Hmmm.....
MOTHER AND SON ISSUE
My friend and his wife are in a difficult situation and I don't know how to advise my friend. I don't like getting into marriage issues but maybe you people can help.
My friend and his wife have always had issues on and off in their five year marriage but it has always been centred on his mum and when she comes around to visit. My friend doesn't like his mum coming to his home which is weird, his wife on the other hand loves her MIL.
The MIL is so helpful with cooking and taking care of the children that my friend's wife prefers the MIL coming than her own mum, because her mum is a big woman and isn't helpful. Anytime my friend's mum comes from her state of residence, he wants her gone in like 3 days meanwhile the state is far and maximum 1 week.
The issue now is, his wife just had a baby and mama has been around for a week and he has been saying she should go back home, his father is late so it's not like she's neglecting his father. The wife has pleaded, cajoled and even cried but he didn't answer. So my friend boldly told his mum to get out of his house last week and it didn't sit well with the wife because because she felt it was rude.
The wife said no, MIL isn't going anywhere and my friend left the house for them.
When the wife called me crying and explained the situation, I was perplexed, I know he takes care of his mum. He bought her a car last year, built her a shop this year when her rented shop was giving her problems.
He sends her money and he's a good and dutiful son in all ways except not wanting his mum to be in his house. So I went to the hotel he was staying to confront him and thought he had a babe but he doesn't cheat and honestly he's not with any woman. I persuaded him and questioned him but didn't get any answer, then we went to the bar and had drinks and I kept on asking him. That's how my friend broke down, that he doesn't want his mum to influence his wife because she wasn't a good wife to his father. That his father was working in another state to provide for the home when they were growing up and he grew up with his mum steady cheating on his father.
She used to bring men home and even send the children to her lovers. That the woman was caught several times and the paternity of two of his siblings were questioned. That he believes her acts led to the death of his father as one of her lovers laced her with something that made his father sick when they copulated and that she confessed to it all.
OMG........Can you preach to your friend to forgive his mum and move on from this? Can you also tell him to take his wife into confidence and tell her everything so that she understands where he is coming from and why he is so adamant on not having her around? Nah wah oh.... This is really serious...
Maybe he should confront her and give her a chance to talk to him like a mother to a son!
Obviously the mom knows why the son don't want him in his house. But guy, no matter what, a mother still remains a mother. He should forgive her inorder to heal. I think he's yet to heal from it all. What if the mother is a changed woman now?
ReplyDeleteLet his actions don't push her to fall sick or contemplate killing herself. Rejection can be so painful and lead to unpleasant action.
Pls let your friend go for a counseling section. A part of him still feel messed up and need to be healed.
Please forgive mama and open up to your wife about it all. Your wife isn't a kid. If she loves you very well she won't change for any reason not even your mom can influence her.
Teejay words are wisdom..
DeleteThanks for the compliment @OfficialPrestige.
DeleteIf not that God forgives us for whatever we do,no matter how aggravating it is en,some mothers don’t deserve any forgiveness in this life and in the next.My own mother left when I was 3 and my sis was a few months and said if she wants to die let her die.we are both taking care of her now though she has other children but thr reluctance is always there when she asks for stuff.God forgive me
DeleteEyya
DeleteHe has deep resentment for his mother which he has to deal with.
His mother is older and wiser now and can’t teach his wife such
He also needs to trust his wife cus why get married if he doesn’t trust the woman he married.
He needs to work on two things; trust and forgiveness
Push up( original)
Thank you Push up....
DeleteWhat the mother did was bad but still it doesn't defiles forgiveness and acceptance. She cheated quite bad but it's years ago. Don't people change for good? Why then are we Christians? Didn't Christ forgives Mary Magdalene over this same issue of cheating?
Can we really exonerate the late father that he didn't cheat all through when he was alone?
Will he be happy he hold onto this feelings and hurt till this woman pass away?
Guy, your friend better make up with his mother now she's alive before a time comes he will look and wish he did.
I wish he can read this post today.
@16:41 Ever heard that foolish people grow old too? Forget! The mum can't tell his wife such,now. Until his wife is in need. Then her true colours will come out. Now the wife hasn't sought her advice, so we don't know if she has changed.
DeletePoster, Maybe your friend's wife has a big mouth and he doesn't want her to lose respect for his mum; that's why he's not telling her anything. He wants his wife to still respect his mother.
2. Your friend needs to have a conversation with his mother. He needs to remind her that what she is doing makes him uncomfortable because he hasn't forgotten the past. He needs to threaten her that if she doesn't stop, he will stop sending her money. She is abusing his boundaries after traumatising him so much ad a child.
3. Your friend is a very good man to even be faithful to his wife after seeing what women can do.
4. Lastly, as a wife, let me advice you. When you enter a home and your husband tells you "do like this" just do it for peacesake. Be watchful and make observations on your own and if you feel adjustments need to be made, have a separate conversation with him about your observations. From there, him go talk. Now the way she has acted, her husband doesn't trust her to open up to her. If she obeyed, by now he for don tell her wetin dey sup.
The wife needs to open her eyes well
This is really tough but if he opens up to the wife, she might start being hostile to the woman and a good relationship between a DIL and a MIL is rare so poster should be diplomatic with advice.
DeletePoster I believe you’re the one that can give a solution here as mediator. The man is in pain and trauma but needs help for that not to punish his wife. Having a child is no joke ooooo it’s very hard on a new mum, his wife needs help BIKO! Let him put his feelings aside and let MIL help out for now but he should get help too
ReplyDeleteWhen they say 'Wosdom is profitable to direct' , people dey form not hearing. Regardless of anything, the wife SHOULD NOT HAVE openly confronted him against his stance. There were obviously deeper issues here that a discerning wife should've known. Now, she has sown a seed that I pray didn't germinate later.
DeleteAs for the friend, step out of it. There's no way you can intervene in this issue and am quite certain he may even regret telling you.
This can only be resolved if he relays his fear, concerns and reservations about his mum to his wife. They just need to talk it out. He needs to talk to his mum also because he's really pained, he needs a bit of closure.
ReplyDeleteSincerely he might not be able to tell the wife the whole truth, a secret that is causing him deep pain, he wouldn't want a situation the woman will be using it against him in the heat argument or she might tell someone or worse thing she could be disrespecting his mother with this disgraceful truth.
DeleteIt's such a painful thing. He should try to forgive his mother else the hurt will still be there in his heart.
ReplyDeleteSorry to say, but your friend's wife is not wise. If a man who takes care of his mother so much yet wont let her stay with him for an extended period, the wife should know that something is up! Before I got to the end, I knew there was a past that is still haunting that man; a trauma he hasn't healed from. And thank God he confessed it.
DeleteThat wife is either very immature or dull. No normal man will treat his mum this way so rather than argue with him thereby pushing him away, she should have taken her time to try and know what transpired in the past. No be everything be fight! Does she think she loves her MIL more than he does? Smh ... wisdom is truly profitable
Men and their hypocrisy, does he know how his father lived his life where he was working, guess he didn't know, now he's judging his mum, he belive his mom cause his father's death? Does he has evidence? Pls he keep on judging a woman a man turned into a baby making machine without attention, who didn't his father take his family to where he's working, your guess is good as mine. He have a woman too but MBA you're here judging your mum,
ReplyDeleteI can’t believe someone with sense typed what you just did.his father wasn’t bring women to their home even if he was cheating.He wasn’t sending his kids to go stay with his concubines.How anyone can try to justify what this persons mom did is beyond me.
DeleteNawao, una go sha turn everything upside down
DeleteAmacastel please learn to be objective and not sentimental when you are giving advice. Stick to what the poster wrote instead of manufacturing facts that would fit ur narrative, don’t forget that there are good men, and there are bad women too. What this poster is saying is that his frnd’s dad was a good man, on the other hand the mom was a bad woman, she was a cheat. I did not see where you showed ur displeasure for the mom’s past actions, instead you have concluded that it is the father that turned her into a cheat. Though even the owner of the narrative did not mention such.
DeleteBringing the men to their house and sending the children to her lovers is a shameful act. I pity those children thier paternity not sure off because they are aware of mother's wakawaka.
DeleteThe mama no try she for do her ahewo outside. I don't blame your friend shah. But eh, he should allow her finish the "omugo". He needs to tell his wife and even if he forgives his mum, him no go forget o. The memory where he stored his mum wakawaka can't be erased and only God can fix it.
DeleteYou're a disgrace
DeleteThe wife might start disrespecting his mom if he tells her his reason for not wanting her around. Please just preach forgiveness to him. Good afternoon
ReplyDeleteI don't think she will do so. Disrespect her how? Is the wife a kid or perfect? Did she have a better past before she got married?
DeleteI agree with you.
DeleteMarriage is overrated. Never discuss ur mother shortcomings with us wife. They will fight one day and use it against you or ur mum
DeleteMarriage is never overrated dear. Won't it have been better he didn't even tell the friend as well being an outsider? If his friend can be on the know, then why won't the wife his better half? Unless if the wife is a bad woman or one that can't be trusted.
DeleteIt will shock you to know that a good number of women have this ability to defend and cover up their husband's mess before the public unless the man is a bad husband and give every reason for him to be exposed or ridiculed.
Your friend should forgive,maybe his mom has changed and trying to make up by being dutiful and kind to his household,I know forgiveness is hard but there is nothing too hard for God..he should just try,it's well
ReplyDeleteHonestly your friend is wrong,tell him to forgive his mum and allow peace to reign.
ReplyDeleteWhy is he judging her when he probably might not know the whole story,she was wrong but it is not his place to torture her because of her past.
In my opinion, he has done nothing wrong. No one can explain how traumatizing those times were to him.
DeleteHe doesn't need to hear any full story, an adult is meant to be responsible and live life how they want to be treated.
Her ways are judging her not her son. She needs to apologise for the pain she has caused her children.
What fuckin whole story?
DeleteHow Una take dey always won support unasefs in only nonsense..
There are some fuckin lines you don't cross..
*Bringing men to your home and letting your kids be in the know..
*Sending your kids to deliver trash messages to your lover..etc
Imagine the ridicule they'll be passing in their mates hand, when those one would insult them that their mom is an harlots.. even if you won run things, there are lines you don't cross.. some people no just get any sense at all,. When you talk now, them go come argue..
There are some things you don't do in the presence of kids, it damages them for life if they're not lucky..
When my elder sis and kids came to spend hols with me, I had to curtail some of my routine/lifestyle..
Abeg make she no infect him wifey with her woke mindset.. na him know wetin him see for him mama hand wey him no want to repeat itself
If you grew up with a parent that cheats, especially a mom, you would not say what you said. May God forgive you, i also grew up with one, i am a woman, it is the chapter of my life that i never ever want to read out loud.
DeleteI actually agree with this, the mother should keep a healthy distance, forgiveness doesn't mean amnesia, the person you hurt might still be traumatized and people will be preaching, as if they are in the person's mind to know how he/she feels.
DeleteParents should stop having this mindset that every negative thing they did will pass away, sometimes, it won't, I know 2 people that struggle in relating with a parent cos of financial neglect, cheating and other issues when they were younger.
Your friend should forgive,maybe his mom has changed and trying to make up by being dutiful and kind to his household,I know forgiveness is hard but there is nothing too hard for God..he should just try,it's well
ReplyDeleteAhhh, dis one hard o😪
ReplyDeleteYour friend should forgive,maybe his mom has changed and trying to make up by being dutiful and kind to his household,I know forgiveness is hard but there is nothing too hard for God..he should just try,it's well
ReplyDeleteChange for old age when kpekus don weak,married women and married men cheating repent .
DeleteI don't think the issue is about forgiveness. It is a very terrible traumatic experience and I don't blame him for not wanting the mum around coz he doesn't want her to influence his wife. If na you nko..
ReplyDeleteAbeg she should go to her house afterall he provided everything she needs so she doesn't have to come to his house
How can you be bringing men to your matrimonial home with your kids around.. if she has a daughter, ma wahala be that oooo
He should forgive his mother and not tell his wife anything.
ReplyDeleteI think he needs to have a conversation with his mom and tell her his fears.Afterwards,he should genuinely forgive his mom and move on but he shouldn't tell his wife what's up not all women can handle such secret to avoid disrespect from your wife to your mum.
ReplyDeleteIf only he can sit his wife down and explain everything that happened in the past to her so she understands exactly why he's always not comfortable with his mum being around, this problem would be half solved.
ReplyDeleteCandidly, let mama go home. So he can return homem Then let him explain to his wife,
ReplyDeleteThe wife should look for a maid and respect the man's decision. Some pain hardly go off. The man is willing to build mansion for his mum from afar than allowing her stay with him. Seems each time he sees her, the pain of what she did comes up. Allow him please before he kills her one day in his house out of bottled anger
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, some pain hardly goes off. Maybe anytime he sees her, he relieves the pain again. Nobody can tell him how to deal with trauma abeg. Poster pls tell the wife the husband is dealing with his childhood trauma and allow him to heal at his own pace. She should stay away from his mum
DeleteLet him go meet his mother and resolve his anger with her. He's there for her but he hasn't forgiven her for so many things
ReplyDeleteIf you the mediator tell his wife;she might use it to insult her husband on a very good day they would have a slight misunderstanding knowing that one would touch him well,or even start disrespecting her MIL cos surely see finish has entered..
ReplyDeleteAdvice him to forgive and get an elderly woman to do the job for the new born..
A secret remains so when you are the only one aware of it;this isn’t a good one and there should be boundary between your Nuclear and Extended family as regards certain information for the sake of respect for all parties involved..
The wife too wouldn’t want her husband to update the mum if she ever cheated;you get it?
@MARTINS
Haaaaaa I thought nothing is new again on this earth.....sins of the past is after the mum.
ReplyDeletePls poster tell your friend to forgive his mum.yes she may have caused the death of her late husband,but the bible says we must forgive.pls so the mum doesn't die of heart ache
ReplyDeleteMay God help the guy to forgive his mum.
ReplyDeleteHe loves his mum, but her presence brings back this unpleasant memory about her past.
Since he can tell you this as a friend, why cant he just narrate this calmly to his wife?
His wife loves his mum, and i am sure his wife will help him through the process of forgiving his mum. The wife is in a better position to solve this. This mil might be a changed person. The wife will not hate or disrespect a loving mil for her past, she has not wronged the wife in anyway. And the mil will definitely not influence the wife against her own son.
I pray for healing for your friend and his mum. It is well.
And kudos to mil for taking care of his dil and grandchildren.
Sista Jane.
Maybe his mom is timid and the wife is taking the opportunity to use her like a slave, something she can't do with her own mom cos shes a "big woman", nobody will want to see their mom being used.
ReplyDeleteThis could be another good angle from it as well.
DeleteOr maybe the wife even knows the story and sees that everything the MIL is doing is because she wants to make up with her son and the wife is taking advantage of it.with women,what you allow is what will continue.
DeleteYou just said the absolute truth 💯
DeleteHusband has said his reason, you are saying timid, isn't this am easier conversation to have with his wife than his mom cheated? The fact is the guy is still traumatized, mama should keep her distance abeg.
DeletePoster advice your friend to forgive his Mom and move on from the hurt of the past...also the wife should never hear about her MIL past life, women are unpredictable...before she will start disrespecting the old woman due to what she heard
ReplyDeleteHe has forgiven his mum,but not forgotten all her wrong doings, please dont tell the wife,tell her to obey her husband,she cannot love the mother inlaw more than the son,if the woman was not domesticated,we will not be having this discussion.
ReplyDeleteYou think it's wise the friend knows about it and the wife don't? Between the wife and friend who do you think should have known about it? Remember, one is an outsider and you never can tell.
DeleteUnless she's a bad wife. I have said overtime and won't stop saying, no one protects and cover a man like the wife he has at home. Unless such a man is treating her badly and even in such cases, some women still cover their husband before the public.
No, he hasn't forgiven his mother. Forgiveness doesn't makes one feel hurt. He still feel hurt. Forgiveness brings healing and peace and that he lacks at the moment.
I hope my comment made sense to you.
Ladies are telling you that telling his wife is a bad idea, you keep emphasizing good wife, even good wives misyarn at times. Let the secret remain as it is before they will call family meeting.
DeleteAnon 18:31
DeleteGod bless you. This is why many men meet terrible women. They never heed to warnings from women themselves.
Women are telling u the risk of telling a wife such sensitive info about ur mother, you're still arguing with them. Some of us know what we have seen and many speak out of experience.
You're still living in the clouds talking about a woman will cover a man.
Only a truly good woman would when things go south. Imagine when they have an issue, she could just say insultive things about ur mother to hurt you. Now imagine being married to a bad woman (that u men love to marry). Also, how do u think she would see her MIL now?
You are playing with fire if u think it is wise to go about sharing deep dark secrets about ur own parents.
Also, this so called wife has proven to be be unwise. Imagine fighting her husband without trying to reason deeply as to why he doesnt want his mum (who he generously takes care of) to stay around him for long. A wise, mature person would know that something in the past went wrong. But aunty dey form fighter ontop his own mother! How?? That's the woman you think would cover his shame when the hard times creep in?? I think not!
Also, the fact that he told his friend and not his wife, should tell u that he probably doesnt trust her with such info, no? But u want to know better than him na abi? As the saintly man that u are na. Better wise up.
Madam leave your husband to handle his mum as his heart allows him.
ReplyDeleteOh, I forgot you are a third party. Just let the man be. Pray for your friend to find good paid help or help her.
And repay the man his trust in you by keeping your lips over all he told you
Welldone for being a good friend.
At your last sentence, I still think he's yet to be termed a 'good' friend at the moment until he helps his friend heals over this. The friend confided in him on trust and purpose. He owes him that responsibility of finding and bringing peace and healing in his life.
DeleteUntil then, he hasn't done anything spectacular and I believe that's the reason he sort our advice.
Omg 😱 I am speechless!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe he has forgiven his mum but can’t seem to forget her actions that came with consequences.His wife should listen to her husband for now,and let him handle his mum the way he deems fit.As time goes on he might forgive her totally and change his attitude towards her. The mother also needs to realize she made mistakes and try to plead with her children for a total forgiveness and prove she is a new person that has let go of her past life.Who knows the other kids might be bearing grudges against her too she needs to call her kids seat them down and tender a heartfelt apology to them and promise to do better.Maybe then they will forgive her and let it all go.
ReplyDeleteDid you read this last lines where it was mentioned she confessed?
Delete...."something that made his father sick when they copulated and that she confessed to it all."
If she confessed, don't you think she also may have asked for forgiveness? Why do you think she's not yet a changed person at her age or haven't asked to be forgiven?
If this woman pass on now, will it give him that peace and healing?
A mother whether good or bad will always remain a mother and there's no two ways about it.
"A mother good or bad will always remain a mother..."
DeleteSo a bad mother is still a mother? Even the ones that abuse their children? The ones that sell/abandon them? The ones that give them to men to sleep with? The ones that kill others? The ones that kill their children's fathers too ?
Lol You are incredibly naive. Sit this one out.
The thing is, untop that his father staying in another state and her mom bringing men to the house, there is a truth only his mum can tell him.
ReplyDeleteHe should find out why instead of hating on his mom.
Something Don sup between mama and papa inside that marriage. Even papa know the matter well well.
It's his mum, he's in the best position to forgive her or not. Now let's turn the tables, let's assume it was the father that committed all these atrocities that allegedly led to his mum's death, will you same bvs advise him to forgive his father and act like nothing happened? It's just a harmless question, I'm not being sentimental or biased.
ReplyDeletePoster, your friend is in the best position to tell his wife anything. Don't even put mouth because they're family, they may likely use you to settle and you become the intruder. I pray he gets over the trauma and forgive his mum genuinely.
The mom knows why the son is sending her laeving. She is supposed to respectfully go. To prove her bad attitude, she knows her presence is causing issues, yet she stayed put. A wise mother should have gone back to her base to let peace raign.
ReplyDeleteYour friend should not tell the wife exactly what the problem is but should sit her down & plead with her to understand him.
You on your part should also talk to the wife as the trusted friend of the family. Tell her to let things be for now. Let mother in-law go for the sake of peace.
The mother seems like a very self centred woman who cares very little about others' feelings. That's why she was shameless enough to bring men to the house where her kids reside. She did all those things without caring about how they feel. She still has signs of that character because why are u trying to cause issues in ur children's homes? She knows very well why they are keeping her at arms length but she wants to force herself in their presence even when they're asking her to leave?
DeleteSo she'd rather they fight with their spouses than for her to just leave at the right time for the sake of peace? Na wa o.
That's probably why forgiveness is taking such a long time for them. She's likely still pissing them off.
And yes. They shouldn't tell their spouses!!
Thank you all, I have forwarded the link to my friend. The update however is that his siblings all came around to para for mama to go back home. They said she's wicked and selfish and wants to spoil her son's home, that how can she still stay in the house after her son moved out for her? Anyway, mama is back to base but it seems this issue is beyond my friend seems it is an agreement among the five siblings but they all agreed not to tell the wife or their respective spouses just that they don't want their mother in their homes. It is so sad, I feel for the woman and I hope God will change her children's attitude in her favour. Thank you all.
ReplyDeleteShe needs to give them respect and space. They have forgiven her obviously that's why they take care of her and are in her life. But she seems to not acknowledge the trauma they are still dealing with. She does seem selfish to me because if they ask u to leave, leave instead of causing problems in their own marriages. That's what a truly remorse person would do. If she gives them the respect she never did when they were kids, slowly but surely, they will learn to find peace with her. She has to do her part, not trying to force her way in.
DeleteMay God help us to not mess up like this. Consequences of some mistakes are unfixable