Hmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
ADVICE NEEDED
Hi Stella,
I'd like an advise on something.
I grew up in isolation. My parents hardly let us go out to play and I guess I'm used to it. I really appreciate my space and like being alone. On the other hand, my husband grew up in a family setting. They have a mansion and used to have visitors. So he's used to having people around.
He might be discussing with someone and just invite them and then tell me about it later. We stay in the UK and flats in UK are rather small in size. So I feel people are up in my face and I feel my privacy is being taken from me.
I also have anxiety when someone is coming over and feel like leaving the house.
My issue is that he concludes arrangements with people that wanna visit and/or sleep over without at least asking me if I'm okay with it and I'm expected to host them.
I talked to him about it and he asked if he needs my permission to invite people over. I just feel I should be included and my opinion should be sought for.
Please no bashing and insults. I just want to know if I'm wrong and how to deal with this please. Sometimes when they visit, I just stay in the room most of the times as I might not be in the mood to talk and this makes my husband and probably the visitor uncomfortable.
This is the only thing that bothers me always. I don't know if it's anxiety disorder.
*Your husband should not invite people over without asking or discussing it with you first...... I am also like you and dont like surprises when it comes to visits.....
ou are not wrong in feeling this way!
He needs to understand your kind of person. You both need to strike a balance, cos he would also be irritated or bored if no visitors come around.
ReplyDeleteExactly, we'll said.
DeleteIf you keep talking it out you will seem like a nag
DeleteSo simply send him a text really breaking things down and let him know you are open to talking further but you needed to get your point across without feeling unheard.
I wish you the best cus some of these men can trigger someone
Push up (original)
I understand his point. It depends on what angle you approached him from. Sit him down and explain it like you wrote up there. Tell him you understand tHts his personality but it makes you feel uncomfortable and that he has to be considerate of your feelings as your husband who loves you and you will be appreciative. Think of something he doesn’t like and you always change for him it as an attack oh but something small you can use as example. Remind him marriage is about comprosmise
DeleteI’m not sure the poster is an introvert. She may simply need to get comfortable with being around his circle of friends, at least you work with people. I think the issue may be that the guests aren’t friends to BOTH of you, they are his. Identify the real issues here.
DeleteIf the anxiety is from your subconscious discomfort with the guests due to not being close to them he can help you get comfortable with them. I don’t mind guests who love both of us staying with me anytime and will go out of my way to make them comfortable but some divisive guests who are bad influences or who badmouth a woman may induce anxiety with frequent visits. I usually get pizza delivered for such guests with unhealthy Coca Cola so they don’t get too comfortable in my home. If the guests are mutual friends or relatives I do extra grocery shopping, cook, I even used to take days off before Uber was introduced to drive them to malls here. I don’t understand why people like to “waka waka” and expect entertainment or hospitality from others unless they reciprocate. I always book hotels (it’s part of the cost of every trip) whenever I travel. It’s only naijas that claim to be on vacation but engage mainly in shopping with their money while free loading on friends & relatives on food & accommodation not caring about any costs or inconvenience to the hosts. That is NOT good. I once had a relative stay over who left a couple of apples as parting gift after I carried her with my car & on my time to the mall for multiple shopping trips during which she spent $thousands.
Stock up on Snacks for them & stay in your room without making an issue of it, pick your battles in life. I don’t see your situation as anxiety disorder or a huge incompatibility.
As far as sleeping over is concerned, your husband sure needs ur permission before he can allow anyone to do that. The apartment belongs to both of u and not just only him. He needs to understand that he alone doesn't get to make decisions that affect ur life
ReplyDeleteYou're very right on this. He needs to tell you of any visitor coming over and not to mention sleeping over.
DeleteYou need to discuss it firmly with him.
Right now, I am in a virtual meeting in the room upstairs and my husband invited a friend over. Kids came up to me to tell me daddy is having a visitor and I should come down to say hello. I showed them my screen nd told them I'm in the meeting. It 4:5, meeting is over but I'm still upstairs with no plans of going to say hello.
DeleteThe point is, he actually has every right to invite his friends over, but if he wants you to host them in any way, he should let you know.
And of course, he must say when a guest is going to spend the night.
Thanks for the relatable example Anon 17:08.
DeletePoster, I sense some fear in your husband. A lot of Nigerian men are paranoid about wives controlling them when they move abroad. He may have viewed your request through that lens and panicked. I’d advise that you communicate in a non-confrontational way, and also effect boundaries (my preference will be to do so silently, like this anon did. ) without saying ‘I will not cater to your guests” like you guys are opponents, just don’t be available to anyone who you were not informed was coming. You know your context best so you can figure out what will work. Wisdom is profitable to direct. I wish you a happy home and the very best. Cheers
Letting you in on his plans concerning inviting people over is the right thing to do...that’s respect. And NO, you are not over reacting. Since he feels he doesn’t need your “permission” to invite anyone over, it shouldn’t be your duty/responsibility to be nice to them, make them feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteNext time when he does that, make sure you don’t come out to say hello, the “embarrassment” will send him a message. If he doesn’t retrace his steps, keep doing that to him.
Sluttychic.
Well said SC. I think women need to be vocal early enough about what we want and need in marriage. It’s not ok to always keep quite and put your husbands need all the time over yours. Meanwhile you are suffering and smiling
DeletePut your food down sis. This is marriage and not slavery. Let him know over and over again. Just be nice and be in control of your emotions when saying it. He would never understand except you tell him so stop bottling up and speak out
Zendaya
Why would anyone bash you for this? Omo e be like we don too dey bash people o
ReplyDeleteYou're not wrong in any way. Your husband should tell you first before inviting anyone over, especially if they're sleeping over.
Since you don’t like people around you why didn’t you marry your kind? Why marry your opposite and wanting to bend him backwards to please you? Did you just know he’s that type of person or you think now you’re married you can no longer tolerate it? Continue...
ReplyDeleteIt’s rude in every shape and form to live with someone and not check with them before extending invitations to others. It’s common courtesy.
DeleteOpposites attract and they can make it. There needs to be balance. Communication and compromise is important here. It should not be everybody coming over at all times. When you are married many things change and this is part of maturity. Both should learn to discuss things with each other before making final decisions, especially when it involves what will affect both of them. Both should seek to understand each other and at least try to meet each other half way.
Deleteyes o, some people are not just courteous. Your husband needs to understand you as well as you understand him. He should come down from his high horse jor.
DeleteWhy did the husband too marry someone like her with the hope of bending her to his taste later? Ehn anon 15:14.
DeleteThis opposite attract nonsense is what I’m also dealing with my hubby. My hubby is not the outgoing type and it drives me crazy. I’m the outgoing type and I’m beginning to resent him because I find him so so boring and he doesn’t excite me. Was initially attracted to his calm nature because I also have my calm side. But it’s getting to me because there’s no passion!!! Abeg make una find your type…similar personalities works better. My sister and her bobo are indoor type and it works so well for them. I’m struggling in mine. Lord help me to balance it. I’m not even as bad as this poster’s husband.
DeleteIt's your kinda person and there are no two ways about it
ReplyDeleteHe should reason with you
Your husband should ask you if it's okay for visitors to come spend some days,it makes you uncomfortable,he needs to understand that it's not right to invite people to come sleep over without your consent,I don't like it ,talk to him about it,yes your permission is needed.
DeleteSome people pick offense at nothing
ReplyDeleteIt makes complete sense to let you know in advance
Don’t fight him. Just keep doing whatever you want when the guests come or come out and greet them and say o my I didn’t know you were coming, I would have ......(cleaned the house, cooked for you or whatever) but I’m doing something inside. I’m sorry once I’m done, I’ll come see you again or I’m sorry I have to be somewhere and head out the door
There’s a cache to this issue.If he tells you about them,you might say no because naturally that is not who you are but you will also be depriving him of being who is really is which is someone that accommodates people.you can tell him that as long as he makes sure the visitors don’t bother you or your space,you are fine with so that he can enjoy his peoples visits and you can enjoy your me time.
ReplyDeleteI was coming to the comment section to type this but you beat me to it. I'm the only introvert in my house amongst 6 siblings. When it comes to having guests I'm exactly like the poster. But my siblings love to bring their friends over. When they do, they usually give me a short notice. That's usually my cue to remain in my room all day. At first it used to bother my siblings, then they were genuinely worried about me (if I had complex issues etc.) But now it doesn't bother them anymore and I keep enjoying my alone time.
DeleteThis thing is like me and my wife.I love to go out but she doesn’t,but when I want to go out she doesn’t like it and she won’t even go out with me.she wants me to be a homebody with her and that’s not me.Marriage is just tolerance first and those other things including love come after.
ReplyDeleteSimilar Situation. Only difference is, he lets me do my own thing and he chills at home. He’s a home buddy type of guy and I love the outdoors.
DeleteYou're not wrong at all poster,marriage is between two people,continue to talk with him about letting you know about any visits. And try to be civil to the visitors,cos,they might not be aware,that your husband did not inform you.
ReplyDeletePoster are you saying you didn't notice this attitude of your husband before you said yes to him, during courtship what did you two talk about, what was the discussion you both have about his attitude.
ReplyDeleteHave you have a heart to heart discussion with him about it. Have you told him you are not a people's person so that he can slow down with inviting people over. You have to talk things over with your husband and awe how you both can reduce your like and dislike to accommodate each other.
Finally, if you need to involve both families to talk about it please do your peace of mind means everything. Remember people who love visitors do not give up just like that but can reduce it.
Even this small thing that needs discussion between 2 of them, u r advising her to go reporting upandan and involve family members? Wow, is that how you involve family in every little issue u have in ur relationships?
DeleteOp, if you have talked and talked, and he doesn’t seem to change, i’d advise u to take it as one of those things u would compromise on, move on, go front, even you, there would be smthn he would have to compromise for u. That is marriage. We all have one, two or more bad habits of our spouses that we tolerate, so also them.
Anon 16:50 👌🏾. Stop inviting family members on both sides to get involved in this sort of issue. Their loyalty is to either of you not BOTH of you. In decades of my marriage, I have never reported my spouse and he hasn’t either. On the issue of visitors, especially here with no maids to prep the guest room, drive them around or cook and clean up after overnight guests, it’s wicked to invite someone to spend the night or weeks without your wife’s approval. If it’s just a couple of hours visit, get snacks and drinks and let him know to tell his guests you are busy in the study or den so you don’t look bad. My wicked in-laws were literally always in my house for years then I moved abroad. First they wanted us to send “tickets” for their visits though they could afford it, then years later they wanted an older sister to live permanently with us in a society where I have no help and worked several hours daily while raising children. Then one of them asked my husband to accommodate her own in-law for a month or so without calling me. When she was eventually forced by my husband to call me, I was honest that I work every time, there will be nobody at home and there are extended stay hotels every 2 miles especially since they had money, were stingy, and hadn’t sent me a N1000 Garri or gala in decades! They no longer talk to me till date but God is the judge.
DeleteLiving your life to please outsiders will not allow you to be happy. Your husband is more understanding than you may give him credit for. Mine knows I prep the room, go grocery shopping with my own money and make guests comfortable with fresh linen, towels & toiletries but permanent live in sister in law is wicked abroad and accommodating someone you don’t know whose parents haven’t spoken to you in decades is a bit too much for some of us especially as rooms here do not come with locks, all your private mails are on your breakfast table etc. I always say American homes are not designed for those who don’t like you to stay with you. The absence of locks and the open kitchen floor plan is a big deal for me in accommodating a person I don’t know.
Just make whatever makes you happy....just try to blend, you can be better off on the long run.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very big issue in marriages. A couple I know got divorced because of this exact reason. Wife is an introvert, husband likes having even strangers around 24.7. I am also an introvert, well I married my type o. We fit no get 1 visitor in 1 year. me and my family things and there is peace. You both have to agree on a common ground. You knew this before you married him abi?
ReplyDeleteIf he refuses to inform you then stop cooking for the visitor and always indoors till their leave.
ReplyDeleteYou are not wrong, even if you like having people around (which you don't) your spouse should ask for your permission before letting anyone sleepover. Who both own the home na
ReplyDeleteI think he is already doing the right thing by telling you before the person shows up, seeing the type of person he was nutured to be. He grew up that way and cannot help himself I guess. I am like that; when gisting with your padi or relative, one topic leads to another and before you know it you' d invite them over even without giving it a thought.
ReplyDeleteWhat you should do when he tells you someone is about to visit is to give him your terms and conditions for that visit. Eg you can say, I can only serve your own meal and go to bed, let him figure out how to entertain the guest. But please don't spring a surprise on him, always tell him your terms and conditions for every particular case ahead of time. If he finds out that he is unable to cope with those terms and conditions you give him, he will not want to keep inviting his pals home.
He's supposed to let you know, tell him that's the issue. But If you want to ban visitors from coming coz you like privacy, then kolewerk. You will be bundled back to Nigeria for privacy.
ReplyDeleteWhat is this 🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteHahahaha Kai blackberry! I don laugh tire! Na your comment I dey rush come read everytime!
DeleteOgini Blackberry 😁😁😁. Easy o
DeleteOgini Blackberry 😁😁😁...easy o
Delete~La creme
Discuss your feelings with him and make him realize how you feel.its well.
ReplyDeleteNothing do you.. he should discuss with you first.
ReplyDeleteTry and talk to him about it. No fight am oooo, just talk about it
Also note that he can't change over night so give him time
Marriage is not easy job I tell you my darling,most times is pleasing to displease yourself.....now the type of your hubby who i know is an African man will now think you're trying to over dominate him by not allowing his visitors.this is a gradual process thing, keep telling him reasons why you're uncomfortable with visitors and he will definitely see reasons with you, just do your best to show love to the visitors even if you will be in your room, tell them you have something doing or writing that's why you're mostly in.
ReplyDeletePoster....you are an introverted but want to change an extrovert into an introvert. This is the main issue!
ReplyDeleteIn hindsight...you should not have married this guy. You both have different outlook to life.
If he stop innviting his friends...he will be a depressed man.
The best thing to do is this: Sit him down. Let him know your kind of person. And ask for his help and support in being moderate about visitation.
Also speak to him about him choosing hang out with his friends outside of the house. That could also work.
But no...you should not try to change an extrovert into an introvert like you.
It's same thing my wife did. I like going out to watch movies....she doesn't. So I got myself...Netflix...Amazon prime...hbo etc. And I just binge watch movies. Now she gets angry that I watch them without her. But I just brush it aside. If I can't go out to the cinema to watch a movie.....I won't have peace again watching at home???
I’m an extrovert
DeleteI don’t invite guests to My Own house without telling the people in the house even if those people are guests
As in if you’re staying in my home as an invited guest, I’ll let you know and seek your consent before I have another guest over
You might say why do that when it’s your house. I say it’s a matter of respect. I won’t impose another persons presence on my guest or my family.
My advice is you guys should learn to compromise. What some of you don't know is that even couples who are alike also have to compromise on some issues. In the above example, you two should try to stay home to binge watch movies sometimes and sometimes deliberately go out together to watch some movies. Little by little with time you both will enjoy the bonding, instead of arguing. Then planning, when for example you both know that you would go to watch movies on a Friday, remind her and tell her to be ready. Try to make both the outdoor and indoor outings fun. Take pictures, hold hands, laugh, tatata....... Sometimes we are too serious, selfish and want things our way.
DeleteHe should tell you on time, if not he should house them himself. He is being disrespectful. Respect is reciprocal.
ReplyDeleteFind a way of telling him you will appreciate it if he informs you of any visitor ahead of time and also if the person is sleeping over.
ReplyDeleteIt's a matter of understanding. You both need to strike a balance . Learn to accommodate each other's view. May God give you the wisdom to go about this.
ReplyDeleteDear poster. I think that for you and your husband to live in peace, both your expectations about this issue should be managed.
ReplyDeleteI understand you because I was raised the same way. You do not have anxiety disorder. I agree that he should tell you before inviting people but if he is adamant, you’d have to find a way to manage it.
The both of you are different when it comes to this issue, this is the first step.
Secondly, you both should not expect the other to change, but to find a balance that works for you both.
Your husband can invite them and not expect you to be there to greet them and host them. But you can buy some stuff that he can use to entertain them and keep for him, so that he can give them when they come. And you are not running around in the kitchen. He should also be aware that he will need to help in the cleaning up after the visitors leave.
You should not expect him to stop inviting people, that is who he is. Prepare your mind that it will happen and when this does happen, do those things which you planned to do with your day before the impromptu invitation, including leaving the house if you need to do while politely excusing yourself, if need be. In other cases, you can of course leave some room to change your plans for those friends who you would like to chat with or greet. You said you live in a small flat. Get your earphones and play music or sermon. You can even do some exercises or yoga or whatever activity that brings your introverted mind joy.
Your husband should have sought for ur permission before hosting visitors because you are expected to greet and get food for them. Have a heart-to-heart discussion with your hubby and if there is no change. Try to adapt. Don't let it scatter your marriage an introvert can change to extrovert. U guys must not be the same.
ReplyDeletePersonally I love learning everyday.
ReplyDeleteSo here's what I think;
That you grew up in isolation does not mean you now can't learn the opposite and eventually become both.?!
I'm referring to where you said you go to the room most the time your husband's friends comes around.
Be free and open minded before you give out wrong impressions of you.
Who said you must be a part of their talk/ gist if you sit right there among them.?
Smile when you see them laughing and at the end, if they're living join your husband and see them to the door, wave your bye bye and send your regards to their family... It's that simple.
I might be worse then you when it comes to the talk of growing in isolation ooo. BE WISE BEFORE YOU BLAME THE DEVIL!!!
You didn't say anything abt the man bringing visitors without telling her
DeleteWisdom is profitable when handling marital differences. He is an extrovert and likes hosting people on a whims, you are not that type and feel guilty, that In turn is making you defensive, insecure and feeling like you are being taken advantage of (which may indeed be happening). If it continues, this will widen the cracks in your union as you will resent him for placing you in such awkward situations.
ReplyDeleteSolution: set a daily text message reminder on his phone that reads "tell me if you are coming home with a friend,thanks".
2.Ensure groceries for emergency entertainment like drinks and cookies are always available in the house (include it on the monthly budget)
3. Tell your self that you will only make a brief appearance to any guest (5 minutes just to say hi, I am busy inside, greet your family when you are going o), it is a necessary uncomfortable compromise.
4. Set the boundaries of no guest sleep over unless given 48 hours prior notice. Both of you have to find what works for you guys.
In all this madam, try to occasionally participate in these hosting before your hubby start developing friendship with certain extroverts since you clearly do not share similar social values.
Poster, marriage is about compromise. You both have to balance your preferences. Since you've talked to him and its not working, feign sickness or just be down for a couple of days, like breakdown and cry gidi gan ni o. When your husband starts caring for you so you can feel better, gradually bring up this situation from the perspective of wanting it to benefit both of you. Tell him you're willing to accept x number of visitors in a week/month. If it exceeds that number, he will have to explain to them that you are busy and cannot be in the same space with them or he will have to take that visitation to their own house.
ReplyDeleteI am also an introvert and the thought of having people over drives my anxiety level through the roof on the other hand, my husband is not introverted like me but he doesn't exactly have friends or go out. Bottom line is your husband should seek you out before inviting people into your home, he doesn't seem to understand and respect you. You too need to meet him halfway. You both need to find a middle ground.
ReplyDeleteIt is understood that you are not the outgoing type, Infact everyone shouldn't be. Your husband is not considerate by bringing visitors to your home to spend the nights without your consent, it is absolutely wrong and disrespectful.
ReplyDeleteThe reverse is our case, me being the husband. I seldom have people over. Maybe once or twice in a year. But I will discuss with my wife before inviting anyone. If she disagrees, I don't invite or we discuss. My wife on the other hand would have finished all arrangements and inform me in hindsight and if I don't agree, then it's my wahala. Once I called one of such people and cancelled, come see wahala in the house for days! I often feel like a side piece in my own home just because I don't like fight because my opinion or feelings about anything is never considered, just her own!!! If I disagree, na fight, if she disagrees na fight and she disagrees 90% of the time and I find myself agreeing 90% of the time, even when I don't agree because I am avoiding trouble! Now just becoming very bitter!
ReplyDeleteYou are not wrong at all… many I’m sure can tell you they’re like you! I’m the same too. However in resolving this issue kindly find a better environment or time to raise it up so that understanding is leveled once he understands you he will take a lot into consideration and eventually cut you some slack. My husband is protective of our space but can be like that if he chooses to be and he likes to visit people . For the latter I always stay back, for the former I put up a good show, I host, even through anxiety I host … I’ll bring out the best food and drinks then just say Oga this one and that one is finished your friend ate it!!! I also make sure to make my displeasure known because hosting is exhausting for me… obviously I say it kindly & explain all that goes into hosting it’s really a lot — he adjusted oooo he meets with his people elsewhere if at all and invites people over with my consent which is rarely thank God
ReplyDelete