Hmmmmm...
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED
Good Day Stella,
Please advise me on what to do now, my fiancé proposed to me by February last year (2021) and we did introduction by May 2021 after dating for 3 yrs.
l am 43 and he is 39. The age is not a problem for us becos we have discussed that. But the issue now is that he wants me to be pregnant before he pays dowry....after much talk which l agreed to. His reason for this is that he is the only child and that his parents are forcing him to marry from the village, so he wants to use my pregnancy as an excuse to reject the other girl his parents brought to him So that he will not have issues with his parents.
We started having regular s#x almost every week 4 to 5 times weekly for like 6 months no pregnancy, l see my period every month and l see discharge during ovulation time, so l became confused and went to the hospital and the doctor advised me to try for more 6 months and take some drugs he prescribed.
l went home and told my fiancé everything he said okay. we live on the same street, after 3 days, he collected his shop key from me, and asked me to stop work. he is the owner of the shop where l work as a sales person, he collected his house key which he gave to me also, and told me that his father is sick, that he wants to bring him here and also look for a nurse who will be taking care of his daddy.
Please Stella, advice me on what to do, l don't want to beg him or look desperate, l know l am too old to be single at this age. It's what life problem put me into.
*OH DEAR!!!!...... I think he has broken up with you because of what you told him, he probably got scared that you might not get pregnant or he has already accepted the other lady and was looking for an excuse that you gave him....
Living on the same street will really make any break up bad for you, especially if he marries and does not move out of the area.
Why don't you invite him over to your place and ask him to be open and tell you the truth, don't cry or beg, just ask him to tell you what s going on... Don't go to his place cos he might end up sleeping with you and not give any concrete explanation.... I am so sorry about this but you need to be strong and be ready for the worst.
Problem no dey finish!
ReplyDeleteHis parents didn't tell him anything
DeleteHe feels at 40 and above you may have issues giving birth for him.
He was the one that was checking something for himself
My dear such pressure/anxiety will not allow baby hook. Nothing is wrong with you.
Leave him to do whatever he wants. God will surprise you!
Or tell him your suspicions to his face.
Maybe he has impregnated someone outside sef
That nurse is the long existing side piece.
God is your strength!
Truth be told...a woman's fertility declines with age. I guess that's why posters fiance wants her to get pregnant first to check if she can conceive. Of coursenshe can conceive,she may just need a little medical assistance. The quality of the egg is what really declines with age but with ivf,the chances of getting good quality eggs are increased,so pregnancy can be achieved.
DeletePoster,it's like your fiancee is ready to check out of that relationship for fear that you can't conceive. Why don't you both go and see a fertility specialist who can assure him that you can conceive and start treatment immediately cos time is of the essence here.
.
Poster, if you can afford it, go to a Reproductive specialist. At the very least go see a Gynecology consultant in a teaching hospital.
DeleteA doctor can't have you trying for one year without running any tests on you. You don't need to wait one year. There's a couple of tests he should have done.
Lolll, dem don guy you o.
DeleteAfi I am the only child at 43???? Buahahahahahahaaaaaaa
Which 'parents' are forcing him?
80 something year old parents that are thinking of the great beyond??
Nne den don chop you, na test and dump be dat.
You sef no fear to marry 43 year old single man? Are you sure that's his real age?
Anon 18.43 he is 39, she is the one who is 43.
Delete@ Anonymous 19.12. Her vileness didn't allow her read the write up to understand.
Delete@ anon 18:43 I guess he is afraid of marrying a 43year old woman, I mean what if she is lying about her age, what if she is 50? Women eh Tueh
DeleteAt 43,his parents are still "forcing him"?
ReplyDeleteHe collected his shop key and you're not working. So now he's looking for a nurse. Guess who'll become the nurse when he conveniently fails to find someone he knows who will take care of his father. That's right. You.
Run, dear poster. Your age is not a reason to fall into a horrible situation ship.
He is not 43.. please read again
Delete@ Mystic,no the guy is 39 ,the lady that sent chronicle is 43
DeleteShe is the one older, but that is not he case here because he was fully aware of her age from the beginning, the he goat have seen it all now, He is now giving her condition and doesn't want to exercise patience with her at all , aside that is he is God that gives children? He don fu××k person but no fit exercise patience let the doctor place her on drugs, he might even be the one with issue but yhem no dey agree with pride , i bet you with her age and good period date she might even have multiple while on conception drug. The mumu don lie unto his father's health as excuse. Kai some guys are too funny abeg , very weak individual. Poster do not beg him just follow Stella's advise shikina.
DeleteWhich kind gist be this..
ReplyDeleteIs dowry not paid during introduction?
The both of you should go to a hospital for check up also.
Dowry isn't paid during introduction in Yoruba land. Although there are exceptions for those that decide to do their introduction and engagement (trad) together.
DeleteIf only you had refused his request to get pregnant before marriage.
ReplyDeleteHe really took advantage of you. He's a wicked man.
It is well you, poster.
When human sense fails
DeleteHe was trying to check, avoid crafty and manipulative men
They bring toxicity and drama
Lies are their food
Wickedness and selfishness are their oxygen
Let him check himself to see if he's firing blanks... But then as a woman, you grow older, your chances get slimmer.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why she thought she was the one with the issue
DeleteMadam, move on. The pressure to get pregnant may have even affected your fertility. Focus on divorcees and widowers with kids. Less pressure to breed. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteNa so one told me to get pregnant cos he is the only son before he will come for dowry payment. I just told him that I don't have strength to beg someone to marry me with my pregnancy.
DeleteMy advice is for you to look for a job asap, don't call him for any explanation.
ReplyDeleteHe has made up his mind and you might get hurts more if u listen to his excuses.
Love will find you, take care of yourself.
The guy is a “one chance” man. He’s probably leaving you cos you didn’t get pregnant while having regular sex. Did you even ask him to go to the hospital with you so you can both get checked?
ReplyDeleteHe just might be the one with the problem.
He has agreed to marry the lady his parents have gotten him, his father is not sick.
Now, you have no means of livelihood, how are you going to cope?
But let me tell you this, all hope is not lost.
Just get yourself into that praying and fasting mood for sometime and see how your story changes.
Hmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmmmmer
Hmmmmmmmmmmmest.
Why on earth will man ask you to be pregnant before getting married to you and you also danced to such music.
THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENS:
MY GENDER HAS THIS SCOPE AND METHOD OF WOOING WOMEN TO KNACKING THEIR HORNY POT. ONCE A MAN TELL YOU TO BE PREGNANT BEFORE HE CAN BE ABLE TO PAY YOUR BRIDE PRICE THEN KNOW HE IS JUST TRYING TO USE YOU.
Just try and call him, meet with him and ask him some questions and listen attentively to him and also study his reaction
His parents didn’t say anything,all these while he just wanted to see if you can still get pregnant so when you came back with the news of taking drugs,he told himself he is not ready for all that;so he is looking for another option which he has and just needs to push you out of the story..
ReplyDeleteHe can’t break up with you to your face hence the whole concocted stories.
There is nothing to fight for here,and no explanation will make him change his mind..
Hope you know “Cuming” after sex doesn’t mean all is well with him?
There is something called “Shooting Blanks” and he could be the problem and not you,think about this too..
Also avoid pre-marital sex,there is more to life than all these marriage pressures;give yourself value,there is never a too late or too early if you can focus on yourself and follow Gods lead..
Have Love in you,Share Love and you would sure find true love and be loved,it’s only a matter of time..
Lastly,You need to work on yourself too by finding your path and not waiting for a man who would take you for who you are;what do you have to offer to your prospective husband? It’s never late to live happily ever after..
@MARTINS
Well said
DeleteGod bless you Martins, poster you need to work on your self. How on earth can you say you're too old to be single at 43, am older than you single and loving it, with Jesus Christ,. Love yourself abeg
DeleteThanks for your kind words Martin. God bless you 🙏🏾
DeleteHe should also go for medical check up.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if it’s me but how one can be single, advanced in age, without kids and still be financially frustrated is what baffles me. Poster I no life happens but where you not developing your self all through your 20s and even 30s to still be a sales girl at 43? It’s well
ReplyDeleteI know it may sound insensitive, but honestly that's the only thing I could pick. Being a sales girl at 43 is also a big problem the poster needs to consider
DeleteWhy are you so judgemental. Just because you have been blessed in your life doesn’t mean you can look down at others. Do you know what challenges life has dealt her?
DeleteNot nice! You don't know her story and journey.
DeleteYou sound privileged and naive. One of those people who believe that people are poor because they are lazy & unserious. Must be nice to live in your lucky bubble, not knowing how harsh life can be & what it can throw. Must be nice to be you
DeleteYou will definitely get pregnant, you just need to relax and enjoy the sex with no anxiety.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with you.
Have you considered being financially stable before settling down? What if you give birth and he leaves you? Are you prepared to carry that burden?
KING XOXO MYSTERY
The he goat only took advantage of your naivety. He is a very wicked and manipulative soul. You too decided to dance to his tune in trying to get pregnant first. Do you even think he would have married you truly after falling pregnant? Trial and error sis. Both of you were trying to play using human wisdom but God pass una.
ReplyDeleteStop trusting men with conditions like this plssss.....
On a second note do not beg him, try as much as possible to get something doing for yourself, Love yourself more and above all Put your trust in God . Your own man will show up !!! Keep faith
He just broke up with you and the nurse will probably be the village girl.
ReplyDeleteYou should just give up on him and move on. No need to beg and ask what is going on.
May God send you your own man.
Poster the guy use scope on you say one girl one place. You for no gree to carry belle before marriage.
ReplyDeleteHe has dumped you!
Just do as Stella suggests thou so you clear your conscience.
Don't worry, love will find you. E-hugs
Poster are you a learner???? See as that idiot chop your congo clean mouth throway! Aaaarh i hate this! This is one of the oldest tricks men use to sleep with ladies. Get pregnant before marriage so that he will not use condom to enter you. My dear grow up at your age you too mumu. Face front look for another job, learn new skill, better yourself emotionally, spiritually, financially and leave all this small boys! Don't be too desperate for marriage. Wait on God to send your husband.
ReplyDeleteOld trick my sister since 19 kporodom. Thats how one stupid fool was singing it to my ears he will get me pregnant first once he enters naija b4 any other thing will follow. I put am for where him fellow evil people dey. Stupid he goat 😂 Nonsense and Buharia!!!
DeleteI think they were already having sex. Just that they made it more regular and still no pregnancy
DeleteI think he’s scared
You took the words right outta my mouth. This fraud tricked you into giving up the goods without him wearing protection and you gave it to him on the regular. Use this as a learning lesson and never fall for such ever again, anyone that wants to marry you must be fine with waiting for you and if you were to engage make sure you are protected because no one deserves a legacy until they have done the needful: Marriage.
DeleteBoth of you should go to a gynaeo for comprehensive tests
ReplyDeleteHaving a period is not an indicator of fertility.
ReplyDeleteThis shit is why I have never gotten involved with anyone I work with, much more my boss. See embarrassment loading now. He collected his keys and that is a very clear sign of a readjustment.
I want to say he is a sex scammer, but three years is a long time for even the most devoted sex scammer. Maybe his ppl did not like you and that is why they want someone from his village. Family wahala is too much at times. Be prepared for anything.
Do not waste anytime moping around , get back to dating right away if he breaks it off. Pull a JLo on his ass. You will carry your own child. Take whatever lesson is to be learned from this experience and grow wiser.
I don't think he's a sex scammer.
DeleteHe's scared of fertility issues and I can't say I blame him.
I pray for the poster to find her own man.
Scared of fertility issues indeed. Na so dem they excuse bad behaviour.
Delete19:14 it’s easier to fix something when you acknowledge the other persons side
DeleteWhat’s he’s asking for is common especially among Igbos and certain yorubas. She knows the drill. You meet the family first and then get pregnant. Once pregs, they’ll do the rest of the rites and marriage has finished
Please nobody is excusing bad behavior. If he has reservations about her fertility, he's not wrong. Let's not pretend that it's not scientific reality for majority of people.
DeleteI wrote 19:59
DeleteI’m not saying I like that thru do that
Just that they do and the lady knows
He's not wrong, so to you he is right to be sleeping around under the guise of testing fertility? If he has reservations, why can't he end the relationship?! How do women even try to excuse this?!
Delete23:42 nothing says he was sleeping around
DeleteHe was sleeping with her. His doubts didn’t start 6 months ago. The six months was the ultimatum
05.49 Why can he not end the relationship??? There is no excuse to be "testing" a woman's fertility, she is not an item or good picked off the shelf.
Delete09:02 how does it help her for him to just end the relationship? It was surely better he tried to get her pregnant. What I hear ding it because he is not sure he can make her pregnant and he’s giving her the chance to try another
DeleteThis one is tough for me because I think his worry makes sense just that why date you for 3 years and not try to have a child all that time as the years where going. Now he’s ready to be married and he’s trying to force baby to come right away. I think you should get a baby out of him. If you have strong faith, you can go start another relationship but me I think I would ask him to come with me to the doctor and let’s check if there’s anything on his end. I’d also suggest we keep having sex to see if the baby will come or if he has small money, ask if he’s willing to pay for Ivf.
ReplyDeleteBoth of them going to see the doctor together is a great idea but Seems like the guy has moved on already, this one he has collected shop key and house key from her.
Delete21:19 honestly I’d be looking for another guy but also trying to get a baby with this one. Don’t just be having sex, go check your ovulation calendar and target him on the right date
DeleteI just imagined how someone can make a grown woman have sex 4-5 times a week and she accepted! Someone you ain't married to?? Huh? My take is...just place a premium value on yourself henceforth, no one is worth this whole stress. Find yourself, have peace.
ReplyDeleteHe’s also her source of income. The whole relationship is based on power imbalance
DeletePower lies in the hands of the person surrendering it. Sadly a lot of folks don't know this. Dear Anon 18:14
DeletePoster follow Stella Advice. You will be alright Las Las.
ReplyDeleteThat's how my widowed aunt thought cod of her are she can't get pregnant, go dey nack her partner raw at 58, ,now belle don enter ,aunty dey hide. This is to tell you that all those bullshit that a woman of a certain age can't get pregnant ,it not in all cases, your own man will come who will appreciate you with or without a child,
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣
Delete🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteI don't know why older women feel embarrassed when pregnant
😭
DeletePoster your guy is afraid you may not fall pregnant the reason he collected his keys. You alone cannot aww a doctor cos you both are in for it.
ReplyDeleteJust move on and let him be, go get a job so that you can take your moms off him
Count your losses and move on. Look up on to Jesus/Allah. Any man that put u on condition that you have to be pregnant before just know such man want to shine your Congo. He has robbed you of your dignity. Move on build your life. There is more to life than getting married. Learn a skills,start a new career.RitaDominic found true love at 47. You are still young poster.
ReplyDeleteThat guy has finished with you. I feel for you because it seems all your life depends on him. You work for him and you are living in his house. Babe dust yourself and move on. Be positive and your own man will locate you.
ReplyDeleteMy dear you have been used and dumped.
ReplyDeleteSimple.
I don't know how to beat around the bush, I prefer to say it as it is.
Growing older is not a problem.
Are you not seeing 40 year olds and above balling, looking happy with or without kids and husband?
Look at Kate Henshaw, Genevieve, Brandy, Gabrielle Union, Shaffy, Tiwa, Eucharia etc etc. Now look at yourself. Are you genuinely looking and being the best you can?
Adjust, improve, empower yourself.
Not for any goddam man but for your self.
When you operate from a position of desperation, poor self esteem, lack of confidence, insecurities etc it will make you accept conditions that are actually senseless.
Imagine allowing someone fuck you raw every day of the week because you want him to pay your dowry???
Have you met his parents, has he introduced you his family members as his intended?
Gone for counselling?
Taken the required health tests that all intending couples should take before marriage?
Get a good and stable source of income.
You are never too old to learn new skills.
I repeat you are NEVER too old to learn new skills.
Earn good money. Money stops ALOT of bullshit and gives you a voice, clarity of thought and confidence.
You lack all 3.
That is why you are still asking JAMB
questions about a man who has clearly told you that if he marries you its only for your uterus.
So, what if you got pregnant , then he married you and God forbid you lost the baby? And didnt get pregnant again? What would happen?
As much as I hate to say this: think like a man. Men think selfishly of themselves first, put their ego first, do things based on what benefits they will accrue.
You see how sharp sharp he has collected house key from you? No wasting time.
Collected shop key from you? No wasting time.
What women don't know is that a man will NEVER do anything that is not of benefit to himself NEVER.
Check it, anything that a man buys for you, spends on you, does for you, any job he takes, any activity, anything st all, name it, in some way or the other it benefits him. Either to win points from you, get sex , improve his rating, boost his ego, get your trust/love etc.
That's why they are so good in business, they think ME FIRST. Women will still be doing fala folo, dancing like butterfly.
By now, you should be searching for a better job and a better man.
You are 43, not 33, not 23.
Read the signs he has given you, adjust accordingly and swiftly.
If you do this, I promise you won't be going through this kind of trash again.
👏🏼🙌
DeleteGood points made. But men do a lot of things in relationships and marriage.
DeletePoster was also thinking about herself when she agreed to the man's suggestion. Just that she agreed from a point of weakness. If things were better for her she could have asked for all the tests which could have helped in knowing what to do even before sex with the man. As someone said, clearly they were already having sex before the pregnancy demand.
There are women in better financial and educational position than the poster who go the sex and pregnancy before marriage route. It is not a new demand or trick. Just that with advancement in medical knowledge and finance, such women are able to negotiate better terms of their relationship.
The real issue here is that the man does not love or like the poster enough to walk the road of fear of a childless marriage or a marriage where extra effort is needed for pregnancy. Married couples on that road know how challenging the walk is.
💯
Delete2:50 Very true, they do a lot of things. But, there is NO ONE action that men take that you will mention, not one, no matter how altruistic, that is not tied to an inherent intrest that is beneficial to them ALONE.
DeleteNot one.
A man thinks ME FIRST, in whatever they do, dating, marriage fatherhood, buisiness, games, whatever, name it.
That is how they have stayed several steps ahead of women, NOT BECAUSE they are smarter.
That is how they are wired.
Women will carry their Mother Teresa complex like 10 step gele, she wantu save the world, she wantu save her street, she wantu suffer for her family...she will fucking die in abject penury. Forgotten and unremarkable.
The women who SUCCEED are the ones who think ME FIRST.
This woman is not thinking ME FIRST, she is hiding from percieved shame, willing to take what ever offer she recieves.
This is an offer that if she was operating from a position of power, she would not even offer listening ears, much accept.
I can ASSURE you, that if there were tests done and it was the man shooting empty blanks, this 43 year old woman would have stayed mumuishly on, maybe till 47 or 48, by then if she doesn't leave out of frustration, the man would have flipped the script and said the woman was the cause of his misfortune and then marry someone else.
Again, 'ME FIRST'.
It is obvious that you were desperate because of your age. It is also obvious that he took advantage of your desperation.
ReplyDeleteHave you also thought about the risks of marrying such a man that cannot take a decision with out his parent's interference?
The fact that you will remain subject to the parent's wishes and walking on egg shells. You were vulnerable and he preyed very
well on that. However, the one that appalls me is that you are so engrossed with having babies and getting married that you forget the
true essence of life; the fact that by having sex before your bride price was paid, you dishonored God with your body and lifestyle.
This is the same God that gives both husband and child. This I suppose should be your starting point to make amends and
have a change of life that will guarantee you peace both here and in eternity. pick up your Bible and read about Jesus, the one that died
for you and talk to him.
👏👏👏👏
DeleteWoW!!! This is serious. So so sorry. Clearly, he has broken up with you. No!!! do not beg. But, this is serious.
ReplyDeleteNow, you are single again.
And, out of a job.
Plus, you might need to relocate to a different neighborhood to avoid seeing him with someone else.
Hmmmm. It is well in Jesus name.
I want you to go into 3 (preferably 7) days prayer. You must fast while praying for the 3-7 day period. You will also give alms to the needy each of those days. You must pray fervently and no less than 5 times daily. 12am-3am-12noon-3pm-6pm. Each day you must begin your prayers by asking for forgiveness of ALL your trespasses.
During this period you must not quarrel with anyone and you must refrain from any kind of sin.
Beg God to bring him back to you if he’s the right one. Beg God to make his heart miss you dreadfully. Beg God to make you pregnant. Finally, make a covenant with God. If HE can bring this guy back to you and make you become pregnant you will do this, this n this ( fill in the blank) in return. ( it could be something like- cleaning His church, feeding the poor, becoming more active in church or something monetary). Write down your pledge so you don’t forget.
At the end of your fast n prayer go to church, do a BIG thanksgiving, dance like you’ve never danced before in your life. Believe and behave like your prayers have already been answered. And watch your miracle happen. Come back and testify on this same platform. GOOD LUCK Dear. All is well in Jesus Mighty Name. Amen 🙏🏾 .