Hmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
HUSBAND OF 18 YEARS WALKS AWAY
I’m broken.
My husband of 18 years said he’s leaving.
This is a man that we discovered about one year into our marriage that he can’t father a child but I still stayed with him because I didn’t and still don’t believe in divorce or remarriage.
He now has a younger girlfriend he’s planning to marry. I’ve initiated the divorce process cos I can’t wrap my mind around what’s happening.
Could it be because I threatened to divorce him if we don’t adopt a child cos I didn’t want to remain childless? He has abandoned the child care to me and he’s busy galavanting around saying he needs to enjoy life.
I feel as if I made a mistake believing I have to stand by him no matter what, Where do I start, I can’t even imagine another man touching me, what will I do. I can’t sleep, I’m in pains, looks like I’ve wasted my life.
Should I tell the girlfriend he can’t father a child?
Should I just walk away and look for another person even though as a Christian I feel this is wrong.
I smile outside but I’m broken inside. I wish I was wicked I would have dealt severely with him for wasting my youth.
18 years and its so easy for him to walk away even if he is the one at fault? No need to go and tell his wife to be that he cant father a child, he might have told her you cant get pregnant......
If you still have eggs, and can still get pregnant, then go and have your own baby and if not then opt to adopt like you are on to or use a surrogate....
It is his loss and not yours; so please do not be pushed into going diabolical:
STAY STRONG!!!
Chai...may God strengthens you in this.
ReplyDeleteThis life enh
DeleteJust leave him alone, did you still adopt? If you did enjoy your child
You can consider having yours.
The only person you can trust is God, as you go further, just do what makes you happy
Push up (original)
PLEASE TELL THE GIRLFRIEND NOW AMD SAVE HER STRESS LATER!!!
DeleteYOU COULD HAVE BEEN SAVES THIS STRESS IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU EARLIER. LET HER DECIDE TO STAY OR GO!!!
Men are the most selfish being in the world. You should have gotten pregnant for another man na. Or you think he would have stood by you if reverse was the case? I advise you try your luck elsewhere, thank God he’s the one with problems.
ReplyDeletePlease calm down and stop generalizing, as if you have not encountered very selfish females before, stop the gender war
Delete@fan
DeleteYou see how you have generalized now?
If someone should call we the ladies prostitutes for the offence of one,
you will flare up here like a furnace. Mind your words and comment sensibly.
When I was saying men always think ME FIRST on the other post, one commentator was bringing the ideology of Socrates& Aristotle into the mix.
DeleteALWAYS.
It is ingrained in their DNA.
He intentionally used up your youth, knowing fully well he had NO PLANS to adopt.
If it had been you with the issue, do you honesty think he would have spent 18 years covering for you?
Madam, do what makes you happy. You should be in your 40s or even 50s by now, I would reckon it's about time.
I sincerely wish you well.
Two things I will use hot iron to carve into my daughter's head:
1. Financial independence. She must always have a source of income either 9-5 or business. Or both.
2. Always plan for any and EVERY 'incasity '. In order to do that, she must stay several steps ahead.
Just find a very young guy wey you feed for some months make e nack you you must get pregnant. Except you’re over 60 and menopause don come
DeleteEvery woman in a marriage must put herself first. Don’t sacrifice your happiness for any man. Nigerian men are not loyal. You should have even adopted since but as it is it’s not late
DeleteBecause of this one man, you people are slurring a whole gender? Don’t you all get tired of gender wars? This chronicle is personal but instead of you to personalize your reply, you are talking about ‘men’. Wasn’t it only one man that treated her badly or was she married to more than one?
Delete16.13 I tell you, it's so tiring. People don't want to think objectively any more, na to just jump and generalise.
Delete16:13 and 16:49 loll are you to living in a cave in the back of the beyond? All the Yuls and Osinachis husbands, and men raping daughters and men abandoning their families etc are from where again?
DeleteNigerian women please try to be smart with your life choices.
Don't lose hope for heaven will smile on you. Go to the hospital and do a thorough check
ReplyDeleteI think women should try and put themselves in the shoe of a man and ask if he would have stayed loyal to you if you were the one at fault. The only reason you should have stayed behind should have been if he had agreed to your offer of adoption.
ReplyDeletePlease walk away peacefully. He has decided to move on despite all you did to stay by him.
Olomo, please permit me perch here.
DeleteAnything that gives you concern and challenges your peace, give it to God. I read and appreciate your desperate situation. You know, for some reasons I cant even blame the man much. He probably never wanted a child because he feels he isn't the fathering type. Parenthood is a vocation. There are men like that but in our Nigerian society, such men simply switch off on you and the child in the marriage and go frolicking outside. Some find a reason to live and work in a different city from their families. It is not your fault.
Now lets find solution to your current situation; You want your home/marriage back, filed with love and warmth. What do we do? Pray mama. Pray. Invest in some spiritual exercise like forgiveness, love, giving, speaking positively about this man, releasing yourself of the hurt and bitterness, speaking to reality the exact out come you want. In fact, pick up "Power of Positive Thinking" by Tim LaHaye and digest. If you are a Catholic, binge on your rosary and let "the memorare" prayer occupy your breathe (like 40x a day). You can google the prayer if you don't know it off heart. Go to happy places and stay away from people who will always analyze and remind you how much you lost out in that marriage; people who will always tell you things that make you regret loving him and seek revenge. Those are your real enemies now because they produce the exact environment were prayers are NEVER answered.
Saphire you too sabi, I always look forward to your comments.
DeleteThat recommended book is great.
DeleteImagine that nonsense, I pity women who stand by men who can't father a child, you will be the loser at the end of everything. Wasted 18years of your youthful age on an ungrateful being.
ReplyDeleteForget him and start looking out for a widower or divorcee and if you can still give birth, please do it before time goes by
A woman chooses happiness and walks away from her marriage after 18 years. Comments here will be " Go Girl", "We are not naive like our mothers", "Yaaay. Girl Power Forever", "Intentional Babe, We got your back". etc.
DeleteA man chooses happiness and walks away, and then all he gets are insults.
Why cant you ladies use the same energy when the tables are turned?
Stella, please post. I'm only trying to understand the workings of the female mind to make myself a better man.
I'm only trying to nyen nyen nyen, you didn't see after 28 tears of the man's sterility while the woman stood by him throughout, the man abandoned her? So is it at 50 something years she should know start looking for a baby on her own. Mtsheeeeeeeeeeeew.
Delete16:43 you definitely lack understanding and empathy!!!
DeleteHe should have walked a away 5years into the marriage, that wld have been better. But no, he stayed and wasted all her fruitful years and never once gave indication he'll leave till now!
He is SCUM!
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It’s not your fault at all. You did the right thing by standing by him so don’t let regret eat you up. Leave him to God and his conscience. Move one with your life and embrace God, yourself and your child. Go for therapy if you can to help you pull through. You will be fine. Will be praying for you dear.
ReplyDeletePlease move on and leave him for God, karma knows his address.... Relax and move on with your life, life is too short to sulk on irrelevant things Please
ReplyDeleteAfter reading these chronicle an scared.
DeleteMy husband has low sperm count.
God don't want to waste my time with any man.
Hoping for a miracle
16:15 do ivf
DeleteMy friend has low sperm count but he has a baby. Ivf was the answer. Don’t waste time
@16.15, pls don't be scared, mine had low sperm count, 100 percent dead at the time, we have children now self. He just needs proper treatment which would cost better money and he would be open to take the drugs. God be with you
DeleteNo money yet for ivf.
DeleteAnon 16.15
Please what are the treatment
21:50 go borrow the money if you know people that can loan you
DeleteI know what I am saying
Go talk to his parents talk to your parents talk to family
Raise the money like you would do if you have a medical emergency because that is what you have
Low sperms count is different from NO SPERM COUNT (Azoospermia)
DeletePlease don't listen to Stella..every child deserves to have a father and a mother. God didn't plan for it to be done by one parents alone. Yes I know shit happens but in this case, please don't make such a selfish decision by bringing a child who won't have a father into this world.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for what your husband did but please forgive him and heal. Find Jesus and He will make you whole. Give Him your life and watch Him turn it around.
‘ …don't make such a selfish decision by bringing a child who won't have a father…’
DeleteSo whose decision is it for some children to have one or both parents dead? With them having to deal with 1 or no parent?
Dear poster, I gather from the write-up that you already adopted a child, please take care of him/her. You say he abandoned childcare to you, please fight for him to contribute, at least financially to their upkeep.
I do hope you have a job, at this stage you need something to distract you so you don’t spend all the time thinking. And please, stop asking what you did wrong; you did nothing wrong, this is all him. If he had an issue with you, communicating should have been the first option, not marrying someone else! Also perish that idea of spilling secrets about him, let go and let God.
Please ensure you have a good lawyer and get the best possible outcome for yourself and your child. Don’t allow any religious fanatic to shame you into sitting at home, mourning your fate. Go out, make friends and live your life. The man chose to leave, don’t saddle yourself with unnecessary fasting praying for him to come back. Last last, God has a lot to judge but I dare say it’s not His intention for a person’s happiness to be dependent on another person. May God see you through.
Mystic
Please take this advice. I will also say that you should freeze your eggs for use in future
DeleteDon’t compromise on having a child for any reason or anyone
DeleteIf you truly want a child, have a child. If you want one and don’t have one voluntarily, I can assure you that you will regret it. I think your husband has done you a favour by cheating. He has freed you now. Go and have a child. Tell the gf about him. Save one woman the trouble you went thru
I feel for you ma,but don't beat yourself so much. This disappointment could be a blessing.
ReplyDeletePlease let Jesus heal you and make you whole again. WhT God cannot do does not exist. He can still come back a changed man
DeleteThis is so heart breaking and painful.
ReplyDeleteI knew a woman whose husband had five children outside their marriage and the wife kept having miscarriages. She did not know that her husband had kids or that he deliberately did not want her to have children. I know a woman who was told that her husband could not have children but he had biological children with another woman after undergoing treatment suggested by the other woman.
ReplyDeleteSince you are the righteous one, trust in the Lord Jesus.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is the one that will be judged for these actions, not you.
Yes, it was wrong to have threatened him, but that's not the reason why he
did what he did. If he was in the Lord before, he is backslidden. Jesus instructed
us to Love and pray for even our enemies. This man is not your enemy. Wish him
well and move on. The Lord will strengthen and bless you.
Women please be selfish about your goals, your wants and your needs. Do not displease yourself to please another except they are your child. I don’t hate men but I find them to be selfish people and as such I deal with them selfishly so as not to be disappointed or hurt.
ReplyDeleteGbam! 👏🏾
DeleteIt is well with our soul
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThat's what you get for not loving yourself more. Who e dey pain now?
ReplyDeleteHave some empathy, it's not too hard.
DeleteSorry for what you are going through,poster. I m just happy that you took the bull by the horn and adopted your child. At least you will have a companion. Imagine if you didn't have this child and he is leaving like this,how much worse would it have been? Some men are essentially selfish and.women should learn how to put themselves first sometimes too. Why would he even object to your people adopting or even using a.sperm donor when he knows he can't father a child? He denied you the chance.of having a biological child and still wanted to deny you an adopted child. It can't be me cos I would have used a sperm donor since to have children or left the marriage if he refused. I can live without a husband but I can't live without children.
ReplyDeleteShe didn’t adopt
DeleteChai! This is wickedness in high places,I feel for you sis.
ReplyDeletePlease move on,you will find peace in Jesus name.
Nothing you will do now or say that will bring back 18 wasted years. Remember people will not believe anything you say now till you birth a child. Evidence ends argument. start afresh. Thee is a better life ahead. A former colleague lost his 21yrs old son whole another lost his 30yrs old daughter. Life happens. Allow God take the wheel.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say the 18 years were not wasted
DeleteMy dear, your situation is bigger than this forum. I encourage you to get professional so you have an outlet to off load your pain and feelings of abandonment. Be prepared for anything. Are you prepared for the possibility that he may father a child with his new girlfriend? This life is the greatest of mysteries. At least you have a child to focus your attention on. And you too may be able to have a child of your own if it is still a desire that you hold.
ReplyDeleteYou lived your marriage vows and no one can find you at fault. But a man's mind is always on his own joy, and yes many dutiful wives wake up one day to hear their husbands telling them they do not love them anymore and have found the love of their life and will move on. Free will is an area that even God does not touch. Everyone has free will and can choose to use it however they want, his desire to move on is his divine right in using his free will.
I believe the great pain you are feeling is that you sacrificed and you showed love at the highest degree and still did not reap a harvest in the end. My dear, nothing is guaranteed in this life. We live our lives according to our conscience and belief systems, but never for an earthly reward or recognition. Your spirit did not give you to walk out on your husband when you discovered he was infertile, that is your spirit. Even if you had seen a glimpse of the future prior to marrying him you likely would have done the same thing because we cannot be any other than what we are.
Do not let strong sentiments cause you to shut out from life. This too shall pass. But keep an open mind that you can get a second chance with another man whose heart is in alignment with yours. That you can carry your own child and still find joy even after passing through this valley of sorrows. Keep a spirit open to good things being possible for you. Your are still alive and once there is life there is always hope. Take care and I wish you all the best on your journey of healing.
You husband is a wicked man,,selfish man..
ReplyDeletePlease take good care of your adopted child and yourself, may God fix it for you and come through for your help soon..
Let God be the judge..
Hmmmm, Uwa nkea sef.
ReplyDeleteWhen I realised my husband could not father a child, I walked away. I filed for a divorce. I've always wanted children. I was 33 years old when I left. I have since then remarried, and I have 2 lovely kids and it is all worth it. When I filed for a divorce, people called me names, he insulted me and told so many lies against me because he was hurt. I blocked him everywhere and moved on. Today, I am happy. Poster it's not too late. Move on and live your life. You deserve to be happy.
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure this is the answer
DeleteIf someone you claimed to love can’t have kids due to no fault of his own, why would you happily leave him instead of using ivf, a donor or adopting
A woman did what men almost always do. Wow!
DeleteOn the other hand, no more loyalty in this world. No more respect for wedding vows. Everyone thinks only about themselves.
No one should go through dis pain of a betrayal from luv one. Move on and pick urself together again. U will be fine
ReplyDeleteat least , he is honest enough to admit that marraige is no longer for him. So many married men these days are bringing dishonor and shame to their wives.Clean your tears, five years from now, you will look back and smile. If you need his financial support, get a good lawyer immediately. The Lord is the lifter of your head, not man.
ReplyDeleteSo...with the exception of two or 3 people, all of you missed "He has abandoned the child care to me"?? This simple statement shows that there are kids in their household.
ReplyDelete#ReadingandCompehensionIsDead!!!
You are actually the one that needs to read and comprehend properly. The previous line to what you quoted clearly states she didn't have a child and didn't want to remain that way, which led to their quarrel as he didn't want to adopt.
Delete--> Could it be because I threatened to divorce him if we don’t adopt a child cos I didn’t want to remain childless? He has abandoned the child care to me and he’s busy galavanting around saying he needs to enjoy life.
Anon @18.26...
DeleteWe are talking about the present, meanwhile you're talking about the past!
However the child or children came into the household, is not up for discussion. The fact of the matter is that, they have kids now! So what if there are adopted - the child/ren are still hers. So what if she had to threaten the man, before starting the adoption process - she still has the child/ren, now!
[NOW] is the operative word!!!! Get it?!!
All those telling her she has missed her chance of being a mum, clearly didn't read the line I quoted! She is already a mum...no ifs, ands, or buts about it!
PS. I'm sorry to say, but you're not very bright!
That’s how you go and carry children that will kill you. African mentality and children!!! Freeze egg, do this, do that ! That’s how I asked my gynea in NY if her kids are from sperm bank. If you know you are properly married, stop advising people to have children out of wedlock or freeze egg, all these satanic suggestions will bear witness against you guys on judgement day. Paul did not marry or have children!!!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha I read this as I dine out with two products of frozen egg. One “satanic” one just said a beautiful word: mum
DeleteListen to you gynea
DeleteI feel bad for you dear. Hold on to God. He will dry your tears.
ReplyDeleteDear poster, 18yrs is no beans. You are traumatized because you didn't see it coming. Sorry that you don't have a child. Pls forgive him and move on. It will be hard but you will be fine if you keep hope alive. Don't be bitter, you will be tempted to be. But don't yield to that. I am working with a lady whose husband left after 12 years s with a son. Look at it this way, a tree sheds leave from time to time. But it grows back it's leave. This is a season and you will get through it as well. Be strong. Look for people who will listen and not judge you. Share how you feel from time to time. Get busy and work at adopting a baby or a child you can call your own. Above all, talk to God as much as you can. Behind every dark cloud is a silver lining.
ReplyDelete