Hmmm....
TIPS NEEDED TO HANDLE MOTHER IN LAW
Please BVs, I need advice .
My Mother in law is always complaining about me to her son... Like every time over very very little things that can be overlooked ideally.
He always defends me and it's like it infuriates her even more. I don't know what to do.
We just got married And she wasn't like this before the wedding.....
*If she was not like this before, that means you may doing something to get her pissed all the time... Why dont you take her out to maybe Dinner and have a mum and daughter talk with her?
Very soon her son will pitch tent with her and you will understand the saying 'blood is thicker than water' better...
Ask her straight up what you did to her and if she does have genuine complaints, apologise and change. However,if she is just looking for trouble and trying to compete for her son's attention with you, please ignore her and stay far away from her. Do the basics for her and ghost her the rest of the time. The thing with inlaws is that they will never see you as one of them no matter how hard you try. You might be the best human on earth but the moment you offend them,they forget the numerous times you have been good to them and deal mercilessly with you. If mama no wan cooperate with you abeg blank am and face your home. Leave her to her son.
ReplyDeleteHmnn, if you call her to ask, you will continue calling and asking. Tell the son to ask on your behalf and try to be nicer and watch and see whether things will improve. If you have not given her a grandchild don't bother asking that is the problem. Pray that the good Lord blesses you.
DeleteSome day some of us we be mother in-law and father in-law hmmmm
DeleteExcept you are not an in-law. If you are, does your description of In-laws fit you?
DeleteApologise to her n ask if u did anything wrong
DeleteThough, you have snatched her 2nd husband/book. Mothers n sons
Delete*Bobo*
DeleteGet close to her, and let her understand you are her daughter, if you do any wrong she is free to let you know. Somethings we overlook can be a big thing to other person's because of different upbringing and all.. Call her and let her know your husband told you what you did which made her complain, ask her on what she expects of you
ReplyDeleteThe sooner we realise that mothers inlaw who report their DIL to their sons don't mean well for the marriage, the better we will be for it. Will a mother reprimand her own daughter through the son inlaw? If her daughter does wrong,she will call her personally and talk to her to help sustain the marriage. Women please let's do better. The double standard is horrible. They will go through fire to hide their daughter's flaws from the husband to keep the marriage but try to exaggerate their son's wife's flaws to cause trouble and feel important. They forget that what goes around comes around.
DeletePoster don’t take this advice o. You will only the empowering to cause more problems for you. Which one is what she expects of you, Asin you came into the marriage to live up to her expectations or what. Just face front and ignore her and let your husband handle the situation
DeleteWell said AK47. I’m surprised pple are here saying have a heart to heart talk with a mother that won’t even speak with you, but is happy to report.
DeleteGod bless you AK47. Most mil hate their Dil for no reason. That's how mine is there doing her own. My bill wanted to send money to me and he called me to Ask for my acct details in her presence.i didn't send the details and instead of her as a mother that wants the unity of her family to call me and ask me why I didn't send she took her fone and was telling everyone that they told me to send acct no and I refused that that is my business.Even my bill wanted to call me and ask y I didn't send the acct no she told him not to call me.see this women can never see u as their daughter as far as they're concern u are their rival.
DeleteAnon 18.01. But why didn't you just send the acc details?. Why do they need to start calling you to ask why. Why couldn't you call the BIL and explain why if you have a reason ?
Delete15:30, generalised statements
DeleteNot all MILs hate or dislike DILs.
Some MIL report their daughters to their husbands. Not everyone cuddles bad and some MIL have better relationship with their sons in law than their daughters.
We have read of testimonies here of good MIL/DIL relationship in some, the MILs were given credit for being the rock of the marriage.
Hmmmm
ReplyDeleteThis is wrong.
Why won't she call u and tell u instead if u are doing anything wrong...talk to her
Just make sure you do the right things that within your heart you know u did her no wrong or did not do anything bad; then IGNORE her!
DeleteShe will be fine.
Some humans are very pretentious ; when u come close u will now see their true colours.
Just make sure you have something doing and you do the best in your marriage on your part; my sister IGNORE abeg!
Some humans are insatiable! Even if you bend over; they will still complain
I didn't finish my comment before forwarding... Apologize and ask her what she expects of you, if you ain't okey with it, let her see reasons why you ain't.
ReplyDeleteShe likely feels threatened or replaced as the main woman in his life and don't know how to deal with it just yet.
ReplyDeleteTry carving out time for you to do things together. Catching a movie, spa date, going out shopping or to eat. Do things for just the two of you alone and see if that helps. Show her kindness. Ask her to teach you how to cook his favourite meal, this one is tricky because she could use the opportunity to really be overbearing. But show her more love and open up opportunities for bonding to see if she will see you as a daughter and not an outsider.
Also, share openly with your husband a complete play by play of what happened when he was away in her presence, that way she has nothing to share as it will be redundant for her to go over it again. Even tell him of any mishaps or strange occurrences and laugh it off. Do this a few times over and see if she stops. If she calls, your hubby can say, yeah she told me already and if he does that a few times over she will stop her reporting.
Poster don’t go and start what you can’t finish. Only take this advice if you are sure that 10yrs from now with children and other responsibilities that you will still be able to do all these things for her, if not that another problem you will be creating for yourself
DeleteImagine advise! Will you do same to a friend that goes about messing up your name to people you are close to?
DeleteHow hard is it to call a spade a spade?
🤣🤣🤣 no be small something. Poster jump and pass this advice o.
DeleteShe’s only jealous her son now officially has another woman in his life. Some women can’t handle it especially if she’s a widow.
ReplyDeleteYou have any talk with her, let her son seriously warn her to steer off and stop interfering in his young marriage. She has no business with.
My MIL tried it some years back, if it’s not the way I dress, it’s how I feed and dress my kids, to me not making up to her taste, even telling everyone that came around to visit us that I was starving my baby because I wanted to slim down all because I chose to do exclusive breastfeeding while she insisted it was not in my child’s best interest.
The last time she started again I gave my husband an ultimatum to handle it once and for all as I had endured enough out of respect to him and the next time I over hear her complaining about me to him or anyone he won’t like how I would handle it. When she started again called my hubby to complain about how my birthday pictures looked “somehow”. He lost his temper and really went all out, asking her what I ever did to her, why she won’t just leave him and his marriage alone. He told her that let that be the very last time she’s ever approaching him with any issues that has to do with his wife and marriage. It’s been 3yrs now and I’ve had peace. The last baby I had she came around and was even supportive of my exclusive. She just comported herself unlike before.
So poster it’s all up to your husband. Don’t go addressing it yourself before she ll look for something you say to use and accuse you that you insulted her. Your marriage is still very young and as such doesn’t need this level of interference
Just call her or go to her and asked her politely what you are doing to her that she didn't like
ReplyDeleteposter this is not time for complain, crying or talking but is time to draw closer to your mother-in-law to understand what you have done wrong. You said from the beginning it was not so that means someone has sowed a terrible seed to spoil things. You may be the one who sowed that terrible seed that is making her to dislike you at the moment.
ReplyDeleteAre you among those daughter in laws who go to serve their would be mother in-law meal while kneeling down and after their sons get married to them, boom nothing of such. Did you visit her and wash all her dirty clothes, clean the house and was pretending to be a saint and right now you no longer do any of those things?
You have to think fast, do your mathematics to understand where the hate is coming from. Have you been talking too much with some friends or family members? Your husband may stop soon from supporting you cos mother na mother.
Lastly, do you stay in family house, if yes this could be the genesis of your wahala. All the best and never you forget the place of prayers.
Does she live with you?if she does,it needs to stop.I’m a man and I will NEVER allow my mother inlaw stay with me permanently when I’m married.it just won’t work
ReplyDeleteBoth my mother and my wife's mother would never live in my house. They may visit for wkends and that's it. If we must see them, we go to them.
DeleteNo Omugwo, nothing ! And no siblings from either families stressing me.
We have internet now, I provide everything they need, so no need to come live in my house.
That's why I love white marriages and relationships...No interference. You born, you and your man take the responsibility of caring for the kids....Visit Yes, staying/living in my house, NO.
My siblings already know to book their hotels whenever they are in town, and only come in to spend few hours with me, discuss family issues, eat dinner and go do their thing with their crowd.
Take this from a Woman that has been married for almost 20years.
ReplyDeleteYou can neva Please anybody Most Especially an Inlaw.
So call Her( if you dont stay in same area )
Thank her for Accepting And Loving you.
Also tell her that You apologise in anyways You have done Wrong to her and the Family.
Tell her You want Your husband ,Her Son 2 be Happy always,So abeg she shouldnt be Angry with You.
Hug Her AND FACE FRONT.
As much as Possible, Do not talk too much in your inlaws gathering.
Always Smile in thier presence.
With This,Even if they want to Fault you,They wont have anything to Say about You.
All the Best My Darling!!!!!!
My sister they would, i did this thing you mentioned, smile and face front, they said i a arrogant, i am looking down on them, that i have refused to mingle. Now i have pressed ignore button. They know where they stand and i know where i stand too. Life is sweeter when we ignore « hard to please » people. I’m not the OP.
DeleteDon’t ask her oh
ReplyDeleteJust leave it
Nothing you say in that conversation will be good. It will all be used against you and as confirmation that you’re a rude wife
Just wait it out. Mana is probably going through growing pains and separation anxiety. She thought she wanted a wife now she thinks she has a rival
Just relax
The person you should talk to is your husband m
He doesn’t need to repeat all she tells him about you. Just gently tell him not to bother telling you
The mother may not be facing separation anxiety. But she may be facing anxiety of other types.
DeleteIf the Poster and her husband are not living in the family house with the mother, then he is the one causing half or all of the problem. He is still a baby husband. He will soon learn not to tell Poster all his mother says. In fact, the mother will be surprised if Poster goes to her to raise the matter or mention some of the mother's complaints.
Are you living with your mother inlaw? The information divulged is so little to have an insight for an advice.
ReplyDeleteTrue this is. Very true @15:26
DeleteIn-laws should allow newly married couples to be;even if you live with them.
ReplyDeleteI hope she doesn’t live with u people. Maybe she sees how ur husband treats u like a queen and helps around in the house and is now angry over that. Try and be nice to her. I am not one to ever advise anyone to apologize when they haven’t done anything wrong so I won’t be joining the bandwagon to tell u to apologise.
ReplyDeleteKeep treating her as a good wife should treat her MIL. Then if she ever oversteps, make sure u don’t cower. Don’t be rude but don’t be afraid to stand ur ground as well. You no thief person house, na ur husband house u dey.
Do you live in a family house or she lives with you? You did provide instances of what she complains about.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned she has changed since the wedding...but is she the only one? Are you sure you haven't changed too?
ReplyDeleteThere are some ladies who present themselves as something they truly aren't, until the wedding...then boom...their true character comes out! If you're one of those women, then offcourse she is going to complain, because she feels she has been duped.
Slightly off topic...
Isn't is funny how every generation complains about MILs? The same women that experience ill-treatment, will be the same ones to also dish it out to their sons' wives!
Who breaks the cycle??
Because most people don't get healed of their trauma, so they tend to repeat the same thing and the cycle continues.
DeletePoster, I will call a spade a spade.
ReplyDeleteYour mother in-law is jealous and scared of losing her sons love and affection to you.
There is nothing you can do about it.
You mentioned she’s been complaining to your husband about some things you did.
Review those things alone and ask yourself: is this wrong? If the answer is no or yes, avoid doing them around her.
As much as you can, avoid being alone with her and don’t be confrontational.
If you must have a hard / straight talk with her, make sure you rehearse the points you will make based only on things she has complained about to your hubby and others. Not the things only you noted.
Make sure you anticipate her reaction.
Make sure if a third party hears about it, it won’t be interrupted as rude.
Make sure you find the RIGHT ADJECTIVES to use.
As much as practicable, leave her alone.
MIL jealous of losing what? Rubbish!
DeleteWhat an immature mindset to have.
If the mother is jealous, what is there for Poster to review.
DeleteTruth is most wives find it hard to accept criticism from MIL.
However, generally, mothers are more experienced than the typical new wife/mother. But the latter don't agree as per say they are the queen of the house.
Mothers see their sons eat food at home because of peace or "love" that the son would never agree to eat from his mother's pot even if paid to do so. If that mother tries to teach or guide the wife, the latter will complain of interference.
Mama knows what not to say to her son or when to stop simply from the body or facial signs. Most new wives don't. If mama witness a serious discussion between her son and his wife, and seeks to advice her DIL, na interference.
Anon 20:44, So head of the house is a baby that cannot open his mouth and talk if he doesn't like a certain food, MIL has to be the mouthpiece. Nonsense and rubbish cuddling of a grown ass behaviour.
DeleteYes Mama would know her son better in the early years of marriage because she has had at least decades with her son, and if she's a good person, she will lovingly give tips and not be judgemental, condescending about it which the DIL is picking on.
Part of the joy In marriage is the puzzles of each individual's behaviour snapping in place, that can only happen with living and figuring each other out , whether intentionally in periods of peace and autopilot of marital calm or accidentally by quarrels and reconciliation.
A new wife is not an encyclopedia for the husband and then people change as well. Madam poster, you gave very scanty info to help but, what kind of man did you marry, Fairweather, easily influencable, tied to mama's apron string, minimally ambitious and without sense of priority for the family he created, 1st mistake. If you live with your in-laws, that is the 2nd mistake you allowed. If you are not empowered, 3rd mistake. Your own attitude towards marriage, if it's the combative stereotypical woe is me DIL behaviour, 4th mistake. Reassess where your problem is coming from, redo this story without coded but important details or do some self assessment and correct the mistakes you possibly can. Good luck.
Everytime mother-in-law this and that, make una let them rest! They are human beings too, why are you peeps always making them feel like they are the bad person all the time! Always full of bile.
ReplyDeletePoster, take your MIL as your mum, love her, take her out like Stella said, just make her happy, Is it so hard to do? Let her reap the fruit of her labour na
Atleast, learn from those that maintain cordial relationships with their MILs.
Honestly, if I was a MIL and my son's wife disrespects me or has a disgusting and bad character towards me, I will personally kick her out!
Always claiming right, Wtf!
Poster, go back and check yourself, your character and behaviour, then amend all loopholes before writing another chronicle. Thank you
Kick her out as per na u marry her? Be careful with this attitude else u might end up losing ur son too. Believe me there are sons that would pick their wives a million times over their moms.
DeleteWait what?!?!!!! Kick the wife out? As in. You the fcking mother in-law kick the wife out?? You dey craze???? You dey mad??? You never jam wife that will drag it with you. Kick her out of her matrimonial home??? No wonder why we have a lot of bad bad mother in-laws. Imagine your effrontery to write this stupid comment!!!
DeleteSome mother-in-laws are so hard to please, but poster you can be very wise inorder to have a peaceful marital life.
ReplyDeleteStop complaining, simply see her as a mum who expect so much from you.visit her often and shower her with gifts.pls don't be bother if she loves you in return.
Create more room for communication with hubby and never complain of his mum because it could destroy your relationship with him.
I just laugh at you guys talking shit about the MIL. Wait till you become a MIL. Some of you reprimand your maids and children's teachers for disciplining your kids. My dear if she confronts you outrightly, you'll say she doesn't mean well for you and your MIL will get the evil woman tag that's why she talks to her son.
ReplyDeletePoster you should ask your husband why he hasn't told his mother to come talk to you or why he hasn't set a scenario which will force you and MIL to talk.
Her son is her first love before you came along. I'm not saying she may not have evil intents towards you all I'm saying is sit and have a heart to heart talk with her. She's your mother too you know. Put yourself in her shoes
Mil should not be talking to DIL about issues directly
DeleteSince your husband doesn't know how to separate his relationship with his mother and his wife, you should go to your MIL and have a mother /daughter chat.
ReplyDeleteTell her that she's been quite critical of your role in his son's life and would like to know what and what you need to do to be a better wife and daughter in law. Nothing wrong in getting that feedback. You need to have your MIL by your side.
As a mother, I'm sure she wants the best for you and her son and would give you a feedback that you could work on.
See this an appraisal and improve on them provided that you love her son and the family.
Listen to you MIL and get close to her.
Poster, as said already, your post lacks the relevant details. Even so, it is inferable that your MIL complaints are not baseless. You just expect her to overlook your actions she complains about.
ReplyDeleteReview the complaints and make needful adjustments. Don't rely on your husband's love to cover all the little things that you want overlooked especially if they are not little as you see them.
If you don't intend to adjust, tell your husband to stop telling you about his mother's complaints, and you both should save to move if you are in his family home.
What ever you do, don't go meet with your MIL. Some of the complaints were not meant to be told you as her complaints. Your husband should have presented them to you as his observations
Dear poster, I will tell you this because I’m also in your shoes. Except, your husband stands up for you and mine doesn’t. You can never plsase anybody.
ReplyDeleteI tried the same to speak to my in laws. But they still started saying shit about me. Even their families stepped in like leave this babe alone nau. You can never please anybody girl. Just grow thick skin and ignore. With time, she will get tired. That’s all I can say. Once you approach her, she will expect that everytime she has a complaint, you should come and appease her.
Let her come and marry her son then. Nonsense!!