Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative

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STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

A SHOCKING CRY FOR HELP

This is going to be a long read and I know that not everyone would be able to read through it but I sincerely plead that at your free time please take a sit and read through this.

 I want to share things I’ve held inside for 29 years, I feel a dark empty hole in me as i live through my pain this hole keeps getting deeper and darker I maybe unable to continue living. I’m putting this out here as my last cry for help because irrespective of how badly I want to end my life I know deep down I’m not tired of living I’m just tired of living like this.

On the 5th of August 2023 a lady posted a chronicle about how things doesn’t work out for her in life and I read through a lot of comments that advised her to take things easy and to stop believing her problem is spiritual. That post has prompted me to share my story maybe I’ll get help in the comment section.

Ever since I was a child I’ve always been hated and disliked it doesn’t matter how good I am, it doesn’t matter how nice I am to strangers, colleagues, friends,lovers, family they always end up hating and plotting against me.While growing up I had a severe skin condition and nobody knew what it was I was severely bullied in school and I suffered severe child abuse in the hands of my parents.

 I would go to school and pupils will avoid sitting close to me , nobody spoke to me, my neighbors children whom I was friends with avoided and pretended they didn’t know me, I was flogged and mocked by soldiers (I went to command secondary school ), bullied by classmates until I started hiding in the wardrobe when my mum think I’ve left for school our maid would help me sneak into the wardrobe and I’d be in the wardrobe for hours when it’s school closing time the maid will help sneak me out.

 For reasons I don’t know my mother despised me so much she would flog me till I faint and still flog my fainted body, I would be asked to sleep in the bathroom floor as punishment, my mum and dad will countlessly tell me how they would prefer for me to die so they would bury me after all they had 3 other daughters in other to make this post shorter I’ll have to cut some parts but I went through a lot of pain. During this period I was a sad and depressed child before I ever knew the meaning of depression. 

At the age of 14 I ran away from home with nothing on me I don’t know how it happened but I walked a long distance and fainted about 12 steps away from my family hospital I was rushed into the hospital by a Good Samaritan that saw me lying on the road and my family was contacted. My mum came to the hospital raining curses on me and saying she would have preferred it if I was dead but my dad was gentle and I returned home. Note that this was my biological mother yes I’m sure of it well home became unbearable for me to the extent I started to wish my mother death because everyday she returns from work my heart skips immediately I hear her voice because I knew I would be beaten up and physically abused during this period I believed I didn’t deserve love or happiness I had no self confidence or self esteem . 

As I grew up my skin condition started to disappear on it’s own but left a lot of scars on my skin from neck to toe the only way to battle this was to use skin lightening products, due to my change in appearance my confidence started to build up and I started dressing better. This is just a sneak peak of what my childhood was like but it was much more painful and disheartening than what I’ve narrated above back to my story.

I got into the university and I decided to be different from the young damaged and broken girl that left home I took on a different personality ( I was more outspoken, made sure I looked good and even made friends) I was the most popular female in the entire university but even with this new personality boost I was still the same old broken person. Apart from my friends I rarely interacted with my course mates , room mates etc I was usually quiet and I liked to be on my own I could spend months in my room without going to class just because I didn’t want to interact with people but irrespective of how gentle , always on my lane and calm I was people hated me for no reason in school. 

The only people I could rely on were my friends until the day I caught my best friend sleeping with my boyfriend I asked her to leave the house and she returned to school and told a lie that she caught me sleeping with her boyfriend. I returned to school and my entire friends had turned against me , my name had gone round the entire school that I was a boy friend snatcher, I walked into the hostel and hundreds of students would be screaming boy friend snatcher boy friend snatcher, people avoided sitting next to me in the exam halls. I had nobody at all the tell my own side of the story because I had only interacted mostly with my group of friends I had no course mate, room mates or anyone at all to ask me for my own side of the story so I said nothing and I continued to bear the pain during this period but the pain became unbearable for me I had broken up with my boyfriend after I caught him with her so I decided to take 2 days out of school to go spend sometime with someone I had been chatting with on Facebook for a year prior to this moment well on getting to the location I was taken to the bush i got robbed ,physically assaulted and brutally raped -

My rapist kept saying my pussy is dry that he will rape me till I cum; I was raped in the bush for over 3 hours I know I deserve to be blamed for this encounter because I trusted a Facebook friend but the only way I could truly connect with people was online because I had suffered severe child abuse which made me unable to connect with people physically and I trusted the person I was chatting with but he said he would send his driver to pick me from the park unknowingly to me the said driver was a scammer who specialized in running fake Facebook accounts to attract women whom he drove to the bush to kill , rape and steal from. 

My rapist said the only reason he left me alive was because when he picked me form the park I had told him the name of my hometown and coincidentally he was from the same place :his conscience won’t allow him sell the body parts of his town sister. After this encounter I never spoke to a soul about it until this post I buried it deep down and continued with life I was alone no friends, no bond with family etc during my childhood and my transition into adulthood I had never ever smiled or laughed I mean as a human being I had never smiled or laughed but I continued with my life. 

After graduating I got a job at a bank I was hated and despised in my office I would hear so many terrible lies about myself I couldn’t understand what I ever did wrong to deserve it and it was usually the people closest to me that would always plot against me so I left the job and I resumed at a new place. At the new place I noticed the same thing I was hated and despised by my colleagues, I wasn’t invited to gatherings, my branch manager was always making a request to the head office to get me sacked that he can’t tolerate me in his branch but I kept enduring all this until juju was used to make me have a severe ailment I don’t want to go into details so my ex colleagues won’t be able to decode this if they come across this chronicle after this I lost the job again and got another job I started to think maybe I was been disliked in my previous organizations because I keep to myself ( people always assume people who keep to themselves are proud and feeling too big so they end up hating the person without knowing their story)

444444 I made a conscious effort to connect with every single colleague in my new work place, I had a very good rapport with them one would have guessed we were all one big family but the exact same thing started again people ganged up against me , my own friends/colleagues were advocating for me to be sacked, my boss picked on me and frustrated all my efforts, my colleagues would be so nice to face but they’ll say so many terrible things about me behind me , people were anonymously sending mails to the HR department stating that I should be sacked, my female colleagues would be secretly competing with me i started to hear a whole lot of things “ them say, this one said, that one said , she said , he said etc people will gather and slander my name then come to me to say this one said later another one will come and say that one said. I’ll be 29 on the 12th of august for the past 28 years of my life I have never ever received a birthday gift,I’ve never spent my birthday on a date neither have I ever had a man to spend the day with. 

Every 12th of august every year I spend it in my bed all alone and In my poll of tears to be honest tears is all I’ve truly ever known I have cried every day of my life but I can count with my fingers how many times I’ve ever felt truly happy. I met responsible well to do men but along the line in the relationship they’ll suddenly hate me and start to mistreat me in the beginning I chose to stay in this painful relationships even tho I was been verbally and emotionally abused I would do everything within my strength to stay because I was afraid to be alone I was afraid to be left alone because all my life I have been alone but it didn’t matter how much of a good woman I was I was always maltreated so I started speaking up for myself I’d try to have them see why and how they are treating me wrongly they’ll say I’m nagging and break up with me. I started to wake up I started to notice that this was a pattern

The funny thing is this men would break up with me but they’ll always come back they’ll say I’m a good woman that my kind is rare they’ll say they want to do better but when we give it another trial the same thing repeats itself. I started to pray harder than ever but I started attracting men that are either divorced, previously engaged, left by their previous partner and no matter how nice the man appears to be I always end up finding out why their previous wife, fiancée, girlfriend jilted them I always find out the hard way why other women ran for their lives.

I started to notice that all this was a pattern in my life I started to think deeper and I began to realize something is terribly wrong with me. Ever since I was a kid I’ve had some sort of clairvoyant ability I’ll give some examples my friend had a call and before she picked my mind has already told me what the caller would say even tho I don’t know the caller, no matter how nice a person is to my face I can feel it that they don’t mean me well when I’m around them and I always end up finding out that they said or did something bad behind me, if I think of someone even if I’ve not spoken to them in 6 years they’ll call me immediately I think of them, if I wish for something it always comes to pass but doesn’t last , the was one time my friend came to spend the night with me at midnight my mind told me to ask my friend to leave my room I tried so hard to fight the feeling off but it didn’t let me sleep until I woke her up to go to her house she was shocked but she left immediately 

she left my mind asked me to call her house mate I called her house mate at midnight the lady was surprised because we are not close neither do we speak to each other I just told her my spirit asked me to call her but I don’t know why that’s when she informed me that my friend stole something and was caught but when my friend was caught she told them that I was the one that convinced her to steal it I cried bitterly and proceeded to their apartment and I showed them the chat I had with my friend a day before where my friend stated that she had spoilt her roommate’s stuff and she didn’t have money to replace it so I told her I’d dash her 25k to add to what she has to replace it because she said her roommate insists she replaces it that was when the roommate and her friends started pleading with me to forgive them that they had already announced it to our shared acquaintances that I was a thief unknowingly to me I never knew that what my friend stole was what she told me she spoilt and I was even tried to help her replace. 

There are other instances where I dream about a man I’m dating hurting me and he hurts me in real life, I dreamt about losing my phone and I lose it in real life, I dreamt about a long ago love interest dating a friend presently and I find out they are dating in real life , I dream about a love interest fathering a child and I find out in real life he impregnated 3 women at the same time. 

One time when I sit my mind will tell me “ move your leg a snake will bite you” I’m standing “ my mind will tell me move your leg a snake will bite you” this happened for days I literally thought I was just being stupid until one day my kid sister woke up crying we rushed to her and asked her what was wrong she said she dreamt that I wanted to go out and I put my hand to pull out the cloth I wanted to wear out from the wardrobe and I was bitten by a snake that morning I truly wanted to go out so I asked my sister to come to the wardrobe and point out the cloth she saw me picking in her dream and she pointed out the exact cloth I wanted to wear out that morning. the was a time I was praying and my mind told me to immediately step out of my house the was no light I closed my door and noticed something black on my door handle

 I wanted to remove it with my hand but my instincts told me to use my phone torch behold the was a snake right there on my door handle pls note that the event with my sisters dream and the event about the snake on my door handle happened about 6 years apart I’m just trying to point out few weird things that has happened around me. When I was in the university I woke up one night I was unable to stand or move (sleep paralysis) I tried to speak the word Jesus but I couldn’t so I said Jesus in my mind and I was immediately released I stood up and the was a man on white garment staring at me I looked at him and I said to myself but I locked this door before sleeping who is this man and how did he get in here but I couldn’t speak I picked up something from my bed side and dropped it on the table afterwards I returned back to sleep and covered my body with my blanket 

In the morning I immediately called my mum ( we are now best of friends she is trying to make up for what she did in the past) and narrated my dream to her I had assumed what happened the previous night was a dream because I couldn’t really tell if it was real or a dream when I woke up but after the conversation I noticed what I picked from my bed side and kept on the table was still on the table that’s when I realized what happened was real.

 The was a time I was lying down and pressing my phone and I saw a shadow on the wall I thought it was my shadow until I realized the shadow had a different hair style from mine ( I was on all back and the shadow looked like it had its hair packed up) I stood up immediately and started praying and it stopped, some times I hear strange sounds around my house, whispers of female conversations when I lay my head on the pillow and it feels like the voices are coming from the pillow, strange laughter on the window. I had strange dreams of men wearing Igbo chief regalia’s asking me to sit with them that I’m one of them but in the dream I reject it and say I will sit alone rather than sit with them.

 I had strange dreams of always finding myself running from occult looking things and gathering I always run or fight and defeat them in my dreams, I dream and see myself in a school running for my life but when I open the door to run out I’ll see an ocean of water, I’ve dreamt of been in a pool with thousands of snakes and I swim in it, I’ve dreamt of being in a water side and I was shown the queen of the water but immediately I looked at her people started running around saying the queen was dead, I’ve dreamt of being in a real shrine I was tied up but in the dream I stood from where I was tied and I loosened it up a native doctor looking lady said I should tie myself back or she will kill my family I looked up and saw my family members tied up too and I quietly knelt down and tied myself back up.

 I once dreamt of myself standing in front of a very big ocean I mean a very big one and standing on the other side of the ocean was a very big Catholic Church with a big statue of mary and a pregnant woman praying to Mary in the church in the dream I was standing at a distance but I could feel that the pregnant woman praying was me I’ve had so many of this instances so I spoke to someone and she told me she was having spiritual issues and she has contacted an “ Ezewanyi” for the none igbos ( Ezewanyi are native doctors that specialize in water dieties etc) I was very skeptical about going with her because I’m a prayerful person and I genuinely love God but after she made several attempts to convince me to go I went with her immediately she saw me she asked me to look into her eyes and when I did she called me “ Ezewanyi e be mu” which means “ my fellow Ezewanyi” note that i didn’t tell her anything about me not even my name I was shocked and I asked her what does she mean she said I have the calling to me an ezewanyi that the water spirits have tried to come to me but I keep fighting them off she said I’m a very strong person spiritually and I’ve single-handedly fought over the power of darkness and this water entities have said that since I have refused to answer my calling or go to my river to appease them that they will cause me pain at every angle of my life. 

To be honest I called her bullshit and I didn’t believe a word she said even though I knew I’ve had strange experiences but I just couldn’t believe how someone like me who hates the things of darkness or anything related to satan would be a “ water entity” but weirdly 3 days later I went to a cosmetic store to get skin products and a shop attendant asked me “ do you know who you are” I didn’t quite understand him so I didn’t respond he asked me again “ Don’t I know who I was ? I’m a very strong person in the spiritual realm” i quietly left his shop and forgot about this whole event and moved on with my life with God. 

I got into a relationship recently a very healthy relationship with a sweet and kind man he was so happy to have me in his life it literally looked like a fairy tale but the moment he proposed to me it started again the sudden hatred, the maltreatment, the verbal and severe emotional abuse it got so bad that he started to say I’m a good person and he doesn’t understand why everything was going as it was so he consulted a pastor who told him I have a good soul and I’m a child of destiny who has been given spiritual gifts from God but I’m starting to lose my powers but the problem is I have serious spiritual problems and I must appease it that this entities have said let them see how I will marry in life etc the dude tried to convince me to go to the river to appease whatever so we can marry easily I refused and he broke it off with me.

 Truly like the pastor said I have lost my ability to see in the dream this days I go to sleep and I wake up unable to recall the slightest details of my dreams, I had to resign from my office after only 4 month of working there because 

I started suffering from severe panic and anxiety attack I started to feel like an outcast at work due to the severe hate and bully I faced. I’m at home now with no job, no relationship, rent would be due in a few months, no friends, no neighbors (I live alone in my compound) I’m all alone , I’m beginning to have severe mental illness please note I’m not running mad or anything like that I’m very sound but I’m beginning to have severe nervous breakdown,anxiety and panic attacks, depression,suicidal thoughts,inability to want to go on with life , severe ptsd from my life experiences. I’m slowly loosing my ability to remember things, I have thousands of thought’s running through my head at the same time, I’m in so much pain in all my story the only thing that changed in my life is my appearance I look so good that both men and women drool and most women envy me they think my life is perfect but all my life I’ve been moving in a circle.

 I forgot to mention 2 of the jobs I lost in the past I lost them they exact day I resumed let’s say I resumed 1st July 2010 on the 1st of July 2011 I would be sacked. I have prayed I have cried , I have gone to mfm, I have done nsppd, I thought we are God’s children even if truly I have a foundational connection with a water entity that I know nothing about I thought God said if we open our heart he will come into us? I thought he said as long as we acknowledge him as our God he will be there for us? 

I know God loves me I have seen his manifestation in my life no matter how tiny , they are days I prayed and I got what I prayed for exactly as I requested, the was a day I cooked something by 7pm and I woke up by 2am with smoke everywhere in my house I ran to the kitchen and my gas was off I don’t mean water spilled on it and the fire went off I mean the On/Off switch was turned off and I live alone in my entire compound , I was praying and God asked me to step out of my house if I didn’t do it at that time that snake would have gotten into my apartment and hide somewhere and maybe there for a while. 

I was listening to a sermon of pastor joshua selman and I dozed off immediately a hand tapped me to wake up. The power to fight of supernatural dark forces in my dream is from God so all this has made me believe he loved me, But I’m beginning to see my life moves in a circle I’m not heading forward or backwards I’m just running in a circle and a person who runs in a circle is heading nowhere. I’m in a lot of pain mentally I’m literally losing my mind I’ve endured so much pain in life without speaking to a soul about it I admit I need therapy and I tried to get one but unfortunately Nigerian therapy is very expensive. 

Someone please help me I don’t want to die I can feel myself drawing very close to the day I pick up a bottle of sniper. I’ve never felt loved , wanted , happy, I’ve never genuinely smiled because for anything that ever happened in my life that deserved to make me happy only made me scared because good things doesn’t last In my life when anything good happens to me I’m still sad because I’m afraid it’s going to disappear as quickly as it came and it always ends up disappearing.

 I honestly can’t go on like this what do I do? I don’t want to go to any river with fanta and fowl I don’t believe In such things neither do I want to be connected to such things but I feel totally abandoned by God. He has allowed me be put to shame , he has watched me cry everyday for the past 29 years of my life , he has allowed my enemies gather to say finally we have gotten her. God why have you forsaken me? 

I’m dying slowly inside everyday I lose a part of me every day I’m not perfect but I’m honestly a genuinely good person because I endured a lot of pain alone I’m always there for people I’m always the one the few friends I had would run to for advice, to cry to, to rejoice with, to carry their burden and I always did diligently but I even went cold on them because I was carrying too many problems, I’m the one that settle relationships, gives advices, cheer them up when they are down but nobody I mean nobody have ever asked if I was okay?

 Even when I try to speak to them they cut me short and continue talking about their own problems. I give my all when I’m in love because I never got any love in life so I try to give the love I was never given but no matter what at the end I’m here now crying bitterly as I type this with no single soul to speak to. I carry so much weight inside I don’t how long I can go on let someone pls save me.