Hmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CRITICAL SITUATION
Please, what can I do ? I no longer love my hubby. No matter how hard I try, the love won't come back.
When we got married newly, he turned me to his punching bag till the marriage was about 2 years old. So during those period, I developed hatred for him.
Now he has stopped, but the love won't came back. I have tried, but it's not possible. I don't even think about him. Even s#x with him is by force because it's no longer enjoyable. Sometimes, I feel like running away with my kids. Pls help, what can I do?
Why not discuss and tell him that his Domestic Violence on you has changed your feelings and you dont love him anymore...If zou cant talk to him then stop livining like this and leave
Awwww. Hugs
ReplyDeleteEmotions aren’t things we can explain or control, simply speak to him and visit a therapist
DeleteHe has to keep making up for his actions and you have to deal with it mentally
If after everything it doesn’t work out, please leave
Push up (original)
It's high time you left, ma'am
ReplyDeleteI don't know why you should still stick to a loveless marriage if you are so done like you implied
Hmmm
DeleteCan you really regrow love? Maybe having conversation about all the DV that happened within the two years and him apologising will do the magic, so talk it out, if it doesn't a separation for a while will suffice so you can put things in perspective. The lovelessness is probably born out of anger. Also don't forget to pray about it.
DeleteWondering what changed for you recently...did he stop providing financially, have you birthed the number of children you need from him and afraid of another baby coming mistakenly, is his tool now malfunctioning such that the gbenshing is not enjoyable, is there a side nigga giving you green light out there, do you now have enough money to take care of your kids without his assistance now that you are considering japa from marriage?
DeleteTake a break: You can go on a holiday, visit your parent/family and pamper yourself, do something you love for a bit. Take that time to pray, ask the holy spirit for help and clarity. Whatever decision you arrive at will drop in your spirit and you will have peace. For you to send in this chronicle it means that you are worried about him and yourself...what will make you happy if you were to stay, what is making you unhappy at the moment. How will this separation affect your teenage children, raising children without the other partner in the picture can be tough because you have to work/be away from them all day. Only you can answer these questions. Re negotiate some aspects of the marriage. In all, trust God to show you the way forward. Don't forget to discuss with your parents/older friends, you will need their perspective and support.
May God heal your heart towards him. So sorry for what you been through. Please seek for professional help like therapy. If you are a Christian pray to God to restore the love. It is well with you poster.
ReplyDeleteMadam,
ReplyDeleteDoes he still beat you? Has he change? Is it that you've not forgiven the hurt of the past or is there someone somewhere you're going to fall on when you leave him?
The truth is that, we all deserve better in life and if you feel you're not happy in that marriage anymore, then bring it up to him on a discussion and then take a walk
and do that officially.
Most importantly, let the bride price be returned.
Don’t force the love then. How can one love someone that inflicts pain on them? Just continue doing ur own thing. If the love comes back, fine, if not, don’t beat urself over it. This is absolutely no fault of urs
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteThis life ehn..it is well.. Please, try and discuss better with your man than trying to do what will later make u look stupid.
But sincerely, it's so bad when a man decides to turn his wife into punching bag.
Sorry I understand how you feel. Please try to the reason you agree to marry him and bring the love back again since he has stopped the domestic violence. If you don't have children it's easy to leave but if you have leaving will be difficult. Peace
ReplyDeleteThis is sad.
ReplyDeleteCan you talk about this with him and see a counselor together?
May the Lord turn things around for good for you both. Amen.
I read this, imagining myself wear this hard shoe.
ReplyDeletePlease seek help. Your children need to be raised by a "Whole mother". You heart is broken and it will be affecting things at home beyond your imagination.
Both of you need counseling, please talk to him about it. You need to heal from the deep wounds and he needs to be truly repentant of what he did. E-hugs to you.
Truly they need the counseling... But naija men no Dey believe in counseling.
DeletePoster I feel for you. And it's normal not to feel love for someone who abused you. If I were in your shoes, I most probably would leave the marriage after making sure I've arranged my finances and such.
However, if you're not in a position to leave, and your husband is remorse, try look into counseling like Engraced said. Even if you can get individual counseling for yourself alone, it will help you to have a clearer view of your situation and how you can move forward. Ndo.
He stopped beating you but is he making up for those times by loving you ,respecting you, being romantic, talking sweetly to you and about you when outside? Work on your marriage.
ReplyDeleteHmmmmm
DeleteI have surgical scars on my body all these years later. Everything is healed but the scars remain. Your husband harmed you terribly and while the pain has healed the scars remain. The cells in your body remember who he is. Maybe you still walk on eggshells or fear him subconsciously, you cannot love him because you still live in the same environment where all his cruelty took place. All the walls, curtains and furniture still carry the memories every time you see them and touch them they do not sing joy but sorrow.
ReplyDeleteIt is funny how men think. That a man who beat you like an outcast for two solid years can stop and expect you to just switch back on. Even you there desperate to love him again. What did he think would happen when he was beating the bejesus out of you. The wages of sin is death. He beat you and the love died. His sins ruined his life, now he gets to live in a dead marriage without passion, joy or love. The wages of sin is death!
Poster this. She needs to leave the environment or better still get out of the marriage. Like I keep saying the KIDS WILL BE FINE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
DeleteLolll I pity the man who thinks he can raise his hands on me.
DeleteI will ensure he lives the rest of his life as a dead man.
You are not alone..I'll make sure I destroy his material things physically first so e go pain am.too
DeleteMadam, if he has not been bad or worse since the beating stopped, open your heart to love
ReplyDeleteIt could be colder outside though it be warmer. Outside is a gamble also.
I think this new anthem of 'there's nothing outside' or anything condemning outside if the trick to bring an end to some people living in a bondage and war kind of marriage.
DeleteIf not that some people are cursed, why'd you beat your partner and still sleep with your two eyes closed around them without being scared of getting harmed
If you resolve at seeing a therapist, make sure he gets one as well
Felicity
@felicity thank you oh. They keep saying nothing is outside. BIG LIE. There's LOVE outside. That statement is BONDAGE. God help poster. But if the love doesn't come back, don't blame yourself at all. Just leave the environment so the trauma stops resurfacing.
DeleteJeez @anon 15:54 I'd rather stay outside with nothing in it and be free than to live in bondage with this kind of pain in my heart.
DeleteI know I'd separate the first day my future husband might want to be crazy enough to raise his hands on me. That marriage fit end there and then oh.
Marriage is a lot of work ma. As much as i do not support divorce, if you believe you genuinely can't put in the effort to required to make your home work, please leave your marriage. Your spouse has seemingly realized his error and is working on it like you said. He cannot do it on his own alone. But if that is too much for you, please walk out. Do realize however, that there's nothing out there.
ReplyDeleteBIG LIE. There's LOVE, PEACE & JOY out there.
Delete18:21, don't mind him
DeleteThat is the line they use to keep ignorant women in bondage.
"Nothing dey outside"
The man did not ask for forgiveness for all he did to her, he just stopped maltreating her and continued like nothing happened.
I know she cannot leave (her tone says it) and it is paining me.
Plenty dey outside for those women that have sense.
I believe you best know whether or not he has genuinely changed,and to what degree and if it's an issue you can discuss with him if indeed he's really changed🤔.
ReplyDeleteBut I would advise you first see a counsellor/therapist and commence sessions with them first before you get your husband involved....as you go further,you would know when to get your hubby involved or even your therapist could counsel you on that.
But begin your healing process first before bringing back the past with your hubby....has he ever apologised for the past since his change?this could also be why the pain is still deeply lingering with you.
May God help you in situation like this and fills your heart with love.
ReplyDelete🤗🤗🤗
ReplyDeleteHealing from above on you Sis. Kindly talk to him and tell him how you feel, if it's something you guys can work on then please do but if you can't then walk away.
ReplyDeletePlease don’t talk to him. Am scared he might start beating you again, since you no longer love him or even kill you. If you must talk to him, move out, work on your mindset and safety for you and your kids, let him earn and build that positive relationship with you again. If you can get counseling together, please do.
ReplyDeleteMove out keh!
DeleteDey play
Awww so sorry😔, just take your time OK.
ReplyDeleteMadam, married people sometimes fall out of love! Yes, it's not abnormal but yours is peculiar because he hurt you with DV. I urge you to have a "tete' atete" with your hubby since you said He has stopped the DV. Then truly forgive me and put the hurt in the trash-bin of life. Open your heart so he can come in because I guess you locked him out of your heart. You both can get intentional about spicing things up. I have been married for over 13 years so I somehow understand. Merciful God will come through for your marriage.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry poster, maltreatment of any kind is bad I'm watching the movie last kingdom a princess is being maltreated by her prince husband, she was taken into hostage where a tyrant saw her beautiful and liked her my pple she fell in love o.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone inflict any manner of scar on your soul you ll likely switch out, poster you can kindly tell him that all those times he beats you that you felt somehow let him see in a way that you re sad, cc from him of he can at least tell you sorry that will decide whatever action you can take, it's not easy for someone that shld protect you to be doing this to you hear from him
This is so sad to read,poster e hugs.🤗🤗🤗. I pray you find healing and total forgiveness for your husband.
ReplyDeletePlease discuss about this with your husband, let him win you over but if he cannot please leave the marriage before you become depressed. If is not working, you try to make it work but is not working please walk away
ReplyDeleteDoes she sound like she wants to leave? She didn't leave When they were beating her, na now she wan leave ?
DeletePoster, you didn't say if he is showering you with love now or just acting as if nothing happened. Most times, violent or abusive husbands never say sorry for all the pains inflicted on their wives. To them,it's normal for women to bear the pains and just move on with life and marriage. That's why you see them online trivialising domestic abuse with comments like fight for your marriage, pray for your husband to change, stay for the kids,nothing dey outside etc. They forget that women never forget and they are waiting for him at old age when she will then show him her kind of revenge. Ask those men that are being dealt with by their wives and kids at old age.
ReplyDeletePoster,to avoid unnecessary bitterness, just leave the marriage and start afresh if you can. Being bitter and angry all the time at one particular person is detrimental to your physical and mental health. If he is actually repentant and went to make things work, pls go for counselling.
It goes both ways, women showing men in their old age and vice versa
Delete18:23, in this case, it is the man who did bad, he shall be shown shege
DeleteLove is an action word.
ReplyDeleteIf you don’t want to be in the marriage anymore then don’t but if you still want to make your marriage work, then ‘love’ him.
Find out his love language and love him
Pls forgive him and learn to love again.its not gonna be easy but with time things will get better again. Above all,be prayerful. A marriage/home without prayers,is like a farmer going into a farmland without farming implements.May God grant you more wisdom to tackle the challenges before you.
ReplyDeletePoster I understand how you feel and honestly your feelings are valid. Like how can you inflict pains on someone you claim to love. If I were you I would have cheated the hell out of him and even dash him another man children. Idiotic somebody.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this, my darling. Did you ever really love your husband or was it the usual excitement of compatibility most people mistake for love? I ask because if you ever truly love a person, that love never dies, at worst, it becomes latent. Buried deep within the hurt. Under the right circumstances and with the right mindset or headspace, that love can be reactivated.
ReplyDeleteOf course, it's improbable to be expected to still have emotional closeness to a spouse who abused you physically or otherwise. Personally, a slap is one slap too many but it appears you endured the period of domestic violence for whatever reason(s). Why did he stop, though? Is this a cooling off period or has he seen the errors of his ways? You have to be sure which it is so you don't invest emotionally in what shouldn't be.
If you still want to give it another try, you have to start by communication. You have to have a serious talk with your hubby. Let him know how you feel, he response will give you a clue if the marriage is worth salvaging. Cut off all forms of intimacy for now and build on friendship first. It's like starting all over, but BOTH of you must be willing to make this work. As you build your friendship, it will gradually become easier to forgive him and the closeness will return.
As time goes on, you will begin to develop sexual attraction and may even end up loving each other more than you guys ever did. It's not an overnight event, it takes time, years even. As long as both of you want your marriage to work, there's hope yet. Counselling by a certified psychologist will be of immense benefit.
Your spirit is broken, sweetheart, even on the road to recovery he may do something that may inadvertently trigger the old feelings, that's absolutely normal. Just keep working on getting better. I hope your hubby will be willing to fight to get you back as well. That will make it a lot easier. I truly wish you the best, don't lose hope and don't do too much too soon. Take time to heal properly.
e-hugs and kisses.
Did you ever love your husband?
DeleteWrong question for a woman that was abused for two years.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Very stupid comment. Did u ever really love your husband. How about shutting up if you don’t have any to write that acting stupidly intelligent when u clearly are dumb
DeleteSo this is an advise from someone who experienced domestic violence for the same two yrs and is divorced. Now in my case, I saw a man that wouldn’t change but wanted me to deflate his anger etc so he made it my fault that he was violent. Secondly I got more info, that is who he was with other women. I also read books about narcissism and he fit into the profile. On divorce, I have only one child, so know that it was easier to up and go. Secondly I have a supportive family and a job. Know that society does frown on divorced women, reason I relocated outside Nigeria. If he is willing to communicate, is deeply sorry and ready to go to therapy and change. I suggest you try that. Divorce is not easy. I do not regret it, I just wish he didn’t give me that only choice. If you need space that is also something he should be willing to give you, but too much space is also not good.
ReplyDeleteStella you say make she leave and stop living like that?
ReplyDeleteSomeone that did not leave when they were punching her like bag, she did not leave before she started having kids , she didn't leave when she had only one kid, she didn't leave when she was younger, it is now, after how many years , advanced age, kids and punching has stopped that you think she will leave? She goeth no where.
Poster, keep managing the marriage like that you hear? By now, you should have fallen in love with the little things in marriage or big things like your kids(according to Lady Featherinton in Bridgerton season one). Fall in love wit your kids and let them motivate you to remain there, since he doesn't beat you anymore.
If he is doing everything and has changed, then it is the best time to separate from him.Start a secret affair, then leave with him with your children.
ReplyDeleteHe is a useless good for nothing idiot.
Stop listening to men saying...nothing dey outside. These are men that have dealt with their wives and want to be forgiven. Take a chance and walk. Walk away.
Secret affair comes with its own torment, not everyone likes keeping secrets of such nature, hiding a relationship from her growing children will become more difficult as they develop. They will hate her when they find out and inadvertently they may tell her husband. Who even know how many diseases the secret lover will be carrying, Abi it is not an exclusive relationship na. Even the risk of blackmail sef join. Wo, madam... you need a spark of romance to ignite your home again jor, all this story about past DV is playing on your mind because something is missing at home, Abi one bobo dey tell you sweet things for corner!
Delete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣so he beat the love out of you.... Pele...
ReplyDelete