STAND ALONE NATTATIVE
TOXIC FAMILY
Hello Stella, please post, I need your advice and that of beevees'
on how to deal with my situation as I'm losing my mind.
So, I met my boyfriend last year February and since then we've been good and on the same page with each other(tho we've had our ups and downs). Oga decided to take the ship to another level this year.
Note: Before he came home to see my people I didn't know my mum doesn't want any of her children to marry from his tribe(Rivers, Ogoni precisely). As there is no cordial r/ship btwn my mum and I. Y'all won't believe my mum went as far as saying she went to a spiritual church and they said he's a ritualist, that I won't stay up to a year he'll use me for ritual... she later confessed that it's a lie. Hmmm
I'm from a polygamous family, my mum gave birth to 4 and I'm the last child while my step siblings are 7 and none is married. In my family there's no love, unity or even respect. Before my friend came to see my people, my elder sister and elder brother were not in good terms but after his coming they formed an alliance against me.
On his two visits my elder sister was intentionally absent for reasons best known to her. She drastically became everyone's favourite, started doing things that ordinarily she doesn't do.
On his first visit my parents didn't receive him well especially my mum, though he was given a drink but their body language said it all.
On his second visit he came with his close friend(a pastor), and other casual friends. At the end of the meeting they said they'll get back to him.
Since my friend came home in June no one has said anything to me or anything relating to the meeting held. We've decided to go to court and wed without my parents.
He hasn't told his guardians yet b/cus of my parents behaviour towards him. He doesn't want a situation whereby he'll come with his guardians and get disappointed. He's an orphan (no mother, father, sister or brother).
My questions are:
*Even if my parents are against our marriage, why can't my siblings stand by me; at least they are educated (all graduate), exposed and should know better.
*Is it a crime to bring a man home? Will it be better to get pregnant out of wedlock and bring the child home? Or start fornicating and when I get preggy I abort?
*Could it be that it is b/cus he doesn't have parents or siblings? NB: His late dad cheated on his late mum hence she left the marriage with him.
*Do you people think there's more to all these wahala they're giving me in the house? B/cus my sister's fiance is from Andoni and they've been together for 7years. It's been 2 years since he came home with his friends to see my people but nothing has happened till date.
I know within me that the court marriage thingy doesn't sit well with him, cutting out my parents from the picture.
I'm emotionally drained, I can't seem to think straight and it's affecting the way I relate with people, my job and social life.
I need advice...
Hello Stella, please post, I need your advice and that of beevees'
on how to deal with my situation as I'm losing my mind.
So, I met my boyfriend last year February and since then we've been good and on the same page with each other(tho we've had our ups and downs). Oga decided to take the ship to another level this year.
Note: Before he came home to see my people I didn't know my mum doesn't want any of her children to marry from his tribe(Rivers, Ogoni precisely). As there is no cordial r/ship btwn my mum and I. Y'all won't believe my mum went as far as saying she went to a spiritual church and they said he's a ritualist, that I won't stay up to a year he'll use me for ritual... she later confessed that it's a lie. Hmmm
I'm from a polygamous family, my mum gave birth to 4 and I'm the last child while my step siblings are 7 and none is married. In my family there's no love, unity or even respect. Before my friend came to see my people, my elder sister and elder brother were not in good terms but after his coming they formed an alliance against me.
My elder sister practically stopped talking to me and started giving me cold looks and the likes.
On his two visits my elder sister was intentionally absent for reasons best known to her. She drastically became everyone's favourite, started doing things that ordinarily she doesn't do.
On his first visit my parents didn't receive him well especially my mum, though he was given a drink but their body language said it all.
On his second visit he came with his close friend(a pastor), and other casual friends. At the end of the meeting they said they'll get back to him.
Since my friend came home in June no one has said anything to me or anything relating to the meeting held. We've decided to go to court and wed without my parents.
He hasn't told his guardians yet b/cus of my parents behaviour towards him. He doesn't want a situation whereby he'll come with his guardians and get disappointed. He's an orphan (no mother, father, sister or brother).
My questions are:
*Even if my parents are against our marriage, why can't my siblings stand by me; at least they are educated (all graduate), exposed and should know better.
*Is it a crime to bring a man home? Will it be better to get pregnant out of wedlock and bring the child home? Or start fornicating and when I get preggy I abort?
*Is my sister's attitude towards me normal or it is as a result of envy?
*Should we proceed on the court marriage without my parents and just move on?
*Could it be that it is b/cus he doesn't have parents or siblings? NB: His late dad cheated on his late mum hence she left the marriage with him.
*Do you people think there's more to all these wahala they're giving me in the house? B/cus my sister's fiance is from Andoni and they've been together for 7years. It's been 2 years since he came home with his friends to see my people but nothing has happened till date.
I know within me that the court marriage thingy doesn't sit well with him, cutting out my parents from the picture.
I'm emotionally drained, I can't seem to think straight and it's affecting the way I relate with people, my job and social life.
I need advice...
*Ah what is all these?
You have a wicked family, and i mean parents and siblings.
Please take your guy to the registry an marry and leave your toxic family alone.
Ha!!! Make I just read comments. I am learning. Good afternoon
ReplyDelete1. Your sister is envious hence DANGEROUS. 2. Are you sure of what your fiance does for work? Better investigate because calling him a ritualist bothers me. Be sure before you lose your life, there are too many stories of young girls used by their partners for rituals. I am VERY WORRIED that he has NO FAMILY MEMBERS. Until recently, Nigerian women didn't leave their marriage because of cheating, his story is DISTURBING...
DeleteAnon 15:42. How old do you think her suitor is? Yes, cheating is a deal breaker for some women till tomorrow.
DeleteOh dear! Story of MY LIFE...
DeleteFamily is not always blood!
My family dealt with me mercilessly for finding love.
Our eldest daughter carry the matter for head like oshuka.
Jealous, envious and very wicked girl.
God dey...
Sis, you will be fine!
If drama too much like this,it’s better not to marry from such family.Problem Dey front Dey wait for you.Poster pls help me tell your man that he should think twice about marrying you for his own good.
DeleteAnon 20:52 Nibo latun jasi bayi?! She should help you tell her bf to rethink marrying her? Ha! Are you playing? Will they open alujona for you like this?🤣😂😂🤣 Stella nkan be o! I no even know wetin I wan write! My shock is electrocuted!
DeleteThe fact that cutting off your parents doesn't sit well with him shows he has your best interest at heart. E go hard o. Your family sha. Maybe you should tell your mom your mind. Tell them all your mind.
ReplyDeletePlease go ahead with your wedding
DeleteSometimes family isn’t always blood
This is why polygamy will always be unacceptable to me
You have 7 older unmarried siblings and you expect them to be happy you are getting married?
I will advise you to join nsppd and pray for family unity and peace also pray about Gods will and direction.
Go ahead with your marriage, if two become one and do everything to make their marriage work, it will work.
Push up (original)
Woos! Baby geh, whatever you decide to do without your family, make sure you do right by God. Ensure you have your marriage with a foundation on your faith. Do the processes and procedures. You won't be the first to cut off a toxic family! If it gives you sanity, please stick with it. The moment you walk out of that door, be ready to face everything that comes with it as a woman, who makes her own decisions backed with the leading of God.
DeleteCome to think of it, if you have built yourself up spiritually in prayers, all those demons pressing keyboard in your sisters head would submit to whatever you decree! Even that your bf, whatever his real deal is , will be revealed to you by God himself! This is the power God has given all Women, that instinct! Don't be fooled or pressured. Tons of orphans live their lives, settled and fulfilled! Go before God by yourself, 3 days dry fasting will not kill you, it is more than enough for a lifetime decision. If the man takes a walk after your days before God, or you decide to take a walk, you will be doing so with clarity! Send your angels on errands to sort all that negative energy in your family! Darkness has no place where the power of God stands.
There's nothing God cannot solve oh. This is great advice. Go to God in prayer. Ogoni people are not devil's, it's abatcha that made it seem so with the way he treated Saro wiwa in death. Obasanjo came and killed them in mass because of oil wells. They're freedom fighters. Go and speak to your dad. Buy him what he likes, you can go in the company of your fiance.
DeletePoster do what makes you happy life is too short. They will come around with time.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you are telling us the whole story? What work did your fiance tell your family he does? Are you sure he's an orphan? Even if he's an orphan which family does he hail from or was he left in an orphanage? I'm surprised every of your family will turn against you just like that.
ReplyDeleteJust look well before you leap.
Her family are enemies of progress. What did you expect from them? Elder sister, is not legally married and likewise others. The Mother lied against her man. All of them ae not happy for her progress.
DeletePoster, ignore them and do registry with your man. When they come around, you people can pay the dowry to them without extravagant party. Be wise and careful around them.
They have seen the future and wants to stop your happiness. Ignore them.
Why are you people skipping the place where she stated he has a guardian?
DeleteIs it his fault he is an orphan?
Push up (original)
Your family are mean.
ReplyDeleteCan't associate with your family because they will bring you down without notice,
They behaviour towards one other speaks volume.
No peace,no brother and sister love..
May God fix it for you soon 🙏
Man… Why can’t some people just let others be??
DeleteThat's the disadvantages of polygamy. They put everyone against themselves. Your family is just toxic. Am sure it is not ordinarily. Foundation problems too affecting you all causing disaffection against loved ones. It is well
ReplyDeleteTable your matter to God Almighty to lead you aright
Occultic wicked family!!!
ReplyDeleteThis chronicle wake me oo. Your sister's strange behavior could be because you're getting married before her. But that of your parents, especially your mum, is what I don't seem to understand. If it's possible, try & see how you can win your family over as it may not be proper for you to proceed with the marriage without their consent. Good luck dear.
ReplyDeleteI will advise you proceed with the court wedding. Cut off ur entire family before they take this their bitterness a step further. If eventually, the genuinely change and come to accept ur husband, then he can go ahead and pay ur bride price.
ReplyDeleteI support this, do the registry but don't make it seem like you are cutting them off, just make it seem like you guys will pay bride price and other ceremonies later and back it up with serious prayers cos it's always better if your family accepts the marriage.
DeleteI think your sister is jealous, she loves you but is resentful that your marriage clicked before her own, your man is probably better than her own and didn't date you for so long so she has influenced everybody else against you. Keep quiet and do registry while you guys keep praying. God bless your marriage.
Exactly, what I said up there. Let her go ahead with the marriage registry.
DeletePOSTER INVESTIGATE HIM FIRST! Before you take a decision, privately take steps to find out who he is. Do not marry a man whose background you do not know. Hope he isn’t married with a family somewhere and has given you this story cos he is playing games. Like a BV said, how about his parents relatives? Or if he was raised in the orphanage, some sort of proof? Carry out checks, not because you don’t love him but for the same reason your office will ask you to provide guarantors. A family as toxic as you’ve described should be given space and related with from afar, but before you go off on your own, be double/triple/quadruple sure that the person you are entrusting your life and well being to is really who he says he is. Please think well. You need your thinking cap now more than anything so try ehn. May God give you wisdom.
DeleteTry and relate well with your sister especially to know what her problem is if is jalousy then leave her out of the plans another thing is that you pray very well to get a sign from God once is assured from God that he is your husband just go ahead with court marriage nothing will happen and God can even change your mums mind my dear marriage is more of spiritual, good luck
ReplyDeleteYou are up against a strong foundational battle hence the need for mysterious wisdom. If you genuinely love and want to settle down with this individual, separate yourself and embark on a three days dry fast and remaining four days 6am-6pm fast with 7days midnight 11pm-4am prayer using Psalms 24, 23, 70, 91, 94-warfare and 126 for breakthrough. God will show you everything you need to know and you must keep your spiritual and physical mouth shut. Then proceed with court marriage with your partner. All you need is only one witness from both sides and his trusted friends can stand as your witness too i.e only four of you. No need for ceremony. Just wear something simple and corporate preferably a simple white dress; then share canned drinks and snacks, that is all. This makes it legal even in the spirit realm. Then you both proceed to seek your parents blessing/introduction without them knowing you are already legally married. On the day of your introduction, let him come with all the items or cash. Once they give him the list, let him ask if he can use cash to replace them. If yes, right there, as long as both parents especially your dad and a kindred are there, let him pay your DOWRY while your dad prays for you. Even if they insist on him bringing the other items, make sure he pays the dowry that same day. Once that is done, you are customarily married and can carry whatever thing is remaining to them asap. Next, no need for aso ebi. Just call a few trusted loved ones go for church blessing, even if it is during midweek service. Then have a small get together. Boom, you are spiritually, legally and physically married. You continue your prayers which must focus on your family especially your mum, siblings and step siblings and your husband's family too. The more you pray, the more your revelation. Then, wisely cut off or keep at ARMS LENGTH your elder sister and mum. Hmmm, many things dey happen for this world.
ReplyDeleteDem no dey tell blind man say war dey
DeletePROCEED.
ReplyDeletePoster,You're already not in good terms with your family,I wonder why you're surprised that they're behaving in an unpleasant way towards your suitor.You didn't need them before so it will be selfish to want their blessings in your union now.
ReplyDeleteGo on and conduct your marriage without them,It won't make any difference anyways.
poster your family are not good people at all, if there is anything wrong with your guy i think they should open up, give you reasons why you shouldn't marry him but if you refuse to listen they should pray for you and wish you luck atleast they said something.
ReplyDeleteYou cannot ask a person not to marry who they want to marry without giving them any concrete reason and expect them to listen to you. I will say you should avoid them for now till they are ready to welcome you and your man.
Please make sure you do your own investigations to be sure this guy is telling you the truth, don't just listen to what he said and act based on that. d your investigation properly cos people no longer fear God . If this guy is real please go ahead and marry him and avoid your toxic family. Is possible what is happening in your family is not ordinary oh, you need prayers.
Please go to court and wed simple. You can send them IV two days to the wedding
ReplyDeleteYou need to exercise patience at this junction.
ReplyDeleteFirst, how come someone will be without a single family member, even people from orphanage have a family they call theirs, what happened to his mum siblings? do an indepth search on this 'no family' talk
If you can ascertain your guy side is settle, go into prayers to have your people support you even if they're not happy,it matters. Let his guardian meet your parents, they are elders, they'd be able to speak on your behalf or you ask anyone your parents respect to help talk to them. Some guys end up treating ladies with 'let go to court' idea like a trash since they know you have no one to run to and get rid of the idea of getting pregnant to have them release you to him
Felicity
She did mention guardian.
DeleteKnowing only his guardian is not enough. Does he not have uncles and aunts, cousins, etc. He can rent anybody to act as Guardian, na Naija we dey
DeleteIf he grew up in an orphanage, where will he get the uncles and aunts from?
DeleteProceed with the court marriage and leave them for now. In no time they change their mind and ask for your hubby to come do the traditional right. Don't even stop praying, it changes situations
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't always end like that most times. Poster, don't rush to the registry with that man pls.
DeletePheww , this one pass me. Poster, given the circumstances, just don't rush into conclusion.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is not to the poster but the the guy,pls do not marry from this family.Aya buruku shey ni Ano buruku o Shey ni.
ReplyDelete🤣🤣anon 15:43 but na the girl write us for help na?🤣😂so you mean, make she carry her hand go show the man this thing wey you write fa? Say make he no marry her! 😂🤣🤣 Aberoloun?.
DeleteWicked siblings, what I feel is go ahead with the court registry.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, most marriages done with the absence of family members especially ur parents doesn't last.cos ur parents are against it, biblical it's wrong,the bible says honor thy father and mother.this may be hard for you but ur home may not be able to withstand the storms of marriages if u go against ur parents.for example,if u have problems with ur man/his guardians,who will u run to? think about this...make peace with ur parents before marrying
ReplyDeleteFa-fa-foul! You lie!
DeletePoster, you need to pray; you and your fiance.
I'm from a polygamous home and I had to cut off from my step-siblings as well.
My parents were dead before I got married. I brought him home and told them he was my choice.
We did registry with only two witnesses and read/church followed after 5 months.
We are going strong after 9 years.
If your nan is not close to God, now is the time for him to start.
Polygamy is a curse!
Pray and fast then make sure you receive confirmation from the holy spirit before you proceed with the registry .
ReplyDeleteIt's possible that your family is aware of an issue which you are not and thus, may cause problem for you in the marriage later.
There are instances in which some people would go against their family's advice and end up regretting while it would turn out to be happy ending for others.
Please, take your time and give it a second thought.
Anik
🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦
ReplyDeleteI don't want to type anything..this is just annoying
You had better trace your man's family right to the tree in his village compound so that you know what you are up against.
ReplyDeleteHow can you say he has nobody? If he is an only child, were his father and mother only children? His grandparents, only children too. C'mon now.
Did he jump down from the sky?
Even if he lived in an orphanage, from 1 day old and was picked from the side of the road, the orphanage director, house mummies and daddies are automatically his parents. How can he be visiting his intended's house alone or with friends? Even me, I'll be suspicious but definitely not rude.
Find out what is being hidden.
Are you planning a 5 day, one in town wedding? If your parents and siblings are standing in your way, you don't know the way registry?
Or is this how people will stand in your way till post menopause or till they select who THEY want? Are they the ones going to live in this marriage with you?
Not like they have given you a serious reason why they are rejecting him.
Marriage is no childs play. But you women will NEVER listen. Your body is always doing gigirigi because of wedding. WEDDING is the least of your issues.
To avoid please hide my ID, chronicles 1,2 and 3, take your time and cross all your tees and dot all your 'eyes'.
When we say Polygamy benefits NOBODY except the man, people will be dribbling saliva arguing.
But men will say ehn, they wantu see what Sikira Lakukulala brings to the table, they wantu see what Alero Boboribo brings to the table, issokay continue piling up your table till table break.
You children from polygamous settings,you know what you are going through, God be with you. As for the men who created those situations in the first place, no words.
Poster. Investigate that man's roots
DeleteHaba, 2yrs in waiting nawaoooh, that's too long, ur family is mean. Inasmuch as ur familu is showing u their wicked side. Dnt let ut get to u, if u are the prayer type, buy ur mum's favorite item, pray over it and give to her, declare unto the gift that once she receives the gift, so shall she recieve ur husband to be. As for ur sister dnt be to bothered by her behaviour, but just be careful with her and never stop showing her love. Dnt hate ur family, show them love but keep ur eyes open, and also go ahead with the court marriage pls,
ReplyDeleteMy dear i have a first hand knowledge of what you are going through. Its unfortunate that you were not told but in my case, i grew up to know that as an Andoni girl, i cannot marry an Ogoni guy, it does not matter how civilized you think you are, if you do, your parents will disown you. They can manage to do every other things together but marrying each other is still seriously out lawed. When my Mum found out that my friend was an Ogoni boy, hell literally came down, the whole family i mean immediate & extended family were against me, i was too young to fight that kind of battle, the guy even took off before i knew what it was, i later found that his parents told him that he cant have any thing to do with me, so me too let go & today I'm happily married to my God sent. It is not a war you can fight dear sister because if you are an Andoni girl, you will never win that war because if you go further, your family will disown you & they will never look back. My advise is look for an uncle or an elder that your parents respect & speak to him about it, sick counsel from both your Pastors & trusted aunties & uncles forget about your sister, she cant help you, above all take your time to pray & fast, when you do this, if this relationship is what God has ordained for you, he will make away if not he will bring another person & give you victory. I will not advice you to marry without your parents blessings, there is so much about marriage you will not understand until you are in it. I pray the Lord help you thru this phase & give you a testimony.
ReplyDeleteThis right here is the answer...
DeleteWhy can't Adoni and Ogoni marry?
DeleteFor the entire family to be against you doesn't just sit well. You still have some findings to do before jumping into the marriage. Shine your eyes abeg
ReplyDeletePoster the part where your guy is an orphan is where you really need to look into. Do your findings very well.
ReplyDeleteOn your family part, you really need to be prayerful and careful. Family can destroy you if they don't like you. Be very careful.
Marry him ASAP and focus on your family. As much as the the two of stand by each other, there is no problem.
ReplyDeletePoster read Anon 15:42's comment especially the last part.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure this man is not lying about his roots,don't you think that he has ulterior motive? Have you been to his hometown? Village ? Better still, have you met his uncles, aunts, cousins? Or he has no living relative?
Pls do the above and investigate this man that you want to marry. You can do it discreetly.
Stories abound. He may have a family somewhere and may want to make you his second wife, he may be "akudaya", as in reincarnated, a ghost. He may need a wife to use for rituals. Some herbalists tell men to pay bride price and marry her well and use her or the unborn child
EXACTLY
DeleteMadam, trace the lineage of your intended. Being an orphan and an only child doesn't make him a loner. I'm an orphan too but I have siblings, aunties, uncles (maternal and paternal), a clan of cousins too. Check well o. Don't go and marry spirit o. I'm more worried about the true story of the man you plan to marry than the attitude of your family.
ReplyDeleteThat is it with polygamous home. Envy
ReplyDeleteJealous
Competition
Hatred
Toxicity .
Poster even if you want to go to registry, make sure after marriage you stay far away from your people and keep them at harms length so as they don't know anything happening in your life /marriage. It is well with you.
If you have prayed about this and have peace quietly do a court wedding
ReplyDeleteYou can pray about something, have peace about it and still enter marriage and suffer SHEGE.
DeleteBefore you go ahead with your wedding plans with him, let him introduce you to other members of his family i.e uncles and aunts since he is an orphan. Don't wed him without knowing them. So that in the future, he will not say he did you a favor by marrying you and making you the first person to marry in your family.
ReplyDeleteAll these questions for bv’s that don’t know you or your family members, please channel all these questions to your family members that it belongs to. How do we give you answers to these questions. Na wah oo please the solution to your problem is to get answers to these questions from your family members. Look before you leap, marriage is not the ultimate. It’s not where you run away to solve your problems. Resolve your issues with your family before you marry and let your family support you if not, the man you marry will maltreat you o. You can’t be all alone in this world. A word is enough for the wise.
ReplyDeleteIt is funny people are saying this poster should investigate the man’s roots.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, her fiancée should stay away from this poster’s family for now. Leave the poster to pray hard.
Poster, your family is toxic, and family battles is no joke. Let this man stay away for now.
Poster, keep praying for yourself that God should reveal the truth about your family to you and make you a conqueror. Do not drag this orphan into a family battle please. He has no parents. Please and please. Go for deliverance first. God bless you both.
Deliverance from what exactly?
DeleteSomeone brings a man to marry your daughter, no parents, no grandparents, no uncles or aunties, no cousins, nephews, nieces nothing. No clans men. Just added one friend to follow body. You will be excited and eager to marry off your daughter ba?
Not disputing that the family may have it's own ulterior motive, but is this something to be excited about?
Go into prayers and God will direct you.
ReplyDeleteSome families eeh, please pray about it and go ahead with your plans instead of them to frustrate you.
ReplyDeletePls check it well oo dt d guy is not an akudaya.... Ghost that died young and is looking to fulfill destiny. Once there is dt story of no family plus this reaction from your family. If you fall into it both of u will be forced to live in isolation from your family so that no questions will be asked.
ReplyDeleteFast and pray about this and avoid sleeping with him hence forth