Hmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
THE END OF THE ROAD
I've been married for 7 yrs with 3 kids. I no longer love my husband. After my 2nd child I stopped being s#xually attracted to him.
We would go on for 5 months without being intimate. We would quarrel and he will keep malice with me for several weeks.
He graduated to calling me names such as zombie, animal,senseless etc.
One time he travelled for 3 days without calling us. He has hit me once in the course of our marriage. We have only had s#x once this year and this was in January.
It has been one quarrel or the other plus plenty malice. Middle of May he started coming to me for s#x and I refused him since then because he irritates me now and I no longer have feelings for him.
I told him why I don't feel like having s#x with him anymore via whatsapp and he apologised on his whatsapp. He has never opened his mouth to say sorry to me. Up till now I don't feel anything for him and he keeos coning to me for s#x.
I am beginning to have panic attacks. I've made up my mind that im leaving the marriage ,i just want my kids to be a bit older. The last one is going to 4years. Who else here has stopped loving her husband. How did you cope?
You no longer love your husband ,, he iriiitates you, you no longer allow him touch or fulfil conjugal stuff but you are still there and wait to wait for your kids to be older? You are a big Joke!
When he cheats now you will start shouting that he has cheated on you....If you are tired and dont want to put in any efforts to make it work then LEAVE NOW.... Staying because of the kids, damages thembecause the environment is toxic wth the malice and name calling.
Stella has finished talk.
ReplyDeleteThe kids know when there is love in the home and otherwise.
And while he was doing all the things you mentioned, you didn't do anything to him ?
DeleteIt's high time you left that marriage if you don't feel any tiny weeny thang for him anymore
DeleteDo you!
I don’t think “offering sex and cheating” are even the issues
DeleteYou people should realize that there are types of trauma that doesn’t even care about sex or cheating.
They need to get to the root of the matter and fix what is broken.
Push up (original)
Thank you.
DeleteSaint Gwenoski ...
DeleteIt’s your decision
ReplyDeleteStay till you feel like leaving
Poster why did you allow it fester till this point? I don't see when you tried to resolve this issue when it was rearing its ugly head? Why did you not involve a professional counsellor, yours/his parents or someone who he deeply respects? Look if you feel the kitchen is too hot, then you get out...Don't raise your kids in such toxic environment.
DeleteYou people have to sit and talk
DeleteYou are grown adults, one doesn’t have to keep malice to punish the other or keep sex away
Communicate your feelings and you both should stop throwing tantrums.
Most people underestimate the power of communication, without it no marriage can work. Communication was one thing God used to cause disunity between those at the Tower of Babel.
Writing this chronicle means you want a resolve either working on making it work or leaving…
The same way you sent him a WhatsApp message, tell him you both need to talk
Set out an hour for this, sit talk and give time to hear each party out, listening attentively, write down each and everything the other is saying they don’t like, apologized deeply and look for better ways not to repeat those things.
It will take a while but with determination you would see results.
Push up (original)
Love is a decision. It’s not a feeling. Know this and know peace
Delete17:14 love is not a decision
DeletePastors preach that so you can stay when love and respect have left the room
For God so loved the world nut for God decided to love the world
At anon 18:22 Thank you oh. Why must we remain in bondage
DeleteIt's well ooo
ReplyDeleteWith what I have been reading lately from women about marriage and on how they want to leave cos they no longer love their spouse. I think I now understand better why foreign marriages are a bit better and different.
ReplyDeleteWhen you stop loving someone, there should be a reason in doing that.
Has he stop what he was doing that killed the love?
Did you accept his apology?
You women should be giving full details to your narrative so we can get a clearer picture and on how best to advise.
I don't think you understand the chronicle. Pls read it again.
DeleteI've realized it takes time for a woman to give up on a man. But once she does, it will take prayer and fasting to get her back. The men don't seem to realize this.
Why do you keep calling your wife names and expect her to be chummy with you once you want to make love? It doesn't follow like that. Once a woman disconnects, it is well.
What is you women? Address the poster that posted.
DeleteI will suggest you both go for therapy because it seems asking for forgiveness and doing you right is the main problem.
ReplyDeleteYou know were the shoe pinches you the most,if therapy wont work,it's better you leave now before the devil whispers that you kill him.
People should keep treating their spouses badly oh. Don’t just start crying rubbish when they fall out of love with u
ReplyDeletewhat is really wrong with women now? I have been reading chronicles about women being tired of marriage? Husbands and wives, look for ways to spice up your marriage and not work work everytime because it brings stress.
ReplyDeleteIf you decide to divorce and marry again, wont you be tired after 5years?
Its true it can be tiring but when your mind is made that you want to grow old together, nothing stops it.
Women that are tired of marriage, please, when you separate or divorce your husbands, dont go after married men ooooo
At your last paragraph, e reach to shout ooo cos there is where a good number of them headed to😂😂😂
DeleteAnd some will head to as well.
A lot of people divorced and are married to their soul mate.
DeleteYou can try once twice or thrice.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
They will go after married men and become side hens… they become what they disliked or like Carolyn, begin to pine after the ex even if he has moved on. Wanting to complicate things. If he isn’t abuding you stay. I read a book many years ago “love is a feeling to be learned” and from Indian culture of arranged marriages realize that you can choose to love if you wish to. Poster talk to him and see if you can both work on your marriage.
DeleteHmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteYou better forgive him and make peace. This will only drain you and cause damage to your children.
Did you ever speak with a doctor to determine the sudden lack of interest in intimacy? You really do not want to be touched to the point that you are now getting panic attacks, that is extreme. I do not think even he realizes how truly disinterested you are. I am not sure if you have any feelings for him anymore. I would say get some medical intervention so that even if you do leave the marriage you will be receptive sexually to a future partner. You haven’t said you never want to have sex ever again in your lifetime and you seem still quite young, since your youngest is but four. So you may be open to remarrying if you quit this one, so go get checked out. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about these things, they are so facts based and problem solving minded that they don’t have time to judge you no matter how embarrassing you think it is to bring up.
ReplyDeleteI even feel it may be postpartum depression, that thing can switch emotions, hormones and feelings, it can make you feel numb for a long period and if you don’t have a supportive partner you can communicate with and who wants to help you out of it, it will drain your marriage.
DeletePush up (original)
Anon,u have my heart ...alot if these problems are medical.stella I don't completely agree with your red pen today oh! D beginning was quite harsh.i say this cos I ve met alot of people suffering this same thing and as d anon up there said,it could be medical sometimes,fear also plays a part especially bcos he has hit her b4,wat of d name calling?dat also can break her.so imagine a man doing these things and still coming for sex.without even doing d usual apology and lovey dovey.this poster is damaged emotionally I wish she can communicate this to her husband so he understands how to help her .men in naija no dey go therapy forgerit. but to save this marriage,they nid more than that
DeleteYou women should stop using men.Leave if you no longer love the man or you’re tired of the marriage instead of waiting till you achieve some sort of stability by using the man, thereby creating a hateful environment that leads to domestic violence and sometimes death.Leave the moment you realize you are tired.Men become violent when they realize they have been used
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean by women should stop using men? Does raising the children together with their father means he's being used? Tufiakwa!
DeleteThey can raise the kids together far apart from each other.If she doesn’t love him anymore she needs to leave him alone so he can find someone to love else that can love him instead of raising the kids in his house.she can do that elsewhere
DeleteYou are not getting it, do you? No one is being used when it involves raising the children. It could happen together or separately, it is their responsibilities to raise the children.
DeleteNo matter how it is seen, there is an element of using in this narrative.
DeleteShe got tired of the marriage after the second child. But a third child came. She is still there waiting for the children to be all independent of her direct care before taking them away from their father. At that time, she would still ask the father to pay for their care.
So what is the man's gain in the marriage. No s#x, no companionship, no children at an age when a fresh start for the man could be an uphill task.
See up @16:38 where a BV said the whole issue may have resulted from post partum challenges not understood and therefore not well managed.
In all, the Poster presented the case as only the fault of the man. No where did she say her efforts to repair the marriage.
Is the man not using her too?
DeleteThe man is using her until he gets someone better or falls in love with another woman.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
How is the man using her?he’s not the one that doesn’t love his partner anymore it’s the other way round.He’s not the one waiting for their kids to grow older to the point where she can leave them and gallivant up and down before she leaves the man.the wife obviously doesn’t want the marriage anymore but is using the man to raise the kids and waste his time
DeleteHope he is not trying to give you a disease. Same line of chronicle from yesterday. I think women that wants to leave but can't is because of money. if they had their money they would leave the marriage, they will leave that man but they stay because they want him to continue to cater for the children at least that's what I believe. Poster, while you are waiting,try to find something doing,if he wants to have intercourse,let him do test to prove he has no disease.
ReplyDeleteI agree, disease test is in order
DeleteWether man or woman, please leave whenever you are tired or don’t love your partner anymore.Irrespective of financial status,leave.poster said she’s waiting for her kids to grow older,if he kills you before your kids grow older nko?
ReplyDeleteE reach to ask 😂
DeleteYour marriage lacks proper channels of communication. It takes two people to keep malice. You are also keeping malice not only your husband. Both you and your husband are very immature. Madam you never ready for marriage.
ReplyDeleteI hate weak people.
Not just weak alone, I also see pride in both of them. Only pride can sustain long period of malice..
DeleteI do like to read some of your comments, but trust me you will never understand until you marry someone who is immature. In many cases , it does not take two people to keep malice. I could have sworn i sent this in, but in my case i have not stopped loving him though i wish for a separation which will happen if he does not stop keeping malice at every little thing. I can say we are blessed in every way, lovely young children, financially, can afford to holiday anywhere in the world, citizens of a great country, wonderful family man and a great husband aside this malice thing. It is exhausting being married to someone that keeps malice especially when you
Deleteare very close to your spouse and the other party does not know how to keep malice. I kind of see it has a disorder/mental illness
16:39
DeleteFrom experience, it is a behaviour (habit) acquired from parents. It becomes like any other habit. I know a man whose wife is curing him of it. What she does is to ignore and continuing doing what has kept the marriage going. He usually comes around quicker.
Again, learn to stop doing those things the man has said to stop. The act of doing or saying or repeating what a man does not like and has explained his dislike triggers malice because the man sees it as very disrespectful and deliberately provocative especially if the man is not violent.
Hello. Believe me when I say it does not take two people to keep malice. My husband keeps malice too. Initially I will go and beg and cry.
DeleteAfter a while, I got tired and stopped. Omo, The last one was 5v weeks and I did not flinch. He later tried talking and I acted as if i was not ready to talk. He then noticed and said he wanted a divorce. I asked him to go ahead. After houndering him to divorce me as I was tired, He then opened up and started talking.
Still, my heart is not 100 percent settled with him. I am still cautious because it has happened one too many times.
My husband is the sweetest man I know but I also know that the malice can end our marriage.
Mma Nwachukwu
Malice is psychological abuse and a form of control to get someone to toe your line. Some friends & In-laws too use malice or exclusion to control the behavior of whoever they want to fall in line. My SILs do it to me. Keep malice, ignore when I greet, photographer excluded me at family events etc until they access money or whatever they want. A malice keeper is an emotional abuser.
DeleteOP gave a one sided narration. In 7 years your spouse hit you once. Within that 7 years according to your own words, malice graduated to insults. So in order words, your husband wasn't like that from the beginning. What changed? Madam record keeper.
ReplyDeleteIn all of what you listed, you failed to mention where you have gone wrong. You are also a contributor to the failure of your marriage. If there is dispute in your home what moves do you make for peace? If your husband keeps malice, you follow him keep it. He traveled for 3 days without calling, you didn't bother to call him to find out if anything had gone wrong with him. Tit for tat has destroyed so many homes.
You appear to be an unusually bitter person. You should not by any means be allowed to raise those children on your own. In all conflict, there should be channels for resolution. Where one party refuses to even contemplate exploring those channels, we can confidently know who is the root of the problem in the marriage.
If you think love is all that makes a marriage work, you are a child. Madam! Grow up! I'm sick and tired of this epidemic of weak women making up excuses to leave their homes. Rubbish!
One hit is enough to end a marriage pls
DeleteStop trying hard to normalize abuse
DeleteYou can try it. Keep malice with your spouse at every little thing, call her names always and hit her once, and expect wonders in bed and more love from her.
DeleteSome of you expect women to always bend over backwards for you, but you are not even willing to try to understand women. It doesn't work that way.
16:49, True. But she stayed on to get three children - Has she condoned?
DeleteIs it not equally true that she told a very one sided story which tell more than she intended to tell?
I saw that too. Husband travelled and didn't call you and you were not even worried he may have had an accident and died on the way. Three whole days not knowing how your husband was,no matter the issue. It takes two to tango. You cannot be like the person you are complaining about and expect change.
Delete17:44 so she should have left and start looking for sperm yo have a kid
Delete20:34
DeleteWhy would she want to bear more of his children. A man she so hate. She didn't worry that his character could be genetic.
That is why she is called a user by a Bv. When she wanted the second and third child it was okay to dey with her husband. Now she has her full quota she cannot dey with her husband. To top it she is waiting for the children to get to 10, 7, and 4 years or more before she takes them away.
We should expect that Bvs are adult enough to read a post well.
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteWhat has changed? I am sure you married this man because you love him. So, why the irritation? Is it mutual on his part too?
Have a one on one talk, face to face talk with your husband. Communication does wonders in a relationship. Sit down and air your mind. Make sure you bare it all out. He keeps malice, yes. Who doesn't?
Have you also looked at it from his angle? No one is perfect, not even you. Have you even thought about what and how he is feeling too, especially with the sex rejection? Men have ego, and denying them sex does some negative things to them.
I am talking as a married woman. There are times that you feel like, "what am I doing here?". But communication helps. If possible, go on a date, then also pray together.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE. YOU CAN MAKE IT WORK. Let joy and sweetness return to your union. Receive grace in Jesus name.
How do you know authoritatively that there is nothing wrong with her marriage? Na wa for you
DeleteHow much do you know about foreign marriages and their divorce rate?
ReplyDeleteHmmmmm..Aunty, u are weak..
ReplyDeletePlease work on yourself and take the best decision that suits you.
When all these thing dey sele, wetin u do ma?
She’s weak ke
DeleteBia pinky 🤣🤣
You have been saying some things way no jig of recent
Push up (original)
Pinky I don't expect this type of comment from u ,she's weak?abeg abeg abeg.
DeleteWhat kind of comment is this. How did you jump to this conclusion?
DeleteGod, please heal all marriages, men should always love their wives and treat them with respect and fear of God, no woman will want to leave happy marriage.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you're a woman that her husband is treating very well and don't appreciate it, I pray you find what you're looking for outside.
Me I go down bounce you commot for my house tey tey..
ReplyDeleteUna go just wake up say Una Don fall out of love begin behave like ogbanje, come dey frustrate the man until he insult you or hits you and then destroy his image and reputation.. can never be me..
I go send you and your ogbanje back to your papa house..
Nonsense
😂😂😂
DeleteWhere have thou been? 😂
DeleteHe beat her and she’s still bleeding
DeleteDon’t beat your woman and you won’t have to chase her out
Are you afraid of your husband? Why don't you have a face to face communication with your husband and tell him where it hurts instead of using SM as a medium. They were you guys are keeping malice is making me believe that there was never anything called love between you two.
ReplyDeleteWhenever there is issue why does running away always come to our minds? Where exactly are you running to? As long as you are on this planet called earth" problem must always come" according to my kid sis.
There is no perfect marriage (but you can make it perfect for you)
Marriage isn't a bed of roses but you can pick the roses and pour on your bed.
Abeg I never marry, make Una no spoil my imagination of a sweet peaceful loving marriage.
🚶🚶🚶
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is poverty speaking not a reasonable, mature or exposed mind, money cannot cover up a lack of sensitivity, kindness or character, please Sir sit this one out
Delete👍
Delete@16:53
DeleteVery true is your comment. Especially the part about marrying a woman to better her life. Most times, it brings great disappointment. After upgrading her taste, she wants more than you can provide. Paid for madam's School cert exams, she came back with a midnight (12.30 - 1am+) behind closed door telephone chat mate. Paid for her to go collect her vocational training certificate, she came back with another early morning (5am - 6am) telephone chat mate. When she asked for Poly school fees, told her to work, save and pay for it as what would happen is already foreseen. Can't fit use money to buy heart ache. Let her use her money to buy the life style she wants. At least, nobody stopped her from working or going to school.
Very well said Ma'am Stella.
ReplyDeleteMay God heal all troubled marriages
ReplyDeleteAmen. 🙏🏽
DeleteThis how people break other people and cause them to snap. This abuse is what causes people to become mentally ill and have problems such as schizophrenia. We need to be very careful about the way we handle people. How can you refuse someone their right because of how you feel and refuse to leave. I suggest you take yourself and your husband for therapy. You don’t even know what you are doing to your innocent kids who are watching you.
ReplyDeleteAhhh schizophrenia on top sex?? Ahhhh 😳
DeleteThe day my wife layed uninterested during sex with her, that's like after months of starving me of sex, that day I hated myself. The woman you once neglected her small standards have all of a sudden doesnt find you attractive anymore bcos money no dey. the country hard she knows that but you see She and her kids, Oga you gats find way provide ooo.
ReplyDeleteyou didn't tell us that your marriage has been like this from day one if things were moving fine but suddenly things changed. then you need to communicate with your husband about things you do not understand. That is why they say marry your friend so that communication can be very easy.
ReplyDeleteNothing is wrong with your marriage, except the absence of communication, forgiveness and commitment from you!
ReplyDeleteDenying a man sex will make him frustrated. You are complaining of his reaction and not your action.
Be wise, your panic attacks is an indication you are doing something wrong which is killing you inside. You hate to admit your role in your misery.
You know deep down, you will regret the decision to leave your marriage. You will end up tolerating foolishness from the men that will approach/date you post divorce.
Play your part and work on your marriage. Learn to take responsibility for your actions and stop this victimhood mentality.
If you leave your husband, he will move on! Be ready for that.
He will move on to abuse about woman! You forgot to add that! And so what if he moves on?? You guys act like women also won’t move on especially when we no longer feel the same anymore and guy man’s not making jack sh*t effort! That’s enough reason to move on abeg. She’s looking for action from his side and he’s yet to show this side. So what exactly is she missing??? I’m confused here.
DeleteD way spouses fall in and out of love in marriage dey make me feel cold for marriage
ReplyDeleteWhat did your husband do to offend you?
ReplyDeleteNothing.
You made your grievances known to you via WhatsApp and he apologised via WhatsApp. You know you could talk to him face to face also instead of WhatsApp.
I don't understand you sha.
I talk to mine face to face and he says I’m manipulative or chasing after him. Yes mine keeps malice and uses sex as a tool as well. He doesn’t communicate with me and I learnt how to keep malice since I married him. I don’t feel anything during sex and I wish we could just cuddle and talk but he doesn’t like it, so I have left him emotionally so I can be sane. I felt I was going mad but since being in therapy, I know now that I’m not mad we just don’t speak the same language. Hang in there beautiful lady.
DeleteYou didn’t see that he beat her of beating is okay with you
Delete@anon 20:31
DeleteShe should leave the marriage and let the man move on with his life.
Anon 19:50, how did that work out for you? I’m also in this same situation. He’s not big on emotions and cuddles and I love that aspect. So how does he show your love language? . I’ve disconnected emotionally from him because of this. How did you get past this aspect? Please respond I take God beg you. 🙏🏽 I plan on seeing a therapist myself but still looking for one. marriage is toughhhh.
DeleteAnon 19:50 the poster's husband is not your husband na.
DeleteDid the poster say that her husband continued the abuse after he apologised? Your own husband did not even apologise but said you are manipulative instead.
Let her leave the marriage now if she wants to.
@ Anon: 03:51 therapy is a great tool especially in situations like this so you don’t lose your mind it helps to put things in perspective for you so you know if you are over extending yourself or too expectant. Men should naturally want to get to a place where they are the ones who really want to save the marriage if you are the one doing the saving, you would be very miserable. So, since I learnt to keep the same malice he keeps and that’s not who I am, I lost the essence of who I am hence why I was filled with rage and bitterness therapy has helped me understand that I’m taking on another persons bad tendencies.
DeleteAlso, I have learnt to focus on myself and the kids the only issue here is I don’t know if I can forgive him in old age( God keeping us). He seems to not understand anything emotionally I go through pregnancy alone and that alone is a big - in my heart for him. I know I still care about him in my heart, but that intense feeling I use to have has become very dull like a little throbbing pain that just reminds me every time why I went with him.
Marriage is indeed tough, very few men are willing to work on themselves and the foundation they saw their parents marriage laid on. And if your husband uses malice on his mom as a boy, he would do same to you mine refuses to eat as well it used to hurt me, but now I tell myself it’s a little boy in him which he hasn’t tamed revolting.
Please take good care of yourself because if you depart this world, he would marry another.
Do your best to do your responsibilities and work on you and take all expectations away and build you.
Peace of Christ be with you.
Poster please take it easy, put your marriage in prayer, talk to elderly person to speak to him, i truly understand you when you mentioned that malice part, my husband was like that, he can keep malice for life, before i will be crying begging him for his wrong doing, i just stopped not to beg him anymore after the last one that lasted for 3 months, i cooked and served his meal if he like eat if you don't like live it, he no body tell am he changed took the whole family for vacation and since then oga malice no pass, he will come around to beg.
ReplyDeleteCan you imagine, a man keeping malice for 3 months. You’re strong emotionally but I also don’t blame you. You got tired of the nonsense and damn whatever happens. Most these naija men are so immature emotionally.
DeleteYou even try to serve his meal. Cook and let him serve his damn self. Glad it worked out for you sha because I no fit abeg.
DeleteVery toxic. Leave now. Since you are not prepared to make it work. Marriage isn’t a joke nor is it easy but you’re not prepared to put in the work. Leave. Keeping malice and denying someone there right
ReplyDeleteYou started resenting him when he hit you. He is a physical and emotional abuser.
ReplyDeleteI have no pity for men who abuse women.
Do whatever you want to do.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Marriage is an institution that can never be studied the same way by all the students. Sometimes these occurrences could be a phase. Please seek a counsellor. I wish you the best
ReplyDeleteYou guys think these men are open to counseling??? They’re too stubborn
DeleteHmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteJust go and try another husband, and when you are done? Any time you are done with your experiment? Try your luck if coming back would be your best option then and hope he takes you back as wife number two.
ReplyDeletePoster are you me? Exact same crap I dealt with until I gave him fire to fire and he couldn’t take it anymore so he stopped. Next argument, I was ready for him hmmm. On my end, I got really emotionally damaged because I didn’t grow up in that type of background and upbringing. We don’t fight dirty anymore because I started focusing on me instead of the marriage. I’ve lost 20pds and sleeping much better. I’m just slowly healing now and I don’t feel the same anymore. One thing. These men don’t realize is that women are emotional being we take so much crap over and over but when we’re done done with the relationship, it’s a wrap unless God himself intervenes and specifically tell you say make una make am work biko. Another reason why some of us don’t leave also kids are involved & attached to their dad/finances/love of course. I used to be so much in love with him, his swag, big D, but now I don’t even have interest and I don’t look at him the same way anymore. A man should be your protector after God but some of them just don’t get it. Told him I want marriage counseling but he adamantly refused and we both find it difficult to communicate our feelings. So I have stopped making effort and we just focus on the kids and smiling for my kids sake because they’re so attached to their dad. He’s a good provider and caters to their needs but not so much on the emotional aspect so I try as much as possible to make sure they’re good. I’m responsible for the kids I brought into this world so I need to make sure they have a safe environment and emotionally strong and stable mother. You owe that to them and let them know Christ if you’re a Christian. Do whatever you have to do poster, start saving as much as you can and just know that if things don’t change, in your mind, you plan on separating because lord knows emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse! Separation is allowed but you can’t remarry as long as he’s alive. That’s where the challenge comes in. And some say masturbation is a sin 🤷🏽♀️ how biko? Because I haven’t seen a verse in the Bible that says it’s a sin🤷🏽♀️ Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeleteLove only does not sustain marriage, it got to point the love wax cold.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is work. You have to work on your marriage to succeed.
I will not encourage you to walk out of your home, but if you need to see a counsellor please do. If you need to take a vacation please do. Going on vacation does not mean you have to travel outside the country, you can travel to your home (village/parent) change environment with agreement with your husband.
Dont allow your husband test outside, you might not be able to win him back - I wish you all the best.