DISAPPOINTED; HURT AND DISGRACED
Hello Stella,
I feel so hurt, disgraced and disappointed with myself. I am a working class single mom. I am very beautiful and lively, and with lots of male admirers both married and single. After 5yrs of being alone, I decided to date again and hopefully remarry.
I have become intentional about who I date, and vowed never to date any of my married toasters. Unfortunately, the one man I am interested in is acting as if he is a prized possession and not ready for a relationship.
I met him on an online platform, and I did something I have never done before, i reached out to him and he responded. I told him from the onset that I wanted a friendship that would lead to marriage and he also said he was hoping for the same. And honestly, he ticks all the boxes for me.
I feel so hurt, disgraced and disappointed with myself. I am a working class single mom. I am very beautiful and lively, and with lots of male admirers both married and single. After 5yrs of being alone, I decided to date again and hopefully remarry.
I have become intentional about who I date, and vowed never to date any of my married toasters. Unfortunately, the one man I am interested in is acting as if he is a prized possession and not ready for a relationship.
I met him on an online platform, and I did something I have never done before, i reached out to him and he responded. I told him from the onset that I wanted a friendship that would lead to marriage and he also said he was hoping for the same. And honestly, he ticks all the boxes for me.
The problem is that this guy seems not to be ready to take the relationship further than a few messages online. He has not made any efforts to meet me physically, he is so content with himself, and says he wants things to flow naturally. How will things flow when we are still practically strangers.
I have never seen his picture, have never met him, and he is just ok for things to be that way, until he is ready. Whatever that means. He maintains that for now we are just friends and nothing more.
I did something recently, I invited him to a very exclusive party. And I told him to confirm if he could attend as a friend, which he confirmed he would and even promised to adjust his schedule to accommodate it. Last minute he cancelled the invite, with apologies, of course.
I feel so stupid, he made me feel like a desperate woman, of which I am not. I have never asked any man out before, not to talk of being turned down. I really hate myself now, I regret ever reaching out to him and I can't seem to forgive myself. I am hurt Stella, my pride is hurt.....
*Well, ish happens, dont feel bad but be glad that you are not yet emotionally attached to him yet, he is either a scammer or a married man...Trust me that those parties that you invited him, he showed up to check you out and thats a very dangerous thing, he knows all about you but you know nothing...If you break up with him ,he can reappear as himself under a new identity to date you physically.....
Does he know where you work or stay? Most times these scammers begin the blackmail for money when they have gathered enough info or if you try to break it off...
Break it off with this man and try to start again, dont look for anyone that ticks all the boxes cos they dont exist.
Stay away from this thing you hooked up with, he does not exist and might even be a female playing games as well....
You've never met him and you said he ticks all the boxes for you? How please? Just let him go, don't blame yourself for it, he's not meant for you, he might perceive you to be desperate and might be a turn off for him. Just keep your mind open, another serious man will show face
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Sorry poster. But you are being too hard on yourself. Like Stella said, I think you should forget about this one. Something is off about him. Through this one back, there are other 🐠🐟🐋🐬🐡🐙🦐 in the 🌊🌊🌊
DeleteLet me add this to Stella s red pen if bi say na your ex self who knows
DeleteExactly my thought Larry. How did he tick all ur boxes when you have never seen his pix and barely know anything about him? What box did he now tick?
DeleteThat part seem very unclear . That's said, stop beating urself up poster. Sh!t happens.
Dear Poster, you are allowed to make a mistake or two, you are only not allowed to dwell on or keep repeating same mistake. As long as you have learned from it, just move on. You seem principled which is a good thing, and perhaps that is why you found this experience very hurtful. Nothing went so wrong and good it didnt go further than this. I am a lady, and would like to be your friend, if you are interested, please reach out on lcfcoin4@gmail.com.
DeleteForget the guy, he is not for real and maybe he is feeling on top of the world because you reached out to him first. Move on!
Delete*Throw this one back........
DeleteTruth be told, you come off desperate. Let love seek and find you. Don’t bring a predator into your home. Keep your child safe, please I beg of you.
DeleteHow can someone tick all your boxes when you haven't seen the person physically??? Abeg free that guy before he blackmail you, are you sure you are not jazzed? I don't understand how you can be emotionally attached to someone that is playing with your emotions and you haven't even seen his pictures.
DeletePlease my love, you don't appear or come off as desperate. This guy probably is one of those clowns that can't handle a woman that is not afraid to express herself. It's okay darling. Forgive yourself. How many woman can swear that they haven't cried because of a man or tried to make a man want them. Oya, start ignoring him. Imagine he died or is in coma. Just delete him from your mind, not his number o. Ignore him. You will be fine my darling.
DeleteTelling a man you have not even seen that your are looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage comes across as desperate. You need to date the person first before even thinking of marriage or bringing up the subject.
DeleteYou have never seen his picture and you claim he ticks the boxes?
ReplyDeleteThey play.
DOZZYBEST.
That part I don't understand
DeleteI just tire. You have never even seen his picture, so what did you see that made you to send him a message? And you even told him that you want a friendship that would lead to marriage?
DeleteThat part is confusing, or is it a typo?
I think based on his biodata (information provided on the dating site). It's like presenting your CV for job, some CV's are intimidating and meeting for interview might just be a formality.
DeleteSeems God is trying to rescue you from a big problem but your emotion is trying to push you the other way.
ReplyDeleteStay happy, block him and keep it moving, the one who will value and match your energy will come soon.
Felicity
All the these emotions over someone you've never met, been intimate with or know how he looks? Tell us the truth, have you been sending this guy your money? Cos I don't understand.
ReplyDeleteForget he exist and move on.
Hmmmm guide your mental health. You seem desperate to be in a relationship. Keep your mind open and enjoy yourself while looking for a relationship. As for that man i dont know how to start liking someone you cant even place a face on? Please be careful
ReplyDeletePoster wake up! This is not lala land. Guy is a scammer. Abort mission!! He is not into you. Don't force it. Your man dey front. Ahead!! Ahead!!!
ReplyDeleteHow is he a scammer? Because he did not reciprocate her feelings?
DeleteWomen! Y'all think too highly of yourselves. Not every man will jump at the opportunity to date someone, regardless of whether she asked him out or not.
Men do have specs. And she might not be the Poster's spec.
Delete everything about him and block his numbers. He is just playing games with you and he is married. I wish you the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteA married man, probably.
ReplyDeleteNa ment? How can you fall for a mirage?
ReplyDeleteLol 😆 🤣 😂
DeleteYou know mystery can be very attractive sometimes.
DeleteDear poster please block this guy for your own safety ooo
The guy is a scammer.
DeletePoster stop beating & hating yourself.
ReplyDeleteMove on, stop seeing him as the best.
You dont even know how he looks like, you are loving an imaginery being. Stop being obsessed by his percoeved attributes or the things he told you about himself, could be that he lied.
Keep being happy on your own and be open minded.
Pray about your relationship/love life.
Omo your desperation dey smell through my phone. Meanwhile the thing that ticks all your boxes doesn’t exist 🤣🤣dey play
ReplyDeleteThis one is giving catfish vibes is all I can say
ReplyDeletePoster, he may not be any of the things he claims to be.
ReplyDeleteSome men write these things online to attract the attention of specific types of ladies. Some write stuffs just for fun; and to be using it to catch cruise.
It could be that he never expected any of this, and now he is trying to shake you off.
Poster let their be communication while the feeling flows. Take it one step at a time. He is the one to decide where it leads. Saying you are disappointed, did he break your heart?? No.
ReplyDeleteYou are just starting, apply patience and tolerance. Love is not hard.
You said,you have become more mature and intentional,How can you be intentional with a ghost? Please thank God,you were not harmed.
ReplyDeleteLol 😆 🤣 😂
DeleteNa wa oh..
ReplyDeleteWas he the one that reached out? Did he ask her for money? Did he ask her for a relationship? Did he ask her for sex? Someone that's not even interested in meeting her, so why are you guys calling him a scammer?
I don't just understand, just because he isn't ready to be in a relationship with the lady, he is ok being friends, infact he is ok not meeting her, but you guys have to call him a scammer..
Whether it's by force to do relationship with you ladies..
See an honest man that doesn't want to deceive a lady that he wants something when he doesn't want or isn't sure, na insults follow.. na why Una dey fall for deceivers and liars..
What if he isn't interested in being in a relationship with a single mother and doesn't want to tell her to hurt her feelings, so he decided not to lead her on?
What if she isn't her type's type?
She has many admirer, she left all of them to go and pick the one that's not interested in her and probably not in her league, Baba isn't interested, and he had to become a scammer immediately..
You people cannot handle the rejection that you dish out to men everyday..
Make Una dey easy with Una bad advice and unnecessary insults on men. Relationship is not by force. Mtcheew
You're right. If there's any scammer here, it's the poster. How do someone you've not seen tick all your boxes? She was even intentional with an unknown person. Just doesn't make sense at all. Does she thinks she can manipulate anyone into a relationship with her or what???
DeleteTo me the guy is a honest man. Some would have ride on her vulnerability and hurt her along the way.
Poster, you need take it easy on yourself. Just keep being focus, I'm sure love will locate you someday.
wow.... one of the rare occasions I agree with you Dante..... please oo, the guy is not at fault in this scenario at all, someone she hasnt even seen...
DeletePlease poster, it's ok... this guy is not into you, focus on the guys that actually like you
Honestly speaking...if you take some of the things women say here serious, you will detest female gender. Why are majority of female BVs so bitter?? From the story you will see clearly that the man doesn't want any relationship with the lady and he also doesn't want to lead her on...why is that bad??
DeleteOne time I agree with Dante.
DeleteGuy man might not be a scammer. Maybe he doesn’t like poster and that’s okay, not everyone will like a person. Also he might be sensing some desperation from poster and that’s why he’s acting as a prized possession because in this case, he really is the prize to poster
The "one timers and rare occasions" team, can you please not agree with me next time..
DeleteJust go and make your own comments..
See their mouth like first time I'm agreeing with you like anyone cares
Dante, Dante, Dante!
DeleteOh Dante you are always real, I like your comments and majority of the times they speak my mind.
DeleteTheres another angle the bandwagon of condemnation hasn't looked into: how long has he being single? I think the longer a man is, the more laid back they become in matters of commitment. This mans hasn't warranted anything to be labelled married nor a scammer just because he hasn't reciprocated the way you had wanted or anticipated. I assume this man is not that young, so the act of jumping straight into a relationship is not often their ways especially if their intention is real. Otherwise they will just in for the fun. People like that often prefer to take thing easy slow, and in that act they are observant of your person. Especially if they are into tech, into business that takes them around, or something that demands doing more than a thing at a time. Sometimes we need patience to understand the other side of our disappointment, because it might not be what we thought it to be. Also, do you know if this person was unwell and couldn't tell you that much? Did you just invite them from the blues, or was there enough time - at least a 2 weeks notice. So they could wrap up their schedule.
I say you relax your disappointment at his act and concentrate on developing the friendship that has being established into something more realistic. As a single mom back before I married, I rather we grow slowly our friendship from afar into proximity and decide if we want to try out a relationship. Because my dear, a serious man could act that way. From your post, I believe you are more pained that you don’t know what he looks like, than the actual disappointment. His reasons could be genuine, why not talk it through with him. By asking to tell you sincerely why he turned it down. You couldn't have not known anything about this man like you painted, but ticked your boxes. That is contradictory.
Suggestively I want you to invite him to an open place, just you him to rub minds. Today is 20th, you could schedule for October 1st, or the first weekend of next month. That's an ample time for someone to clear their schedule. Even better if he is someone who likes home-made meal, you can bring some foods and could buy drinks and you guys have fun. Also, he might not just be open to meeting you at an event that some of your friends or even family members might be a round. Some people don’t want nor like such first meeting. It maybe too much for him to manage. As a single mom, don't ever rush anything into relationship, take your good time and developed and enjoy a great friendship. That should be your priority.
Lastly, have you wondered how he sees you? He could be intimidated by what he has made of your personality. How do you two relate when you disagree over issues: is he confrontational or are you? Sometimes this simple things matter in the way someone who wants something real, decides how to follow up. This man hasn't offended you to warrant the pain you have ascribed to him, talk it through with him and make understand how bad you felt. If he is mature and sincere, he'll lead into his reasons or fear.
Dante thanks for keeping it real and speaking the plain truth.
DeleteThe comments on this blog sometimes amazes me.
One bottle of chilled Heineken for you bro
Keep away. Run faraway from this stranger because na Red flag. He is not your friend.
ReplyDeleteHe came to the party. He saw you. Maybe you are way more beautiful and classy than he thought. He decided to hide due to inferiority complex.
ReplyDeleteYou are better than this man wahala. Find joy within and move on.
😂😂
DeleteSo this is how you people deceive yourselves to feel better..
The one and only time I did blind date, during 2go days.. that's how we met in an eatery that Sunday afternoon, me, Mr romantic even bought her earrings on my way there,. God! That experience alone made me never to involve myself in blind date ever again, I don't even want to describe the experience so people won't feel I'm insensitive, but ladies, please stop sharing edited pictures that doesn't look like you in anyway as yours.. thank God I'm a gentleman and played nice until I left.. after that, I distanced myself with excuses of not being available until the friendship died a natural death..
So the babe too go dey tell herself say na inferiority complex do me after seeing am bah😂😂😂
Make Una dey play oh..
It's obvious this guy is a big boy and above poster's league na why she won die there, but look at you saying the opposite..
Well-done👍
Or may be he came to the party and she isn’t as beautiful as he thought or as beautiful and classy as he wants his woman to be. And he left. No may be he is better than her desperation. Or may be he didn’t even come at all simply because, maybe just may be from their convos, she didn’t tick all his boxes.
DeleteIt’s not always going to be about the woman. Sometimes it is about the man too.
Lol @17:10, most women never ever think a man they like would not like them or even detest them. That is not in the typical woman's DNA.
DeleteMy dear is not everybody that online date favours.Be very careful.For me,l cannot trust some body l met online when the ones I see face to face are even difficult to understand.There is a lot of red flag with that man.
ReplyDelete... and you thought the man may not have similar concerns. For some men it takes time, extra reassurance for them to date single mom especially the ones that start the relationship with conditions "it should lead to marriage".
DeleteWomen, no matter what NEVER ask a man out.
ReplyDeleteE get why!
Even the ones that asked you out can friendzone you, I remember one back then, some family members were so eager to hear we are moving things up but he was just reluctant and unavailable.
DeleteI kept telling them that he isn't committed or serious but they kept hoping. I eventually moved on from him and I'm married today, sometimes, people around you just keep pushing and asking till you start acting desperate. Poster, there's no love story here, get a grip.
Well, this is what a woman will do typically to a man chasing her.. Please kindly hold on, he needs more time to think about your proposal. He doesn't want to hasten things up..
ReplyDeletePoster from your narrative, contrary to what you think, you are actually DESPERATE. Everything you outlined just shouts I am DESPERATE.
ReplyDeleteMy advice to you is to open up, widen out and make friends, male and female, in that way, you will have people around you to distract you from this loneliness you are feeling which has led to your desperation.
I have never been a fan of dating sites, because, you date someone you have known for years, but it will still sometimes ends in premium tears, talkless of a complete stranger you know nothing about, who simply embellishes his personality to tick the perceived right boxes.
Also, the crime rate today, should be a deterrent for all this online dating stuffs.
In conclusion, make friends, take yourself and your kid(s) out, give yourself treats, Check up on friends and family members by calling. Wear a beautiful smile, dress well and true love will find you when you least expect it.
Exactly what I thought, she is desperate, attaching all these attributes to someone she doesn't even know. I don't blame her, most of us have been pushed into desperate acts at one point or the other by family, friends, church or society at large.
DeletePoster, just pull back and calm down, he just wants to be friends and there's nothing wrong with that, just be free and keep an open mind, keep being sociable and happy, marriage will come in good time. Cheers.
You are dating yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou have never met him before but he ticks all your boxes?
How?
With what?
He is keeping you for bragging rights.
Please never reach out to a nigerian man, their ego will have a field day on you.
If this your behaviour is what being intentional and matured to you, then you have a long way to go in terms of dating. Which human in his or her right senses falls for a ghost who never shows any interest to be in a relationship. The guy/ghost did not do her anything oh, she's the one feeling hurt and breaking her heart herself. Poster, you appear very desperate though you think you are not. I don't know if your past experience in your previous marriage is playing a role here and you
ReplyDeleteare desperate to remarry to a man that ticks all the boxes(no human ticks all the boxes). Breathe, relax and enjoy life. You will meet the right man when you stop being desperate.
Dear poster, from my rich experience of online dating and having online friends, anyone who has a perfect personality online that is too good to be true, isn't true but a mirage. The person isn't real.
ReplyDeleteThe unfortunate truth could be that he attended that party but cos you don't know him, you couldn't tell.
Keep it moving. He isn't worth your beating yourself up.
You have not seen his picture before and haven't met him physically, yet he has ticked all the boxes!! How🙄??? My sister, you're desperate. I will advise you leave that man alone, to avoid further disgrace. If he likes you, he will reach out to you
ReplyDeletePoster, but how did he tick all the boxes when you had not met him physically?
ReplyDeleteI think you allowed emotion too early. I can never fall in love with someone I have not met physically. People can lie online.
On most cases, the pictures they put up are either old or doctored images. By the time you meet them in real life it's a different ball game.
Let him go, he is deceitful or a player. you did nothing wrong in reaching out to him.
Pls go put all this energy into someone that’s interested
ReplyDeleteCatfish
ReplyDeletePoster the guy doesn't like you, So he doesn't want to waste his time nor yours, Pls move on.
ReplyDelete"I have never seen his picture, have never met him"
ReplyDeleteYour quote above is my comment base. I am making the comments before reading other peoples' comment. So if it is repetitive of what other Bvs have said, please forgive.
Dear Sista Bv, you were involved with a phantom. How can a man you have not met and seen tick all your boxes.
You invited "him" to an exclusive party? What if that was above his league? Anyway, your subsequent first time meetings with a man should be one on one in a public place. You may and should go with an escort who should be "in the crowd" looking out for you and also assessing the man.
Please take the matter as a part of learning and forget about it.
After reading comments -
ReplyDeletePoster may not be desperate, but she appears as a perfectionist. That is why the perfect online dating profile and answers packaged by the "man" ticked her box.
More women than admit, make the first romantic move towards men. Some are just discreet than others and most present their move as just friendship or help seeking only. So, a woman making the first move is not a sign of desperation. Any woman who is on a dating site has made a first move anyway.
Poster,
Unless your off-line circle of male admirers are really bad or you have something to hide, focus on them. And if they are not good enough, change them by getting fresh ones by the same way you got them or by other ways.
But for now, leave online or thread with care. You are likely to meet plentiful designer profiles there. Even from reading this blog alone, any devious male can prepare a female catcher profile online. But life is lived offline.
Mr. Mann
Every poster on this blog starts with “I’m beautiful 🤣🤣” so na who come be the worwor ones na? 😄 My dear, You are a desperate woman. That man clearly doesn’t want to date a single mom. As harsh as it sounds, you kind of have baggage. He just doesn’t know how to tell you that. I spend a lot of time with my man and his friends, Nigerian men never see commitment with single mothers. Unfortunately it’s the truth! They date them for a while then come up with one useless excuse why he can’t marry her. My advice to you poster is focus on yourself and your kid. Be so successful that man no go enter your mind sef.
ReplyDeleteNot 100% true. There are men who marry single mothers. Some men even prefer them for wives because of obvious good reasons.
DeleteShe only fell on love with the man's bio on the dating site, poster you be not seen his picture ,picture o and he has ticked your boxes , the way some people even fall mugu for love iss annoying and you said your exposed, hardworking and experienced my dear block him for your sanity if not he might come back and do you shege , thank your Star he is honest enough. I don't like the way single mothers fall mugu
ReplyDeleteA man ticks all the boxers via chat, calls, messages 😂😂😂😂 I laugh in Igbo language. You are not supposed to make such statement when you have not met the guy. Any one that is hiding or not ready to show their self just consider then to be fake 🤥 yes a real person that want to be with you will be pushing to see you or met with you to be sure that is what they want.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness you have not parted legs , so your brain is intact and thinking strength. Just pretend he doesn't exit. Reduce the time you give him with chat, call, messages and focus on important things in your life. Look for what makes you happy and start investing your energy on it than on an invisible man.
Do not call him to tell him you are hurt by his actions but act like he doesn't exit. You will be alright las las.
You are already attached to a man you have not met physically and he ticked all your boxes, you really need a resetting slap!
ReplyDelete