Hmmm.....
A MOTHER THAT DISGRACES ONE ALL THE TIME.
We had a lot of disagreements but after my wedding we became friends. Now my mum has been doing a lot and I don't know how to talk to her without her seeing me as a disrespectful child (na all these things dey cause quarrel before).
She is a jovial person but sometimes she takes it to the extreme. We pound yam every Sunday when I was still single, that is one of the things I stopped when I got married infact I told hubby to get a yam pounder which he did and while dating I told him about how I will love him to help around the house too which he agreed and he does it ...
Now that we are married. When my mum calls on Sunday and she asks what we eat and I tell her things like spaghetti, rice she goes on to tell me why can't I pound yam.
if it is between me and her i will understand that it is a joke but now frequently saying it in the presence of my husband is something I don't appreciate.. I don't cook lunch only dinner and breakfast and hubby is cool with it but when my mum calls it becomes a problem and some days I avoid giving my husband the phone to speak to her..
Secondly, I have added weight and hubby is not complaining but my mum is the one that will call in the presence of my hubby referring to me as rabata, roboti, orobo, momo etc talking down at me and all hubby does is smile but it gets to me
Lastly we both agreed to wait a year and six month before having babies but my mum has been on my neck saying things like I am taking my husband for granted because he is gentle that, that is how I will be making him do house chores....
if all this talk is between us, I don't care but the fact that she is extending it to my husbands side is what is not cool at all before he starts thinking other wise.
Haba this is my own mother and not mother in law o,even my mother in law doesn't even give me all these wahala. Please what can I do biko....
*Stop taking her calls and send her a message telling her what she is doing wrong and how you dont like it.. If she continues then stop taking her calls totally for her to get the message.
If she visits, be very cold and unfriendly so that she can leave quickly...Do all these for her to get the message that she is embarrassing you before your hubby.
Its even possible she may not know she is hurting with her jokes and words so tell her and put her in her place without insulting her....
She's use to the hard life, maybe. Don't pick her calls often please.Good afternoon
ReplyDeletePlease my situation with my own mum is, any time my friends come around and she meets them…she feels the need to be bragging to them. Honestly it’s very embarrassing when she starts. She’ll start talking about all the countries she has visited, etc. My friends just look and smile while I’m standing there cringing. She also does this to my hubby too. Telling him all the countries she has visited and how she did this and did that. Honestly it’s such an embarrassing moment when she starts, I try to change the subject so she can het the message but she’ll bring it back to the bragging. I really don’t know how to tell her to stop because I don’t want to hurt her. She honestly is unaware of how it’s coming off. I love her too much and I’ve been thinking of how to tell her so she stops embarrassing herself and me biko.
DeleteParents will raise a child a certain way and then start complaining about the child's limitations later in life. You don't train adults, you only reap the fruits you sowed when they were young... she's obviously unemployed, no kids yet but doesn't cook lunch, lol!
DeleteThey came from a generation where they pet men so they see everything as disrespectful.
DeleteTry and call her when your husband isn’t present and let her know you won’t take her calls anymore if she doesn’t stop because it’s going to cause issues in your home.
Push up (original)
Please sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her,let her know how you feel,she might not be doing it intentionally to hurt you.
ReplyDeletePoster, take this advice
DeleteThis! 👌👌👌
DeleteWorst advice for the woman described up there. She’ll call posters husband and paint the whole scenario differently, and report you to him
DeleteYes. A one on One talk with her. Tell her you and hubby already have an agreement. No long talk.
DeleteAfter this advice and she continues, just block her lines on weekends 😒
DeleteSo many Nigerian people like these types of jokes and I can’t stand them
ReplyDeleteMy friends husband was hearing nonsense like this in the abroad and he has unfortunately adjusted accordingly
All the you’re using him cause it’s abroad. He’s cooking for you all the time and you only paint face hahaha like it’s funny
It’s not just embarrassing the wife, some men too start wondering if there’s truth to the words
poster this is not a big deal oh, you have to talk to your mum the same way she is talking to you oh. Say it while joking and see her reaction.
ReplyDeleteWhy must she complain about you to your husband is that the work she came to do for you, just avoid her calls and do not give your husband phone to talk to her except she changes her attitude.
you should also set boundaries before your mother will start chopping your food behide you oh cos this her amebo i no understand am.
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DeleteAren't you vile like this @ your last statement?
Delete@excited, same way I would handle it.
DeleteWhen my mother is becoming overbearing, I will just bone her, after a while she will call to ask , ahaa!!, its been long I heard from you what happened. That's when I will throw her sins to her face, she will then pretend as if she don't know that she has been annoying and apologise.
ReplyDeleteI don’t like this
DeleteCommunication is key. I was thought by my mother to always tell her EVERYTHING. It has been like that. If your mum is mine. No big deal. I will just call or visit her and tell her my mind on how her words are hurting me. I will go ahead to inform her that I will intentionally disconnect from her and ban her from coming to my house if she refused to stop. Simple and clear. Everyone should know when to stop. Talk... Talk...Talk. don't die in slience. Don't keep quiet she might not know it is hurting you. If you can't talk to her. Sharply report her to anyone she respects. She needs to stop this abuse immediately. Emotional abuse(violence) is a sin
ReplyDeleteThe Anon that tells her mom everything goodluck! As a married woman do not tell your mom everything is my advice! Poster tell her nicely that she is hurting your self esteem & marriage! These words affect people more than we realize. After an in law complained I had multiple after my oldest right in the hospital, I never had more kids though I wish I did. She made a snide remark that “there is no need to rush”. It affected me until past my child bearing age & made me an obsessive contraception user even to the detriment of my health. Words matter. If she doesn’t change, reduce your interactions while still honoring her as your mom before she breaks your home. Moms are NOT perfect, many moms hurt their children deliberately or unintentionally. Some moms are even jealous of their own daughters. I’m not saying this is true of your mom’s intentions but if she doesn’t stop after a private conversation then it’s your decision.
DeletePoster tell her your mind without insulting her.
ReplyDeleteAnd if she doesn't change then stop taking her calls.
It's that simple o.
This is bad energy, soon your husband might start reading meaning to things she says and from there problem can start. Just shot her out.
*shut
DeleteYou were not close to her while single and she suddenly became your close pal now you're married, are you sure she didn't come to the spoil things for you?
ReplyDeleteSo what is in marriage that she wants to spoil for her?
DeleteAre you taking your husband for granted???
ReplyDeleteAre you sure your husband is cool with all these weight gain, delay in getting pretty and all what your mum be complaining about???
Please think am well and watch what your husband don't say!!!
18months is not delay pls
DeleteLet her enjoy the marriage small
Poster, communication is key. Communicate your feelings to your mum. And if she doesn't change afterwards avoid her.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Stella on this one.
ReplyDeleteNothing more to add.
Your mom is toxic ! Very toxic ! And no she doesn’t look like someone who will listen to you if you communicate how to her , she’s set in her toxic and lack of emotional intelligence ways .
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately a lot of Nigerian children aren’t trained to be assertive and cut off toxic people but rather to endure and be tolerant at their own expense.
Time to ease yourself away from your mother, she’s not good for you, your mental health or your marriage . Keep her at arms length. Your mom is the hater you don’t need around you .
Lady MorgiannE
If you cut off this woman, you’ll have to cut off many people
DeleteMany are guilty of this
Yep. I will cut her off too.
DeleteProtect your marriage as you can even if she will be offended.Remenber you were not friends until you got married.you don't know if her mind but is clear for you..l have seen mothers who don't like their daughters but pretend to.lam an example.
ReplyDeleteWhen a woman complains about a marriage, we ask why she wants to die there. We Blacklist marriage and men. When she complains about in-laws and family in her sweet marriage, she should do anything to the accused.
DeleteYour mum is going overboard, please stop picking her calls in front of your husband and wherever she calls and you are with your phone just mute it and call her back later with some excuses.,distance yourself from her and she will get the message..
ReplyDeleteProtect your marriage as you can.Remenber that you are not close until you got married.Don't tell her everything.l have seen mothers who don't like their daughters but pretend to.lam an eXample.
ReplyDeleteSome Mother's are Horrible
ReplyDeleteThanks Stella. You capped it. I also want to add that, you should develop the habit of nipping things in the bud. Don't allow issues to fester between you and anybody. That reaction you'd give after you have borne the emotional pain for long, is the same reaction you should give at the start of issues. Only do it civilly.
ReplyDeleteMost times, when it's prolonged, it leads to resentment and bitterness. Don't be afraid to tell people who hurt you how you feel. What you are avoiding is a ruckus which will still come up and even in a very bad way.
Poster this is your mom we are talking about here. she's jokingly saying all these things and not to hot you. Like you earlier said that you people are not close when you were single, I think by now you should have known her very well. Just call her and talk to her politely over this issues and let her know the agreement between you and your husband. just like my mom, she use be jovial and can blow njakiri for Africa but we will laugh over it. Please dont over react over her character, she's trying to let your husband know that you a well trained child over the pounded yam issue.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this
DeleteMy mum will be asking you to cook all random things so she can show off her child in front of others. Interestingly when I visit her, she doesn’t ask for any help 👀
Call your mum and tell her to stop hurting you. If she continues, use your head. You are now a woman with a home.
ReplyDeleteTalk to your mum about about it, it's best you visit her if she's close by and talk things over ,if she's faraway you can call her and tell her you don't like her unpleasant remarks all the time..
ReplyDeleteDon't send her a text, call her . You might send her a text and she will read /misinterprete it and say you're being rude or even forward the text to your husband. So it's best you call her.
Reduce the communication too for now so she gets the message too that you're hurt.
I agree totally. This your mum. Go and see her and have a heart to heart with her. Sit her down and ask her no to say these things in front of your husband . Beg her, cry sef. Tell her it is going to affect your marriage. She can advise you without involving your hubs.
DeleteShe is right about the weight gain tho. You dont have kids yet and you are already getting fat...not good. Men are visual creatures. Better stay sexy to keep the spark alive. Dont wait for him to start complaining oooooo.
Talk to your mum about about it, it's best you visit her if she's close by and talk things over ,if she's faraway you can call her and tell her you don't like her unpleasant remarks all the time..
ReplyDeleteDon't send her a text, call her . You might send her a text and she will read /misinterprete it and say you're being rude or even forward the text to your husband. So it's best you call her.
Reduce the communication too for now so she gets the message too that you're hurt.
Sit with ur mum and talk to her.tell her how u feel about her jokes and how it may lead to problems in ur marriage
ReplyDeleteTalk to your mum,let her know these words are hurting you,if she doesn’t stop,then avoid her calls for a while.she will have a rethink. Why won’t she let u run ur home by urself?why is she dictating what you and ur husband should eat or do?
ReplyDeleteSometimes the only language people understand is a language of war if u no change am for them,them no go rest.
Please speak to your mother about this gently before listening to all these pple saying she wishes you bad .
ReplyDeleteBefore you conclude speak to her first and watch how she changes .
Don’t be hasty to judge.
My mum did something similar after I had my second child .
She came for Omugwo and wld tell me privately that I was letting myself go .
She was doing everything for me cooking etc and I had a maid . She felt I had all the time to rest and take care of my appearance . I on the other hand cldnt be bothered .
The one that annoyed her the most was when my friends came to visit me . Married women with kids and they were looking so hot and peng.
Meanwhile I used to be a hottie o.
she then chided me in front of my husband and I told her not to try it again .
My mother said she will keep doing it until I change .
She was upset with me cos I truly let myself go . Even to rub cream was a big deal for me and it was not post partum depression.
I couldn’t care less .
My husband worships me so I became laid back .
She knows you will feel bad if your husband told you, thats why she does it in his presence, since she told you in his presence if he had it in mind he won't voice it anymore.
DeletePlease call your mum when you are alone at home and start by mentioning those things she says to you jokingly one by one and let her know that if she don't stop making such jokes and your husband start using it against you in future, you will not forgive her. How can a mother be joking with these kind of things in the presence of her in-law? Your husband may be cool with it now but watch the day you will have heated argument that is when you will hear what can come out of his mouth
ReplyDeleteSee me laughing at Roboti and Rabat's talks, Almost asif I typed it my mum will even ask my hubby how he is coping and all.
ReplyDeleteMy mum was like that till I told her bluntly to stop it and I don't pick her calls or call her again, even when she is here and sees now she looks away or enters her room..
My home, my man my rules.
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DeletePoster, communication is key. Just call your mum and have a heart to heart talk with her. Talk to her politely and with respect and communicate how her actions are hurting you. I'm sure she will understand
ReplyDeleteMy mum told my hubby that of I misbehave,he should use cane and beat me,that if I'm pregnant, he should beat me on the legs, but hubby is of noble birth,he didnt listen to her, though to her,she's trying to make me submissive in her way, but the day hubby slapped me,when she heard ,omg she even threatened to have him arrested, she even called my mother in-law to warn her son,that if he mistakenly touch me again na jail straight since then
ReplyDeleteImagine! Threatening fire and brimstone when she fanned the embers herself. She was the one who gave him the morale to slap you in the first place. Good he has learned his lesson
Delete17:14 that’s the world
DeleteYorubas say help me beat my child is not from the mothers heart. The man should have taken that proverb to heart
17:14 A wise man who understand that word would not even touch that child... Na trap.
Delete17.14 the first and only time he slapped me was so cool cos , mine landed squarely on his face too within seconds.
DeleteImagine..I can never open my mouth to tell any man that.i dont care if our ancestor's did it....sadly some women still live in the belief that mm are superior to women. That is rubbish. Husband's love your wife is what God says...
DeleteIf truly she's ur mum, I don't think she can hurt you, she's just trying to use her own method to set ur family for you, she meant no harm just talk to her about it and all will be fine remember ur mum is ur mum. She want ur happiness too.
ReplyDeleteI will advice u to speak to ur mum. U need to talk to her calmly and in-between the calm discussion squeeze ur face and tell her how she is hurting u, she will adjust
ReplyDeleteI don't see all she's saying as joke or carefree words.
ReplyDeletePoster read about Greyrock method and apply it to this situation you've found yourself, that's the best way to deal with her, sitting people like her down as some people suggested will add to your problem, some people lack listening ears.
Felicity
I don't think your mum means any harm. I guess it's her own way of ensuring your marriage succeeds albeit an archaic approach.
ReplyDeleteJust let her know you don't appreciate her meddling in your marriage.
It's either you call her and talk to her or you subtly tell her off each time she starts yabin you in front of your hubby
ReplyDeleteTell her how you feel and what she's doing wrong politely but if she refuse to listen then block her and give excuse when she wants to come visit until she gets the massage
ReplyDeleteIn her mind, she feels she is grooming you to be a better person. She doesn't know she is hurting you. You need to make her understand that her and your time are different and she has to learn to respect that. Please say it as respectfully as you can.
ReplyDeleteSounds like my mother except the pounding yam part. Poster, ignore your mother. My mom used to drive me crazy too, my husband thought I was exaggerating until we got married and he got a first hand taste of my mom's behavior when we traveled to 9ja and stayed in my parent's house (error of life). My mother traumatized me so much, I don't want to visit again. I'm back home now and haven't seen her in two years due to Covid but we talk often via whatsapp and we are cool again. Distance makes the heart fonder, they say. As sad as this may sound, you have to limit your conversations with her. My mom started to get the memo when I wasn't contacting her often, I even deleted whatsapp. She has calmed down small because when she says anything derogatory, my husband defends me very respectfully.
ReplyDeleteFor me though, I just think I'm not very lucky with relationships with family,friends etc no matter how good I am to them. I have accepted my own cross and thankful to God for blessing me with a spouse and children that help me rexognize my value.
Poster pls don't feel bad oo, men can be very funny,what a mother sit down seeing a child on electric pole can't see. Your husband might not be complaining but pls work on your weight, your mum is seeing a sign she won't tell you, most women that feel their men is too loyal and relax too much got the shock of their life,
ReplyDeleteTell your mum to correct you privately to avoid see finish from your hubby
This is not a matter of the mum being jovial or whatever. She just can't overlook this, because the husband is reading meaning to everything she(mum) says and will soon start acting accordingly. And before you know it, problem will start in the marriage.
ReplyDeletePostor you have to stop her now, whether she gets angry or not. Just know you have to safe your marriage and avoid unhappiness later in the future.