very serious quandary. You need to find out what is going on asap! But you need to be wise, so he doesn't know or anticipate your moves. Go pay him a visit if you can, except you have someone discreet over there who can quietly investigate for you. You may still talk to him, but my guess is, he'll still keep posting you with excuses. You now have to get up and do something. Plan very well and factor in your kids.
DeleteWhat do you mean what if you get yourself there. Do you have a way to do that? If you do, then what are you waiting for?
ReplyDeleteImmigration wahala is deep so without knowing your circumstances, I can’t be sure he’s playing you. You need to have an experienced attorney take a good look at all that’s happening and give you proper legal advice. I’d hate for you to move on just before the papers come out oh
This man is playing her period. He knows what he’s doing. The person I blame here is poster. She waited too too long plus her kids are not with her! I no fit biko.
Delete15:37 he may not be playing her
DeleteMy friends case took 6 years before her husband could join her. The process is broken and is not for faint of heart
Haba no matter how deep , at least she should be able to have visited several times
DeleteThe man is not pure , many men marry women to breed children not because they even like or send the woman
Dear poster!
ReplyDeleteSince money is not the issue, pay him a surprise visit, just use style to ask the kids for the address, or he is scared you may divorce him if you stay long with him, and behave the way some Nigerian women do when they find out stuff about their spouse.
He's likely married. It's so sad that people toy with human emotions and break people . Why doesn't he just come straight that he is married.
ReplyDeleteBecause men who do this simply don't care, he is a cold user without any consideration for anyone but himself
DeleteHe’s not married if not the kids would quickly tell her. He doesn’t just want her there and I know of a fact.
Delete@01:31
DeleteHe may be married. Women and folklore just deliberately refuse to accept that there are good step mothers - some even better than biological mothers. Then what if the children do not yet comprehend what is really the arrangement of their father, biological mother, and the woman (if any) with their father in the abroad?
Hmm something is fishy.
ReplyDeleteWhy are the kids with him and you are in naija?
Looks like the man has forgotten you.
Hmm start looking for another man o.
Only twice he came home in 10yrs
Abeg Start looking for another man o.
Man just used her to birth his kids. The calls and the money is just compensation so the kids would atleast have someone to call mum and for him to prolly have someone to warm his bed when he returns. Madam start looking out for love o. Make you know lose twice and pls remain in contact with your kids
DeleteIt’s almost like you are penpals and not a married couple. You have both allowed your marriage to deteriorate by distance. Please have a talk with your husband and ask the hard questions. Let him know plainly that the love is diminishing and you need affection and intimacy, this is not the life you signed up for when you said your vows. Tell him telephone calls just cannot sustain a marriage. Let him know either you are living together or you go your separate ways. Give him an ultimatum, like 9 months or something. Remind him that he has only visited twice in ten years and you have no way to come see him. Tell him he has not put any effort into reuniting the family completely. Allow him the ultimatum time to try to resolve the situation.
ReplyDeletePlease record all your conversations and save any text messages related to this.. You do not want a situation where the children blame you in the future for breaking the family apart. So make sure you keep your records.
She has more to lose now if she leaves, start all over ke, with someone else when hubby is still paying bills.
DeleteHow did you both get here?
ReplyDeleteHow did the children get to him?
What was the arrangement.
2x in 10years?.
I bet he stopped coming cuz the kids are with him.
This is so sad
What did he tell you?
I suspect he is married and yet to divorce the woman but how did your kids fit in.
Wow
Wow,I hope your hubby doesn't have another wife over there?10years is a long time for him not to have done something about you both staying in different countries.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is very insincere about you joining him. He has gotten what he wanted from you, Children.
ReplyDeleteYou are just the mother of his kids. He doesn't love you anymore and he is very comfortable without you with them.
What have your kids been telling you about their living condition over there?
This is certainly strange.
What if the dad is with the kids to control communication always? Hmmmm, things are happening ooo. She needs to see things for herself.
DeleteStella, this chronicle is not complete!
ReplyDeletePoster is only tired of the arrangement she has with her husband.
But as usual, in order to garner and muster gumption to do what she has decided to do, she has presented it as a man against wife matter (a common trend of chronicles by women bvs here).
Let Poster come clean fully before the every every advice be given to her.
That's what I suspect too.
DeleteHmmmm...
ReplyDeleteDead on arrival..
ReplyDeleteThat's selfishness on the part of your husband.
Chairman Pinky,
DeleteThe Poster knows wetin dey. She neva talk finish. If only we could hear the man's own side of this story. Maybe you will not call him selfish.
Questions? How and at what ages did her teen children go abroad? Who has been looking after them? Their father alone? What time does a man have to look after teen children and work abroad?
Posters should at least be fair to Bvs they are asking for advice. Female Posters should make effort to narrate complete or balanced chronicles to avoid perpetuating the narrative that the Nigerian male, or the black male, or the male gender is bad and that good men are a rare species.
This Poster should have asked her question direct on cancelling whatever arrangement she has with her husband rather than narrate the story to elicit condemnation on the man.
26: 56 truly she never talk finish. Same thing came to my mind when I finished reading
Delete16:56 you’re funny
DeleteMen take great care of kids
Yes good men are a rare species. Men who send chronicles here too do the same. We still advise them. So advise what you can with what has been presented, instead of perpetuating gender wars all the time. It is tiring.
Delete19:35
DeleteAs a professional advisor (class that as you wish) I meet Poster's type regularly.
Whenever a person seeking advice tells an unbalanced story or privide incomplete facts,it makes it difficult to give them workable advice. It is like sending persons from whom advice is sought on a fool's errand.
If you read comments on this post, you will see more references to the man's character and the type of marriage than on the woman's challenge. That's what she would get by her deliberate action or default.
And yes! Good men are rare to find only by bad women because likes flock together. Even if a good man misses his way to a bad woman, she will repulse him as she thinks he is like her, or he will go away because water always finds its level. That's why it is commonly said here to introspect and change circle of people when a woman complains of having only low quality men as suitors. But it is understandable that old habits die hard and bad character is hard to shed at woman-age.
By the way, have you given your advice to her? Or you chose to gender war as obvious from your response? At least, my first comment sdvised her to provide better details to aid useful advice.
Regards to your husband/wife.
20:54 your type finds it hard to accept truth. Continue with your gender wars you are trying to ascribe to me. It sha won't land you anywhere meaningful. Writing epistle to prove nothing.
DeletePoster go and visit him over there and see things for yourself. 10 years is long time.
ReplyDeleteHer mind no go gree her na because she know the kain agreement wey she n her husband get.
Delete10yrs. You are a very strong woman. This is not only about your husband, it's about your children too. That means you have not seen your young children in years. I will advice you collect money from him and work your way towards visiting his country of residence without him knowing that is what you want to use the money for. Travelling abroad is not so difficult if you have money. You can enroll in a school or go for tourism. You need to go and see things for yourself and see your children too.
ReplyDeleteThis story is not complete and I hail anyone giving her advice based on this shallow narrative.
DeletePoster you mean you have seen your husband only twice in 10years???? Oh God of mercy!!
ReplyDeletemadam, you are married to yourself. you better move on with your life or find a way to visit him over there. If this man wants you to be with him, by now you should have at least visited that place for once or more.
ReplyDeleteI don't get it, how did he have the kids and not you... I am pissed on your behalf and it not like you even visit when you like.
ReplyDeleteThis story is not complete because I don't understand why your young children will be far away from you .
ReplyDeleteFind a way to travel down there and find out what is actually going on.
Something is not right.
Poster you really need to have that conversation with him.As humans, we all need companion that was why God created a woman to live with a man not only for child bearing but also for companionship to help our mental state.pls have the talk with him.goodluck.
ReplyDeleteSo you can't just go there for at least one month vacation pending when your final relocation process will be finalized? How possible is that?
ReplyDeleteIf it’s the us, they won’t give visitors visa once you have a spousal immigration request in the system
DeleteThis may not be as straightforward as it sounds. There's more to this. For someone to be able to move their kids there, he has some type of stay but still it depends on what basis that he was granted leave. See, many people use different methods to get their stay in this diaspora and if what he used is one that excludes you, my dear, just forget it. If you are not quarrelling with him, then ask him why he can't bring you over. Just be reasonable. Some people are married there. I am not sure though but from what you said, he may not be married. I just used the example to illustrate how a type of stay can exclude someone. If he's married, he can't bring you. If he claimed gay and is his status is linked with his sexuality, then he can't bring you. I don't know why couples can't have these type of conversations. I really wish also people can actually have a follow up chronicle to provide answers to questions raised in comments because it would provide perspective for more robust advice. Because what I don't understand is if you get pregnant, have a baby, he comes home, gets a passport and applies for the child and once granted, he comes and take the child? Him alone? Is it after the child don suck breast finish, like one at a time or he took them at same time? I can't wrap my head around this. For a truth, did he tell you this at the beginning? Did you consent to this arrangement from the start or what? That man maybe married there and the wife no fit born. How old are your children? Can they give report? Do they talk to you? Does he have citizenship in that country or he just get one kind stay? How long he don get legit paper? The thing dey confuse me sha but I will still advice you below...
ReplyDeleteI read where someone said gather money and get a visa. Do you know how hard it is to get a visa. I mean do you know how difficult it is? There are people with millions and ready but they can't. To travel is hard. People go through agents and that's why they get scammed because it's hard. A visit visa to Canada or Germany or any G8 first world country? With which profile? My dear, let's be realistic.
I know a man who was married in Europe. His family here. More than 3 children. I don't want to give full details but his profile in Europe no go let am because that's how he got his paper. Come home, give his wife belle, go back. But not this type that's once in 5 years. His own was more frequent. He knows there's no way he will introduce a wife that will not mess him up. The good thing is he had got their kpali which opens doors. He applied for a relocation visa to another country and moved his family there. So all of them are in a new place but they are all new.
Back in the day when business centre was a thing, his wife will come out and be calling on phone and crying. After she calls him, she will call her mom. Then call his mom. Call everyone. We dey see her for that umbrella, those days of gsm business centre. (GenZ will not know that type). In the end, he explained to her and she knew there was an end game in sight and she is with her husband now. All of them went to a new country, fresh start.
If you say the country, some people here may tell you one or two. With that, you engage him and will know if he has plans for you. If he does, you will know what to do from there.
From things you said like you have properties together, like your name is on these properties and your kids are a bond. This man isn't bad to you in totality. Men who do what this sounds like doesn't behave like this. Except he plan to dey post you until he returns permanently (I have seen this one too). If not, Something hold him. He never tell you everything. Or you never tell us everything.
Redacted Identity.
Couples really need to be able to communicate. It saves many things.
DeleteFor those of you saying he might be married, if he is, are the children blind, deaf and dumb that they would not tell their mother? How easy is it for a married man to call his wife everyday without either wife noticing that something is going on, make una think am na. he is most likely GAY!
ReplyDeleteHmmm you could be right ooo. And if he is, then poster is free to leave. But she also has to have joint custody of the children.
DeleteLol a man that can cheat on a wife in the same house can’t cheat because kids are ther? Abeg sister say something else
DeleteAnon 23:56, we are talking about the man being MARRIED, not mere cheating. If he is married, his wife will be in the house full time, how possible is it for the kids not to know their father is MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMAN?
Delete@12:07
DeleteWhat if all parties know that the man has two wives. And the children know their mother and also know that they have a step mother who is taking good care of them?
12:07 but she May not be there just cause they’re married
DeleteAfter all he’s married to Nigerian lady and she’s not there
How did your kids go there without you? I don't even understand what's going on here
ReplyDeleteHmmm
ReplyDeleteThis is not good at all
Lizzy baby
How were your kids able to join him and you were not? Even if he claimed to be gay how was he able to get the kids over? We really need you answer to this question. This your story no complete.
ReplyDeleteKids are generally automatically citizens
DeleteIts spouse that has trouble
There is more to this chronicle
ReplyDeleteIf he is married over there then her kids should be able to let her know that their dad has another wife abroad. She stated it here that she communicates with them daily. Infact the info provided here is incomplete
ReplyDelete(In as much as some don't want to believe this) Not every woman is bothered about their husband is married to someone else in the abroad. As long as it gives them opportunity for financial increase and their children have the chance of leaving naija. Poster appears to be worried that she's separated from her children, hubby no come dey (probably disillusioned with the way naija dey now). She has kept herself for 10 years with good financial rewards. Na how to legally reunite remain. Just be strategic, it will happen.
DeletePrecix
Thank you, Precix @01:27. Poster knows wetin dey.
DeleteThe kids should be your hope and comfort and they are not living with you, no be juju be that, i disagree with stella that is bcos of the problem the women are giving men abroad, i just pity the kids, your husband cant give them good upbringing.
ReplyDeleteYou are back up plan to take care of him when he is old. Bro is living his life
ReplyDeleteWow your family left you here all by yourself...... Really don't know what to advice, you've waited a long time just keep the hopes high.
ReplyDelete1. One will need a letter from the absent spouse in order to relocate the children to developed countries, so there must have been an understanding between you and him for this to have happened.
ReplyDelete2. It seems your relationship is cordial judging from the daily calls and property in both your names.
3. Obviously, you are tired and want advice on how to change your agreement with him, probably he has also sensed it hence the frequent call (might be a sign of love wanting you to be patient so he doesn't lose you, or could be desperation so you don't destroy his set up over there)
4. Surprise visit may not be the best (wetin you dey find you go definitely see am😄). If you decide to go unannounced kindly have a plan B should things not work out.
5. Middle ground (if you like business)- persuade him to allow you do international trade, you buy goods from foreign countries to sell in naija. With time let him meet you in the country of your choice (Dubai, London) during your visit. This will help your travel history such that it will be easier to relocate when the time comes, also it means you can be a bit more financially stable which is a win win. If on the other hand you prefer, then tell him to finance your studies abroad while you are waiting for perfection of his plan, that way you are busy developing.
You have waited a decade, don't use haste to scatter what you didn't complain about all these years.
Precix
Poster there is a lot of wisdom here. Please follow this
DeleteEnyaa the man used you to birth his kids at little to no cost on him. He knows if you come over there and it doesn’t go well with your relationship you can always divorce him and put him on child support. The man played you big time
ReplyDeleteChild support is not much and isn’t him doing all that if he’s caring for her anyway
DeleteWetin be this exactly?
ReplyDeleteSome of you just want to be tag as married and dont really care how marriage treats u.
How could u av seen your husband two times in ten years? How abeg?
How.
Marriage is not a life sentence o.
This is why I hate the idea of marriage. Filled with nonsense and you'll be asked to endure shit by the society.
Poster are u a fool?
Don't u desire enjoying the good things of life?
How do u all let someone waste the good part of your life?
How many life do we av, or how long do we av on earth that you'll let someone waste it for u?
Ten year's fa.
I'm tired I don't want to type again.
But just know that u are cheating on urself