Hmmm...
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
BROKEN WIFE
Good afternoon Stella
I am writing this because I am so drained that I now feel numb. What crime did I commit (I fell in love). Met my husband through my colleague's husband, our relationship was a long distance relationship but I was still able to pick a thing or 2.....
Good afternoon Stella
I am writing this because I am so drained that I now feel numb. What crime did I commit (I fell in love). Met my husband through my colleague's husband, our relationship was a long distance relationship but I was still able to pick a thing or 2.....
I snoop whenever he is around and through snooping I found out he smoked(through a chat with his ex girlfriend who is married) I asked but he claimed he has stopped a long while ago, I knew he went out frequently over the phone but he claimed it is because I wasn't around that he is bored but once we start living together things will change.
As a child I could be categorized as an only child because the closest sibling to me is decades away in age distance so I have always yearned for companionship and this i didn't hide from hubby when dating.
Hmmm I listened to all the relationship videos, I prayed o, I asked all the questions there was even a time a post was made on this site about questions u should ask your spouse, I did everything but it just seems luck isn't on my side because after marriage the going out didn't change a bit infact it is terrible....
he goes straight to hangout from work and can be there till 9:30/10 pm even after 10. I complained, I talked I reported to his sister no change, secondly I snooped and found a chat where he was chatting with his friend begging him to help him get bazz(cigarettes)
I was shocked this man still smokes, I confronted him and he didn't even feel remorseful, thirdly about few days ago after s#x he went to chat with one of his ex girlfriend staying in the town where we are , this was around 1am, when he noticed I was coming he deleted his chat and I confronted him, he first lied then I forcefully seized the phone and saw it was her message , he then claimed that what is the big deal if he is chatting with her by this time that she has sent the message since but he just had time to check.
I was crazy on that day I was so close to hitting him or inflating a physical pain on him it took God's grace to calm me down because this man is fine with it no remorse I have stopped cooking and not talking to him for days now and he is fine with it, he cooks himself ignores me and still goes on his hangout.
Our marriage was a year last month I have always wanted to wait a year before having kids thank God I waited because how would I have handled a child with all of this? Plus I am new to the town I barely know my way around I don't even have friends yet. I feel so betrayed I am trying to be cool pretending to be happy but I am not.
I can't even talk to my parents because I don't want to bother them they are elderly and I also don't want to tarnish the good image they have of him.
He is double faced if I even report him some will think I am a lair because he maintains a good and perfect record at work and with his parents/siblings I doubt if they know he smokes. What can I do don't want to be a violence person I have thought of leaving but i don't even know any hotel I can go to but I am leaving in bondage. Well I just found out i am pregnant OMG i of all people knows the damage a broken home can do to a child. I am in so much mess
All this because he smokes? D you beat hm You forcefully took his phone=? Madam are you a wrestler?
All this because he smokes? D you beat hm You forcefully took his phone=? Madam are you a wrestler?
Please leave him alone to smoke.... I dont know what to say cos your chronicle has red flags....
Is smoking that big a deal for you? You should not have married him without confirming he stopped smoking. Chatting with an ex at an ungodly hour is all shades of wrong. The truth is you saw all these red flags but ignored them. It is not enough to watch relationship videos, pray and be good. No one should determine what your deal breakers are and as such no one can counsel you properly. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteTo some people smoking is not a big deal,to me it's a deal breaker. Poster i understand where you are coming from. Maybe,you should manage as far as he dose not smoke at home, and he gets rid of the smell if he gets home. Good luck in whatever you decide.
DeleteHe may have lied about smoking, or he may have quit for a while and started it again. Quitting cigarettes for life is hard but doable. However you should know that you can't force him to quit it. I'm sure you engage in some unhealthy habits too, nobody is killing you over it. You can only gently encourage him. The way Nigerians look at smoking cigarettes as if it is a moral failure baffles me.
DeleteYou really need to get a grip on your emotions before you do irreparable damage to an otherwise good marriage. And if you really can't cope, leave the marriage before you kill someone's son on top cigar and chat.
Stella smoking is a BIG deal to some of us, I can't imagine myself being married to a smoker because I cannot stand the smell, I just can't!.
DeleteIt's the main reason I don't enjoy going to clubs or bars.
Hmmmnn, I don't belong to the "woke" crew hence I can't stay married to a smoker who comes home late (I fear STDs) doesn't care that he's hurting me and chats with an "ex" at 1am. Dear poster, I fear you may be married to yourself... I'll recommend you leave now.
DeleteI can't DATE a smoker, talk less of marrying one.
DeleteIm also extremely off by men who are always guzzling alcohol, especially beer.
The stench of beer is nauseating.
Every one has the things they do not like or are complete deal breakers.
I think you should consider traveling to see your parents as an excuse to calm yourself before you do something that you will later regret.
ReplyDeleteBut why did he like about the smoking ish before marriage na.
Dear poster, this is a man who hasn’t gotten used to the fact that he is married and should be responsible, he may need time to change.
DeleteHe seems like he pretended until he got you and now he doesn’t have to pretend anymore cus he knows it will be difficult for you to walk away.
You either remove your mind from it, calm down and accept him the way he is, play the fool and beg him to change ( though he seems too stubborn to change) and keep showing him love regardless, get a job and new friends in that town and also spend your evenings away from home or simply walk out of this marriage.
You have to write down what your deal breakers are and if you can manage bringing kids into this world with a man like this.
When you have decided, you take your decision but weigh the pros and cons.
Ps. About smoking, it’s not that easy to stop so he may never stop.
Shalom
Push up (original)
My dear, sorry about what you are going through. It's risky to be thinking in your condition.
ReplyDeleteMy advice: Kindly ignore him and focus on yourself. Transfer your love to your baby. That way, anything he does won't bother you. Remove all emotions invested.
Make new friends online. You can get chatting friends or get a skill or a new hobby to distract you.
Life is too short to live in pain. Have one or two kids with him, then live your life.
You can get a toy boy later after the birth of your kids if you want.
Don't let any man dull your shine baby girl.
She's yet to have a child.
DeleteMadam, you nag too much. I can't imagine being married to you. You sound like hell fire to me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you anon 15:17
DeleteBe calming down. Reverse the situation and you will do worse than the poster thinks.
DeleteI agree with you anon all those videos she watched was nothing!! Imagine tiptoeing to monitor him chatting and seizing his phone!!he smokes cigarettes not weed oo. Madam has no business getting married. I pray the guy leaves with his life intact cos this madam can kill him over nothing. I also hope he finds someone that truly loves him with all his flaws so that miss perfect that saw all this and entered in the hope of changing an imperfect human can find her mr perfect.
DeleteLike!! Her husband is going thru hell. Poster leave if you're tired ofthe marriage plus you're so annoying
DeleteIf those "behavior" were nice and attractive why didn't he show them initially.He should have shown his true character before marriage not being deceitful
DeleteHe trapped her and is wicked and selfish
Please ma'am,marriage is not a do or die affair,if you cannot take his smoking and hanging out late habit,you can quit.
ReplyDeletePls calm down
ReplyDeleteThere are many good guys that smoke
I don’t like the habit myself but my brother smokes. My parents have talk tire. But I’m telling you that my brother is a good guy. He doesn’t like trouble. I’m sure he would have done like your man and just cooked his food when you stopped. Go draw your guy to yourself. Smoking is a habit. People don’t usually just drop it like that. Don’t hit him o. I will suppprt any girlfriend or wife but if you hit my brother, wahala dey. Go eat the good he has cooked, dress up and ask him where are we going this evening. Not everyone that’s married wants to just stay at home. Know this and know peace
Just to add he may truly have stopped before but started again. So he may not have lied to you. My brother too has tried.
DeleteExcuse me madam, this is wrong, Yes you are wrong. Some of you these young generation women think marriage is a bed of roses. Please allow that man to breath. Get busy before you push your husband away. You seem to have anger issues, the way you are going it will blow up in your face very soon.
ReplyDeleteYou stopped cooking. To punish him? He will soon start eating outside. You pushed him? He will start pushing you too very soon. Where are your boundaries? He goes out and comes back at 9pm and you are complaining? Madam most men come back after that time. What you need to do is stop nagging and find a way of making him stay at home some days of the week. Don't let that man start feeling trapped. I don't understand why you are regretting the pregnancy. Madam, that's your child growing inside you, stop being self centred.
Maybe he stays out to avoid nagging.
DeleteSome men not most men
DeleteSis, you need to also become a better version of yourself. Issues in marriage at that initial stage is not a new matter. Handling them requires wisdom. You choose to marry him, focus on the reason why you made that choice
ReplyDeleteFind yourself and be happy. A baby is already on the way.
Try to get busy. Find what to occupy your time.
You can also decide to go and hang out with your husband too, since he won't come home on time.
Ask God for PEACE in your heart and soul. You need to be at the place of peace.
This stage will pass.
Domestic violence is not an option. So either of you don't commit manslaughter.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't live with him, please leave him. And Consider separation from him.
You obviously can't change him hanging out, chatting with his ex-girlfriends and smoking. If you can live with these or turn a blind eyes to these things then walk away o, you can always search for hotels online using Google map. Stop hitting abi trying to buy him before he descends on you one day. Congratulations on your baby. Tell him na maybe he'll decide to change because of the baby
ReplyDeleteHahaha😁😁🤣, are you a wrestler got me laughing?
ReplyDeleteMy sister! You don’t have a problem here. Please let him go out and live his life. That’s what makes him happy. Find what makes you happy and do the same when he is out. Marriage is not prison that he has to give up his old self just to be married. Let him do him and you do you then you guys meet in the mid after biko. Let him smoke joo. If you don’t like the smell tell him to shower before coming to bed. You no get problem Abeg and don’t create problem for yourself. There are no expectations in marriage if you want to succeed. Just day by day biko
ReplyDeleteIs there anything sweet about the smell of cigarettes?
DeleteShouldn't an adult know that he should shower before he goes to bed? Na tata? Na small pikin wey you go dey remind?
A very mature response. Live and let live. So peace can reign or you can do the walk the work with him to avoid the triggers of smoking.
DeleteThen lovingly inform him that his chatting with his ex affects you too in a bad way. It's your own trigger. You both should create a list of what triggers negative energy/ habits/ reactio s around/in you.
Go out with him on some of these evenings. You both shouldn't stop dating or courting each other na. The home can become saturated and boring over time so go our with him and sometimes to where he is wit his friends ( suggesting that their wives should also be invited)
Some good men smoke too
He might have stopped but picked up again due to stress. President Obama did same
ReplyDeleteYou sef seem to be creating a stressful environment
Allow that man enjoy his life biko. Meet him at the fun place after work
Na even from the part about her snooping I don hands up for her matter.
DeleteNa troublesome people behaviour be that, unless he has given you reasons for you to snoop, if not, I'll never support it.. some guys do it too.. some years ago I discovered this guy that always read my messages whenever he picks up my phone without my knowledge.. back alerts and all,. Even steals phone number from my contact too..
This is the kind of behaviour some people here come here to excuse and support.. snoopers are evil..
Ur fellow man snooping on u dante? Mmm
DeleteHian! Where do people find friends like this, biko?
DeleteMadam, this your marriage is already dead on arrival oooo. It’s clear to me you’re making his life a living hell and he’d rather not come home until late at night. You are not what he expected and he’s certainly not what you expected either. But, you’re pregnant so you need to review your actions going forward . You are too judgy. What’s the big deal with smoking. Haaabaaa. You sound bossy or shall I say violent. If you want to make this marriage work you need to be calmer and more level headed. Hmmm, what does the Bible, Proverbs 31:10 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. Lady, go and fix your marriage and stop nagging. Learn to overlook the little things
ReplyDeleteThe marriage is not dead abeg
DeleteMany marriages started like this. They will find their way
Poster go have more sex with your husband or us he denying you sex.
Women will always support themselves even when they are the obvious problem.flee from these kind of women when you want to get married
DeleteNo na, the marriage still has plenty life in it but only if poster and her husband will talk these triggers out and respect each other as they learn about each other. E no too hard like that. Nobody should be controlling anybody. They just have to work on the marriage intentionally
DeletePoster you are the problem in your marriage. I pity your husband cos he’s in hell fire with you there. Can you imagine people, the problem is her husband hangs out till 10pm, why won’t he hang out with a cantankerous woman like you, he smokes, why won’t he smoke to ease off the pressure you give him, he chats with his ex, why won’t he chat with another woman when you’re never there for him to have a meaningful conversation, you’re always fighting him, interrogating him, nagging and violent. I pity you, that’s how you’ll leave this marriage and carry your bad character to another man, I also pity the child that will grow up to see how troublesome you are over what you can use peace and good character to change. Continue…
ReplyDeleteYou read into the post abeg.
DeleteGood character to "change"?
DeleteIf you can't deal then it be nice you leave him and not resort to violence now.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a do or die affair mbok.
He smokes, he hangs out a lot, he's double faced, he's a liar, he's chatting with ex girlfriend, you went ahead to knack, had an orgasm, carry belle join, na now your eye open? Beats me when people see their deal breakers live and still jump in, or stay in, carry belle, then hold onto the belle. Pls you have only two options, stay or go! Finish.
ReplyDeleteShe's yet to fall pregnant. Read again
DeleteBaltika she’s pregs
Delete"Well I just found out i am pregnant OMG i of all people knows the damage a broken home can do to a child. I am in so much mess".
DeleteThat's what she wrote naa, I've read it again.
... and it's a wrap ✅
DeleteBaltika, read again. She's pregnant.
DeleteThis one aint going nowhere. She's already using the pregnancy/baby as an excuse. please madam,if you know you can't deal, kindly leave this man before you harm him because you saw all the signs before tying the knot.
DeleteNa that part shock me too, so with all these complaints, she still nacked as close as a month - 6 weeks ago. Nne.
DeleteHmmm I listened to all the relationship videos, I prayed o, I asked all the questions there was even a time a post was made on this site about questions u should ask your spouse, I did everything but it just seems luck isn't on my side because after marriage the going out didn't change a bit infact it is terrible....
ReplyDeleteSo you were watching videos, reading books, drinking oyel, sleeping on mountain in preparation for your marriage, did you fot once ask your fiance how he was preparing mentally, emotionally and spiritually for marriage?
The thing is, most Nigerian men are selfish and clueless. As fat as they are concerned, marriage is for their benefit while responsibilities are for their wife.
Apart from providing money(that is for the few that do)and bringing penis out, nothing else concern them in that marriage. Their own is to raise shoulder, raise buttocks as per head of their nyansh.
I don't have an advice for you post, my advice is for those marrying Nigerian men pre, find out if they are mentally and emotionally prepared for marriage and how, no be just today fuck like rabbits.
Dont be surprised though that after the wedding, everything you discussed and agreed they will turn around and deny, na their way.
Hahahaha this ya comment off me sha
DeleteDon't put this on nigerian men. Poster is the one who is not emotionally ready for marriage. Why is she physically abusing her husband all because of cigarettes and chat? I can't even chalk it up to pregnancy hormones because she just became pregnant. If I were a man, I wouldn't want to come home to such a wife either.
DeleteMy dear 15.47 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿. You have described nigerian marriage to a T.
DeleteDo you know if she is asthmatic or has respiratory challenges? Do you know if her dislike of cigarettes is tied up with some form of childhood trauma?
DeleteIt's not for you to try and understand or judge what should be a deal breaker or not, we know you lot are oshofree, anything goes as long as you get the ring. Nigerians always want to denigrate other people's choices and hold themselves as a barometer for moral choices. Get lost with that wretched mentality.
Respect people's choices.
Bottom line, this is HER dealbreaker and she clearly opened up and spoke of it and her other dealbreaker BEFORE she got married.
It is up to the man to say, I wont be able to stop smoking and I will continue to hang out with my friends every day after work BEFORE marrying her. Not that you enter marriage and continue doing your own thing as if the other person is a fool.
The very height of stinking disrespect, something the Nigerian woman eats like beans.
Which decent married man, will close from work and go and hang out with his friends over beer and cigarettes EVERY DAY?? Since you see nothing wrong, may you marry men and women like that.
15:43 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteYou just described Nigerian men.
Poster
He lied to you about stopping smoking and is not remorseful, keeps chatting with his exes, comes home late, etc. Poster, you saw all these including smoking which seems to be your deal breaker and yet kept having unprotected sex with him, now you are pregnant and regretting it, are you a child?
Biko follow your heart.
Him smoking seems a bigger deal to you than him coming home late and cheating.
ReplyDeleteThe signs are there. He comes home late, some men are like that. Either out of habit formed, don't know when to exit group discussion or the home is not comfortable for him.
Do not think he will change in the case you birth a child. If he leaves you by yourself, he will say you have something to keep you busy.
What if you hit him and he replied and one of you got injured? You appear hot tempered. There's no award for being that.
If you can't accommodate or deal with all you listed above, QUIT. Marriage is not a do or due affair. It's who is alive gets and stays married.
He won't change. Never.
.Madam dont be angry, are you a man beater? U said "I forcefully seized the phone" "I don't want to be a violence person" " was so close to hitting him or inflating a physical pain on him" Ha! Na the man i come dey feel for. The best he has done is to avoid you like this o.
ReplyDeletePoster, I think I understand you, but you need to work on your emotions. Try and be better for yourself and it would reflect in your home. I don't know why you decided to marry him when the signs were glaring. Most people show themselves during courtship and I don't know how you ignored these red flags and believed he had changed.
DeleteNow, you need to make up your mind, do you want to leave or do your part to make this marriage work? Doing your part entails less complain or complain in a better way by suggesting helpful solutions rather than talking about the problem. Maybe you really don't know this man yet.
Madam I think you really need to calm down, why are you giving yourself so much stress, all because he smokes and charts with girls? When you see all of these while dating you didn't quit the relationship now you think that same man will turn to pure angel inside marriage??
ReplyDeletePlease do no ever try to hit him again as this can result to him start beating you abi can you over power him? My people usually say to cut off head is not the solution to headache, I suggest you sit him down let him know how you feel from the depth of your heart about this whole issue, then if he doesn't change afterwards try and ignore him stop making him feel important about his unpleasant behavior get yourself busy with work or something and please you need to mind your health, because you are pregnant for God's sake and you don't need all of these stress.
I'm not against smoking but I'm against chatting with ex's late at late night. You don't do shakara for a man that can cook. Try to follow him to hang out and see if it's really a bad hang out because I don't see anything bad about hanging out. Since you 've reported him to family and he still misbehave maybe you should just face your pregnancy and pray.
ReplyDeleteYea the only ish hear is the chatting with the ex, I only avoided it cos ladies here always excuse such behaviour when one of their comrade does it
DeleteNo she needs to leave before she kill mama chijioke son
DeleteHahahaha how you take know say na Igbo man hahahaha abeg I don't want to laugh much
DeleteDear women,find your purpose,what makes you fulfilled, happy as a single lady before you marry.your purpose also helps you with the choice of who you settle down with.
ReplyDeleteBefore you marry a man, look at him the way he is and decide if you can enjoy your time with him if he never improves. All these marrying someone with hopes he’ll change is rubbish. Look at your husbands good sides, celebrate them, enjoy your time with him and try to make interactions as warm and pleasant as possible.
ReplyDeleteSmoking is not a big issue, the issue you should be worried about is him chatting with his ex girlfriend after gbenshing, I don't like this at all, he might start cheating with her very soon and you are not helping matters.
ReplyDeleteMadam don't use your hand to push that man to his ex girlfriend, start cooking for him first and foremost, then apologise for not doing so since then.
Whenever you see him chatting with that yeye ex girlfriend, try not to lose your cool,playfully distract him by engaging him in discussing or even sit on his laps,then voice your displeasure over what he's doing peacefully without raising your voice, everything must not be quarrel, No marriage is easy but na sense you go use .
As for the outing, Make your home interesting enough that your man rushes home after work and can't wait to get back to your hands. stop that thing you've been doing that makes him spend extra hours at work.
K.
Be petting and pampering a grown ass adult as if he is a child.
DeleteDoesn't he know what is permissible as a full grown adult married man?
Nigerian women and their disgusting, enabling, crippling, pick me behaviour.
Common sense cannot permeate his thick skull to know he has no business chatting with an ex girlfriend as a married man?
What is he looking for with his ex girlfriend? Did he forget reusable condom inside her?
If it was the woman chatting with her ex boyfriend, dude would have dragged her to his village shrine.
You already know your partners aversions and deal breakers. Partner already discussed and explained this to you BEFORE getting married.
You pretend to have stopped.
Once wedding is over, you pick up immediately.
Height of manipulation and cunning.
Now if it was the woman smoking, staying out late and discussing with her ex boyfriends, what advice would you give?
What is good for the goose is good for the...?
calm your titties down. why body dey pepper you?
Deleteif pampering would bring peace in the marriage then so be it.
Hit your head for wall if you don't agree with pampering a man instead of being troublesome towards him.
K.
18:51 Keep pampering and wiping the buttocks of your adult toddlers Garbage in, garbage out .🤣
DeleteThank you 17:50. If it was the woman doing all the man is doing, will you advise him to pamper her and sit on her lap?
DeleteWhat business does a married man have chatting with an ex? Why didn't he marry his ex?
Nigerian women enable rubbish , that is why these men still behave like kids in marriage.
she found out about the pregnancy after she had already sent in th first chronicle and then she resent with that pregnancy part as update...i posted as she resent it..
DeleteSo make him no hangout again..
ReplyDeleteI blame him though, whenever I get close to a girl and she starts that talk of why I'm out by 9pm or try to use that indirect manipulation shii of saying her mind isn't at peace cos I'm out and not home by 10pm and how I can get hurt and shii.. Omo na immediately I dey clear am say make she no just carry that leg come.. you and who dey do that one.. not like I even go out always sef..
Him for no deny the smoking too.. the truth is that he might just be a social smoker or just something he does occasionally but una go won blow am up.. if it was me I go tell you straight up say mammi I smoke occasionally, I don't plan on stopping,. If you can't deal fine.. many people don't know that when you keep it Gee like this, you'll still have good girls around you who fvck with your realness, you'll have real peeps and your mind go rest wella as you no dey think of the next lie to drop.. but Una like to dey lie and deceive unaself..
@XOXO na one of the thing wey you dey support be this, even saying good girls would run off when you open up to them, shebi now wetin him hide still come open and wahala don burst.. let's see how he'll get that trust back now
Then the deceitful man does not deserve a good man
DeleteManipulative behavior is wrong , Dante hush
Madam don't let a selfish man frustrate you to anger or violence
Lol..
DeleteWdf is this one saying..
Is like you lack comprehension skills.. I said I blame the man for his deciet and lies..
Tho, she sef get her own for body . But I still blame him, cos he pretended he would stop staying late out and all.. Me go tell you straight say kolewerk..
Now go and read my comment again, this time slowly
Poster all I can say is you are disappointed he is not what he portrayed himself to be.
ReplyDeleteHe chats with his ex's hmmmm that's a red flag as long as they are not coparenting or dealing business.
This man seem like all those very stubborn men wey no dey hear word, wey no get emotions.
Maybe you can calmly have a heart to heart conversation with him.
Tell him all your worries and how you feel about his attitude, read his body language you will know if he can be better.
Decide if you wanna leave the marriage or remain.
Poster, you have anger issues. The best way is to leave your husband before you kill him. Please pack your things and go back to your parents house; It is better than to be a murderer!
ReplyDeletePoster, are you sure your husband is not a BV, the anonymous comments are similar.
ReplyDeleteFelicity
Atink say na only me see am O.
DeleteOne Anon even narrated what happens in poster's home as if ... 🤣
Some people are delusional, madam I think you're overbearing. Moving forward, I think people should really develop themselves before getting into a committed relationship like marriage. I think your partner is patient.
ReplyDeleteNo he is not. I am a man. Not a saint, but the man is not being fair to the poster. Gets up from the matrimonial bed after couples time to go chat with an ex? No naaa!
DeleteAnd some ex are wicked sha
The vulture is also patient bird
DeleteThe man own dey e body too.
DeleteHe is supposed to be mature and sit his wife down and be responsible instead of engaging in things that will further bring toxicity into his home.
God please bless me with a husband who's indeed a man.
Me reading all these comments like this 😥.
ReplyDeleteNa wah ohhh.
So because you people like smoking, she doesn't have a right to hate it or be angry at a man that lied to her that he had stopped when they were still dating and also lied that the hanging out will reduce when they get married only for it to get worse.
How are all these right? 😡
He lied to her knowing she doesn't like smokers and men that will "constantly" abandon there home to hang out every day, and newlyweds for that matter.
She said she had always wanted someone to bond with and you guys are calling her a nag?
Na wah once again 🙄
All of this because of what? SMOKING😮😮😮 huh!! That man is in trouble, big one.
DeleteBut the way she's going about it is alienating him na, you want people to tell her what she's doing is good? When she is close to hitting him just because he chats with his ex at 1am? Nothing incriminating in the chat because with the rate at which she snoops, if there was something she would have found it by now.
DeleteIf a woman tells you her husband almost hit her, and then forcefully seized her phone because she was chatting with her ex. And then he withholds money from her whenever they have issues. say the truth, won't you tell her that it's a huge red flag?
I don't like smoking but I had an ex who smoked, he never smoked in my presence though. That doesn't make him a bad person, it's an addiction that isn't easy to let go and I understand that.
If she doesn't like him coming late, she should make home a pleasant experience for him, then we can talk about that. She can follow him on hangouts sometimes. All this problem she gives herself on small issues that little wisdom can solve, what will happen when big problems come?
Lolll dont be surprised st the comments, Nigerian women are used to bottom barrel, bare minimum effort from their men, as in the dregs of the dregs. From the comments, you can imagine the shit they tolerate in their own relationships.
DeleteLast born..
DeleteThe man lied, I hate lies. He messed up for lying. Why deceive someone to believe you are what you are not.. if the smoking isn't a big deal to him, why does he have to lie about it..
I have always said here that I support people opening up on who they really are let who ever is going into a relationship with them know what they're up against and if they can't deal let them go.. the earlier the better. But some over Sabi people go dey follow me quarrel
God bless you
DeleteEven though she handled something’s in an immature manner, but this lady is a fresher in marriage, and she’s the type of person that loves her partner to be with her in this thing called marriage.
The fact that a lot of people can manage smokers doesn’t mean everyone should.
We are all telling her to compromise which is good, but the man should meet her half way.
Push up (original)
Thank u Jesus! Thank u Jesus! The entire comments were so appalling I didnt want to read the rest. Thank u for ur comment. There is still small hope on this blog.
Delete17:54, exactly, they are so used to the bottom barrel relationship that they advise and insult u based on the nonsense to condone from these men.
DeleteImagine if it was a woman coming home that late everyday, or chatting and deleting messages from an ex at midnight or was caught lying about something, even the same women here will join mouth to bash such woman. Jesus! The comment section is so triggering.
Thank you Obioma.
DeleteI am a male. Your observations are correct. The man here is not being fair to the poster. Lies. Habitual late nights. Chats with ex. Then chat at midnight getting up just after couples time? Wetin? I guess poster put our Bvs in a tight corner with her gra gra style that night. Bvs here always bash dv. So poster is suffering collateral damage. Again, poster saw all before she entered. She was just naive.
However, 17:54 should know that all poster saw before she said yes never stops in 80% of marriages. No need to bash Nigerian men or women. It is also a fact that some chronicles over emphasize some points to gain validating support. But the Bvs here are also up to the task in seeing the wheat and the chaff.
Poster stop watching those relationship video, pls. It's messing with your head.
ReplyDeleteWhat does he smoke? Cigarettes, loud, mkouru mmiri or other hard stuff?
Does he misbehave after smoking?
I understand what you are going through. Poster you are lonely.
You wanted a brother and a friend in your husband and he isn't being those, sorry about that'.
Pls calm down and take good care of yourself. You are pregnant and you need peace of mind. So stop going to his phone and stop fighting him.
No marriage is the same style with the other that's why you should stop watching those videos.
Just do your duty as a wife and pls don't tell him yet that you are pregnant, let him keep ignoring you until he finds out on his own and then he is gonna feel sorry he ignored you.
Let there be peace in your marriage in Jesus name, amen 🙏
I don’t have anything to say to you poster but to men?pls RUN from these kind of women.the ones that think they marriage is a prison or a war zone.I admit that you no longer completely own your life and time once you get married but with these kind of women,nothing you do will ever be enough.
ReplyDeleteEnabler well done
DeleteMarriage ain't easy Sis. Not a bed of roses at all. You really need to be calming down before anger gets a better part of you. Lots of patience and plenty wisdom... May the Lord grant unto you. Amen!
ReplyDeleteMadam be calming down before you develop HBP. Your husband is chatting you had to snoop to see who he is chatting with, seized his phone 🤣. That man is a good man I swear. You are over reacting. Give peace a Chance in your home
ReplyDeleteThe man is not it at all
DeleteWhen they say marry your kind,no be only genotype Abi height or my account balance.sometimes when an introvert marries an extrovert it’s a big problem.some other times it’s not o but when woman don Dey para say man Dey stay out till 10,man wey Dey stay for Lagos?problem
ReplyDeleteNow I believe poster's hubby is a bv. How did you know that they live in Lagos?
DeleteOga, you fcked up by telling lies about your smoking, you are also chatting with your ex, is she your business partner? Are you still knacking her? If your wife chats with her ex at midnight after sex, will you be happy with her? Go and change for the better. Stop triggering your wife. You are now a married man, start behaving like one.
Thank you Dreza
DeleteIf na me marry this your husband I go dey cause quarrel intentionally so that he go cook better food for himself and as soon as the food is done, I go go chop am. 😂 😂 😂 I go remain small for him Sha. 😂
ReplyDeletePoster please don't stress that man, allow him to hang out. In Lagos we still dey road by 10pm so I don't know where you guys live and when is curfew time there.
If you seized his phone by force, he was the one that allowed you so no come think say na your power oo.
Pls calm down OK? Stop thinking about broken home. Una no go break in Jesus name, amen 🙏
Take it easy my darling,I know and understand that you don't like smokers, start by telling him dangers of smoking,try helping him quit the habit.what of men who smoke walking around the street, yours even hide to do so bcos he respects you.
ReplyDeletePoster. Be careful not to overreact. This is the way marriage is. You never get to learn all about your spouse before getting married. You learn more when you are in it and over time. You will not be first person to discover things about your husband that you did not know before. Also, rest your mind and stop snooping. Focus on how to make your home happy and comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI remember my mum told me that marriage is like a package/present. You peel off the layers when you live with the person. Whatever you uncover is what you get. What really matters is someone that has a good heart within. Every other thing can be overlooked and managed. Never a bed of roses.
May we not marry our enemies.
DeleteMay we not marry men who will frustrate us at every turn and gaslight us at will.
May we not marry men who know nothing about marriage, who want to enjoy ALL of the benefits and NONE of the responsibilities.
May we not marry people who will make us clearly see that our single days were 100 times better than married.
May we marry people with BASIC common sense and empathy.
Nothing can ever concern me with Nigerian men relationship wise in this life.
I find them beyond irritating and primitive.
May we not marry children in adult's body?
DeleteBut why be say when Nigerian man marry oyibo, e dey comport e self sharply.
But with his fellow Nigerian women he always wants to behave like king of the jungle? Bush things.
23:19 and 01:29
DeleteDon't you know that the authorities and the application of laws favour born citizens against a foreigner in ALL lands directly or indirectly in ALL matters?
Have you not seen where some Oyibo marry Oyibo, and also behave like Kings or Queens in the jungle?
Are all Oyibo marriages perfect?
Why do we always deprecate ourselves by making comparisons that are not based on same facts?
The only thing that may be said for their marriages with some level of certainty is that generally an Oyibo person in Poster's shoes would have walked out of the marriage since 10 months ago because the law in most US and some land permits "no fault" divorce. UK got her no fault divorce law only just recently. But Nigerian law do not allow divorce proceedings in the first 2 years of marriage except in some specified situations, which clearly do not apply in Poster's case.
Just as you believe that Nigerian men need to free themselves from jungle mindset and behaviours, Most Nigerian women need to wash off their thinking that the Oyibo man is always a better husband. Na one (the Doctor) marry our on-net dancing sister. How was the market there? Last time, he was reported and shown on hospital bed here claiming he was being detoxed of the Jazz that tied him into or in the marriage. How many Nigerian men do such. Okay, he copied Nigerian men. We all saw the fine linens washed on-net by the man and our sister. Right?
By the way, all those reality TV stuff we see in Oyibo marriages and relationships are all better than Nigerian marraiges and relationships.
And lastly, how many Nigerian women marry Nigerian men in Nigeria and truly want to live in a marriage on all the "Oyibo parameters" even when they meet Nigerian men who want to walk that path?
You, yes You. Can you be an Oyibo wife in every and all sense of that word in Nigeria?
Make una leave this Oyibo men/marriages stories.
Lady Stella, please post. Thank you. Doh.
23:19 and 01:29
DeleteYou deprecated all Nigerian men and Nigerian-Nigerian marriages/relationships on the chronicle of one man and his wife, and just on a part of all the comments made on it.
Reality TV (on Cheating, Divorce, Parternity disputes, and Crime) proves you both wrong that all "Oyibo" romantic relationships and marriages are pure bliss and heaven on earth.
Know that the laws of all lands are overtly or covertly applied against the foreigner in disputes between a born citizen and a foreigner. This is the reason why foreigners sit up in all marriages with a born citizen, sometimes in pains.
But even in this case, a foreign woman will have nothing against the husband. What are his crimes? Late nights, cigarette smoking outside the home, and chatting with an ex after couples' s3x. All rolled up in deception. Bad habits? Yes, very bad habits. Will he go to jail in Amerca/Europe for these? All a foreign woman can do against a well-documented Nigerian in a case like this is to sue for divorce. And any Nigerian worth such trouble should be sensible enough to do a pre-nup where permitted by law before marrying a citizen of his country of residence.
Maybe, your angst is that majority of BVS did not tell Poster to walk out of the marriage. If she really wanted out of the marriage after finding out the deception, she would not have stayed so long or even write the chronicles. That is the theme of most advice given to her.
And because of this you both woto woto all Nigerian men as if ... Even if you leave outside Nigeria.
We all witnessed on-net the episodes of our on-net dancing Nigerian sister and her American doctor husband. The last "episode" here showed him on an hospital bed with a drip attched to his arm, and the caption of him detoxing himself of the juju. Whose juju? We also saw the linens they sun-dried on net. Dat man no bi Oyibo?
No bi one American man dey get many children from as many women as announced daily on-line? Okay, he no bi Oyibo. Na American. No, na Black man.
Nigerian women are quick to shout for Oyibo marriage. How many of Nigerian women are ready for the real Oyibo marriage with a Nigerian man ready for it in all its ramifications in Nigeria.
There is no Oyibo marriage or Nigerian marriage. It is people who get married.
Make we dey leave some of dis comparisons in d shadows.
The world is now a small global village. Even those who have not travelled from their homesteads in the backwaters of Nigeria now know and see what happens around the world
Lady Stella, please post. Thanks. Doh.
I pray for some of u today, May u never have a reason to bring ur very valid problems in marriage to this blog because men, see the blaming like u are in the wrong. See comments na. Couldn't even read all. Jesus! They don't see a problem with him chatting with his ex at midnight and deleting it, they dont see the problem with him lieing about his bad habit which you obviously don't want? They dont see the problem with him keeping late nights.
ReplyDeleteBut no, u are the nag for calling him out on his bullshit.
Poster, take a break. Go to ur parents. They don't have to know what is going on yet. Just go there to clear ur head so u will be in the best position to figure out the next best thing for urself and ur unborn kid.
How do you know he lied
DeleteHe said he stopped smoking he never said he had never smoked. So what he started again
He’s not the first to lie about something. You don’t know everything
People are telling her they sense he’s a good guy that she’s trying to mold into her own model. Let her relax and enjoy him
If you want to be with some one you’re sure will never do something, marry the dead. People change
@Eka Joy, there are people who understand and empathize with the poster. Personally I'm so appalled by the comments that I don't know what to say. Is this the kind of situation Nigerian marriages face? 😲 I feel sorry for Nigerian married women, Tueh!!!
DeleteI cannot and absolutely cannot believe the comments I’m seeing ! I seriously cannot !
ReplyDeleteIf this is what you people call marriage and say you’re happily married then I really pity you because this is bottom barrel marriage!
A newly wed man stays out late , chats with his ex at night and lied to his wife about his smoking ways and you people are blaming the woman ?
The woman who wanted a companionship and a close relationship with her husband?
Na wa oo
Lady MorgiannE
My head was literally hurting reading the comments. Those of us that know and live the difference should be giving thanksgiving everyday in church because I can't believe what ppl are advised to condone in marriage
DeleteMe i Don taya like this, just 1 year marriage o.
DeleteHow can anyone be okay with a man that stays out late every fking day, like how????
God abeg oooo, continue to keep and bless my husband for me.
Society has so normalized the acceptance of bad behaviorfrom men, it is crazy. See how women are here telling this woman to calm down that she isn’t ready for marriage. If this is what you folks take in the name of marriage, its better to be single for life. Turn the tables and see if the man in question will take half of what he is dishing out to his wife. This man literally comes home when it is time for bed, and i am sure he will still demand for sex at night. How can you treat your wife like crap and expect her to treat you right? Is she not a human being with feelings? If these men are not ready for marriage, they should stay single. But no, they will hide all their bad character just to get the woman, and when they feel they have her, they reveal it all. This life is simple, show yourself from the beginning and if you both are comfortable with your flaws, you go ahead with the marriage, not being deceitful just to get a woman you know has her shit together. For those of you comfortable with nonsense, continue in your marriages. not everyone has the tolerance for nonsense. Some people show up 100percent in their marriages and expect no less from their spouse. This man will not tolerate this behavior if it was coming from his wife. You people should stop enabling these men, marriage is not a do or die affair, and as long as women keep enabling bad behavior from men, they will continue to act stupid.
ReplyDeletePoints made. Challenge here is that Poster stayed on. Once she found the deceit, she should have left. But even her parents would not have supported her. They would have asked her three questions: is he bringing money, is he sleeping at home and with you. Is he bringing his chat partners home. You know the answers and what they would have told her
DeleteTruth be told, society has allotted to each gender favours and burdens. Only very few people operate outside the societal alloted areas.
21:56 Not my own family.
DeleteThank God and I am so grateful.
My own will jejely bundle me out and help me pack my load.
My parents taught us to never tolerate rubbish and bare minimum.
Ever.
Poster, I think the best way to manage the situation is to get a life for yourself.
ReplyDeleteYour concerns are absolutely valid. Don't let anybody minimize the way you feel. You are the one wearing the shoes and the one who truly knows why it is pinching like this. If a man had come here to share the exact same story about his wife, I bet the comments will be very very very different.
Get a life. Women are always so quick to drop their interests, hobbies and friends immediately they settle down. Do not lose your individuality and make your man your full time job. The reason he is the center of your universe and you're so focused on him is because you don't have a life. Make friends, attend social activities, take up hobbies, join a gym, take a new course etc. Find what you really enjoy and pour yourself into it. Let him crave your attention too. Leave his phone alone, and contrary to what some others have said, don't be desperately trying to tag along on his outings. If he wanted you to attend, he would've extended an invite.
When you are busy, you naturally start to ignore certain things because you are occupied by other things. Focus on yourself. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Most people are incapable of taking what they dish out, I bet once you stop following his every move, he will start resetting mentally.
The bar is inside the gutters. I cannot believe women do not see any problem with this man’s behavior. Why do women work soooo hard to massage men’s ego? They do all the emotional, domestic , and in recent times, the financial labor(because of the bad economy). Bend their backs over just so the man can be comfortable, and what do they get in return? Are you lots so desperate to be married that you will do everything possible to “keep” a man? Tufiakwa. It is better to be single than settle for what you lots call marriage.apparently a lot of crap is acceptable in marriage except domestic violence. This man has no time for his new family and obviously does not prioritize his wife.he literally lied about his habbits, and is chatting with an ex in the middle of the night, and Nigerian women are like “ the woman is the problem”. Make una enjoy una sufferhead marriage. If this is the type of marriage you lots have, i would rather remain single for life. God forbid i give all my energy to a man that is not matching it 100percent. Ma’am, i dont think that man loves you. A man that loves you will make accommodations for you. He will want to make you happy. Decide if you can live with his flaws, if you cant, get out early before baby number 2 comes. God help you make the right call
ReplyDeleteThere is a problem with SMOKING and there is nothing wrong if you don’t want a spouse who smokes..
ReplyDeleteFrom Cigarette,you will want to try “this and that” and before you know it you have “migrated” to the senior brother,if the health effects of the smoking comes;you will be the one married to a smoker to stay with him or her and pause your life;all because of a bad smoking decision someone made;and funny enough the world MUST want you to understand at that point..
If I have 100 friends,90 smokes and No they are good people when it comes to character,but most started smoking due to where we grew up(my area in Aba) and our environment,while some due to peer pressure,some for social sake or some other reasons..
I have watched many fall seriously sick health wise,seen many die due to no money when the illness comes up,some are still in rehab till today due to hard drugs,some survived rehab,some are street junks today,some with kidney issues etc..
Is smoking good? NO
Will I have married a smoker? NOOOO
Would I have married an active smoker with the very best of character? NOOOOOOO
Will I be great or best of friends with you if you are a smoker? YES and I would never judge you..
Am I selfish for my choices? Yes or No,doesn’t matter..my decision
Poster if smoking is your deal breaker and this man doesn’t want to talk about it or make attempts to quit;do the best for your peace..
Priorities differ in life;that it’s right to many for a husband to stay out till 10pm when it’s not work or Biz related every blessed day isn’t right;you are human with emotions..
Smoking is bad,it doesn’t mean the smoker is bad..
Till you lose friends and loved ones to smoking;you won’t understand..
Poster please I’m not justifying you hitting him at any point or nagging;whatever costs you your peace is too expensive to be kept..
Your husband with all you stated in this chronicle won’t quit smoking..
Don’t let the world make you look foolish because of a “selfish” healthy standard you have set for yourself and kids in future..
@MARTINS
Martins you deserve a bottle, no capping or yapping like the other zazu there!!!!!
DeleteWise comment. For habits and vices, two have to agree for marriage to be peaceful. Be honest with your vices and be sure your partner accepts it before una marry, period
DeleteSmoking is not bad or good
DeleteIt’s just not for you
Let others live their lives
Thank you Martins.
DeleteSmoking is a deal breaker to some of us. See them blaming the poster for not liking smoking. Why did the man lie that he stopped? Ok, he started again after stopping, why can't he be remorseful and make efforts to stop or reduce it? He stays out late and chats with his ex, yet some women do not see a problem with those habits. Some women can chop shit sha. I must be a Mrs by force.
You are a very sensible man, Martin. A family man staying out late every night is a bit problematic. My partner and I both stay out separately a few nights a week but every night would be exhausting and a tad irresponsible. I don’t understand how chatting with exes is acceptable to anyone on this blog. A smoker, someone who does drugs and single parents are a big no for me. I’m not saying they are not decent people but I just don’t want that in my life. Now, I will be highly upset if I find out that my partner has been secretly smoking despite knowing my preferences. I think her points are valid and she has every reason to be upset and disappointed. What she ordered turned out to be different from what she received. However, I suspect she isn’t handling that situation very well and needs to work on that.
DeletePerfection exists nowhere.
ReplyDeleteYou stopped cooking as a way of punishment?
How can you use food to punish anyone, your husband for that matter?
Now that he's cooking for himself and chose the ignore option you're feeling bad.
You needed the grace of God not to hit your husband?
Madam you're a real workload.
If you know you can't deal anymore, take a long walk and abort the pregnancy without letting him know instead of using a kid as an excuse of staying put.
By the way, why are you a stay at home wife?
Abeg did you find out about the pregnancy while ouere typing this your chronicle because you already happy you didn't get pregnant and thanked God you waited one year. Na wa o, you sure some of these people are not just fantastical liars? Is any of this true abi na fiction you de?
ReplyDeleteMe too I surprise.
DeletePoster, your husband is not the type of person you want to be married to. Period.
ReplyDeleteHe may not change soon except a life or death experience happens to him in course of any of his habits.
Decide what you want to do. And act fast taking full responsibility for your actions.
The women telling you to manage are looking at saving your marriage. They may not be living in same conditions as you so may not even understand how you feel. Most of them are also speaking from the general society way of encouraging marriages until the parties decide they want out.
Till you decide and act, avoid violence.
Poster I feel your paid because I can't cope with a smoker too. But in marriage when ever you have a misunderstanding with your husband, so far as you are still in that house please never stop cooking. You can show your anger in other ways but pls not through food. Because it doesn't solve the problem as fast as you want.
ReplyDeleteInstead when you cook and still throw face he will try his best to reconcile with you because his stomach is full. A lesson for others, if smoking is a deal breaker for you, immediately you see a chat that he smoked before just run and end that relationship. Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeleteWell let me Advise:Madam let me tell you the whole truth:Men Don't change!They onlym adjustments!!And this adjustments can come after a long long time!!
ReplyDeleteSee my sister,as I usually say:Don't allow anyone make you not live life to the full!!. Trying to forebear and endure what you can't change is a suicide on your joy and desires for the future.Dont manage marriage for any reason!!Don't manage pain and unhappiness!..If you know that this your marriage decision is affecting your peace of mind..walk away!You can be traveling to Lagos and suddenly you see your self in Kaduna and then you say.. anyway since I missed my way.let me just enter Kaduna..no!!..make a uturn..face Lagos road..no matter how far you think you drove to Kaduna..a late right direction is better that a present wrong direction..I wish you well
My dear buy a carton of cigarette for him.
ReplyDeleteThere’s nothing wrong with hanging out a few nights a week but every night? That’s a bit much, TBH. When your baby arrives, I wonder if he’ll still continue hanging out with his mates while you are stuck at home doing baby duties. On the smoking issue, he should have been honest. I find smokers repulsive but that’s my own preference. It’s very hard to give up smoking so you should support him as much as you can if this is something you really can’t stand and ONLY if he is willing to work on quitting. Now, the texting an ex for me is the main issue. That’s problematic and you need to speak to him about this. On the other hand, you sound like a piece of work. Snooping for no reason and constant nagging can be highly irritating and frustrating. You’ll also destroy your mental health. Speak to him, try to work out issues and hope for the best. You should stress the point that honesty and bonding in a marriage are very important points for you. Perhaps ask him if it would be acceptable for you to go out every night and speak to exes. Maybe he’ll understand how his behaviour is affecting you if you try turning the tables. Good luck and remember, no man is worth high blood pressure.
ReplyDeleteSmoking is a big deal. First of all it shows he doesn’t care about his health. Yes, it’s his health but as his wife, his health concerns you. Smoking is an addiction and him lying about it to you shows he’s struggling with it. I was in the same boat with my hubby. I didn’t know he smoked until we got married. It caused all sorts of wahala but at the end of the day, I had to encourage him to quit for the sake of our family.
ReplyDeleteThe going out thing too is similar with my hubby. Had to let him know I’m not against him going out, just the frequency. Your hubby needs to set special time for you too and not just his friends.
Aunty, you wan destroy your marriage. Staying out to 9.30 or 10pm isn't bad if it happens occasionally. I think say u wan talk 1am. What is wrong with smoking cigarettes? In Nigeria, it is thought that people who smoke are bad but that is not true. No take had destroy your marriage.
ReplyDelete