Hmmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
DRAWING THE BALANCE
Please i am asking for my own good. Please how do you draw the balance. I am team independent woman, No man has given me money and even past relationship i foot the bills 99.1% that my ex is so comfortable when we go out, its all on me, which i have no problem with.
I do not want to carry my future family alone please.
How do you draw the line please?
How do i unlearn this madness of never allowing any guy spend on me? (reason being that i do not want any insult or disrespect. in school then "Unilag" i saw how girls were treated without regard because of peanuts so i swore never to let any man treat me anyhow).
This has made me a No-nonsense lady. i buy myself whatever i want and if i can't afford it; i stay on my lane. I have never registered the thought of collecting a dime from the opposite Gender. My biggest fear is unintentionally making my husband tomorrow lazy to hustle.
How does one draw the line from the beginning please?
Help a sister!!!
There is nothing wrong with having this behaviour of wanting to pay for everything and do everything by yourself financially..... Just marry a man who knows the importance of taking care of his family financially...It is a thing of choice, some women marry broke ass men and set them up and teach them how to care.....Some men dont know how to treat women and it has nothing to do with money, you can meet a man who has no money to give you but adores you from the crown of your head to your feet....
I hope that i made sense?
Go and ask Kiekie the skit maker how she does it, she is in the same WhatsApp group like you
ReplyDelete''....you can meet a man who has no money to give you but adores you from the crown of your head to your feet....''~ Stella
ReplyDeleteThis is so true Stella. I think your red pen said it wella. All you need to understand and pray to have is a good and discipline man that with love and reciprocate your kind deed.
SDK, your red pen made a lot of sense.👍. Poster,Life it's self,no get manual,God will lead you,right 🙏
ReplyDeleteYou are a special woman. Welldone for putting some respect on yourself but this life is actually not balanced. There is no lay down rule on how to behave in marriage. A stingy man will always be a stingy man and a giver will always be a giver. Be intentional about the kind of man you want to marry as the kind of man you marry matters alot. Some men don't have an iota of shame. If you show them you are a boss lady. They will go and do thanksgiving, leave everything to you 💯. What you will hear them say is my wife is capable without minding if the load is too.much on you or not. They will use their own money to do effizy and become father Christmas. If you marry a good and considerate man. Don't worry he will help out not only financially but he will be a good husband to you and the children.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget the place of prayer.
You have to change your mindset if you want to settle down with some category of men, especially in our clime where what a typical man brings to the table is just money. At the time of dating allow him to pick the bill or give you whatever he has, expect it, it's one of the ways people show love, but he should give it with love and respect and not in condescending way.
ReplyDeleteBeing independent doesn't mean you shouldn't allow yourself to be pampered, infact if the guy doesn't offer to give you gifts or pay the bills, there is a likelihood that he's irresponsible. Run!!!
From the onset of a relationship, watch out for how he treat and talk to you and people generally, then add caring and considerate to the equation, if any of these basics are lacking, abort!
Expect to meet the best species of the malefolk and it will manifest, you deserve to be taken care of too.
There’s no point in drawing the line, just make sure you marry a comfortable, kind and responsible man that will know what to do and when to do it.periodt
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to be miss independent when you are not married to a man,but in marriage...it's a different ball game altogether. I am sure you have read more than enough chronicles on that issue on this blog. Women were not created to be the main bread winner in a marriage,at least not for long. It's a man's job to provide for his family while the wife supports .
ReplyDeleteI would suggest you have a serious agreement with whoever you decide to marry on how you will run the family's expenses when married. It could be however you guys want it to be but make sure he is pulling his own weight also. If you earn well,you can cover your own personal expensives while you contribute a percentage of your earning to the upkeep of the home.
Pray to God to send you a man that knows how to carry out his duties and also give you the spirit of discernment to see and recognize this type of man. Also pray for the his grace and humility to respect and appreciate this man and vice versa. Finally let God’s grace prevail upon your home maka ndi evil eyes 😁🙏.
ReplyDeleteSimple thing. Get your potential spouse to agree to open a joint account where each of you will be making a monthly agreed contribution. That account should run the collective need for the house for that month. Both parties must contribute.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, no man truly worth his salt asks a woman for money. Or maybe it is just me, If it becomes absolutely necessary that I have to ask my wife for financial help, I make sure she understands that it is a short term loan and I pay back in the shortest possible time. If a man makes it a habit to demand money from you and doesn't prioritise repayment, please cut him off permanently.
While your sense of independence is to be admired, I'll advise you find the middle ground. Don't come off as proud. Men do like having their women depend on them every once in a while. Learn to ask your man to do and get certain things for you. The full expression of a mans love is his giving.
The highs and lows of life are a guaranteed circle. Temper your independence. Should your fortunes change for the worse and the only person available to you is your partner, you go lock up chop kwakwa abi?
The full expression of a mans love is his giving.
DeleteApt
Start or test with splitting bills for what you both enjoyed. For example, you go on a date, let the man order. He would naturally ask for what he can afford if he is worthy of himself. When the bill comes and the waiter goes away, tell him you will split the bills and act immediately. Some men will be really offended, some will never agree if not discussed before, some will be pleasantly surprised, some will be grateful, some will find ways to let you have that money back by other means. How easy and well you both can manage the after effects of such act will impact on the relationship going on or going out
ReplyDeleteHow you both relate after such event will tell you what kind of man you are dealing with.
And then open your mouth and say what you want. This week, a Bv said she clearly told her then fiance that she wanted to be under his local government direct financing, the man agreed, and has been performing according to. I always wonder why women are afraid of saying what they want or pretend to be not what they are because of a man or marriage. When the man would very well find out the truth even on the wedding night or sooner.
For you to earn enough to fund you, it means you can negotiate your welfare. When more better to use such skills than in negotiating marriage which affects almost all a person becomes after it.
Truth be told, when stripped bare, marriage is a contract wrapped in paper of romance. Likewise, wrap your negotiating with soft romance.
Madam, if you want to employ a Gardener, you would interview the person. Now you want to give you to a person or employ a husband who would have access to you than a Gardener, wouldn't you interview him? Be upfront politely, softly directly.
If you were my sister, I would tell you to say you would offer support. If you need to figurise it, say half of what you have in mind. So that when you do fully, it would be seen as an exemplar support.
I am a male, married, and the financially responsible officer of my household.
Thanks for being an understanding husband, I ve already kept one cold beer for you with peppered turkey . Poster read and understand
DeleteWith this mindset many of these boys/men will take you for granted.
ReplyDeleteStop spending.
Kpatakpate be doing 50:50
How u go dey carry load wey no concern you na?
Those girls they treated badly in your school days,its mainly because they were broke and didn't have self worth.
You are not broke neither do you have self worth issue.
It's either love or desperation and broke-ness that makes people condone useless character in relationships.
Please as you enter a new relationship state it that you both will be sharing g bill and you also expect gifts of any kind from him.
See ehn,I don't even know what and how to advice you lol but I will say something.Unlearn the habit of taking up the bills 100%,make it 50:50,that way the man can also make contributions in the home.Don't start what you can't finish oh...but let me ask you something,don't you think you are also disrespecting these men by taking up the bills?Men love to be in charge of things oh
ReplyDeleteA man that truly love and care for you will not allow you or only you to be the financial pillar of your relationship. Use your tongue to count your teeth.
ReplyDeleteJust get yourself a responsible man, and he would know what to do. You won't have to teach him.
ReplyDeleteI’m an independent woman but my man and my male friends SPEND on me.
ReplyDeleteStop being too forward and let a man be a man fgs!
!!!!
DeleteFORWARD is d keyword.
DeleteThose girls who were treated without regard because of peanuts made the guys believe that without the financial support from the guys they would have nothing to fall back on.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is this:
Always allow the guy to offer a helping hand anytime he wishes to do so for you. Stop those I can do it myself attitude. If he wants to lift something for you, allow him to do it no matter how little the help may be.If he wants to pay for little things like transport fare, allow him to do it. Don't say ; ' I have money with me' If he is not giving you, fine, at least you know within yourself that you won't go hungry even without his financial support. I won't advice you to ask him for money. Just allow him to give you if it pleases him. With that you will be able to know how much regard he has for you. If you wish to continue with the relationship despite the red flags then you can ask him for money once in a while and see his reactions. Someone that truly loves you will give to you no matter how little his financial capability is. Unless the person came to you because of what he/she would gain from you.
Take good care of yourself with your money but never you rub it off in his face that you are financialy capable. Also,he will treat you like trash just as you described only if you make him believe that you can't afford the basics of life without him. My point is; don't over show that you are financialy capable , also, don't act like your life depends on his money
Poster your "independence" is a trauma response not a correct ideology
ReplyDeleteYou cannot receive if you feel unworthy of receiving
Hyper independence is a weakness not a strenght, go online and get help with being feminine again, work on your self confidence and work on why you can't receive help and love properly
Why do you think you are unworthy
I pity you!! Quontinue,when you start paying the kids school fee,then your eye go clear,you think nowadays men are like our fathers? They will leave everything for you until you breakdown.you better work on your self
ReplyDeleteI pray your good deed bring you good responsible man around.
ReplyDeleteMy sister pray oh
ReplyDeleteOur relative made more before marriage and spent reasonably on her, but now refuses to work
Some people lie
You can do whatever makes you happy, just be yourself and don't over do it. Make sure your man plays his own rule while you play your own part. Do not over help a grown up ass man, let him know his boundaries.
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda like you. My mum was an independent woman. I've never asked a man for money to do hair or buy clothes etc. It's not in my nature. But I won't go out with aman and pay the bill. That's ridiculous. Unless it's his birthday and I take him out. Dunno what to advise.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get married, dint pay for anything. Just say you don't have money.
And the man bears it all to death. Then we wonder why the men are not emotional I marriage. Can a slave be emotional to his/her tasking master?
DeleteDon't marry a broke guy.
ReplyDeleteDon't Marry an inconsiderate man.
Don't marry a stingy man.
Don't marry a Selfish man.
Don't marry an arrogant man.
Don't settle for someone out of your comfort zone who can't treat a woman right.
Hi sis. I'm kinda like you, I felt I didn't want any bf to talk to me anyhow or feel entitled to my perineum coz of whatever he's given me. So from uni then, if I was gifted anything, I buy sth worth as much shortly after.
ReplyDeleteBut for the person I eventually married, I let down those guards. He'd give me super expensive things and I'd appreciate very excitedly(to massage his ego). Buy him gifts atimes too. One time I actually said sth like 'I will send you the money back' when he paid for an outing and we had a quarrel, so that mindset pops up occasionally from time to time. Whenever he calls me feminist, I reply that it's not in man-woman context coz I'm a Christian and I have no problem with traditional roles. If he calls me big girl, me sef I whyne him back to collect money from him.
Point is, make sure you tune down that mindset/attitude in a serious relationship, else he'd get used to not giving you anything. In fact, deliberately ask him atimes.
I once dated someone that I felt wanted to take advantage of my good income (I'm a doctor), so advantage we started dating I joking voiced out to him 'me I'm not miss independent o, incase you are thinking I am' lol
In today's world, no man carries it all except the woman wants to live at the man's standard till he dies.
ReplyDeleteOnly few men can solely give you after marriage, the standard you are now living. A Man must earn at least thrice what you earn to do that. Ask yourself how many men in your suitors' circle earns that much.
Similarly, no woman can finance her marriage alone and still enjoy it.
Balance is the key.
Ignore all talks that it is the duty of a man to provide for his family. That assertion is not Biblical. It is not culturally based. It is not based on reality. It is a relic of colonialism. Colonial officers' wives who could not work in the colonies for several reasons. Women have always worked to provide in a joint effort with men for their families.
Summary, marry a man with whom you share same values of not being a leech or burden. He would not let you suffer. And you would not let him fall from family financing. Instinctively and out of the desire to do each other good, you will work out a financial arrangement that works best for you both.
Every marriage has its own DNA.