Hmmm......
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
WORRIED WIFE...
I married a divorced man whose ex-wife's claims when she filled for divorce was domestic violence.
He didn't tell me this part when I met and was dating him. To be honest, I watched him closely while dating because of my reservation against divorced men but he was too good to be true.
I went ahead and married him. It's been 11years and he is still that too good to be true kind of man and treats me exactly as he did while we were dating.
When I asked him about the former marriage and her claims of his beating her, he said he was not mature then, that they were under money pressure too because they got married immediately after NYSC and both didn't have a stable job and there was a baby so early.
He said she was frustrated because she had richer suitors she had turned down while he felt trapped so early with pregnancy at 28.
I know some men like my friend's father in-law who beat his wife till a day before he died and they were married for 54years.
Now the question is, how do we tell the difference. Because, I consider myself lucky. What if my husband continued with beating me like that proverb that says the cane used for first wife is waiting for the new wife?
*What if suddenly starts beating you after all these years of Marriage? well there are two things, he may do it again or he may not do it again...He says the situation he found himself in made him beat his first wife? Meaning if he ever gets broke you are in trouble.....If he tries beating you once, please LEAVE!
Don't look for trouble where there is none.
ReplyDeleteKeep praying and hoping that he doesn't change.
Stella,This one is not a chronicle. Just poster's imaginations.
DeleteI believe people actually mature as they age. Most things We did in our 20s aren’t the same now.
DeleteThat being said, always make sure you have a source of income so that you won’t be in that situation.
Poster is looking for how her story will trend on-net. But she will be surprised if she gets what she seek.
DeleteWell,he might have learnt his lessons and changed for good.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up in the 80's we had this neighbour that was the definition of turning ones wife to a punching bag. He eventually sent the woman packing one night after Proper panel beating. A few years down the line he married this cute, fine, petite lady that worked with a multi-national company and all of us just pitied her. Guess what! This man stopped drinking, would dress up and go to church, and we never heard pin till I left home. I would ask my mum years later and she will tell me how Mr Ikocha has become so responsible, treating his wife like an egg and always living up to meet her very lady-like personality.
DeleteI think there are women who bring out the angel in some men just as there are men who bring out the bitch in a woman or turn a confident one to devastated bundle of hopelessness.
Poster, all women are not the same. All men are not the same. Congratulations.
Anon 18:41, your comment is really unfortunate. There will never be a reason for a man to habitually beat up his wife.
DeleteYour comment is so evil@ Anon 18:41
DeleteIt could be when the wife left, he learnt his lessons and decided to change. Sometimes, it takes a drastic measure to change them.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Since you refused to let your mind be at peace,that trouble ye desperately seek ye shall find it. This chronicle makes it the 156734th reason why one should get married when one is financially settled. There's no enjoyment in poverty and endurance.
ReplyDeleteLmao @156734th
Deletestop putting ideas in his head by asking him about his failed marriage. focus on your marriage, play your part and also pray for him to remain a good man and also pray for your marriage. but if maybe he mistakenly hits you once? pls run oo!
ReplyDeleteFuture advise needed🙄
ReplyDeleteDo you want people to now advise you to leave the marriage cos of something that hasn't happened? Or do you want to leave already?
See, marrying a divorced man is always a RISK.
ReplyDeleteYou already see that Nigerian women don't like to divorce.
They would rather be beaten like dogs, tied up and stepped on, suffer terribly, than leave with their lives.
So if it is a divorced Nigerian man, make sure you do your investigations very very very very well.
Especially those men that have been married and divorced multiple times with flimsy excuses and always blaming the woman for the divorce.
Go and ask every body askable.
Send your people to do iju ese, background search.
So that you don't enter marriage with a divorcee or even a non divorcee and be asking JAMB questions.
💯
DeleteHe is more matured now than a decade ago.
ReplyDeleteSimple and short. stop being pessimistic.
Or maybe she brings out the best in him compared to the first wife. Women are not the same.
DeleteIt's possible that some men are willing to change especially now that society really kicking against DV.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best.
Stay positive.
Someone like FFK cannot change o...
DeleteLolll whichvmen??? kwentinue dreaming...
DeleteIf for 11 years he had not raised his hand on your no matter what the situation is, then he has truly changed and mature. It is true that most men later mature and change.
ReplyDelete👌
DeleteYou just said my mind! Truth!
DeleteWhat if he's under money pressure again?
ReplyDeletePoster since you are not his first wife who he normally beat I don’t think he will want to beat you.
ReplyDeleteYou should also know that men that beat has women they can beat cos some of them worship their female colleagues or boss at work but come home to form jagaban.
Make sure you set boundaries, let him understand that beating you is not part of the marriage agreement that you both sign. May God continue to keep you both in peace
You've been married for 11 years with no issues. Leave it like that. Just know that if he ever lays his hand on u, you pack ur loads and leave.
ReplyDeleteMaybe be has changed, maybe he hasn't. But he has not given u any reason to believe he hasn't, so leave it like that.
Some people "grow up" and become wiser as their age progress; some people don't. Your husband falls in the category that become wiser with age; I guess he realised his mistakes, called himself to order and changed. Thank goodness for your happy happy home.
ReplyDeleteI know my ex wouldn't touch his wife whenever he decides to marry one because he's seriously working on himself for years now. Mine didn't get really violent because I always go on my knees and grovel so I no chop pass one slap, one belt and one neck choking. Some might sat its small domestic abuse but the emotional torture was more. He would send you out of the house and room when he's angry and push you and not eat your food but me go just kneel before it escalates. I thank God I don't have a child with him for over a decade and I'm out and in a good place. I'm not sure if I want any man around me again. Been celebate for years.I don't know if I normal again sef, I'm not just interested in anything anymore. I don't see men , they mean nothing to me. I'm guarding my peace of mind jealously.
ReplyDeleteYou need serious therapy ma. Its unfortunate that these men are allowed to live.
DeleteAwww...
DeleteE no go buy plastic for the man that inflicted this much damage on a women who worshipped him.
How do ladies just sit down and design problems; phantom problems. 11 years he hasn't beaten you and you are worried?
ReplyDeleteDo you want the beatings?
Please help me ask! God has given you peace ☮️🕊️ in your home 🏡 and you are too worried 😟 about how long the peace is gonna last. Don't be surprised that if you are not careful, you may subconsciously trigger him into his old ways by looking for what's not lost.
DeletePlease enjoy your peace and thank God.🙏
E shock you abi?
DeleteTroubo dey sleep, over sabi wan wake am.
What do you mean by ‘how do ladies…’? Did multiple ladies write in? Only one person did and so far, no other lady has supported her. We really should mind our use of words.
DeleteMay God deliver you from looking for trouble
ReplyDeleteA resounding Amen
DeleteMay God deliver you from looking for trouble
ReplyDeleteAmen for poster and us all
DeleteWell there no easy way about this. I will use our neighbour as an example. They've been married for 7yrs and not until last month did the man first laid his hand on the wife. I guess it got to his limit. And as soon as he did that, he opted for divorce with the wife which she refused but the man maintained his stance and got his wish recently through one of the agencies.
ReplyDeleteI think he understood that he has gotten to his limit with his wife and wanted out before it becomes a norm. And admitted he regretted beating her. When it happened, no one was surprised, because the wife has been a thorn in his flesh in the last four and the half years. Her tongue is too caustic. Hers was too much. Dragging the man by his shirts, tie or trousers in the compound into the street. Shouting along as he leaves for work in the morning. Name calling and slapping him sometimes. Everyone saw it coming, it was just a matter of time. Both families had regularly begged the man and ask for his tolerance. Simply because the man stopped giving her upkeep because he doesn't know how to manage. And the two businesses the man opened for her, she ran it down. With the bad economy, the man lost his job. Things became difficult yet this woman wouldn't show understanding nor give this man any breathing space. Until a co-tenant found him job in his workplace. The wound on the man's body no be here. But he endured until he couldn't that day. He hardly sleeps in his rented flat. He sleeps routinely among co-tenants when the wife's verbal and emotional abuses became unbearable.
So dear poster, nothing is cast in stone. It if starts manifesting, you already have an answer. But in the meantime nurture what you two share with pure love and support. In marriage togetherness counts a lot when you two see things similarly. And be realistic together.
What you are describing is not the same
DeleteHitting back or hitting in self defense is not same as DV from a man
It is DV@17:24
DeleteThat is why the man felt bad and didn't want to start a cycle of abuse
Some wives are actually wolves that have turned their husbands to horsebands. The only thing some wives are good at is bringing out the worst in their husbands. Most of the time, in a marriage or relationship, women/wives are the abusive ones but won't want to admit this.
DeleteI would advise a husband to always consider divorcing an abusive wife before she turns you to an aggressor and a wife beater.
No to domestic violence!
@anonymous 17:24, no DV starts spontaneously. It's often as a result suppressed aggression be it personal or influenced by external factors. Na from slap e dey take turn to beating, then into serious beating and daring battering.
DeleteBut DV is not just physical, it is hydra-headed and multifaceted.
I read this as her asking how would someone know the guy will change or not change
ReplyDeleteShe’s not asking about her own man
There’s no way to know my sister. This red flags thing doesn’t always pan out. I try my best to watch but I just beg God to pls help me pick a good man
There are two saying good things now. One single never married. Another has one kid and divorced. After that, they are both accomplished and similar. If I pick divorced guy and trouble starts, I’ll probably start regretting. If I pick no kid what if he starts trouble too then I will say I could have just gone with the other. He’s calling me his Queen and all nice stuff. Other one says he’s ready but give him a couple months to handle something
For first paragraph is the ish 💯
DeleteNot sure if my post went through
ReplyDeletePretty much I think she’s asking for other people not for herself
She’s asking his would someone know the man will not start the bad ways he showed in a previous relationship
Answer: only God can tell whether a man has truly changed
In dating and in marriage, the man has been good that you are bold enough to say it.
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of mental triggers?
Madam Poster, please learn to leave well enough alone.
Keep doing all you have been doing in courtship and marriage.
If you are interested in learning anything new, it should be how to do better than you have been doing and let God do the best in your marriage. If you do not believe in God, let your husband be who he has chosen to be.
My late dad beat my mum once in 27years of their marriage. My dad's kid brother, whom he loved so much lied that my mum beat him up and starve him the whole day.
ReplyDeleteMy late dad came back in the evening and saw his teenager brother crying outside, he rushed inside asking my mum what happened but she reluctantly snubbed him which resulted to she getting her own beatng.
My mum informed her family and they made my dad promised never to beat her again. Infact one of them advised him to hang outside whenever the house is hot and he stick to it until he kicked the bucket.
The incident never occurred again. Oh yes! He might not touch you especially with the current awareness on domestic violence.
So it will take the 'current awareness' on domestic violence fir a Nigerian man to know that DV is WRONG? He must be a FOOL.
DeleteStella see ehn...I know some men are terrible and some of us have our flaws. Overall, the poster could be giving the man peace of mind. Peace of mind is underrated by most women. I have been married for 12 years and we ve not had any major altercation that has led to physical fights. We have issues that's for sure but we always resort to non violent means of resolving the issues...
ReplyDeleteSo poster, there must be something you re doing right, 11 years is so long a time to hide one s true colour
Enjoy
I know that after the uproar regarding Osinachi's death
ReplyDeletePeople would come with their narrative of how the woman brought the demon out of the man. They will change the narrative until domestic violence upon women will die down and it continues.
Poster, you came here to gloat and to justify your husbands behavior to the ex-wife. Look at how he heaped the blame on her and made you feel like you changed him. He changed because this first marriage ending must have pained him.
In the coming days, we will be seeing similar gloating stories like this shared by womem who feel they have the midas touch so they changed the violent man. That man decided to change because of a drastic event that happened to him. You played no part to it.
Some womem are angels yet they punch them morning till evening. This narrative that they bring the worst out of a man is what makes them stay. This is what makes them to stay. They keep trying to be good nonstop to the man all to no avail because the society that is telling them to leave will snicker at them that they brought out the worst in him.
That's why I dislike emotional uproar from Nigerians. They speak from both sides of the mouth. They will advise women to leave, then tell the women that she can't keep a man. All of them will start narrating how they give their husband peace. Your husband is just a good man.
It's like saying you shag your husband well that is why he doesn't cheat, he does not cheat because he is a good man.
These women who died as a result of domestic violence don't deserve it. Walk away. Leave.
Please leave your gloating stories for your anniversary. Let's shed light on Gender Based Violence.
KING XOXO MYSTERY