FINANCIALLY UNAVAILABLE SPOUSE
Please Married folk of over 2 years please help.
Please Married folk of over 2 years please help.
My husband is not doing okay financially and I have faith and trust this will change in future. However I’ve been trying to address him to ask “what are you doing about it”
I’m not direct i when requesting a meeting so as not to startle him, I just suggest we check in with each other— omo he’s been avoiding this meeting because he knows there’s no way we can check in without ticking the financial box!
Is it a sore spot or is it something to do with me ? So our entire 1 year plus this has been on my mind and hard to address and I don’t know if I should and if so how?.
I’m thinking of dropping it because ahhh I no wan vex na him be the man and it seems he knows what he’s doing if this isn’t coming up even from his side!
Some pointers: we are under 2 years marriage
He’s currently NOT providing for me in any way, I sort every bill of OURS
I’m not giving him any hell I’m just personally frustrated
Please be kind.
Thanks
He’s currently NOT providing for me in any way, I sort every bill of OURS
I’m not giving him any hell I’m just personally frustrated
Please be kind.
Thanks
JESUS!!!!.... Two years of Marriage and you are the one paying the bills with no hope from him? And he is avoiding that talk?
My dear you are the one who has enabled this situation and it may either get worse or get better but in the meantime you need to have that conversation with him ASAP!!!
I bet you sponsored the 95% of your marriage rite.
ReplyDeleteI believe so too. But how can a man be comfortable having a woman pick all the bills in the house for so long? As a woman,I can't be comfortable with a man or anybody else picking up my bills when I'm not incapacitated. Can't he work or do business? Pls,that conversation is long overdue. Not just the conversation but action must follow too. Stop picking up all the bills. At the worst,leave 50%of the bills for him to sort out however he wants to. He is a man and a husband,like to be a father soon if he is not already...he should provide for his home
DeleteWe are in same boat dear poster, I am close to two years in marriage too, mine has hit so many brick walls so he is kind of unmotivated now, he is hard working and has tried a lot of things that are just not coming alive, we don pray tire lol. I have been funding the marriage for sometime hoping and praying.
DeleteI am definitely a team independent woman and I ha e no regrets but you see ehhnnn if God gives me a baby girl, I'll make sure she never pampers a man,I mean she can come in to help when he really needs it but not solely.
We have a child now and everything is just on me and sometimes I cry myself to sleep, e no easy!
Just like some marriages in the North here. The woman will jeje start begging on the street.
DeleteThank God, you are earning, be praying for him.
Mao Akuh
Toh I’m glad you realized that the independent lady thingy is just a scam.
DeleteNigerian women and slavery marriage like bread and butter. Tueh. My friend who’s heavily pregnant was cooking no bread can you believe when I asked her to tell the husband to go get it she refused. Tueh X10 . Can never be me.
ReplyDeleteSome women got married to their personal lord and master don’t blame them
DeleteThere is no ego to respect with an insensitive, lazy or self deceitful. Women stop enabling foolishness, it is not disrespectful to calmly call your husband out on bullshit affecting the family and overburdening you . A man pretending all is well to your disadvantage has no self respect, DOES NOT LIKE YOU ,is deceitful, selfish and wicked.
DeleteNne, are you saying you are waiting for our advice before you can ask your husband his financial plans? abi he is not your husband? sit him down and have the talk in a very calm manner though. Because forever is too long to start like living this.
ReplyDeleteYour name made me remember my old time friend we served together
DeleteHow are you?
Women stop paying your bride price it doesn't get better. You just be setting yourself up for future Providence as your husband would believe you are capable that's all.
ReplyDeleteAny man who needs support to at marry you is not marriage material and is not ready
DeleteHow you start is very important, liability is not the best start
Women don't start what you can't finish. Some of you like the "pick me syndrome" and after you have been picked you now want to withdraw from.your initial activity of providing and being the sole provider. I wonder what you all think? When you feed a man in a relationship be ready to do same in marriage please don't complain
ReplyDeleteThis chronicle is for the Miss independent women. I don't ask my guy for Money babes. Make una continue.
ReplyDeleteSo what do parents send their female children to school for. To learn our to be dependent on husbands or men on any basis
DeleteAnon 18:51 you sound like posters husband. Pls your wife has been meaning to ask about your financial plans 🤔
Delete18:51 can't you see that the men they are doing the miss independent for do not appreciate them. They'd rather spend their money paying house rent, school fees etc for side chicks instead of supporting their independent wives. Check your environment you will attest to this fact bro.
DeleteTell her how to ask me for a meeting. Did she come here to ask before we arranged our gbenshing meetings? I hope you saw she didn't complain about gbenshing?
DeleteBy the way, you didn't also answer my question @18:51
22.44
DeleteNo man who has self respect and is hardworking will sit for a woman to feed him and take over his limited roles
Provide, useless
Protect, useless
Nurture, useless
Care for home, useless
Ah ah no shame?
Have that conversation
ReplyDeleteContinue having it
Keep asking
Stop sorting the bills
Stop enabling him
The major cause of irreconcilable differences in marriage is unresolved issues o
Soooo. A word is enough for the wise
Are you afraid of him? Don’t be ooo
Because that’s a weapon you are fashioning against yourself
It is well
Zendaya
Poster Please you need to have the conversation. I understand you want to be tactical about it without rubbing feathers. But when you guys are in an informal & happy mood over his favourite meal, drink or music, then you can bring up the conversation.
ReplyDeleteI believe you making it formal like it is an office meeting might make the atmosphere a bit tensed.
This is what you should have discussed before tying the knot. Just sit down and discuss like adults; weigh your words carefully and use your feminine power.
Let him know that you are ready to support him, but it is better the burden of the family upkeep is shouldered by both of you and it is dangerous for one person to carry out all the responsibilities.
I pray for a discerning spirit and wisdom as you carry out this action. Please pray as well.
All the best..
Fully well said. Every paragraph here.
DeleteThank you. I knew I’d find kindness and gentleness in all this. May God bless you for this comment and fill your pockets such that they never run dry, May your wisdom be sought after by kings. Amen
DeleteContrary to speculation. I did not pay my own bride price and detest such practice . Life happens at you and it’s what happened to me here.
Thank you from the Poster
Indeed self love is first before loving another person, it's not too late to communicate, take drastic measures please.
ReplyDeleteThe info you provided and the question you have in mind makes me think you’re not detailed in your approach to this matter
ReplyDeleteIf I’m out of a job and you ask me what am I doing about it, I will think you’re just trying to be poke at me and cause trouble cause duh 🙄 lm looking for a job
What you need to know is his qualification and direct jobs that fit in his direction
Send him links. Actively participate and help when your spouse is not finding a path
A lot of me and women are doing the jobs their spouse suggested. If you have contacts, reach out to relevant contacts to see if they know something
If his qualifications are not strong enough then encourage him to get more
If you come in the comment section, tell bvs what he does or his qualified to do cause someone might know something
👍🏿
DeleteGood
DeleteYou will need God's wisdom for this.
ReplyDeleteOMG just 2 years of marriage and you're already shouldering all the responsibilities 😳 Poster your husband is such a lazy ass.
ReplyDeleteIn marriage communication is key, you need to tell him how you feel about the situation and keep encouraging him to try harder. All the best.
This comment is your answer because am in same situation now for 11 years and still no chnage... now he is using religion to cover up and mind you he paid for all the wedding rituals though i supported by paying for our cake.
DeleteTill date i have been shouldering all the expenses and he seems to not care . Am at a point where i have given up on our marriage and we are just live ins.
You are just live-ins and you are still paying the bills? Stop paying the bills now. Feed and clothe yourself and kids, leave other bills. If landlord chase you out, go and rent one or two rooms for yourself and kids
DeleteStop paying his bills
DeleteDownsize your house
Stop clothing, carrying his bills
Stop carrying his bills
Stop encouraging laziness
There is no hiding, you are allowing foolishness to thrive
Men will do the barest minimum if they can get away with it
He is in his princess era,lazy man waiting to be pampered and spoilt
Living soft girl life on the shoulders of his wife, no woman was built to carry man
His physical strenght is wasting, STOP THAT FOOLISHNESS TODAY
He will try to quarrel and emotionally blackmail you to everyone
Ignore that bull shit and lock down
End that nonsense
Before I married my husband I told him I won't provide anything. I will keep the home,make the resources. I am not an independent woman and I am loyal to your government sir.
ReplyDelete18years married he has footed every bill,I've started business after birthing 6children we are good.
My money is not for me alone my money is to take care of him. I buy him gifts,lots of them from gold studs to gold chains and bracelets. He wasn't expecting it,he did solid decade plus for me my children and our extended family. I love him to death. He loves me absolutely.
I don't know where you all got the rhema if providing for your family. I celebrate you all who do,I clapp for you,you are doing what I can't do.
I can give my husband 1m but I can't even being150k for house groceries e go be like say I don die already. Do I buy gifts for my children yes I do but you see feeding money Lai Lai I no fit.
I'm wired differently, thankfully I laid all my cards on the table years ago.
My husband is a solid man God bless him.
He is so used to providing that it would be strange if I attempt
Six children? Wonderful
DeleteMarriage is one by each.
DeleteIn the comments section here, a female Bv has said she can provide for a man on conditions.
There are women who want same kind of provision and swear they need not do anything for it.
There are men and women who want co-dependence at equal or different financial ratios.
There are men who can provide all and more for their families.
There are men who can provide just basics and need support or full complementing support for the family to live good life.
Some women in their conscience will not like for their husbands to do beyond themselves to provide if they (the women) can pitch in co-share. Some women don't care or want to know how their husbands provide for their families.
What works in a marriage to the mutual benefit of a couple and to the benefit of their children is the best.
You are blessed ooo. May God continue to bless your union
Delete15:54 you are just like me. I can buy gifts for you from time to time or give you money if I have when there is an emergency that am very sure of but can't fute bills please.
DeleteYou will really need God's intervention,once you start this kind of thing,to change is very hard.
ReplyDeleteReading this makes really emotional, I am tired drained and exhausted... I am footing my family bill because if I decide to leave for it it's never gonna get done... It's not because he doesn't want to but it's because he doesn't have... I practically do everything in the house, feeding kids fees.. and the marriage is dead but I just can't gather the courage to walk, I don't love him anymore I just fill pity for him and how to start all over again, because I am not appreciated. I am tired please I need help someone please tell me what to do.
ReplyDeleteThis is so 😔
DeleteEhya, in your case your husband is making effort but it's not coming forth. Not like those ones who purposely dodge responsibilities
DeleteI am unmarried though but please have your conversation with him without getting Angry
ReplyDeleteAre you saying he lost his job before or after marriage? Was he a provider or caring man during courtship? Did you at anytime discuss finance during courtship? Or have you always been the one providing from the get-go? If you have been chesting all expenses from day one, then know that dude came for the baby-boy life your pre-marriage actions promised him; so, please don't disappoint or stress him o.
ReplyDeleteThat said, if you cannot "make him listen", then send him a long WhatsApp message with bullet points you want addressed ASAP. If he doesn't respond, involve his parents. If there is still no response, STOP feeding him. My only advice to you is to not bring in any innocent child yet until you both figure out your financial relationship moving forward. If you cannot continue like this, disembark and let him find another "provider" or you continue doing the Lord's work. No act of charity will kuku go unrewarded by God.
Your last sentence is true. I can feed a man for as long as he’s a good man hands on father with chores too. But I’ll never feed an . Charity gbakwuoku
DeleteNever carry a man's responsibility
DeleteHe will take from you, despise and resent for it
And will still be ungrateful and do you dirty
Men don't have sense when they are not playing their roles
Marriage is not really for everybody. People that don't want to take up responsibilities should not near there. It requires a lot from both parties.
ReplyDelete2years and u are not disturbing him? Please disturb him, let him know u are tired or else u will do for the rest of ur life o.. What nonsense
ReplyDeleteYou went to marry a husband and now you’re complaining? Was the desperation that bad ? Now see your life ?! 2yrs of being the man of the home and you can’t even discuss basic finances with your lazy ass husband, shame on you both, hope being called Mrs is worth it .
ReplyDeleteWhy so bitter? Take honey, you will be fine
DeleteFor the fact that he's not giving room for communication is worrisome.there's need for clarity.for how long will he continue this way?
ReplyDeleteHe is dodging responsibility, he is not a kind or good man
DeleteHe is dodging responsibility, he is not a kind or good man
DeleteI am ultra unmarried here, so take my statements as you see fit.
ReplyDeleteIssues no matter how uncomfortable must be addressed. You got married to an adult not a child, you too are an adult. Hiding from pressing issue and pushing them under the rug or sweeping them into the closet does not mean anything has been resolved. You will still have to walk on the bumpy rug and see the dust in the closet each time you open it.
I do not know your husband and I would not want to judge him wrongfully based on a few lines on a website, but it is far more honourable for him to be doing undesirable work than to sit at home with folded hands. Yes, the economy is brutal almost everywhere but he has been without work too long and he appears too comfortable in his position. I saw some folks right here on the blog offer tips and insight on viable income making opportunities.
Please have the check-in and bring up everything that is important, including his current unemployment situation.
My sister in the Lord as you have started na so e go continue to be ooo. Put your foot on the ground and insist on that meeting let him know you are no longer happy. He will come defensive if he doesn't have shame or he might change for the best. God bless you in your next line of action.
ReplyDeleteGod will help you.You started it and it will be difficult to stop it.Didn't you see the signs before the marriage?Or you were desperate to get married.
ReplyDeleteYou need to take the bull by its horn. You have to sit him then and discuss the future with him. From your narration I can deduce that you guys don't have kid yet which is better. He needs to contribute his qouta to the family if not be ready to carry and cater for everything. Talk to him that you believe him and you believe he has prospect but you only carrying the financial aspect of your household is killing you as the man of the house, he needs to take charge
ReplyDeletePlease talk to him. This is not proper. You can't continue like this. Are you scared of talking to him? It seems so from your write-up. Don't be, please. Talk to him calmly but that conversation must happen. It's well with your home.
ReplyDeleteI know a couple with similar experience, the fiancee (now wife) was more financially stable and pushed for the marriage. At the time Bros made it clear that he can't foot bills until he gets a stable job. They used "faith", things are yet to stabilise for them and one can see that the wife is struggling. She wants a child now but Bros is avoiding it seriously because it will make things worse, wife is nagging and accusing him of being unsupportive. Now Bros is unhappy that she has changed the goal post after the game has begun, me I sha told him that as long as there's a match, it is inevitable that the goal post must be changed 😜
DeletePoster how come it's just now you wan discuss this matter, what did you people discuss before marriage.
ReplyDeleteHmm
Hmm, first thing I will say don’t have any children don’t even try it. Second you have to sit your husband and talk to him about finances and what his plans are. I will use my example for you. We had been sharing bills for a while then we had to move abroad some years ago. I was able to get a job not too soon after but my husband has had to take a series of qualifying exams for his profession to get a job. For a long while I was the one handling all the bills for a family of four (we have two kids). I noticed he was becoming too relaxed as I never made an issue of paying bills nor abused him or made him feel less of a man. However, I was becoming silently resentful because it was getting too much for me I was working and barely able to save or even spend anything on myself always on rent, utilities, feeding, kids etc. and I the racism I have been facing as well. It was affecting my mental health gradually so I had to talk to him and ask about his plans and let him know my frustration and my need to leave this job and get a breather for myself. That really helped and he has been hustling more than ever now because he knows what I have been going through. By God’s grace this year or the next I will be able to leave my job and decide on what I really want to do.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just need to open up no matter how difficult the conversation will be. But I repeat again and AGAIN, do not have kids until this is sorted.
How do you people marry whom you can't discuss with? During wedding receptions, some of you brides will be dancing like agama lizard without clue of expectations in that marriage. Go and talk to him face to face. Shey you people have sex, then what's difficult! Mrs married woman
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Delete😂😂😂
DeleteI still wonder how people get married to someone they can't communicate with, marriage is beyond that dramatic reception dance, elegant aso ebi.
DeleteYou deserve a friend not just a husband/wife, mother/father for your kids.
What's the benefit of a union that is not serving its primary purpose?
Felicity
Oh my! 🤦🏾♀️ 😂😂😂
DeleteThis anon you’re not a nice person 😂😂😂😂😂
DeleteBlog visitors please stop making people feel bad for their choices, poster wanted a home(husband and children), she could afford to take care of things at the time so there is nothing wrong with her decision.
ReplyDeleteThose who are lucky to have partners that shoulder bills without complaints -thank God but don't brag as if it was all by your efforts.
To the poster: the only thing constant in life is change, so you have to make some decisions with your hubby.
Unresolved financial difficulties lead to serious resentment and with time you may fall out of love with him.
Have that conversation with him, it's to save the relationship. Yes, the economy is bad, businesses are folding up but you guys have to develop both short term and long term plan. Plan as if there's no God, then pray as if you didn't plan.
One will chase a thousand and two will chase ten thousand. If he's not lazy he will reason with you and something good will come out. In no time God will bless you with a baby, you might not be able to work with pregnancy, so, he has to step up so that the family will not suffer.
Pray first for utterance on how to present the matter, bring it up in the early hours of the morning when he just wakes up.
Start by praising his good attributes (you saw something good that's why you got married in the first place), next itemize your worries, then listen attentively to what he proposes as solution. Reason with him, don't blame, don't argue but set clear timelines for any given suggestions.
If it becomes clear that you will take the lead, then you both should agree how best he should support you. Emphasise that it is what will help you to respect him. If it becomes evident that ego and laziness is all that can be provided with this companionship, you will have to re evaluate after some months.
The lord will give you wisdom and fill your mind with understanding on how to keep your home.
Don't ever feel bad that you got married, don't let strangers on this blog make you doubt your decision. Shalom 🙏
Precix.
I married one like this and as soon as I left him, I hear he went to find work.. only difference is that I refused to pay the bills myself. I made sure even if he is borrowing from someone, he must sha contribute. I got tired of shouting at him.. and he always wanted the latest and the greatest. Omo I left him Abeg. I can’t be teaching an adult a sense of responsibility
ReplyDeleteImagine having taste, high libido but low desire for work, and responsibilities
DeletePoster did not state the current status of her husband. Does he have a job? Is he applying for jobs? Is he trying his hands ń business?
ReplyDeleteYou can't accuse your husband of not contributing without stating whether he is trying anything or not.
We all know how many women post chronicles that paint them only in good light.
If your hubby is avoiding having a conversation it will be that he is ashamed that he could not take care of your bills.
Most times....men internalise shame. And he could be doing his best to get and make money.
My wife nagged me for five years of our marriage because she earned more than me. She even talked about how I was not trying despite the fact that I was pushing....and working hard. But bcause it's not showing....she had no respect for me.
Funny enough her own brother is now in same situation and dude has not made anything of his life.
And here I am....making six figures in dollars and now she is trying to be lovey dovey. That love has gone.....I am only here for the sake of my children. Nothing else.
Thank you. People think I can’t communicate with my husband but was “dancing at reception” I’m not even into that sort of thing, we discussed finances inclusive of many other things including children! What I do not want to do is communicate negatively because as kindly as I’ve tried he’s dodged it. I already know he’s ashamed and I don’t want to appear condescending… I needed a man in a similar situation or mature minds because not only is communication and comprehension key , timing is too. I wonder when ti talk not because I can’t but because this is such a sore spot and I’m no expert! Currently just like you my love is hanging by a thread and may never return all because of his attitude toward my trying to bring it up as well as his silence. I’m trying to understand him but it’s hard because I can never go so long with something supposedly wrong and quiet even with no solution I go Dey try address am and even say I have no solution.
DeleteMay God make you a billionaire, then your children zillionaires . Thank you for being kind to me in a hard season, God show your loved ones mercy. Amen. — poster