Hmmmmm....
AN UPDATE ON AN OLD CHRONICLE AND A NEW CHRONICLE
Update on old chronicle:
I sent a chronicle about a guy i was dating that didn't like to share a bedroom and it was a lot of concern for me.
New Chronicle
Aside the bedroom issues, we had some other issues. I am a size 14, and i am tall, 5.8. I know i have a fine physique and i am beautiful. I get a lot of compliment both from men and women But my (ex) boyfriend made me feel ugly.
Complained i am overweight and he prefers slim girls. Mind you, he met me a size 14. I literally felt like an ugly, unwanted person all through the relationship even though i complained severally to him about how he makes me insecure.
We eventually broke up.
New Chronicle
I went for a trip abroad and i met a European man. He's on a work contract in the country i went to. He's a widower with a daughter that lives with his mum in his country. We went on some dates and we had a really good connection. I have never asked anything from him neither have i collected anything from him.
Just good relationship. It's been a month and I'm back to Nigeria. I and him talk everyday and he is proposing marriage to me. He confessed how much he loves me and how i have really made him happy since the day we met.
He said he has told his family about me and he will like to book a trip for me next month to come meet his family because he will be travelling home next month too. He also plans to come meet my family after our trip to his home. I'm a bit scared because it's quite early and i don't know how real it is.
It's like I'm taking a risk. I'll be 31 this year and he is 40 (please age is not my issue here). I'm confused because this is my first time with a foreigner and I don't know what to expect in a marriage with him or his family. Though he has been a lovely man so far but i am still a bit confused. Thank you.
Hmmm as i marry Europen na, All eyes on me bah? LOL
Please dont marry him until you date him for at least a year and understand how different they are from Nigerian men.... This is VERY IMPORTANT......
Most of them do not spend money on their wives the way Nigerian neb do and you MUST bring your own money into the marriage oh...You must cos you cannot expect him to take care of your personal needs..... I got lucky and married a man who knows what to do.....
I am saying this cause you stated up there that you have not collected anything from him, you cannot collect, he will only give you when he wants to give or has to give......Be ready to get flowers and chocolates as present or even perfumes instead of expecting to get large sums of money to shop......
Dont marry him until you date him and see how it will be and what to expect and not to expect from his family, dem send but dem no send.....For example if you marry him and have a baby, dont expect his mum to come and do omugwo, she will only visit you and leave same day after some hours and she will not be at your beck and call...
Also find out his social status. whether he is high class, middle class or low class in society..
Most mairrages to Europen men break up when the woman tries to import Naija mentality into the Marriage.
Goodluck!
My experience with white men outside of not spending is that they are COLD. No empathy, even if you fall down dying, they can't feel anything outside of sexual attraction to you.
ReplyDeleteNa lie. The man you dated did not love you
DeleteLol.... 😆 😂 😆
DeleteAnon 15:08, you are not very far from the truth. I'm married to British guy, sometimes he comes across to me as emotionless... lol
Other times he's quite romantic with flowers and perfumes. I have learnt to start liking my flowers by force 😆 🤣 😂
Cold? Don't generalise, but na lie you lie so.
Delete15:08 You musta dated some real STRANGE men. I hope its not the ones from the countries 'I'or 'L' that you are calling 'oyinbo'? Lolll, you're far more 'oyibo' than them, trust me.
DeletePoster, foreign men who are genuinely desirous of relationships will shower you with affection and cute gifts, perfumes, chocolates, spa vouchers, favourite candies, trips etc.They make an effort to find out what you like and things about your culture so that they can impress you. Most of all, they LISTEN, ARE ATTENTIVE and DO NOT BELITTLE you. Even the ones who just want a short term thing with you are generous and out to impress, how much more those that are considering you for the long haul?
Most importantly, they don't consider you less than human or beneath them, because you are a woman, they are respectful. They will never ask you foolish questions like 'what do you bring to the table ',they are not dense. And they don't consider infidelity/violence/abuse as a badge of honour or lack of self control as a thing to be proud of.
Ofcourse it's all up to the individual, remember that.
There are many terrible ones amongst them. Some that are just flirts or have a black fetish want to hit it and flee. As an intelligent woman, you should be able to immediately prune timewasters. But overall, their cultures frowns at misogyny and doesnt celebrate and encourage it.
Never ever dated a Nigerian man in my life, not even by mistake, as I knew our values,interests would not align.
9 years married to my boo and forever to go.
Most importantly ensure you're not a liability, bring value,and keep your ears and eyes peeled.
****This is the advice I gave my sister: Men will address you based on how you present yourself. If you are forming, independent, strong,virtuous woman,rejecting gifts, critising other women to appear good in his eyes, conforming to his every wish and demand,always going for the cheapest options in dating and shopping even when he wants to splurge on you as an eager pick me that you are, because you wantu to prove you are a good, viable marriage material woman etc, the man will treat you accordingly.
If you present yourself as a lady of high morals, high taste and high value, who expects and will accept only the man will treat you accordingly or fade away, because he simply cant keep up. If you present yourself as an olosho, the man will treat you accordingly.
It's that simple.
Men, regardless of colour, are easier to read than half the alphabet, na una just dey complicate things for yourself.😁
Good luck girleee.
Anon 16:20 please expatiate on the things that make some Nigerian men bad in the dating market
DeleteThe one wey dem write for there never belleful you? @17:14 And 5ft8 is not 'tall' loll. Anybody you are dating who starts to make you feel less than, needs to be trashed like trashed. No tym for non sense.
Delete16:20 🥂
DeleteAh, Stella has analysed everything for you.
DeleteMao Akuh
Abeg poster, follow Stella's advice.
ReplyDeletePoster Stella has said it all. Take her advice and date him very well. All the best..
ReplyDeleteYour fears are valid too. Before meeting them physically, I'd suggest occasional video calls to get to know them, connect a lil and from there .....
ReplyDelete"I have never asked anything from him neither have i collected anything from him."
ReplyDeleteMe self see the above line come burst laugh.. for an average naija girl, that's her definition of love, a responsible man and their new word- A KIND MAN😂😂
CC: bro XOXO
Baba , from all these comments, e show say we Nigerian men are the sweetest.
DeleteHahahahahahaha, so all that their formats na to manipulate us to be a "real man".
@Dante,
DeleteSuspect any Naija girl or woman in "love" who does not add that to her chronicle asking about whether to continue with a man.
Princess Dante
DeleteWhite men in love are usually affectionate, I am surprised he has not gifted her anything. Not nice. They need to date for a while. Let her tell him what her love language is.
Stingy men irritate me likewise stingy women. Princess Dante, try and be dashing your girlfriend money. Stop using heavy yarns to confuse the girl.
I still like Naija men sha.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
I’m Nigerian and I’ve been in US since I was a teenager. I ended up marrying a naija man who grew up/raised in naija. We’re both from the same tribe/city self but if I tell you the culture clash we went through when we first got married ehn…it was crazyyyy. I’m obviously not his typical naija girl even though i still speak the language. I’m saying this because I wonder how those who are completely not from the same country/tribe make it work. Marriage itself is not easy so imagine adding different race and ethnicity in the mix. It takes patience and understanding and prayers if una believe in God. Poster take your time veryyyy well o hmmm. Don’t rush into marriage without getting to know him/background well. Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteSee good advise na.
ReplyDeleteI think stella has said it all. But exactly what does she mean by the mentality of Nigerian women in marriage?
ReplyDeleteOP if you can do 50-50 marriage then explore further with your new man. If you are the typical Nigerian woman with my money is my money attitude, then you need to consider if this is really what you want.
I can only marry a very rich generous white man and very romantic and clean because some of them no matter how rich they are they are stinkers
ReplyDeleteI heard this before. I read once that a certain European country of men would even wear their underwear without washing for two weeks straight. It is important for folks to know exactly what they are getting into. Take time to vet the person well.
Delete@16:11. Thank you. Most of the Nigerian women who "tueh" on the typical Nigerian man long for Oyibo men do not know that what the typical Nigerian man does in marriage is done only by only the rich Oyibo men.
DeleteAnd it is the burden Nigerian men carry in marriage that makes most of them who misbehave, to do so.
I must be hanging out with the wrong oyibos then because I’m yet to meet anyone that actually smells
Delete20:41 Nigerian men don’t really carry all the load
DeleteThe number of women have heard say this and later they pay the bills and buy food and clothes for the children
Paying the mortgage is not doing all
Eka, you hanging with the right crowd. But back in the day the average Brit took a bath once a week, the French had the same reputation. But times have changed so who knows🤷🏽♀️
DeleteStella has said it all! Even this so called rushing to you is normal for them but the biggest surprise is they don’t mind moving on too if it’s not working, even via divorce they don’t mind oooo! also check status of religion as well! With our African mentality you’d call em stingy but they’re 50-50 kind people.
ReplyDeleteAn anonymous comment above said they can be cold and it’s true : brutal honesty (such as am I fat A: yes you got fat / your family isn’t my responsibility etc) no omugwo & no unnecessary attention such as he his friends & family may not rally around you if you were hospitalized you will be left to recover on your own with maybe few calls as many white people mind their own biz. Find out his social status and mindset all this msg not apply to you though
That’s a myth
DeleteWhite guys are not quick to move on
There will be culture clashes, for sure. These clashes will last depending on how you guys handle it. It happened to me and it took years to understand. She wanted us eating out once in a while ( infact, it was all she wanted) but I could not understand why spend money eating out when there was food at home. The things we call things and regard are not they things oyibo calls things and regard. Have an open mind. Don't hold on to things for long.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
Even people who married from 2 different tribes here have culture clashes so leave that thing.
DeleteMarriage is so important that we must seek the face of God.we cannot afford to take a risk of marrying anyone just because we dated them for a long time.No. What is God saying about my relationship with him/her? Is this the right one for me? Can this person still love me when the storms of marriages come? after praying and seeking the face of God, you will surely be guided by the holyspirit.goodluck.
ReplyDeleteE jim flowers na perfume eme nini kwanu ?
ReplyDeletePoster Stella has given you a good advice and also let you know what to expect- - flowers 🌺🌺
ReplyDeleteAt 31, you’re still young and long distance relationship is not advisable. Look within your environment and leave the European man cos there’s no compatibility there but if you must settle for him, date him for over a year. Don’t let anyone rush you into marriage. It’s a red flag.
ReplyDeleteIf she look around her environment, Naija men are what she will see. I thought Nigerian women said that white men are more responsible, generous and loving than we Nigerian men? Ikwakwakwakwa
Delete17:01
DeleteI follow you laff.
So what happens if you are allergic to perfume and chocolates. Wasn’t it an European man who divorced his European wife recently because she has dementia and he got married to her best friend instead. Lawd a mercy.
ReplyDeleteIf you like him Marry him
ReplyDeleteHe’s planning to pay for a trip for you to meet his family that’s very generous
Lmao @ some of the replies. Stella , Oyibo may run away if the poster does not want to marry him fast o. Their own love na papapa, kiakia things
ReplyDeleteLoll@ papapa 🤣🤣🤣 that’s why dem divorce quickly too. Oyinbo no get tough skin like we do oo. Dem no like stress at all.
DeleteThat’s more Nigerian men actually
DeleteI find the cultural differences to pay Nigerian women more than when nsija men marry white ladies
ReplyDeleteAt least i prefer their ways sha. No too much you’re supposed to me cooking cleaning for me crap. And I’m happy to share the bills so no problem there
Where are all the Oyibo men is it BVs?
ReplyDeleteNone to counter Stella"s comment that Good Oyibo operate on 50/50? And Stella forgot to add pre-nup for those who have enough to do 100.
Here, the typical Nigerian man does 100 for wife for starters. Then, MIL, FIL. Then SIL and BIL who may be his mates or older, or their children. And the man's family may not be welcome in his home.
First thing, do not generalize. I don’t know who gave this impression of oyinbo men always do 50/50. I just don’t want to say too much, but poster at 31 you should know what you want/don’t want. And for your information, a lot of the so called Nigerian men are irresponsible and have their wives footing the bills, they just cover it up.
ReplyDeleteAlso love is not transactional, the reason why ‘oyinbo’ culture is not money centric is because their girls are also not hungry. They don’t need urgent 2k, it is not the girl’s responsibility to take care of all her family members so there’s nothing any man is coming to shoulder. Regardless of race and ethnicity, a man who loves you will do whatever he can to make your life comfortable.
Most importantly, as banal as this may sound, you need God to order your steps. Marrying a genuine Christian man solves 90% of the problems in marriage. Emphasis on genuine.
Furthermore, I’d highlight another aspect, which is that there will be no in-laws disturbing you in any shape or form. This could go both ways right, because your cousin’s husband or whoever cannot also be disturbing your husband for money. If you don’t call your in-laws for months, heaven will not fall. Like someone rightly said, your mother in-law will not come and sit in your house for any reason. Why? Because she has her own life to live!
Ultimately, it’s about what you want. For me, all of these were not a problem because my family is not even dependent on me to start with, and my husband of 8 years goes above and beyond to take care of myself and the children. Do not generalize about the 50-50 thing, and worst case scenario if that’s the case, why can’t you help someone you love?
If you love someone then you don’t want to see them stressed.
A lot of us Nigerians and other world people are traumatized one way or another, because come to think about it there should be no ‘your own-my own’ in marriage. The two becomes one, but because humans have been built for survival and we want to protect our selves one way or the other, that’s why all these are a problem.
Know what you want and stick to your standards regardless of race, I pray God guides you and I hope you see this.