MESSY THOUGHTS
Stella I am literally a mess right now with my thoughts...
Okay...let me start from asking this question outrightly? Is it okay to be with a man because of his character even thou he lacks most of your preferences...?
Okay...let me start from asking this question outrightly? Is it okay to be with a man because of his character even thou he lacks most of your preferences...?
I am scared and worried at the same time of regretting getting married to my guy due to the fact that I've always loved music and prayed to be with someone that's somehow affiliated to music either in voice or by instrument(an instrumentalist).
Grew up singing meant and still means alot to me, and I've always wanted and prayed for a man that's tall, i know it sounds vain but I love height so much that I even admire ladies with good height and of course God fearing which is the most important.
I met my man 3 years back and After praying about the whole thing, I agreed to date him and He has been nothing but good to me ! His love for God is what I've always wanted and he is sooo hardworking !
I am also not doing bad financially, I am working and doing my masters at the same time. NOW I don't know how it happened but I am seriously just feeling like I probably would regret marrying him because he isn't someone that loves music, doesn't play any instrument, isn't tall(I know it sounds vain but we are literally same height). This two things matters soo much to me and I've been double minded of late but can't bring my self to end the relationship because he didn't do anything wrong to me.
I feel like a bad person for having these thoughts but I literally can't help it ...
Please those that married a spouse that's more like an opposite to your preferences and what you've always envisioned, even if the character of the person is on point, did you at any point regret your decision......? Does your personal preferences have an effect on the marriage.....?
Please those that married a spouse that's more like an opposite to your preferences and what you've always envisioned, even if the character of the person is on point, did you at any point regret your decision......? Does your personal preferences have an effect on the marriage.....?
What works for one may not work for you!
There are some people who married people they do not like or are attracted to but later fell in love with them... what if you meet a tall man who plays music but beats you up every time you open your mouth? If you have a good man and you are not content, there is something with you or maybe your village people are visitng you right now...
If he is a good man, you will grow to love him..... Even if you marry a man of your dreams, it does not guarantee a happy marriage oh....
3 days fasting with midnight prayers and no idol in your heart
ReplyDeleteAsk the Holy Spirit for directions, the great teacher himself
This is Apt 🤏
DeleteWhich one is no idol in your heart…na wa for Nigerians mannn. Chai.
DeleteYou need harsh breakfast to be able to appreciate good
DeleteYou are not inlove with him
DeleteYou only like him because he's good
If being inlove is a deal breaker for you; breakup!
Life is a mystery
Your spec could turn out good or bad
Even him could turn out good or bad
No guarantee in life.
All the best!
15:58
DeleteNo idol in the heart means no bias in the mind, keeping an open mind to hear the leading of the Holy Spirit, nothing else
If it's about height and not being musical...leave that thing if he checks all your other boxes. A man who loves you intentionally is worth more than silver and gold. You can make him love music and if he never develops the same passion for it as you have...opposite attract anyway. I married a man who I felt wasn't as tall or bouyant financially as I would have wanted but I thank God everyday that I did. He has nothing but good to me in all the 9 years we have been married even with the challenge of TTC. If you are convinced your man is a good man,please go ahead and accept him. Amplify all his good characteristics and soon you won't even notice the negatives. Best of luck.
DeleteYou are seeing a Nigerian man with good character?
DeleteAs in GOOD CHARACTER?
That respects you?
In this 2023?
When heaps of oozing rubbish abounds?
Do you know what women are going through to even find the one who even has basic common sense and good hygeine?
E be like say you no know wetin you see.
You no know mai dia.
Abeg send him to me, I wantu confam something.
You may grow to detest him or grow to love him despite his brief height, and him not playing lead guitar or sing like canary. If that's a gamble ya willing to take, by all means marry him and find out.
ReplyDeleteU have a want but God's knows ur needs.. Most importantly "he is God fearing and a good man"what else do u need?
ReplyDeleteBe mindful of what u ask for..
Na Satan dey worry this person. Your picture dey for juju shrine as we dey talk like this. You better sit down there and appreciate what God has given you. If you know the trash and filth in the dating pool, you'll behave yourself.
DeleteSmall pikin dey worry this poster. You’re probably 23. Wait till you get to the age of ‘man na man’. That time you won’t even care of height
ReplyDeleteYou is wicked
Delete3 years is long enough to be over the tings that held you back
ReplyDeleteYour heart is not there. You are forcing it.
Simple. The problem is not even the music or anything. She's not even into the man. How do people marry who they're not attracted to. Sheesh goodness me 😱
DeleteGbam. It just won’t work out. 3 years is damn too long. By now she must have fallen in love but she’s still doubting. Poster stop wasting your time and let him know how you feel. There are tall men with good characters and they play music and who loves God.🤷🏽♀️ you just gotta wait and continue your search. EmmaOMG jelenke praise is an example and a bunch of others. Stick to your deal breakers. It’s not fair on that man o. Let him go. And be careful how you break up with him especially if he’s really into you. Make he no retaliate. You’ll have to look for a very Good excuse. You shdnt have accepted dating him period.
DeleteHonestly! Poster please break up with him so someone with sense can pick him up. Musician isonu. Height scatter your head there.
DeleteYou know you are not into him and you allowed the relationship to linger for 3good years. You don't have conscience poster
DeleteLike joke o. Satan want to remove something good from this one's hand. Wait o why are the men in this kind of relationship nit seeing it that these women don't love them!!!! Pls go and find your instrument husband and let your man find his true love.
ReplyDeleteHe isn’t tall, not into music is your problem?
ReplyDeleteWhat would you do if you found yourself a man with your preferred height that’s a music buff and is also very disrespectful and violent?
You have peace, better appreciate it. Una wahala too much 🙄
I tire for the poster
DeleteStella red ink is so on point but if your mind is'nt into him please let him go rather than punish him despite him been good. I hope whatever decision you takes favor's you.'
ReplyDeleteBut poster when you knew the kind of man you have always wanted and love why did you agree to date the opposite?? I think you should marry him since you said he is a good man I wouldn't advice you to loose a good man, you will later grow to love him.
ReplyDeletePoster You are not vain if you have physical attributes you desire in a man...To be factual, you have to be first physically and sexually attracted to your man as the saying goes ''Na Eyes dey chop before mouth''...However, if you overly dwell on the physical part of the relationship, you will be filled with disappointment and regrets.
ReplyDeleteEvery life choice you make comes with a degree of compromise, whilst you talked about your man having interests in music, musical instruments e.t.c . What are those things you can compromise that are secondary to the greater good of your relationship.
As for me, I will tell you to choose character and kindness above everything else. In this world where you have men and women treating themselves with so much disdain and wickedness. You should be glad you have found a man with great character.
How about you introduce him to your music interests, you can both learn a musical instrument - you ain't old to learn anything on the earth if you are determined. There may be other interests you both share that you both are yet to explore or may later find out in your marriage. Don't throw away the 80% good attributes you see to chase the 20% that you may find very hard to get.
Above all pray and Ask God for a discerning spirit and words of wisdom in making the right decision. You both have to make it work to enjoy your marriage; not by daydreaming or daydreaming and building castles in the air. Meeting the man who ticks all your boxes does not guarantee a happy and sustainable marriage.
All the best
Only you can decide what is important to you and what you can or cannot live with. On the surface both these things seem trivial but for you it is important for whatever reasons. Perhaps you watched Sound of Music as a child and romanticized having your own musical family. Who am I to tell you that your ideals are wrong and useless.
ReplyDeleteAs woman, sometimes we have to pick who came knocking and not who we desire. If youth is still on your side and you want to take a gamble then break it off and take a chance on finding your dream. At the end of the day everyone deserves a love that is true and complete. I do not think that I would want to be with a man who felt that he was settling, but what he truly desires to have he is yearning for silently while just hanging in there with me because I am second or third choice. Nobody wants to know they are being settled for. So go find your dream and set that man free so that a woman who will make him number 1 in her life can find him.
Poster how old are you? See wetin too much novel don cause. Madam, you are not yet ready for marriage. When you are, even you will know by yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis one is not a chronicle na. Na small pikin post be dis.
You're only using this man to pass time till your spec comes around....three years is enough time to know if you desire to spend the rest of your life with someone.....
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't tick all your boxes,despite being a good guy,please let me go before you both end up in a loveless marriage.
Leave him and let him look for his spec while you also look for yours
ReplyDeleteYou actually can't have it all. Check carefully for values and some other physical attributes you can let go
ReplyDeletePoster pls work on your thoughts,its so powerful that it can be use to bring total ruin to man.
ReplyDeleteGet rid of those thoughts and be grateful you married a man who gives you peace and appreciates who you really are.
Hmm poster I think you are just eing petty.
ReplyDeleteLike Stella said marrying a man of your dreams doesn't make your marriage perfect o.
This man you are with now if he has hood character, treats you well, and loves you, can maintain a family then why don't you give him a chance?
Better don't let these useless thoughts mess up your chance of being with a good man.
Who music and height help? 🤔
I am also team team-tall man but when you saw him and he wasn't your kind of man, why did you stress the poor guy for years? you should have let him go knowing fully well that is not what you want in life. My people will say make friends with a good person because of marriage. what if you took in for him, you will come here crying he is short and not your spec bla bla.
ReplyDeleteIf you do not find happiness in him or are not proud of him, please free the young man. Go look for someone who fits your long list, you cannot have everything in one person. He may be tall and talkative or tall but a woman beater. Since you said he is okay and you do not have issues with him, why don't you look beyond his height or see if he will learn how to play any instrument? Person fit learn signing too.
They keep wasting someone's emotions. That's wickednes
DeleteYou will marry him to complete him, cover his flaws. Opposites attracts
ReplyDeleteIf he's good, you will grow to love him one day
Mao Akuh
DeleteLollll, you people watch too many cartoons.
Marriage does not 'complete' anybody.
You must be complete BEFORE you marry.
Unless you are referring to complete your to do list.
That is why you people's marriages crumble like wafers.
Looking for completion in human beings.
Same way some people like to marry committed church members just like them but after marrying, they found out alot of disgusting traits that the committed church member has that they couldn't manage and in the end they get frustrated in marriage and even turn to hate every other committed church goer that they set their eyes on.
ReplyDeletePoster be wise. The thing you wish for in this post is not a yardstick for measuring a happy and fulfilled marriage. If you meet a good singer and instrumentalist that has good character and also respects you, fine, but if you don't, then manage the one you have. You can still sing in church with other choristers. Your husband doesn't have those gifts but he will be proud of you because of those gifts that you have that he doesn't have.
Well, experience is the best teacher. When you try and fail you will learn your lessons
And mind you, you may not notice their bad traits during your choir activities.Their true character will surface when you get serious in relationship
ReplyDeletePoster, I think character is better than the height you admire so much. Except you don't really love him but if you are really in love, you won't even see him as being short, his character will cover that aspect. You can as well tell him you will appreciate if he learns how to play a musical instrument.
ReplyDeleteI am team tall man but when I saw my now husband, he wasn't but other attributes ticks for me and I didn't regret it. Just make sure you have considered it well before accepting him or Leaving him, most of theses our attributes won't matter in the marriage. No vex o
ReplyDeleteGOD please help me to enjoy and not endure marriage
ReplyDeleteIn Jesus Christ Name Amen
ReplyDeleteIn Jesus Christ Name Amen
ReplyDeleteMy dear poster, this is exactly what i am experiencing in my marriage of 11 years. My wife of two beautiful children is not romantic, social, does not take correction, sex life not fantastic, a bit lazy and untidy but she is a prayer warrior. Sincerely, i regretted i walked her down the aisle cos we are not compatible. Right now i am thinking otherwise as i dont see myself spending the rest of my life with her. OTI SU MI .
ReplyDeletePoster come and read comment o. If you want to be this way in your marriage then marry him. If not, jejely let him go. You’ll get irritated the more once you marry him self and see him everyday. This is why you’re dating. To see if you’re compatible. 3 years later and you’re still bothered by it. Don’t regret in the long run.
DeleteSometimes couple therapy helps, we may think we're communicating but the other spouse may actually not be hearing what you are saying. You didn't make a wrong choice 11 years ago, you may have fallen out of love. Just like any farmland or house, marriage needs daily/periodic maintenance. Couples sometimes make the mistake of investing so much on the children that there's almost nothing left to give to their spouse. The union is sick, it needs checking with a therapist and things might just work out again.
DeletePrecix
Mschewww. Didn't even bother reading all of the chronicle. Aunty, come back when you have real problems. As for now,na you dey find wahala
ReplyDeleteBut this is a real problem to her. We’re talking about life time commitment. You must not respond to every chronicle you know.
DeleteYour way or God's way?
ReplyDeleteWhat if you are not destined to marry a tall guy?
ReplyDeleteMy younger sister refused all serious suitors that came for her hand just because they were not tall to her preference.
Now she has reached 30yrs,i just dey observe.
Don't let a good man pass you by because of what you have no power over.
I don’t know. I would prefer someone to be at peace as a single than to settle just to fit in. Can you imagine someone waking up to you every morning and their stomach turn because you are what they settled for and not what they truly desired. It is too much of a deception and sometimes love does not grow with time. It is easy to say just pick someone, but that person deserves someone who is crazy about them, we all do.
DeleteSee that BV above in pain because of a lacklustre marriage with a woman who is blah in bed, not hungry for him, not romantic, not fun, and just bland like oatmeal. Who wants to be spoken of like that by their spouse even anonymously. Gosh🙆🏾♀️
Why not help her find a tall man
DeleteYou seem happy that she hasn’t found someone
21:30 Nigerian women no send o. They would marry a trash can if they could, and many of them do just to answer Mrs. And fulfill society conditions.
DeleteDear Poster. Are there any hobbies that you and him share? Is he a fan of your music and encourages you with action not just with words?
ReplyDeleteHeight has never been a prerequisite for a good man or marriage so I’m not really concerned about this
I married a man that I’m a complete opposite of . I love to read, sing, watch foreign movies, dance, analyse football ( I grew up among boys so I love football)
He doesn’t do any of these well at all
And after 17 years of marriage. We are housemates. We don’t even sleep in the same room. So many things have gone under .
I strongly believe that if we shared the same hobbies at some point. It will always be something that draws us close. He only watches Nollywood because according to him. Holywood is to fast for him to understand
So we can’t even go to the movies to watch a foreign movie because he will keep asking me what they are saying and it gets me irritated
Should you leave him because you two don’t share any hobby. It’s really your decision. No one can stop u
But if you beleive in your heart that u can have all u desire. U can actually have it
Beleive and declare it and you shall have what you say
Unoma
It’s well
DeleteThe Lord will restore your love
DeleteHello Poster. I can confidently tell you that you are still young and as a result your experience of life and taste is still dependent on what people say or view. It is good to have preference, however, you have picked things that do not have any major impact on your life. It is therefore unwise of you to plan your next 50 years on the basis of what may not matter in the next 5 years when the reality sets in.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, someone should tell me the height of Dangote, Mark Zuckerberg, Wizkid, Davido, etc. Can you see that it is not the height that is the issue to you, but you don't want to marry a poor short man?
Music is nothing but an addition, if it is just an hobby, he may learn music later in life, he may do something in the line of music. We call some attributes in life or in business, MUST HAVE while we call some NICE TO HAVE. The MUST HAVES are known as Functional Requirements while the NICE TO HAVES are Non-functional Requirements.
Functional requirements in marriage are: Good character, fear of God, trustworthiness, love, patience, endurance, support, vision, etc.
Non-functional requirements are: heights, look, shape, hobbies, etc.
If you marry this man, if God says he is your husband, when others with musical skills and heights are bringing their chronicles here in 2 years' time, you will be here replying to them like this. However, if you throw him away, you will return here to write your chronicle as your new man has been beating you and cheating on you with his music proteges.
I have many ladies around who have thrown away their future husbands. Some are still single as we speak after 8 years of saying some guys are not tall, not fresh, not rich enough. The poor guys of then now command millions.
I have told you my own.
Poster is either two things
ReplyDelete1. One guy for your church choir dey tortori you
2. Send am go music school to learn how to play an instrument
3. Buy him high heeled shoes or make him walk on stilts
Periodt
Hope you realize that musicians don't always sing at home, some don't like listening to their own songs away from the studio/church and they'll only sing at home if their spouse is a music producer/director (to critique their performance). It will be nice if he sings at home daily, however, try to discuss your expectations before marriage so that it doesn't cause rift.
DeleteAs for the height, we ladies help ourselves with high heels, maybe Bros wouldn't mind boots with heels 😄.
Seriously, if those two are non negotiable attributes then let the guy go.
Please don't marry someone out of pity, you will frustrate him in that marriage. I did and I so much hate my husband despite him being a good man. I'm just working on myself, don't know if I have to be like this for the rest of my life. well, a child is involved which made it impossible for me to quit.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried seeing a professional psychologist?
DeleteYou can't get 💯 at all but can get70 or 80 .then go ahead
ReplyDeleteA significant proportion of married people didn't see all they desired in their spouse before they got married. Some wanted to marry rich, tall, gap-toothed popular persons, but as they aged, maturity sets in. Knowing the non negotiable attributes and the negotiable ones is key. You alone must write out your list and decide what is important/can be waived.
ReplyDelete1. Ask yourself 5 years from now after having one child will these matter to me?
2. If I let this man go now will I be at peace with myself even if things don't work out in my subsequent relationship? (Yes some relationship are that abusive that it's better to be single than continue)
3. These differences you are observing that's causing concerns can it be worked on now before going to the alter😄
In my little experience, many men who are focused, busy and hardworking rarely pay attention to clothes neither are they romantic. Some appear arrogant sef.
4. Is he teachable, does he accept suggestions from you, does he want you in his space that he is willing to bend some habits. Some of the romance you are looking for, you may never get it not because he is a bad person, NO, it's simply because it doesn't exist in his dictionary (never grew up with such being displayed around him). Probably that's why he chose you because he recognised that's lacking.
5. Being married doesn't erase your personality, friends and definitely not your preferences. You can enjoy your hobbies while married. I enjoy K-drama, hubby avoids it like a plague. Come and watch so that you can learn to be romantic mbannu. I had to study him, learnt his LOVE LANGUAGE, that's has been helpful.
Precix